Tell me a good joke...

[Kirby]

The world's worst movie.
Two movie producers are having lunch and talking about their recent projects:

Producer 1 - We start shooting my new movie in a few weeks. Eastwood is directing.

Producer 2 - Clint Eastwood is directing your movie?

Producer 1 - No, Carl Eastwood is directing. He's his 2nd cousin. He's done some direct to DVD stuff.

Producer 2 - Who's your writer?

Producer 1 - Mammet.

Producer 2 - David Mammet wrote your movie? Wow!

Producer 1 - No, Ron Mammet. He wrote cable access shows in Boise Idaho.

Producer 2 - Oh. Who's your star?

Producer 1 - Guttenberg.

Producer 2 - Steve Guttenberg?

Producer 1 - Yeah...

 

[ManOnTheWave]

A woman in a fur coat is walking down the street. A protester comes up to her and says, "Do you know how many animals died to make that coat?"

She replies, "No. Do you know how many animals I had to f___ to get it?"

 

[Adm_Hawthorne]

Three guys are waiting at the Pearly Gates. Each of them walks up to St. Peter who asks them to answer the same question, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”

The first guy says, “Never! I would never do such a thing!”
Peter checks the books, nods his approval, and gives the guy an expensive sports car to drive around in Heaven.

The second guy says, “Once, but I regret it. I told her about it, and our marriage became stronger than ever.”
Peter checks the books, shakes his head, and says, “You are telling the truth.” He gives the guy a low end sedan to drive around in Heaven.

The last guy looks very nervous. As he answers, he starts to sweat a little. “In truth, I cannot remember the amount of times I cheated on my wife. I think the number is 15.”
Peter checks the books. “You are correct.” With a look of severe disapproval, Peter gives the guy a Ford Pinto to drive around in Heaven.

The guys eventually meet up. The first two begin to talk excitedly about all the wonders in Heaven, but they quickly notice the third guy is really down. They ask him why.

“Well,” he replies with some hesitation, “I just saw my wife. She was riding a bicycle.”

 

[gturner]

A salesman is driving down a country road in East Tennessee when he notices a chicken running along beside his car. He looks at his speedometer and sees he's going 20 mph.

He thinks, "Wow. That's a pretty fast chicken." So he speeds up to 30 mph, looks over, and the chicken is still keeping up with him. He speeds up to 45 mph and watches in amazement as the chicken passes his him. So he starts following the chicken, reaching speeds of up to 60 mph, dangerous on a country road. As he's staring at the running chicken, he's amazed to notice that it seems to have three legs, not two.

Suddenly the chicken slowed and headed up a dirt side road, so the salesman slowed down and followed. After a few turns the dirt road came out on a farm. The salesman pulled his car up to the house where the family was sitting in rocking chairs on the porch.

The salesman stuck his head out the window and exclaimed, "You won't believe what I just seen, a chicken running at 60 miles an hour!"

The farmer said, "Is that so?"

"Yep!" the salesman said, then added, "... and it had three legs!"

The farmer said, "Yep. If you look around you'll see that all we raise is them thar three legged chickens."

The salesman looked around the barnyard and sure enough, three legged chickens were shooting around all over the place. He said, "Well this is simply amazing. How'd you come to raise these three-legged chickens?"

The farmer said, "Well, when it was just me and the missus" he nodded to his wife in the rocking chair beside him, "things were just fine, 'cause I only like chicken legs and she only likes chicken legs. But then we had little junior there," he pointed a finger at the small boy rocking beside his wife, " and of course he only likes legs, too. So we bred up these three-legged chickens so we could each have a leg."

The salesman said, "Huh. Well that's incredible. So how do they taste?"

The farmer replied, "Don't rightly know. Never caught one."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

A minister is interviewing three couples - one young, one middle-aged, one elderly - for prospective admission into his church. He tells them that they have to abstain from sex for a period of two weeks.

After the two weeks go by, he calls them all into his office again and asks them how it went.

The elderly couple tell him that they had no problem going without sex for two weeks.

The middle-aged couple say that the first week was a problem but then they decided to move to separate beds and then they got through the last week.

The young husband says: "Well, reverend, I thought we would get through the whole time, but on the last day my wife was reaching up to get a light bulb off the top shelf. Then it fell on the floor and broke and my wife bent over to clean it up and...well I couldn't contain myself any longer and we made love right there on the floor."

The minister says that the young couple isn't welcome in his church and tells them to leave.

"That's okay, reverend," the young wife says. "I don't think we'll be welcome in that Home Depot either."

 

[K'Ehleyr]

A sweet little girl goes into a pet shop and approaches the desk. The kindly owner looks down on her. "What can I do for you young lady?" He says.
She stands on her tippy toes, leans or the desk and asks "Do you sell bunny wabbits?"
"We certainly do ~ we have sleek, black bunny wabbits. Long haired, furry, white bunny wabbits and bunny wabbits with really long ears. What kind of bunny wabbit were you looking for sweetheart?" He smiled down at her.
"Well", she said twisting her plaits, "I don't think my python really gives a f*** what it looks like".

 

[Vulcan Princess]

I have two philosophy jokes. These were popular around the department when I was in college.

1. One day, Rene Descartes was sitting in a bar. He had just finished his beer, and he sighed. The bartender came along and said, "Do you want another?" Descartes responded, "I think not." Then he disappeared.

2. Did you hear George Berkeley died? His girlfriend stopped seeing him.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

^ I don't get that last one...

A bartender, named Dick, has many regular customers in his bar, one of which is a doctor. About the same time every day the doctor will order an almond daiquiri, which Dick will always have ready for him.

