Terminator: A Luv Story.

[Guy Gardener]

Part One.



A ball cut space and pooped a naked man.



The uncelebrated inventor of time travel took in the air.



It was dirty.



Hardly painless.



Shredded into an unimaginable number of wafered atoms does hurt.



That’s why he drank first.



More than recommended.



This is 1972.



50 years ago.



Brian had to catch a rat poisoned dog that had maybe ten minutes to live.



There were tools inside the dog.



Up its bum.



A weapon.



Money, well diamonds.



And a notebook full of History.



Future History.



An idiots guide to Utopia.



Save Nixon, save the world.


Dog?

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part Two.



Warren Harding’s White House Sex Dungeon is full of toy trains.



And Brian handcuffed to a wall.



They want to know about his microwave pistol.



Called it a “Flash Gordon” Ray Gun.



Then kicked his balls.



Brian should only talk to Nixon.



But he’s not a brave man.



He broke very quickly.



So did his femur.



Watergate is coming.



I’m here to help.



Please stop hitting me.



Ow.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part 3.



Microwave bombs cooked Charlie, and built the 51st State.



LBJ needed a bigger gun to put the other commies to bed.



It is sad how little more torture was required to eek time travel out of Brian.



A carrier caught a live whale, dragging it back to San Fran by the tail.



Brian, LBJ, Werner Von Braun, and some marines, cuddled 50 nuclear devices inside a whale named Poppy.



The plan was simple.



Say "Hello" to 1944.



Nuke China.



Nuke Russia



Try to look innocent, and then blame Adolf Hitler.



Fool proof.

 

[USS Triumphant]

I'm enjoying this. But also, have you read "The Illuminatus! Trilogy"? I feel like you either have, or you should.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Part Four.



After the girls and drugs, Stalin introduces Brian to Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin’s gangrened pealing-patchy 40 years dying face, rotting free from two demonic burning red like coal eyeballs which had to murder.



“Many big men died, before I dropped a house on it Brian” Stalin grumbled. “This one is broken, but if you can understand the magic, I want a new tinman, or a dozen, but Loyal, and this time, the world is mine.”



Less than a month of slapping vs. spitting later, Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin finally recognized Brian as a man out of time and put forward a case for their mutual survival, and a death of this ill-fitting timeline.



Something meticulously clever was planned, but Joey dies of natural causes first, without telling anyone in the Politic Bureau that Brian is three steps away from declaring Earth Soviet, which sets the ball rolling on many bad things.



The remainding mechanical future genius that is Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin is paired in half by Brian, and then secreted inside the chests of John F. Kennedy and Princess Elizabeth of Britain, who marry to re-assimilate America as a British Territory, and transform half of (still British) India into a space steeple, so that anyone, or anything can walk to low orbit, and (a copy of) Skynet(’s software) can live in total security on the Moon free from the ####ing monkeys always trying to kill it.



All is Good.