Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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Inspection Insanity
“Welcome aboard the Cerritos, Commander Schenkkan,” Captain Freeman greeted standing in Transporter Room One.
“Thank you, Captain,” A tall, thin Delbian replied stepping off the transporter pad. She carried a small traveling satchel, padd and was meticulously groomed.
“I must say I’m surprised Starfleet sent only a single officer to conduct a ship-wide inspection,” Freeman commented escorting her out of the room. “I was expecting a full team.”
“I assure you Captain, I am well-versed in all matters concerning starship operations, regulations, procedures, personnel evaluations and protocols,” Schenkkan said confidently. “Moreover, full inspection teams are usually assigned to inspect Starfleet’s more distinguished, front-line ships. A single inspector such as myself is more than capable of handling a third-class vessel like the Cerritos.
“I see,” Freeman frowned looking rather miffed. “Well, we may not be a shiny new Sovereign- or Luna-class ship, but I’d match my crew up against any other crew in the fleet. They are a well-oiled team of consummate professionals…”
“Billups to Captain Freeman,” The Cerritos’ chief engineer suddenly chirped over the ship’s intercom. “We’re having a problem with the conference rooms, Captain. They’ve all been flooded with whipped cream and rice pudding again!”
“They what?” Schenkkan raised an eyebrow.
“Uh, sorry Mr. Billups. There must be something wrong with the communicators. They seem to be spouting gibberish,” Freeman coughed tapping her combadge. “I’ll meet with you in a minute.” She quickly deactivated her combadge. “Excuse me, Commander. I must investigate and correct this strange anomaly in the communication system.”
“Really?” Schenkkan looked at her skeptically.
“Yes. You know me. I’m a real hands-on kind of captain,” Freeman laughed nervously. “I like to deal with even the smallest ship issues personally.” She quickly glanced around for another officer to take over for her. “You! Ensign!”
“Yes, Captain?” Boimler replied strolling down the corridor.
“Escort Commander Schenkkan to VIP quarters and cooperate fully with any requests or inquiries she may make,” Freeman ordered before hissing in his ear. “Just make sure to avoid any embarrassing answers or situations.”
“Uh, yes sir,” Boimler blinked.
“Good,” Freeman muttered before giving Schenkkan a reassuring smile. “Commander.”
“Captain,” Schenkkan nodded back as Freeman swiftly took off.
“Okay. So, VIP quarters,” Boimler addressed Schenkkan. “Would you like the standard or the deluxe suite? The deluxe suite comes with its own hot tub…”
“Never mind that now, Ensign,” Schenkkan waved. “I will retire to my quarters later. I am here to conduct a thorough ship-wide inspection and have only two weeks to complete it. There is not a moment to lose.”
“You’re conducting an inspection?” Boimler’s eyes widened. “That’s great! I’m sure you’ll be very impressed with the Cerritos.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” Schenkkan sniffed consulting her padd. “I’d like to start off by interviewing the ship’s First Officer.”
“Commander Ransom? He’s in Sickbay,” Boimler gestured in its general direction. “Please follow me.”
“Sickbay? That’s unusual,” Schenkkan commented as they headed down the corridor. “Does Commander Ransom spend a lot of time there?”
“Depends on the mission and the aftermath of his latest amor…I mean, activities,” Boimler coughed innocently. “So, you’re a starship inspector. That must be amazing. I don’t suppose you need an assistant? Someone to keep notes, manage schedules, deal with paperwork…”
“Hello, Ensign Boimler,” Ms. Arnemann, one of the Cerritos’ child care providers appeared leading a group of kindergarteners. “Ready to help me chaperone a field trip to Cetacean Ops?”
“What?” Boimler yelped, surprised. “What are you talking about? I didn’t volunteer for that.”
“Yes, you did,” Arnemann said. “Ensign Mariner mentioned it and assured me she’d get Commander Ransom’s approval after handling out sweet treats to all the kids.”
“She what?!” Boimler blanched. “Uh, sorry Ms. Arnemann, but there’s been a change of plan. Commander Schenkkan is here to inspect the ship and I’m going to be her assistant…”
“Oh, don’t let me interfere with your duties, Ensign,” Schenkkan waved absently. “I am quite capable of inspecting a starship on my own.”
“Yay!” The group of excited kindergarteners cheered and mobbed Boimler. “We get to play with Mr. Boim-Boim again!”
“Wahhh! Ow! Hey, watch the hair!” Boimler cried as he was dragged away by the mob of hyperactive kindergarteners. “You don’t understand! These kids are crazy! Help! Save me! Noooooo!”
“Hmmm, what a strange young man,” Schenkkan made a note on her padd as Arnemann left with a wailing Boimler and her charges. “Imagine a Starfleet officer being afraid of children.”
