The Saga of the Bears (poems, etc!)

[Deranged Nasat]

I thought I'd open a thread so we can post our humerous poems, etc. This is one I wrote for a friend (I'm pleased to say she loved it). It's very tongue-in-cheek

I would note that it features the characters of "God" and "Satan", both as villains. This is not intended as an affront to the Christian faith, it's simply a generic cartoonish representation of a trigger-happy smiting god-figure and the devil. It is not intended to actually convey any truthful opinion on religion, which I think should be quite clear by the time we get to the relevant bits, but just in case I thought I'd type this to clarify that nothing in this poem is to be taken seriously...

The Saga of the Bears

Verse the first, in which we are introduced to the fraternity of bears with which the saga shall be preoccupied, and who will hold our interest throughout. In this opening stanza, we are enlightened as to the philosophical difficulties that being of the ursine persuasion entails, and we observe how one unfortunate bear runs afoul of the purple badgers, representing convention and conservatism, who are unable to tolerate the bear’s blatant disregard for basic laws of nature. Is there hope that these bears shall overcome their restrictive position, emphasized by the paralyzing stickiness of the glue, and take flight to where their dreams promise them they could be?

Twenty bears were bored one day
So they grew wings and flew
But purple badgers spat at them
And one fell in the glue.

Verse the second, in which the restricted existence of the bears is further sketched in, and we question whether hope lays in relocation to a new environment. However, we must then face the hostility generated amongst those who claim this new land of promise as their own by rights, and who also seem to claim that world of dreams alluded to in the previous entry. Sadly, the depths of new experience on offer here prove too much for one bear, who is lost to us, pushed away as a consequence of this hostile reception.

Nineteen bears were bored one day
So they went to the beach
But hoards of sea-gulls dive-bombed them
And one sank out of reach

Verse the third, in which we turn our attention to the domestic sphere, and observe how even the pleasant, caring act of providing nourishment may prove dangerous when repressed and neglected social forces interpret such tenderness as an affront. For a simple act of food preparation here provides one bear with a fearful reminder that the demon of judgement lurks within most anything.

Eighteen bears were bored one day
So they made pasta bake
But the pasta demon leapt at them
And one began to shake

Bonus chorus!
They’re sticky, or drowning, or shaking to death
Won’t any of our bears be left drawing breath?

Verse the fourth, in which we are reminded that, despite the terrible restrictions so far placed upon their existence as free, feeling beings, the bears are not the worst off of life-forms. Their cages, we are now asked to ponder, being merely of the mind and the social medium they float or drown in, rather than material barriers to their dreams. Sadly, we observe here how those worse off than they treat with hostility not the true oppressors, but their brothers-in-spirit the bears, who cannot help or be proud of their relative good fortune.

Seventeen bears were bored one day
So they went to the zoo
But chimps in cages screamed at them
And pelted one with poo.

Verse the fifth, in which the need for our bears to stick together in the face of their terrible situation is emphasized. We observe how, although they try to put a cheerful face on their separation and hidden, closed-off status, the distance is truly crippling to them. Beneath the fun and games is the desperation at the fragmentation of their group, and without relational influence one bear finds himself truly lost to us, a fact cruelly emphasized by the fact that, despite being trapped in the wardrobe, there is no Narnia for the bears. Is there any way out when we are trapped in isolating circumstances, or can we truly never be found?

Sixteen bears were bored one day
so they played hide and seek
but the wardrobe shut on them
and one was lost all week.

Verse the sixth, in which we are reminded that hidden dangers may spring upon us at any moment, and preoccupation with competition and personal glory will only make us even more likely to trigger their attacks. As we walk across the unstable minefield that is life, our dreams and goals, here represented by the football, may ultimately lead us only into fear and misery. Strangely, the bears still haven’t worked it out; maybe this, we can ponder, will finally and fully open their eyes to the ghastly truth?

Fifteen bears were bored one day
So they played for the World Cup
But one trod on a land-mine
And, sadly, he blew up

Bonus chorus!
They’re poo-ey, or hidden, or blown to kingdom come
How many will survive; will there only be one?

Verse the seventh, in which we observe how, even when no overt hostility exists, life can still treat our bears cruelly. Turning their restrictions into strengths by embracing their own misfortune, singing a defiant song in the face of the downpour, they attempt to put on a brave face. Sadly, we observe how the forces of the incompetent and power-hungry, here represented by a familiar pair of rodents, will inadvertently trample underfoot those who only try to make the best of their time here on earth. We must ponder whether singing in the face of adversity is truly the correct move, as it may blind us to the true dangers, not of the predatory, but of the ignorant.

