TNG Caption This! 342: Tardy

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone, thanks for bearing with me this week with my tardiness! It is appreciated!

First up to the plate, we have the "Treasure Items" Award, going to:

More surprising than the crew grabbing what they cherished most, during the crisis, was how strongly Worf felt about Science Station 1

Next, we have the "Sign Language" Award, going to:

Data: This is two people walking along the beach by the blue ocean at sunset with erectile dysfunction.

Next, we have the "Overconfidence" Award, going to:

Riker: Captain, do you know the difference between you and me? I make this look GOOD.

Next, we have the "Hope he's got HR on speed-dial" Award, going to:

PICARD: You see Will? When you lean over Geordi like this it makes him really uncomfortable.
GEORDI: THANK YOU.

Next, we have the "Educational Programing" Award, going to:

Picard: Oh, you used the NX-01 program as well? I visited it too. I learnt the valuable lesson that the Captain's highest ranked human subordinate is completely stupid and totally expendable.

There was some (surprisingly ) good natured captions done at my expense due to my slowness. Here were the ones that made my sides split... which is actually not good when you're fighting a cold....

LaForge: "How much time should we reasonable give Leadhead?"

Data: "I will give this much time."

Riker: *grunting, obviously in pain* Sir, how much longer must we stand here? I feel like I've been in the same position for 11 days.

Picard: A few more hours, a day at most, just hang in there Number One, I'm sure Leadhead will have the new contest up in no time.

Worf: A true Klingon warrior can go a month without moving in a caption contest without complaining, Sir.

Thanks for the laughs!

Our photoshop award, goes to:

RIKER: Actually, I'm kinda turned on right now.

"Captain's Log: As the ship was only moments away from destruction, I instructed my bridge crew to grab whatever was most precious to them and head for the escape pods. Doctor Crusher's and Commander Data's choices were somewhat surprising."

Picard: You'd look good in gold.
LaForge: Oh, no, captain, please don't. I've got too much potential to die as security guy just to prove the situation is serious!
- sorry, Tasha.
Yar: I'm sorry?

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Captain's Log, it wasn't until nearly 2 hours into the meeting that I was able to admit that I had no idea why I called it.

Crusher: Captain, I've made a breakthrough! If we harvest Klingon DNA, we can use it to make your hair grow back!

Picard: You see Data, when a Male android and a Female Android, really like each other...

Data:...And using this program known as "Photoshop," we shall make LeadHead laugh and win awards in Caption Contests.

Picard: Excellent, Mister Data.

Picard: Commander, I couldn't remember whether it was dairy, pineapple or tropical grasses you were allergic too, so I put all of them in your drink.

Riker: Riker to sickbay...

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Picard: "Oh! You said 'biggest boob,' singular! In that case, that would be Geordi."

Picard: "As you all know, Dr. Crusher has always traditionally appeared each year at our New Year's Eve party wearing only a diaper and a gold sash. This meeting is to decide whether we want to ask Dr. Pulaski to continue that tradition and, if so, who should ask her."

 

[Armored Saint]

PICARD: So, Numbah One, don't you find that I'm shining on the HD version of this scene?

RIKER: **Hic** Can sombedy fix the gravity control?**Hic**
DATA: Captain, may I point out that would have been more appropriate to consult my fellow Lieutenant-Commanders and Departement chiefs than a Lieutenant junior grade, a psychologist and a drunk First officer?
PICARD: You're right Mistah Data, but I'm too shy to talk with anybody who don't hang out on the bridge.

 

[bbjeg]

Picard: Come in Geordi, what's taking you so long.
Geordi: Some of us aren't stationed next door you know.

Crusher: And when Wesley finally came home, he had a black eye. Do you have any idea who would do something like this?
Picard: I don't know. I haven't even seen him since I ordered Worf to keep him off my bridge.
Crusher: Well he won't tell me.
Worf: And if he knows what's best for him, he'll keep it that way.

