Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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From the Mixed-Up Logs of the U.S.S. Cerritos
First Officer’s log, stardate 57582.3. The Cerritos is en route to Landris II in order to rendezvous with the U.S.S. Hood to deliver vital supplies in support of their various ongoing archaeological excavations. Afterwards, the Cerritos may stay in the Landris system for a day or two to assist in conducting scans, systems upgrades and possibly swap a few crew rotations with the Hood depending on their needs, schedules and how many victims Captain DeSoto manages to lure into playing a few ‘friendly’ games of Go. Personally, I’m more interested in participating in a multi-ship karaoke competition and mingling with the Hood’s female officers to see if any of them would be interesting in having drinks, dinner and ‘dessert’. End log.
Ensign Mariner’s personal log, stardate 57582.6. Another day, another lame-o mission. Making a supply run to help a bunch of science nerds dig and play around in the dirt. Why couldn’t Starfleet assign a cargo ship to haul and deliver this stuff? That’s literally what cargo ships are for! The Cerritos should be doing more exciting things like searching for missing disaster victims or blowing up planet-threatening asteroids, but noooo! We get stuck with cargo duty. Bo-ring! Still, it might not be too bad. Maybe we’ll get lucky and run into a group of artifact smugglers or something. Or fight off multiple gangs of tomb raiders, grave robbers and treasure hunters who try to loot the dig sites. One can only hope. End log.
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, stardate 57582.6. Today is shaping out to be a pretty good day. I received another very nice communique from Barbara last night, was given all my favorite duty assignments and heard there are a few open command division positions on the Hood, the ship we’re delivering supplies to. I’ve already applied for the position of alpha shift conn officer. Well, actually I applied for the position of conn officer across all their shifts just to increase my chances. The transfer may even include a promotion to lieutenant junior grade! Well okay, it probably won’t, but a guy can dream, can’t he? Anyway, transferring to the Hood would be a definite career boost and I’ve got a good feeling one of my applications will be the one that will finally be accepted. Especially if I manage to get some one-on-one face time with Captain DeSoto by beating him at Go. Until then I’ll be spending all my free time learning how to play the game. End log.
Ensign D’vana Tendi’s personal log, stardate 57582.6. I’ve finally started my very own side project in Medical! After studying the history of evolution of life on various planets, I designed and created my own hyper-speed simulation to promote and observe the development of new lifeforms and their associated physical adaptations. I’ll be able to control every conceivable variable and even a few unconceivable ones such as the availability of raw materials, potential predators, environmental factors, radiation levels and mutation rates. I plan to begin by zapping a primordial soup of inert organic material with high intensity electromagnetic radiation until something develops and then letting it go from there. It is my hope to eventually evolve a non-sentient lifeform with hyper-regenerative abilities which can then be duplicated to treat ship’s patients and help advance Starfleet’s ever continuing pursuit of Science! And if my project fails, I’ll just save the most evolved lifeform and keep it around as a pet. End log.
Ensign Rutherford’s personal log, stardate 57582.6. I’ve finished helping Tendi set up her hyper-speed evolution simulation. Hopefully she doesn’t end up creating a new lifeform that tries to eat the rest of the crew. I’m still cleaning up messes from the last time somebody did that. Sterilizing old blood and bodily fluid stains isn’t so bad; it’s replacing all the grates and bulkheads covered in claw and tooth marks that’s a real pain. Anyway, I plan to be spending the next few days crawling around Jefferies tubes. Billups is having me inspect all the ODN cables to try and track down unexplained fluctuations in the ship’s library computer processing rates. Might even have to check and harden all the relays to make sure they don’t blow out. Typical Billups, having me do all the tough, tedious and physically demanding work he claims he doesn’t have time to do himself. It’s the nicest thing he’s ever done for me! I gotta remember to thank him! End log.
Ensign Mariner’s personal log, stardate blah, blah, blah. Good news! Had a semi-decent start to today’s duty shift. Got assigned as backup bridge conn officer and manned the helm when we ran into a group of Yridian smugglers. I got to pilot the ship which made me happy, Shaxs got to fire on the Yridians when they tried to attack us which made him happy and the captain got to berate the Yridians with a long, drawn out speech about morals, ethics and a lot of other boring junk which made her happy. Of course, Cap couldn’t resist berating me and criticizing my performance in front of the entire bridge crew. So I shoved Ensign Bauza out of the pilot’s chair and took the helm myself once the Yridians fired on us, big deal! That bozo couldn’t fly his way out of an empty ale bottle! I prevented the ship from being fried by the Yridians, didn’t I? Okay, the Yridians managed to escape, but that wasn’t my fault! Their ship just up and disappeared without a trace! But did Freeman care? NO! She ignored all the sensor scans and pinned the blame solely on me! That woman always has to criticize and second-guess everything I do! Why can’t she just leave me alone and let me do my thing? I swear if I ever have kids I’ll never treat ‘em the same way Freeman treats hers! End log.
