Star Trek: Lower Decks - CF091 - "Reign of Happiness"

[ColdFusion180]

Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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Reign of Happiness

“Oh boy! This is going to be great!” Rutherford smiled eagerly clutching his toolkit in anticipation. “Nothing like working on some mysteriously malfunctioning tech to make you feel alive!”

“Sheesh, Ruthy. Calm down, will ya?” Mariner drawled rolling her eyes. “See, this is what happens when you spend all day crawling through Jefferies tubes. You really need to get out more, man.”

“That’s exactly what we’re doing,” Boimler reminded walking alongside his friends. “We’ve beaming down to Yojue II to conduct repairs on their planetary distress beacon.”

“It should be really fun,” Tendi chirped. “All prior Starfleet visits to Yojue II report it is a fantastic place full of beauty, hospitality and wonder.”

“Eh, I’ll believe it when I see it,” Mariner shrugged.

“I’m glad we’ll be able to see it instead of being left aboard the Cerritos,” Boimler smiled. “I can’t believe we’re the first choice for the away team. We even beat out Alpha shift.”

“Yeah, looks like all my buttering up Ransom finally paid off,” Mariner commented.

“Wow, you actually showered Commander Ransom with kindness, praise and flattery?” Tendi asked in surprise.

“No, I literally buttered him up,” Mariner explained. “I replaced all of Jack’s fitness body oils with hot Rhombolian butter courtesy of Dr. Migleemo. You should have seen it. Ransom was slipping and sliding all over the place!”

“I should have known,” Boimler groaned.

“Which led Ransom into slipping right down an empty turbolift shaft undergoing maintenance,” Mariner went on. “Maybe he’ll finally end up getting a scar or two from all the broken bones and third-degree burns caused by the scalding hot butter.”

“Ah, so that’s who was brought into Sickbay right as I was informed to report for the away mission,” Tendi nodded in realization. “I’m surprised Dr. Migleemo let you borrow so much butter. He’s usually very protective with his private stocks of non-replicated ingredients.”

“Borrowed. Right,” Mariner whistled innocently.

“Great, yet another instance of unwillingly benefiting from your reg-breaking behavior,” Boimler sighed in resignation. “Wait, is that also why we were assigned to the away team? To escape the ship before Captain Freeman finds out you’re the reason Ransom ended up in Sickbay?”

“Oh, would you look at the time,” Mariner glanced at her bare wrist. “Don’t want to be late beaming down. Let’s go!”

“Okey-dokey,” Rutherford shrugged as he and Tendi followed her.

“What? Wait…ahhh!” Boimler yelped as Mariner dragged him down the corridor.

“We’re here!” Tendi announced entering Transporter Room One. “Ensigns Tendi, Rutherford, Mariner and Boimler reporting for duty!”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever,” Doctor T’Ana grumbled standing on the transporter pad along with Lieutenant Shaxs and Lieutenant Commander Billups. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

“You got it, Doc,” Mariner grinned cheekily as the four ensigns joined their senior officers on the transporter pad. “Energize!”

“Aw, I never get to say it,” Boimler pouted quietly as the away team was whisked away.

“Wow, look at this place,” Rutherford whistled gazing at their surroundings. The away team had materialized in the middle of a bright, sunny plaza filled with sparkling fountains, luscious plants and sleek, colorful buildings. “It’s really nice. All those prior visitor reports were right on.”

“It’s beautiful,” Tendi smiled in awe. “Everything is so lively, cheery, optimistic and cute!”

“Hello, friends!” A delegation of smiling Yojueans skipped up to them. They had large expressive eyes, short bunny-like ears and sported a variety of bright, colorful hairstyles, body art and attire. “Welcome to Yojue II, the brightest, sunniest, happiest planet in the galaxy! I’m Chief Caretaker Heartcheeks! Please enjoy your stay!”

“Heartcheeks? Seriously?” Boimler did a take. “Yikes, and I thought certain Ferengi names were cringy.”

“Could be worse,” Mariner whispered back. “At least they didn’t label their planet with a ridiculous name like Freecloud.”

“Greetings,” Billups addressed the group. “I’m Lieutenant Commander Billups of the Federation starship Cerritos. I understand you’re having problems with your planetary distress beacon.”