Picard: Well, gee, I don't know, the yellow button?
Data: Sir, are you telling me that you don't know how to operate your ship?
Picard: That's what everyone else is for.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Thanks for the win LH!

Picard: As a Starfleet officer I an sworn to uphold the Prime Directive even at the cost of your lives...

Data: You mean to say "Our lives" don't you Sir?

Picard: Yes, your lives. But even so, if Leadhead takes more than 8 days to do this contest I will be forced to take it over.

Riker: With all due respect Sir... you're not funny.

Picard: Don't worry, I've had Mr. Data create the perfect caption contest computer program. It's all Geordi's a virgin, Troi has boobs, Riker is gay and so on.

Riker: Are there any jokes about you in the program Sir?

Picard: I make the jokes Number One, I can't be what the jokes are about. I've even copied the style of several regular posters. Especially that inflatable dalek and his tendency to do over-long captions that really run any joke into the ground (including his inability to go three pictures without without doing a Troi's boobs one) that just go on and on and on until the point he realises he's just ejaculating dust and needs to stop but doesn't know how so has someone throw a random sentence in to finish things off in the hope that surrealism is always funny.

Troi: The Arch Duke's wife Sophie was wearing a lovely white dress the day he was shot.

Riker: Is this too meta? Especially with four pictures left to go?

Picard: SHUT UP!

Crusher: My annual performance review has revealed that Mr. Worf is in fact doing absolutely nothing. That console he stands at? He just uses it to update Spacebook all day.

Picard:... And that's why Troi sits on the bridge right next to me.

Troi: Somehow I knew this joke was coming from this poster.

Data: I'm sorry Sir, we'd have no way of suing the makers of the Iphone for stealing our user interfaces as it turns out we're fictional.

Picard: Drinking tea Number One? You are so gay.

Riker: Even though the opening caption prepared me for your basic and stupid level of humour... YOU ARE DRINKING TEA AS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Picard: This is whisky my friend.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

STEWART: Are we ready to start the scene now?
CAMERAMAN: Yes. FINALLY, we found an angle where all of you were in the shot but the reflection of the camera wasn't. Now just give us a few more minutes to make it look less awkward.

BEVERLY: That's crazy. That'd be like refusing a blood transfusion to somebody just based on their race! Nobody in this day and age would be so petty.

DATA: The science officers have gotten together and asked me to make a request for chairs for the science stations on the bridge.
PICARD: They want chairs, do they?
DATA: Yes sir. They also want medical coverage for the neck pain resultant from constantly wrenching their necks.

PICARD: You see number one? Earl gray tea is much better than wine.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Since Crusher and Yar aren't here, we can make fun of them. I'll start...

CRUSHER: I slept through xeno-medicine in school, so keep the aliens out of sick bay.

PICARD: What do you think it is?

DATA: Some gray blobs and some blue blobs.

 

[inflatabledalek]

DATA: The science officers have gotten together and asked me to make a request for chairs for the science stations on the bridge.
PICARD: They want chairs, do they?
DATA: Yes sir. They also want medical coverage for the neck pain resultant from constantly wrenching their necks.

Picard: Do they not know the base of all the rear stations actually pulls out to be a really comfortable chair?

Data: No Sir.

Picard: Merde, with scientists like that it's no wonder we've failed to find any strange new worlds.

 

[Armored Saint]

CRUSHER: Captain, I just made an important discovery about all these unlabelled buttons!
PICARD: Considering you're a doctor, I suppose you will say they're alive.
CRUSHER: Exactly, they are related to Tribbles!!
WORF: They are what?

PICARD: What's the prognosis for the upcoming years?
DATA: We shall be a little less skinny.

 

[Nerys Myk]

TROI: Captain, please hand the Orgasmatron to Mr. Data. It's been almost four hours. Don't make me call Dr. Crusher.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Picard: "Mr. Data, the ship's Systems Log shows that the toilet in your quarters has not been flushed in over a month!"
Data: "Sir, in my case, it is completely unnecessary--"
Picard: "Regulations are regulations, Commander!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: There's a problem in the Nebula.

