Star Trek: First Contact, Uncut

[All Seeing Eye]

Hayes: Caught you at a bad time Jean Luc?

Picard: As a matter of fact I was having a lovely dream about having a drill piece shoved into my eyeball and you’ve ruined it, what do you want?

Hayes: Our colony on Ivor prime was destroyed this morning, long range sensors have….

Picard: Yes I know, the Borg!

Hayes: Interrupt me again Jean boy and I’ll have up for court marshal!!... long range sensors have detected the Borg.

*Enterprise is shown in space*

Picard: The time I have dreaded for about, erm, a long time is finally here, the Borg, my most pain in the arse enemy, literally, has begun an invasion of the Federation and this time there may be no stopping them.

*Conference Room*

Riker: How many ships?

Picard: One, and its on a direct course for Earth, it will cross the Federation border in less than an hour, Admiral Hayes is mobilising a fleet in the Typhoo Tea Sector.

Riker: One ship and you call it an invasion?

Picard: Have you been listening to my captains log again?

Riker: Erm, no.

Data: At maximum warp it will take us 3 hours 24 minutes…..

Picard: Shut up Data you annoying tin can……. We’re not going.

LaForge: Captain the Enterprise is the most advanced ship in the fleet, we should be on the front line.

Picard: Geordi you rat smelling pimple flicker, I am the captain of the Enterprise do you not think I already know my ship is the most advanced in the fleet! Go stand in the corner of the room. Now as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by the pimple flicker, our orders are to patrol the neutral zone in case the Romulans decide to take advantage of the situation.

Troi: The Romulans!

Picard: Yes the bloody Romulans, are you deaf or is there just an echo in here. Why are you in this meeting again? I don’t remember asking you here, get back to your quarters, someone probably needs some counseling.

Data: I find it highly unlikely the Romulans would choose this time to start a conflict.

Picard: What the hell would you know tin can! Did I ask your opinion?

Data: But….

Picard: But nothing! Speak only when spoken to or next time I’ll shove you in the torpedo tube and launch you all the way to Romulus! Anyway, Admiral Hayes disagrees. Number one, set a course for the Neutral zone, oh and get a shave you scruffy hobo.

*30 minutes later*

Riker: Sir, we’ve finished our first sensor sweep of the neutral zone.

Picard: That was quick. How fascinating, 22 particles of cocaine powder per cubic metre and a big arse comet, well that’s certainly worthy of our attention.

Riker: What a waste of time.

Picard: Are you mad you hobo, there enough cocaine out there to settle me into early retirement, tell the Tin Can to start beaming it aboard.

Troi: Bridge to Picard:

Picard: Now what.

Troi: We just received word from the fleet, they’ve engaged the Borg.

Picard: Oh yeh I forgot about that. Data put Starfleet frequency 1485 on audio.

Data: but sir, isn’t that the Orion porn channel?

Picard: Whats your point? Oh yeh, put Starfleet frequency 1486 on Audio.


To Be Continued

 

[All Seeing Eye]

 

[TheLoneRedshirt]

Officers behaving badly indeed!

 

[All Seeing Eye]

*Stand by to engage at grid A-15*
*Leutenant Pacman, stop playing battleship*
*Jiblet and Bosaman fall back to mobile position one*
*We have it in visual range, a Borg cuboid on course zero mark 12345, speed warp 9 point*

*We are the Borg baby, lower your shields and surrender your puny ships, we will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own diggidy diggidy, especially your sexy women, your culture will adapt to service us, resistance is futiiiiiiiiile*

*Holy crap, tell the fleet to lower their shields and surrender*
*This is Admiral Lovak to the USS Chimbawamba, somebody sedate Admiral Hayes and take him to the Brig, all other units open fire*
*boom boom boom*
*weve got 92 dead and 22 wounded on the Lexington*
*boom*
*make that 93 dead and 22 wounded on the Lexington*

Picard: Ive heard enough of that rubbish, Mr Data, set a course for Earth Maximum warp, Im about to commit a direct violation of our orders anyone who wishes to object should do so now it shall be duly noted in my log…… ok everyone put your hands down. Mr Data, engage.

*Meanwhile Onboard the Defiant*

Ensign McFly: We’ve lost main power, our shields are down and our weapons are gone.
Worf: Perhaps today is a good day to die!!
Ensign McFly: Speak for yourself wrinkle head.
Worf: Prepare for ramming speed!!!
Ensign McFly: How about I get into the escape pod and YOU prepare for ramming speed. *bleep bleep* sir theres another starship coming in, sir it’s the Enterprise!!

