Starting the L Word (for the first time)

[Guy Gardener]

Dana is too sick to ####, but I saw Dana and Alice kissing, and Alice is the primary nurse/friend. If they put into words what they were to each other at this point it would be "partners". Helena is only friends with Alice because that astrologist told her to do it. That's like being court-mandated by the universe, Helena didn't have a choice. Everyone else is just a leach that fell into place from there, and then they all forgot how ridiculous their friendships were and just enjoyed Helena buying a round of drinks now and then. (Obviously there's bonding off camera that we don't see that justifies the friendship Helena has individually with each of these women, or there isn't.)

Yes, adoption is lengthy. I actually got into trouble with this a while back. I didn't tell a pregnant friend that another friend was cheating on them, everyone knew, no one said anything, but she didn't find out till after the baby was born, which gave the boyfriend a lot more parental rights than if he has been the asshole that she had kicked to the curb when she was 6 months pregnant.

Tina is too busy wishing that the child needs two parents and that Bette is the real mother of the child, even though she's only the mother at the moment because Tina says so. Tina can't see a world where Bette is a shit to her every weekend screaming abut custody, or where Bette sues for full custody and wins, which is what happened on Greys Anatomy last year, the adopted lesbian parent was seen as a superior mother than the birth mother, and the birth mother was told that she could suck it.

I wouldn't stop making love to Jennifer until we both died of thirst, but Bette is a monster I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot barge pole. Run Tina, run!

 

[Sparkle Fabulosa]

Alice and Helena became friends before the astrologist read Helena's cards. It was after that Helena thought she'd get involved with Alice.

My problem with Bette is that she is a complete snob, she never takes responsibility for her actions, and always thinks her way is the right way.

She isn't a horrible person but I don't understand how Tina lasted eight years without going crazy. But then again, Tina took her back after the affair so she might have very well gone insane.

Whether they are friends or lovers, there will always be love between Alice and Dana.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Snob is another word for bigot, so yeah, she's only bigoted against any one that dares disagree with her, so the shoe fits, and Bette is definitely her father's daughter and her nephews aunt.

Tina was a TV producer (??) before the Baby, which would have been tens of millions of dollars a year, and no homelife. They might have only ever had happy good times (4 hours a week where they were in each others company awake and not ####ing) before the series started. I still don't understand how Bette is thunk to earn more money as a panhandler at a small museum!

Helena was brought in to be the bitch, which is why I don't believe her whenever she is nice. Obviously the writers gave up on Helena being the baddie, and she is nice now, it's just been such a quick turn around for me (I can see season 4 on the horizon) that I don't completely trust Ms Peabody.

Because of her mother, her very American mother, are you wondering if the British accent is fake?

If Helena was born and raised in California, she's a bigger flake than Alice.

 

[Sparkle Fabulosa]

Nope. I know Rachel Shelley is British but I was unaware that Holland Taylor is American until a few months ago.

Alice is not a flake! Take that back.

 

[Guy Gardener]

ALICE THINKS VAMPIRES ARE REAL AND THAT SHE HAS BEEN TURNED!

 

[Sparkle Fabulosa]

She has an over-active imagination, and is adorable.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Would you allow yourself, hypothetically to, become in love with me, if I was emphatic that the Smurfs are real, and the animated series was without any doubt or fear a student film documentary that has been winning awards for the last 400 years?

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[Sparkle Fabulosa]

You believing in the Smurfs is not an issue. Showing me that video is an issue. That was really messed up.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Yes you broke my code, I wasn't using a metaphor at all, it is I who believes that Smurfs are real!

Curses!

Foiled!

Unmasked!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMoving along.

Dana and Max talking about their fight against death.

Dana is fighting god and can't win.

Max is fighting to get $7,500 and throwing a party to get it.

Sorry Max, you are on a valuable mission to find yourself, but you are an asshole to compete with cancer.

 

[Sparkle Fabulosa]

It was nice of him to talk Dana into staying at the basketball game instead of making a run for it though.

 

[Guy Gardener]

These idiots believe in symbolic magic, that collective well wishes of human beings in a crowd can transpsychically generate and add power to you... Like how clapping brings fairies back to life and... What a wanker. Clapping doesn't beat cancer. Yes, the ego boost was good for Dana, but that throng happens to Dana any time she goes anywhere, especially after she's just won a major competition, I'm not saying that she should be jaded, just that she shouldn't be "surprised".

Even though Pro Tennis isn't a real sport.

High speed murderball played by mutants.

Any time you think a game is fun, someone better than you, by a ridiculous factor shows up and takes all the fun out of it.

This is why I laugh when people say that Superman is a symbol of hope.

Art imitates life.

Laura is telling Dana in episode s03e09 that they have "ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD" to get back together again as girlfriends... And Dana (I paused it right here) is welling up the bluntest stink eye attack ever, preparing to say something like "I don't have all the time in the world you ingrown twot! I have 3 more episodes!"



####!

The credits started.

Is Dana just going to wait it out, choosing to die before mentioning to Laura that she would rather die than return to their doomed stupid relationship because Alices kisses are better?

What a punk.

Seriously?

Jenny just called Max's fund-raiser a "Pity Party" which a phrase you seem fussy about yourself.

