TNG Caption This! 348: Uncomfortable Moments

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Spread the word! I'm (basically) on time! YAY!

First up to the plate, we have the "Captain's Orders" Award, going to:

Picard: You have the bridge, Mr. Worf. Whatever you do, don't let Deanna drive.

Next, we have the "Cruel and Unusual" Award, going to:

Picard: "Good lord, what have they been feeding you? It smells like something died in here."

Next, we have the "New Lifeforms" Award, going to:

Worf: Commander! The hills! They're...alive.

Riker: Some kind of silicon-based lifeform, Lieutenant?

Worf: No, sir. Tricorder indicates it is the sound of music!

Next, we have the "Nobody was trying to convince you, Sir" Award, going to:

PICARD: I can believe it's not butter.

Next, we have the "Thorough Analysis" Award, going to:

Riker: Data, what is it!
Data: Big ass energy bolt, sir.

Lots of photoshop entries (I LOVED THEM ) and the award goes to:

SHAZAM!

Captain's Personal Log, supplemental. Note to self: No matter how much I enjoy Bounty bars, do NOT eat any I find lying around in caves.

Picard: Mr. Worf, you have the bridge. If any of your ex-girlfriends show up, try not to get them killed this time.

And, there was some good natured strikes made at me this time around, so I have pit them against each other in a battle of doom!!!!!!!!!!

In this corner....

LEADHEAD: Picard, you ungrateful bastard! I gave you the "The Klingon who Shagged me" Award and you didn't even thank me.

and in this corner....

Picard/Shivkala: What do you mean none of my captions were funny?

Worf/Leadhead: Your captions were...without honor.

AND FIGHT!!!!!!!!

...




....





.....






Okay, they're both winners!


And now, congrats to our winners and many thanks to all of our participants!

Lets begin a new contest!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Number One, I thought I ordered you to get rid of the male skirt uniforms.

Helena: No, Worf. We can't get you that BB Gun, you'll shoot your eye out!

Riker: Okay, why do we dim the lights for the night shift? There is no practical reason for this!

Data: And a new feature of that jumpsuit is that it automatically extracts your bodily wastes, eliminating the need for bathroom breaks.

Captain Wesley Crusher: Number One, you have the Bridge.

 

[Armored Saint]

PICARD: Numbah One! Your hair! I can't believe it's not butter!

Q:ARGH! What's happening in my pants? It stinks!
GEORDI: At least I know now he never spied me on toilet!

 

[Gepard]

TFTW, LeadHead!

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Picard: "Will, confidentially, did a man in a dress just walk past?"
Riker: "Yes sir, he did."
Picard: "Oh thank God! The medication's still working."

Helena: "Oy Worf! That's a big gorch! You want mamma to pop it for you like I used to?"
Worf: "It is not a gorch, mother. It is a wound obtained in honorable combat."
Sergei: "That's what you used to say, when you first hit puberty. And when Klingons hit puberty, they hit it with a bat'leth!"

Wesley: "Commander, please remain seated during movie night."
Troi: "Yeah, your big ass is in between me and Chris Pine."

Data: "What happened, Geordi?"
LaForge: "He tried feeding Spot. Apparently that hermaphroditic cat of yours hates him even more than it hates me."

Riker: "Riker to engineering, send a maintenance tech to the bridge, and this time make sure that he's discreet. The counsellor has had another hair in zipper incident."

 

[shivkala]

TFTW, Leadhead!

Picard: C'mon, Will, you know you want to hit on the Lt. over there in the skant and then act like you didn't know that it was a he. "Oh, I'm sorry, I just thought, you know, given the skirt..."

Riker: Back to Troi's sexual harassment group for you, sir.

Worf: I'm adopted?!

Helena: We're sorry to have kept this from you for so long.

Riker: First officer's log, supplemental. I hate when Wesley has his shift on the bridge. The lights always "mysteriously" dim, but we all know it's to hide that monster zit he has on his face.

Geordi: What the hell is he doing?

Data: I am not allowed to divulge how I know, but I believe he is experiencing an orgasm.

Geordi: Oh, yeah, I mean, totally, I've done that before, many times...WITH WOMEN!

Data: Geordi, you are not fooling anyone.

Geordi: I know...I know.

Riker: First Officer's Log, the Captain has once again denied permission to have the bridge crew play, "I'm Sexy and I Know It," when I step onto the bridge. But, it's totally fine for them to play, "I'm Too Sexy," whenever he emerges from his Ready Room. "Captain's privilege," my ass!

 

[Triskelion]

TFTW Leadhead!