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, supplemental. I was busy calibrating the ship’s aft sensors while we fought off a band of Yridian smugglers earlier. It’s weird; their ship just appeared out of nowhere and vanished the same way. They must have had a cloaking device or something. No word yet on my Hood applications, but my hopes are still high. And I’m getting much better at Go. My win rate is already up to eighteen percent! I’ll be playing even with the computer in no time! End log.
Ensign D’vana Tendi’s personal log, supplemental. My evolution simulation is working! Life is evolving at an even faster pace than I expected. I’ve already classified several types of multicellular organisms with interesting biological morphologies and DNA sequences. Now it’s on to the invertebrates! I can’t wait to see what kind of amazing new lifeforms evolve next! End log.
Ensign Rutherford’s personal log, supplemental. I’ve finally tracked down those weird fluctuations in the computer system. One of the ODN relays looks like an exploded nest of cables. It’s even drawing extra power from neighboring EPS conduits. It’s not compromising their efficiency too much, but it is a highly complex mess. If I didn’t know better, I’d say the ship is spontaneously developing an entirely new miniature ODN matrix. It certainly looks like something out of a neurology textbook I saw when I transferred to Medical earlier this year. Further analysis is required. End log.
Ensign Mariner’s personal log, stardate yadda, yadda, you know the drill. Fought off another sudden alien attack today. That makes two in the last hour. Looked like a gang of Elasi pirates this time. Though it was kinda hard to see their ships from my position gazing out a window on Deck Seventeen. Stupid Captain Carol has me cleaning out the plasma junction rooms. I can’t believe I missed all the action! Too bad the Elasi didn’t try to board us. Now that would’ve been fun! I’d have kicked their sorry butts all the way back to Menalvagor and shown Mom what I’m really capable of! That’d learn her! End log.
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, supplemental. It’s here! My application to the Hood has been approved! I’m going to be their new alpha shift conn officer! And I’ll receive a promotion! Lieutenant, junior grade Boimler! Has a nice ring to it! Guess I didn’t need to learn how to play Go after all. Still, I’ll keep at it in case I get a chance to further impress Captain DeSoto. Wow, alpha shift conn officer on the Hood. This is a dream come true! Okay, it’s not the Titan or the Enterprise, but still it is a step up! Though it will be sad leaving all my friends behind on the Cerritos. I’ll miss them, but that’s part of having a life in Starfleet. Especially when it comes to promotions. I can’t wait to tell Barbara all about mine! Oh, and Mariner and the others too. End log.
Ensign D’vana Tendi’s personal log, supplemental. More exciting news! My latest evolved lifeforms are awesome! They’re a kind of marine arthropod similar to ancient Earth anomalocarids or Denebian proto-shrimp only with fewer spines and more fins. They’re so big I’ve had to build a new simulation tank and move it out of the medical lab. I’m keeping the tank in a supply closet for now. And the arthropods’ immune systems are showing potential regenerative properties that could be used as a model to create non-invasive surgical techniques to repair severe tissue disruptions and heavily damaged internal organs. And that’s just a fraction of their biological abilities! These new lifeforms are so incredible I half expect them to start flying around in a few more evolutions. I’ll just have to wait and see! End log.
Ensign Rutherford’s personal log, supplemental. This new ODN matrix is amazing! I don’t understand how this is possible! The relay I’ve been examining is forming new neural emission nodes and complex quantum processing lattices all on its own! It even possesses extensive self-replication and self-regenerative properties! I think the Cerritos is creating a new techno-organic lifeform! Or might be in the process of evolving itself! I’m monitoring all of the newly formed nodes constantly and am eagerly awaiting to see what forms next! End long.
Ensign Mariner’s personal log, stardate who cares? Whoo-hoo! Yet another alien attack! This time by a pack of Lethean treasure hunters. They’ve boarded the ship and are engaging the crew in hand-to-hand combat! Well, more like hand-to-head telepathic combat. Dunno why they think our ship is carrying any treasured artifacts. You’d think they’d be smarter than that…HEY, I’M RECORDING A PERSONAL LOG HERE! CAN’T YOU STOP PAWING AT MY HEAD LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO FINISH? Man, these guys are rude! I’ll get back to this later. End log.
