Star Trek: Last Resort

[AlphaGamer1500]

Yesterday, I posted this: https://www.trekbbs.com/threads/star-trek-last-resort.289912/
The link above showed the opening log entry, I have since added more.

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"First Officer's Log, Stardate 834926.4 The crew of the U.S.S Artonna is patrolling what is left of the borg, they have retreated into whats left of their territory, for now anyway they have signed a peace treaty with the federation, but nobody trusts them."

Commander Wrightlet leaves his quarters and starts heading for the bridge, wondering, what exciting new things they would find today... of course he knew he was being sarcastic.

The ship shook violently and not a second later the Red Alert engaged, Commander Wrightlet, started to run to the turbolift,

The ship shook again, Commander Wrightlet goto the turbolift, "Bridge" Commander Wrightlet shouted, "Unable to Comply, Hull Breach on Deck 1" the computer replied. He then said "Engineering", the computer acknowledged, and the quiet buzz of the turbolift began.

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Please reply with any advice/opinions.

 

[Sgt_G]

I mean this with kindness: please take a refresher course on proper punctuation. Or buy a book on the subject. If you can find a copy for cheap, I recommend "The Little, Brown Handbook". (Yes, the comma is supposed to be in the title.)

Also, "Borg" and "Federation" should be capitalized.

As to the story itself: too soon to tell. It's not pure dreck, if that's a help.

 

[CeJay]

My first piece of advice would be to stick with a single thread, especially if it all relates to the same story. The rule of thumb here is one story, one thread.

Secondly, you haven't given us nearly enough of a sample size. There is hardly any plot here at all, and practically nothing on your character/s. I'd suggest you post at least a full chapter before seeking comments, or at least enough to give a true feel of what you are trying to do with your story.

Lastly, I would take a closer look at your grammar and style. For example, it is usually highly recommended to stick to just one tense in the narration. Admittedly, grammar is not my strength either, but poor grammar often turns new readers away pretty quickly, so I would suggest a bit more of a polish, read your stuff over a few times, maybe even out loud, get a beta reader or use freely available writing tools that could help.

 

[AlphaGamer1500]

My first piece of advice would be to stick with a single thread, especially if it all relates to the same story. The rule of thumb here is one story, one thread.

Secondly, you haven't given us nearly enough of a sample size. There is hardly any plot here at all, and practically nothing on your character/s. I'd suggest you post at least a full chapter before seeking comments, or at least enough to give a true feel of what you are trying to do with your story.

Lastly, I would take a closer look at your grammar and style. For example, it is usually highly recommended to stick to just one tense in the narration. Admittedly, grammar is not my strength either, but poor grammar often turns new readers away pretty quickly, so I would suggest a bit more of a polish, read your stuff over a few times, maybe even out loud, get a beta reader or use freely available writing tools that could help.

I am just starting, and I would like to get peoples opinions

 

[Count Zero]

I closed the other thread since the discussion is in this one. Please only use one thread per story.

As for your question I agree with the others that it's a bit short to really tell.

 

[Bry_Sinclair]

If Commander Wrightlet is your protagonist and the person we're meant to root for and get behind, then you need to give us more. Remember the writers motto: show don't tell.

After making his log entry and stepping out of his quarters, you could get into the characters head and show us how he carries himself, what he's thinking, how he walks, what his plans are for after his shift, feed us breadcrumbs so that we can sense or pick up that his posting isn't ever exciting or dynamic, that he feels stuck in a rut carrying out a dull patrol assignment, that he hopes for action and adventure--maybe he's even thinking about asking for reassignment. All this lets us know him better and can set up a sense of foreboding, depending on the tone of writing you take (we could read into it that the situation is going to go to hell around him and waiting to see what happens).

Also giving him a first name would help to personalise him to your reader.

 

[Dulak]

Remember, when they do log entries on television or movies, the dialogue is just a bit of the information given, the other visuals surrounding fill in the picture. When writing fiction, the writer should provide at least some of those details. The way your log entry starts, with no info, we don't know who the narrator is other than "first officer." Is it the same person as Cdr. Wrightlet? it is not clear in the text.

A second thing, the Cdr. does some internal dialogue then realizes he is being sarcastic. This part of the scene could be used to introduce another character, and the interplay that happens when they either appreciate or have some other reaction to said sarcasm. Get other people involved, show their interactions.

If you are going to stay in third person present tense...it takes work to do well, be careful with tenses.

Make sure to check your stardates, you should have an idea of when your story takes place against the larger backdrop of the Trek Universe. All kinds of things can be used to establish this in addition to throwing a stardate, and probably should. Make sure it follows some of the already figured out convention for those who will check...but it would be good to add some timeframe references, ship types, uniforms, external events, etc. so that those who have not memorized the stardate charts can have an idea of when the story takes place.,

The fragment you gave could use some clarification. "patrolling what is left of the borg," doesn't really make sense as it stands. "Patrolling what is left of the Borg territory" would make more sense, and "Patrolling Sector X at the fringe of the Federation border following the Borg retreat to the Delta Quadrant," might make more sense. (not getting into canon issues with peace treaty, etc...) More detail fleshing out what you are talking about that allow the reader to come up with a mental idea of what is going on is nice.

Keep writing, keep reading. After writing a piece, let it sit for a bit, go back and read it with fresh eyes, and work to make it the best you can.

By the way, thanks for putting what you wrote here, and asking for advice. That takes courage. Take whatever criticism comes up here and use it to grow your writing.

I can tell you had a story in your head when you started the fragment. Getting it onto paper the first time is a process, and a difficult one. (And I'm NO expert...)

It gets better, as long as you strive to make it better, and to improve your writing.

 

[Sgt_G]

If you are going to stay in third person present tense...it takes work to do well, be careful with tenses.

Actually, please don't try. Almost all fiction is written in third-person PAST tense. I've read a few stories written in present tense, and it can be difficult for the reader, at least for this reader.. We were programmed from grade school to expect stories be in past tense, and the brain just can't take it when they're not.

The only time present-tense format makes sense is when writing a script. But that in and of itself is a unique format (center-justified dialog, etc), one that I would recommend a new author to NOT try to attempt. And personally, I can't stand to read anything in script format.

I have read a fair number of stories written in the first-person point of view (in past tense), and few of those were done well. I've even attempted the format and found it's much harder to do than it sounds. Stick with third-person past-tense for now.

 

[Dulak]

Actually, please don't try. Almost all fiction is written in third-person PAST tense.

OK, Sgt. G is really right about this, unless you are writing for teenage girls... Some study (can't quote it, sorry) showed that younger kids, raised on micro bits of info dump, like twitter and one second videos, and their shortened attention spans can comprehend third person present prose, and it strikes them as more exciting than past tense.

When I thought on it, I remembered some stories written in 3PPr, which I forced myself to read to see what the hype was about, and despite bestseller status, they weren't well written.

First person used to be far more common, and can be fun to read and write, but can also be more limiting because of everything in the story being from one perspective, no one else's thoughts, no behind the scenes action, etc.

I was simply trying not to be "limiting" in my recommendations.