Picard: Report.
Data: The Federation Fleet is fighting with a Borg Cuboid sir.
Picard: Stop being such a nipple head and give me a proper report.
Data: I’m reading heavy damage to their outer hull, fluctuations in their power grid and interference on the porn channel, sir the Admirals ship has been destroyed.
Picard: Good, its about time that old fart carked it.
Riker: What now captain?
Picard: Erm, wait a minute I’m hearing voices.
Crusher: yes yes yes! I can finally commit you!
Picard: Shut up you whore, I’m trying to hear what the voices say!
Riker: Well?
Picard: Ok get a pen and paper ready, the voices are saying ‘fire your weapons on co-ordinates 12635’. Did you get that?
Data: Yes sir.
Picard: Tell that to the rest of the fleet and fire on my command.
Riker: Sir, what are you waiting for?
Picard: Im waiting for Admiral Lovaks ship to be destroyed, I cant stand that old fart neither.
Riker: Good idea sir.
Picard: Fire!!!

To Be Continued

 

[Count Zero]

That's quite funny and reminds me of the good old Star Trek Fivers on fiveminute.net in style. It would be even mor enjoyable if you proofread it a bit more thoroughly.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to moe.
By the way: Is this an antry for the monthly challenge? It would fit in with the theme.

 

[All Seeing Eye]

Count Zero said:
It would be even mor enjoyable if you proofread it a bit more thoroughly.

Im not sure what you mean?
I'm trying to write the story from only my memory of the film and i'm just altering a few bits such as when Picard takes over the fleet to add a bit of comedy to it.

Count Zero said:
By the way: Is this an antry for the monthly challenge? It would fit in with the theme.

I didnt even know about the contest but no it isnt an entry just me having a bit of fun.

 

[Count Zero]

Fire said:

Count Zero said:
It would be even more enjoyable if you proofread it a bit more thoroughly.

Im not sure what you mean?
I'm trying to write the story from only my memory of the film and i'm just altering a few bits such as when Picard takes over the fleet to add a bit of comedy to it.

Don't worry. I meant purely in terms of punctuation and spelling so it would be easier to read. Never mind.
Do you plan to parody the whole film? If so, I'm escpecially curious as to what you'll make of the scenes with Cochrane and the dialogue between the Borg Queen and Data and Picard...

 

[All Seeing Eye]

Count Zero said:

Fire said:

Count Zero said:
It would be even more enjoyable if you proofread it a bit more thoroughly.

Im not sure what you mean?
I'm trying to write the story from only my memory of the film and i'm just altering a few bits such as when Picard takes over the fleet to add a bit of comedy to it.

Don't worry. I meant purely in terms of punctuation and spelling

Well punctuation wise I'm not too good at it but as for spelling there shouldn't be any mistakes because I always scan through it with the spell checker.

 

[Mistral]

Punctuation is a way to emphasize things. I play fast and loose with grammar rules but it looks ok in the end, usually.(see the emphasis there?)

I am laughing. Keep it coming.

 

[All Seeing Eye]

Data: Peeyown peeyown peeeeeeyown.
Picard: For gods sake Data what have I told you about making sounds effects when shooting the torpedoes!
Data: Sorry sir.
Riker: Look Captain! It worked! The Borg Cuboid is destroyed!
Picard: I'm not sodding blind no 1!!! My god!! What did I do wrong at Starfleet command to warrant having such a crew of misfits!!
Riker: But you’re the one that picked the crew sir.
Picard: Shut up you nincompoop!!!
Data: Sir look!
Troi: It’s a Borg Sphere.
Picard: Somebody give this girl a medal! She’s ascertained it’s a Borg Sphere, I wonder what might have given that one away.
Troi: Sir I’m sensing strong emotion and anger.
Picard: Ya think?
Data: What are your orders?
Picard: Intercept course!!!!

Worf: Sir, the Defiant?
Picard: What the bloody hell are you doing here!!
Worf: You beamed the Defiant survivors aboard.
Picard: Picard to Ensign Lynch.
Ensign Lynch: Lynch here sir.
Picard: What the hell do you think you’re doing beaming the Defiant survivors aboard?
Ensign Lynch: I just thought….
Picard: Quiet you sweaty meat popsicle, I swear to god I’m going to Lynch you one of these days, I pray for the day you give me a reason to shoot you!! And I mean old style with a machine gun and bullets.
Data: Captain, I'm detecting Chronometric particles emanating from the sphere.
Picard: They’re trying to open a Temporal vortex.
Riker: Time Travel.
Picard: That’s what I said isn’t it, sit back down you hobo.
Worf: Look, Earth.
Picard: Data.
Data: I’m detecting high concentrations of Methane carbon dioxide and fluoride toothpaste.
Picard: Life signs.
Data: Population approximately 9 billion, all Borg.
Picard: They must have done it in the past, changed history.
Riker: Really.
Picard: That’s it hobo you’re getting too cheeky for your own good, Mr Worf take him to the brig.
Worf: I sir.
Crusher: But if they changed history why are we still here?
Data: The temporal vortex must have some how protected us from the changes in the time line.
Picard: Well bugger me! I never would have worked that one out for myself. Ok Mr Obvious take us in, we must follow them back, repair whatever damage they’ve done.

To Be Continued

 

[Mitty]

I was laughing. Captain Cassnozzle would be proud to serve with this version of Picard.

 

[TheLoneRedshirt]

A very cheeky and funny take on "First Contact!" Keep it coming!