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, stardate…ugh, never mind! You would not believe what just happened to me! I was about to enter my favorite supply closet to begin this very log entry when some giant sea scorpion-like thing suddenly flew out the door! Seriously! Just flew through the air and nearly took my head off! It disappeared down the corridor before I could shoot it with a phaser! I peeked inside the supply closet and saw even more sea scorpion things swimming inside an overgrown, modified specimen tank. Then one of them phased right out of the tank like it had its own personal molecular phase inverter! Then the rest of them did the same thing before heading straight at me! I screamed and took off as the pack of flying sea scorpion things chased me through the ship! I finally managed to escape after running into a Lethean boarding party and leaving them and the flying sea scorpion things to tear into each other. I’ve been hiding out ever since…OH NO! THE FLYING SEA SCORPIONS FOUND ME! AAAGGGHHH! PHASER FIRE HAS NO EFFECT! THEIR ARMOR IS TOO THICK! HELP! GET AWAY FROM ME! WAAAHHHHHH!
Ensign D’vana Tendi’s personal log, supplemental. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that a batch of my experimental evolving lifeforms escaped the simulation tank. Don’t know how they did that. I only left them for a minute while I went to waste extraction. They showed such promising biology too! But the good news is their absence allowed an entirely new lifeform to evolve inside the tank. Some kind of blue-skinned, six-legged amphibian. It’s really cute! I’d love to study it immediately, but the ship is at Red Alert and we seem to have been boarded or something. I’ll have to check in on my evolution project later. End log.
Ensign Rutherford’s personal log, supplemental. This is so cool! I’m watching Starfleet technology literally grow, develop and evolve before my very eyes! New gadgets and devices are appearing faster than I can imagine uses for the previous ones! Each new iteration leads to another quantum leap in technological innovation more advanced and revolutionary than the last. Some of the devices have even become mobile and have taken off to parts unknown. I know this entire process is somehow breaking multiple laws of Physics, but I don’t care! This is every Starfleet engineer’s dream! Let the technological evolution continue! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ensign Mariner’s personal log, stardate Hammer Time! Man, this is great! More raider ships must’ve appeared because I’m fighting off a band of Nausicaans with a mek’leth in one hand, an ahn-woon in the other while chugging a bottle of Aldebaran whiskey held between my teeth! This is the life! No sooner do I take one squad of bad guys down than another squad pops in to take their place! I love it! There are even packs of wild, funky-looking animals wandering around the ship. And a few autonomous pieces of future-looking Starfleet tech too. They’re zapping boarding parties and helping mop up stragglers just long enough for me to take a quick breather and a drink or two between fights. Now this is the kind of action I sighed up for! YAHOOOOOO!
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, stardate Only Q Knows! How can this be happening?! This is definitely not the kind of thing I sighed up for! Starfleet’s mission is supposed to be one of peaceful exploration, not dealing with random, unimaginable chaos! Just as I start to think things can’t get any worse, they end up getting worse! Now a group of Borg have invaded the ship! Kelvans have invaded the ship! How the heck is that even possible?! They’re declaring everyone is inefficient and unessential! Especially me! This can’t be happening! It has to be a dream! It’s as if all my worst fears have come to life…AGGGHHHHHH! NOT THE FLYING SEA SCORPIONS AGAIN! AND A NEST OF GIANT FEATHERED SERPENTS TOO! HELP! SAVE ME! WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!
Ensign D’vana Tendi’s personal log, stardate Dazzled! My evolution project has taken on a life of its own! Dozens of new lifeforms are being born and evolving every second! I can create any kind of creature I can imagine! All the wonders of the universe are at my fingertips! The sky’s the limit! Come alive, my pretties! ALIVE! ALIVE! HEHEHEHEHE!
Ensign Rutherford’s personal log, stardate Euphoria! The technological singularity is upon us! Biology and technology will finally become one! Humanity will finally join the ranks of legendary figures like Captain Decker and V’ger! I never thought I’d live to see this day! TAKE ME NOW, TECHNOLOGY! I’M READY! I’M WILLING! I’M ABLE! YES! YES! YES!