Schenkkan used a panel to get further directions to Sickbay. She easily followed the directions, stepped through the Medical seal-emblazoned doors and hailed a passing nurse. “Excuse me, I’m looking for Commander Ransom.”
“He’s over there,” Nurse Westlake pointed at a nearby biobed. “We’re just prepping him for surgery.”
“Surgery?” Schenkkan frowned. “I hope it is nothing life-threatening.”
“Oh, not at all,” Westlake assured her. “He’s just pregnant.”
“He’s what?” Schenkkan did a double-take.
“This is so humiliating,” Ransom groaned lying bare-chested on the biobed with a very protruding belly. “The stretch marks left over from this are going to totally ruin my abs.”
“Oh, happy day! Happy, happy, happy day!” Lieutenant Commander Stevens cheered sitting next to him. “You’re going to be a father, sir! It must have happened during your date with that Xyrillian captain last week. Soon you’ll have a little baby of your very own!”
“More than one actually,” Westlake checked the readings. “You’re carrying triplets.”
“WHAT?!” Schenkkan was stunned.
“Really? That’s great!” Stevens cheered. “Imagine, a whole squad of Ransom juniors!”
“Perish the thought,” One of the medtechs muttered.
“Not exactly. Only female Xyrillians pass genetic material to their progeny,” Westlake corrected. “We’ll remove the embryos and place them in medical incubators before delivering them back to their mother.”
“Awww,” Stevens sighed patting Ransom’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, sir. I’m sure you’ll have your own little Ransom junior someday.”
“Thanks, little buddy,” Ransom smiled before noticing Schenkkan. “Hello. Can I help you?”
“Uh, yes. I’m Commander Schenkkan,” Schenkkan attempted to hide her shock. “I’m conducting an inspection of the Cerritos. I came to interview you, but I can see you are obviously occupied…”
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Ransom waved. “This kind of thing happens all the time. Well, not the pregnancy bit, but recovering from a blind alien date is. Like the time I went out with this really hot Boslic who stole my heart along with a few other internal organs…”
“Never mind,” Schenkkan did an immediate about-face. “I’ll continue your interview some other time.”
“Great! We’ll do lunch!” Ransom grinned as Schenkkan quickly exited Sickbay. “Speaking of which, I suddenly have the strangest craving for stuffed Wentlian condor snake.”
“Okay, that certainly was unexpected,” Schenkkan steadied herself as she headed down the corridor. “Still, I suppose every starship has its resident colorful character. I’m sure the rest of the crew is much more professional…”
“Hey, you’re a Starfleet inspector, right?” Lieutenant Levy suddenly popped up in front of her.
“Um, yes,” Schenkkan blinked, surprised.
“Great! So tell me, what really happened during the so-called ‘Dominion War’?” Levy asked making air quotes with his fingers.
“Excuse me?” Schenkkan gave him a look. “What are you talking about?”
“And the whole Wolf 359 thing,” Levy went on. “It was obviously an inside job, but by who? And for what purpose?”
“What?” Schenkkan looked appalled. “Are you seriously suggesting two of the most tragic events in recent Federation history involving the loss of thousands if not millions of lives were false?! What kind of sick, insensitive person are you?”
“Oh, never mind. I should have known you’d be in on the cover ups,” Levy waved walking away. “But it won’t do you any good. The truth will come out someday!”
“Why I’ve never!” Schenkkan huffed struggling to regain her composure. “How could such an oblivious ignoramus like that ever get in to Starfleet?”
“Hi there!” Jet greeted sauntering down the corridor carrying a plate piled with food. “Can I help you, sir?”
“No thank you,” Schenkkan declined while frowning at Jet’s appearance. “You really should not be eating food in the hallways, Ensign.”
“Sorry, sir. Can’t help it,” Jet gave a friendly, easygoing smile. “Street food just isn’t the same unless you walk about while eating it.” He innocently held up the plate. “Can I interest you in a tamale? They’re non-replicated.”
“Well, perhaps,” Schenkkan carefully eyed the plate’s contents. “Sampling the shipboard cuisine is part of my inspection.” She took a proffered napkin and tamale from Jet before taking a small bite. “AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
“Good, aren’t they?” Jet grinned eating another tamale. “Made with Klingon skull peppers, the spiciest substance in the known galaxy!”
“OH MY GOSH THAT’S HOT!” Schenkkan screamed breaking into a sweat while hopping around in panic. “AAAGGGHHHHHH! THIS STUFF IS MELTING MY FACE! MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE! HELP! WATER! WATER! WATER! YEEEOOOWWW!”
“Huh, some people just can’t stomach real street food,” Jet commented as Schenkkan ran off. He casually bit into another tamale. “Dang, that’s good!”
“YAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Schenkkan’s eyes filled with tears as she blindly ran down the corridor. “I FEEL LIKE I’M BREATHING FLAMES! I’M GOING TO DIE! HELP! WATER! LIQUID OXYGEN! ANYTHING…!”
