The Grand adventures of First N'o'nam'egi'ven!

[Thor Damar]

(This is a spin off from the beloved 'Five worlds' thread. First N'o'nam'egi'ven is a bold solider of the Dominion and during the course of his short and eventful life he has seen and done much. He escaped the terrible prison of the legendary 'five worlds' thread and now roams the DS9 forum smiting puns and bad wordplay.

These are tales of this loyal warrior... as written by the Niners themselves!)

Deep in Dominion Space: 2370

Third N'o'nam'egi'ven walked though the corridors of the Jem'Hadar warship in a state of increasing anger. What cliches will I be forced to utter today? mused the young warrior, unaware of the fourth wall and meta-references. "What's a fourth wall?" he asked aloud.

"Don't worry about it" advised the Narrator.

The Jem'Hadar shrugged and proceed onto the bridge. First Terr'able'pun turned and frowned at the younger solider, "report to your station you horrible little being!" The third nodded and walked over to the far left of the bridge and then rerouted the secondary power converters to...

"does this look like Voyager to you? Get back to work you silly boy!"

Third No'nam'eg'ven sighed, it was going to be a long 24 hours...

 

[Vulcan Princess]

He stood at his station and began to work at whatever Jem'Hadar Thirds do, which is something that the writers aren't really sure of yet. After about two hours and forty-seven minutes, he began to be bored.

He turned on his small display screen to indulge in his guilty pleasure - pirated Federation literature. He scrolled through the list of new titles and picked out one that looked interesting. Deep Space Nine Five World Story.

He began to read.

 

[Thor Damar]

A Cardassian in a manly purple hat? WTF (what the founders) is that about? thought the confused Third.

Just then the Vorta Weyoun marched up to No'nam'egi'ven. "When you're done updating the weapons testing reports come with me!" The rather nonplussed Jem'Hadar blinked at this odd order but could do nothing but obey.

"You are not allowed to leave your station, not even for a washroom break so.."

Weyoun gave First Terr'able'pun a 'old fashioned look' but since he already had one there was no effect on the grumpy old warrior.

"I give the orders here, not you First so shut it!" snapped the Vorta.

Oh boy, this is gonna end well thought our hero.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

A SECOND STORY OF OUR HERO

(Sorry to interrupt you, guys, but I had started on this so I'll post it here and your story and mine can alternate. Sorry!)


First N'o'nam'egi'ven and the Ketracel Purple

One day, as the Jem’Hadar of First Squad, First Battalion, First Founders-on-High Infantry Division were preparing for rations, Seventeenth Goolan’talag violated procedure.

“Seventeenth Goolan’talag!” roared Second Dunan’etar, “explain the slight shuffling of your left foot three centimetres to the left and the undisciplined rolling of the eyes ever so slightly to the right! Unless I hear a convincing explanation for this violation of ration-taking procedure at once, you will be punished severely!”

The Jem’Hadar grew ever so slightly excited. “Severely” was Dunan’etar’s third harshest adverb, behind only “terminally” (used only for offenses such as cowardice in battle) and the dreaded “half-heartedly” (which implied that he wasn’t so much angry with you as...disappointed, which could break your hearts, it really could). Goolan’talag, who was only a few months old, stood sharply to attention.

“I meant no disrespect, Second! The only problem is, we know what the rations will consist of”

“Ketracel White?” guessed Fifth Ramil’ilar, who liked these sorts of games.

“Yes, thank you!” said Goolan’talag, causing Ramil’ilar to nod in satisfaction. “All glory to the Founders and all, but it’s all we ever take and to be honest it’s getting a little boring”

The Jem’Hadar considered this.

“I mean, the sheer battle rage we’re expected to demonstrate won’t be powered by White alone, Second. How am I to rip Klingons apart with my teeth when my diet is so lacking in variety? Don’t we have Ketracel of some other colour to try, just for once?”

The Second paused. “We are getting quite predictable”

Goolan’talag nodded, pleased at this support. “Possibly too predictable for our own good, sir. I mean, yesterday, Third Rosen’rekar gave that interview on The Elim Garak Show, and whenever Garak asked him a question he answered it with stock phrases like “victory is life!” and “I am dead!” Even the question about Weyoun’s upcoming election campaign. It was just embarrassing. Garak was smirking the whole way through”.