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, stardate RIGHT NOW! AAAGGGHHHHHH! THIS IS INSANE! THE SHIP HAS GONE COMPLETELY NUTS! WE’RE FIGHTING OFF BOARDING PARTIES FROM EVERY HOSTILE SPECIES IN THE GALAXY! THE WEIRD ANIMALS AND LIVING TECH THINGS HAVE JOINED FORCES SO NOW I’M FLEEING FOR MY LIFE FROM A PACK OF THREE-HEADED CARNIVOROUS DINOSAURS WITH SHARP TEETH AND PHASERS ON THEIR HEADS! THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I’VE EVER SEEN! AND THE WORST PART IS I RECEIVED AN UNSATISFACTORY EFFICIENCY RATING ON MY RECORD…YAAAHHHHHH! HELP! THE PHASER-SHOOTING DINOS GOT ME! TELL MY MOTHER I LOVED HER! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ensign Mariner’s personal log, stardate whenever. Awww, the action is over already? But it was just getting good! One second I’m about to knock some scaly Vaadwaur’s head off, the next all the invaders suddenly disappear along with their ships, the herds of funky-looking animals and wandering robot attack packs. No notice, no warning, no witty last words, not even an after-action explanation from the captain. Talk about an anti-climactic ending! Fortunately, I managed to catch Ensign Barnes in the bar afterwards and pry the full story out of her. She’d been on the bridge the whole time and overheard all the relevant reports and communications.
Apparently, one of the Hood’s archeological teams stumbled upon an outpost of some lost, advanced ancient civilization on Landris II. Like the T'Kon or Kalandans or whatever. Anyway, those science nerds went and triggered some still functioning, stupidly powerful automated security system. Or maybe the thing was made for recreational use. Whatever it was, the system reacted by reading both our crew’s thoughts and manifesting illusions of all our desires, fears, day dreams and the like. You’d think Starfleet would’ve come up with some kind of mind reading defense by now considering how many times crews have encountered stuff like that over the years. Those stylus-necked desk jockeys probably spend more time worrying about how to file and categorize such encounters instead of actually solving the problem.
Which is exactly what the Cerritos did! Well, indirectly anyway. Ya see, while the Hood’s crew tried to act all focused and serious in order to minimize their manifested illusions, the Cerritos’ crew just did our usual thing by letting our thoughts run wild and free like all truly great minds should! Us Lower Deckers fully embraced our inner chaos which turned out to be the key to the whole thing! Our thoughts were so numerous, crazy and insane they overloaded the ancient system’s ability to manifest illusions and forced it to initiate an emergency cooldown and reset procedure long enough for a team from the Hood to study, analyze and shut the whole shebang down.
Captain DeSoto explained all this when he hailed Captain Freeman and thanked her for the help. And Freeman had the gall to take credit for all of my hard work! She said and I quote, “One can always count on the Cerritos for the unorthodox”. Can you believe the nerve of that woman? She drives me so crazy! I’ll show her unorthodox! I’ll flood her quarters with gaseous cryonetrium while she’s on duty! Let’s see how she enjoys unorthodox behavior then! Hahahahaha! Wait. Computer, delete those last few sentences. Right after showing me where the ship’s supply of cryonetrium is stored…
Ensign D’vana Tendi’s personal log, stardate 57582.9. Well, the ship is back to normal and all casualties have been treated. All except for one. Unfortunately, my hyper-speed evolution simulation turned out to be a bust. None of my evolved lifeforms were real. They were all just false manifestations of my hopes and imagination. My real simulation didn’t evolve anything at all. Not even a microbe. How disappointing! Oh well, that just means I’m free to come up with a new side project! One from the infinite possibilities to choose from! End log.
Ensign Rutherford’s personal log, stardate 57582.9. Awww, the whole singularity event turned out to be false. Man, what a drag! But I did manage to fix that fluctuation in the ODN cables. I just had to apply a little percussive maintenance. Works every time! End log.
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, stardate unimportant. Ugh, this has been the worst mission ever! Not only was I nearly killed a hundred different times in a hundred different ways, but my accepted transfer application to the Hood was false too. It was just an illusion of my desires. I should have known! My applications never go through. At this rate I’ll never get a promotion. I’m doomed to be the Harry Kim of the Cerritos for the rest of my career. At least my romantic relationship with Barbara is real. That will never end. In fact, I’m gonna compose a long message to her right now. That should cheer me up. End log.
Captain’s log, stardate 57583.0. Thanks to the vital and trademark efforts of the Cerritos, the Landris system is safe once again. Our unique and invaluable support to the Hood proved decisive in neutralizing the threat of the ancient alien outpost. All minor damage suffered during the incident has been repaired and I am looking forward to some quiet time to relax and recover from our ordeal…WHAT THE DEVIL HAPPENED TO MY QUARTERS? IT LOOKS LIKE THE BREEN HOMEWORLD IN HERE! EVERYTHING IS FROZEN SOLID! WHO’S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?! AND WHERE’S MY PRIVATE STOCK OF KTARIAN MERLOT?! BECKETT!