Fourteen bears were bored one day
So they sang in the rain
But one was knocked down with a car
By Pinky and the Brain

Verse the Eighth, in which we see how love, often hailed as the cure for all our concerns, is in fact a cruel and fickle mistress. For while pairing off can ease the pain considerably, this presupposes we have such a partner to turn to. If we find ourselves lost and alone, then love, we must consider, merely laughs at us, and the self-destructive nature of our subsequent bitterness can only lead to tragedy. Yeah, I know I said all the bears were male. Deal with it.

Thirteen bears were bored one day
So they began to mate
But one was left without a love
And suicide was his fate.

Verse the ninth, in which, traumatized by the frequency with which death stalks their band, the bears, like so many others, seek solace in religion. Their search for meaning, however, ultimately proves not only fruitless but actively hazardous; is now really the time to be making new enemies? Religion, we find, has both a positive and a negative function in our philosophy, and expecting belief to ease one’s soul is to display an incomplete understanding of the supernatural. Our false assumptions can come back to strike us, as easily as Lucifer with his fearful smelting rod. Where now can our ursine friends turn?

Twelve bears were bored one day
So they prayed to Jehovah
But Satan took his smelting rod
And bruised one bear all over

Bonus chorus!
They’re all lying dead, or battered by Satan
Is destiny simply really bear-hatin’?

Verse the tenth, in which, finally, our bears break out of their passivity and reject desperate, thoughtless searching in order to actively resist the cruelties of that bastard destiny. The fight is taken to the enemy in dramatic fashion, as all prior assumptions as to the nature of these verses are shockingly made redundant. No longer can pat philosophical statements suffice; it is time we shook things up and kicked some arse for our ursine brothers! Woo, woo!

Eleven bears were bored one day
So they marched off to war
“destiny keeps killing us
We won’t take it anymore!”

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Verse the eleventh, in which we find ourselves knee-deep in the horrors and traumas of war, and with heaven itself in an uproar, we must question if there is any hope for our bears. Pushed to the edge, is it any wonder they feel abused by the universe, and now express their frustrations through violence? But actions have consequences, and, like the cluster bomb, an action can result in multiple consequences flying off like shrapnel, destroying or maiming anyone in the vicinity. Thus, the empowering decision to fight for their worth initially results only in more casualties among the bears. Is there hope the tide of battle may be turned?

Eleven bears at war one day
“Let’s fight back, we must!”
But God threw in a cluster bomb
And two bears bit the dust.

Verse the twelfth, in which it appears all our recent empowerment was ultimately pointless. God, here representing the irritating voice of petty oppression, insists on pointing out to you that which by now will be obvious. This disrespect for the sum of your experiences, the string of awareness you now possess on the issue of the bears, reduces your engagement to a flat, meaningless notation. After all the bears have been through, the voice of oppression still cannot muster respect for their trials. An insidious oppositional tactic, for how can our bears claim dignity in combat when their heroics are reduced to statements of little or no depth?

Nine bears at war one day
Screamed their battle cry
But one blew out his vocal chords
Said God, “you’re gonna die”

Verse the thirteenth, in which we are reminded that we should never let our enemies out of our sight, lest their quietly plotted revenge surprise us at inopportune moments. For many verses have passed since we encountered the purple versions of a certain familiar animal, yet they have not forgotten the blatant disregard the bears had for strict physical laws. Seething with rage all this time, they now strike, forcing the bears to fight not only destiny and heaven, but the legacy of their previous adventures. We find, to our horror, that rather than moving from one verse to the next without consequences, the bears have instead constructed a web of hostility behind them, which only now manifests in disaster.

Eight bears at war one day
Flew jets in fighter mode
But purple badger sabotage
Caused one plane to explode.

Verse the fourteenth, in which peaceful negotiation is attempted. For it is quickly realized among the bears that a combined force of bears and badgers would stand a chance of breaking heaven’s power over their lives and dreams. The road to reconciliation with the badgers will be a long and harsh one, however, as until now the badgers have been loyal and willing servants of the oppressive reality. Indeed, the first rounds of diplomacy do not go well; can a people as vicious and petty as the purple badgers ever change their ways and join the fight for freedom?

Seven bears at war one day
Said “Surely we can get along?”
But badger ninjas murdered one
“nope, sorry, you were wrong”

Bonus chorus!
The casualties horrendous, the dead and dying many
How many bears will last; will we be left with any?