“Oh yes!” Heartcheeks confirmed brightly indicating a sprawling, tower-shaped transmitter. “It seems the equipment sent out a distress signal about a possible plague by mistake. Though strangely there was no indication such a signal was being sent. We didn’t even know a distress signal was being broadcast.”

“Hmmm, that is strange,” Billups mused pulling out a tricorder and ran a preliminary scan. “Huh, looks like the phase inducers have been misaligned and the command override interface is burned out. If I didn’t know better, I’d almost say it was sabotaged.”

“Sabotage?” Heartcheeks gasped dramatically. “Who would ever do a shocking, aberrant thing like that?”

“I have no idea,” Billups shrugged. “But don’t worry. We’ll get to the bottom of it.”

“I’m sure you will,” Heartcheeks and her attendants smiled cheerily. “May your efforts be full of joy and happiness! Please let us know if there is anything we can do to improve your stay!”

“Uh, right,” Billups blinked before addressing the away team. “Okay, everybody. Let’s spread out and take an in-depth look at the transmitter. Doctor, please check for any potential disease indicators. Just in case there really is some kind of plague present on the planet.”

“As if I have anything else to do,” T’Ana grumbled indicating Tendi. “Ensign, you’re with me.”

“Great,” Billups nodded turning to Shaxs. “Shaxs, monitor the transmitter site and keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior.”

“You got it, sir,” Shaxs growled eyeing their surroundings. “Nothing will get by me!”

“Here! Please help yourselves to some refreshments while you work!” Several smiling Yojueans offered snacks and beverages to the away team. “How about a tall glass of sweet mixed fruit juice and airy-fresh cupcakes?”

“Gee, thanks,” Rutherford smiled taking a cookie-like treat. “Mmmm, delicious!”

“Wow, Yojue II really lives up to its reputation,” Tendi commented taking scans with her tricorder while munching on a decorated puffed pastry. “Ooo, look at how the water fountains create their own rainbows. This place is great!”

“I’ll say,” Boimler blushed accepting some snacks from a pair of cute, beaming Yojueans. “These people make Risans look like Vulcan monks. They’re beautiful! Uh, and the scenery is nice too.”

“I dunno, guys,” Mariner glanced around skeptically. “Something about this place feels kinda off.”

“What do you mean?” Tendi asked curiously. “Everything seems perfectly fine to me. Even the storm drains and waste disposal bins are cute.”

“Exactly. Everything’s too perfect around here,” Mariner narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Everywhere you look there’s nothing but literal smiles, laughs, sunshine and rainbows as far as the eye can see.”

“And that’s a bad thing?” Boimler asked.

“It could be,” Mariner insisted. “Places that appear nice and perfect on the outside usually harbor some sort of dark, hidden secret within.”

“Gah! Get away from me, you *bleep*ing pests!” T’Ana snarled at several radiant, tri-winged butterflies fluttering around her head. “Grrr, stupid butterflies! Always sticking their *bleep*ing *bleeps* where they don’t *bleep*ing belong!”

“Yeah, the locals could secretly have a symbiotic relationship with a swarm of hostile butterflies,” Boimler chuckled. “Like that could ever happen.”

“Excuse me. Is something wrong?” Heartcheeks skipped up to T’Ana. “Aren’t you happy?”

“Do I look happy to you?” T’Ana snapped while continuing to swat at butterflies. “These stupid *bleep*s keep tickling my ears!”

“I see,” Heartcheeks soothed signaling to an attendant. “Well, no worries. We can fix that. Please come this way.”

“Don’t kid around with me, Boims,” Mariner warned while prying open a transmitter panel. “I’m serious about this.”

“I know,” Boimler said as he worked. “That’s the scary part.”

“I suppose it’s possible the Yojueans could be hiding something,” Tendi allowed. “But it doesn’t seem very likely.”

“Yeah,” Rutherford agreed calibrating some circuits. “Besides, if something suspicious really was going on around here, one of Starfleet’s previous visiting teams would’ve noticed it.”

“Exactly,” Boimler nodded.

“Please try at least one snack, sir,” A smiling Yojuean urged while attempting to offer refreshments to Shaxs. “We would not want you to collapse from lack of proper energy and nourishment.”

“Grrr, fine,” A grumbling Shaxs finally gave in biting into a torte. “Gahhh! Yuck!”