 

[Guy Gardener]

The friendly daddy in the pool who Tina is dripping after... he was the co-lead in that comedy you said was too archaic and #### to experiment with.

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Tina shouldn't trust herself to pick her own lovers.

It all ends so badly, every time.

(edit)

Okay that was hot, against the door like that.

How long ago since Laurel Hollerman gave birth? I'm still carrying around doughnuts I ate a year ago, and she manages to pretend so well to have the torso of an 18 year old, just months after giving birth. Although it was almost funny how it seemed like Tina forgot how to handle a penis with care.

Poor Helena getting grifted. Still dislike the character, but shit. Poor lady is matching wits with a Cylon, she probably never had a chance, even if her lawyer is a Goul'd.

Just die Dana.

Alice has seen the light?

"You're right, bisexuality is gross, I see it now."

So yes, that phone call Bette made at the retreat to her family was even more disgusting than her partner cheating on her with a penis: "I miss my stuff, and my art, and my house and my books!" becuase that's exactly what Buddism is supposed to teach people on a Buddhist retreat: How much more important stuff is than people.

You're the worst person on this show Bette. Eat a poo.

 

[Sparkle Fabulosa]

You do realize that the scene with Dana and Lara was a flashback, right?

Calling Lara probably didn't cross anyone's minds. Sad.

Laurel Holloman's daughter was born in 2004. Filming for season 3 happened sometime in 2005.

I have to wonder though. Did she and Henry do it in hers and Bette's room, or the spare room? Either way, it was a terrible thing to do.

(I do not condone cheating but at least Bette and the carpenter did it at a hotel.)

I found it weird that Bette addressed the phone call to Angelica, who would not have understood anything said.

So, has Dana died?

****

I did some digging, and Tina and Henry did indeed have sex in the bedroom she shared with Bette.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Women can smell sex.

They can even smell the difference between different fuckers who have fucked.

Men can't even smell freshly dumped dog shit in the living room when we are sitting a foot away from incoming turd-steam.

Tina has to scrub that door, or Bette will know that sweaty backs have leaked orgasm perspirations into the grain. Shampooing the carpet would be a good call too.

Bette is going to walk into her house, and say "Why can I smell semen?"

I thought Bette was going to get raped at that bus stop. I know the actor that didn't rape her, and he's usually a sweet guy, he was comic relief on Sanctuary, but he's wearing Army Surplus clothing and catching a bus, which is usually a danger sign. (Yes, everyone who uses public transport is a rapist. I said it.)

Bette and Tina are not together.

It's not cheating.

They are on a break, while still sleeping angrily in the same bed with a wall of pillows between them so they don';t accidentally nuzzle or spoon.

Karmen is unstable.

When Karmen's sister said "Why couldn't you wait (to tell mother that you are gay)??" Did she mean "mum is over weight and going to be dead soon, you could have told her grave in 6 months" or "Shit girl, I still have to live here, I am going to get an ear full of this, why couldn't you wait till I'd left home?"

Did not realize that it was a flashback with Lara.

I multi task.

More listening than watching, unless I can hear exposed boobies, and then my ears tell my eyes to focus on what's important.

So Dana had hair in that flashback, which would have been a clue that it was a flashback?

Meh.

Ding Dong. The Witch is dead.

Bye bye Dana. I don't think I can handle her funeral where everyone lies about how wonderful she is, when Dana really wasn't.

Max is going to complain.

"This ##### spent 40 grand on flowers? ### her! It's not fair! She got her boobs cut off and flowers!"

I understand that it is going to take Max years to figure out how to cope with his (new) hormones, but Jenny is not helping. She is a prickly fuck who pushes everyone to prove that she is righteous, especially when it is completely unnecessary.

Tim you got out, you escaped, why did you return to this hot mess of jenny-logic, you poor deluded fuck.

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I'm so glad Jenny shit the bed in that b-story, I don't think I could have handled Max picking a fight with Tim over who gets privileges with Jenny, but few things defuse a thug boyfriend accusing you of looking at their old lady than holding hands with your pregnant wife.

Narrowly avoided.

Sigh of relief.

'Sup?

 

[Sparkle Fabulosa]

It was so sad to watch Alice break down in tears. I wanted to cuddle her while stroking her hair.

Did you see Tonya? It was only a brief conversation with Alice though.

I never understood why Jenny and Tim decided to meet up again. It was uncomfortable to watch.

I think Carnen's sister meant the second but it was more about wanting to keep the peace in their family. Now they hate Shane. Poor Shane.

The next episode is really good!

 

[Guy Gardener]

Jenny and Tim used to be best friends before Jenny found a personality.

Seriously in episode one this girl was veal, afraid of the moon and unaware of anything about the world. So sweet and innocent and harmless, exactly the sort of naive farmgirl a pimp looks for at the bus station when he's running low on b'tches.

She's not strong now, Jenny is just full of rage and lashing out for no reason. I think she's a cautionary tale for the lesbians of the world who take themselves too seriously. Yes your problems are real, and you deserve respect, but do you want to be Jenny?

 

[Sparkle Fabulosa]

No one wants to be Jenny.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Jenny does actually grow up, it's just that it takes her two hundred years.

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[Sparkle Fabulosa]

Well that was entertaining.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Am I going to see someone piss on Dana's grave next?