BLOOORRRP!
“Accckkkkkk!” Schenkkan yelped as she was suddenly covered by a torrent of slick, medical-grade goo. “What the…?”
“Ha, ha!” Ensign Karavitus and a squad from Delta shift peeked around the corner. “Got ya again, Beta shifters…oops!”
“Uh oh. That’s not a Beta shifter,” One of her fellow ensigns gulped. “Run!”
“Bleah!” Schenkkan spat as she stumbled out from the enormous mound of goo now piled up in the hallway. “Yuck! Ohhh, this stuff slightly helped dull the pain in my mouth. Too bad it didn’t also numb the pain in my brain!” She unsteadily staggered through a pair of nearby doors. “I could really use a high-frequency sonic shower right about now…”
“‘Bout time you showed up, Jennifer,” A blindfolded Mariner smiled standing in the middle of the ship’s phaser range. “And here I thought you didn’t have the guts to face me girl-to-girl!”
“Huh?” Schenkkan blinked disorientedly. “Wait, I’m not…”
“This will settle our bet on who’s handier with a phaser,” Mariner grinned taking a swig from a curved, amber bottle. “Lucky for you I’m handicapping myself with a blindfold. Unlucky for you, I’m a much better shot when I’m drunk!”
“You’re drinking on duty?” Schenkkan blurted out the first thought that came to mind. “That’s completely against Starfleet regulations…AAAHHHHHH!” She yelped as Mariner began firing the phaser at her.
“C’mon, Jen!” Mariner whooped downing and firing off more shots. “If I can handle multiple opponents at anbo-jyutsu, I sure the heck can handle you!”
“WAAAUUUGGGHHH!” Schenkkan screamed running around desperately attempting to avoid being hit. “ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU ARE GOING TO KILL SOMEBODY! NAMELY ME!”
“Don’t worry, Jen. My phaser’s set on stun,” Mariner waved. “I think…”
“AAAGGGHHHHHH!” Schenkkan shrieked running out of the room. “I’m surrounded by crazy people! I have to get off this ship!”
Schenkkan frantically ran down the corridor before bursting into the nearest transporter room. “You! Beam me out of here! I don’t care where you transport me to, just so long as it isn’t aboard the Cerritos!”
“Uh, sorry. Can’t do that right now,” Ensign Fletcher replied standing behind the controls. “All transporters just went offline.”
“WHAT?!” Schenkkan yelled. “WHY?”
“Um…aliens! Stinking aliens!” Fletcher said quickly while attempting to hide the pile of broken isolinear chips he had removed from an exposed wall panel. “Yeah, that’s it! They snuck aboard and sabotaged the transporters! They’re always ruining all of my hard work!”
“WHAT?! AAAGGGHHHHHH!” Schenkkan screamed and ran out of the room only to be knocked down.
“HELP! OUTTA THE WAY!” Boimler frantically hopped down the corridor tied up with children’s toys. “SOMEBODY SAVE ME!”
“Come back, Mr. Boim-Boim!” A crowd of excited kids chased after him running over Schenkkan’s prone form. “We still need you to help us with our submerging experiments!”
“NOOOOOOOOO!” Boimler shrieked diving head-first into an open Jefferies tube with the pack of kids hot on his heels.
“Ohhh, my spleen,” Schenkkan moaned slowly staggering to her feet. “The shuttlebay. I’ll steal a shuttle and fly it out myself if I have to!” She spied a nearby turbolift and quickly made a beeline for it. “Anything to get away from these maniacs!”
“Huh?” Rutherford looked up from where he had been working half-buried inside a nearby access panel. “Wait! That turbolift is closed. I’m trying out a new upgrade configuration…”
“I don’t care! Stand aside!” Schenkkan snapped brushing aside the warning sign and punching the controls. The turbolift doors parted to reveal Lieutenant Shaxs and Doctor T’Ana locked in a passionate embrace. “WHAT THE HECK?!”
“Hey, this turbolift’s occupied!” Shaxs barked. “Find another!”
“Sheesh, what do we have to do to get a little privacy aboard this ship?” T’Ana gave an annoyed growl.
“Whaaa?” Rutherford gaped, stunned.
“Baby Bear, I’d consider it a personal favor if you kept this ‘meeting’ secret,” Shaxs glared at him. “Especially from the captain.”
“Uh, okey-dokey,” Rutherford blinked. “But why are you kissing…uh, I mean meeting in a closed turbolift?”
“We wanted a place no one else would use,” T’Ana glared at Schenkkan. “At least no one sane.”
“I don’t care if you two have a clutch of amphibious babies in this turbolift!” Schenkkan staggered in and slapped the panel signaling the doors to close. “Just as long as it helps get me off this ship! Computer, shuttlebay!”