“Is something wrong?” Heartcheeks twittered appearing next to him. “Aren’t you happy?”

“Of course I’m not happy!” Shaxs roared spitting out the torte. “Your food is too luscious, delectable and sickening sweet!”

“Oh dear. This is a problem,” Heartcheeks beamed gently guiding him away. “But never fear. We can fix it!”

“I’m just saying a place this perfect can’t exist naturally,” Mariner went on. “Every known pleasure planet contains some sort of artificial construct. These people could be under the influence of neurogenic fields or happy-pollen pod plant spores.”

“Na, I’m not detecting anything like that,” Tendi said consulting her tricorder. “Except for some occasionally elevated endorphin levels, all the Yojueans appear to be in perfect health. And no, I’m not detecting any traces of metaphasic radiation either.”

“How about traces of elevated paranoia?” Boimler asked teasingly indicating Mariner. “You could be suffering from exposure to a Saltah'na energy sphere or a severe lack of REM sleep…”

“Pssst!” An unknown voice suddenly hissed from nearby. “Hey you! Starfleet!”

“Huh?” Boimler blinked glancing around. He spotted a young Yojuean crouching behind one of the transmitter’s beacon braces. “Um, are you taking to me?”

“Yes,” The Yojuean whispered with a strange, strained smile on his face. “My name’s Luckypetal. Please, you must help us!”

“We are helping you,” Rutherford said indicating his work. “We’re repairing your malfunctioning planetary distress beacon. It’s nothing major, thought it does weirdly look like it’s been sabotaged.”

“I know,” Luckypetal said as two more fugitive-looking Yojueans stealthily join him. “We sabotaged it.”

“You what?” Tendi looked confused. “Why?”

“We had no choice,” Luckypetal defended. “It was the only way to attract Starfleet’s attention in hopes of freeing us from oppression.”

“Huh?” Boimler blinked.

“Aha! I knew it!” Mariner crowed. “I told you there was something wrong about this place!”

“We better report to this to Lieutenant Shaxs,” Rutherford said. “Say, where is Shaxs?”

“Doctor T’Ana is missing too,” Tendi noted glancing around. “That’s odd. You’d think she’d be well within swearing distance.”

“Hello! How are you all getting along?” A returning Heartcheeks asked noticing the newcomers. “Sweet heavens! Dissidents!”

“Oh no! Run!” Luckypetal and his companions shouted dashing away. “It’s the Joy Police!”

“The what?” Mariner did a take.

“Joy Police?” Rutherford repeated in surprise. “That’s a thing?”

“Apparently,” Tendi shrugged.

“Over here! Quickly!” Heartcheeks called out as a squad of uniformed Yojueans appeared on the scene. “Make sure to catch them all!”

“Don’t just stand there, Starfleet! Run!” Luckypetal yelled. “Look out for their Poof-Poof wands!”

“Poof-Poof wands?” Boimler blinked, confused. “What the heck is a Poof-Poof…?”

POOF-POOF!

“Gahhh!” Boimler warbled as a twin blast of powder-like puffs hit him right in the face. “Ooooh, look at the pretty poof-poofs…” He fell to ground while watching Mariner, Tendi and Rutherford suffer similar fates right before everything went dark.

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[ColdFusion180]

Later…

“Oh, my head,” Boimler groaned as he slowly regained consciousness. “Ooo, what happened.

“Ugh, what was I drinking?” Mariner grumbled. “It feels like there’s nothing but annoying sparkles twinkling in front of my eyes.”

“That’s because there really are sparkles twinkling in front of your eyes,” Rutherford’s voice was heard nearby.

“Huh?” Boimler blinked regaining his wits. He looked around and saw he and his fellow ensigns were bound to the wall of a circular, twinkle-decorated room along with Shaxs and T’Ana. “Oh no! We’ve been captured!”

“So what? Starfleet officers are always being captured during random away missions,” Mariner snorted. “Though I gotta say, this is by far the nicest holding room I’ve ever been in.”

“I’ll say,” An awake Tendi agreed gazing at the bright, glittering walls and deep, lush carpeting. “Even the window bars and unusually large door locks are cute.”

“Who cares about that?” Boimler cried struggling against his restraints. “We have to get out of here and contact the Cerritos!”

