TNG Caption This! 297: Brace for Holidays!

[LeadHead]

Happy Sunday everyone! See? I told you I'd try to get things back to weekends!

First up to the plate, we have the "Dangerous Games" Award, going to:

Cowboy: "So much for the dealer... and the waitress behind him, and the two guys at the blackjack table behind her... and the one armed bandit... and the wall..."
Riker: "Perhaps you shouldn't roll the dice quite so hard."
Worf: "Impressive... Was this game invented by a Klingon?"

Next, we have the "Don't Mess With Wes" Award, going to:

On Klingon vessels, authority is taken through combat. Not given by weak and cowardly rules. Under my command, cowardice will be reprimanded -

<Wesley jumps up and kicks him in the nards>

Data <to Kurn, writhing on floor>: Never mess with Ensign Crusher's grade point average.

Next, we have the "Failed Attempts at Romance" Award, going to:

WESLEY: So I started throwing chairs at her like you said.
WORF: And it didn't work?
WESLEY: No, she threatened to press charges.
WORF: I don't understand humans.

Next, we have the "Shape up or we'll get an obedient Klingon" Award, going to:

Picard: Damn it, Geordi, we're trying to all turn dramatically on cue, like in those old TV show intros. If you can't get it right, I'm afraid we'll have to replace you with Worf.

Next, we have the "Unusual Conditions" Award, going to:

Crusher: "Calm down, Jean-Luc. You think you're the first to have this problem?"

Picard: "Actually, yes. In fact, I'm so sure, I'll bet you 100 quatloos you've never seen another bald man with severe dandruff."

Couldn't choose between these two for the Photoshop Award, so they're both winners!

PICARD: I guess you could say, he was phased out.

Music swells: Yeaaaaaaaaah!!!!

PICARD: Geordi, its glasses off, then on.

GEORDI: I hate you guys.

And.....

Data: Query commander, what do you mean by "loaded" dice?
Riker: Thanks a lot Data....
Casino Employee: You two will have to come with us.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congratulations to our winners!

And now, with the holidays on imminent approach, lets Caption!

Enjoy and Happy Holidays to you!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Thanks for this Number One, but I already have this.

Riker: I know, it's how I knew you'd like it!

Worf: This Marinade is without honor!

Data: Thank you for your gifts, but the wrapping paper is much more interesting to me.

Riker and Geordi started a side business of having Data do masterful art forgeries.

Data: So we're agreed, we find the milk and cookies then beam out with them.

 

[Finn]

Data: This is what I was thinking about while doin' Tasha

Troi: I meant to ask. How is your research into turn of the millennium sitcoms going?

Data: It is going well. I'm currently going through How I met your Mother. I'm developing a liking for Marshal's mother. She reminds me of someone.

 

[Captain Crow]

Thanks for the Photoshop Award co-win!

Riker: Data's cat pissed in the mashed potatoes.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Picard: "This box is empty."
Riker: "The box is the gift."
Picard: "It's a cheap plywood box with glued on plastic tiles."
Riker: "Well...it's the thought that counts."
Picard: "Agreed. What the hell were you thinking?"

Data: "Should we begin our security sweep now, Counselor?"
Troi: "In a moment, Data. As soon as Commander Worf finishes mentally undressing Lieutenant Selar."

 

[Ln X]

Riker: It's bad sir, we have reason to believe that our master caption contest maestro LeadHead has been recycling images for new contests!

Riker: I've taught Mr Worf here how to eat food civilly, beforehand he would have utensils were weapons!

Data: I would thank you but I just don't have the emotional subroutines to do so...

Riker: Data... What's with all the gay erotic paintings?
Data: I have found sir that a certain controversial style can be rather distinctive.
Geordi: I'll say! Who knew the captain's log was that big!

Troi: DID YOU JUST GROPE ME DURING MID-TRANSPORT!?!
Data: Just a little experiment into sexual arousal during molecular transference, forgive me counsellor.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Data: "I was going to read some of my poetry to you all, but whoever made the preparations for this party has set the room lights too dim for me to see the text."
Riker: "Officer thinking, Mr. Crusher!"

Data: "I am attempting to paint a nude portrait of Christy Henshaw. Tell me, Geordi, did I get it right?"
Riker and Data: *collapse in laughter*

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: Well that's about as likely to happen as Worf becoming a vegetarian!

