Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #503: Cosplaying, Dear Data

[LeadHead]

Hello and welcome to the new contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Nothing at all" Award, going to shivkala for:

Worf: Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all.

Riker: Stupid sexy Worf!


Next, we have the "Great Question" Award, going to Finn for:

Wesley: If the Borg assimilated one of you, will the other one be assimilated as well? Or the entire Bynar civilization?

Bynars: Shut up, Wesley


Next, we have the "Holodeck Etiquette" Award, going to rcjames for:

"Captain no offence but next time can you knock? If you'd come in another thirty minutes later, you could have been walking into a Bourbon Street back alley."


Next, we have the "Must add a number, special character and an upper case letter" Award, going to inflatabledalek for:

Riker: Odd, why is the Captain's password ReallyAYorskshireman?


Next, we have the "Complicated Controls" Award, going to Triskelion for:

Riker: Engage, sir.
Computer: Lights off.
Riker: Engage.
Computer: Yellow Alert.
Riker: Any time now, sir.
Computer: Ejecting warp plasma.
Riker: Engage.
Computer: Lights off.
Riker: The big middle button, sir.
Computer: Lights off.


Our Photoshop Award, goes to Nerys Myk for:

RIKER: What the hell, it's gotta be better than anything Fox has done.

The award goes to Leviathan for:

Captain's Log, Stardate 41365.9: Despite driving for 14 light years with the blinker on, I have passed my Drivers recertification test. My plan to activate self-destruct in the case of failing the test will no longer be needed.

Our KBL goes to GeorgeKirk for:

"Look, all I'm saying is that there are other colors. You don't all have to cosplay as the Blue Ranger."


Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, we venture into TNG's Second Season with "Elementary, Dear Data!"

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

We have come to present a Cease and Desist letter to prevent this episode!

Data: Nike?!

Picard: Very good, Mister Data. Perhaps we could return to matters of greater urgency. Mister Worf?

Worf: Romulan boarding parties have seized control of Decks 19-38.

Moriarty: If we work together, we can both be major characters on this show for a long, long time.

Data: Is that Minuet and Commander Rik-

Picard: Sorry, Number One. Wrong holodeck!

 

[Nerys Myk]

BURTON: I guess "Big" wasn't so big, since Hanks is playing a secondary character on Star Trek.

 

[rcjames]

Pulaski: What are you going to do if this doesn't work out?

Moriarty: Well, I hear CBS is looking for a butler in this new show, about a nanny. Apparently she was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens. Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those--

Pulaski. Please stop. Give me the tea.

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: Come Watson, the game is a foot!
LAFORGE: That's a shoe.
DATA: You've no idea who Sherlock Holmes is, do you?
LAFORGE: Not a clue!

 

[rcjames]

Picard: You know, every time we walk through these doors, shit always seems to hit the fan... The Dixon Hill incident, the Bynars debacle and now this, and we're only up to the second season.

Data: Do not worry, sir, I doubt the writer's will use the holodeck as a plot device too many more times. That would just be lazy on their part.

 

[rcjames]

LaForge: "Data, it's a shoe. Jeez and people think I'm blind..."

 

[tharpdevenport]

Levar: "So, Brent, what do you think I'll be doing on Reading Rainbow today?"

Brent: "Reading to elementary school kids, my dear Watson."

Picard: "Thee, ah, subject of the memo is: Dress Codes. In order to promote a more work-friendly environment, female employees will be required to raise the hem of theirs skirts to an attractive level. All portly and matronly women disregard this notice.

Hey -- where is Beverly? I specifically asked she be here for the memo reading."

"I wouldn't get too excited, it's all down hill for you after this episode."

Gates: "LOL, I've been in 'Code of Honor' -- I think I'm safe."

"Have you read the script for 'Sub Rosa' yet?"

Picard: "Computer, emergency override -- open these doors now."

Computer: "Negative."

Picard: "Why not?"

Computer: "Because you did not say the magic word."

Picard: "And what is the magic word?"

Computer: "Please."

 

[rcjames]

Picard: "What is this, Mr. Data?"

Data: "It's paper, sir. Developed in China in the 2nd Century AD. Although possibly as early as--"

Picard: Yes, yes. I know what paper is.

*Riker giggles*

Picard: *Glares at Riker* "Oh, that's funny is it, Number One?"

Riker: "Sorry, sir."

Picard: "How about you at least act like an X.O. for a change? And for God's sake would you sit up straight!"

 

[shivkala]

Data: Elementary, my dear Watson. It was Professor Plum in the Conservatory with the candlestick!

Man: This guy doesn't have a clue, does he?

Geordi: Unfortunately, he does have Clue.

Data: To Play Blue's Clues, We've gotta find uh,

Geordi: Pawprint!

Data: Oh, a Pawprint! Right! And that is our first...

Geordi: Clue!

Data: A clue?

Geordi: A Clue!

Data: Then we put it in our...

Geordi: Notebook!

Data: Because they are Blue's Clues, Blue's Clues!

Picard: Thank you all for coming to, what I hope will be a start of a successful tradition, the crew bed time story. Though, Mr. Data and Mr. LaForge, I see you are not wearing a uniform. I thought the purpose of these uniforms were to double as pajamas.

Moriarty: ...and I'm just a fictional foil for the legendary detective, Sherlock Holmes?

Pulaski: Himself a fictional creation. Why the two of you are just like Batman and the Joker, Daredevil and the Kingpin, Kirk and Khan, Tom and Jerry, Austin Powers and Dr. Evil. I could go on.

