TNG Caption This! #373: Command Presence

[Armored Saint]

BEVERLY: Look, it's clearly written, ...must not interfere with the social development of said planet IF IT IS NOT NECESSARY....non-ingerence does not mean non-assistance...non-assistance is a criminal offense...
PICARD: Ok, my lousy interpretation of our Prime Directive is criminal...what does this have to do with my hair?
BEVERLY: UFP Criminal Code, article 18222.222: Criminal non-assistance is punished by baldness

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Are all your diagnoses based on WebMD?

 

[Armored Saint]

BEVERLY:...and one of those captionners should be able to add you hair...
PICARD:...and enlarging your boobs?

PICARD: Why the hell are they so mad against Berman? He get rid us of that Gene's Mary Sue who's the boy.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: They don't do the Assless Chaps meme anymore?

 

[Armored Saint]

BEVERLY: Look at these old contests...five years earlier and you would have been the victim of the McCoy's Ass-grabing clone.
PICARD: By the way, you're already the victim of the Picard ass-grabing original.

 

[2takesfrakes]

"If we take this bird in, with its broken leg,
We could nurse it, she said,
Come inside for a little lie down with me,
And if you fall asleep, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
But when I wake up, and your make up is on my shoulder,
And tell me if I lie down, would you stay now?
Let me hold ya, oh ..."

 

[Finn]

Stewart: Gene, I object to this. An Shakespearean actor of my caliber should not have to work with someone with a baby face like his…


Gene: Agreed…Jonathan, grow a beard

 

[Armored Saint]

STEWART: I understand Michael Westmore is enthusiastic to work on this show, but does he need to make an alien chin for Frakes?

 

[Nerys Myk]

STEWART: Someone tell asschin to get out of my light!

 

[GeorgeKirk]

"No, THAT's the guy they call 'Stinknuts'. They call me 'Old Baldy'."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Picard: "I was a captain by the time I was twenty-eight. Whereas this asswipe is apparently going to spend his entire career as a second banana. No offense, Will."

 

[Triskelion]

Well I don't care what Mister Worf says - troll doll wigmaking is an honorable business idea.

Worf: Romulans decloaking!
Picard: ...
Riker: Oh great, he's doing 'Blue Steel'.
Worf: Ooh, do 'Offended Gowron' next!

Ardra: Why does he keep nodding off?
Data: His legal research consisted largely of watching old episodes of Matlock.
Ardra: Now this is hell.

Crusher: You see Captain, I only needed to put your DNA analysis on the screen. Not your actual DNA.
Picard: Mea culpa.
Crusher: And for future reference, not on my tricorder, either.

Picard: He ordered a Chinese veg pocket but the replicator gave him a chin vag pocket instead.


Meanwhile, elsewhere on the ship...

Troi: <spittake> This isn't my veggie juice!

 

[Armored Saint]

BEVERLY:..and then Troi realized she wasn't drinkin veggie juice..
PICARD: This entry for the win!

PICARD: I'm confused, did he put ice in the cup of that homeless man?
BEVERLY: No, Jean-Luc, this one is for Lou Gehrig's disease.
PICARD: You can cure Lou Gehrig's disease by doing that?
BEVERLY: Hmmm

 

[Nerys Myk]

Picard slowly succumbed to the power of Hostess Sno Balls.

 

[2takesfrakes]

"Counselor, I want to see more of these given out for 'Picard Day.' And he can have his own all-terrain vehicle to drive around in, as he searches for adventure. He can even have a girlfriend to rescue, if you want. A redhead ... with her own accessories. He'll need a bad guy to fight, too! I would make him a Nausicaan ..."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Picard: Numbah One, that will be all. This doll version of myself will be more than sufficient for all pull-my-finger needs aboard ship.

 

[Armored Saint]

PICARD: Excuse me Numbah One, this his precious moment, I just found my long lost brother that I didn't eve know I had.
RIKER: (Imitating Picard) It's okay, Numbah One can stay with us.

 

[Triskelion]

Ha ha, good one Armored Saint!

Picard: - and when Ardra led us into the Devil's threesome, this was as far as Commander Riker and I got! It wasn't gay!
Data: The evidence is noted. And in the future please stick with the court-appointed sex abuse doll.
Picard Doll: Return that moon to its orbit!

Ardra: And the two bridge officers who operate the most critical ship functions are both virgins?
Data: Yes....
Ardra: And vital ship operational schematics are monitored by...a blind guy?
Data: Well, when you put it that way...
Ardra: And the one he put in charge of highly sensitive communications with alien races -
Data: - Is a Klingon, yes.
Ardra: And his primary advisor aboard ship is...
Data: A shrink, yes.
Ardra: But his First Officer is good...
Data: Oh yes. He's the best.
Ardra: ...at....
Data: Boinking aliens.
Ardra: My work here is done. I withdraw my case.
Data: Congratulations, sir. You win.
Picard: Hurrah.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Wonder Picard Twin Powers, activate!!!!

Picard: Shape of...a POMPOUS BALD GUY!

Doll: Form of...BEVERLY'S SEX DOLL!

Riker: Wait, what?

 

[2takesfrakes]

CRUSHER: "Captain, I'm afraid your DNA sample's been lost in transit."

PICARD: "'Lost in transit,' meaning what, exactly? Can you trace it? Is it retrievable?"

CRUSHER: "I believe the answer is 'no,' on both counts. We may have to take another ..."

PICARD: "Beverly, someone could've stolen those samples and started making clones of me to take over this ship, or perhaps even ..."

CRUSHER: "You're being paranoid, Jean-Luc. Really! Who's going to try to 'clone' you - the Romulans? Get real."