If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you have lunch or go to a movie?
The Joke Thread.
- Thread starter trekkiedane
- Start date
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks "Do you serve food here?"
A classic ...A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T'.
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) Recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God'.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
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It's a pretty obscure number, you've probibly never heard of it.
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It's a pretty obscure number, you've probibly never heard of it.
Why did the walrus go to a Tupperware party?
It was looking for a tight seal.
It was looking for a tight seal.
A priest is walking by the cliffs when he sees a boy crying. He asks what's wrong. The boy points to the bottom of the cliff to a car burning in flames and explains that his parents were in the car
The priest unzips his trousers and says......"it's just not your day today, is it son"
The priest unzips his trousers and says......"it's just not your day today, is it son"
Good evening, ladies and germs. I just flew in from Chicago, and boy, are my arms tired.
Ten kids were brought into a courtroom. The bailiff said to the judge, "Your honor, these kids caused quite a commotion at the zoo the other day."
The judge looked at the kids and said, "I want each of you to tell me your name, and what you did."
The first kid said, "My name is Barry, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second kid said, "My name is Harry, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third kid said, "My name is Larry, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The fourth kid said, "My name is Jerry, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The fifth kid said, "My name is Mary, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The sixth kid said, "My name is Gary, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The seventh kid said, "My name is Perry, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The eighth kid said, "My name is Carrie, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The ninth kid said, "My name is Terry, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The tenth kid said, "My name is Peanuts."
Kor
Ten kids were brought into a courtroom. The bailiff said to the judge, "Your honor, these kids caused quite a commotion at the zoo the other day."
The judge looked at the kids and said, "I want each of you to tell me your name, and what you did."
The first kid said, "My name is Barry, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second kid said, "My name is Harry, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third kid said, "My name is Larry, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The fourth kid said, "My name is Jerry, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The fifth kid said, "My name is Mary, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The sixth kid said, "My name is Gary, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The seventh kid said, "My name is Perry, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The eighth kid said, "My name is Carrie, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The ninth kid said, "My name is Terry, and I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
The tenth kid said, "My name is Peanuts."
Kor
Bill Clinton and the Hooker
Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker
standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he
approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual
between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to
accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer
and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on
all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the
corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched
the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what
you get for five bucks!?"
_____________________________________________________
Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker
standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he
approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual
between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to
accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer
and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on
all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the
corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched
the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what
you get for five bucks!?"
_____________________________________________________
Starborn Dragon
Captain
Hmmmm....
What do you get when you have a sister in a jet at fifty thousand feet?
A nun of the above.
What do you get when you have a sister that knows martial arts?
A nun chuck you.
What do you get when you have a sister that has left the convent?
A nun the less.
What do you get when you have a sister in the convent with a coin collection?
nun cents.
These two cannibals were roasting a stand up comedian. One of them turns to the other and asks "Does this guy taste funny to you?".
What do you get when you have a sister in a jet at fifty thousand feet?
A nun of the above.
What do you get when you have a sister that knows martial arts?
A nun chuck you.
What do you get when you have a sister that has left the convent?
A nun the less.
What do you get when you have a sister in the convent with a coin collection?
nun cents.
These two cannibals were roasting a stand up comedian. One of them turns to the other and asks "Does this guy taste funny to you?".
Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
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The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The golfer gives the golf pro a dollar.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a dime.
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The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The golfer gives the golf pro a dollar.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a dime.
The biology teacher at a girl's prep school asked one of her students, "Would you please name the organ of the human body that, under appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size?"
The girl replied, "I don't think that's a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!"
The teacher then turned to another student and asked the same question. The second girl replied, "The pupil of the eye in dim light."
"Correct," said the teacher. She turned to the first girl and said to her, "Ms. Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
The girl replied, "I don't think that's a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!"
The teacher then turned to another student and asked the same question. The second girl replied, "The pupil of the eye in dim light."
"Correct," said the teacher. She turned to the first girl and said to her, "Ms. Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
So true. Nailed it this time
Starborn Dragon
Captain
A neutron walks into abar and orders a beer.
After the bartender serves him a beer, he asks how much will it cost him.
The bartender says to him "For you that'll be no charge".
After the bartender serves him a beer, he asks how much will it cost him.
The bartender says to him "For you that'll be no charge".
A Smart Wife ......
The Elderly Retired Veteran With A Smart Wife.
Early one morning an elderly retired veteran just finished a piece of artwork he had been working on
and yelled to his wife,
"Honey! Come see what I created!
It's an abstract panorama depicting the 6 years of the Obama Administration!" (9 years of Harper for us Canadians)
She yelled back, "Flush the toilet Herman and come eat your breakfast!"
In GOD we trust
The Elderly Retired Veteran With A Smart Wife.
Early one morning an elderly retired veteran just finished a piece of artwork he had been working on
and yelled to his wife,
"Honey! Come see what I created!
It's an abstract panorama depicting the 6 years of the Obama Administration!" (9 years of Harper for us Canadians)
She yelled back, "Flush the toilet Herman and come eat your breakfast!"
In GOD we trust