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
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From the Mixed-Up Logs of the U.S.S. Cerritos
First Officer’s log, stardate 57582.3. The Cerritos is en route to Landris II in order to rendezvous with the U.S.S. Hood to deliver vital supplies in support of their various ongoing archaeological excavations. Afterwards, the Cerritos may stay in the Landris system for a day or two to assist in conducting scans, systems upgrades and possibly swap a few crew rotations with the Hood depending on their needs, schedules and how many victims Captain DeSoto manages to lure into playing a few ‘friendly’ games of Go. Personally, I’m more interested in participating in a multi-ship karaoke competition and mingling with the Hood’s female officers to see if any of them would be interesting in having drinks, dinner and ‘dessert’. End log.
Ensign Mariner’s personal log, stardate 57582.6. Another day, another lame-o mission. Making a supply run to help a bunch of science nerds dig and play around in the dirt. Why couldn’t Starfleet assign a cargo ship to haul and deliver this stuff? That’s literally what cargo ships are for! The Cerritos should be doing more exciting things like searching for missing disaster victims or blowing up planet-threatening asteroids, but noooo! We get stuck with cargo duty. Bo-ring! Still, it might not be too bad. Maybe we’ll get lucky and run into a group of artifact smugglers or something. Or fight off multiple gangs of tomb raiders, grave robbers and treasure hunters who try to loot the dig sites. One can only hope. End log.
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, stardate 57582.6. Today is shaping out to be a pretty good day. I received another very nice communique from Barbara last night, was given all my favorite duty assignments and heard there are a few open command division positions on the Hood, the ship we’re delivering supplies to. I’ve already applied for the position of alpha shift conn officer. Well, actually I applied for the position of conn officer across all their shifts just to increase my chances. The transfer may even include a promotion to lieutenant junior grade! Well okay, it probably won’t, but a guy can dream, can’t he? Anyway, transferring to the Hood would be a definite career boost and I’ve got a good feeling one of my applications will be the one that will finally be accepted. Especially if I manage to get some one-on-one face time with Captain DeSoto by beating him at Go. Until then I’ll be spending all my free time learning how to play the game. End log.
Ensign D’vana Tendi’s personal log, stardate 57582.6. I’ve finally started my very own side project in Medical! After studying the history of evolution of life on various planets, I designed and created my own hyper-speed simulation to promote and observe the development of new lifeforms and their associated physical adaptations. I’ll be able to control every conceivable variable and even a few unconceivable ones such as the availability of raw materials, potential predators, environmental factors, radiation levels and mutation rates. I plan to begin by zapping a primordial soup of inert organic material with high intensity electromagnetic radiation until something develops and then letting it go from there. It is my hope to eventually evolve a non-sentient lifeform with hyper-regenerative abilities which can then be duplicated to treat ship’s patients and help advance Starfleet’s ever continuing pursuit of Science! And if my project fails, I’ll just save the most evolved lifeform and keep it around as a pet. End log.
Ensign Rutherford’s personal log, stardate 57582.6. I’ve finished helping Tendi set up her hyper-speed evolution simulation. Hopefully she doesn’t end up creating a new lifeform that tries to eat the rest of the crew. I’m still cleaning up messes from the last time somebody did that. Sterilizing old blood and bodily fluid stains isn’t so bad; it’s replacing all the grates and bulkheads covered in claw and tooth marks that’s a real pain. Anyway, I plan to be spending the next few days crawling around Jefferies tubes. Billups is having me inspect all the ODN cables to try and track down unexplained fluctuations in the ship’s library computer processing rates. Might even have to check and harden all the relays to make sure they don’t blow out. Typical Billups, having me do all the tough, tedious and physically demanding work he claims he doesn’t have time to do himself. It’s the nicest thing he’s ever done for me! I gotta remember to thank him! End log.
Ensign Mariner’s personal log, stardate blah, blah, blah. Good news! Had a semi-decent start to today’s duty shift. Got assigned as backup bridge conn officer and manned the helm when we ran into a group of Yridian smugglers. I got to pilot the ship which made me happy, Shaxs got to fire on the Yridians when they tried to attack us which made him happy and the captain got to berate the Yridians with a long, drawn out speech about morals, ethics and a lot of other boring junk which made her happy. Of course, Cap couldn’t resist berating me and criticizing my performance in front of the entire bridge crew. So I shoved Ensign Bauza out of the pilot’s chair and took the helm myself once the Yridians fired on us, big deal! That bozo couldn’t fly his way out of an empty ale bottle! I prevented the ship from being fried by the Yridians, didn’t I? Okay, the Yridians managed to escape, but that wasn’t my fault! Their ship just up and disappeared without a trace! But did Freeman care? NO! She ignored all the sensor scans and pinned the blame solely on me! That woman always has to criticize and second-guess everything I do! Why can’t she just leave me alone and let me do my thing? I swear if I ever have kids I’ll never treat ‘em the same way Freeman treats hers! End log.