“Wait! Don’t…!” Shaxs and T’Ana warned.
WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!
“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Schenkkan yelled as the turbolift rose at an incredibly swift speed. It suddenly halted for a moment before plummeting like a rock.
“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!” All three officers shrieked.
“YOU IDIOT, COMMANDER SIR!” Shaxs roared. “YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO USE A TURBOLIFT UNDERGOING MAINTENANCE UPGRADES!”
“WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!” Schenkkan wailed as the turbolift abruptly lurched and took off sideways.
“THE BIG WARNING SIGN HANGING OUTSIDE IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A CLUE!” T’Ana screeched as the trio were rattled around like beans in a tin can. “GAAAHHHHHH!” I’M GOING TO BE SICK!”
“AAAGGGHHHHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OFF ME!” Schenkkan cried as T’Ana clung to her. “YEEEOOOWWW! THOSE CLAWS ARE SHARP! OWIE! OWIE! OWIE!”
“STOP THAT AT ONCE!” Shaxs bellowed. “NOBODY’S GETTING MAULED IN HERE EXCEPT ME!”
“MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!” Schenkkan screeched.
WHUMP!
“Huh, it stopped,” Shaxs grunted sprawled on the floor.
“Thank goodness!” A very disheveled Schenkkan staggered out. “You people are crazy!”
“Same to you, sister!” T’Ana snapped before crawling onto Shaxs and closing the turbolift doors. “Now, where were we?”
“The shuttlebay,” Schenkkan gasped wobbling through the wide doors. “Salvation at last!” She stumbled into a waiting shuttle before collapsing into a chair. “Finally, I’m saved!”
“Hi there!” Tendi chirped sitting in the pilot’s seat. “I’ve been waiting for my latest flight instructor to show up. You are a fully certified pilot, right?”
“Uh, yes,” Schenkkan blinked, caught off guard.
“Great!” Tendi grinned closing the shuttle’s hatch. “I just finished running the pre-flight check. Let’s go!”
“Wait, where are we going…AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Schenkkan screamed as the shuttle roared out into space. “OH MY GOSH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET OUT OF THE NEBULA! DON’T JUMP THE ROGUE COMET! LOOK OUT FOR THE BLACK HOLE! GAHHH, RED ALERT! RED ALERT! NO, DON’T GO INTO THE NEUTRONIC STORM…ARE YOU PILOTING THIS SHUTTLE BACKWARDS?! ARE YOU INSANE?! WAAAHHHHHH, STOP WEAVING AMONG THE PLASMA EDDIES! OHHH, I’M GOING TO BE SICK! MY LIFE IS FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES! I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE SHIP…DID YOU JUST SET EVERY PLASMA EDDY ON FIRE?! GET US OUT OF HERE! NO, NOT LIKE THAT! YAAAHHHHHH! DON’T RIDE THE SHOCKWAVES LIKE AN ION SURFER! HELP! SAVE ME! WAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!”
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Five minutes later…
“Wheee, that was fun!” Tendi chirped crashing back into the Cerritos’ Main Shuttlebay. The poor shuttle was dented, scorched and missing its port nacelle. “What did you think, Commander? Commander?”
“Ahhh…ooo…eee…uhhh…” Schenkkan sat frozen in complete terror.
“That was the best piloting lesson yet!” Tendi grinned. “I even brought the shuttle back in one piece! Well, mostly. You’re a great teacher, Commander. We should do this again soon.”
“Eeekkk!” Tendi’s innocent suggestion finally shocked Schenkkan into motion. She frenetically tumbled out of the shuttle. “Never again…never, never again…”
“Commander Schenkkan,” Freeman strode up to her. “Sorry to have kept you waiting. The situation with the conference rooms…I mean, communicators has been resolved. So, shall we continue our tour of the ship or arrange interviews with the crew?”
“NO!” Schenkkan screamed grabbing Freeman by her uniform. “THESE PEOPLE ARE MAD! MAD I TELL YOU!”
“Accckkk!” Freeman choked as Schenkkan shook her like a rag doll.
“THIS SHIP IS A LOONEY BIN!” Schenkkan howled twitching uncontrollably. “STARFLEET SHOULD LOCK THE WHOLE THING UP IN A GIANT PADDED CELL AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!” She released Freeman, ran toward the forcefield separating the shuttlebay from deep space and desperately began clawing at it. “LET ME OUT OF HERE! HELP! DADDY!”
“Oh boy. Somebody call Security down here,” Freeman groaned as several nearby crewpersons attempted to restrain a hysterical Commander Schenkkan. “Along with a Medical team with a full load of tranquilizers!”
“Gee, what’s wrong with her? She seemed like such a nice person,” Tendi said exiting the shuttle. “Guess some people just don’t have what it takes to live aboard a starship.”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
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Inspection Insanity
“Welcome aboard the Cerritos, Commander Schenkkan,” Captain Freeman greeted standing in Transporter Room One.
