Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #521: Scary Illness that can be cured in 42 minutes!
- Thread starter LeadHead
- Start date
Ogawa: I just finished examining Worf. He definitely does not have a dangerous venom built up that he will spray in your face by opening his mouth at you.
Data: Captain, from watching "Home Alone 2," I am concerned that entering a steaming restroom might have negative consequences.
Data: For the next step of my complicated experiment: the stun setting.
Picard: What will this experiment accomplish?
Data: My taking command of the Enterprise.
Data stuns Picard.
Data: I believe Commander Rikers snoring has attracted unwanted attention to sickbay.
Chief Engineers Log: Apparently this ship wasn't that well designed. The Captain moved one power cord and cut off power to 8 decks.
OGAWA: There's nothing wrong with Counselor Troi sir, she's just being really dramatic about not liking the temperature.
PICARD: So level with me. I'm not crazy right? This de-evolution makes absolutely no sense. If unused DNA were suddenly activated it wouldn't deevolve anyone, it'd probably just kill them.
DATA: Indeed sir. This is the sort of thing I've learned in our profession, we should not ask too many questions about.
PICARD: Looks like a really unique exotic drink.
DATA: Sensors show they just added blue curacao.
DATA: After we cure this disease the Counselor will most likely be working overtime for the next few months.
PICARD: Right. Half the crew is going to be burping up bits of their colleagues.
PICARD: What the hell, aren't there any god damn herbivores on Kronos?
Data: "I need a price check on an ear thermometer..."
Picard (thinking): "Murphy's law of running errands strikes again..."
Ogawa: Is that really the warmest blanket we could find around here? It looks like something you'd wrap a sandwich in
The hydroponics lab was always a popular after hours night spot
Captain's log: Forced at gun point to sample Mr. Data's various home craft brews
Picard: Pheromones? Is that what that smell is? I just thought it was ProtoRiker
Picard: If this doesn't stimulate follicle growth, nothing will
Preemptive: Thanks for the win, Leadhead!
Ogawa: Since we're all about to devolve, may I suggest we do something about that blanket? It looks like I should be roasting Troi over a fire like a potato?
Crusher: Okay, okay, geez between you and Commander Mojochi, I get it. I just thought we could use some color and futuristic design in here!
Data: Captain, I believe I am smelling ...fecal matter. It's an intriguing smell. A most distracting...
Picard: Data, I'm sure it's a fascinating experience. Perhaps you should deactivate your olfactory chip for now.
Data: Good idea, sir. ...Done.
Picard: Data, there are times when I envy you.
Data: Sir, this is not a phaser at all, it is flask designed to look like a phaser.
Picard: Right, and I'm going to need you to mix these liquids into a strongly fermented drink and fill the flask with it.
Data: This is most irregular, Captain.
Picard: Just a little something I picked up from Rick Sanchez. Now, get schwifty and get me rickety-rickety-wrecked son!
Data: Sir, did you notice that even affected by this disease, Commander Riker was able to sleep with a junior officer?
Picard: Don't remind me, Commander. Not only will I have a ton of paperwork to fill out for this disease, but once again, I'm going to have to handle another sexual harassment complaint against Commander Riker.
Picard: Just a little adjustment and...
Picard: ...there, much better!
Ogawa: Since we're all about to devolve, may I suggest we do something about that blanket? It looks like I should be roasting Troi over a fire like a potato?
Crusher: Okay, okay, geez between you and Commander Mojochi, I get it. I just thought we could use some color and futuristic design in here!
Data: Captain, I believe I am smelling ...fecal matter. It's an intriguing smell. A most distracting...
Picard: Data, I'm sure it's a fascinating experience. Perhaps you should deactivate your olfactory chip for now.
Data: Good idea, sir. ...Done.
Picard: Data, there are times when I envy you.
Data: Sir, this is not a phaser at all, it is flask designed to look like a phaser.
Picard: Right, and I'm going to need you to mix these liquids into a strongly fermented drink and fill the flask with it.
Data: This is most irregular, Captain.
Picard: Just a little something I picked up from Rick Sanchez. Now, get schwifty and get me rickety-rickety-wrecked son!
Data: Sir, did you notice that even affected by this disease, Commander Riker was able to sleep with a junior officer?