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, supplemental. I was busy calibrating the ship’s aft sensors while we fought off a band of Yridian smugglers earlier. It’s weird; their ship just appeared out of nowhere and vanished the same way. They must have had a cloaking device or something. No word yet on my Hood applications, but my hopes are still high. And I’m getting much better at Go. My win rate is already up to eighteen percent! I’ll be playing even with the computer in no time! End log.
Ensign D’vana Tendi’s personal log, supplemental. My evolution simulation is working! Life is evolving at an even faster pace than I expected. I’ve already classified several types of multicellular organisms with interesting biological morphologies and DNA sequences. Now it’s on to the invertebrates! I can’t wait to see what kind of amazing new lifeforms evolve next! End log.
Ensign Rutherford’s personal log, supplemental. I’ve finally tracked down those weird fluctuations in the computer system. One of the ODN relays looks like an exploded nest of cables. It’s even drawing extra power from neighboring EPS conduits. It’s not compromising their efficiency too much, but it is a highly complex mess. If I didn’t know better, I’d say the ship is spontaneously developing an entirely new miniature ODN matrix. It certainly looks like something out of a neurology textbook I saw when I transferred to Medical earlier this year. Further analysis is required. End log.
Ensign Mariner’s personal log, stardate yadda, yadda, you know the drill. Fought off another sudden alien attack today. That makes two in the last hour. Looked like a gang of Elasi pirates this time. Though it was kinda hard to see their ships from my position gazing out a window on Deck Seventeen. Stupid Captain Carol has me cleaning out the plasma junction rooms. I can’t believe I missed all the action! Too bad the Elasi didn’t try to board us. Now that would’ve been fun! I’d have kicked their sorry butts all the way back to Menalvagor and shown Mom what I’m really capable of! That’d learn her! End log.
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, supplemental. It’s here! My application to the Hood has been approved! I’m going to be their new alpha shift conn officer! And I’ll receive a promotion! Lieutenant, junior grade Boimler! Has a nice ring to it! Guess I didn’t need to learn how to play Go after all. Still, I’ll keep at it in case I get a chance to further impress Captain DeSoto. Wow, alpha shift conn officer on the Hood. This is a dream come true! Okay, it’s not the Titan or the Enterprise, but still it is a step up! Though it will be sad leaving all my friends behind on the Cerritos. I’ll miss them, but that’s part of having a life in Starfleet. Especially when it comes to promotions. I can’t wait to tell Barbara all about mine! Oh, and Mariner and the others too. End log.
Ensign D’vana Tendi’s personal log, supplemental. More exciting news! My latest evolved lifeforms are awesome! They’re a kind of marine arthropod similar to ancient Earth anomalocarids or Denebian proto-shrimp only with fewer spines and more fins. They’re so big I’ve had to build a new simulation tank and move it out of the medical lab. I’m keeping the tank in a supply closet for now. And the arthropods’ immune systems are showing potential regenerative properties that could be used as a model to create non-invasive surgical techniques to repair severe tissue disruptions and heavily damaged internal organs. And that’s just a fraction of their biological abilities! These new lifeforms are so incredible I half expect them to start flying around in a few more evolutions. I’ll just have to wait and see! End log.
Ensign Rutherford’s personal log, supplemental. This new ODN matrix is amazing! I don’t understand how this is possible! The relay I’ve been examining is forming new neural emission nodes and complex quantum processing lattices all on its own! It even possesses extensive self-replication and self-regenerative properties! I think the Cerritos is creating a new techno-organic lifeform! Or might be in the process of evolving itself! I’m monitoring all of the newly formed nodes constantly and am eagerly awaiting to see what forms next! End long.
Ensign Mariner’s personal log, stardate who cares? Whoo-hoo! Yet another alien attack! This time by a pack of Lethean treasure hunters. They’ve boarded the ship and are engaging the crew in hand-to-hand combat! Well, more like hand-to-head telepathic combat. Dunno why they think our ship is carrying any treasured artifacts. You’d think they’d be smarter than that…HEY, I’M RECORDING A PERSONAL LOG HERE! CAN’T YOU STOP PAWING AT MY HEAD LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO FINISH? Man, these guys are rude! I’ll get back to this later. End log.