So one day Dick finds out that he's run out of almonds. He doesn't want to disappoint a loyal customer, but he still can't make the drink, so he's confused. He looks around and finds a hickory nut, figures it's better than nothing, and makes a drink out of that.

The doctor walks in and takes a swig out of the resulting drink. He says:

"Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"

to which the barman replies,

"No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

There is a three car pile up on the highway that kills all three drivers who just happen to be Brad Pitt, Colin Farrell, and RJDiogenes. They all wind up on the same bench in hell. As they sit there nervously awaiting their fate, a door materializes in front of them and a voice commands Brad Pitt to enter. He gets up and enters the door and once inside lets out a loud scream. RJDiogenes being a curious guy goes to the door and peeks in through the keyhole. Inside he sees laying on a bed naked is an absolutely hideous looking woman. He hears a voice inside the room say:

"Brad Pitt! All of your earthly life you had access to the most beautiful women in the world. Now as your punishment you will spend eternity with the most hideous women in creation"

RJDiogenes runs back to the bench and tells Colin Farrell what he saw and they both get even more nervous. Another door materializes in front of them and a voice commands Colin Farrell to enter. Colin goes inside and once he is inside RJDiogenes hears this terrible scream. he gets up and runs to the door and looks in through the keyhole. There he sees laying on a bed naked is an even more hideous looking woman. From inside the room a voice says:

"Colin Farrell! All of your earthly life you had access to the most beautiful women in the world. Now as your punishment you will spend eternity with the most hideous women in creation"

RJDiogenes runs back to the bench and he is absolutely terrified now. As he sits there shaking another door materializes in front of him and a voice commands him to go in. He nervously shuffles to the door, opens it up and goes in. Once he is inside he sees a bed and on it laying there stretched out naked is Scarlett Johansson. Then a voice calls out

"Scarlett Johansson!"



P.S. You see the funny thing about this joke is you can put any guys name in. RJ got tapped because that's what he gets for moderating the Miscellaneous forum.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I was going to enter ten of my jokes like this in a contest to see if any of them won, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

2. Did you hear George Berkeley died? His girlfriend stopped seeing him.

^ I don't get that last one...

George Berkeley was an eighteenth century Irish philosopher who was known for advocating a very extreme form of Idealism, the theory that the real world is basely ultimately on the mind. He believed that objects literally didn't exist unless they are being perceived by someone.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

^ ah, sort of like the Man in the Shack from HHGTTG?

 

[gturner]

^ No, it's just the odd coinicidence that advanced philosophers and drug-addled high-school drop outs invariably advance the same wacky ideas.

 

[RJDiogenes]

P.S. You see the funny thing about this joke is you can put any guys name in. RJ got tapped because that's what he gets for moderating the Miscellaneous forum.

I thought it was because I voted against Scarlet in the Genre Babe Contest.

 

[Nardpuncher]

What's Mary short for?



She ain't got no legs.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

In Heaven: The English are the cops, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers, and everything is organized by the Germans.

In Hell: The French are the cops, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the lovers, and everything is organized by the Italians.

 

[ManOnTheWave]

Three Japanese business men are flying on an airplane when it tragically crashes. All three awake at the gates of Heaven where they are greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter: I am going to ask each of you a question. Your answer will determine whether or not you are allowed into Heaven. Mr Saito, how do you spell 'love?'

Mr Saito: L-O-V-E.

St. Peter: Very good. Love is in your heart and you enter the gates of eternal bliss. Mr. Nakamura, what is Christmas?

Mr. Nakamura: Christmas is a Winter festival. It celebrates the birth of Jesus.

St. Peter: Very good, Mr. Nakamura. Christ is your saviour, you will be his guest forever in Heaven. Mr. Hokugai, what is Easter?

Mr. Hokugai: Ah, I know this one. Easter is when Jesus is crucified. He is then entombed in a cave sealed at its mouth by a boulder. On the third day, Jesus rises from his slumber and emerges from his tomb. Now, if Jesus sees his shadow....

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

On a cruise ship, a magician has a regular gig. Everyone loves his act, including the captain, who goes to the show every night. Unfortunately, the captain has a pet parrot, who is constantly fighting with the magician since the parrot understands the show and can speak English, thus giving everything away ("He's got it in his sleeve!", "It's in his hat!", etc.). So this keeps going on and on until one day the magician can't take it anymore - he pulls out a gun and shoots the bird.

The bullet misses the bird, hits a propane tank, and causes an explosion which blows the ship to bits. The only survivors are the magician and the bird, each clinging to a piece of wood floating in the ocean.

So the bird turns to the magician and says:

"All right, I give up, where's the damn ship?"

 

[Adm_Hawthorne]

A police officer watches as a car load of older ladies flies past him at 80 miles an hour.

So, he flips on his lights and pulls them over.

The woman driving rolls down the window to hand the officer the normal paperwork, but she looks very confused.

The police officer leans over to look at the passengers, and he can tell they are visibly shaken. One of the woman is crying, one of the women looks to be holding prayer beads, and the third has her eyes closed.

Finally, he looks back at the driver and asks, "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No, Officer, I don't."

"I clocked you going 80 back there."

"But, that's what the speed limit sign said," she replies with some anger.

He thinks about for a moment, and then starts to laugh.

"No, ma'am, that would be the sign marking the highway number."

"Oh dear," she replies, "that would explain why those others cars were going so slowly back on what I guess was highway 120."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

A man hears his doorbell ring one morning. He opens the door and finds a snail on the porch. So the man picks up the snail and throws it into the distance as far as he can.

Three years later, the doorbell rings again, and it's the same snail.

"What the hell was that all about?" it says.