PICARD: The Nebula? What is it?

DATA: An interstellar cloud of dust, hydrogen, helium and other ionized gases, but that's not important right now.

 

[Armored Saint]

TROI: In fact sir, you're right about Data and his Cardassian hairstyle, but he's on special assignment since last week...this is the Admiral Savar's adopted son and he's Cardassian.
PICARD: When did I start to gently mocking Data about his charming hair?
TROI: Three days ago...
PICARD: Well, it seems we will catalog gaseous planetary anomalies in Beta Quadrant for the next three years. It's gonna be wonderfull!

 

[Mojochi]

Hey! Thanks for the win

Data: I'm sorry sir, if you would prefer a more detailed explanation, perhaps installing a viewscreen in here would be usefull

Crusher: I'm thinking of changing my hairstyle. Would that be alright, Captain?

Picard: Of course, Doctor. It's not like Starfleet has strict standards or regulations on hairstyles. I thought everyone was aware of that

Worf: Wait a minute. What?

Picard: I'm thinking of redecorating my quarters. All this white tends to show the residue from my scalp wax. Suggestions?

Picard: Sometime this week would be nice. Seriously, that's not sarcasm. You've been standing here for a week, Data

Picard: See Will? Data likes the Earl Grey, don't you Data?

Data: Yes Sir, I added silicon based polymers to mine

Riker: It's worth a try

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Riker: You say this is the Chief's special "Irish blend?"
Picard: It explains his marriage, wouldn't you say?

 

[Finn]

Belated thanks for my win two contests ago

Beverly:*growls*

Worf: *mutters* She's turning me on

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Data: With the end of net neutrality, we can no longer afford to stream from Netflix. All we can get are blob animations.
Picard: Which means I'll actually have to talk to Beverly afterward.
Data: At least you do not have to hear stories of Tasha's troubled youth or her awkward moralizing about drugs.

 

[shivkala]

Picard: I've just had my annual Captain's evaluation and lost points for having too many long meetings with my bridge crew. So, I've gathered you all here to have a meeting discussing how to have fewer meetings that last over 15 minutes. If you'll all direct your attention to the viewscreen so you can watch the Powerpoint I've created...

Crusher: I got here as fast as I could, what's the medical emergency?

Picard: I have a hangnail.

Worf: *muttering to himself* These humans and their petty problems...

Troi: Okay, gentlemen, you are here for your weekly mandatory sensitivity training. Captain, will you go first and explain to us why you're here?

Picard: I told Lt. Yar she had some real nice "Sweater Puppies."

Data: Query, Sir, what do you mean by "Sweater Puppies?"

Picard: It's slang for breasts, especially, um, firm ones.

Data: Ah, as in "boobies," "jugs," "melons," "gazongas," "milk bags..."

Troi: Data! That's enough! And, a perfect example of why you're here!

Picard: Well, Mr. Data, what has your investigation uncovered.

Data: Impossible as it seems, apparently you are correct, that due to my olfactory senses detecting the smell first, I must have been the one to discharge intestinal gases.

Picard: I understand you never had a childhood, Data, but believe me, there was more truth shared on the primary school playground than one would, at first, believe. Now, be careful in returning to your station. That last encounter with a Klingon has opened a crack in the bridge floor. You know what will happen if you step on it...

Picard: It's the simple pleasures in life, Will. This mug of Earl Grey, for example.

Riker: Some New Orleans jazz.

Picard: A good book.

Riker: The viewscreen showing the feed from the hidden cameras you installed in Troi's quarters.

Picard: Quiet, Will, she's going to take a shower!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Picard: Will, these Blu-Rays are amazing. The quality is first-rate. For example, you can really see that awkward move you always do when you hunch your shoulder and slink out of the room like so.

Riker: Hey!!