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, stardate…ugh, never mind! You would not believe what just happened to me! I was about to enter my favorite supply closet to begin this very log entry when some giant sea scorpion-like thing suddenly flew out the door! Seriously! Just flew through the air and nearly took my head off! It disappeared down the corridor before I could shoot it with a phaser! I peeked inside the supply closet and saw even more sea scorpion things swimming inside an overgrown, modified specimen tank. Then one of them phased right out of the tank like it had its own personal molecular phase inverter! Then the rest of them did the same thing before heading straight at me! I screamed and took off as the pack of flying sea scorpion things chased me through the ship! I finally managed to escape after running into a Lethean boarding party and leaving them and the flying sea scorpion things to tear into each other. I’ve been hiding out ever since…OH NO! THE FLYING SEA SCORPIONS FOUND ME! AAAGGGHHH! PHASER FIRE HAS NO EFFECT! THEIR ARMOR IS TOO THICK! HELP! GET AWAY FROM ME! WAAAHHHHHH!
Ensign D’vana Tendi’s personal log, supplemental. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that a batch of my experimental evolving lifeforms escaped the simulation tank. Don’t know how they did that. I only left them for a minute while I went to waste extraction. They showed such promising biology too! But the good news is their absence allowed an entirely new lifeform to evolve inside the tank. Some kind of blue-skinned, six-legged amphibian. It’s really cute! I’d love to study it immediately, but the ship is at Red Alert and we seem to have been boarded or something. I’ll have to check in on my evolution project later. End log.
Ensign Rutherford’s personal log, supplemental. This is so cool! I’m watching Starfleet technology literally grow, develop and evolve before my very eyes! New gadgets and devices are appearing faster than I can imagine uses for the previous ones! Each new iteration leads to another quantum leap in technological innovation more advanced and revolutionary than the last. Some of the devices have even become mobile and have taken off to parts unknown. I know this entire process is somehow breaking multiple laws of Physics, but I don’t care! This is every Starfleet engineer’s dream! Let the technological evolution continue! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ensign Mariner’s personal log, stardate Hammer Time! Man, this is great! More raider ships must’ve appeared because I’m fighting off a band of Nausicaans with a mek’leth in one hand, an ahn-woon in the other while chugging a bottle of Aldebaran whiskey held between my teeth! This is the life! No sooner do I take one squad of bad guys down than another squad pops in to take their place! I love it! There are even packs of wild, funky-looking animals wandering around the ship. And a few autonomous pieces of future-looking Starfleet tech too. They’re zapping boarding parties and helping mop up stragglers just long enough for me to take a quick breather and a drink or two between fights. Now this is the kind of action I sighed up for! YAHOOOOOO!
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, stardate Only Q Knows! How can this be happening?! This is definitely not the kind of thing I sighed up for! Starfleet’s mission is supposed to be one of peaceful exploration, not dealing with random, unimaginable chaos! Just as I start to think things can’t get any worse, they end up getting worse! Now a group of Borg have invaded the ship! Kelvans have invaded the ship! How the heck is that even possible?! They’re declaring everyone is inefficient and unessential! Especially me! This can’t be happening! It has to be a dream! It’s as if all my worst fears have come to life…AGGGHHHHHH! NOT THE FLYING SEA SCORPIONS AGAIN! AND A NEST OF GIANT FEATHERED SERPENTS TOO! HELP! SAVE ME! WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!
Ensign D’vana Tendi’s personal log, stardate Dazzled! My evolution project has taken on a life of its own! Dozens of new lifeforms are being born and evolving every second! I can create any kind of creature I can imagine! All the wonders of the universe are at my fingertips! The sky’s the limit! Come alive, my pretties! ALIVE! ALIVE! HEHEHEHEHE!
Ensign Rutherford’s personal log, stardate Euphoria! The technological singularity is upon us! Biology and technology will finally become one! Humanity will finally join the ranks of legendary figures like Captain Decker and V’ger! I never thought I’d live to see this day! TAKE ME NOW, TECHNOLOGY! I’M READY! I’M WILLING! I’M ABLE! YES! YES! YES!
