ST episode Remix Thread, all series, G to PG13
- Thread starter Gojirob
- Start date
Hmmm...Daikaiju you say?
Title : King and Collective
Author : Rob Morris
Series : TNG, during the events of FC
Type : Xover with ST8:FC
Characters : Borg drones
Part : 1/1
Rating : G
Summary : Just because we can't reason with them, doesn't mean that nobody
can...
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King and Collective
by Rob Morris
EARTH, 2063
Amid the jungle humidity, the Alpha Drone turned from the targeted organic and
looked at the others.
"No useable organic was found here."
Beta Drone responded in kind.
"A malfunctioning scanner caused a misreading of this island's lifeforms.
Simplest flora and fauna only."
Gamma Drone also concurred.
"We shall attempt recovery of sphere fragment lost in Antarctic region."
Delta Drone raised an objection.
"We are Borg. We were sent here to assimilate the organic directly before us.
All other chatter is irrelevant."
The first three looked at Delta and pointed, speaking in slightly non-Borg
terms for once.
"You Do It."
Delta Drone quietly informed the Collective of the scanner malfunction. The
Borg then departed Skull Island quickly, secretly glad that they had never
awakened the slumbering King Kong.
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Title : Sphere and Superhero
Author : Rob Morris
Series : ENT, end of S2
Type : ENT Xover
Characters : An unknown Starfleet fighter pilot
Part : 1/1
Rating : G
Summary : Like a super-jet he comes...
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Sphere and Superhero
by Rob Morris
EARTH, 2153
The story goes that the Xindi intended to mark only a certain area of the
Earth, then have their prototype split open to reveal their message of warning.
In fact, they had every hope of taking out the Earth and its inhabitants in one
fell swoop. The warning message was an afterthought, left on what the Xindi
considered the off chance of their sphere's downing. But while the finished
weapon would need an expedition to take it out, the prototype was taken out by
one fighter pilot--and he wasn't even using his craft.
From the Starfleet base in Hokkaido, he saw the ugly thing tearing his planet's
surface apart. Had it been more powerful, even he would have been lost. But at
this stage of the weapon's development, he knew that one well-placed shot could
take it out, so long as he was charged enough when he faced it.
Grabbing the relic he had been given by the alien lawman, the human girded
himself for the transformation that would save the planet. The Xindi would now
need to rush to build their advanced superweapon, for, by using the Beta
Capsule----Lt. Hayada became Ultraman. As crescented eyes glowed golden in
Earth's exosphere, the Xindi and their allies/manipulators saw that Earth had a
silvery titan for a protector, and that a prototype would not be enough.
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Title : Time-Space And Terror
Author : Rob Morris
Series : TOS-Canon, with shades of a certain AU
Type : TOS Xover Short
Characters : K, S, others
Part : 1/1
Rating : G
Summary : Wow, Deja Vu...
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Time-Space And Terror
by Rob Morris
USS ENTERPRISE, NCC-1701-A, ORBITING CESTUS THREE, 2286
Science Officer Peter Kirk bit down. This was going to be hard.
"Mister Saavik, the enemy's energy processing center is located. You may fire
when ready."
Weapons Officer Saavik also understood the waste, and was revolted by it. But
with the Captain and Spock trapped on the imperiled planet below, there simply
was no choice.
"Understood, Mister Kirk. Targeting energy center. A spread of six photon
torpedoes. Launched."
Once, it had terrorized ancient Earth, til it was forced to flee its enemies in
1999. Where it had been til the present was now irrelevant, as its ability to
move and defend itself was ripped out of its gut by 23rd Century technology.
The tricephalous nightmare plunged into the atmosphere, quickly burning to less
than a cinder from the fires without and within, its many kilotons of mass
aside. Lieutanant Kirk called down to Auxiliary Control, where the acting CO
had been trapped by the initial damage from the monster's attack.
"We can beam up the landing party, Commander. The creature is destroyed."
"You and Mister Saavik made a good team on this one, Piotr. The Kyptin vwill be
pleased. Also, I don't think he vwas happy protecting a Gorn colony."
Since Saavik was coordinating ship repair between the Bridge and Auxiliary, it
was left to Science Officer Kirk to make the initial report that regulations
demanded short of total ship's systems' failure.
He spoke the words that broke his scientist's heart.
"King Ghidorah has been destroyed..."
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Title : Breen And Beast
Author : Rob Morris
Series : DS9
Type : Xover with Breen attack on Earth at the end of The Dominion War
Characters : Breen attackers, one ticked-off Earth native radiovoric life form
Part : 1/1
Rating : G
Summary : They should have stayed in the mines...
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Breen And Beast
by Rob Morris
The attack on San Francisco was well underway, and so the secondary attack
force moved out to find a prime target of opportunity. The nearly-programmed
Jem'Hadar took over the attack on Starfleet HQ. The Breen, who considered
themselves infinitely inventive, sought out the random target.
They seemed to find it in an odd basin off of Tokyo Bay that appeared
unnatural. It had high energy readings and read as a deeply hardened target.
Beneath his helmet, the Breen squadron leader smiled. Surely this was an
undersea base to which the leaders of Starfleet and the Federation had fled, to
avoid their wrath. If this place were taken out, the Breen could demand Q'onos
system from the Female Founder, no question.
The vast tractor beams that had shredded Cadet Hall in San Francisco now pulled
away the waters that hid the base, while white-hot beams boiled the rest away
as they regathered. Beams that would soon rip apart even the localized
starhearts of a Defiant-Class's shields tore into the object below. The
imagined safety of the cowardly Terrans would die with their leaders.
Then, the 'base' began to move. In a moment, it was standing on its hind legs.
The fighter craft sent in to chip away at its armor were swatted like
horseflies by an enormous tail that had been mistaken for an exhaust tube.
Then, a glow first blue, then red, then gold built along an outer spine of
dorsal fins. The grey-green 'base' fixed its white-eyed gaze on the main Breen
Baseship. The squadron leader learned to speak one word of Terran before a beam
like no other emerged from the mouth of the misscanned creature, cutting his
ship in two with no effort.
"Godzilla."
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Title : Seal and Shell
Author : Rob Morris
Series : DS9 Xover
Type : Post-WYLB short
Characters : K, JaS, N, S
Part : 1/1
Rating : G
Summary : With the help of an old and powerful friend, the Prophets make a
statement about Bajor to the rest of the universe
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Seal and Shell
by Rob Morris
BAJOR, 2378
Their Emissary appeared to them in a vision, on Bajor and on Deep Space Nine.
"The Bajora will no longer allow their chosen place to be grasped at like a
favored toy among small selfish children. The shell of fire descends from the
sky, and this shall be the seal to make things right again."
Jake Sisko rushed down to the planet Nog shrugged as he piloted the runabout.
"Tell me you're not going to interview it."
"Tell me you're not going to try and stop me."
Staying above, Colonel Kira watched the shell of fire descend. Her plans to
leave could now come to pass, as her world would be safe. She ordered all
monitors tuned to coverage of the landing.
Quark salivated at the thought of all the souvenirs he would sell, possibly
enough profits to buy Rom's undeserved position, should he so desire.
Separately on Q'onos and Cardassia, Martok and Garak rejoiced. Surely this
would put down once and for all any 'interventionist' talk on their worlds, and
let them concentrate on weightier issues.
Romulan intelligence just sort of crossed Bajor off their many lists.
At last on Bajor, the shell of fire landed. Arms and legs emerged from the
holes where the fire had been. The great creature stood upright, and roared. A
fireball emerged from its tusked mouth, as the eyes on its ridged head went
wide. The fireball struck the distant Fire Caves, sealing them possibly
forever.
The adults were afraid, but not the children, who knew the monster was their
friend and protector. It was the beginning of a long, long period of peace in
two quadrants.
For on that day, Gamera The Invincible came to dwell on Bajor.
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Title : Air And Earth
Author : Rob Morris
Series : Voy Short
Type : Xover
Characters : A Voy Regular
Part : 1/1
Rating : G
Summary : This time, it was able to comply.
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Air And Earth
by Rob Morris
Her vast rainbowed wings moved her through space like it was an ocean of air.
She passed through star systems unguessed at, her multi-faceted eyes taking in
every detail of the sheer wonder of the life around her.
Her tufted soft hair located in just the right spots kept the eternal vacuum
feeling as warm as a day in early June.
Her antennae guided her unerringly through the vast cosmos, until at last old
faithful Sol was in sight, a smile creasing the star-sun for those who could
see it. Past Pluto, Ouranos and Neptune she flew, laughing at the gentle tug
she felt from the combined gravity wells at the mid-point twixt Saturn and
Jupiter. She delighted in brushing against the new atmosphere the Humans had
placed on dead Mars. They could learn, after all, it seemed.
At last she set down on Earth, letting out small cries of exultation. For she
swore then that she would wander no more. Earth was her home, and her
protectorate. She was Mothra. She was Mosura. She was---
"Captain?"
The doors had opened. Paris had warned her just how immersive combining the
innovations of the VR from Equinox with his own tricks would be. Painfully,
Kathryn Janeway pulled back her opened arms and resumed a Captain's stance.
"Computer, End Program."
Title : The Golden Boys
Author : Rob Morris
Type : ST:TOS remixed with the basic situation of ‘The Golden Girls’
Rating : PG
Summary: What would have happened had Kirk not entered the Nexus? What would have become of the Big 3? Probably not this, but please read it anyway.
The Golden Boys
by Rob Morris
Theme: Thank You For Being A Friend; After I Brought Harriman's Life To An End; And If You Were To Die Now; And Your Body Had Been Quite Renewed; You Would See; With My Ship I Would Flee; And In The Fal-Tor-Pan You'd Say; Thank You For Being A Friend!
(We go to Miami, Florida, in the year 2295. Now retired Starfleet Officers Kirk, Spock, and McCoy live in one home, along with Spock's widowed father Sarek. A recent stroke has left him a trifle addled. McCoy's just that way)
(Spock sits at a table with K+M)
Spock: Alright, everyone. I have calculated the amount of our bills this month, and divided them three ways. If we all pay equally, and on time--we may just be able to accomplish our long-term goal of living here in peace.
McCoy: (Smiling a bit vacuously) Well, these nice people came by and needed money for their charities, so I gave my bill money to them.
Kirk: Bones, how could you give away the bill money? What kind of pea-brained idiot are you?
McCoy: (A bit hurt) Well, I figured, if I gave them my bill money now, maybe they'd give some to me when I needed it.
Kirk: Bones, we need that bill money--now.
(McCoy gets up)
McCoy: Then I'll go collect on my debt a little early.
(He leaves)
Spock: Not to worry, Jim. I was the charity officer in question.
Kirk: Then how come he didn't recognize you?
Spock: The cartoons were on.
(Sarek bursts in, wearing Klingon armor)
Sarek: My son, have you no honor? Why are you not prepared for our sacred pilgrimage to Boreth, to bask in the blood and songs of The Feast Of Dread Kahless?
(Spock raises an eyebrow)
Spock: Because, Father--it is not the Feast Of Kahless, and we are Vulcans.
(Sarek looks about, then nods)
Sarek: Yes. Highly logical. I was wondering why the bloodwine tasted so much like marinara sauce.
Kirk: Spock--about what we were discussing earlier-I'm afraid I'm coming up short.
Sarek: Finally, he admits it!
Kirk: Sarek, why don't you go where you belong, on Romulus?
Sarek: I am not from Romulus.
(Kirk smiles)
Kirk: I know.
McCoy: I looked everywhere, but I just couldn't find that charity!
Sarek: Did you look up your own behind?
McCoy: Dammit, Sarek, I'm a general practitioner--not a proctologist!
K+S: Are you sure of that?
Spock: Jim, I must question the reason why you do not have all of the money on time, as we agreed.
Kirk: I have...entertainment expenses.
Sarek: Its true, he does. Dating the entire Cadet Cheerleader Squad can be very expensive, what with dry cleaning and maintaining that saddle!
Kirk: Sarek---Amanda's going to be calling soon. Shouldn't you be in the living room, waiting for it?
Sarek: You're right, Jim. She doesn't call that often anymore. I wonder why?
Spock: Father, Mother died in bed, five years ago.
Sarek: I know, my son. But there was a lot more to our relationship than just sex.
(He leaves)
Spock: Jim....
McCoy: Oh, Spock, don't complain. At least we got rid of Sarek, for now.
Spock: Good point, Doctor.
Kirk: And he's the dumb one.
McCoy: If I'm so dumb, then how come someone else didn't notice he was hitting on the dance line from La Cage Aux Folles?
Kirk: I had to know, Bones. I-had-to-know. Then, I wished I hadn't. I mean, they hadn't even shaved their legs that night.
(Knock on the door)
(Kirk opens it, its Carol Marcus)
Carol: Jim!
Kirk: Carol!
(Slams door, walks away)
Carol (through door): We aren't done, Jim! We belong with each other. We had a son together, remember?
Kirk: David's been dead ten years, Carol. And I'll bet he's still livelier now than you were, last time we were in bed!
(She leaves)
Kirk: (Sees Sarek) Well, I'm for the refresher.
Sarek: Jim, you may wish to avoid the refresher. (Sits down, queasy)
Kirk: Oh, Sarek, No!!
Sarek: Indeed. The jalapeno pepper, while an intriguing vegetable, has many unanticipated long-term effects.
Kirk: Exactly--how many did you eat?
Sarek: Three Hundred.
(Kirk opens the front door)
Kirk: Oh, Carol, Darling! Lets start again!
(K Walks out, Sarek gets up suddenly)
Sarek: MANY---long term effects!
(Runs for the refresher)
(In the kitchen is McCoy, answering the back door)
McCoy: Yes?
Picard: Doctor McCoy--you have all been living in an illusion! All four of you were brought into the Nexus, eighty years ago!
McCoy: Izzat so? Well, sit down, while I get the others. Y'know, this all reminds me of something that happened in my hometown of St. Olaf, Georgia.....
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MANY DAYS LATER........
McCoy: .......when in reality, it was the pig all along. Well, the scandal that resulted simply made all future Peach Cobbler Festivals one big joke. Wait, did I mention that the pig knew Ulie Turnower from his first farm? I didn't, did I? Welll, without that, the story's just pointless!
(Kirk walks in; Sees Picard, who has long since hung himself)
Kirk: Bones---who is this man?
McCoy: Huh...You know, Jim, I'm not really sure. He had some kind of message, I think.
(Spock and Sarek watch)
Spock: Another suicide, due to the Doctor's stories.
Sarek: I once knew a logician with similar problems.
Spock: Indeed?
Sarek: Yes. My son---picture it, Vulcan, 2182. We had just finally stopped using thees and thous--except for your grandmother, she was always a pain. I emerged, 17 years old and ready for my first Far Pett.
Spock: Don't you mean Pon Farr?
Sarek: If I had meant Pon Farr, I would have said, Pon Farr. No, Far Pett is when the girl first lets you get to second base. Boy, did my girl have a pair. Her name was T'Rim. T'Rim T'Rah, we called her---at least in part because that was her name.
Spock: Father, does this story have a point?
Kirk: Wait, did you say her name was T'Rim?
Sarek: That is correct.
Kirk (Opens a small ledger) Wow! I'm dating her tonight.
Spock: But you had scheduled a date with Miss Nymphomania, 2293, tonight.
Kirk: What's your point?
McCoy: Back in St. Olaf, we had a name for situations like yours Jim.
Kirk: Ok--I'll bite. What was the name?
McCoy: Slut.
(Sarek looks out back door)
Spock: Father, what are you doing?
Sarek: At some point, the people from 'Empty Nest' have just gotta show up for a cameo, and then I am SOOO outta here!
----------------------------------------------
Also, don't forget to watch the wacky misadventures of our Android Lieutenant Governor, his shape-shifting rival, and a Talaxian goofball. That's right---'Bensoong' is next, on this station!
Author : Rob Morris
Type : ST:TOS remixed with the basic situation of ‘The Golden Girls’
Rating : PG
Summary: What would have happened had Kirk not entered the Nexus? What would have become of the Big 3? Probably not this, but please read it anyway.
The Golden Boys
by Rob Morris
Theme: Thank You For Being A Friend; After I Brought Harriman's Life To An End; And If You Were To Die Now; And Your Body Had Been Quite Renewed; You Would See; With My Ship I Would Flee; And In The Fal-Tor-Pan You'd Say; Thank You For Being A Friend!
(We go to Miami, Florida, in the year 2295. Now retired Starfleet Officers Kirk, Spock, and McCoy live in one home, along with Spock's widowed father Sarek. A recent stroke has left him a trifle addled. McCoy's just that way)
(Spock sits at a table with K+M)
Spock: Alright, everyone. I have calculated the amount of our bills this month, and divided them three ways. If we all pay equally, and on time--we may just be able to accomplish our long-term goal of living here in peace.
McCoy: (Smiling a bit vacuously) Well, these nice people came by and needed money for their charities, so I gave my bill money to them.
Kirk: Bones, how could you give away the bill money? What kind of pea-brained idiot are you?
McCoy: (A bit hurt) Well, I figured, if I gave them my bill money now, maybe they'd give some to me when I needed it.
Kirk: Bones, we need that bill money--now.
(McCoy gets up)
McCoy: Then I'll go collect on my debt a little early.
(He leaves)
Spock: Not to worry, Jim. I was the charity officer in question.
Kirk: Then how come he didn't recognize you?
Spock: The cartoons were on.
(Sarek bursts in, wearing Klingon armor)
Sarek: My son, have you no honor? Why are you not prepared for our sacred pilgrimage to Boreth, to bask in the blood and songs of The Feast Of Dread Kahless?
(Spock raises an eyebrow)
Spock: Because, Father--it is not the Feast Of Kahless, and we are Vulcans.
(Sarek looks about, then nods)
Sarek: Yes. Highly logical. I was wondering why the bloodwine tasted so much like marinara sauce.
Kirk: Spock--about what we were discussing earlier-I'm afraid I'm coming up short.
Sarek: Finally, he admits it!
Kirk: Sarek, why don't you go where you belong, on Romulus?
Sarek: I am not from Romulus.
(Kirk smiles)
Kirk: I know.
McCoy: I looked everywhere, but I just couldn't find that charity!
Sarek: Did you look up your own behind?
McCoy: Dammit, Sarek, I'm a general practitioner--not a proctologist!
K+S: Are you sure of that?
Spock: Jim, I must question the reason why you do not have all of the money on time, as we agreed.
Kirk: I have...entertainment expenses.
Sarek: Its true, he does. Dating the entire Cadet Cheerleader Squad can be very expensive, what with dry cleaning and maintaining that saddle!
Kirk: Sarek---Amanda's going to be calling soon. Shouldn't you be in the living room, waiting for it?
Sarek: You're right, Jim. She doesn't call that often anymore. I wonder why?
Spock: Father, Mother died in bed, five years ago.
Sarek: I know, my son. But there was a lot more to our relationship than just sex.
(He leaves)
Spock: Jim....
McCoy: Oh, Spock, don't complain. At least we got rid of Sarek, for now.
Spock: Good point, Doctor.
Kirk: And he's the dumb one.
McCoy: If I'm so dumb, then how come someone else didn't notice he was hitting on the dance line from La Cage Aux Folles?
Kirk: I had to know, Bones. I-had-to-know. Then, I wished I hadn't. I mean, they hadn't even shaved their legs that night.
(Knock on the door)
(Kirk opens it, its Carol Marcus)
Carol: Jim!
Kirk: Carol!
(Slams door, walks away)
Carol (through door): We aren't done, Jim! We belong with each other. We had a son together, remember?
Kirk: David's been dead ten years, Carol. And I'll bet he's still livelier now than you were, last time we were in bed!