Picard: New order, Number One. All crew are to report to Mister Mott for a bikini wax for anything showing from the waist down.
Riker: Better make it the neck down, sir. Mister Worf found out about the hot tub party.
Picard: Dammit Spacebook!

Worf: No, Papa. The security team did not believe me when I told them cavity searches were a Russian invention. They laughed at me and then detained me for a "random cavity search."
Sergey: Did you tell them I have all the specs and diagrams at home?
Worf: Yes. Then they gave me an angry colonoscopy.

Captain Sisko: I've opened this temporal rift to a time before the Dominion War to ask if you had any lightbulbs we could borrow?
Riker: I must admit it's a little unsettling to discover Starfleet still hasn't solve the basic lighting issue by your time.
Wesley: Makes me want to phase the crap out of this dimension.

Q: My hemorrhoid is moving at near right angles to the plane of my ecliptic!
Geordi: I guess you need to change the Preparation H constant of Uranus.
Data: Query....

Picard: You were right, Number One. That Minuet hologram really does know a lot about slide trombones.

 

[Armored Saint]

SERGEI: Worf, there's something important you have to know about your mother's borsch...
WORF: Please, don't tell me it was not really home-made.
HELENA: No no no, it was really home-made, but the main ingrendient was beet, not blood and heart of a petaq!

TROI: Will, what happened? I was drying my hair...and why do I suddenly sense exasperation?
RIKER: Didn't you pay attention to my message? Geordi needed half the power of the ship to be able to beam up the Captain whithout lowing the shields, so nobody were supposed to use any electrical device during three little minutes. Now, we have no more main power, only one quarter of the auxiliary power, the Captain couldn't have been beamed up and we have NO MORE SHIELDS in the NEUTRAL ZONE.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

RIKER: But Captain...
PICARD: We have to have men in uniforms like that. Otherwise it's sexist when we put women in uniforms like that.

SERGEY: I don't see how you can be mad at your brother in this situation Worf. He was trying to save a world from extinction and you were trying to let them die horribly on some high minded principle. Now if you don't mind I'd like to meet my half alien grandson.

GEORDI: What is it?
Q: One of the life forms I tormented is using me as a hand puppet!

It suddenly dawns on Riker that he actually turned down his own command just so he could be with his friends.

 

[Finn]

Captain's Log. Wesley has been on the holodeck for the past two days and he hasn't caught on. Quark owes Riker a favor. We will be beaming him over to one of their holosuites when Wesley's sleeping.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Wesley: "Why yes sir, I do watch gladiator movies..."
Riker: "I didn't ask."
Wesley: "Pity..."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Riker: "I appreciate the thought, Deanna, but this really isn't the time nor the place. Computer, delete Bridge Environment Configuration file 'Troi Cuddle Time' and restore normal settings!"

 

[Armored Saint]

WESLEY: Commander, why are we in dim light mode?
RIKER: Because it's the only way for your awkward suit to don't look so bad.

 

[Armored Saint]

TROI: Hello guys! It's just a *movie*!
RIKER: But Deanna, he just found Spot in a trash can and now having his first tears of joy.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Helena: Oy, Worf, your father and I come to visit you and you haven't got ONE heart of Targ ready for us? I swear, sometimes I wonder why I even get up in the morning, you make your poor old mother get by on replicator rations! Maybe I should just throw myself out of the nearest airlock the way you treat your poor old mama! And what's this I hear about you and that Betazoid shiksa? Why couldn't you find a nice Klingon doctor like I tried to fix you up with that one time? And another thing...

Worf (thinking): I wonder what a phaser shot at point-blank range feels like.

 

[Holdfast]

TFTW!

PICARD: Will, find out the number of that chick in the short skirt.
RIKER: You certain about this, Captain?

MUMMY WORF: And this was your face when I walked in on you browsing NSFW sites on FedNet that time.

RIKER: Damn, it was my turn to pay the electricity bill this month, wasn't it?

LA FORGE: Next, we'll try inserting the zucchini.
DATA: The subject appears in distress from the carrot; are you sure it's wise to proceed?
LA FORGE: Testing to destruction is a sound engineering principle, Data. It's how we learn.
DATA nods wisely.

RIKER (thinking): Silent. But deadly. God, I'm good at this.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Rick Berman (OS): "So, Jonathan, I hear you're not too happy with the new hairdresser?"

 

[Armored Saint]

PICARD: Hey, our security chief looks great in red!
RIKER: Sir, the evil tar puddle killed Tasha last week, and by the way, her muscles were way bigger.

 

[Triskelion]

Worf: I capitulate in dishonor.
Sergey: Staring contests were invented by a little old mother in Minsk.

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: That new chick totally gave me the brush off!

PICARD: Relax, Number One. It's a dude.

RIKER: Still!!!!