“There’s no way out, Starfleet,” Luckypetal sighed also bound to the wall along with his two companions. “Once the Joy Police have you, there is no way to escape.”

“We are doomed! Doomed!” His fellow Yojueans wailed.

“Would someone mind telling me what the *bleep* is going on here?” T’Ana howled irritably. “Where are we? Why are we being held? Who knocked me out with a bunch of giant poof balls?!”

“Are you lot criminals or something?” Shaxs glared at Luckypetal and his friends. “Out with it, man!”

“We’re not criminals. We’re dissidents,” Luckypetal explained. “We want to be free from the oppressive laws requiring everyone to be perpetually joyful, optimistic and happy.”

“Huh?” Rutherford blinked looking very confused. “I don’t get it.”

“Yeah, isn’t being happy and optimistic a good thing?” Tendi asked.

“Not when it’s being forced against our will,” Luckypetal said. “We want the freedom to be sad, angry or disappointed. Anything, anything else than being happy!”

“Wait, you’re saying Yojuean society considers unhappy people as bad?” Boimler asked in surprise.

“It’s not just bad. It’s illegal,” Luckypetal explained. “Exhibiting anything other than happy expressions and behavior is a considered crime. Frowning, crying, cursing; all are strictly forbidden. The Joy Police are everywhere, monitoring everyone all the time, taking away anyone they don’t consider to be sufficiently joyous. Trying to be anything other than happy can get you imprisoned just like we’ve been.”

Well, I admit that does sound pretty extreme,” Rutherford thought for a moment. “But being forced to be happy can’t be that bad.”

“Yes it is! It’s horrible!” Luckypetal insisted. “I lost my job after a colleague was promoted instead of me just because they had a bigger, better smile. I wasn’t allowed to get angry and even had to congratulate them!”

“My parents died during a flower blooming mishap,” One of Luckypetal’s companions moaned. “I couldn’t even cry at their funeral. All I could do was laugh and greet everyone who attended with smiles and good cheer.”

“My boyfriend broke up with me after I suffered a miscarriage,” Luckypetal’s other companion sniffed. “Every doctor and counselor I spoke too said that instead of wasting my time and energy mourning I should simply accept my situation and be happy at the chance to meet new people and have future babies.”

“My gosh,” Boimler gasped in shock. “That is horrible!”

“All we want is the right to cry, yell and scream our lungs out in public, private or whenever,” Luckypetal sighed wistfully. “Is that really so much to ask? Is it?”

“Of course not,” Tendi assured him. “A little embarrassing maybe, but other than that…”

“Enough with the backstory already,” T’Ana hissed. “Somebody contact the Cerritos and have them beam us out of here!”

“I’m trying,” Boimler vainly attempted to get free. “Ugh, Starfleet should really consider developing a voice-activated combadge.”

“Say, that’s a good idea,” Rutherford blinked in excitement. “Starfleet computers already contain plenty of voice-recognition features. Why not incorporate them into other types of Starfleet equipment too?”

“Sure, imagine everyone wandering around with their own personal voice-activated communication device,” Mariner quipped. “What could possibly go wrong?”

“Who needs a bunch of overrated communicators?” Shaxs roared straining against his bonds. “Never fear, people. I’ll get us out of this! Raaarrr!”

“Wait! Please don’t strain yourself,” Heartcheeks requested entering the room along with a pair of wand-totting Joy Police. “We do not wish to cause you any harm.”

“Gee, could have fooled us,” Mariner drawled. “Who knew knocking us out, tying us up and locking us in a room were acts of harmless benevolence?”

“We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience, but it is for your own good,” Heartcheeks said. “We simply could not have you going around while being so obviously unhappy.”

“Why not?” Tendi asked. “There’s no harm in expressing a little unhappiness now and then. And even if there were, it certainly isn’t any of your business.”

“Of course it is,” Heartcheeks insisted. “The pursuit of happiness and joy is a universal characteristic of all sentient life. Every living being has the right to be joyous and happy.”

“Not when it comes at the expense of personal freedom,” Boimler protested. “Losing the right to be sad, angry or disappointed just for the sake of happiness is too high a price.”

“You can’t do this to us!” Shaxs roared with bulging veins and muscles. “We’re Starfleet officers! This means war! War, I say!”