“Thank you, Captain,” A tall, thin Delbian replied stepping off the transporter pad. She carried a small traveling satchel, padd and was meticulously groomed.
“I must say I’m surprised Starfleet sent only a single officer to conduct a ship-wide inspection,” Freeman commented escorting her out of the room. “I was expecting a full team.”
“I assure you Captain, I am well-versed in all matters concerning starship operations, regulations, procedures, personnel evaluations and protocols,” Schenkkan said confidently. “Moreover, full inspection teams are usually assigned to inspect Starfleet’s more distinguished, front-line ships. A single inspector such as myself is more than capable of handling a third-class vessel like the Cerritos.
“I see,” Freeman frowned looking rather miffed. “Well, we may not be a shiny new Sovereign- or Luna-class ship, but I’d match my crew up against any other crew in the fleet. They are a well-oiled team of consummate professionals…”
“Billups to Captain Freeman,” The Cerritos’ chief engineer suddenly chirped over the ship’s intercom. “We’re having a problem with the conference rooms, Captain. They’ve all been flooded with whipped cream and rice pudding again!”
“They what?” Schenkkan raised an eyebrow.
“Uh, sorry Mr. Billups. There must be something wrong with the communicators. They seem to be spouting gibberish,” Freeman coughed tapping her combadge. “I’ll meet with you in a minute.” She quickly deactivated her combadge. “Excuse me, Commander. I must investigate and correct this strange anomaly in the communication system.”
“Really?” Schenkkan looked at her skeptically.
“Yes. You know me. I’m a real hands-on kind of captain,” Freeman laughed nervously. “I like to deal with even the smallest ship issues personally.” She quickly glanced around for another officer to take over for her. “You! Ensign!”
“Yes, Captain?” Boimler replied strolling down the corridor.
“Escort Commander Schenkkan to VIP quarters and cooperate fully with any requests or inquiries she may make,” Freeman ordered before hissing in his ear. “Just make sure to avoid any embarrassing answers or situations.”
“Uh, yes sir,” Boimler blinked.
“Good,” Freeman muttered before giving Schenkkan a reassuring smile. “Commander.”
“Captain,” Schenkkan nodded back as Freeman swiftly took off.
“Okay. So, VIP quarters,” Boimler addressed Schenkkan. “Would you like the standard or the deluxe suite? The deluxe suite comes with its own hot tub…”
“Never mind that now, Ensign,” Schenkkan waved. “I will retire to my quarters later. I am here to conduct a thorough ship-wide inspection and have only two weeks to complete it. There is not a moment to lose.”
“You’re conducting an inspection?” Boimler’s eyes widened. “That’s great! I’m sure you’ll be very impressed with the Cerritos.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” Schenkkan sniffed consulting her padd. “I’d like to start off by interviewing the ship’s First Officer.”
“Commander Ransom? He’s in Sickbay,” Boimler gestured in its general direction. “Please follow me.”
“Sickbay? That’s unusual,” Schenkkan commented as they headed down the corridor. “Does Commander Ransom spend a lot of time there?”
“Depends on the mission and the aftermath of his latest amor…I mean, activities,” Boimler coughed innocently. “So, you’re a starship inspector. That must be amazing. I don’t suppose you need an assistant? Someone to keep notes, manage schedules, deal with paperwork…”
“Hello, Ensign Boimler,” Ms. Arnemann, one of the Cerritos’ child care providers appeared leading a group of kindergarteners. “Ready to help me chaperone a field trip to Cetacean Ops?”
“What?” Boimler yelped, surprised. “What are you talking about? I didn’t volunteer for that.”
“Yes, you did,” Arnemann said. “Ensign Mariner mentioned it and assured me she’d get Commander Ransom’s approval after handling out sweet treats to all the kids.”
“She what?!” Boimler blanched. “Uh, sorry Ms. Arnemann, but there’s been a change of plan. Commander Schenkkan is here to inspect the ship and I’m going to be her assistant…”
“Oh, don’t let me interfere with your duties, Ensign,” Schenkkan waved absently. “I am quite capable of inspecting a starship on my own.”
“Yay!” The group of excited kindergarteners cheered and mobbed Boimler. “We get to play with Mr. Boim-Boim again!”
“Wahhh! Ow! Hey, watch the hair!” Boimler cried as he was dragged away by the mob of hyperactive kindergarteners. “You don’t understand! These kids are crazy! Help! Save me! Noooooo!”
“Hmmm, what a strange young man,” Schenkkan made a note on her padd as Arnemann left with a wailing Boimler and her charges. “Imagine a Starfleet officer being afraid of children.”