(She leaves)
Kirk: (Sees Sarek) Well, I'm for the refresher.
Sarek: Jim, you may wish to avoid the refresher. (Sits down, queasy)
Kirk: Oh, Sarek, No!!
Sarek: Indeed. The jalapeno pepper, while an intriguing vegetable, has many unanticipated long-term effects.
Kirk: Exactly--how many did you eat?
Sarek: Three Hundred.
(Kirk opens the front door)
Kirk: Oh, Carol, Darling! Lets start again!
(K Walks out, Sarek gets up suddenly)
Sarek: MANY---long term effects!
(Runs for the refresher)
(In the kitchen is McCoy, answering the back door)
McCoy: Yes?
Picard: Doctor McCoy--you have all been living in an illusion! All four of you were brought into the Nexus, eighty years ago!
McCoy: Izzat so? Well, sit down, while I get the others. Y'know, this all reminds me of something that happened in my hometown of St. Olaf, Georgia.....
--------------------------------------
MANY DAYS LATER........
McCoy: .......when in reality, it was the pig all along. Well, the scandal that resulted simply made all future Peach Cobbler Festivals one big joke. Wait, did I mention that the pig knew Ulie Turnower from his first farm? I didn't, did I? Welll, without that, the story's just pointless!
(Kirk walks in; Sees Picard, who has long since hung himself)
Kirk: Bones---who is this man?
McCoy: Huh...You know, Jim, I'm not really sure. He had some kind of message, I think.
(Spock and Sarek watch)
Spock: Another suicide, due to the Doctor's stories.
Sarek: I once knew a logician with similar problems.
Spock: Indeed?
Sarek: Yes. My son---picture it, Vulcan, 2182. We had just finally stopped using thees and thous--except for your grandmother, she was always a pain. I emerged, 17 years old and ready for my first Far Pett.
Spock: Don't you mean Pon Farr?
Sarek: If I had meant Pon Farr, I would have said, Pon Farr. No, Far Pett is when the girl first lets you get to second base. Boy, did my girl have a pair. Her name was T'Rim. T'Rim T'Rah, we called her---at least in part because that was her name.
Spock: Father, does this story have a point?
Kirk: Wait, did you say her name was T'Rim?
Sarek: That is correct.
Kirk (Opens a small ledger) Wow! I'm dating her tonight.
Spock: But you had scheduled a date with Miss Nymphomania, 2293, tonight.
Kirk: What's your point?
McCoy: Back in St. Olaf, we had a name for situations like yours Jim.
Kirk: Ok--I'll bite. What was the name?
McCoy: Slut.
(Sarek looks out back door)
Spock: Father, what are you doing?
Sarek: At some point, the people from 'Empty Nest' have just gotta show up for a cameo, and then I am SOOO outta here!
----------------------------------------------
Also, don't forget to watch the wacky misadventures of our Android Lieutenant Governor, his shape-shifting rival, and a Talaxian goofball. That's right---'Bensoong' is next, on this station!
Title : The 1950's Sloan
Author : Rob Morris
Series : Remixes
Type : A Drabble with a DS9 concept, but MASH setting and characters
Characters : Max Klinger and Colonel Flagg
Rating : PG
Summary : Klinger and Flagg may be onto something–over 100 years too early!
The 1950's Sloan
by Rob Morris
1951, KOREA, MASH 4077TH
Corporal Max Klinger was on guard duty, when Colonel Sam Flagg passed by, and pointed at him.
"You--are a disgrace to every American who fears God, the enemy and myself!"
Klinger, wearing a blue chiffon dress, shrugged.
"Colonel, alls I'm tryin ta do is get out of the army on a Section 8!"
Flagg laughed contemptuously.
"You want out on a psycho discharge, nutburger? I'll give you a Section 8!"
Klinger lit up.
"You will?"
"In fact, I'll even give you a Section 31!"
Klinger frowned.
"There is no Section 31."
Flagg nodded.
"And you just remember that, freako!
Author : Rob Morris
Series : Remixes
Type : A Drabble with a DS9 concept, but MASH setting and characters
Characters : Max Klinger and Colonel Flagg
Rating : PG
Summary : Klinger and Flagg may be onto something–over 100 years too early!
The 1950's Sloan
by Rob Morris
1951, KOREA, MASH 4077TH
Corporal Max Klinger was on guard duty, when Colonel Sam Flagg passed by, and pointed at him.
"You--are a disgrace to every American who fears God, the enemy and myself!"
Klinger, wearing a blue chiffon dress, shrugged.
"Colonel, alls I'm tryin ta do is get out of the army on a Section 8!"
Flagg laughed contemptuously.
"You want out on a psycho discharge, nutburger? I'll give you a Section 8!"
Klinger lit up.
"You will?"
"In fact, I'll even give you a Section 31!"
Klinger frowned.
"There is no Section 31."
Flagg nodded.
"And you just remember that, freako!
Title : Luger Of The Mind
Author : Rob Morris
Series : Star Trek Remix, specifically TOS
Type : A full-length Remix of ‘Dagger Of The Mind’ and several shorter remixes of other ST eps
Characters : Captain Barney Miller of the USS Noam Pitlik
Rating : PG, for the odd bit of language and innuendo
Summary : The old NCC-1712 investigates penal colony Tantalus Five and its director, Doctor Tristan Adams (James Gregory), nephew of Admiral Frank Luger (James Gregory). With the able, if somewhat trying, aid of First Officer Harris (Ron Glass), Security Officer Wojohowiecz, Helmsman Yamane, Science Officer Dietrich and pert-near-everything Officer Wentworth (Linda Lavin), Captain Barney Miller does his part to explore the final frontier. Just another day in space aboard the old one-two.
Luger of the Mind
by Rob Morris
Barney: Captain's Log, Bernard Miller, Commanding The Noam Pitlik, recording. We are at this time conducting a routine stop above Penal Rehab Colony Tantalus Five......
Harris: .......otherwise known as the Federation Fruit Farm.
(Barney turns, glares at Harris)
Barney: Number One, please either keep such commentary to yourself, or at the very minimum, make it more respectful.
Harris: (Smiling) Tantalus Tutti-Fruti?
(Barney gives up, looks at Nav/Console)
Barney: Mister Yamane, have we achieved standard orbit above Tantalus Five?
(Nick Yamane somewhat wearily looks up at the screen)
Nick: Uhhh...I guess, Barn. I mean, there does seem to be a planet below us. Sure looks like it, anyway. Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and say there is.
(Barney shakes his head; Yamane shrugs; Barney continues his log)
Barney: Here, Admiral Luger was hoping for a brief reunion with his nephew, Tantalus Colony Director Tristan Adams. Unfortunately, our schedule does not allow......
(Leaning on the rail behind Barney is Admiral Frank Luger, who interrupts)
Luger: Tristan....my sister just haaadddaa go and name him Tristan. You know, Barn......I was truly worried about that boy, til he took an interest in girls. Wadda relief that was....til he went and turned around and took up *Lacrosse* at the Academy.....
(Barney cuts him off)
Barney: Miller to Fish. Doctor, have the containers from Tantalus been beamed up safely?
(In the transporter room)
Fish: How should I know? I'm a Doctor, not a transporter Chief.
(He pauses; shakes his head)
Fish: I'm not even a very good doctor. My feet are.....
Barney: (Annoyed) Wojo--are the materials up yet?
Wojo: Yeah, Barn. Dietrich is giving them the once-over.
Dietrich: They're boxes all right.
Wojo: But shouldn't ya check em' out for bio-hazardous junk or escaped loonies, or somethin'?
Dietrich: Nah. To hide in there---a guy'd have to be crazy.
(Turns and looks)
Dietrich: Oh, yeah.
(Does a cursory check; Shrugs)
Dietrich: I still say they're boxes.
Fish: Can we go?
Wojo: Yeah, let's get to dinner while Barney's recording his dumb log. Why's he do that, anyway?
Dietrich: You know, our ancestors used to record diaries of such great
length and breadth----
(Fish and Wojo glare)
Dietrich: That they were really, really long!
(All three leave and do not see Van Gelder escape as the teaser ends)
--------------------------------------------
(Furtively , Van Gelder darts through the halls; two security men fall as they try to stop him)
Leavitt: Leavitt to Chief Dietrich! Sir, WE have a situation. Some psycho-nutburger is on a tear through the passages. I got two injured men.
Dietrich: (On audio) Y'know, Carl--have you ever stopped to consider how much time we all spend diminishing each other with these little nicknames? Psycho-Burger, Fruit-Loops, Twinkie-Dink, Belfrystreet Boys---
Barney: (Interrupts) Dietrich, just get down there and help Leavitt.
(Dietrich and Harris enter turbolift)
Dietrich: But it really is true. Rooted in the human psyche is this need to ward off the perceived curse of mental illness by attacking, even in the most civil and restrained fashion.....
Harris: (Rolling his eyes) Some days, this lift takes longer than others.
Dietrich: ....those people who, through the luck of the genetic draw and nothing else, just don't know how to function in a society that is contradictory and often deliberately irritating.
Harris: Sounds like you've worked in a place like Tantalus.
Dietrich: What are you, nuts? Those people make my skin crawl.
(Leavitt is chasing Van Gelder as they emerge; They join the pursuit; Harris has trouble keeping up)
Leavitt: (Smiling) Sirs, I recommend that First Officer Harris fall back- -especially if he can't quite keep up.
Harris: I guess those lil' legs carry you pretty fast, don't they, Mister Leavitt?
Leavitt: Almost as far as a big mouth will--sir.
Harris: Leavitt, I'm shocked! Dietrich--did you hear what he just said about you?
(As the chase continues, Wojo emerges from the galley)
Wojo: Hey, guys--the coffee's actually good. I think Nick Yamane must have finally---
(Van Gelder crashes headlong into Wojo; He is thrown back, and then collapses)
Harris: Thank God for brick walls.
Leavitt: (Holds phaser over Van Gelder) All right you--don't move!
(Dietrich looks down)
Dietrich: I think ya got em', gunslinger.
Wojo: (On audio) Hey, Barn--we caught this guy. I think he musta got away from Tantalus.
Barney: (Quite annoyed) Wojo, could he have possibly arrived here in one of the containers that you, Fish and Dietrich were supposed to have inspected?
Wojo: Well, Duh, Barn! How the hell else could her have escaped? I mean, geez, talk about obvious.
Barney: We'll discuss this later. Now, how is the prisoner?
Wojo: Oh, he's dead.
Barney: (Looks down) I understand. I know you did your best.
Wojo: Yeah, he's dead to the world, Captain. Prolly be an hour fore he comes to. Barney: Lt. Cmdr. Wojohowiecz! I have warned you on countless occasions about your way of phrasing these things!
(Later, most are assembled in Sickbay, looking over Van Gelder)
Van Gelder: He--he is a monster who seeped his way into my every thought, wanted to know my every last sensation! Have you ever known such an inherently invasive force?
Fish: (Nodding) Yes--I call it-Bernice.
Miller: This man has been put through something well beyond the standard psych regimen. I'm now forced to wonder about Doctor Adams' techniques. That this man is a former colleague of his doesn't help matters, either.
Adm. Luger: Ahhh, Barn! You're just jealous cause my nephew knows how to deal wit the scum of the universe! They should all be droolin' masses o' quiverin' flesh, lyin' around knee-deep in their own doo-dah!
Nick Y: Hey, that reminds me--anyone want more coffee?
Harris: Captain -- am I to take it that we'll be returning laughing boy here to Oz in Wonderland?
Miller: Since that happens to be our duty, Mister Harris, yes. I suppose you'll be breaking out your dress uniform, as usual.
Harris: Nah--not *this* time.
Dietrich: Captain, I may be able to get through Doctor Van Gelder's mental fog. I once worked at a place like Tantalus.
Harris: I thought you said people like this make your skin crawl.
Dietrich: No. I only said that because it was well-timed.
Barney: (Raises an eyebrow) Nick, you have the Conn til we get back. Doctor Fish, Commander Dietrich will assist you in reviving Doctor Van Gelder.
(Fish looks at Dietrich, clearly not relishing time alone with the talkative officer)
Fish: Aye, Captain.
(Everyone leaves; Dietrich starts in)
Dietrich: So how's life been treating you, Doctor Van Gelder?
Van Gelder: AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!
Fish: That's funny. *I* usually don't start screaming until he's been at it a while.
----------------------------------------------------
(Yamane is operating transporter pad)
Nick Y: Hey, Barney? Is it possible that all of Doctor Adams' miracle cures could just end up being big phonies?
Barney: Well, Nick, I have to be honest. Doctor Van Gelder's condition raises serious questions about his colleague's track record.
Nick Y: Huh. Then my bookie is gonna owe me plenty.
Barney: Please don't tell me that you bet on the success record of Penal Rehab Colonies.
Nick Y: Barney, ya gotta understand. I was given a twenty-point spread. These rehab colonies are great for the really big bets. You should see the one I have on Captain Garth.
Barney: Which I don't know about. Ready, Harris?
Harris: Yessss, Captain. One flew east, and one flew west, and one flew over the....
Barney: (Very annoyed) NUMBER ONE!
Harris: (Trying to recover) That...that just happens to be my favorite movie.
Barney: Even though it just happens to be over 300 years old?
Harris: Barney! This elitism just won't do.
Wojo: (Comes in late, tucking his shirt) Sorry, guys. I got lucky. Hehh!
Barney: Wojo--we don't *always* need to be made aware of that.
Wojo: Sorry, Barn. What, things been slow in your cabin lately?
Barney: Just--just get on the padd. Is everyone here?
Nick Y: We're just waiting on the psychology expert.
(In walks Lt. Janice Wentworth, played by Linda Lavin)
Barney: I thought you were our Earth history expert.
Wentworth: That was only when Khotter was on board. *Hi*, Wojo! (Smiles at him, making certain things obvious)
Barney: Wentworth, we are on a schedule here.
Wojo: Don't mind Barney, Jan. Its just been slow for him.
Barney: Wojo.....
Wentworth: I know. Captain, you been with anybody besides me since the Christmas party?
(Barney rubs his head; she gets onto the pad)
Harris+Wojo: You didn't tell me about you and Barney.......
(Beam-out)
Nick Y: Yemana to Comm Station. Establish contact with Las Vegas. And order me some decent noodles.
Leavitt: (On Bridge) No can do, sir. Wentworth is our only comm officer.
Nick Y: (Shakes his head) This crew has just gotta get another woman.
--------------------------------------------
(Down on the surface with Admiral Luger is Doctor Adams)
Barney: Admiral--I thought that we agreed that you *weren't* going to beam down?
Luger: Ahhh, Barn. You know me. I mean, my nephew here has got some choice scumballs in stir, down here. I couldn't resist rattling their little cages. The old Admiral's gotta have some fun, ya know.
Adams: (A little nervous) Actually, Uncle Frank, our recent efforts have made rehabilitation of some hardcore felons truly possible.
Luger: I just knewwww your mother shoulda never named you *Tristan*!
Barney: Doctor Adams, I have some questions about those methods you've used. Doctor Van Gelder described a bright light.
Luger: Oh, you gotta see this thing, Barney! It is be-you-tea-full! It makes these scum WISH they'd had a lobotomy when they shoulda. Makes em' peaceable as lambs, wipes out every last scummy impulse. We just hafta use this thing on The Klingons- -especially those new ones, been cropping up lately. What is up with those foreheads?!
Adams: (Now very nervous, and more so each time his uncle speaks) Well, Captain. Our Neural Neutralizer is a useful tool. But Uncle Frank is wholly exaggerating its capabilities. Sadly, Doctor Van Gelder chose to test it upon himself.
Barney: I'm sorry, Doctor Adams. But while I have the utmost respect for your work, this whole process just sounds blatantly unconstitutional. It seems to deprive these patients of their rights-- perhaps even of their very memories.
Adams: Captain Miller----
Luger: (Interrupts) You bet your sweet bippy it does, Barney! Hey,
Lethe---what are you in here for?
Lethe: I--really don't remember.
Adams: Uncle Frank---Lethe did some things that are best if forgotten entirely.
Luger: You're tellin' me? Sheee took her whole family, and she carved them up so fine, you coulda used them for ham salad. Hey, I think she did, too. Boy oh boy--did she need to be strapped in or what?
Barney: Admiral, please. I want to hear Doctor Adams' side of this. Lt. Wentworth--do you have any questions about this 'Neural Neutralizer'?
Wentworth: Well, it does raise some fundamental questions about....nahhh. No questions, Captain.
(Barney kinds of stares at her)
Barney: Thanks loads, Wentworth.
(Wojo + Harris return)
Harris: Barney--there's something not right about this place. If I were a squirrel, frankly I'd starve to death for want of nuts.
Wojo: I seen the patients wanderin' around, happy as you please, even the hard-cases. Its like some zombie holovid, ya know, right before they tear out your liver and make you watch them eat it.
Barney: Thank you for that description, Wojo. Doctor Adams--care to comment?
(Adams' patients surround them)
Adams: I have a tool to help the sick become better, Captain. What kind of Doctor would I be if I didn't use it?
Luger: Ahhh, yew tell em', nephoow-mine! Barney, he just doesn't get how things really.....
Adams: Shut up, Uncle Frank! I have as little use for your tired brand of reactionary drivel as I do for Captain Miller's endless moralizing.
Luger: Ohhh, so that's how it is. Everyone just wants to push the Old Admiral aside. Its just like on The Constitution. It was me, Bobby April, Georgie Kirk and Old Brownie. I says to Bobby and Georgie---I reaally think that we can take down some wimpy three-headed dragon. So's I lock in the controls to pursue. They talked about court-martial and all that malarkey--while I high-tailed it to an escape pod. Course, I'm not really supposed ta talk about all that...
(Barney is strapped into the Neural Neutralizer chair)
Adams: Captain, you obviously need to relax. Miss Wentworth---here's a chance for you to really help your patient.
(Wentworth is forced to the microphone)
Wentworth: Captain---try not to get so upset when the guys do certain things that annoy you. You should really expect it. I mean (she chuckles) they do the same things *every* time.
(Barney rolls his eyes as the agony hits him)
Author : Rob Morris
Series : Star Trek Remix, specifically TOS
Type : A full-length Remix of ‘Dagger Of The Mind’ and several shorter remixes of other ST eps
Characters : Captain Barney Miller of the USS Noam Pitlik
Rating : PG, for the odd bit of language and innuendo
Summary : The old NCC-1712 investigates penal colony Tantalus Five and its director, Doctor Tristan Adams (James Gregory), nephew of Admiral Frank Luger (James Gregory). With the able, if somewhat trying, aid of First Officer Harris (Ron Glass), Security Officer Wojohowiecz, Helmsman Yamane, Science Officer Dietrich and pert-near-everything Officer Wentworth (Linda Lavin), Captain Barney Miller does his part to explore the final frontier. Just another day in space aboard the old one-two.
Luger of the Mind
by Rob Morris
Barney: Captain's Log, Bernard Miller, Commanding The Noam Pitlik, recording. We are at this time conducting a routine stop above Penal Rehab Colony Tantalus Five......
Harris: .......otherwise known as the Federation Fruit Farm.
(Barney turns, glares at Harris)
Barney: Number One, please either keep such commentary to yourself, or at the very minimum, make it more respectful.
Harris: (Smiling) Tantalus Tutti-Fruti?
(Barney gives up, looks at Nav/Console)
Barney: Mister Yamane, have we achieved standard orbit above Tantalus Five?
(Nick Yamane somewhat wearily looks up at the screen)
Nick: Uhhh...I guess, Barn. I mean, there does seem to be a planet below us. Sure looks like it, anyway. Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and say there is.
