...courtesy of my little brother! 
Every time a family member has a birthday, my brother is fond of writing humorous little essays about...well, all sorts of different silly things! And on my last birthday, which was several months ago, my brother wrote me an essay in which he trashed the movie Head! You remember Head, right? The 1968 movie with the Monkees as directed by Bob Rafelson (and co-scripted by none other than Jack Nicholson)?
A couple years back, I brought the movie Head to my parents' place (where he was still living at the time) and we watched it together. And I think part of him has never forgiven me ever since!
In no uncertain terms, here's what my youngest brother had to say about the Monkees' movie Head!:
OH "HEAD," HOW I HATE THEE!!
You know...I owe a lot to you. If it weren't for you, I don't think I would be as knowledgeable about movies as I am now. Hell, you've introduced me to Return Of The Living Dead, which is awesome, and it beats the crap out of flicks like 28 Days Later. However, there is a particular movie that you've shown me that...traumatized me. It is a film that darkened my soul, it made my thoughts darker, it makes children in third-world countries thankful that they don't have access to TV and electricity, it can turn happy shiny people into emo kids who listen to Linkin Park, and Hell, it's probably the reason for Global Warming!
What movie is this, you ask? Well, seeing as how it's part of the title, I would certainly hope that you know what I'm talking about.
Never in my life have I seen a movie as pretentious, tedious and dull as that movie. And this is from someone who is pretty lax when it comes to movies. What's insulting is that the Monkees wanted to do something that would break away from that squeaky-clean image that their TV show brought. However, instead of doing something that had substance, one of them went "I can't create anything meaningful!"
MONKEE #2: Now don't say that! We'll make something that's relevant and interesting.
MONKEE #3: I got jimmies.
*The band stares at #3, dumbfounded*
MONKEE #2: What the hell does that have anything to do with this?!
MONKEE #3: It goes good with ice cream!
MONKEE #2: Ice cream does not bring about brilliance! It's a corporate product designed to bring false happiness! They make them by stealing the milk from cows! The suicide rate of cows has increased significantly!!
MONKEE #3: B-but...
MONKEE #2: No! Go to your room and think about what you've said.
*MONKEE #3 goes to his room hanging his head*
MONKEE #4: I've got it!
MONKEE #2: What?
MONKEE #4: Weed! It's a magical herb that is said to turn murderers and rapists into kind-hearted people and can grant talent to the talentless!
MONKEE #2: ZOMG RLY!?! Let's toke up, guys!
Toking up and a script later, an abomination was let loose upon the world!
See, the thing about Head is that it tries so desperately hard to be artistic and bizarre, but it never works out. It throws in random scenes that deal with corporatism, war, and a bunch of other crap, but it's just thrown in there and is about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face. Even the really weird scenes don't come off as either funny or entertaining. It's just trying it's hardest to be artistic, but it comes off as pretentious.
Now [my second-youngest brother] would say, "You should see it on drugs, then it will be the best movie ever!" I will refuse his call because:
1) Taking drugs to watch movies is not interesting, since it tries to disguise the movie to be better than it actually is.
2) His favorite movie is Top Gun. That's telling you something!
You wanna know how bad this movie is? This was originally going to be accompanied by a comic strip, but the artists got a cramp in his arm after he got done writing the word "Head," thus crippling his ability to draw. Come to think of it, I'm surprised that the computer I wrote this on didn't spontaneously combust while speaking about the movie!
And so, in conclusion...oh wait, I forgot, this is supposed to be a birthday card.
.
...
Um...
Well, that's your present. A classy review from me about a movie. Hopefully the review will inspire you to wear a top hat, drink chardonnay, wear a monocle and go "I say, old bean!" in a fancy British accent before you tell me why you disagree!
Happy Birthday, from [my youngest brother]
P.S. I still cry myself to sleep at night thanks to that damn movie!
Every time a family member has a birthday, my brother is fond of writing humorous little essays about...well, all sorts of different silly things! And on my last birthday, which was several months ago, my brother wrote me an essay in which he trashed the movie Head! You remember Head, right? The 1968 movie with the Monkees as directed by Bob Rafelson (and co-scripted by none other than Jack Nicholson)?
A couple years back, I brought the movie Head to my parents' place (where he was still living at the time) and we watched it together. And I think part of him has never forgiven me ever since!
In no uncertain terms, here's what my youngest brother had to say about the Monkees' movie Head!:
OH "HEAD," HOW I HATE THEE!!
You know...I owe a lot to you. If it weren't for you, I don't think I would be as knowledgeable about movies as I am now. Hell, you've introduced me to Return Of The Living Dead, which is awesome, and it beats the crap out of flicks like 28 Days Later. However, there is a particular movie that you've shown me that...traumatized me. It is a film that darkened my soul, it made my thoughts darker, it makes children in third-world countries thankful that they don't have access to TV and electricity, it can turn happy shiny people into emo kids who listen to Linkin Park, and Hell, it's probably the reason for Global Warming!
What movie is this, you ask? Well, seeing as how it's part of the title, I would certainly hope that you know what I'm talking about.
Never in my life have I seen a movie as pretentious, tedious and dull as that movie. And this is from someone who is pretty lax when it comes to movies. What's insulting is that the Monkees wanted to do something that would break away from that squeaky-clean image that their TV show brought. However, instead of doing something that had substance, one of them went "I can't create anything meaningful!"
MONKEE #2: Now don't say that! We'll make something that's relevant and interesting.
MONKEE #3: I got jimmies.
*The band stares at #3, dumbfounded*
MONKEE #2: What the hell does that have anything to do with this?!
MONKEE #3: It goes good with ice cream!
MONKEE #2: Ice cream does not bring about brilliance! It's a corporate product designed to bring false happiness! They make them by stealing the milk from cows! The suicide rate of cows has increased significantly!!
MONKEE #3: B-but...
MONKEE #2: No! Go to your room and think about what you've said.
*MONKEE #3 goes to his room hanging his head*
MONKEE #4: I've got it!
MONKEE #2: What?
MONKEE #4: Weed! It's a magical herb that is said to turn murderers and rapists into kind-hearted people and can grant talent to the talentless!
MONKEE #2: ZOMG RLY!?! Let's toke up, guys!
Toking up and a script later, an abomination was let loose upon the world!
See, the thing about Head is that it tries so desperately hard to be artistic and bizarre, but it never works out. It throws in random scenes that deal with corporatism, war, and a bunch of other crap, but it's just thrown in there and is about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face. Even the really weird scenes don't come off as either funny or entertaining. It's just trying it's hardest to be artistic, but it comes off as pretentious.
Now [my second-youngest brother] would say, "You should see it on drugs, then it will be the best movie ever!" I will refuse his call because:
1) Taking drugs to watch movies is not interesting, since it tries to disguise the movie to be better than it actually is.
2) His favorite movie is Top Gun. That's telling you something!
You wanna know how bad this movie is? This was originally going to be accompanied by a comic strip, but the artists got a cramp in his arm after he got done writing the word "Head," thus crippling his ability to draw. Come to think of it, I'm surprised that the computer I wrote this on didn't spontaneously combust while speaking about the movie!
And so, in conclusion...oh wait, I forgot, this is supposed to be a birthday card.
.
...
Um...
Well, that's your present. A classy review from me about a movie. Hopefully the review will inspire you to wear a top hat, drink chardonnay, wear a monocle and go "I say, old bean!" in a fancy British accent before you tell me why you disagree!
Happy Birthday, from [my youngest brother]
P.S. I still cry myself to sleep at night thanks to that damn movie!
