We won't live in a more racially tolerant, better world until a white guy can call an african-american a negro, and no one cares.
That's not exactly tolerance or racial justice, however; it's more like tolerating usage rather than people. What you're essentially saying is that the convenience of words is more important than their impact; you're also saying that Black people should just take it from non-Blacks and be fine with it. But labels -- and indeed discriminatory slurs in general -- have impact because words are how we frame reference and reality (and this is any label. This is also why things like branding and phrasing are so important in language). Words indeed have power to them; not just the power that is given to them, but the power that's transmitted as well. Words are how we understand each other.
Rather, my question is, why even use that word at all? And if you need to use the word, are you using it in the correct historical context? If you use the word and no one cares, does anyone pay attention then? People had been using the word negro for centuries for the explicit purpose of putting down black people on at least four continents, and it's still being used for that purpose (particularly at a time when black people are disportionately placed into mass incarceration or suffer from job cuts, when paradoxically crime is going down and the job market is stabilizing). Words have specific intent, and using a label that's been used historically to put them down will indeed receive pushback. And labels are fundamentally different than acknowledging (or not) the color of one's skin.
So the focus really shouldn't be, "Why can't I use this word?" because it assumes all things are equal, when they're not. Institutional and ingrained racism to this day seeps in so deeply that sometimes we're not aware that we're being oppressive -- which, I suspect, is what happened to Patrick Stewart, despite his non-offensive intentions. Also, the bevy of racist frat parties that have made the news lately is just so full of more blatant racism when those students claim innocence. The focus really should be, "How can I help ensure that my neighbors benefit from the same privileges that I do?" And on the same token, I suspect that that latter question is what helped make the incident become a teachable moment for Stewart and made it clear that there was no harm intended for Burton or Dorn (which is, of course, only one reason why they're strong friends after almost 30 years). That's a working relationship that turned into a healthy personal one.
To wit, since Benedict Cumberbatch was brought up, what he said was regrettable, but he straight up acknowledged it. The reason why no one is going after him like Mel Gibson or Tim Allen is because he owned up to it properly and learned from it. He said it out of ignorance, not malice, but basically said, "I didn't know, so teach me." And again, that sounds like Stewart's reaction all those years ago. We all make mistakes, but part of the process is how we react to those mistakes. Defending them or trying to prove something with mental gymnastics is definitely not the way to go.
Lastly, the thing about how saying color doesn't matter doesn't quite hold up; whenever a minority wakes up and looks in the mirror, the first thing they'll see is color. And that's true for anyone. The problem is, we've been ingrained for years to think that that's a bad thing, that uniformity leads to tolerance. Rather, diversity, not uniformity, leads to normalization and acceptance. Difference should be celebrated, not ignored; that's the spice of life, and that's part of people's identities -- yes, a white male acknowledging himself as such is not in itself a bad thing, if he stands in solidarity with his minority friends, family, and neighbors; it's also acknowledging how society treats you vs. them (I think Louis C.K. speaks about this excellently). But while race is made up, racism is very real and very much in effect. Indeed, the concept of race was invented precisely to enforce the hierarchy of slavers over slaves for thousands of years. And because of the effects of racism, now demographics are needed to disaggregate information to find solutions to racism (i.e. what works against anti-black racism does not necessarily work for anti-Latino or anti-Asian racism. There is no end-all/be-all solution, because racism is complex and often transmitted by words, and so its solutions will likewise be complex and require discussion. If the solution was simple, racism would have died out by now.).
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