(Barney shakes his head; Yamane shrugs; Barney continues his log)
Barney: Here, Admiral Luger was hoping for a brief reunion with his nephew, Tantalus Colony Director Tristan Adams. Unfortunately, our schedule does not allow......
(Leaning on the rail behind Barney is Admiral Frank Luger, who interrupts)
Luger: Tristan....my sister just haaadddaa go and name him Tristan. You know, Barn......I was truly worried about that boy, til he took an interest in girls. Wadda relief that was....til he went and turned around and took up *Lacrosse* at the Academy.....
(Barney cuts him off)
Barney: Miller to Fish. Doctor, have the containers from Tantalus been beamed up safely?
(In the transporter room)
Fish: How should I know? I'm a Doctor, not a transporter Chief.
(He pauses; shakes his head)
Fish: I'm not even a very good doctor. My feet are.....
Barney: (Annoyed) Wojo--are the materials up yet?
Wojo: Yeah, Barn. Dietrich is giving them the once-over.
Dietrich: They're boxes all right.
Wojo: But shouldn't ya check em' out for bio-hazardous junk or escaped loonies, or somethin'?
Dietrich: Nah. To hide in there---a guy'd have to be crazy.
(Turns and looks)
Dietrich: Oh, yeah.
(Does a cursory check; Shrugs)
Dietrich: I still say they're boxes.
Fish: Can we go?
Wojo: Yeah, let's get to dinner while Barney's recording his dumb log. Why's he do that, anyway?
Dietrich: You know, our ancestors used to record diaries of such great
length and breadth----
(Fish and Wojo glare)
Dietrich: That they were really, really long!
(All three leave and do not see Van Gelder escape as the teaser ends)
--------------------------------------------
(Furtively , Van Gelder darts through the halls; two security men fall as they try to stop him)
Leavitt: Leavitt to Chief Dietrich! Sir, WE have a situation. Some psycho-nutburger is on a tear through the passages. I got two injured men.
Dietrich: (On audio) Y'know, Carl--have you ever stopped to consider how much time we all spend diminishing each other with these little nicknames? Psycho-Burger, Fruit-Loops, Twinkie-Dink, Belfrystreet Boys---
Barney: (Interrupts) Dietrich, just get down there and help Leavitt.
(Dietrich and Harris enter turbolift)
Dietrich: But it really is true. Rooted in the human psyche is this need to ward off the perceived curse of mental illness by attacking, even in the most civil and restrained fashion.....
Harris: (Rolling his eyes) Some days, this lift takes longer than others.
Dietrich: ....those people who, through the luck of the genetic draw and nothing else, just don't know how to function in a society that is contradictory and often deliberately irritating.
Harris: Sounds like you've worked in a place like Tantalus.
Dietrich: What are you, nuts? Those people make my skin crawl.
(Leavitt is chasing Van Gelder as they emerge; They join the pursuit; Harris has trouble keeping up)
Leavitt: (Smiling) Sirs, I recommend that First Officer Harris fall back- -especially if he can't quite keep up.
Harris: I guess those lil' legs carry you pretty fast, don't they, Mister Leavitt?
Leavitt: Almost as far as a big mouth will--sir.
Harris: Leavitt, I'm shocked! Dietrich--did you hear what he just said about you?
(As the chase continues, Wojo emerges from the galley)
Wojo: Hey, guys--the coffee's actually good. I think Nick Yamane must have finally---
(Van Gelder crashes headlong into Wojo; He is thrown back, and then collapses)
Harris: Thank God for brick walls.
Leavitt: (Holds phaser over Van Gelder) All right you--don't move!
(Dietrich looks down)
Dietrich: I think ya got em', gunslinger.
Wojo: (On audio) Hey, Barn--we caught this guy. I think he musta got away from Tantalus.
Barney: (Quite annoyed) Wojo, could he have possibly arrived here in one of the containers that you, Fish and Dietrich were supposed to have inspected?
Wojo: Well, Duh, Barn! How the hell else could her have escaped? I mean, geez, talk about obvious.
Barney: We'll discuss this later. Now, how is the prisoner?
Wojo: Oh, he's dead.
Barney: (Looks down) I understand. I know you did your best.
Wojo: Yeah, he's dead to the world, Captain. Prolly be an hour fore he comes to. Barney: Lt. Cmdr. Wojohowiecz! I have warned you on countless occasions about your way of phrasing these things!
(Later, most are assembled in Sickbay, looking over Van Gelder)
Van Gelder: He--he is a monster who seeped his way into my every thought, wanted to know my every last sensation! Have you ever known such an inherently invasive force?
Fish: (Nodding) Yes--I call it-Bernice.
Miller: This man has been put through something well beyond the standard psych regimen. I'm now forced to wonder about Doctor Adams' techniques. That this man is a former colleague of his doesn't help matters, either.
Adm. Luger: Ahhh, Barn! You're just jealous cause my nephew knows how to deal wit the scum of the universe! They should all be droolin' masses o' quiverin' flesh, lyin' around knee-deep in their own doo-dah!
Nick Y: Hey, that reminds me--anyone want more coffee?
Harris: Captain -- am I to take it that we'll be returning laughing boy here to Oz in Wonderland?
Miller: Since that happens to be our duty, Mister Harris, yes. I suppose you'll be breaking out your dress uniform, as usual.
Harris: Nah--not *this* time.
Dietrich: Captain, I may be able to get through Doctor Van Gelder's mental fog. I once worked at a place like Tantalus.
Harris: I thought you said people like this make your skin crawl.
Dietrich: No. I only said that because it was well-timed.
Barney: (Raises an eyebrow) Nick, you have the Conn til we get back. Doctor Fish, Commander Dietrich will assist you in reviving Doctor Van Gelder.
(Fish looks at Dietrich, clearly not relishing time alone with the talkative officer)
Fish: Aye, Captain.
(Everyone leaves; Dietrich starts in)
Dietrich: So how's life been treating you, Doctor Van Gelder?
Van Gelder: AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!
Fish: That's funny. *I* usually don't start screaming until he's been at it a while.
----------------------------------------------------
(Yamane is operating transporter pad)
Nick Y: Hey, Barney? Is it possible that all of Doctor Adams' miracle cures could just end up being big phonies?
Barney: Well, Nick, I have to be honest. Doctor Van Gelder's condition raises serious questions about his colleague's track record.
Nick Y: Huh. Then my bookie is gonna owe me plenty.
Barney: Please don't tell me that you bet on the success record of Penal Rehab Colonies.
Nick Y: Barney, ya gotta understand. I was given a twenty-point spread. These rehab colonies are great for the really big bets. You should see the one I have on Captain Garth.
Barney: Which I don't know about. Ready, Harris?
Harris: Yessss, Captain. One flew east, and one flew west, and one flew over the....
Barney: (Very annoyed) NUMBER ONE!
Harris: (Trying to recover) That...that just happens to be my favorite movie.
Barney: Even though it just happens to be over 300 years old?
Harris: Barney! This elitism just won't do.
Wojo: (Comes in late, tucking his shirt) Sorry, guys. I got lucky. Hehh!
Barney: Wojo--we don't *always* need to be made aware of that.
Wojo: Sorry, Barn. What, things been slow in your cabin lately?
Barney: Just--just get on the padd. Is everyone here?
Nick Y: We're just waiting on the psychology expert.
(In walks Lt. Janice Wentworth, played by Linda Lavin)
Barney: I thought you were our Earth history expert.
Wentworth: That was only when Khotter was on board. *Hi*, Wojo! (Smiles at him, making certain things obvious)
Barney: Wentworth, we are on a schedule here.
Wojo: Don't mind Barney, Jan. Its just been slow for him.
Barney: Wojo.....
Wentworth: I know. Captain, you been with anybody besides me since the Christmas party?
(Barney rubs his head; she gets onto the pad)
Harris+Wojo: You didn't tell me about you and Barney.......
(Beam-out)
Nick Y: Yemana to Comm Station. Establish contact with Las Vegas. And order me some decent noodles.
Leavitt: (On Bridge) No can do, sir. Wentworth is our only comm officer.
Nick Y: (Shakes his head) This crew has just gotta get another woman.
--------------------------------------------
(Down on the surface with Admiral Luger is Doctor Adams)
Barney: Admiral--I thought that we agreed that you *weren't* going to beam down?
Luger: Ahhh, Barn. You know me. I mean, my nephew here has got some choice scumballs in stir, down here. I couldn't resist rattling their little cages. The old Admiral's gotta have some fun, ya know.
Adams: (A little nervous) Actually, Uncle Frank, our recent efforts have made rehabilitation of some hardcore felons truly possible.
Luger: I just knewwww your mother shoulda never named you *Tristan*!
Barney: Doctor Adams, I have some questions about those methods you've used. Doctor Van Gelder described a bright light.
Luger: Oh, you gotta see this thing, Barney! It is be-you-tea-full! It makes these scum WISH they'd had a lobotomy when they shoulda. Makes em' peaceable as lambs, wipes out every last scummy impulse. We just hafta use this thing on The Klingons- -especially those new ones, been cropping up lately. What is up with those foreheads?!
Adams: (Now very nervous, and more so each time his uncle speaks) Well, Captain. Our Neural Neutralizer is a useful tool. But Uncle Frank is wholly exaggerating its capabilities. Sadly, Doctor Van Gelder chose to test it upon himself.
Barney: I'm sorry, Doctor Adams. But while I have the utmost respect for your work, this whole process just sounds blatantly unconstitutional. It seems to deprive these patients of their rights-- perhaps even of their very memories.
Adams: Captain Miller----
Luger: (Interrupts) You bet your sweet bippy it does, Barney! Hey,
Lethe---what are you in here for?
Lethe: I--really don't remember.
Adams: Uncle Frank---Lethe did some things that are best if forgotten entirely.
Luger: You're tellin' me? Sheee took her whole family, and she carved them up so fine, you coulda used them for ham salad. Hey, I think she did, too. Boy oh boy--did she need to be strapped in or what?
Barney: Admiral, please. I want to hear Doctor Adams' side of this. Lt. Wentworth--do you have any questions about this 'Neural Neutralizer'?
Wentworth: Well, it does raise some fundamental questions about....nahhh. No questions, Captain.
(Barney kinds of stares at her)
Barney: Thanks loads, Wentworth.
(Wojo + Harris return)
Harris: Barney--there's something not right about this place. If I were a squirrel, frankly I'd starve to death for want of nuts.
Wojo: I seen the patients wanderin' around, happy as you please, even the hard-cases. Its like some zombie holovid, ya know, right before they tear out your liver and make you watch them eat it.
Barney: Thank you for that description, Wojo. Doctor Adams--care to comment?
(Adams' patients surround them)
Adams: I have a tool to help the sick become better, Captain. What kind of Doctor would I be if I didn't use it?
Luger: Ahhh, yew tell em', nephoow-mine! Barney, he just doesn't get how things really.....
Adams: Shut up, Uncle Frank! I have as little use for your tired brand of reactionary drivel as I do for Captain Miller's endless moralizing.
Luger: Ohhh, so that's how it is. Everyone just wants to push the Old Admiral aside. Its just like on The Constitution. It was me, Bobby April, Georgie Kirk and Old Brownie. I says to Bobby and Georgie---I reaally think that we can take down some wimpy three-headed dragon. So's I lock in the controls to pursue. They talked about court-martial and all that malarkey--while I high-tailed it to an escape pod. Course, I'm not really supposed ta talk about all that...
(Barney is strapped into the Neural Neutralizer chair)
Adams: Captain, you obviously need to relax. Miss Wentworth---here's a chance for you to really help your patient.
(Wentworth is forced to the microphone)
Wentworth: Captain---try not to get so upset when the guys do certain things that annoy you. You should really expect it. I mean (she chuckles) they do the same things *every* time.
(Barney rolls his eyes as the agony hits him)
--------------------------------------------
(A very weary Barney is returned to the holding cell)
Wojo: Hey, Barn--you okay?
Harris: Yeah, Barney. This place does not agree with you.
(Sits down)
Barney: Lets just say its not an experience I'd recommend. He forced me to relive Chano-Scanlon--everything.
Wentworth: Its funny, Captain. Doctor Adams only did that when he couldn't program anything into you.
Harris: Like anyone *could*.
Barney: And just what is that supposed to mean, Commander Harris?
Wojo: He means yer stubborn, Barn.
Harris: Now, that is *not* what I meant at all. I just meant that---errrrr--that no one will EVER break the Captain Of The Noam Pitlik!
Wojo: Yeah--that's what you meant. And Stanislaw Wojohowiecz is an Irish name.
Harris: Pity that dry wit never helps you with the Commander's exam.
Barney: For now, may I suggest that we just concentrate our efforts and our attention on getting out of here?
Wojo: You called it, Harris. Boy, is he stubborn.
Harris: Oh--you're telling me? I was six chapters into writing 'Blood On The CommBadge', and he just insisted that I break my entire train of thought....
Barney: And perform your duty as a Starfleet Officer?
Harris: Barney! Ouch!
Wentworth: Captain--is there anything I can do?
Barney: (Sarcas) Well, you could try not praising Doctor Adams' work while I'm under the Neural Neutralizer. (Serious) But for now, just make him think you agree with what he's doing. That should buy us some time.
Wojo: Buy us time. Heh. Hey, Barn--you always use that one.
Harris: No, no. He always uses 'Harris, take Wojo and Fish and scan the perimeter for hostiles.' Then, he always finds them, and we go running, when we could have all just stayed together.
Wentworth: Nah. He mostly tells me and Leavitt to stay on The Bridge--and away from any possibility of promotion.
Barney: Do I ever say that I'm tired of a particular conversation, and just might be of a mind to convene a court-martial for general insubordination?
Harris: mmmm....Not too often.
--------------------------------------------
(Back aboard The Pitlik)
Dr. Fish: So you got Van Gelder to talk. How? The man was not what you'd call coherent. He reminds me of me when Bernice's family visits.
Dietrich: I used an old and trusted technique, involving holding a finger in front of someone's eyes and then slowly pulling it away. Done correctly, it can calm anyone, even a grieving parent or spouse in the initial throes.
Fish: And if it's done incorrectly?
Dietrich: You like vegetable soup?
(Turns serious)
Dietrich: Doctor, meet me on The Bridge. The Captain and the landing party are in grave danger.
(He leaves)
Fish: CMO to transporter room. Intra-ship transport, from Sickbay to Bridge.
Chief: But sir---intraship transport is tricky. It can result in instant death.
Fish: At my age---*most* things can result in instant death.
(On The Bridge)
Dietrich: Good work, Yemana. You got us back into orbit over Tantalus in record time.
Fish: I'm impressed. And not much impresses me anymore. Actually, very little has ever impressed me. I'm just that way.
Yemana: Actually, guys---we kinda never left orbit. See, Barney always orders us to break orbit, and then he orders us back again, to pull him out. So I never left.
Dietrich: But what about that gas giant we were supposed to scan?
Yemana: Oh, it blew up fine without us. I got footage from GNN.
Leavitt: Sirs --- I can get us through the shield surrounding Tantalus. But I'll need something from you.
Fish: Leavitt, for God's sake, whatever it is, just have us do it. Barney's life is at stake.
Dietrich: What do you need to get through the shield, Lieutenant?
Leavitt: (Smarmy) Affidavits, signed by you, saying that I got us through the shield. Promotion time---is almost here!
---------------------------------------
(Back on Tantalus, Barney and his crew have escaped)
Barney: We'll escape through the vents.
Harris: Oh, no. This is crazy air, and I don't need the scent.
Barney: Fine. Wojo, Wentworth---you two go through the vents. I'll try and draw Doctor Adams' attention.
Wojo: How?
Barney: I'll-I'll improvise! Just get going.
(In The NN Room, Dietrich has captured and secured Doctor Adams, who is strapped to the chair)
Adams: Arthur, surely you of all people see the vital work I'm doing here.
Dietrich: You mean the work that betters the galaxy by putting aside vague ethical questions in favor of real-world results? The work that has the sheer guts to say that incorrigible is a defeatist term, and declares our overly patient regimen with the mentally afflicted and criminally insane to once and for all be at an end, replaced at last by something that actually dares to cure the patient?
Adams: So you do understand.
Dietrich: Nah. I just say things like that, when I get on a tear. It really annoys the hell out of Captain Miller.
(He leaves; Finds Barney&Harris)
Barney: Dietrich--help us find Wojo+Wentworth!
(W+W emerge, hair and clothes tousled)
Wojo: Heh. Sorry, Barn. We got a little busy in the vents.
Wentworth: Stanny---next time, try impulse speed instead of Warp 9.
Wojo: Don't--don't say stuff like that. It gets around.
Barney: May I suggest we forget all this and secure Doctor Adams?
Dietrich: I already have him, Captain.
(They enter the NN room; Adams is dead and the NN is running)
Fish: It must have gone on by accident. I have a pacemaker like that.
Harris: I thought you had an artificial
heart.
Fish: Every little bit helps.
Barney: Can you imagine it? A mind emptied by that-that thing? Without even a tormentor as company?
(Admiral Luger emerges)
Luger: Wadaya talkin' bout, Barney? I turned that thing on. Yeah, I talked to my nephew about the good old days with me, Bobby April, Georgie Kirk and Old Brownie! Then I did some straight talk to him about how his mother--my airhead sister--shoulda never given him a frilly name like *Tristan*!
(He leaves; Barney looks sad)
Barney: Commander Harris--arrest Admiral Luger, and take him into custody in our brig. Charge--felony homicide.
Harris: (Smiling) You've been waiting for this, haven't you, Captain?
(Adams' body is removed; Fish returns to
Neural Neutralizer; Inserts a recording into microphone; Turns NN on; Sits down)
Fish's voice: You have never been married; You don't know anybody named Bernice.....
(Fish smiles as the show ends)
--------------------------------------------
(A very weary Barney is returned to the holding cell)
Wojo: Hey, Barn--you okay?
Harris: Yeah, Barney. This place does not agree with you.
(Sits down)
Barney: Lets just say its not an experience I'd recommend. He forced me to relive Chano-Scanlon--everything.
Wentworth: Its funny, Captain. Doctor Adams only did that when he couldn't program anything into you.
Harris: Like anyone *could*.
Barney: And just what is that supposed to mean, Commander Harris?
Wojo: He means yer stubborn, Barn.
Harris: Now, that is *not* what I meant at all. I just meant that---errrrr--that no one will EVER break the Captain Of The Noam Pitlik!
Wojo: Yeah--that's what you meant. And Stanislaw Wojohowiecz is an Irish name.
Harris: Pity that dry wit never helps you with the Commander's exam.
Barney: For now, may I suggest that we just concentrate our efforts and our attention on getting out of here?
Wojo: You called it, Harris. Boy, is he stubborn.
Harris: Oh--you're telling me? I was six chapters into writing 'Blood On The CommBadge', and he just insisted that I break my entire train of thought....
Barney: And perform your duty as a Starfleet Officer?
Harris: Barney! Ouch!
Wentworth: Captain--is there anything I can do?
Barney: (Sarcas) Well, you could try not praising Doctor Adams' work while I'm under the Neural Neutralizer. (Serious) But for now, just make him think you agree with what he's doing. That should buy us some time.
Wojo: Buy us time. Heh. Hey, Barn--you always use that one.
Harris: No, no. He always uses 'Harris, take Wojo and Fish and scan the perimeter for hostiles.' Then, he always finds them, and we go running, when we could have all just stayed together.
Wentworth: Nah. He mostly tells me and Leavitt to stay on The Bridge--and away from any possibility of promotion.
Barney: Do I ever say that I'm tired of a particular conversation, and just might be of a mind to convene a court-martial for general insubordination?