“I see your point, Seventeenth” said the Second. “I suppose, for the sake of morale, we might try branching out into other forms of mind-controlling drugs”.

“No.”

Everyone fell silent at once. The command had cut through the air like a kar’takin through Rindamilian schoolchildren (that was a fun campaign. Ninth Yolak’itan got a baseball cap). All eyes turned to see the grizzled commander of the unit leaning against a tree. First N'o'nam'egi'ven was his name, and he was like a Founder to his men. Hero of a hundred campaigns, master of the disruptor cannon and quite ruggedly handsome when you saw him up close. All awaited his next words with baited breath.

“Did I ever tell you, men” said N’o’nam’egi’ven, “about my adventure with the Ketracel Purple?”

“No sir” said Goolan’talag nervously, “I’ve never heard of Ketracel Purple”

N’o’nam’egi’ven fixed a stony glare upon him. “I remember it well. ‘Twas back in 58, during my days as a battle commander at German-no IX. Some fool thought it wise to branch out into other drugs there, too. Listen closely men, and I shall tell you.”

“I was in my barracks when the Vorta, Marvin, approached me. Marvin was a particularly smarmy Vorta, with really greasy black hair and he looked weird too. Usually I would have picked him up and stuffed him upside down in the refuse bin and pretended it was drunken Karemma from the tavern if he told on me, but today he had an official data PADD with him, so I couldn’t. I might get the Founder’s official orders dirty. He shared the data with me, and let me tell you I was in for a shock. It turned out that five Jem’Hadar from my unit had been given an experimental drug named Ketracel Purple. The Founders had been having a mid-eternity crisis, and had decided to redecorate the Dominion. While the Karemma painted our ships pink and the Vorta draped colourful wind chimes from the birthing chambers, we were to be moved from dependence on White to dependence on Purple.”

“Purple is a gay colour, sir”

“That’s what I said, but Marvin pointed out that Jem’Hadar don’t have sex drives, so we couldn’t use stupid stereotypes about “homosexual colours” to excuse our new orders. That shut me up. Anyhow, the Founders had soon got a grip on their divine selves again- praise be to them- and realized that the Purple should not in fact be mass-produced as planned. There were terrible side-effects.”

All the Jem’Hadar looked interested. “Were they gross and bloody side effects, First?”

“Gross and bloody like a Rindamilian schoolchild skewed on the end of your sword” confirmed N’o’nam’egi’ven, as Yolak’itan proudly showed his baseball cap to anyone who would watch. “Idiotically, due to a mix-up at the Order Distribution Complex when Weyoun Three fell into the post-it-note generator, Marvin had already given five Jem’Hadar the Purple before he had received the orders to cancel the experiment. Now it was only a matter of time before five of my best men became insane, undisciplined bloody freaks out to kill us all and say bad things about the Founders”.

To be continued...

 

[Thor Damar]

Part the second...

N’o’nam’egi’ven stood heroically in the harsh sunlight, his proud and noble demeanour representing the height of all Jem’Hadar excellence and true...

“Sir why did you stop telling the story of the rogue Jem’Hadar whom had taken the Purple and proceed to take the piss out of our glorious gods?”

The First sought out the worthless solider who dared to interrupt his brooding.
“Which one of you genetically engineered Muppets said that!” he asked glaring at the battalion, murder in his eyes.

“Tis I Twentieth B’oody’f’ool,I wish to find out just how our glorious leader deal with these foul and unpardonable beings who seek to undermine our proud freedoms as Jem’Hadar . Did you offer them a means of returning to the fold or did you brutally kill them in a manner befitting a great warrior of the Dominion?”

Silence fell across the whole camp. First N’o’nam’egi’ven stalked over to the insolent solider shoving aside the rest of the battalion in much fury. He looked into the eyes of the arrogant young man.

“Two questions for you, firstly and most importantly who the hell do you think you are to talk to me in that fashion? And secondly who by the goo of the Founders gave you that stupid bloody name?”

Goolan’talag raised his left arm in warning thus breaking the tension somewhat (so only the mild threat of disembowelment hung in the air).

“Yo, Vorta on our six dudes!”