Verse the fifteenth, in which we are given hope once more. If we endure, if we stick in there and hold on to the end, if we hold on together, we can achieve anything. By refusing to give up, the bears have finally earned the respect of their old foes the purple badgers. Watching as the youngest bear, a mere boy, valiantly gives his life for his dream, the dream of all bears, the badgers are forced to confront their own short-sightedness and folly. Crippled by guilt at the youngster’s horrific end, they pledge to join the fight. Is there anything our bears cannot do now they have THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP on their side?

Six bears at war one day
The youngest died so horribly
The badgers instantly felt bad
And said that they were sorry

Verse the sixteenth, in which the bears, newly empowered with the art of diplomacy, continue making amends and gathering allies, ready for the upcoming final battle. This time, we discover, they aim to repair their relationship with the seagulls, whose territorialism prevented an early attempt by the bears to escape the drudgery and pointlessness of their lives. However, the enemies of the bears know what they are up to, for how can one hope to keep one’s plans concealed from the destiny of the universe itself? Retaliation is inevitable, and we are rapidly running out of bears. The suspense builds...

Five bears at war one day
Made peace with all the seagulls
But holy lightning struck one bear
“How dare you mess with fate’s goals?”

Verse the seventeenth, in which the line is crossed one time too many. The bears, emboldened by their diplomatic exploits, now achieve that which has propelled them from the beginning. Finding meaning in expanding your horizons becomes viable once the barriers to your dreams are brought down, and to this end, the cage surrounding those poor souls the chimps is nullified once and for all. Freedom beckons for all our valiant fighters, but petty oppression and honourable combat finally gives way to simple cruelty as heaven takes a stand against this affront to its power. It’s now or never; time to gather the forces and begin the final push for victory!

Four bears at war one day
Got the chimps out of their cage
But one bear was soon struck down
By God, in His great rage

Verse the eighteenth, in which the war council agrees that, having gathered together all its forces, delay is not an option. Our investment in these bears and their existential dilemmas is soon to pay off, as we approach the definitive answer to our long-running concern; how many bears will remain unscathed? As suspense builds, the strain finally takes its toll on one poor bear, who has endured too much in this highly traumatic life. Before the bloodshed recommences, we must take a quiet moment to remember those who did not live to see their goals accomplished, having simply been overtaken by time. Death, it seems, is a constant in life. NOW LET’S KICK DESTINY BUTT!!!!

Three bears at war one day
Gathered all their allies
But one bear had a heart attack
‘cause one bear always dies

Verse the nineteenth, in which VICTORY is trumpeted by our heroes. The valiant forces of the two remaining bears and their new friends....What’s that? Fed up with this silly philosophical nonsense? Want a straight-forward description of the battle? Ok, then. Hoards of angels attacked from above , but the purple badgers fought back, spitting at them and knocking them out of the sky. Satan’s demons attacked from below, but the chimps pelted them with poo until, stinking and shame-faced, they turned and ran. The seagulls took on the archangels and seraphs in mid-air, feathers flying. The bears themselves, in their heroism, charged the seat of God, where destiny flows from. God struck with holy lightning, but Pinky and the Brain deflected it using their car, and, leaping over the car, the bears grabbed onto God’s robes and started shredding them. Satan, meanwhile, tried to get the demons back together, but just as they faced the badgers a second time, pasta demon turned on them- he was a mole! The badgers and pasta demon slew all the other demons. God, meanwhile, tried desperately to keep his throne, source of destiny, safe, but one of the two bears started pummelling it, breaking it open and causing its power to leak out. Sadly, the shock of that power killed him, but God fled in horror, meaning victory for the one remaining bear. That felt a lot better, didn’t it?

Two bears, badgers, seagulls, chimps
Pinky, Brain and Pasta Demon
All together vanquished Fate
But one bear had to leave ‘em.

Verse the twentieth, in which the aftermath is contemplated. With peace restored, and his freedom realized, the last bear knows the serenity of being himself and fully appreciating his versatility. Life is pleasing, and a constant source of surprise. One surprise, we now find, comes in the form of new friends. For while we haven’t seen this character before, a still-somewhat-familiar scientist now enters the bear’s life, and, through his kindness, we find our second surprise, which takes the form of old friends. For, to prevent boredom and truly enjoy a free and meaningful life, we need every bear we can find....long live the bears.

One bear was bored one day
So he visited Frankenstein
And soon all twenty bears were back
And all of them were fine

 

[TheBrew]

Tell me if you have heard this one:

There once was a woman from Venus
Who's body was shaped like a-
That's Enough Mr. Data!

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Tell me if you have heard this one:

There once was a woman from Venus
Who's body was shaped like a-
That's Enough Mr. Data!

Indeed I have.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Not bad. Kind of an ode to nihilism with a happy ending.