Harris: mmmm....Not too often.
--------------------------------------------
(Back aboard The Pitlik)
Dr. Fish: So you got Van Gelder to talk. How? The man was not what you'd call coherent. He reminds me of me when Bernice's family visits.
Dietrich: I used an old and trusted technique, involving holding a finger in front of someone's eyes and then slowly pulling it away. Done correctly, it can calm anyone, even a grieving parent or spouse in the initial throes.
Fish: And if it's done incorrectly?
Dietrich: You like vegetable soup?
(Turns serious)
Dietrich: Doctor, meet me on The Bridge. The Captain and the landing party are in grave danger.
(He leaves)
Fish: CMO to transporter room. Intra-ship transport, from Sickbay to Bridge.
Chief: But sir---intraship transport is tricky. It can result in instant death.
Fish: At my age---*most* things can result in instant death.
(On The Bridge)
Dietrich: Good work, Yemana. You got us back into orbit over Tantalus in record time.
Fish: I'm impressed. And not much impresses me anymore. Actually, very little has ever impressed me. I'm just that way.
Yemana: Actually, guys---we kinda never left orbit. See, Barney always orders us to break orbit, and then he orders us back again, to pull him out. So I never left.
Dietrich: But what about that gas giant we were supposed to scan?
Yemana: Oh, it blew up fine without us. I got footage from GNN.
Leavitt: Sirs --- I can get us through the shield surrounding Tantalus. But I'll need something from you.
Fish: Leavitt, for God's sake, whatever it is, just have us do it. Barney's life is at stake.
Dietrich: What do you need to get through the shield, Lieutenant?
Leavitt: (Smarmy) Affidavits, signed by you, saying that I got us through the shield. Promotion time---is almost here!
---------------------------------------
(Back on Tantalus, Barney and his crew have escaped)
Barney: We'll escape through the vents.
Harris: Oh, no. This is crazy air, and I don't need the scent.
Barney: Fine. Wojo, Wentworth---you two go through the vents. I'll try and draw Doctor Adams' attention.
Wojo: How?
Barney: I'll-I'll improvise! Just get going.
(In The NN Room, Dietrich has captured and secured Doctor Adams, who is strapped to the chair)
Adams: Arthur, surely you of all people see the vital work I'm doing here.
Dietrich: You mean the work that betters the galaxy by putting aside vague ethical questions in favor of real-world results? The work that has the sheer guts to say that incorrigible is a defeatist term, and declares our overly patient regimen with the mentally afflicted and criminally insane to once and for all be at an end, replaced at last by something that actually dares to cure the patient?
Adams: So you do understand.
Dietrich: Nah. I just say things like that, when I get on a tear. It really annoys the hell out of Captain Miller.
(He leaves; Finds Barney&Harris)
Barney: Dietrich--help us find Wojo+Wentworth!
(W+W emerge, hair and clothes tousled)
Wojo: Heh. Sorry, Barn. We got a little busy in the vents.
Wentworth: Stanny---next time, try impulse speed instead of Warp 9.
Wojo: Don't--don't say stuff like that. It gets around.
Barney: May I suggest we forget all this and secure Doctor Adams?
Dietrich: I already have him, Captain.
(They enter the NN room; Adams is dead and the NN is running)
Fish: It must have gone on by accident. I have a pacemaker like that.
Harris: I thought you had an artificial
heart.
Fish: Every little bit helps.
Barney: Can you imagine it? A mind emptied by that-that thing? Without even a tormentor as company?
(Admiral Luger emerges)
Luger: Wadaya talkin' bout, Barney? I turned that thing on. Yeah, I talked to my nephew about the good old days with me, Bobby April, Georgie Kirk and Old Brownie! Then I did some straight talk to him about how his mother--my airhead sister--shoulda never given him a frilly name like *Tristan*!
(He leaves; Barney looks sad)
Barney: Commander Harris--arrest Admiral Luger, and take him into custody in our brig. Charge--felony homicide.
Harris: (Smiling) You've been waiting for this, haven't you, Captain?
(Adams' body is removed; Fish returns to
Neural Neutralizer; Inserts a recording into microphone; Turns NN on; Sits down)
Fish's voice: You have never been married; You don't know anybody named Bernice.....
(Fish smiles as the show ends)
--------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------
Where No Chano Has Gone Before
(Chano Amanguela and Barney are on Delta Vega---merely talking)
Chano: (Sitting on a rock, back turned to Barney; his voice echoes a bit) I'm...gonna have to stay here, aren't I?
Barney: (Looking sad but firm) Chano, you called us all bugs. Told me you were a new breed of man. The old breed has some problems with that.
Chano: (Turns and looks) I didn't mean any of that, Barney. This--this power is just making me crazy. Please don't leave me here. I'm alone. Tell me, are you really contemplating the death of an old friendship?
Barney: Chano---we go back to your first year at the Academy. I knew who I wanted as XO. The crazy guy who--who took a poison dart for me, and nearly died. Now, though---well, you yourself said Dietrich was right.
Chano: Dietrich is always right, Barney. He never stops yapping---but he's always right. With me gone, you'll need someone like him. So are ya gonna try and kill me?
Barney: No. Not over a bad trip into the Barrier. Me--I kind of like to cheat death, not help it out.
Chano: I'm gonna create my own world here, Barney. (His eyes glow) You should go now. That old junkman near where I used to live--he didn't like trespassers. Actually--he didn't like anybody, really. Used to call his son a big dum.....
(Barney has by now beamed out; Chano sits and begins to just sob; the world around him begins to shift to the Watts of his youth)
(Back on The Noam Pitlik)
Wojo: Uhh, Barn--did you....?
Harris: You know, did you have to....?
Yamane: Chano, is he..did you....?
Fish: Was it quic----was it diff---how did it all---?
Barney: (Very upset) NO! NO! I didn't kill a man I've known for years just because he's become something we don't understand! Unless he was an active threat to my ship or my crew, no, I was not going to kill him, so you can all take your advice about what I have to do, what I was supposed to do, and you can just....
(Yamane hands him a padd)
Nick: Barn---Starfleet, they just sent this. Uhhh--six months back, The Enterprise ran into the Barrier. Same thing happened.
(Barney reads it)
Barney: Please be advised to avoid the Barrier at The Galactic Rim--Admiralty Hall. (Stares harshly at it) These people have no clue! I just lost one of the best friends----
(The others look down, Barney walks to his chair; Dietrich comes in)
Barney: Mister Dietrich.
Dietrich: Captain. How did the situation with Mister Chano go?
Barney: (Glares) I didn't kill him, if that's what you mean. I ignored your advice, and your multiplying pennies, and your lecture on Cro-Magnon versus Neanderthal, and I let my friend live out his days in peace on that world below us. Anything to add to all that?
Dietrich: Just one thing, Captain.
Barney: And that is?
Dietrich: (Deadly serious) Thank God.
(Barney looks at all their faces; Sees that this has gone down hard all around; Nods)
Barney: Let's get the hell out of here.
--------------------------------------------
The Lawyer Of Gothos
(The Crew of the Noam Pitlik beam down to retrieve a kidnapped Barney and Dietrich)
Wojo: Boy, this place is done up in early dump!
(The setting is a suspiciously familiar squadroom from the late 20th Century)
Yamane: Wow! They got an actual Mister Coffee. I think it was invented by a former baseball player who wrote one of Paul Simon's songs about his wife, a former actress who died in a car crash.
Harris: Thank God he's not ship's historian.
Fish: (Sees frozen Barney and Dietrich)
I'm afraid to try and revive them. I think this is the longest I've seen either of them go without talking.
(Later, Arnold Ripner has appeared)
Ripner: In observing your primitive world, I found that these--attorneys--as you call them, are the dominant power on your planet.
Miller: Errr, Mister Ripner--your information is tragically out of date. People with constabulary functions no longer sit in rooms like these, waiting for crimes to occur.
Dietrich: Also, attorneys are rarely in use anymore. Our system of justice has finally achieved a level of innate fairness and accessibility that places the needs of the citizenry first and the state last.
Fish: You're wrong! If things are so blasted fair---then why I am still married to Bernice?
Barney: Phil--I happen to know you love that woman.
Fish: That still doesn't answer my question.
Ripner: Enough! I have come to sue the crew of The Noam Pitlik on trial for cosmic brutality. If you lose, then your existence will be negated entirely.
(The trial; Each one is questioned in turn)
Ripner: All the poor creature wanted was salt--and you killed it.
Barney: It was drawing that salt from us, and killing my people in the process. We could have helped it, if it had merely asked.
Ripner: So my client died because of your faulty Universal Translator.
-----
Ripner: So you admit that you allowed Charlie Evans to be taken by the Thasians. A cold, unfeeling people. A harsh reality for a young man.
Harris: One, he represented a threat to our ship. Two, he had already murdered without conscience. And three---
(Harris gets up, and swipes at the air with his finger)
Harris: ---he turned my date into a monitor lizard!
-----
Ripner: So you wiped out an entire species on Deneva. Those neural parasites infested your wife and adopted children, so you just had to take savage vengeance, isn't that right, Doctor?
Fish: Actually, only the kids were infected. For some reason--they wouldn't touch Bernice.
Wojo: Hey, Fish--what happened to Loomis?
Fish: Some rich guy adopted him and his little brother. I haven't heard much, since then.
----------
Ripner: Do you deny any of the things that I've observed, Commander Dietrich? The countless and repeated crimes?
Dietrich: I deny nothing. I will however, point out that the rules of physics say that experimental observation changes both the observed and the observer.
Ripner: Meaning what?
Dietrich: Are we being judged by 23rd or 20th Century legal precedent?
Ripner: (Smiling) The 20th, of course. In this era, an aggressive attorney could run the entire courtroom.
Dietrich: Are you sure you want that?
Ripner: Certain. Why wouldn't I?
Dietrich: Because 20th Century law flirted with the largely discredited notion of casual observer responsibility. At one point in the early 21st Century, anyone who failed to take a bullet for someone else could be prosecuted.
Ripner: So?
Dietrich: By observing all our actions, and then failing to intervene in what you saw as crimes when you clearly had the power to do so--makes you a criminal according to the very laws you're using against us. Its in the judge's opinion, State Of Virginia vs. Seinfeld, 1998.
(Ripner's people call him home)
Ripner: Noooooooooo!!!!!!!
(Vanishes)
Barney: Now, that was very satisfying.
Wojo: Yeah--how is it you know so much about law?
(They all move to leave, and Dietrich shrugs)
Dietrich: You ever hear the phrase, 'It takes a thief'?
(After they go, Nick comes back and takes the Mister Coffee)
Nick Y: The ancients knew sooo many secrets.
(His eyes dart around; then he leaves the squadroom)
Where No Chano Has Gone Before
(Chano Amanguela and Barney are on Delta Vega---merely talking)
Chano: (Sitting on a rock, back turned to Barney; his voice echoes a bit) I'm...gonna have to stay here, aren't I?
Barney: (Looking sad but firm) Chano, you called us all bugs. Told me you were a new breed of man. The old breed has some problems with that.
Chano: (Turns and looks) I didn't mean any of that, Barney. This--this power is just making me crazy. Please don't leave me here. I'm alone. Tell me, are you really contemplating the death of an old friendship?
Barney: Chano---we go back to your first year at the Academy. I knew who I wanted as XO. The crazy guy who--who took a poison dart for me, and nearly died. Now, though---well, you yourself said Dietrich was right.
Chano: Dietrich is always right, Barney. He never stops yapping---but he's always right. With me gone, you'll need someone like him. So are ya gonna try and kill me?
Barney: No. Not over a bad trip into the Barrier. Me--I kind of like to cheat death, not help it out.
Chano: I'm gonna create my own world here, Barney. (His eyes glow) You should go now. That old junkman near where I used to live--he didn't like trespassers. Actually--he didn't like anybody, really. Used to call his son a big dum.....
(Barney has by now beamed out; Chano sits and begins to just sob; the world around him begins to shift to the Watts of his youth)
(Back on The Noam Pitlik)
Wojo: Uhh, Barn--did you....?
Harris: You know, did you have to....?
Yamane: Chano, is he..did you....?
Fish: Was it quic----was it diff---how did it all---?
Barney: (Very upset) NO! NO! I didn't kill a man I've known for years just because he's become something we don't understand! Unless he was an active threat to my ship or my crew, no, I was not going to kill him, so you can all take your advice about what I have to do, what I was supposed to do, and you can just....
(Yamane hands him a padd)
Nick: Barn---Starfleet, they just sent this. Uhhh--six months back, The Enterprise ran into the Barrier. Same thing happened.
(Barney reads it)
Barney: Please be advised to avoid the Barrier at The Galactic Rim--Admiralty Hall. (Stares harshly at it) These people have no clue! I just lost one of the best friends----
(The others look down, Barney walks to his chair; Dietrich comes in)
Barney: Mister Dietrich.
Dietrich: Captain. How did the situation with Mister Chano go?
Barney: (Glares) I didn't kill him, if that's what you mean. I ignored your advice, and your multiplying pennies, and your lecture on Cro-Magnon versus Neanderthal, and I let my friend live out his days in peace on that world below us. Anything to add to all that?
Dietrich: Just one thing, Captain.
Barney: And that is?
Dietrich: (Deadly serious) Thank God.
(Barney looks at all their faces; Sees that this has gone down hard all around; Nods)
Barney: Let's get the hell out of here.
--------------------------------------------
The Lawyer Of Gothos
(The Crew of the Noam Pitlik beam down to retrieve a kidnapped Barney and Dietrich)
Wojo: Boy, this place is done up in early dump!
(The setting is a suspiciously familiar squadroom from the late 20th Century)
Yamane: Wow! They got an actual Mister Coffee. I think it was invented by a former baseball player who wrote one of Paul Simon's songs about his wife, a former actress who died in a car crash.
Harris: Thank God he's not ship's historian.
Fish: (Sees frozen Barney and Dietrich)
I'm afraid to try and revive them. I think this is the longest I've seen either of them go without talking.
(Later, Arnold Ripner has appeared)
Ripner: In observing your primitive world, I found that these--attorneys--as you call them, are the dominant power on your planet.
Miller: Errr, Mister Ripner--your information is tragically out of date. People with constabulary functions no longer sit in rooms like these, waiting for crimes to occur.
Dietrich: Also, attorneys are rarely in use anymore. Our system of justice has finally achieved a level of innate fairness and accessibility that places the needs of the citizenry first and the state last.
Fish: You're wrong! If things are so blasted fair---then why I am still married to Bernice?
Barney: Phil--I happen to know you love that woman.
Fish: That still doesn't answer my question.
Ripner: Enough! I have come to sue the crew of The Noam Pitlik on trial for cosmic brutality. If you lose, then your existence will be negated entirely.
(The trial; Each one is questioned in turn)
Ripner: All the poor creature wanted was salt--and you killed it.
Barney: It was drawing that salt from us, and killing my people in the process. We could have helped it, if it had merely asked.
Ripner: So my client died because of your faulty Universal Translator.
-----
Ripner: So you admit that you allowed Charlie Evans to be taken by the Thasians. A cold, unfeeling people. A harsh reality for a young man.
Harris: One, he represented a threat to our ship. Two, he had already murdered without conscience. And three---
(Harris gets up, and swipes at the air with his finger)
Harris: ---he turned my date into a monitor lizard!
-----
Ripner: So you wiped out an entire species on Deneva. Those neural parasites infested your wife and adopted children, so you just had to take savage vengeance, isn't that right, Doctor?
Fish: Actually, only the kids were infected. For some reason--they wouldn't touch Bernice.
Wojo: Hey, Fish--what happened to Loomis?
Fish: Some rich guy adopted him and his little brother. I haven't heard much, since then.
----------
Ripner: Do you deny any of the things that I've observed, Commander Dietrich? The countless and repeated crimes?
Dietrich: I deny nothing. I will however, point out that the rules of physics say that experimental observation changes both the observed and the observer.
Ripner: Meaning what?
Dietrich: Are we being judged by 23rd or 20th Century legal precedent?
Ripner: (Smiling) The 20th, of course. In this era, an aggressive attorney could run the entire courtroom.
Dietrich: Are you sure you want that?
Ripner: Certain. Why wouldn't I?
Dietrich: Because 20th Century law flirted with the largely discredited notion of casual observer responsibility. At one point in the early 21st Century, anyone who failed to take a bullet for someone else could be prosecuted.
Ripner: So?
Dietrich: By observing all our actions, and then failing to intervene in what you saw as crimes when you clearly had the power to do so--makes you a criminal according to the very laws you're using against us. Its in the judge's opinion, State Of Virginia vs. Seinfeld, 1998.
(Ripner's people call him home)
Ripner: Noooooooooo!!!!!!!
(Vanishes)
Barney: Now, that was very satisfying.
Wojo: Yeah--how is it you know so much about law?
(They all move to leave, and Dietrich shrugs)
Dietrich: You ever hear the phrase, 'It takes a thief'?
(After they go, Nick comes back and takes the Mister Coffee)
Nick Y: The ancients knew sooo many secrets.
(His eyes dart around; then he leaves the squadroom)
Turning The Drum On Its Head
(Wojo walks in on Barney, alone in the briefing room)
Wojo: Hey, Barn? Admiral Scanlon is off the ship. He's gone.
Barney: Is he really, Wojo? I mean, look what one little visit from Fleet Internal Affairs did to this ship, this crew. No, Scanlon's still with us. He'll always be with us.
Wojo: No, no. I seen him beam off mys...ohhhhh. You're bein' philosophical.
Barney: We like to think that that Salem, The Inquisition, The Red Scare---that its all behind us. It never takes much to start it all over again.
Wojo: (Sheepishly) Uhhh...maybe I shoudna been helping Scanlon find out all that stuff about us.
(Barney nods and speaks sarcastically)
Barney: Next time--let's keep that in mind, shall we?
-------------------------------------------------
Dietrifichation
(Ambassador Dietrich is walking with Commander Data on Romulus)
Dietrich: The astounding thing is that the future took so very long to happen. Our comm-badges are barely more advanced than the cell-phones of Earth's late 20th Century. People still die from sudden trauma. No phaser-proof vests. Warp speed that still hasn't opened up our own galaxy's remote corners. Seemingly every alien race we encounter having better weapons and shields. People who almost never respect our laws, unless we force the issue. A total acquiescence to isolationist worlds based on our very earliest first contacts, rather than modern ones. Computers that seem to have as their prime function the words: Unable To Comply. I know we didn't hit a tech wall. So why is the future taking so long to get here?
Data: Sir--are you at all aware that you talk a lot?
Dietrich: Me? Commander, I haven't been able to get a single word in edgewise, since you arrived.
--------------------------------------------------
The Captain On The Edge Of Marriage
(Fish, Barney and Harris emerge from Guardian)
Harris: I thought Liz would choose to come with us.
Fish: No. She has work to do in that era. And boy...does that era ever need work.
Barney: She has her world...I have mine. Time has been corrected. That's all that counts. I'm resolved to never seeing her again.
Guardian: Will you choose to use my gateway again?
Barney: Yeah. I'll be stopping by this weekend. Same era.
(All stare at Barney, who shrugs)
Barney: Wellll....I can't just go and break it off with her all at once!
-----------------------------------------------
Space Hogs
(His ship recovered, Captain Miller sees Khotter walk in)
Miller: I thought you beamed down to Ceti Alpha.
Khotter: Tell me, Captain...do you know Milton?
Miller: Of course. In John Milton's Paradise Lost, Lucifer said 'It is a better to live as a king in Hell than as a slave in heaven.'