Schenkkan used a panel to get further directions to Sickbay. She easily followed the directions, stepped through the Medical seal-emblazoned doors and hailed a passing nurse. “Excuse me, I’m looking for Commander Ransom.”
“He’s over there,” Nurse Westlake pointed at a nearby biobed. “We’re just prepping him for surgery.”
“Surgery?” Schenkkan frowned. “I hope it is nothing life-threatening.”
“Oh, not at all,” Westlake assured her. “He’s just pregnant.”
“He’s what?” Schenkkan did a double-take.
“This is so humiliating,” Ransom groaned lying bare-chested on the biobed with a very protruding belly. “The stretch marks left over from this are going to totally ruin my abs.”
“Oh, happy day! Happy, happy, happy day!” Lieutenant Commander Stevens cheered sitting next to him. “You’re going to be a father, sir! It must have happened during your date with that Xyrillian captain last week. Soon you’ll have a little baby of your very own!”
“More than one actually,” Westlake checked the readings. “You’re carrying triplets.”
“WHAT?!” Schenkkan was stunned.
“Really? That’s great!” Stevens cheered. “Imagine, a whole squad of Ransom juniors!”
“Perish the thought,” One of the medtechs muttered.
“Not exactly. Only female Xyrillians pass genetic material to their progeny,” Westlake corrected. “We’ll remove the embryos and place them in medical incubators before delivering them back to their mother.”
“Awww,” Stevens sighed patting Ransom’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, sir. I’m sure you’ll have your own little Ransom junior someday.”
“Thanks, little buddy,” Ransom smiled before noticing Schenkkan. “Hello. Can I help you?”
“Uh, yes. I’m Commander Schenkkan,” Schenkkan attempted to hide her shock. “I’m conducting an inspection of the Cerritos. I came to interview you, but I can see you are obviously occupied…”
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Ransom waved. “This kind of thing happens all the time. Well, not the pregnancy bit, but recovering from a blind alien date is. Like the time I went out with this really hot Boslic who stole my heart along with a few other internal organs…”
“Never mind,” Schenkkan did an immediate about-face. “I’ll continue your interview some other time.”
“Great! We’ll do lunch!” Ransom grinned as Schenkkan quickly exited Sickbay. “Speaking of which, I suddenly have the strangest craving for stuffed Wentlian condor snake.”
“Okay, that certainly was unexpected,” Schenkkan steadied herself as she headed down the corridor. “Still, I suppose every starship has its resident colorful character. I’m sure the rest of the crew is much more professional…”
“Hey, you’re a Starfleet inspector, right?” Lieutenant Levy suddenly popped up in front of her.
“Um, yes,” Schenkkan blinked, surprised.
“Great! So tell me, what really happened during the so-called ‘Dominion War’?” Levy asked making air quotes with his fingers.
“Excuse me?” Schenkkan gave him a look. “What are you talking about?”
“And the whole Wolf 359 thing,” Levy went on. “It was obviously an inside job, but by who? And for what purpose?”
“What?” Schenkkan looked appalled. “Are you seriously suggesting two of the most tragic events in recent Federation history involving the loss of thousands if not millions of lives were false?! What kind of sick, insensitive person are you?”
“Oh, never mind. I should have known you’d be in on the cover ups,” Levy waved walking away. “But it won’t do you any good. The truth will come out someday!”
“Why I’ve never!” Schenkkan huffed struggling to regain her composure. “How could such an oblivious ignoramus like that ever get in to Starfleet?”
“Hi there!” Jet greeted sauntering down the corridor carrying a plate piled with food. “Can I help you, sir?”
“No thank you,” Schenkkan declined while frowning at Jet’s appearance. “You really should not be eating food in the hallways, Ensign.”
“Sorry, sir. Can’t help it,” Jet gave a friendly, easygoing smile. “Street food just isn’t the same unless you walk about while eating it.” He innocently held up the plate. “Can I interest you in a tamale? They’re non-replicated.”
“Well, perhaps,” Schenkkan carefully eyed the plate’s contents. “Sampling the shipboard cuisine is part of my inspection.” She took a proffered napkin and tamale from Jet before taking a small bite. “AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
“Good, aren’t they?” Jet grinned eating another tamale. “Made with Klingon skull peppers, the spiciest substance in the known galaxy!”
“OH MY GOSH THAT’S HOT!” Schenkkan screamed breaking into a sweat while hopping around in panic. “AAAGGGHHHHHH! THIS STUFF IS MELTING MY FACE! MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE! HELP! WATER! WATER! WATER! YEEEOOOWWW!”
“Huh, some people just can’t stomach real street food,” Jet commented as Schenkkan ran off. He casually bit into another tamale. “Dang, that’s good!”
“YAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Schenkkan’s eyes filled with tears as she blindly ran down the corridor. “I FEEL LIKE I’M BREATHING FLAMES! I’M GOING TO DIE! HELP! WATER! LIQUID OXYGEN! ANYTHING…!”