TROI: No Data, I don't think the Captain is segregating the non-humans from the rest of the crew. What an absurd notion!

 

[inflatabledalek]

Picard: A box of Troi's used panties?

Riker: Apparently you were the only person left onboard who didn't have any.

Riker: My metabolism is great, I can eat all this shit and not put any weight on!

Data: Is this party in celebration of me officially becoming the most popular character on the show?

Budget cuts forced the actors to work on designing the new Ten Forward set between takes.

Troi: Wait, we're taking an extra on the away mission? I thought these things were regulars only?

 

[BriGuy]

Troi: This is going to sound crazy, Data, but for a moment I thought we were having sex.

Data: For a moment, counselor, we were.

And I finished.

 

[BriGuy]

Worf: Stupid dead human food. Good thing I took my Prilosec this morning.

 

[BriGuy]

Data: Ah, a gift from Dr. Pulaski.

A toaster.

Thank you, doctor.

 

[shivkala]

Picard: Viagra? Damn it, Beverly promised to keep that a secret!

Though he enjoyed it at the time, Worf would come to regret taking Riker's advice to try the Cream of Some Young Guy.

Pulaski: No, we didn't run out of wrapping paper. I suggested the aluminum foil to symbolize the artificial and mechanical nature of the thing we were buying gifts for.

Data: If I were human, I believe my response would be: You are a bitch! If I were human.

Data: I have been inspired by an early 21st Century painter who apparently went around restoring paintings. The internet seemed to approve of this at the time.

Data: Interesting, this appears to be an artifact of the late 20th century. A snow globe owned by Tommy Westphall. Sensor readings indicate an entire alternate reality is inside of it consisting of people and places popularized by television shows in this universe. It almost makes you wonder if we're all just characters on a television show being watched by people in another alternate universe.

 

[jespah]

Picard: This is awesome, Number One. A box made entirely out of weed!
Riker: It's sensimilla.
Picard: I smell promotion! And THC!

Worf: What's taters, Precious?

Data: Thank you for coming to my bridal shower. *sniff*

Riker (thinking): It looks like a bad mural from a 1977 dentist's office.

Troi and Data together (singing): One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Schlemiel, schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated.
We're gonna do it!

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: Excellent. This material will come in handy in manufacturing a hat to block the alien transmissions urging me to kill you all.

PULASKI: Wait....what?

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Riker: "This is excellent, wholesome, down-to-earth food! I'm surprised! Given the look of your eating utensils, I was expecting some kind of pretentious crap!"

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: A toupee, number one? Are you insinuating something?
RIKER: It's either that or make another trip to Risa.

Riker likes to challenge Worf to eating contests, which he secretly tapes and posts on YouTube.

DATA: Thank you for the wrapping paper. I will make good use of it.
PULASKI: Um...yes! The wrapping paper is the gift. You're welcome?

DATA: I've noticed human art frequently covers the subject of nudes. I've taken a step further and painted the inside of the human uterus.

DATA: Deanna, I'd like to introduce you to my brother. A positronic brain Dr Soong created before experimenting with human forms.
TROI: Wh...
DATA: You accept me as human because I'm sentient and not just because I look human, right?

 

[Triskelion]

Your - beard trimmer, Number One?
I'm going Beaver Trapper, Captain.

Riker: What kind of meat did you say this was, Keiko?

Keiko: I didn't.

Worf: It is awful. I love it!

Lieutenant Worf, what is this?
It's the latest release from Old Quarter, the hottest boy band on Qo'noS.
...
Ok, it's more opera.

What is it, Data?
It's an abstract to commemorate my time on Risa. I call it "Clash of the Adam's Apples."

Worf: Lieutenant Selar is deft at stealing apples. But not deft enough.

 

[BriGuy]

Geordi: Data is continuing his exploration of humanity with art.

Riker: Art? This is a bunch of crap.

Data: Yes, commander. But as I have been learning, sometimes people love crap.

 

[T'Girl]

Data: So, Worf gave me a honor blade.
Councilor Troi a box of chocolates.
Doctor Pulaski a antique oil can.
Commander Riker a musical instrument.
And Wesley a container of sticky white fluid.

Riker: "Wes, you really need to put your penis away.