Khotter: (Pshaws him) No, no. I mean my Uncle, Milton Khotter. See, he was dictator of this small Balkan state when this half-gorilla, half-whale walks in and asks if he can borrow some plutonium....
(Meanwhile)
Dietrich: How do you excuse your atrocities during The Eugenics Wars?
Epstein: Ahhh, that's easy. See---I got a note.
---
Wojo: So you guys are like really smart and stuff?
Barbarino: Who?
-----
Harris: (Looks ashamedly at Washington) Bad enough that you tried to rule the world, put millions to death, and twisted the idea of betterment into almost pure evil. But---you 'overmen' actually WORE those clothes?
-------
Leavitt: Quick! Does anyone here know how to deal with a sudden catastrophic increase in warp core temperature?
Horshack: Oooh! Ooh-Ooh! Ooooh! I am somewhat familiar with that technology.
-----
Fish: So you were frozen with Khotter's people, to keep an eye on them? That musta been rough.
Woodman: Not so rough, Fish. After all, they're not people--they're Space Hogs!
--------
(All see Khotter dead, a phaser in Barney's hand)
Barbarino: He like, totally killed our leader!
Washington: Wait! Captain--was he telling one of his Uncle stories?
Barney: Yes.
Washington: Well---then why didn't you just tell us that it was self-defense?
Next: The shocking secret of Julie's famous tuna casserole!
--------------------------------------------
The Valkyrie's Steed (TNG's The Pegasus)
(Miller looks at the elderly scientist, wholly disbelieving what he's hearing)
Barney: Eugenics? You were *that* Doctor Zee? One of the---founders---of the worst movement in all of Earth's history?
Doctor: Captain--you have your orders. Starfleet wants the Pegasus DNA Recombinator retrieved from Die Walkure's wreckage. Now, either move aside or I will order Mister Harris to relieve you.
Harris: (Firmly) Doctor--I may have served under you, back when I was as green as a Vulcan's blood. But I see now that the only worthwhile thing I learned from you--was how to dress well. I guess fascists are good for that, though. So I stand with Captain Miller.
Wojo: Ya know, I don't get most things. But this--this I really don't get. Since you came on this ship, you're all fun and games. But you helped fund freakin' Khotter!
Doctor: Stanislaw--think about the fun all our children will have when they no longer need to fear Klingons and Romulans-- because we as a species are stronger, swifter, and smarter by far than they!
Dietrich: Actually, all I can think about when I think about that is--a lot of dead people who'd rather be alive. What's the point, Doctor? Or don't you think the other players will call and match our raise? They're good for that, you know.
Yamane: I'd call that a sucker's bet. Those--I don't take.
Barney: Place Doctor Zee under arrest--the charge? Unfit To Serve. The rest we'll make up, if we have to.
Doctor: I have a lot of friends in Starfleet Command, Captain!
Fish: That's good--because I have a feeling you're going to need them.
--------------------------------------------
The Search For Dietrich
(The Noam Pitlik explodes above them; Barney stares up)
Barney: My God--What Have I Done?
Wojo: (looks confused) You blew up the ship with the Klingons on it.
(Barney just kind of glares)
---------------------------------------------
Wow, Wouldja Look At That!
(Wentworth at Comm gestures)
Wentworth: Captain Miller--an urgent message from Enterprise.
(Barney reads it; shakes his head)
Barney: That Jim Kirk...y'know. He and Gary used to pull this kind of thing on me all the time at The Academy. Well, its 2286, and things have changed for this little plebe. Wentworth--send the following response to my *esteemed* colleague.
Wentworth: Go ahead, sir.
Barney: Dear Jim---nice try. But FYI, everyone knows that The Ancient Destroyer is only a myth. Regards--Barney.
-----------------------------------------
The Stopover (DS9's The Visitor)
(Barney, still young, appears before an elderly Wojo)
Wojo: Oh, you're here. Good.
Barney: Wojo, don't get up. You're tired.
Wojo: Nahhh...I gotta do this now. But I sure gained sympathy for old Fish.
(It obviously hurts him to move)
Wojo: Y'know, Barn....once upon a time, before this 'Unstuck' thing happened to you, you meant one hell of a lot to an overeager kid who came on like a cannonball.
Barney: He was always worth it. He still is.
(Pulls something that Barney can't see)
Wojo: I done some figuring, and Dietrich agrees with me--time is pretty elastic.
Barney: Since I feel a lot like a yo-yo, I concur.
Wojo: Hey, Barn? That kid I was? The one who needed ya? Could ya do an old man a big favor?
Barney: Anything I can, of course.
(Before Barney can react, Wojo turns the phaser on himself)
Wojo: Say hi to him for me.
(As old-Wojo vanishes in a flash of blue light, Barney screams and runs toward him; Back in the present, he misses being struck by the energy wave that catapulted him originally)
Barney: Woooojoooo!!!
Wojo: Barn, I'm right here. You alright? You look like ya saw a ghost!
Barney: (Sees all restored as it should be) I did. I did see a ghost. A very loyal, very good ghost who knew and understood his duty to his Captain.
Wojo: Ok. Are you *sure* the beam missed you?
----------------------------------------------------
By Any Other Bet
(We see Rojan and the other Kelvans, staring confusedly at the ground)
Rojan: Captain Miller--we sought to punish you by punishing a crew member. But this result was--unexpected.
(Barney holds up the die-cube that was once Nick Yamane, complete with dot markings on each of its six sides)
Barney: You'd have to know Mister Yamane, first, Rojan. Then it would all make sense. Can you change him back?
Rojan: This permutation may make things difficult.
Barney: What are you saying?
Rojan: The odds are 1 in 5.
--------------------------------------------
Bonus Episode
The Borg Go Two For One (TNG's The BOBW)
Loquacious: Resistance Is Futile. Your culture will be made to service ours. The Collective has over 2 billion species in it, and about 8 billion more catalogued. It has a dizzying array of arrays. It has weaponry that makes yours seem irrelevant. It has multiple and redundant protections against things like viruses and corruptions. Granted, it has a few blind spots, like letting people on board, obsessing on about three or four humans, only attacking one power in The Alpha Quadrant, wholly ignoring The Dominion, who seem to do likewise to them. I mean, two powers this rapacious have never bumped heads? Non sequitur. Also, the Queen frankly kind of creeps me out.....
(Aboard The Noam Pitlik)
Fish: Its their own fault for assimilating Dietrich!
-----------------------------------------
Please Don't Fight In My Squadroom
Barney: Bele--Lokai! Your entire planet choked on hate. Walk away. Let it go.
Change your ways. Change what's in your hearts.
Harris: And change those aw-ful monotones! Don't they have a Barney's Fifth Ave on that world?
Lokai: You talk a good game, Captain. But his kind will never change.
Bele: You are asking for change from a creature bred and born to violence, Captain!
Barney: (Throws up his arms) Alright, then. Come with me, and I'll beam you down myself, so you can end your fight where it began.
Bele: Fine!
Lokai: Fine!
Wojo: Barn---
Harris: You can't be serious....
Fish: These two are going to kill each....
Yamane: Barn, the Prime Directive doesn't even apply, when a stolen shuttle...
Dietrich: Captain, turning these two men loose on that dead world....
Barney: Is exactly what I'm going to do, without further discussion.
(As Barney and the two enter, Leavitt leaves the turbolift, sees Bele and Lokai)
Leavitt: Commander Dietrich?
Dietrich: Yes, Carl?
Leavitt: Were those two guys like, really fanatic about the New Orleans Saints, or was it me?
(Barney returns, having completed the beamdown)
Wojo: Awww, Barn. Ya just gave up.
Wentworth: Yeah. Doin' that doesn't make any sense.
Dietrich: Neither did they. It drove you to distraction, Captain.
Fish: You as good as put phasers in their hands!
Harris: Captain--I'm sorry, but I don't get it.
Yamane: Me either. Usually, you figure somethin' out.
Barney: (Shrugs, goes for his chair) Not this time. Their parabilities, to say nothing of their intransigence, made any other outcome impossible. So--I beamed them down to Charon..
(He smiles)
Barney: .....of course, they are now located each 30,000 miles apart from the other, with absolutely no idea of where to even start looking....
(The crew smiles as they get underway)
--------------------------------------------
Fish And Loaves (Voy's ep with the two Belannas and The Viidians) by Rob Morris
Viidian Doctor: The good news is, we have isolated the genes in Doctor Fish that could provide our cure, and split them off into two separate forms.
Viidian Official: And what's the bad news?
(The official walks in; The two Fishes are 100% identical)
Vidiian Dr.: We'll....keep trying.
Fish 1: We should try and get out of here.
Fish 2: I'm afraid I can't.
Fish 1: Why the hell not?
Fish 2: (Shaking his head) We've just never worked well with others!
Fish 1: It could be worse.
Fish 2: How could *this* be any worse?
Fish 1: Easy. There could be two Bernices.
(Fish 2 keels over at the mere thought)
Fish: Wonderful. Now who am I going to talk to?
Dietrich: (As Viidian) Phil---I've come here to get you out. Let's talk over the plan.
(Fish's eyes go wide with horror; kneels over Fish 2's body; begins slapping him)
Fish: WAKE UP!!!!
--------------------------------------------
Widely Traveled (TNG's A Matter Of Time)
Barney: You'll have to excuse our Commander Data, Mister Rasmussen. Lacking true emotions, he sometimes fails to catch the meaning of certain phrases.
Data: This is substantially correct. I hope one day to somehow correct this lack.
Rasmussen (Played by Richard Libertini, in this case): You know, by my time, this whole issue of artificial intelligence and its validity as sentient life has been wholly resolved, and people joyfully claim many Positronics as teachers, lovers---in-laws.
(Data puts his hand on Rasmussen)
Data: Sir--when does this sea change in attitude take place?
Rasmussen: (Pushes Data's hand off; Points) Dooon't you touch me!
---------------------------------------------
Talkin Bout My......
(In the Nexus)
Harry Stone: (Harry Anderson) Well, I guess I'm The Captain...Of The Noam Pitlik.
Barney: Wait, wait! We're using 'Night Court' as TNG's equivalent?
Harry: Well, where did you think all those nuts you arrested got sent, anyway? JAG?
(Richard Moll walks in)
Bull: Harry---we gotta speed this up. We're doing a Highlander XO in ten minutes. I was in the premiere episode!
-------------------------------------------------
(In the brig of the Noam Pitlik are Cassidy Yates, Kes, Wes Crusher and Ro Laren)
Barney: (Lecturing) Look, I know that being recurring and/or returning characters can be frustrating, but that's no excuse for behaving in a manner that violates your series' bible!
(Harris walks up)
Harris: Barney--you have GOT to see this.
(In Dietrich's custody are two versions of Avery Brooks; one from DS9 Seasons 1-3; The other from Seasons 4-7; they are dressed and groomed accordingly)
Barney: Well now---this just about explains everything, doesn't it?
Capt. Sisko: We must trust in the Prophets.
Cmdr. Sisko: Ohhh---shut up!
----------------------------------------------
(Kruge points at the crew)
Kruge: Admit it! You humans want to use your Genesis device on Q'onos itself!
Wojo: Well, would that be so bad? Q'onos has like no vegetation, or animals, or---nothin!
(Kruge's face seems to shift)
Kruge: Ya know--I never thought about it that way before. Waddya you guys think?
(His Klingon crew, is, shall we say--familiar)
Kalex: I'm gonna go with the Terrans on this one. Q'onos could use some major touch-up work.
Kony: Let's face it--the place is a dump.
Klouie: Some loser is always stabbin' somebody else. Like I got time to be seeking ancient vengeance. I barely have time to kill my own enemies, without worryin' about some worm-food ancestor who's probably lickin dirt in Grethor!
Kehlaine: And everybody HAS to have their hair braided? I mean Mara--she had a smooth forehead and manageable hair! I'm just tired of it all.
Kobby: And when they don't like your acting--they open fire! What is up with that! Nobody knows how to do written reviews?!
Kalataka: Keeptin Kruge---I have detonated the Genesis device over the planet Q'onos, back in The Empire.
Barney: How did you get your people off the planet that quickly?
(Klataka slaps his own forehead)
Kalataka: Oooh! I knew there was something I was forgetting to be doing!
(The Klingons all sit down)
Kalex: Captain Miller--can we stay on Earth for awhile?
Kalataka: I'll betting The Kahless, he is putting a big curse on me!
Dietrich: I'd say that falls within the realms of possibility.
--------------------------------------------
First Best NYC's Finest Destiny
EARTH, 1975
Chano: So we all got sent on this mission? I just barely got rid of those powers.
Wojo: Just what are we supposed to do here?
Harris: This era was not a fashionable one.
Fish: I never understood Starfleet's reasoning.
Leavitt: Reasoning? That's giving them a lot of credit.
Yamane: Who's taking odds on how long we stay?
Wentworth: At least I get to wear pants.
Dietrich: I'll reconnoiter; Get us ID in this era. Then I'll see if I can locate any evidence of Gary Seven's activities.
Barney: Well---let's take a look at our new HQ--for the next eight years.
(Opens door)
Barney: Congratulations, everyone. We are now the proud officers of New York City's Twelth Precinct!
(They look around; They are obviously not impressed)
Barney: We'll----still have access to The Noam Pitlik, in cloaked orbit, of course.
Yamane: We better. Have you seen the rents in this town?
THE OLD ONE-TWO IS JUST BEGINNING........
(Wojo walks in on Barney, alone in the briefing room)
Wojo: Hey, Barn? Admiral Scanlon is off the ship. He's gone.
Barney: Is he really, Wojo? I mean, look what one little visit from Fleet Internal Affairs did to this ship, this crew. No, Scanlon's still with us. He'll always be with us.
Wojo: No, no. I seen him beam off mys...ohhhhh. You're bein' philosophical.
Barney: We like to think that that Salem, The Inquisition, The Red Scare---that its all behind us. It never takes much to start it all over again.
Wojo: (Sheepishly) Uhhh...maybe I shoudna been helping Scanlon find out all that stuff about us.
(Barney nods and speaks sarcastically)
Barney: Next time--let's keep that in mind, shall we?
-------------------------------------------------
Dietrifichation
(Ambassador Dietrich is walking with Commander Data on Romulus)
Dietrich: The astounding thing is that the future took so very long to happen. Our comm-badges are barely more advanced than the cell-phones of Earth's late 20th Century. People still die from sudden trauma. No phaser-proof vests. Warp speed that still hasn't opened up our own galaxy's remote corners. Seemingly every alien race we encounter having better weapons and shields. People who almost never respect our laws, unless we force the issue. A total acquiescence to isolationist worlds based on our very earliest first contacts, rather than modern ones. Computers that seem to have as their prime function the words: Unable To Comply. I know we didn't hit a tech wall. So why is the future taking so long to get here?
Data: Sir--are you at all aware that you talk a lot?
Dietrich: Me? Commander, I haven't been able to get a single word in edgewise, since you arrived.
--------------------------------------------------
The Captain On The Edge Of Marriage
(Fish, Barney and Harris emerge from Guardian)
Harris: I thought Liz would choose to come with us.
Fish: No. She has work to do in that era. And boy...does that era ever need work.
Barney: She has her world...I have mine. Time has been corrected. That's all that counts. I'm resolved to never seeing her again.
Guardian: Will you choose to use my gateway again?
Barney: Yeah. I'll be stopping by this weekend. Same era.
(All stare at Barney, who shrugs)
Barney: Wellll....I can't just go and break it off with her all at once!
-----------------------------------------------
Space Hogs
(His ship recovered, Captain Miller sees Khotter walk in)
Miller: I thought you beamed down to Ceti Alpha.
Khotter: Tell me, Captain...do you know Milton?
Miller: Of course. In John Milton's Paradise Lost, Lucifer said 'It is a better to live as a king in Hell than as a slave in heaven.'
Khotter: (Pshaws him) No, no. I mean my Uncle, Milton Khotter. See, he was dictator of this small Balkan state when this half-gorilla, half-whale walks in and asks if he can borrow some plutonium....
(Meanwhile)
Dietrich: How do you excuse your atrocities during The Eugenics Wars?
Epstein: Ahhh, that's easy. See---I got a note.
---
Wojo: So you guys are like really smart and stuff?
Barbarino: Who?
-----
Harris: (Looks ashamedly at Washington) Bad enough that you tried to rule the world, put millions to death, and twisted the idea of betterment into almost pure evil. But---you 'overmen' actually WORE those clothes?
-------
Leavitt: Quick! Does anyone here know how to deal with a sudden catastrophic increase in warp core temperature?
Horshack: Oooh! Ooh-Ooh! Ooooh! I am somewhat familiar with that technology.
-----
Fish: So you were frozen with Khotter's people, to keep an eye on them? That musta been rough.
Woodman: Not so rough, Fish. After all, they're not people--they're Space Hogs!
--------
(All see Khotter dead, a phaser in Barney's hand)
Barbarino: He like, totally killed our leader!
Washington: Wait! Captain--was he telling one of his Uncle stories?
Barney: Yes.
Washington: Well---then why didn't you just tell us that it was self-defense?
Next: The shocking secret of Julie's famous tuna casserole!
--------------------------------------------
The Valkyrie's Steed (TNG's The Pegasus)
(Miller looks at the elderly scientist, wholly disbelieving what he's hearing)
Barney: Eugenics? You were *that* Doctor Zee? One of the---founders---of the worst movement in all of Earth's history?
Doctor: Captain--you have your orders. Starfleet wants the Pegasus DNA Recombinator retrieved from Die Walkure's wreckage. Now, either move aside or I will order Mister Harris to relieve you.
Harris: (Firmly) Doctor--I may have served under you, back when I was as green as a Vulcan's blood. But I see now that the only worthwhile thing I learned from you--was how to dress well. I guess fascists are good for that, though. So I stand with Captain Miller.
Wojo: Ya know, I don't get most things. But this--this I really don't get. Since you came on this ship, you're all fun and games. But you helped fund freakin' Khotter!
Doctor: Stanislaw--think about the fun all our children will have when they no longer need to fear Klingons and Romulans-- because we as a species are stronger, swifter, and smarter by far than they!
Dietrich: Actually, all I can think about when I think about that is--a lot of dead people who'd rather be alive. What's the point, Doctor? Or don't you think the other players will call and match our raise? They're good for that, you know.
Yamane: I'd call that a sucker's bet. Those--I don't take.
Barney: Place Doctor Zee under arrest--the charge? Unfit To Serve. The rest we'll make up, if we have to.
Doctor: I have a lot of friends in Starfleet Command, Captain!
Fish: That's good--because I have a feeling you're going to need them.
--------------------------------------------
The Search For Dietrich
(The Noam Pitlik explodes above them; Barney stares up)
Barney: My God--What Have I Done?
Wojo: (looks confused) You blew up the ship with the Klingons on it.
(Barney just kind of glares)
---------------------------------------------
Wow, Wouldja Look At That!
(Wentworth at Comm gestures)
Wentworth: Captain Miller--an urgent message from Enterprise.
(Barney reads it; shakes his head)
Barney: That Jim Kirk...y'know. He and Gary used to pull this kind of thing on me all the time at The Academy. Well, its 2286, and things have changed for this little plebe. Wentworth--send the following response to my *esteemed* colleague.
Wentworth: Go ahead, sir.
Barney: Dear Jim---nice try. But FYI, everyone knows that The Ancient Destroyer is only a myth. Regards--Barney.
-----------------------------------------
The Stopover (DS9's The Visitor)
(Barney, still young, appears before an elderly Wojo)
Wojo: Oh, you're here. Good.
Barney: Wojo, don't get up. You're tired.
Wojo: Nahhh...I gotta do this now. But I sure gained sympathy for old Fish.
