Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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When You Tick Off Mama
“I don’t believe this,” Freeman fumed sitting in her Ready Room. “The recent stunt you pulled down on Dessica II is without a doubt the most outrageous and contemptable thing you have ever done!”
“Well, I wouldn’t go that far,” Mariner said standing on the other side of the desk. “Personally, I think the time I ‘accidentally’ trapped that combined Kostolain-Tavnian diplomatic delegation inside a Deltan pleasure maze will be hard to beat. Besides, the whole Dessica II incident wasn’t that bad.”
“Oh really? Then what do you call this?” Freeman glared reading off a padd. “Beaming down to a non-Federation planet without authorization…”
“Please, as if no Starfleet officer hasn’t ever done something like that before,” Mariner pointed out. “Cough! (Kirk!) Cough! (Riker!)”
“Starting a bar fight…” Freeman continued.
“I’m not the one who threw the first punch,” Mariner defended. “I didn’t even taunt or say a word to anybody. I simply kinda-sorta-somewhat accidentally spilled a drink. Granted, it wasn’t my drink, but still…”
“Stealing the access chips to half a dozen civilian shuttlecraft…” Freeman read off the next item.
“All of whom were either criminals, fugitives or drunk,” Mariner pointed out. “Sometimes all three.”
“Stealing one of said shuttlecraft…” Freeman went on.
“I borrowed it,” Mariner corrected. “I was going to give that beat up ol’ hunk of junk back. Eventually…”
“Flying said shuttlecraft in Dessican airspace without a license…” Freeman proceeded down the list.
“I have a license,” Mariner stated. “I’m a fully certified Starfleet pilot. It’s not my fault the local authorities didn’t recognize it. Not that they bothered to ask to see it in the first place…”
“Refusing to obey an order from Dessica II’s law enforcement officers,” Freeman snapped. “Getting into an aerial firefight with a patrol of said officers…”
“Hey, the cops were the ones who opened fire first,” Mariner defended. “And destroyed a ton of local property due to being such lousy shots.”
“Damaging the primary waterway of Dessica II’s aqueduct system,” Freeman glared.
“I unblocked it,” Mariner stared back. “That blocked aqueduct was the whole reason why Dessica II’s government was messed up in the first place. Everyone was more interested in assigning blame and arguing over resource allocation budgets instead of actually solving the problem.
“Shooting and stunning Chief Lundy with a phaser,” Freeman shot her defiant daughter a look.
“I was trying to help him relax,” Mariner said with a straight face. “Standing around the transporter room all day with tense muscles is really bad for one’s health. Plus, Lundy is always way too uptight.”
“Can it, Beckett! Your litany of outrageous excuses wouldn’t get you out of trouble this time!” Freeman snapped. “How could a single Starfleet officer end up causing so much trouble?”
“Uh, yeah. Right. A single officer,” Mariner whistled innocently. “I confess I did it all. Alone. It was just me the whole time.”
“And you’ll receive the full punishment too!” Freeman vowed. “There’s a reason why Starfleet officers are forbidden from beaming down to planets without the local government’s consent.”
“Well excuuuse me!” Mariner shot back with her voice dripping with sarcasm. “I’m sooo sorry for unblocking Dessica II’s primary aqueduct and saving thousands of people from experiencing a drought just because Starfleet regulations make some people too timid to cut through the gaggle of red tape made by the local bigwigs who were more concerned about fighting their private political turf wars than preventing their own people from dying of thirst!”
“That’s not the point, Beckett!” Freeman roared. “You didn’t even try coming to me or the ship’s other senior officers about finding a possible solution. You just blatantly ignored protocol and arrogantly took matters into your own hands while completely disregarding the consequences.”
“It worked, didn’t it?” Mariner pointed out. “The people are saved, the aqueduct is unblocked, the local government has been shamed into action. Heck, they even admitted to siphoning off the aqueduct maintenance funds for years which contributed to the whole blockage problem in the first place.”
“Arrrggghhh!” Freeman howled clutching her hair. “Do you even listen to yourself? Just because your disruptive methods somehow manage to have things miraculously turn out all right does not excuse you from taking responsibility for them. Or for disrespecting my authority and making me look like an inept, interfering fool to both the Dessican government and Starfleet Command!”
“Oh, great here we go again. Another self-righteous rant about respecting one’s superior officers,” Mariner drawled doing a mock clap. “And now, ladies, gentlemen and non-binaries. Here she is! The Baroness of Berating, the Duchess of Downers, the Queen of Complaining and Criticism herself: Captain Carol Freeman!”
“Quit clowning around, Beckett and listen up for once,” Freeman snapped fixing Mariner with a look. “Your behavior is getting out of hand. You need to respect the chain of command.”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever,” Mariner waved.
“Enough with all your disrespectful talk!” Freeman barked. “Desist blowing me off! Or I’ll blow you right out an airlock!”
“Eh, wouldn’t be the first time,” Mariner quipped.
“Aggghhh!” Freeman yelled pointing a finger at Mariner. “Setting aside our ranks, like you are used to!” She gave her daughter a warning look. “If you mess with Mama, Mama will mess with you!”