“You *bleep*ing *bleep*ers!” T’Ana snarled. “When our captain finds out about this, she’s gonna *bleep* you all so *bleep*ing bad!”

“Oh dear. Your unhappiness levels are even worse than we thought,” Heartcheeks tutted in concern. “But don’t worry. We’ll make it so you’ll be full of joy and happiness once again!”

“Really?” Mariner gave Heartcheeks a look. “And just how do you plan to do that? Make us undergo some kind of Landru-like absorption? Pump us full of pod plant spores?”

“Of course not. That would be barbaric,” Heartcheeks waved. “We will simply blast you with Happy Beams generated by our special Happy Ray!”

“Your what?” The Starfleet officers yelled as a large, brightly decorated cannon-like device dramatically rose up from the floor.

“Happy Rays?” A stunned Rutherford goggled. “Happy Beams?”

“Okay, it’s official. This place is seriously nuts,” Mariner declared. “What’s next, is a herd of multicolored ponies going to fly in along with a pack of huggy, furry animals that shoot rainbows out of their belly buttons?”

“Uh, that doesn’t look very safe,” Tendi worriedly studied the blinking, light-studded Happy Ray. “But it certainly is cute.”

“Just as a Happy Ray should be,” Heartcheeks smiled powering up the device. “Let’s start with your two loudest, most unhappy members first.”

“What?!” Shaxs and T’Ana howled as Heartcheeks aimed the Happy Ray at them. “No!”

“Here we go!” Heartcheeks grinned. “In three, two, one…”

PEWPEWPEWPEWPEW!

“Aaahhhhhh!” Shaxs and T’Ana yelled as they were struck with a sparkly, rainbow-colored blast.

“Oh my gosh!” Mariner gasped at the sight in horror. “Even their stupid Happy Beams are cute! Sounds and all!”

“There! All done!” Heartcheeks chirped ceasing fire. “How do you feel?”

“Hmmm?” A humming Shaxs blinked dazedly. “Oh, I feel great.”

“Me too,” T’Ana giggled wearing a silly smile. “It’s a beautiful day after all. Packed with joy, happiness and lots and lots of love!”

“Huh?” The four ensigns stared at their superior officers in shock.

“Wow, there’s something I never thought Doctor T’Ana would say,” Tendi was stunned.

“I don’t believe it,” Boimler blinked in amazement. “Happy Beams really do work!”

“Ah, it’s so nice to see our newest guests have been successfully Happified,” Heartcheeks said as the Joy Police released Shaxs and T’Ana from the wall. “Isn’t this so much better than being unhappy?”

“You bet!” Shaxs laughed heartily skipping around in a circle. “I’ve never felt this way before. All my unresolved rage and aggression have completely disappeared!”

“I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty!” T’Ana purred goofily pawing at the air. “Oooh, butterflies! Yay!”

“Happified?” Boimler blinked at Heartcheeks’ words.

“Oh geeze,” Mariner groaned. “Just when I thought this place couldn’t get any stupider…”

“Now for the next two…” Heartcheeks rotated the Happy Ray towards Tendi and Rutherford.

“Uh oh,” Rutherford gulped.

“Um, can’t we talk about this?” Tendi squeaked.

PEWPEWPEWPEWPEW!

“Oooh, guess not,” Tendi blinked as she and Rutherford were zapped. “Hey, look at all the flying cloud twinkles. They’re so cute!”

“Wow, that Happy Ray is amazing!” Rutherford chirped with a smile. “And you Yojueans are amazing too!”

“Oh no,” Boimler blanched. “Now Tendi and Rutherford have been Happified!”

“How can you tell?” Mariner quipped.

“And finally,” Heartcheeks beamed turning the Happy Ray towards Boimler and Mariner as Tendi and Rutherford were released. “Our last waiting members of Starfleet.”

“Uh oh,” Boimler gulped. “Well, maybe being Happified won’t be so bad…”

“Aaaggghhhhhh! No! No! No!” Mariner howled desperately. “You can’t Happify me! Being roguishly snarky, reckless and questionably hot-tempered is all part of who I am!”

“Not anymore,” Heartcheeks smiled aiming the Happy Ray. “In three, two, one…!”