(It obviously hurts him to move)
Wojo: Y'know, Barn....once upon a time, before this 'Unstuck' thing happened to you, you meant one hell of a lot to an overeager kid who came on like a cannonball.
Barney: He was always worth it. He still is.
(Pulls something that Barney can't see)
Wojo: I done some figuring, and Dietrich agrees with me--time is pretty elastic.
Barney: Since I feel a lot like a yo-yo, I concur.
Wojo: Hey, Barn? That kid I was? The one who needed ya? Could ya do an old man a big favor?
Barney: Anything I can, of course.
(Before Barney can react, Wojo turns the phaser on himself)
Wojo: Say hi to him for me.
(As old-Wojo vanishes in a flash of blue light, Barney screams and runs toward him; Back in the present, he misses being struck by the energy wave that catapulted him originally)
Barney: Woooojoooo!!!
Wojo: Barn, I'm right here. You alright? You look like ya saw a ghost!
Barney: (Sees all restored as it should be) I did. I did see a ghost. A very loyal, very good ghost who knew and understood his duty to his Captain.
Wojo: Ok. Are you *sure* the beam missed you?
----------------------------------------------------
By Any Other Bet
(We see Rojan and the other Kelvans, staring confusedly at the ground)
Rojan: Captain Miller--we sought to punish you by punishing a crew member. But this result was--unexpected.
(Barney holds up the die-cube that was once Nick Yamane, complete with dot markings on each of its six sides)
Barney: You'd have to know Mister Yamane, first, Rojan. Then it would all make sense. Can you change him back?
Rojan: This permutation may make things difficult.
Barney: What are you saying?
Rojan: The odds are 1 in 5.
--------------------------------------------
Bonus Episode
The Borg Go Two For One (TNG's The BOBW)
Loquacious: Resistance Is Futile. Your culture will be made to service ours. The Collective has over 2 billion species in it, and about 8 billion more catalogued. It has a dizzying array of arrays. It has weaponry that makes yours seem irrelevant. It has multiple and redundant protections against things like viruses and corruptions. Granted, it has a few blind spots, like letting people on board, obsessing on about three or four humans, only attacking one power in The Alpha Quadrant, wholly ignoring The Dominion, who seem to do likewise to them. I mean, two powers this rapacious have never bumped heads? Non sequitur. Also, the Queen frankly kind of creeps me out.....
(Aboard The Noam Pitlik)
Fish: Its their own fault for assimilating Dietrich!
-----------------------------------------
Please Don't Fight In My Squadroom
Barney: Bele--Lokai! Your entire planet choked on hate. Walk away. Let it go.
Change your ways. Change what's in your hearts.
Harris: And change those aw-ful monotones! Don't they have a Barney's Fifth Ave on that world?
Lokai: You talk a good game, Captain. But his kind will never change.
Bele: You are asking for change from a creature bred and born to violence, Captain!
Barney: (Throws up his arms) Alright, then. Come with me, and I'll beam you down myself, so you can end your fight where it began.
Bele: Fine!
Lokai: Fine!
Wojo: Barn---
Harris: You can't be serious....
Fish: These two are going to kill each....
Yamane: Barn, the Prime Directive doesn't even apply, when a stolen shuttle...
Dietrich: Captain, turning these two men loose on that dead world....
Barney: Is exactly what I'm going to do, without further discussion.
(As Barney and the two enter, Leavitt leaves the turbolift, sees Bele and Lokai)
Leavitt: Commander Dietrich?
Dietrich: Yes, Carl?
Leavitt: Were those two guys like, really fanatic about the New Orleans Saints, or was it me?
(Barney returns, having completed the beamdown)
Wojo: Awww, Barn. Ya just gave up.
Wentworth: Yeah. Doin' that doesn't make any sense.
Dietrich: Neither did they. It drove you to distraction, Captain.
Fish: You as good as put phasers in their hands!
Harris: Captain--I'm sorry, but I don't get it.
Yamane: Me either. Usually, you figure somethin' out.
Barney: (Shrugs, goes for his chair) Not this time. Their parabilities, to say nothing of their intransigence, made any other outcome impossible. So--I beamed them down to Charon..
(He smiles)
Barney: .....of course, they are now located each 30,000 miles apart from the other, with absolutely no idea of where to even start looking....
(The crew smiles as they get underway)
--------------------------------------------
Fish And Loaves (Voy's ep with the two Belannas and The Viidians) by Rob Morris
Viidian Doctor: The good news is, we have isolated the genes in Doctor Fish that could provide our cure, and split them off into two separate forms.
Viidian Official: And what's the bad news?
(The official walks in; The two Fishes are 100% identical)
Vidiian Dr.: We'll....keep trying.
Fish 1: We should try and get out of here.
Fish 2: I'm afraid I can't.
Fish 1: Why the hell not?
Fish 2: (Shaking his head) We've just never worked well with others!
Fish 1: It could be worse.
Fish 2: How could *this* be any worse?
Fish 1: Easy. There could be two Bernices.
(Fish 2 keels over at the mere thought)
Fish: Wonderful. Now who am I going to talk to?
Dietrich: (As Viidian) Phil---I've come here to get you out. Let's talk over the plan.
(Fish's eyes go wide with horror; kneels over Fish 2's body; begins slapping him)
Fish: WAKE UP!!!!
--------------------------------------------
Widely Traveled (TNG's A Matter Of Time)
Barney: You'll have to excuse our Commander Data, Mister Rasmussen. Lacking true emotions, he sometimes fails to catch the meaning of certain phrases.
Data: This is substantially correct. I hope one day to somehow correct this lack.
Rasmussen (Played by Richard Libertini, in this case): You know, by my time, this whole issue of artificial intelligence and its validity as sentient life has been wholly resolved, and people joyfully claim many Positronics as teachers, lovers---in-laws.
(Data puts his hand on Rasmussen)
Data: Sir--when does this sea change in attitude take place?
Rasmussen: (Pushes Data's hand off; Points) Dooon't you touch me!
---------------------------------------------
Talkin Bout My......
(In the Nexus)
Harry Stone: (Harry Anderson) Well, I guess I'm The Captain...Of The Noam Pitlik.
Barney: Wait, wait! We're using 'Night Court' as TNG's equivalent?
Harry: Well, where did you think all those nuts you arrested got sent, anyway? JAG?
(Richard Moll walks in)
Bull: Harry---we gotta speed this up. We're doing a Highlander XO in ten minutes. I was in the premiere episode!
-------------------------------------------------
(In the brig of the Noam Pitlik are Cassidy Yates, Kes, Wes Crusher and Ro Laren)
Barney: (Lecturing) Look, I know that being recurring and/or returning characters can be frustrating, but that's no excuse for behaving in a manner that violates your series' bible!
(Harris walks up)
Harris: Barney--you have GOT to see this.
(In Dietrich's custody are two versions of Avery Brooks; one from DS9 Seasons 1-3; The other from Seasons 4-7; they are dressed and groomed accordingly)
Barney: Well now---this just about explains everything, doesn't it?
Capt. Sisko: We must trust in the Prophets.
Cmdr. Sisko: Ohhh---shut up!
----------------------------------------------
(Kruge points at the crew)
Kruge: Admit it! You humans want to use your Genesis device on Q'onos itself!
Wojo: Well, would that be so bad? Q'onos has like no vegetation, or animals, or---nothin!
(Kruge's face seems to shift)
Kruge: Ya know--I never thought about it that way before. Waddya you guys think?
(His Klingon crew, is, shall we say--familiar)
Kalex: I'm gonna go with the Terrans on this one. Q'onos could use some major touch-up work.
Kony: Let's face it--the place is a dump.
Klouie: Some loser is always stabbin' somebody else. Like I got time to be seeking ancient vengeance. I barely have time to kill my own enemies, without worryin' about some worm-food ancestor who's probably lickin dirt in Grethor!
Kehlaine: And everybody HAS to have their hair braided? I mean Mara--she had a smooth forehead and manageable hair! I'm just tired of it all.
Kobby: And when they don't like your acting--they open fire! What is up with that! Nobody knows how to do written reviews?!
Kalataka: Keeptin Kruge---I have detonated the Genesis device over the planet Q'onos, back in The Empire.
Barney: How did you get your people off the planet that quickly?
(Klataka slaps his own forehead)
Kalataka: Oooh! I knew there was something I was forgetting to be doing!
(The Klingons all sit down)
Kalex: Captain Miller--can we stay on Earth for awhile?
Kalataka: I'll betting The Kahless, he is putting a big curse on me!
Dietrich: I'd say that falls within the realms of possibility.
--------------------------------------------
First Best NYC's Finest Destiny
EARTH, 1975
Chano: So we all got sent on this mission? I just barely got rid of those powers.
Wojo: Just what are we supposed to do here?
Harris: This era was not a fashionable one.
Fish: I never understood Starfleet's reasoning.
Leavitt: Reasoning? That's giving them a lot of credit.
Yamane: Who's taking odds on how long we stay?
Wentworth: At least I get to wear pants.
Dietrich: I'll reconnoiter; Get us ID in this era. Then I'll see if I can locate any evidence of Gary Seven's activities.
Barney: Well---let's take a look at our new HQ--for the next eight years.
(Opens door)
Barney: Congratulations, everyone. We are now the proud officers of New York City's Twelth Precinct!
(They look around; They are obviously not impressed)
Barney: We'll----still have access to The Noam Pitlik, in cloaked orbit, of course.
Yamane: We better. Have you seen the rents in this town?
THE OLD ONE-TWO IS JUST BEGINNING........
Title : Kombat Trek
Author : Rob Morris
Series : Remix of the first four ST series with Mortal Kombat
Type : Amalgam X-over
Characters : Various from TOS, TNG, DS9 and VOY
Rating : PG
Summary : The forces of Q’Nok test the might of the Kombat Federation Warriors...
Kombat Trek
by Rob Morris
An enraged Liu Kirk began the running motion he meant to use to wipe the arrogant smile off of Shang Khan's face. At the last second, though, Vulcan, god of Thunder and Logic, stopped him cold.
"That, Liu, is a good way to lose one's soul. You are not ready to battle Shang Khan-yet."
Liu Kirk looked up, perplexed and angry.
"Would someone please get me another mentor?"
"Sorry, friend. But much as we may wish it otherwise, we're stuck with Vulcan. He does come in handy-on the odd occasion."
Accepting both his words and a hand up, Liu Kirk asked Jean-Luc Cage of the situation elsewhere.
"Any word from McCoy?"
Cage shook his head.
"He's still treating her. Why Major Kathryn Blade feels the need to play risk-taker all the time is..."
Liu finished.
"Probably the reason you keep hitting on her."
Cage smiled.
"Probably. Good thing we have McCoy--or NightHealer, as he insists on being called."
Keeping an eye on Shang Khan, Major Jackson Sisko-Jax-spoke up.
"Gentlemen, may I suggest we suspend all discussion of my headstrong partner til we get back to base? Otherwise, those Borg mechs are going to gain some new recruits."
In their talk, they hadn't noticed the genetically enhanced sorcerer open up yet another portal. Thankfully, they were only Borg. Their battle-leader, Lore, was not there to direct them. Apparently, Data was still keeping him busy in the other - dimensional Neutral Zone- as he had sworn to do. Jax, the strongest man in the Quadrant, slammed the ground, knocking Shang off his feet, shutting the portal. But still the Borg were formidable. Our heroes were in for it.
Liu Kirk launched a massive array of chi-fireballs, then a series of bicycle kicks. Jean-Luc Cage's patented Shadow movements cut a wide swath straight through the middle. Jax waited until he had 3 Borg grabbing each arm, then twirled them like toys until they knocked out a whole phalanx of their brethren. But still they were massively outnumbered.
"Vulcan! A little help, here?"
"I am a god. We do not participate in Kombat. To do so would rob humanity of an essential element of independence, which your race will need if it is to keep Shang Khan's master Q'Nok from merging his continuum with yours. Further, I..."
In the midst of his lecture, Vulcan found himself surrounded by about 50 Borg, all intent on assimilating a god. Casually, he incinerated them all.
"I do not think that was so a wise course of action."
Jax and Cage were about to tell Vulcan what he could do with his non-interference, when real hope showed up. Their friends, the Princess Uhura and Ice-Like-Winter would help to turn the tide. As Ice-Like-Winter froze and destroyed the Borg surrounding Jax, he got a half-hearted thank you.
"Nice of you to show up, Chakotay!"
"Stuff it, Jax. Keeping your crazy partner in cryo til we got back to base was no easy task...and yes, NightHealer says she will be fine."
Jean-Luc Cage faced a Mega-Borg, oversized and overenhanced. The thing tried to grab him, but merely grabbed and crushed his Kombadge. With a savage upward movement, Cage ripped the torso from the thing's body, and tossed it at yet more Borg. The classically-trained action star was cocky as he leapt once more unto the breach.
"A pity he had to be destroyed! He seemed he like my biggest fan!"
Suddenly, the Borg that had dog-piled on top of Liu Kirk spotted the rapidly-whirling fans of Princess Uhura behind them.
"You Borg back off! That's MY boyfriend!"
The fan-blades kept spinning as the rightful heir to the Q continuum tossed them at the Borg who assaulted her lover still. The blades shredded them, but came within inches of Liu Kirk. Still, he kissed her upon getting up, then fireballed a whole wall of descending Borg.
"You take a lot of chances, Princess!"
"So do you, Mister! That's why we get along!"
Just as it seemed that the Borg were being driven back, a group of four-armed, hybrid reptilian-centaurs emerged from the last remaining portal. Shang Khan gloated mightily.
"You task me, Liu Kirk! You task me, but now I have you! These Jemhdaros are known to have even less mercy than I showed to your Brother. I wonder how your soul will taste?"
"The only thing you're going to taste, sorcerer, is this!"
Moving in a difficult combination movement, with extraordinary coordination, the mortal heroes combined their individual energy projectiles into one beam, which Ice-Like-Winter then through up a frozen lens to focus it through. It took on a bluish tinge, and struck all the Jemhdaros at once. This "Phaser" movement appeared to obliterate them, but in reality shifted or "phased" them back to their own realm. Shang Khan maintained his arrogant cool.
"Verrrry good, children! But the master is far more dangerous than his servants. Witness--My Power!"
A whooshing sound followed next, as the injured Kathryn Blade sailed over and then kicked Shang Khan back, into the Borg rubble. He was only temporarily stunned, though, and she knew it. She ached from her wounds, but she'd be damned before she'd let Jean-Luc see her weak-or for that matter, the Princess Uhura, who never seemed to tire or get injured. Khan looked up at her.
"You, my lovely Kathryn, are dead!"
"Hey, Shang! Give us a Kiss!"
Punching open a container of the rocket fuel their transports used, Kathryn Blade dumped it all over Shang Khan. She then executed both her trademark finishing move-a kiss that sent a ring of fire-and, for that matter, Shang Khan. Unfortunately, the Emperor Q always had the option of reviving him. As the battle-chamber began to rock, she felt Cage grab her up, her injuries being more extensive than she thought. The heroes were out in time-narrowly. Liu Kirk looked at the wreckage of their planes.
"I, for one, do not want to have to explain this to Curtis Riker!"
Jean-Luc Cage grabbed Kathryn's Kombadge.
"I'm going to try and page Kiral. With her speed, we can probably cross the water unaided."
Vulcan shook his head.
"If you will recall, Kiral is still recovering from the scarring of her soul by Skorpdukat. It does not violate my oath to transport us back."
Just then, the clouds parted, and a huge face, twisted with arrogance, looked down at them in contempt. Vulcan raised an eyebrow.
"Q'Nok. Fascinating."
"You insignificant microbal Barbarians! I've come to put you in your
place!"
All, including now Vulcan, went to a fighting stance. The God Of Thunder And Logic spoke for them all.
"I do not think that to be so wise a course of action".
TO BE CONTINUED?
Author : Rob Morris
Series : Remix of the first four ST series with Mortal Kombat
Type : Amalgam X-over
Characters : Various from TOS, TNG, DS9 and VOY
Rating : PG
Summary : The forces of Q’Nok test the might of the Kombat Federation Warriors...
Kombat Trek
by Rob Morris
An enraged Liu Kirk began the running motion he meant to use to wipe the arrogant smile off of Shang Khan's face. At the last second, though, Vulcan, god of Thunder and Logic, stopped him cold.
"That, Liu, is a good way to lose one's soul. You are not ready to battle Shang Khan-yet."
Liu Kirk looked up, perplexed and angry.
"Would someone please get me another mentor?"
"Sorry, friend. But much as we may wish it otherwise, we're stuck with Vulcan. He does come in handy-on the odd occasion."
Accepting both his words and a hand up, Liu Kirk asked Jean-Luc Cage of the situation elsewhere.
"Any word from McCoy?"
Cage shook his head.
"He's still treating her. Why Major Kathryn Blade feels the need to play risk-taker all the time is..."
Liu finished.
"Probably the reason you keep hitting on her."
Cage smiled.
"Probably. Good thing we have McCoy--or NightHealer, as he insists on being called."
Keeping an eye on Shang Khan, Major Jackson Sisko-Jax-spoke up.
"Gentlemen, may I suggest we suspend all discussion of my headstrong partner til we get back to base? Otherwise, those Borg mechs are going to gain some new recruits."
In their talk, they hadn't noticed the genetically enhanced sorcerer open up yet another portal. Thankfully, they were only Borg. Their battle-leader, Lore, was not there to direct them. Apparently, Data was still keeping him busy in the other - dimensional Neutral Zone- as he had sworn to do. Jax, the strongest man in the Quadrant, slammed the ground, knocking Shang off his feet, shutting the portal. But still the Borg were formidable. Our heroes were in for it.
Liu Kirk launched a massive array of chi-fireballs, then a series of bicycle kicks. Jean-Luc Cage's patented Shadow movements cut a wide swath straight through the middle. Jax waited until he had 3 Borg grabbing each arm, then twirled them like toys until they knocked out a whole phalanx of their brethren. But still they were massively outnumbered.
"Vulcan! A little help, here?"
"I am a god. We do not participate in Kombat. To do so would rob humanity of an essential element of independence, which your race will need if it is to keep Shang Khan's master Q'Nok from merging his continuum with yours. Further, I..."
In the midst of his lecture, Vulcan found himself surrounded by about 50 Borg, all intent on assimilating a god. Casually, he incinerated them all.
"I do not think that was so a wise course of action."
Jax and Cage were about to tell Vulcan what he could do with his non-interference, when real hope showed up. Their friends, the Princess Uhura and Ice-Like-Winter would help to turn the tide. As Ice-Like-Winter froze and destroyed the Borg surrounding Jax, he got a half-hearted thank you.
"Nice of you to show up, Chakotay!"
"Stuff it, Jax. Keeping your crazy partner in cryo til we got back to base was no easy task...and yes, NightHealer says she will be fine."
Jean-Luc Cage faced a Mega-Borg, oversized and overenhanced. The thing tried to grab him, but merely grabbed and crushed his Kombadge. With a savage upward movement, Cage ripped the torso from the thing's body, and tossed it at yet more Borg. The classically-trained action star was cocky as he leapt once more unto the breach.
"A pity he had to be destroyed! He seemed he like my biggest fan!"
Suddenly, the Borg that had dog-piled on top of Liu Kirk spotted the rapidly-whirling fans of Princess Uhura behind them.
"You Borg back off! That's MY boyfriend!"
The fan-blades kept spinning as the rightful heir to the Q continuum tossed them at the Borg who assaulted her lover still. The blades shredded them, but came within inches of Liu Kirk. Still, he kissed her upon getting up, then fireballed a whole wall of descending Borg.