“Like you haven’t done that before,” Mariner grumbled. “Even before I joined Starfleet.”
“Watch it, missy!” Freeman snapped bracing herself with her hands while leaning across her desk. “Quit acting all flip! Like you often do! If you tick off Mama, Mama will strangle you!”
“Now who’s breaking regulations?” Mariner quipped.
“You’re the kind of errant maverick that discipline forlorns!” Freeman ranted at Mariner. “But now you’ve gone provoked the bull! So you will get the horns!”
“I’d rather get a drink,” Mariner said. “Heaven knows I could use one after listening to another mother-daughter scolding.”
“Don’t you bring a scandal! To my ship or crew!” Freeman warned. “If you disgrace Mama, Mama will bury you!”
“Like that’ll ever happen,” Mariner scoffed. “I’m about as likely to bring shame and scandal to the Cerritos as you are.”
“When you break rules or regs! Commit some taboo!” Freeman glared pointing a finger at Mariner. “If you disrupt Mama, Mama will disrupt you!”
“Though not with an actual disruptor,” Mariner remarked. “You’re just being metaphorical, right? Right?”
“Don’t you know this fist, can beat you black and blue?” Freeman snapped raising a hand. “If you annoy Mama, Mama will pummel you!”
“Hey, that’s child abuse!” Mariner protested. “And inappropriate behavior becoming a superior officer. This is the twenty-fourth century! We’re supposed to have evolved beyond such primitive displays of petty corporal punishment!”
“The fallout from your every mess, is stressing out my brain!” Freeman shot back with a bulging vein on her forehead. “So stop causing such wild madness! And driving me insane!”
“Must be a short trip,” Mariner quipped.
“Like playing Sherlock Holmes! Here’s a little clue!” Freeman glared at Mariner dangerously. “If you shake up Mama, Mama will throttle you!”
“Eh, I was never really into Sherlock Holmes,” Mariner waved. “I was always more of an Irene Adler kind of girl. Hmmm, I wonder what an Irene Adler hologram character would be like?”
“There is one guaranteed outcome that is certain to ensue,” Freeman declared shooting a final look at Mariner. “When you tick off Mama, Mama will lock up yooou!”
“Yeah, yeah. What else is new?” Mariner drawled as a pair of Security officers entered the room before dragging her away to the Brig. “Live long and prosper, Carol.”
“Auuuggghhhhhh! Not again!” Freeman howled banging her head on her desk. “And people say children are the greatest joy in life. What they don’t mention is that children are also the greatest aggravation!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song “When You’re Good to Mama”.
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When You Tick Off Mama
“I don’t believe this,” Freeman fumed sitting in her Ready Room. “The recent stunt you pulled down on Dessica II is without a doubt the most outrageous and contemptable thing you have ever done!”
“Well, I wouldn’t go that far,” Mariner said standing on the other side of the desk. “Personally, I think the time I ‘accidentally’ trapped that combined Kostolain-Tavnian diplomatic delegation inside a Deltan pleasure maze will be hard to beat. Besides, the whole Dessica II incident wasn’t that bad.”
“Oh really? Then what do you call this?” Freeman glared reading off a padd. “Beaming down to a non-Federation planet without authorization…”
“Please, as if no Starfleet officer hasn’t ever done something like that before,” Mariner pointed out. “Cough! (Kirk!) Cough! (Riker!)”
“Starting a bar fight…” Freeman continued.
“I’m not the one who threw the first punch,” Mariner defended. “I didn’t even taunt or say a word to anybody. I simply kinda-sorta-somewhat accidentally spilled a drink. Granted, it wasn’t my drink, but still…”
“Stealing the access chips to half a dozen civilian shuttlecraft…” Freeman read off the next item.
“All of whom were either criminals, fugitives or drunk,” Mariner pointed out. “Sometimes all three.”
“Stealing one of said shuttlecraft…” Freeman went on.
“I borrowed it,” Mariner corrected. “I was going to give that beat up ol’ hunk of junk back. Eventually…”
“Flying said shuttlecraft in Dessican airspace without a license…” Freeman proceeded down the list.
“I have a license,” Mariner stated. “I’m a fully certified Starfleet pilot. It’s not my fault the local authorities didn’t recognize it. Not that they bothered to ask to see it in the first place…”
“Refusing to obey an order from Dessica II’s law enforcement officers,” Freeman snapped. “Getting into an aerial firefight with a patrol of said officers…”
“Hey, the cops were the ones who opened fire first,” Mariner defended. “And destroyed a ton of local property due to being such lousy shots.”
“Damaging the primary waterway of Dessica II’s aqueduct system,” Freeman glared.
“I unblocked it,” Mariner stared back. “That blocked aqueduct was the whole reason why Dessica II’s government was messed up in the first place. Everyone was more interested in assigning blame and arguing over resource allocation budgets instead of actually solving the problem.
“Shooting and stunning Chief Lundy with a phaser,” Freeman shot her defiant daughter a look.
“I was trying to help him relax,” Mariner said with a straight face. “Standing around the transporter room all day with tense muscles is really bad for one’s health. Plus, Lundy is always way too uptight.”