The First buried his head in his hands. How can I lead these misfits and morons into victor? They sound like a badly written fanfiction. I must do something drastic if this battalion is to mean anything
He drew his sidarm and shot several random Jem’Hadar with blinding speed. The whole camp erupted into thunderous applause at this mood breaker and settled down to peaceful order.

“I will now tell you the horrible story of the Ketracel purple in which I personally saved the whole galaxy from an army of...”

The Vorta stepped up to the front and interrupted the First. “Not yet N’o’nam’egi’ven I have an important announcement to make to you all.”

And on that cliffhanger we leave you...until part three of our exciting tale!

 

[Deranged Nasat]

A cliffhanger! Unexpected...

I like the idea that he stops to pose dramatically before continuing the story. His unit need to learn more respect though. You don't interrupt the First when he's pausing to pose dramatically!

The Vorta wants to interrupt now? Deary me, he doesn't learn, evidently.

"By the goo of the Founders" . Excellent!

 

[apenpaap]

A Cardassian in a manly purple hat? WTF (what the founders) is that about? thought the confused Third.

Just then the Vorta Weyoun marched up to No'nam'egi'ven. "When you're done updating the weapons testing reports come with me!" The rather nonplussed Jem'Hadar blinked at this odd order but could do nothing but obey.

"You are not allowed to leave your station, not even for a washroom break so.."

Weyoun gave First Terr'able'pun a 'old fashioned look' but since he already had one there was no effect on the grumpy old warrior.

"I give the orders here, not you First so shut it!" snapped the Vorta.

Oh boy, this is gonna end well thought our hero.

"The story of how First N'o'nam'egi'ven became Third" Episode Four: "Things happen"

Third N'o'nam'egi'ven followed the smug Vorta to his ready room, wondering when the glorious, conquering, fantastic, flying, adventurous, and exceedingly glorious Dominion had started ripping off those Starfleet weeklings with names like "ready room". When he entered Weyoun's ready room, he suddenly deeply regretted he, like the new narrator, had only read the first incarnation of the DS9 five world story, not having found the time to read the second incarnation before Weyoun called him away. He knew, however, that the new narrator didn't have such a good excuse, and gave hm a quite nasty look
"Third, who were you giving the Evil Eye, and why did you suddenly change into a Klingon?" Weyoun asked.
"Erm, no one, Lord Vorta." answered.
"Well, now that that's out of the way: I was just contacted by a salesman who claims to be selling previously-owned, but good quality allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters, walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles, pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication, metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation, air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors, tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors, trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers, tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers, soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators, generators and matching salt and pepper shakersfor very low prizes. Why didn't your weapons detect and destroy him?"


Tensions mount between N'o'nam'egi'ven and Weyoun. How will this affect things? Tune in to "The story of how First N'o'nam'egi'ven became Third" next time to find out!

 

[Thor Damar]

^

Although that should be 'how Third N'o'nam'egi'ven became First via the power of the weird'

or something like that...

Now all we need is someone to either carry on part the third of N'o'nam'egi'ven and the Ketracel Purple or Part five of the adventures of Third N'o'nam'egi'ven.

 

[apenpaap]

First N'o'nam'egi'ven was rather rudely interrupted by his soldiers while posing dramatically, and the ensuing discussion (and massacre) took so long that N'o'nam'egi'ven didn't have time to continue his story before being interrupted by the Vorta.
And now the continuation...

"First N'o'nam'egi'ven and the Ketracel Purple" Episode three: "The Vorta's announcement"

All Jem'Hadar heads turned towards UnWeyoun, the Vorta, who wanted to make an announcement. UnWeyoun tried posing dramatically, but due to his general similarity with a puppy who's been eating plates of nacho sauce and vinegar this evoked more laughter then awe. First N'o'nam'egi'ven could see on Twentieth B’oody’f’ool he was going to interrupt the Vorta like the insolent soldier had already interrupted him, but since he didn't want the Twentieth to slow this story down even more, he shot him. Unfortunatly, he had put his WeaponTheJem'HadarUse on the highest setting, and after evaporating the Twentieth, the shot hit the wall, ricocheted back, and hit UnWeyoun's leg. When the Vorta came back from sickbay, his leg had been replaced with a pegleg.
"And now, my announcement:" UnWeyoun said.
"The Perfect, True And Living, Self Existing, Self Sufficient, Triune, Benevolent, Agape, Holy, Wise, Sovereign, Eternal, Immortal, Immutable, Omnipresent, Omnipotent. Omniscient, Omnificent, Merciful, Just, Faithful, Good, Gracious, and exceedingly Glorious Founders have negotiated a pact with the mighty Pakled Empire to join us in the Dominion War. With the Breen and the Pakleds on our side, we will surely win this war and-"
Nineteenth St'upid'lif interrupted the Vorta: "But Lord Vorta! Aren't the Cardassians our allies too?"
UnWeyoun foamed at the mouth. " Bloody gray-skinned scum! I hate them! I hate them! RAAAAAAGH! KILLKILLKILLKILL!"
What effect will the Pakleds joining the war have on the Dominion's national dept? Why doesn't UnWeyoun like the Cardassians? Tune in to "First N'o'nam'egi'ven and the Ketracel Purple" next week to find out!