"You take a lot of chances, Princess!"
"So do you, Mister! That's why we get along!"
Just as it seemed that the Borg were being driven back, a group of four-armed, hybrid reptilian-centaurs emerged from the last remaining portal. Shang Khan gloated mightily.
"You task me, Liu Kirk! You task me, but now I have you! These Jemhdaros are known to have even less mercy than I showed to your Brother. I wonder how your soul will taste?"
"The only thing you're going to taste, sorcerer, is this!"
Moving in a difficult combination movement, with extraordinary coordination, the mortal heroes combined their individual energy projectiles into one beam, which Ice-Like-Winter then through up a frozen lens to focus it through. It took on a bluish tinge, and struck all the Jemhdaros at once. This "Phaser" movement appeared to obliterate them, but in reality shifted or "phased" them back to their own realm. Shang Khan maintained his arrogant cool.
"Verrrry good, children! But the master is far more dangerous than his servants. Witness--My Power!"
A whooshing sound followed next, as the injured Kathryn Blade sailed over and then kicked Shang Khan back, into the Borg rubble. He was only temporarily stunned, though, and she knew it. She ached from her wounds, but she'd be damned before she'd let Jean-Luc see her weak-or for that matter, the Princess Uhura, who never seemed to tire or get injured. Khan looked up at her.
"You, my lovely Kathryn, are dead!"
"Hey, Shang! Give us a Kiss!"
Punching open a container of the rocket fuel their transports used, Kathryn Blade dumped it all over Shang Khan. She then executed both her trademark finishing move-a kiss that sent a ring of fire-and, for that matter, Shang Khan. Unfortunately, the Emperor Q always had the option of reviving him. As the battle-chamber began to rock, she felt Cage grab her up, her injuries being more extensive than she thought. The heroes were out in time-narrowly. Liu Kirk looked at the wreckage of their planes.
"I, for one, do not want to have to explain this to Curtis Riker!"
Jean-Luc Cage grabbed Kathryn's Kombadge.
"I'm going to try and page Kiral. With her speed, we can probably cross the water unaided."
Vulcan shook his head.
"If you will recall, Kiral is still recovering from the scarring of her soul by Skorpdukat. It does not violate my oath to transport us back."
Just then, the clouds parted, and a huge face, twisted with arrogance, looked down at them in contempt. Vulcan raised an eyebrow.
"Q'Nok. Fascinating."
"You insignificant microbal Barbarians! I've come to put you in your
place!"
All, including now Vulcan, went to a fighting stance. The God Of Thunder And Logic spoke for them all.
"I do not think that to be so wise a course of action".
TO BE CONTINUED?
Title : The Play’s The Thing
Author : ‘Goji’ Rob Morris
Series : TOS
Type : Episode remix of ‘The Conscience Of The King’
Part : REP 1/1
Characters : TOS regulars plus cast of ‘I Spy’
Rating : PG
Summary : Who will nail the fugitive murderer Kodos first–Kirk or Kelly Robinson? Just ask Scotty what they think.
The Play's the Thing
by Rob Morris
Kirk was blunt, as one might expect.
"Mister Robinson, the only reason I am shuttling you to your next hyperball match are the combined requests of Starfleet Command and our late mutual friend, Dr. Leighton. I consider myself to be in the middle of a potential murder investigation, possibly leading to something far bigger. I most pointedly do not consider The Enterprise to be a limousine for dilettante celebrities. Am I clear?"
Kelly Robinson appeared unimpressed, and merely leaned on his racket-frame.
"Oh, clear as crystal, Captain Kirk. Uh--can I go now? I'm meeting with my trainer. Wouldn't do to get out of practice, now would it?"
As much as Kirk wanted to find the words to wipe the arrogant smile off of Kelly's face, he had more pressing concerns. What would have surprised him, then, was that Kelly and his trainer were on board because of those selfsame concerns.
Walking to Engineering, Jim saw his Chief Engineer chatting amiably with Robinson's trainer.
"Scotty?"
Both men responded as one.
"Yes?"
The Engineer raised a Spockian eyebrow, as he had since the two men were much younger, and the same thing would happen.
"Captain, I have done ye a great disservice. This is my rogue of a cousin, Alexander Scott, disgrace and heartbreak to The Clan Scott!"
Alexander "Scotty" Scott nodded mockingly at Montgmery "Scotty" Scott.
"You'll have to forgive Monty, Captain. You see, the man is an unrepentant bigot. He firmly believes that an English University like Oxford can offer a good Highlander nothing but corruption."
The Engineer nodded, just as mockingly.
"It surely robbed you of your good honest accent, Alex. Ahh, but its good to have you here. Captain, sir--you are staring at the best improviser a gadget ever saw. It runs in the family."
Alex agreed.
"Actually, Captain--when the wind begins to blow, and you are wearing those kilts near The Arctic Circle, you find the entire family starts running!"
Scotty followed his Captain, while Scotty met with his partner. Each had their own concerns.
"Other than the tabloid trash, what do we have on Kirk?"
Alex Scott shrugged.
"Not much. Parents deceased. Never married. One son. Ruthless opponent. You don't want to go up against him--ever."
Kelly looked up.
"Ok. Give me a for-ruthless."
Alex sat down.
"Monty swears by him, and that's good enough for me. You can't fool that man, and that's with five fifths in him, mind you. But--I wouldn't put it past Kirk's planning brain to murder all those people, just to draw Karidian out in the open. Not that I think that's what happened."
Kelly re-read everything they had, which was precious little.
"Kirk is not our suspect. Never was. Tom Leighton had it called right. Koridian is Kodos. Its all there."
Alex threw down the papers, a little upset.
"So? We have authority. The ship has a brig. The man is a murderer, thousands of times over--just what in blazes is The Company waiting for?"
Kelly more than understood his friend's anger.
"Scotty, you and I both know that Section 31 keeps its own counsel. But on this one, I agree. They want Koridian exposed as Kodos, during a performance, with legal, useable evidence on hand to begin prosecution with. More and more remote colonies are being built. The UFP wants those governors to know--we don't forget. You pull something--we'll find you. No more 'regrettable but necessary actions. End of that. They get ideas about how things 'should be', they go away. Far, far away. For a really long time."
Alex appeared calmer, but still disturbed.
"Kelly, this organization is beginning to stink from the neck down. Do you know that they've drawn up a plan to create and fund an alliance of malcontents, just to draw them out into the open? The Section is going to base them in The Badlands. Those poor fools will be taking orders from the very people they'll think they're rebelling against."
Kelly was no happier about this, but offered some perspective.
"One--its not a new plan. The old American CIA did the same thing with Operation : Militia. Two--it worked pretty well, except for Oklahoma. Three--The Director will never approve that kind of thing, in the modern era."
Alex had the last word.
"The Director is an honorable man. So are the people likely to succeed him. Its the people after them that worry me. Unless hell freezes over, and they get us behind a desk."
While the two agents plotted how to expose the butcher-turned-actor, Alex's cousin talked with his Captain.
"Captain---a word, in strictest confidence?"
Jim Kirk nodded.
"Of course."
"Cousin Alex was not fond of wearing a kilt, even when the occasion called for it. Would you like to know why?"
Kirk trusted Scotty enough to let the conversation go where it might.
"Yes, I would."
Scotty's eyes showed he was quite serious, despite his speaking in code.
"Because---kilts are known for not hiding secrets terribly well."
Kirk thought this was some kind of innuendo, until he fully analyzed Scotty's words. He then knew what the other Scotty and his partner really were.
"Yes...I understand. Thank You, Mister Scott. A most enlightening anecdote."
Kirk arranged with Spock to have an eye kept on the hyperball pros. He wished that his experience in The Mirror World hadn't forever soured him on the idea of an internal locator program. But then, men like Scott and Robinson could probably evade that with little effort.
A few hours later, Kirk received a call from Sickbay.
"Bones? Is anything wrong?"
"Jim--Kevin Riley is dead. Please come down here, as soon as possible."
When he arrived, Kirk was massively displeased, but not for the reason he was drawn down for. He looked daggers at one of his dearest friends.
"You lied to me, Doctor. Over the ship's intercom, no less. Now you will tell me why, or I swear, Bones, I'll put you off the ship."
Kelly Robinson and Alex Scott emerged, with the very-much alive Kevin Riley in tow. Kelly spoke up.
"He was acting under our authority, Captain. I'll assume you know the name on this document?"
Kirk glanced, a bit put off by what he saw.
"Yes, its a name that I've forgotten on many an occasion. What's your game, Robinson?"
Alex Scott took point.
"Captain Kirk, we know that your dealings with The Company have been few and sour. That's in contrast to our dealings, which have been many and sour. I'm asking you to trust me now as you would the man who keeps this ship's heart beating. Now, he told me that you have his trust. Well, I also have his trust, and Kelly in turn has mine. We all want the same thing--the murderer, and Kodos. I say we take all that extended trust and work towards that goal together."
Kelly followed through.
"If they think they got Riley, they'll concentrate on you. Now, no offense to our young friend, here, but I've got a feeling that you'll survive what's to come next, where he might not." Kirk shook his head.
"That sounds good, but Scotty--Kelly--you keep talking like Kodos is not our murderer."
In what must have been a Scott family quirk for ages, Alex closed his eyes, and gently shook his head.
"That's because, Jim--he's not."
Kirk went his own route, hoping to trip Karidian up. But neither a recitation of the infamous 'Tarsus Apology' nor the romancing of his only daughter helped to nail the slippery character down.
McCoy became concerned.
"Spock, how do any of them know that they're going to prove Karidian is Kodos?"
"Doctor, do you know how our guest agents found Karidian's true identity?"
"No, I have to say I don't."
"Quite simple. They combined all circumstantial evidence, and then checked his public speaking record. He is quite fond of saying that he is the Macbeth's Macbeth."
"So?"
"Doctor, don't all professions have superstitions? Lines that are kept uncrossed for no logical reason?"
McCoy nodded.
"The Scottish Play. That's what actors call Macbeth, for fear of bad luck. Then, Karidian has not been an actor all his life. A small thing, Spock. But it either shows a man who is incredibly arrogant, or tortured by guilt, waiting to be caught."
"The Play, Doctor, Is The Thing."
The play, in this case, was Hamlet, and Kirk stepped onto stage to say a few words beforehand.
"I ask at this time, that we remember Lieutenant Kevin Riley, who left us a few days ago. Kevin's parents were, as some of you know, killed on Tarsus Four, almost twenty years ago."
The troupe of actors stayed back, waiting for Kirk to finish. And they would wait.
"They, and many thousands of others, were killed by---"
Kirk pointed at a stunned Karidian.
"This man, Governor Kodos. I have, until now, kept my direct eye-witness status quiet. But now, Mister Karidian, you'll answer for your crimes. All of them."
Just offstage, a trigger was repeatedly squeezed--to no avail. Alex and Monty Scott grabbed the phaser and an angry Lenore Karidian. Monty held her flailing arms still.
"I've no desire to strike a lady, but you I'll make a clear exception for, lassie, if you move again."
Alex held up the phaser, showing its empty bottom.
"Funny thing about phasers, you see. They need power to run. Otherwise, they're just plastic costumery--like you use in a play."
Backstage, Kelly played hardball with Kodos.
"Your little girl is going down, Governor. Multiple murder charges. Not pretty. Now, is it a full-blown trial for you, and she goes to a penal colony, or do you confess, denounce your actions, and she gets sent to a decent rehab colony?"
Lenore struggled.
"Father, No! You did nothing wrong!"
A new arrogance flooded the actor's face.
"No. I did not."
Kevin Riley came out of hiding. He looked Lenore in the face.
"Shut your useless mouth."
Kevin then punched her, sending her sprawling. Kodos was infuriated.
"Why? Your grievance was with me!"
Riley looked over, and hoped his career wasn't over. But at that point, he regretted nothing.
"You killed my parents. There was no way that hitting you was going to hurt you as much as watching what I had to. A lot of lives were ruined, there, on Tarsus. Some of those kids who lost their parents - ended up in prison. Got me?"
Kodos saw Lenore led away, and nodded at Kelly.
"It would seem my greatest performance yet awaits me. The Great Mea Culpa."
Kodos would go to the Brig, and be transferred to a Starbase for extradition to Earth. The statements he would make indeed persuaded many a remote governor not to become an executioner for expediency's sake.
On the Enterprise, Kelly's admission of directing Riley's actions did not help the young man with his Captain.
"Riley--you've had your vengeance. Now find another ship. Mister Robinson--you are the least manipulative member of S31 I've ever dealt with. I do not mean that as a compliment, though. The need for your kind disgusts me, frankly."
Kelly nodded.
"Jim--it disgusts me. But will you at least concede the need is there?"
"I want to, Kelly--but I can't. Mine is an overt world."
Kelly grinned, and shrugged, as he an Kirk walked down the hall.
"Overt--overt. Tell me, who taught you that word, Jim--the android Doctor Korby or Zefram Cochrane?"
Jim sat and talked with Kelly Robinson a while, and his words cut the starship Captain a bit deeper than he would have liked.
---------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Alex Scott went with his cousin Monty. Monty asked a question of Lieutenant Uhura.
"Uhura--my cousin's with us for a few more nights. Now I know you're seeing someone--but do you know which of the ladies isn't?"
Uhura looked pensive.
"Fellas--the only one I can think of is Claricia Rashduxtable. Fair warning, though. She embodies the words 'strident shrew'. She likes to shout her men down, always has to be right or else, and tries to control the lives of just about everyone around her."
Alexander Scott shrugged.
"What's the problem? She sounds like a wonderful woman to me! Tell me--does she like chocolate pudding?"
Author : ‘Goji’ Rob Morris
Series : TOS
Type : Episode remix of ‘The Conscience Of The King’
Part : REP 1/1
Characters : TOS regulars plus cast of ‘I Spy’
Rating : PG
Summary : Who will nail the fugitive murderer Kodos first–Kirk or Kelly Robinson? Just ask Scotty what they think.
The Play's the Thing
by Rob Morris
Kirk was blunt, as one might expect.
"Mister Robinson, the only reason I am shuttling you to your next hyperball match are the combined requests of Starfleet Command and our late mutual friend, Dr. Leighton. I consider myself to be in the middle of a potential murder investigation, possibly leading to something far bigger. I most pointedly do not consider The Enterprise to be a limousine for dilettante celebrities. Am I clear?"
Kelly Robinson appeared unimpressed, and merely leaned on his racket-frame.
"Oh, clear as crystal, Captain Kirk. Uh--can I go now? I'm meeting with my trainer. Wouldn't do to get out of practice, now would it?"
As much as Kirk wanted to find the words to wipe the arrogant smile off of Kelly's face, he had more pressing concerns. What would have surprised him, then, was that Kelly and his trainer were on board because of those selfsame concerns.
Walking to Engineering, Jim saw his Chief Engineer chatting amiably with Robinson's trainer.
"Scotty?"
Both men responded as one.
"Yes?"
The Engineer raised a Spockian eyebrow, as he had since the two men were much younger, and the same thing would happen.
"Captain, I have done ye a great disservice. This is my rogue of a cousin, Alexander Scott, disgrace and heartbreak to The Clan Scott!"
Alexander "Scotty" Scott nodded mockingly at Montgmery "Scotty" Scott.
"You'll have to forgive Monty, Captain. You see, the man is an unrepentant bigot. He firmly believes that an English University like Oxford can offer a good Highlander nothing but corruption."
The Engineer nodded, just as mockingly.
"It surely robbed you of your good honest accent, Alex. Ahh, but its good to have you here. Captain, sir--you are staring at the best improviser a gadget ever saw. It runs in the family."
Alex agreed.
"Actually, Captain--when the wind begins to blow, and you are wearing those kilts near The Arctic Circle, you find the entire family starts running!"
Scotty followed his Captain, while Scotty met with his partner. Each had their own concerns.
"Other than the tabloid trash, what do we have on Kirk?"
Alex Scott shrugged.
"Not much. Parents deceased. Never married. One son. Ruthless opponent. You don't want to go up against him--ever."
Kelly looked up.
"Ok. Give me a for-ruthless."
Alex sat down.
"Monty swears by him, and that's good enough for me. You can't fool that man, and that's with five fifths in him, mind you. But--I wouldn't put it past Kirk's planning brain to murder all those people, just to draw Karidian out in the open. Not that I think that's what happened."
Kelly re-read everything they had, which was precious little.
"Kirk is not our suspect. Never was. Tom Leighton had it called right. Koridian is Kodos. Its all there."
Alex threw down the papers, a little upset.
"So? We have authority. The ship has a brig. The man is a murderer, thousands of times over--just what in blazes is The Company waiting for?"
Kelly more than understood his friend's anger.
"Scotty, you and I both know that Section 31 keeps its own counsel. But on this one, I agree. They want Koridian exposed as Kodos, during a performance, with legal, useable evidence on hand to begin prosecution with. More and more remote colonies are being built. The UFP wants those governors to know--we don't forget. You pull something--we'll find you. No more 'regrettable but necessary actions. End of that. They get ideas about how things 'should be', they go away. Far, far away. For a really long time."
Alex appeared calmer, but still disturbed.
"Kelly, this organization is beginning to stink from the neck down. Do you know that they've drawn up a plan to create and fund an alliance of malcontents, just to draw them out into the open? The Section is going to base them in The Badlands. Those poor fools will be taking orders from the very people they'll think they're rebelling against."
Kelly was no happier about this, but offered some perspective.
"One--its not a new plan. The old American CIA did the same thing with Operation : Militia. Two--it worked pretty well, except for Oklahoma. Three--The Director will never approve that kind of thing, in the modern era."
Alex had the last word.
"The Director is an honorable man. So are the people likely to succeed him. Its the people after them that worry me. Unless hell freezes over, and they get us behind a desk."
While the two agents plotted how to expose the butcher-turned-actor, Alex's cousin talked with his Captain.
"Captain---a word, in strictest confidence?"
Jim Kirk nodded.
"Of course."
"Cousin Alex was not fond of wearing a kilt, even when the occasion called for it. Would you like to know why?"
Kirk trusted Scotty enough to let the conversation go where it might.
"Yes, I would."
Scotty's eyes showed he was quite serious, despite his speaking in code.
"Because---kilts are known for not hiding secrets terribly well."
Kirk thought this was some kind of innuendo, until he fully analyzed Scotty's words. He then knew what the other Scotty and his partner really were.
"Yes...I understand. Thank You, Mister Scott. A most enlightening anecdote."
Kirk arranged with Spock to have an eye kept on the hyperball pros. He wished that his experience in The Mirror World hadn't forever soured him on the idea of an internal locator program. But then, men like Scott and Robinson could probably evade that with little effort.
A few hours later, Kirk received a call from Sickbay.
"Bones? Is anything wrong?"
"Jim--Kevin Riley is dead. Please come down here, as soon as possible."
When he arrived, Kirk was massively displeased, but not for the reason he was drawn down for. He looked daggers at one of his dearest friends.
"You lied to me, Doctor. Over the ship's intercom, no less. Now you will tell me why, or I swear, Bones, I'll put you off the ship."
Kelly Robinson and Alex Scott emerged, with the very-much alive Kevin Riley in tow. Kelly spoke up.
"He was acting under our authority, Captain. I'll assume you know the name on this document?"
Kirk glanced, a bit put off by what he saw.
"Yes, its a name that I've forgotten on many an occasion. What's your game, Robinson?"
Alex Scott took point.
"Captain Kirk, we know that your dealings with The Company have been few and sour. That's in contrast to our dealings, which have been many and sour. I'm asking you to trust me now as you would the man who keeps this ship's heart beating. Now, he told me that you have his trust. Well, I also have his trust, and Kelly in turn has mine. We all want the same thing--the murderer, and Kodos. I say we take all that extended trust and work towards that goal together."