“Can it, Beckett! Your litany of outrageous excuses wouldn’t get you out of trouble this time!” Freeman snapped. “How could a single Starfleet officer end up causing so much trouble?”
“Uh, yeah. Right. A single officer,” Mariner whistled innocently. “I confess I did it all. Alone. It was just me the whole time.”
“And you’ll receive the full punishment too!” Freeman vowed. “There’s a reason why Starfleet officers are forbidden from beaming down to planets without the local government’s consent.”
“Well excuuuse me!” Mariner shot back with her voice dripping with sarcasm. “I’m sooo sorry for unblocking Dessica II’s primary aqueduct and saving thousands of people from experiencing a drought just because Starfleet regulations make some people too timid to cut through the gaggle of red tape made by the local bigwigs who were more concerned about fighting their private political turf wars than preventing their own people from dying of thirst!”
“That’s not the point, Beckett!” Freeman roared. “You didn’t even try coming to me or the ship’s other senior officers about finding a possible solution. You just blatantly ignored protocol and arrogantly took matters into your own hands while completely disregarding the consequences.”
“It worked, didn’t it?” Mariner pointed out. “The people are saved, the aqueduct is unblocked, the local government has been shamed into action. Heck, they even admitted to siphoning off the aqueduct maintenance funds for years which contributed to the whole blockage problem in the first place.”
“Arrrggghhh!” Freeman howled clutching her hair. “Do you even listen to yourself? Just because your disruptive methods somehow manage to have things miraculously turn out all right does not excuse you from taking responsibility for them. Or for disrespecting my authority and making me look like an inept, interfering fool to both the Dessican government and Starfleet Command!”
“Oh, great here we go again. Another self-righteous rant about respecting one’s superior officers,” Mariner drawled doing a mock clap. “And now, ladies, gentlemen and non-binaries. Here she is! The Baroness of Berating, the Duchess of Downers, the Queen of Complaining and Criticism herself: Captain Carol Freeman!”
“Quit clowning around, Beckett and listen up for once,” Freeman snapped fixing Mariner with a look. “Your behavior is getting out of hand. You need to respect the chain of command.”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever,” Mariner waved.
“Enough with all your disrespectful talk!” Freeman barked. “Desist blowing me off! Or I’ll blow you right out an airlock!”
“Eh, wouldn’t be the first time,” Mariner quipped.
“Aggghhh!” Freeman yelled pointing a finger at Mariner. “Setting aside our ranks, like you are used to!” She gave her daughter a warning look. “If you mess with Mama, Mama will mess with you!”
“Like you haven’t done that before,” Mariner grumbled. “Even before I joined Starfleet.”
“Watch it, missy!” Freeman snapped bracing herself with her hands while leaning across her desk. “Quit acting all flip! Like you often do! If you tick off Mama, Mama will strangle you!”
“Now who’s breaking regulations?” Mariner quipped.
“You’re the kind of errant maverick that discipline forlorns!” Freeman ranted at Mariner. “But now you’ve gone provoked the bull! So you will get the horns!”
“I’d rather get a drink,” Mariner said. “Heaven knows I could use one after listening to another mother-daughter scolding.”
“Don’t you bring a scandal! To my ship or crew!” Freeman warned. “If you disgrace Mama, Mama will bury you!”
“Like that’ll ever happen,” Mariner scoffed. “I’m about as likely to bring shame and scandal to the Cerritos as you are.”
“When you break rules or regs! Commit some taboo!” Freeman glared pointing a finger at Mariner. “If you disrupt Mama, Mama will disrupt you!”
“Though not with an actual disruptor,” Mariner remarked. “You’re just being metaphorical, right? Right?”
“Don’t you know this fist, can beat you black and blue?” Freeman snapped raising a hand. “If you annoy Mama, Mama will pummel you!”
“Hey, that’s child abuse!” Mariner protested. “And inappropriate behavior becoming a superior officer. This is the twenty-fourth century! We’re supposed to have evolved beyond such primitive displays of petty corporal punishment!”
“The fallout from your every mess, is stressing out my brain!” Freeman shot back with a bulging vein on her forehead. “So stop causing such wild madness! And driving me insane!”
“Must be a short trip,” Mariner quipped.
“Like playing Sherlock Holmes! Here’s a little clue!” Freeman glared at Mariner dangerously. “If you shake up Mama, Mama will throttle you!”
“Eh, I was never really into Sherlock Holmes,” Mariner waved. “I was always more of an Irene Adler kind of girl. Hmmm, I wonder what an Irene Adler hologram character would be like?”
“There is one guaranteed outcome that is certain to ensue,” Freeman declared shooting a final look at Mariner. “When you tick off Mama, Mama will lock up yooou!”
“Yeah, yeah. What else is new?” Mariner drawled as a pair of Security officers entered the room before dragging her away to the Brig. “Live long and prosper, Carol.”
“Auuuggghhhhhh! Not again!” Freeman howled banging her head on her desk. “And people say children are the greatest joy in life. What they don’t mention is that children are also the greatest aggravation!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song “When You’re Good to Mama”.
