This is a very good beginning,
HIjol. You did better than I when it came to rhyme scheme; I repeated one of the letters and thereby flubbed the chance to write a Shakespearean and an Italian sonnet all in one go. (Italian sonnets make a major turn at line 9, which mine does.) I'm sure you know that the format you're using is Shakespearean: three quatrains and a couplet, with the ABAB CDCD EFEF GG rhyme scheme you have.
Scansion can be tricky, though. Technically, all sonnets consist of fourteen lines of iambic pentameter.
1 unstressed syllable + 1 stressed syllable = 1 iamb. 5 of those = 1 line of iambic pentameter, like this:
da-DA-da-DA-da-DA-da-DA-da-DA
Even though English is naturally iambic, it is very difficult indeed to write iambs in a way that sounds natural. I struggle with it myself, as you can see, even after many rounds of edits (and many years of writing sonnets):
Meld
Know what I know, what your touch bids me tell
You through the silent stillness of our minds:
Beyond Antares, beyond the stars that sail
Alight on time’s great river where it winds,
There is a place to which I cannot go,
Must not return, lest I revive the pain
That took a home and made of it a foe,
And all for naught, for naught there was to gain.
But you, dear Spock, you do not judge me ill
For what I had to do to end the strife.
For you and I, we share a stalwart’s will
To do what must be done to save a life.
Your hands sculpt love. You do not call it so,
But mind to mind speaks truth; we love, we know.
© username LadyT'Anna
Aug. 7–15, 2015
<end of sonnet lecture
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