“Aha!” Tendi and Rutherford cried suddenly as they each snatched a Poof-Poof wand from the pair of unsuspecting Joy Police.

POOF-POOF! POOF-POOF! POOF-POOF!

“Aaahhhhhh!” Heartcheeks yelped as she and the Joy Police were quickly blasted into unconsciousness. “Ooooh, look at all the pretty poof-poofs…”

“Huh?” Mariner gawked at her friends in shock. “Ruthy? Tendi? You guys are okay!”

“You bet!” Tendi beamed.

“Sorry for the surprise,” Rutherford said moving to power down the Happy Ray. “We only pretended to be dazed and Happified.”

“But...but how?” Boimler asked as Tendi worked to free him and Mariner. “Weren’t you two somehow affected by the Happy Beams?”

“I don’t think so,” Tendi shrugged. “I don’t feel any different than I did before.”

“Neither do I,” Rutherford said. “Maybe Orions and cybernetic implant individuals are just naturally immune.”

“Na, you two probably have a different form of immunity,” Mariner reasoned as she was freed. “The stupid Happy Beams or whatever undoubtedly don’t work on those who are already naturally optimistic and happy.”

“That makes sense too,” Boimler blinked.

“Oh thank you! Thank you!” Luckypetal and his companions wept as Tendi finished freeing them as well. “Starfleet truly is amazing. Quick, we must escape before the rest of the Joy Police find out!”

“Hold your horses there, buddy,” Mariner grabbed his collar. “Still gotta take care of one vitally important thing first.”

“Huh? What vitally important…ahhh!” Tendi yelped as Mariner whipped out a phaser and aimed it at the Happy Ray.

“Yikes!” Rutherford quickly leapt out of the way.

PHWZZZT!

BOOM!

“There,” Mariner nodded at the Happy Ray’s smoldering remains. “Now that that evil thing is kaput, we can finally break outta this joint and kick a whooping load of Joy Police butt!”

“No we’re not!” Boimler shouted stopping her. “We’re going to resolve this the proper way.” He quickly slapped his combadge. “Ensign Boimler to Cerritos. Requesting emergency beam out!”

“What?” Captain Freeman’s voice was heard in reply. “Explain yourself, ensign. What is going on down there? Where are Doctor T’Ana and Lieutenant Shaxs?”

“Uh, Shaxs and Doctor T’Ana are slightly…indisposed at the moment,” Boimler coughed glancing at the two giggling, Happified officers. “They were both hit by Happy Beams and are currently chasing around invisible butterflies, sunshine and rainbows…”

“Excuse me?” Freeman’s surprise was evident. “What the heck are you talking about…?”

“Seriously, Cap?” Mariner interrupted tapping her own combadge. “Stop dickering around! The man-child called for an emergency beam out! Get on with it already!”

“Mariner! I should have known you managed to sneak down to the surface without permission!” Freeman barked. “You are in such big trouble, missy!”

“Save it!” Mariner snapped. “We got a situation down here and need emergency evac STAT! Shaxs and T’Ana are already down for the count.”

“What?” Freeman’s concerned voice immediately grew serious. “How bad are they?”

“This bad,” Mariner said ripping off her combadge and pointing it at Shaxs.

“I’m a Happy, Happy man! It’s a Happy, Happy Day!” A giggling Shaxs joyfully sang and skipped about. “Everyone is bright and happy in their own Happy Way!”

“Huh?” The four ensigns could practically hear Freeman’s jaw hit the floor. “Is that really Shaxs…?”

“Hey, it’s the Captain!” T’Ana chirped skipping over to Mariner and shouting into her combadge. “Hey there, Captain Carol! I love you, girl! I love everything!”

“WHAT?!” Freeman was nearly at a loss for words.

“Now do you believe me?” Mariner asked reaffixing her combadge.

“Uh…uh, yes,” Freeman stuttered. “Transporter Room One, stand by.”

“‘Bout time,” Mariner grumbled as Boimler, Tendi and Rutherford quickly corralled the still-skipping, boisterous Shaxs and T’Ana. “Six requesting emergency beam out…”

“Wait! Don’t forget us!” Luckypetal and his companions yelled. “Please! You can’t leave us here!”

“Make that nine,” Mariner corrected. “Wait, can the transporter even handle nine people at a time? Eh, only one way to find out. Energize!”