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, stardate RIGHT NOW! AAAGGGHHHHHH! THIS IS INSANE! THE SHIP HAS GONE COMPLETELY NUTS! WE’RE FIGHTING OFF BOARDING PARTIES FROM EVERY HOSTILE SPECIES IN THE GALAXY! THE WEIRD ANIMALS AND LIVING TECH THINGS HAVE JOINED FORCES SO NOW I’M FLEEING FOR MY LIFE FROM A PACK OF THREE-HEADED CARNIVOROUS DINOSAURS WITH SHARP TEETH AND PHASERS ON THEIR HEADS! THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I’VE EVER SEEN! AND THE WORST PART IS I RECEIVED AN UNSATISFACTORY EFFICIENCY RATING ON MY RECORD…YAAAHHHHHH! HELP! THE PHASER-SHOOTING DINOS GOT ME! TELL MY MOTHER I LOVED HER! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ensign Mariner’s personal log, stardate whenever. Awww, the action is over already? But it was just getting good! One second I’m about to knock some scaly Vaadwaur’s head off, the next all the invaders suddenly disappear along with their ships, the herds of funky-looking animals and wandering robot attack packs. No notice, no warning, no witty last words, not even an after-action explanation from the captain. Talk about an anti-climactic ending! Fortunately, I managed to catch Ensign Barnes in the bar afterwards and pry the full story out of her. She’d been on the bridge the whole time and overheard all the relevant reports and communications.
Apparently, one of the Hood’s archeological teams stumbled upon an outpost of some lost, advanced ancient civilization on Landris II. Like the T'Kon or Kalandans or whatever. Anyway, those science nerds went and triggered some still functioning, stupidly powerful automated security system. Or maybe the thing was made for recreational use. Whatever it was, the system reacted by reading both our crew’s thoughts and manifesting illusions of all our desires, fears, day dreams and the like. You’d think Starfleet would’ve come up with some kind of mind reading defense by now considering how many times crews have encountered stuff like that over the years. Those stylus-necked desk jockeys probably spend more time worrying about how to file and categorize such encounters instead of actually solving the problem.
Which is exactly what the Cerritos did! Well, indirectly anyway. Ya see, while the Hood’s crew tried to act all focused and serious in order to minimize their manifested illusions, the Cerritos’ crew just did our usual thing by letting our thoughts run wild and free like all truly great minds should! Us Lower Deckers fully embraced our inner chaos which turned out to be the key to the whole thing! Our thoughts were so numerous, crazy and insane they overloaded the ancient system’s ability to manifest illusions and forced it to initiate an emergency cooldown and reset procedure long enough for a team from the Hood to study, analyze and shut the whole shebang down.
Captain DeSoto explained all this when he hailed Captain Freeman and thanked her for the help. And Freeman had the gall to take credit for all of my hard work! She said and I quote, “One can always count on the Cerritos for the unorthodox”. Can you believe the nerve of that woman? She drives me so crazy! I’ll show her unorthodox! I’ll flood her quarters with gaseous cryonetrium while she’s on duty! Let’s see how she enjoys unorthodox behavior then! Hahahahaha! Wait. Computer, delete those last few sentences. Right after showing me where the ship’s supply of cryonetrium is stored…
Ensign D’vana Tendi’s personal log, stardate 57582.9. Well, the ship is back to normal and all casualties have been treated. All except for one. Unfortunately, my hyper-speed evolution simulation turned out to be a bust. None of my evolved lifeforms were real. They were all just false manifestations of my hopes and imagination. My real simulation didn’t evolve anything at all. Not even a microbe. How disappointing! Oh well, that just means I’m free to come up with a new side project! One from the infinite possibilities to choose from! End log.
Ensign Rutherford’s personal log, stardate 57582.9. Awww, the whole singularity event turned out to be false. Man, what a drag! But I did manage to fix that fluctuation in the ODN cables. I just had to apply a little percussive maintenance. Works every time! End log.
Ensign Boimler’s personal log, stardate unimportant. Ugh, this has been the worst mission ever! Not only was I nearly killed a hundred different times in a hundred different ways, but my accepted transfer application to the Hood was false too. It was just an illusion of my desires. I should have known! My applications never go through. At this rate I’ll never get a promotion. I’m doomed to be the Harry Kim of the Cerritos for the rest of my career. At least my romantic relationship with Barbara is real. That will never end. In fact, I’m gonna compose a long message to her right now. That should cheer me up. End log.
Captain’s log, stardate 57583.0. Thanks to the vital and trademark efforts of the Cerritos, the Landris system is safe once again. Our unique and invaluable support to the Hood proved decisive in neutralizing the threat of the ancient alien outpost. All minor damage suffered during the incident has been repaired and I am looking forward to some quiet time to relax and recover from our ordeal…WHAT THE DEVIL HAPPENED TO MY QUARTERS? IT LOOKS LIKE THE BREEN HOMEWORLD IN HERE! EVERYTHING IS FROZEN SOLID! WHO’S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?! AND WHERE’S MY PRIVATE STOCK OF KTARIAN MERLOT?! BECKETT!
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