BLOOORRRP!
“Accckkkkkk!” Schenkkan yelped as she was suddenly covered by a torrent of slick, medical-grade goo. “What the…?”
“Ha, ha!” Ensign Karavitus and a squad from Delta shift peeked around the corner. “Got ya again, Beta shifters…oops!”
“Uh oh. That’s not a Beta shifter,” One of her fellow ensigns gulped. “Run!”
“Bleah!” Schenkkan spat as she stumbled out from the enormous mound of goo now piled up in the hallway. “Yuck! Ohhh, this stuff slightly helped dull the pain in my mouth. Too bad it didn’t also numb the pain in my brain!” She unsteadily staggered through a pair of nearby doors. “I could really use a high-frequency sonic shower right about now…”
“‘Bout time you showed up, Jennifer,” A blindfolded Mariner smiled standing in the middle of the ship’s phaser range. “And here I thought you didn’t have the guts to face me girl-to-girl!”
“Huh?” Schenkkan blinked disorientedly. “Wait, I’m not…”
“This will settle our bet on who’s handier with a phaser,” Mariner grinned taking a swig from a curved, amber bottle. “Lucky for you I’m handicapping myself with a blindfold. Unlucky for you, I’m a much better shot when I’m drunk!”
“You’re drinking on duty?” Schenkkan blurted out the first thought that came to mind. “That’s completely against Starfleet regulations…AAAHHHHHH!” She yelped as Mariner began firing the phaser at her.
“C’mon, Jen!” Mariner whooped downing and firing off more shots. “If I can handle multiple opponents at anbo-jyutsu, I sure the heck can handle you!”
“WAAAUUUGGGHHH!” Schenkkan screamed running around desperately attempting to avoid being hit. “ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU ARE GOING TO KILL SOMEBODY! NAMELY ME!”
“Don’t worry, Jen. My phaser’s set on stun,” Mariner waved. “I think…”
“AAAGGGHHHHHH!” Schenkkan shrieked running out of the room. “I’m surrounded by crazy people! I have to get off this ship!”
Schenkkan frantically ran down the corridor before bursting into the nearest transporter room. “You! Beam me out of here! I don’t care where you transport me to, just so long as it isn’t aboard the Cerritos!”
“Uh, sorry. Can’t do that right now,” Ensign Fletcher replied standing behind the controls. “All transporters just went offline.”
“WHAT?!” Schenkkan yelled. “WHY?”
“Um…aliens! Stinking aliens!” Fletcher said quickly while attempting to hide the pile of broken isolinear chips he had removed from an exposed wall panel. “Yeah, that’s it! They snuck aboard and sabotaged the transporters! They’re always ruining all of my hard work!”
“WHAT?! AAAGGGHHHHHH!” Schenkkan screamed and ran out of the room only to be knocked down.
“HELP! OUTTA THE WAY!” Boimler frantically hopped down the corridor tied up with children’s toys. “SOMEBODY SAVE ME!”
“Come back, Mr. Boim-Boim!” A crowd of excited kids chased after him running over Schenkkan’s prone form. “We still need you to help us with our submerging experiments!”
“NOOOOOOOOO!” Boimler shrieked diving head-first into an open Jefferies tube with the pack of kids hot on his heels.
“Ohhh, my spleen,” Schenkkan moaned slowly staggering to her feet. “The shuttlebay. I’ll steal a shuttle and fly it out myself if I have to!” She spied a nearby turbolift and quickly made a beeline for it. “Anything to get away from these maniacs!”
“Huh?” Rutherford looked up from where he had been working half-buried inside a nearby access panel. “Wait! That turbolift is closed. I’m trying out a new upgrade configuration…”
“I don’t care! Stand aside!” Schenkkan snapped brushing aside the warning sign and punching the controls. The turbolift doors parted to reveal Lieutenant Shaxs and Doctor T’Ana locked in a passionate embrace. “WHAT THE HECK?!”
“Hey, this turbolift’s occupied!” Shaxs barked. “Find another!”
“Sheesh, what do we have to do to get a little privacy aboard this ship?” T’Ana gave an annoyed growl.
“Whaaa?” Rutherford gaped, stunned.
“Baby Bear, I’d consider it a personal favor if you kept this ‘meeting’ secret,” Shaxs glared at him. “Especially from the captain.”
“Uh, okey-dokey,” Rutherford blinked. “But why are you kissing…uh, I mean meeting in a closed turbolift?”
“We wanted a place no one else would use,” T’Ana glared at Schenkkan. “At least no one sane.”
“I don’t care if you two have a clutch of amphibious babies in this turbolift!” Schenkkan staggered in and slapped the panel signaling the doors to close. “Just as long as it helps get me off this ship! Computer, shuttlebay!”