“No! Wait!” Boimler yelped right before being whisked away in a swirl of twinkling light. “Aw, I still never get to say it…”

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Later…

“Well, that was certainly an interesting away mission,” Tendi commented sipping her drink.

“Are you kidding? That mission was nuts!” Boimler sighed leaning against a table. The four ensigns were seated at a booth in the ship’s bar. “Weirdest away mission ever!

“You say that after a lot of away missions,” Rutherford remarked.

“Because it’s true!” Boimler insisted. “I swear our missions keep getting crazier and crazier every time!”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Mariner quipped knocking back a shot. “But this time you have a point. Those loony Yojueans are wackos!”

“They are not,” Tendi defended. “They’re just a little…obsessive.”

“More like oppressive,” Boimler pointed out. “Luckypetal and the others begged Captain Freeman for asylum within a minute of beaming onboard.”

“Yeah, right after Freeman managed to beam up Billups,” Mariner grumbled signaling for another drink. “The guy was so engrossed with repairing the darn planetary distress beacon he didn’t even notice the rest of us were missing! Crazy, single-minded, tech-focused engineers! No offense, Ruthy.”

“No taken,” Rutherford waved. “I’m glad Billups was able to return to the ship before being seized by the Joy Police.”

“Are we sure about that?” Boimler asked suspiciously. “The Joy Police might have snatched Billups and zapped him with other Happy Beams without anybody knowing it.”

“Really?” Tendi blinked. “Hmmm, that would explain why he was doing an estampie dance while realigning the resonator array.”

“Na, Billups always does that,” Rutherford waved. “Plus, he underwent the same comprehensive medical examination we did upon returning to the Cerritos.”

“I heard an alert has been sent out regarding all other Starfleet personnel who ever visited Yojue II,” Boimler added. “To determine whether any of them had also been exposed to Happy Beams.”

“That would explain the unanimous reports extolling the joys and wonders of Yojue II,” Tendi noted. “The Yojueans sure have a lot to answer for: kidnapping, brainwashing, imprisonment. How do you think Starfleet and Captain Freeman will respond?”

“Eh, they’ll probably come up with some clever, borderline-ethical way to maneuver Heartcheeks and the rest of the head Yojueans into a paradoxical situation that makes them sad, angry or something, thus manipulating them into breaking their own laws,” Mariner shrugged. “Thereby revealing just how dumb and stupid their loony laws are or exposing them all as hypocrites.”

“Ah, okey-dokey,” Rutherford said raising his glass. “Here’s to them. Hope everything turns out well. Are Shaxs and Doctor T’Ana still currently under observation?”

“Yep, and both are still under the influence of the Happy Beam,” Tendi confirmed. “Though Nurse Westlake reported their condition can probably be reversed by a team of Starfleet medical specialists.”

“Aw, too bad,” Mariner teased. “Everybody enjoy watching those two acting outrageously out of character while it lasts. Please tell me someone has a recording of their behavior down on Yojue II. It’ll make a great addition to my blackmail collection.”

“Sorry, no,” Rutherford shook his head. “My implant wasn’t in recording mode at the time. But I do have the scans I took of the Yojueans’ Happy Ray.”

“WHAT?!” Boimler did a spit-take. “How?! Why?!”

“Oh, I scanned the Happy Ray with my tricorder right after powering it down and before Mariner blew it up,” Rutherford explained casually. “Simple engineering curiosity.”

“More like insanity,” Mariner said shooting Rutherford a look. “You gotta destroy all the scans you took of the Happy Ray, Ruthy. No one should be able to recreate such an evil device ever, ever again!”

“WHERE ARE YOU, MARINER?!” Commander Ransom’s enraged shouts rang throughout the Cerritos. “YOU’RE GOING TO PAY BIG TIME FOR THAT STUPID HOT BUTTER PRANK! YOU’RE GOING TO BE SCRAPING CARBON AND HAULING HOLODECK WASTE UNTIL YOU’RE BEGGING TO SPEND TIME IN THE BRIG!”

“On the other hand, why don’t you try whipping up a prototype Happy Ray as soon as possible, Ruthy,” Mariner suggested with a smile. “Once it’s built I’ve got the perfect test subject…”

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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.