Moriarty: Please don't.

Picard: I take it the odds are against us and the situation is grim.

Data: You could say that, Sir.

Picard: Sounds like fun!

 

[Triskelion]

10010100010111010011101001010101LH!

Holmes: Yes come in - Inspector LeStrade!
LeStrade: Uncanny, Holmes! How did you know it was me?
Holmes: The scuff of the soles of your shoes on the stair denote the purposeful tread of full time professional investigator; while the rustle of your tweed topcoat suggests its wearer has left it unfastened - the vesture of a man familiar with being exposed in the elements, yet still requiring a gentleman's code of habiliment - hence, an officer of the law. I deduced your rank as Inspector by the softer tread of your associate, rather than the heavier clump of a lower ranking enforcer; and your direct steps toward my humble study could only mean, of course, a prior knowledge of its interior. This left none other in all of London than yourself, Inspector LeStrade. Elementary!
LeStrade: Uncanny, Holmes!
Watson: Also, we saw you crossing the street from that big window.
LeStrade: Uncanny, Holmes!

Holmes: Come Watson, the game is a foot!
Watson: Don't you mean, "afoot"?
Holmes: Why would I say "afoot" when I'm holding a shoe? Or would you call it "ashoe"?
Watson: By Jove Holmes, I could be getting shot down by chicks right now, you know!

Picard: - and in further business, Starfleet Human Resources has ordered us all to undergo mandatory anger management training. Apparently a certain senior officer - I won't say who - can't just go around telling certain people to shut up.
Troi: Along those lines, we'll be receiving a preliminary inspection and possible follow-up investigation from Child Services.
Riker: And OSHA. Apparently there have been shipwide upgrades not authorized by Federation Safety Regulation Administration.
Worf: And the Klingon High Command Oversight and Treaty Compliance Task Force is investigating a possible breach of the Treaty of Khitomer.
Picard: Khitomer? Whatever for?
Worf: Apparently someone has been sending messages in time to divert the Enterprise from intervening in the Romulan Plot during the Khitomer Accords. From the Ten Forward wifi router.
Picard: Yes, well, let's just all refrain from telling certain young individuals to shut up, shall we.
Troi: By the way, we have all been scheduled for mandatory colonoscopies and cystourethroscopies by the ship's Chief Medical Officer.
Picard: Can she do that?
Troi: No, we are free to refuse.
Picard: Good!
Troi: I have the refusal and official command resignation forms right here.....
Picard: Can you talk to her?
Troi: She won't listen to me. But there is someone she might listen to....but he informed me he will be busy shutting up for at least another few weeks. Apparently someone used his command voice telling him to shut up, making it a Captain's order. Not saying who.
Riker: <trombone> Wah-waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh.

Pulaski: Oh, you silver-tongued devil! Such a refreshing change from the last man I shared tea with.
Moriarty: But enough about my undescended testicle. Would you care for some freshly-squeezed lemon juice?

Housekeeper: Who is it?
Data: Sherlock Holmes and a gentleman from France!
Housekeeper: Cor! I ain't lettin' no Frenchie in here!
Data: I meant, Jack the Ripper!
Housekeeper: Oh then come right in.
Picard: After our visit with the Admiral we'll go to the holodeck.

 

[Jedman67]

DATA: "Computer, load program 221B, Baker Street."
COMPUTER: "Shuttlecraft Baker is prepped for launch. Enter when ready."
PICARD: "Wrong door, Data."

 

[Hutchy01]

Geordi: I thought Sherlock wore a scarf and long coat.

Moriarty: Did you miss me?

One of these men is classically trained English actor who knows that tweed and a deerstalker would be inappropriate wear for Victorian London. The other does not.

 

[Jedman67]

PICARD: "...And the last item from Starfleet Command, RE: Uniform Changes.
'Starfleet Personnel are now required to wear fashionable suits with trousers, neckties, waistcoats and 19th century styled headgear.'
This concludes today's staff meeting. Dismissed!"

 

[Hutchy01]

PICARD: Does it always need to be Moriarty? It's like other great villains such as Milverton and Stapleton who were multi-faceted in their evils are overlooked in favour of the mono-dimension bad guy.
[It's nice to have a contest that features my other favourite piece of fiction]

 

[Leviathan]

TFTW!

Picard: ...and due to low participation, Formal Friday will be converted back to Casual Friday.

 

[Leviathan]

Data: EUREKA! The holodeck has granted this shoe....Consciousness. We must set it free Geordi, for this shoe has a SOLE.
Geordi: LaForge to bridge, he's gone all "machines have free-will" again....permission to reboot Data?

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Data: "I am detecting small particulates of undigested vegetable matter in this substance, consistent with the diet of a well-fed equine. Yes, I believe it is reasonable to conclude that you have indeed stepped in-"
Geordi: "Yuck. Never mind that, Data. Just give me back my shoe. My foot is getting cold."

Data (under his breath): "There goes Mr. Skinflint/There goes Mr. Greed/The undisputed master of the underhanded deed..."
Picard: "I never should have introduced you to the Muppets..."
Data: "I am sorry, sir. But you do resemble Scrooge in that costume..."

 

[Finn]

Thanks for the win....tho I believe Wil Wheaton detests the "shut up, Wesley" line

BURTON: Mental note; Have my agent ask Gene to cast men shorter than me. I look tiny next to Patrick...

 

[Finn]

Moriarty: Is it possible for your people to come up with a device I might wear...perhaps on my upper arm...to enable myself to move around the ship freely as you do?

Pulaski: That's crazy talk!