“Wait! Don’t…!” Shaxs and T’Ana warned.
WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!
“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Schenkkan yelled as the turbolift rose at an incredibly swift speed. It suddenly halted for a moment before plummeting like a rock.
“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!” All three officers shrieked.
“YOU IDIOT, COMMANDER SIR!” Shaxs roared. “YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO USE A TURBOLIFT UNDERGOING MAINTENANCE UPGRADES!”
“WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!” Schenkkan wailed as the turbolift abruptly lurched and took off sideways.
“THE BIG WARNING SIGN HANGING OUTSIDE IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A CLUE!” T’Ana screeched as the trio were rattled around like beans in a tin can. “GAAAHHHHHH!” I’M GOING TO BE SICK!”
“AAAGGGHHHHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OFF ME!” Schenkkan cried as T’Ana clung to her. “YEEEOOOWWW! THOSE CLAWS ARE SHARP! OWIE! OWIE! OWIE!”
“STOP THAT AT ONCE!” Shaxs bellowed. “NOBODY’S GETTING MAULED IN HERE EXCEPT ME!”
“MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!” Schenkkan screeched.
WHUMP!
“Huh, it stopped,” Shaxs grunted sprawled on the floor.
“Thank goodness!” A very disheveled Schenkkan staggered out. “You people are crazy!”
“Same to you, sister!” T’Ana snapped before crawling onto Shaxs and closing the turbolift doors. “Now, where were we?”
“The shuttlebay,” Schenkkan gasped wobbling through the wide doors. “Salvation at last!” She stumbled into a waiting shuttle before collapsing into a chair. “Finally, I’m saved!”
“Hi there!” Tendi chirped sitting in the pilot’s seat. “I’ve been waiting for my latest flight instructor to show up. You are a fully certified pilot, right?”
“Uh, yes,” Schenkkan blinked, caught off guard.
“Great!” Tendi grinned closing the shuttle’s hatch. “I just finished running the pre-flight check. Let’s go!”
“Wait, where are we going…AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Schenkkan screamed as the shuttle roared out into space. “OH MY GOSH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET OUT OF THE NEBULA! DON’T JUMP THE ROGUE COMET! LOOK OUT FOR THE BLACK HOLE! GAHHH, RED ALERT! RED ALERT! NO, DON’T GO INTO THE NEUTRONIC STORM…ARE YOU PILOTING THIS SHUTTLE BACKWARDS?! ARE YOU INSANE?! WAAAHHHHHH, STOP WEAVING AMONG THE PLASMA EDDIES! OHHH, I’M GOING TO BE SICK! MY LIFE IS FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES! I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE SHIP…DID YOU JUST SET EVERY PLASMA EDDY ON FIRE?! GET US OUT OF HERE! NO, NOT LIKE THAT! YAAAHHHHHH! DON’T RIDE THE SHOCKWAVES LIKE AN ION SURFER! HELP! SAVE ME! WAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!”
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Five minutes later…
“Wheee, that was fun!” Tendi chirped crashing back into the Cerritos’ Main Shuttlebay. The poor shuttle was dented, scorched and missing its port nacelle. “What did you think, Commander? Commander?”
“Ahhh…ooo…eee…uhhh…” Schenkkan sat frozen in complete terror.
“That was the best piloting lesson yet!” Tendi grinned. “I even brought the shuttle back in one piece! Well, mostly. You’re a great teacher, Commander. We should do this again soon.”
“Eeekkk!” Tendi’s innocent suggestion finally shocked Schenkkan into motion. She frenetically tumbled out of the shuttle. “Never again…never, never again…”
“Commander Schenkkan,” Freeman strode up to her. “Sorry to have kept you waiting. The situation with the conference rooms…I mean, communicators has been resolved. So, shall we continue our tour of the ship or arrange interviews with the crew?”
“NO!” Schenkkan screamed grabbing Freeman by her uniform. “THESE PEOPLE ARE MAD! MAD I TELL YOU!”
“Accckkk!” Freeman choked as Schenkkan shook her like a rag doll.
“THIS SHIP IS A LOONEY BIN!” Schenkkan howled twitching uncontrollably. “STARFLEET SHOULD LOCK THE WHOLE THING UP IN A GIANT PADDED CELL AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!” She released Freeman, ran toward the forcefield separating the shuttlebay from deep space and desperately began clawing at it. “LET ME OUT OF HERE! HELP! DADDY!”
“Oh boy. Somebody call Security down here,” Freeman groaned as several nearby crewpersons attempted to restrain a hysterical Commander Schenkkan. “Along with a Medical team with a full load of tranquilizers!”
“Gee, what’s wrong with her? She seemed like such a nice person,” Tendi said exiting the shuttle. “Guess some people just don’t have what it takes to live aboard a starship.”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