 

[Deranged Nasat]

^ Tremble before the might of the Pakleds!

Great, apenpaap!

 

[Thor Damar]

First N'o'nam'ei'ven and the Kentrcel Purple: part the forth.

"My most august dead lord and chief of all the bureaucrats, may I ask you just why you hate the proud noble and most intelligent Cardassian people?" asked Sixth Du'ran'Duran.

UnWeyoun turned on the heel of his pegleg.

"Arrgh, who be daring to question their captain, mates? This be a rum state of affairs me hearties! avast!"

First N'o'nam'ei'ven was forced to drop Heroic pose no#4 and stared aghast at the scene before him. Great, another mad clone to deal with by the goo of the most Glorious Founders! he though with much vexed justification.

"I meant no disrespect I was merely asking a... question" the Sixth said.

I've heard that somewhere before both UnWeyoun and First N'o'nam'egi'ven at exactly the same time.

The Pirate Vorta nodded in acceptance.

"Very well ye landlubbers gather round and I shall tell thee the tale of my hate for the most vile of beings, the wicked Cardassians of Cardassia!"

Great, another bloody cliffhanger thought everyone including a certain Cardassian waiting off stage twirling a Purple hat...

 

[apenpaap]

While UnWeyoun slowly turns into Long John Silver, Sixth Du'ran'Duran angers him, and UnWeyoun/John begins telling the story of why he hates Cardassians. Meanwhile, a mysterious Cardassian wearing a purple hat is still offstage.
And now the continuation...

"First N'o'nam'egi'ven and the Ketracel Purple" Episode five: "The Story Gets Silly"
"ARR, me shibbering mateys! Now I shall be tellin' ye the story of why I hates Cardassians." UnWeyoun spoke.
Nineteenth St'upid'lif said "Yes, you already said that. Will you get on with it?"
UnWeyoun took out a weapon that looked like the sort of pistol humans had used to kill each other 7 centuries back. How did UnWeyoun get that, and how come I know so much about Earth history? First N'o'nam'egi'ven wondered. While he was thinking it, UnWeyoun shot the Nineteenth between the eyes. However, the backside of Jem'Hadar skulls (Especially with thickheads like the Nineteenth) is very hard, and after making a mess of the Nineteenth's brain, the bullet bounced back and hit UnWeyoun in the eye.
"ARRRR!!!! ME EYE!!!!" UnWeyoun screamed, while the medic quickly gave him an eyepatch. Uh oh, First N'o'nam'egi'ven thought, now he's using four exclamation marks in a row, he must be going mad.
"Anyway," the Vorta spoke, "I was tellin'ye landlubbers why I hates yonder Cardassians." (First N'o'nam'egi'ven quickly gave Eighteenth Ub'ern'oob a stare to prevent him from interrupting the Vorta) "It all started when I was teaching Latvian on Cardassia. One night I was walking on the streets when I saw a-"
A Cardassian wearing a purple (but manly) hat suddenly burst into the room, pointing a phaser set on kill to each of their heads. "First N'o'nam'egi'ven, I've been waiting a long time for this..." he said in a dangerous voice.
"Well, could you wait a bit longer? This guy is telling a story." N'o'nam'egi'ven said back.
Who is the mysterious Cardassian? What happened to UnWeyoun? How long will this silly story be allowed to continue? Tune in to "First N'o'nam'egi'ven and the Ketracel Purple" next time to find the answers to these questions, and more...