Picard: Don't remind me, Commander. Not only will I have a ton of paperwork to fill out for this disease, but once again, I'm going to have to handle another sexual harassment complaint against Commander Riker.
Picard: Just a little adjustment and...
Picard: ...there, much better!
Picard: "Aaahhh ... Mr. Data, number one: you masturbate in private or with a loved one. Number two: you don't hold a phser while doing it. Number three: you're an adriod -- what outcome were you expecting?"
Data: "Wait until you see what else Soong built..."
Picard: "I order you not to masturbate in front of me."
Data: "Where shall I go, sir?"
Picard: "Huuummmmm....."
http://tng.trekcore.com/hd/albums/season-4/4x04/suddenly-human-hd-295.jpg
Data: Turning it up to eleven, captain.
Data: This is my rifle. This is my gun. This is for shooting. This is for fun-
captain, I do not understand this martial creed.
*phaser blast*
Picard: There is...one fewer light.
Picard: Well, this isn't ominious at all. Ah, well. L'audace, l'audace, toujours l'audace!
Data: If I may offer a battle cry as well, sir?
Picard: By all means.
Data: LEEEEEEE-ROY JENKINS!
Picard: Excellent. The cigar lounge.
Picard: (thinking to self) At Starfleet Academy, we saw flight recorder playback of James Kirk fixing his starship, by pulling out live megavoltage cables in the Jefferies tube. Let's see what this does.
Ogawa: You know, with enough wasabi, me can live on one of you giants for months
Crusher: Oh, are you devolving too?
Ogawa: Yeah, devolving...that's the ticket
Voice: Nightbird!
Riker: Any requests at all? Any requests?
Data: The Commander will never live that down.
Picard: Oh that's my cue.... screw it, let's go score a couple of pit woofies.
Picard: Hurry up Data, the pit woofies are coming.
Data: May I remind you sir that this Viagratron 3000 will not work if I cannot first find it.
Picard: You mean the correct setting, right? Data?
Data: The welfare state is collapsing all around us. There are people that realize that we can't go on this way, but I'm not sure how many people realize how close we are to the collapse of the UFP Credit system.
Picard: Well I guess that answers the question of what an android devolves into....
Data: I don't know, but do you know why there's a Second Amendment? In case the government fails to follow the first one.
Picard: - an AM radio.
Threaten me with a medical suspension, will you Beverly? Let's see how you like a little Earl Grey in your biscuit batter!
Picard: "Ahhh, number one -- this isn't a wall urinal..."
Data: "We have you on the monitor Captain."
Picard: "Any advise?"
Data: "Yes, Doctor Crusher would like you to rip open you shirt prior to pulling out any more power conduits."
Picard: "Be carefully of the coffee table."
Riker: "Owww, bastard".
Picard: "in the future we don't judge children born out of wedlock."
Riker: "Jesus Christ."
Picard: "In the future we don't use religious expression."
Riker: "Son of a Bitch."
Picard: "In the future we don't use abusive language towards women."
Riker: "Crapper."
Picard: "In the future there are no toilets."
(Riker begins beating Picard head against the wall)
Picard: "In the future there is no inter-personal conflict."
Crusher: This is ridiculous, Wesley gave up his security blanket when he was seven!
Picard: Wait...there's a bath in Troi's quarters? Since when have we had baths aboard? What about the sonic showers?
Data: It is a sonic bath.
Data: It turns out these jars of coloured liquid are in fact just jars of coloured liquid. The Doctor just has them there to look pretty.
Riker: OK Data, next time you can sort out my stag do.
Troi: Next time?!
Picard: If only I had a handy emoji for this situation...
Data: This is your last chance, captain. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue solution—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red solution—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more.
Picard: What about the purple solution?
Data: This is your last chance, captain. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue solution—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red solution—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more.
Picard: What about the purple solution?
Data: "What? Oh, yeah. That's just grape juice. Nothing special about it at all."
Data: Thank you for agreeing to observe my experiment, Captain. I shall endeavour to determine the effect of phaser fire on Human, Andorian and Klingon urine recyc.
Ogawa: "Come on, it'll be fun. If Deanna can do it..."
Crusher: "I don't care if Data does it. I'm not taking part in a polar bear dip."
When Riker gets here I'll give him a valentine from the fans....