Kelly followed through.
"If they think they got Riley, they'll concentrate on you. Now, no offense to our young friend, here, but I've got a feeling that you'll survive what's to come next, where he might not." Kirk shook his head.
"That sounds good, but Scotty--Kelly--you keep talking like Kodos is not our murderer."
In what must have been a Scott family quirk for ages, Alex closed his eyes, and gently shook his head.
"That's because, Jim--he's not."
Kirk went his own route, hoping to trip Karidian up. But neither a recitation of the infamous 'Tarsus Apology' nor the romancing of his only daughter helped to nail the slippery character down.
McCoy became concerned.
"Spock, how do any of them know that they're going to prove Karidian is Kodos?"
"Doctor, do you know how our guest agents found Karidian's true identity?"
"No, I have to say I don't."
"Quite simple. They combined all circumstantial evidence, and then checked his public speaking record. He is quite fond of saying that he is the Macbeth's Macbeth."
"So?"
"Doctor, don't all professions have superstitions? Lines that are kept uncrossed for no logical reason?"
McCoy nodded.
"The Scottish Play. That's what actors call Macbeth, for fear of bad luck. Then, Karidian has not been an actor all his life. A small thing, Spock. But it either shows a man who is incredibly arrogant, or tortured by guilt, waiting to be caught."
"The Play, Doctor, Is The Thing."
The play, in this case, was Hamlet, and Kirk stepped onto stage to say a few words beforehand.
"I ask at this time, that we remember Lieutenant Kevin Riley, who left us a few days ago. Kevin's parents were, as some of you know, killed on Tarsus Four, almost twenty years ago."
The troupe of actors stayed back, waiting for Kirk to finish. And they would wait.
"They, and many thousands of others, were killed by---"
Kirk pointed at a stunned Karidian.
"This man, Governor Kodos. I have, until now, kept my direct eye-witness status quiet. But now, Mister Karidian, you'll answer for your crimes. All of them."
Just offstage, a trigger was repeatedly squeezed--to no avail. Alex and Monty Scott grabbed the phaser and an angry Lenore Karidian. Monty held her flailing arms still.
"I've no desire to strike a lady, but you I'll make a clear exception for, lassie, if you move again."
Alex held up the phaser, showing its empty bottom.
"Funny thing about phasers, you see. They need power to run. Otherwise, they're just plastic costumery--like you use in a play."
Backstage, Kelly played hardball with Kodos.
"Your little girl is going down, Governor. Multiple murder charges. Not pretty. Now, is it a full-blown trial for you, and she goes to a penal colony, or do you confess, denounce your actions, and she gets sent to a decent rehab colony?"
Lenore struggled.
"Father, No! You did nothing wrong!"
A new arrogance flooded the actor's face.
"No. I did not."
Kevin Riley came out of hiding. He looked Lenore in the face.
"Shut your useless mouth."
Kevin then punched her, sending her sprawling. Kodos was infuriated.
"Why? Your grievance was with me!"
Riley looked over, and hoped his career wasn't over. But at that point, he regretted nothing.
"You killed my parents. There was no way that hitting you was going to hurt you as much as watching what I had to. A lot of lives were ruined, there, on Tarsus. Some of those kids who lost their parents - ended up in prison. Got me?"
Kodos saw Lenore led away, and nodded at Kelly.
"It would seem my greatest performance yet awaits me. The Great Mea Culpa."
Kodos would go to the Brig, and be transferred to a Starbase for extradition to Earth. The statements he would make indeed persuaded many a remote governor not to become an executioner for expediency's sake.
On the Enterprise, Kelly's admission of directing Riley's actions did not help the young man with his Captain.
"Riley--you've had your vengeance. Now find another ship. Mister Robinson--you are the least manipulative member of S31 I've ever dealt with. I do not mean that as a compliment, though. The need for your kind disgusts me, frankly."
Kelly nodded.
"Jim--it disgusts me. But will you at least concede the need is there?"
"I want to, Kelly--but I can't. Mine is an overt world."
Kelly grinned, and shrugged, as he an Kirk walked down the hall.
"Overt--overt. Tell me, who taught you that word, Jim--the android Doctor Korby or Zefram Cochrane?"
Jim sat and talked with Kelly Robinson a while, and his words cut the starship Captain a bit deeper than he would have liked.
---------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Alex Scott went with his cousin Monty. Monty asked a question of Lieutenant Uhura.
"Uhura--my cousin's with us for a few more nights. Now I know you're seeing someone--but do you know which of the ladies isn't?"
Uhura looked pensive.
"Fellas--the only one I can think of is Claricia Rashduxtable. Fair warning, though. She embodies the words 'strident shrew'. She likes to shout her men down, always has to be right or else, and tries to control the lives of just about everyone around her."
Alexander Scott shrugged.
"What's the problem? She sounds like a wonderful woman to me! Tell me--does she like chocolate pudding?"
Title : The Great Man Stumbles
Author : ‘Goji’ Rob Morris
Series : TNG
Type : Remix of the classic M*A*S*H episode, ‘Fallen Idol’, with canon-based speculation on the interlude between S2 and S3 of ST:TNG
Part : REP 1/1 (Slight revisions)
Characters : TNG Regulars for S2/3
Rating : PG
Summary : When Wesley is injured on a Shore Leave he did not wish to go on, Picard undergoes a massive crisis of confidence, affecting his First Officer and CMO as well, all while the most obnoxious UFP members to date make all their lives difficult, and while two crewmembers discover love and their connection to a certain medical unit from Earth’s Korean War.
Note : Please forgive the references to other M*A*S*H stories I have written here. They are 100% not necessary to read or appreciate this one, and I don’t believe they are intrusive. I include them only as part of a larger whole, but have taken pains to make their use ‘organic’.- Gojirob
The Great Man Stumbles
by Rob Morris
"Of all the people I thought would be reluctant to head down to Moguera for Shore Leave, I certainly never thought to count you among them, Mister Crusher."
Wesley sighed, but in a polite way. He was somehow hoping to simply remain aboard and have that be that, but Captain Picard's legendary thoroughness obviously extended to checking leave lists.
"Permission to speak freely, sir?"
"In private and off-duty? Of course, Wesley. What then, is troubling my very able Acting Ensign?"
"The fact, sir, that I'm not so able."
Picard took these words in and weighed them carefully. He regarded a lack of confidence on the part of any member of his extended staff as a crisis-in-the- making. Wes's casual brainstorms were a treasure he would fight to keep, if it proved necessary. It would.
"What lack do you describe, Wesley? You'll have to help me, for I must say, I've seen no evidence of it."
"Thank You, sir. But I would prefer to avoid Moguera 2. We have to be realistic, Captain. I don't always do very well when it comes to---these situations. Specifically, I refer to last year's incident on Rubicen Three, and the Edo people. My actions forced you to directly and knowingly violate The Prime Directive."
Picard frowned, and not just from the memory of that incident.
"Mister Crusher, that was to save your life from a casual, crass, and unjust death sentence. A sentence, might I add, that I would have moved to save any member of my crew from, considering that no rational being could have found you guilty, since they quite conveniently chose not to inform us of the law. Add to all of that, I now firmly believe the Edoan Deity was testing us all along, and you know my oft-voiced opinion about such tests."
But Wesley's face didn't change.
"Captain, would you say the Edoan's God was playing with us?"
Picard saw the boy was leading somewhere, but needed more to follow along the path.
"In a manner of speaking, yes, I suppose that could be said. Although I think it was at least in part to gain knowledge of us, however questionable its means of doing so."
Wes turned away, and then back.
"Sir, strictest confidence? Not a word to my mother, nor anyone else?"
"Within legal strictures, of course."
"Its nothing like that. Its just embarrassing. Okay. Remember the outfits on the Edoan women? The ones they almost weren't wearing?"
Picard smiled as he remembered, and pleasured at feeling a bit like a dirty old man.
"Vaguely. What of them?"
Wesley gulped, then looked up, and then finally spoke.
"Three of the more---well-endowed ladies there played a trick on me. Seems pranks don't get you executed. They took me to somewhat near the forbidden area, then told me to turn around. Well, I do, and when I turn back, they're doing pirouettes - but they're no longer wearing those uniforms they weren't wearing. They giggle, I start to fall back—and you know the rest. They had those strings back on in 3 seconds."
Picard felt like laughing, but wisely chose not to, for Wesley's sake.
"But you told us you were merely romping when we found you. Embarrassment? Fear of some of Mister LaForge's choice remarks?"
"No, sir. Geordi's a coward when it comes to that kind of back and forth, anyway. Always pulls rank to win. No, I figured, I was already set to die. Why risk dragging them down with me? The only thing that really bugs me is that when they pulled that---I reacted. "
"Many people would, Wesley. It was sudden, and very alluring."
"Was it? They were already, by our standards, 90% undressed. Why did that extra 10% knock me off my feet?"
Now Picard did laugh, and as he did, he got up to leave Crusher's quarters.
"Mister Crusher - two things. One, I am ordering you down to Moguera. Its a new Federation member, and bound by a great many of our laws, unlike the Edo's world. True, we don't know the culture as well as Betazed, Vulcan, or Andor. But that is what this is about, after all. Just play it by ear, and if you see trouble looming, quietly excuse
yourself and beam up "
Wes gave in.
"Yes, sir. Sir...What's The Second Thing?"
Picard had a bit of the wolf in his regal face at that moment.
"Mister Crusher, 90% is fine and dandy. But do not ever discount the impact of that final 10%. I don't care what century it is, remember to watch that last step - its a doozy!"
Wes watched his Captain leave, then prepared to join the Leave party. He stopped, though, and spoke out loud.
"Heh. Jean-Luc Picard just said 'doozy'."
Once down on the planet, Wes did indeed feel more comfortable. He tasted of the local cuisine, which was always fun. Some Moguerans then suggested he witness an event taking place in the public square, and so he went. A lot of the Leave Party were already there.
He saw men and women from all over the ship, civilian and Starfleet both. In fact, it seemed odd that they were all there, as though the same suggestion had been made quite strongly. Crusher's hackles were further raised when he noticed that the crowd had no Moguerans whatsoever.
"Crusher To Enter....."
A suppressive field was operating somewhere. The badge wasn't transmitting.
Now, people that Wesley recognized as State Security surrounded the square, wielding large phaser rifles. The head of the group walked up to an Asian woman Wes had seen around the ship.
"You! Who was the undersecretary for outworld finance in the 120th Cycle of our world's existence?"
The woman's eyes shifted. She had once been told a story of an immigrant ancestor who had to answer questions that crazed bigots would throw in her face. She now understood that woman just a little better.
"I'm---very sorry. I'm in botany, back on the ship. I never had a chance to delve that deeply into your culture. But I've been meaning to."
The guard shook his head disdainfully.
"Such contemptible ignorance of our sacred culture."
He raised his gun-butt to strike the woman, but a hand grabbed his and pushed the gun away.
"Why don't you just walk away before we friendly folk get really annoyed? You wouldn't like us when we're annoyed."
As Wesley guessed, all this got Transporter Chief O'Brien was a beating of his own. The woman from botany held up his head once the thugs were done.
"Thank You--but I don't think he would have hurt me as badly as he did you."
O'Brien smiled, despite the pain.
"Ah, my baby sister hits harder than that palooka! Sides, my old ugly mug can take a few punches better than your pretty face."
She liked his toughness. She would like it more as time went on.
"I'm Keiko Ishikawa, from Botany."
"Miles Edward O...."
"I know who you are. I mean---I've seen you around."
In the midst of a crisis, something precious had begun.
Wes used the training Commander Riker gave him, and sized up the area. Moguera was a spaceworthy world, but not yet rolling in the latest tech. So it was that when he spotted a large, obtrusive device - he more or less knew it had to be the comm signal jammer. He thought about seizing a rifle, and then thought better of it. The leader of the guards ranted.
"You come to our world, harass our people, and eat our food---but you only wade into our superior culture's history. This is an insolence for which we demand satisfaction! Any last words?"
"Just one, sir. A question."
In his pocket, Wes activated the spare comm-badge he had kept with him at all times since Rubicen 3--not to mention that time with Aldea and the children. He had never quite forgiven them for asking for and then just taking the children as they did. When he was little, doing that kind of thing got him in real trouble.
"What question, boy?"
"Sir, what was the name of the undersecretary in your question?"
The sick man smiled.
"Who cares?"
As he and his men opened fire, people began to die. But Wesley did what his dear friends and his Captain would have done. He reasoned a way out. Powering up his main comm-badge, he hurled it at what he hoped was the jammer. O'Brien saw this and gave Wes a thumbs up, for he knew that if a low-tech jammer suddenly met up with the high-tech device it was jamming, an explosion might follow, and it did.
"Good work, Wes. Like my great-great grandma used to say, don't put tinfoil in the microwave! I never understood what that meant."
The head guard was ranting as everyone beamed up.
"No! You don't escape! Not from me! Our world is so superior, Bajor stole its culture and copied it. This is against the treaty!"
Because of his spare comm-badge's low power, Wes was the last to be beamed up. As he did, the guards unloaded every weapon into his position. Some of the energy got through, as Doctor Kate Pulaski witnessed.
"Pulaski to Bridge! All the survivors are up! Only one wounded, though very badly. He'll pull through, I think."
On the Bridge, Picard sighed in relief that only five had been lost, although there was no reason for even those five to have died.
"Good work, Doctor. Who is the wounded individual?"
"Wesley Crusher, Captain. I don't understand what he was doing down there. He told me he wasn't going."
On the Bridge, Geordi chimed in.
"Yeah, that's what he told me, too. Wonder why he changed his mind."
Picard shook visibly, and thought out loud.
"He didn't change his mind. I ordered him to go, to get over his fears of a repeat of Rubicen 3."
Kate Pulaski, attending to a wounded Wesley, also spoke without thinking.
"You've given better advice in your time, Captain. Much better."
Riker responded.
"Doctor, that is quite enough! Bridge Out!"
Data took note of something.
"Captain, several small ships bearing Mogueran registry and possessing a much higher level of technology than we have believed them to posses are bearing down on our position. Weapons already charged."
Worf looked up from his station.
"Captain--they are demanding we surrender our 'War Criminals'. Permission to tell them what part of Hell they should burn in, sir?"
But Picard didn't answer. His face was that of one lost, his eyes vacant and soulless.
"Number One, take over. Extricate us as you see fit. I'll be in my quarters."
A stunned Will Riker watched as a man who once swore he'd stay on the Bridge if bisected withdrew from the scene of a battle. It wasn't the Romulans, true. But the sight alone was a soul-breaker.
"All right. Mister Data, get us the hell out of here. Mister Worf, if they try to block us, be gentle but firm."
Worf nodded.
"Of course, sir. Every bat'leth has a blunt edge, after all, for just such an emergency."
And so the Enterprise withdrew. Riker called Sickbay.
"Doctor Pulaski, how is Ensign Crusher?"
"He may be just fine. But like I told Picard, he's not up to seeing anyone right now. I had to chase him out."
"You chased out the Captain?"
"I'll tell you what I told him, Commander. In this instance, he's caused quite enough trouble for one day."
Riker breathed in, but failed to calm himself.
"Doctor Pulaski, that's two, and I am counting."
Will then cut off the connection himself.
"Now, all I have to do is figure out what the hell the Moguerans are up to, get with Starfleet on how to handle this mess, deal with a wounded navigator being treated by an insubordinate doctor, bury our dead---and see if I get our Captain back."
The XO stared at the Bridge's lift doors.
"He left us."
In his quarters, Jean-Luc Picard stared at two pictures. One was of Wesley Crusher. The other was of Jack Crusher.
"Sacre Couer, Sang Real'. Please, not again. I couldn't bear it."
Author : ‘Goji’ Rob Morris
Series : TNG
Type : Remix of the classic M*A*S*H episode, ‘Fallen Idol’, with canon-based speculation on the interlude between S2 and S3 of ST:TNG
Part : REP 1/1 (Slight revisions)
Characters : TNG Regulars for S2/3
Rating : PG
Summary : When Wesley is injured on a Shore Leave he did not wish to go on, Picard undergoes a massive crisis of confidence, affecting his First Officer and CMO as well, all while the most obnoxious UFP members to date make all their lives difficult, and while two crewmembers discover love and their connection to a certain medical unit from Earth’s Korean War.
Note : Please forgive the references to other M*A*S*H stories I have written here. They are 100% not necessary to read or appreciate this one, and I don’t believe they are intrusive. I include them only as part of a larger whole, but have taken pains to make their use ‘organic’.- Gojirob
The Great Man Stumbles
by Rob Morris
"Of all the people I thought would be reluctant to head down to Moguera for Shore Leave, I certainly never thought to count you among them, Mister Crusher."
Wesley sighed, but in a polite way. He was somehow hoping to simply remain aboard and have that be that, but Captain Picard's legendary thoroughness obviously extended to checking leave lists.
"Permission to speak freely, sir?"
"In private and off-duty? Of course, Wesley. What then, is troubling my very able Acting Ensign?"
"The fact, sir, that I'm not so able."
Picard took these words in and weighed them carefully. He regarded a lack of confidence on the part of any member of his extended staff as a crisis-in-the- making. Wes's casual brainstorms were a treasure he would fight to keep, if it proved necessary. It would.
"What lack do you describe, Wesley? You'll have to help me, for I must say, I've seen no evidence of it."
"Thank You, sir. But I would prefer to avoid Moguera 2. We have to be realistic, Captain. I don't always do very well when it comes to---these situations. Specifically, I refer to last year's incident on Rubicen Three, and the Edo people. My actions forced you to directly and knowingly violate The Prime Directive."
Picard frowned, and not just from the memory of that incident.
"Mister Crusher, that was to save your life from a casual, crass, and unjust death sentence. A sentence, might I add, that I would have moved to save any member of my crew from, considering that no rational being could have found you guilty, since they quite conveniently chose not to inform us of the law. Add to all of that, I now firmly believe the Edoan Deity was testing us all along, and you know my oft-voiced opinion about such tests."
But Wesley's face didn't change.
"Captain, would you say the Edoan's God was playing with us?"
Picard saw the boy was leading somewhere, but needed more to follow along the path.
"In a manner of speaking, yes, I suppose that could be said. Although I think it was at least in part to gain knowledge of us, however questionable its means of doing so."
Wes turned away, and then back.
"Sir, strictest confidence? Not a word to my mother, nor anyone else?"
"Within legal strictures, of course."
"Its nothing like that. Its just embarrassing. Okay. Remember the outfits on the Edoan women? The ones they almost weren't wearing?"
Picard smiled as he remembered, and pleasured at feeling a bit like a dirty old man.
"Vaguely. What of them?"
Wesley gulped, then looked up, and then finally spoke.
"Three of the more---well-endowed ladies there played a trick on me. Seems pranks don't get you executed. They took me to somewhat near the forbidden area, then told me to turn around. Well, I do, and when I turn back, they're doing pirouettes - but they're no longer wearing those uniforms they weren't wearing. They giggle, I start to fall back—and you know the rest. They had those strings back on in 3 seconds."
Picard felt like laughing, but wisely chose not to, for Wesley's sake.
"But you told us you were merely romping when we found you. Embarrassment? Fear of some of Mister LaForge's choice remarks?"
"No, sir. Geordi's a coward when it comes to that kind of back and forth, anyway. Always pulls rank to win. No, I figured, I was already set to die. Why risk dragging them down with me? The only thing that really bugs me is that when they pulled that---I reacted. "
"Many people would, Wesley. It was sudden, and very alluring."
"Was it? They were already, by our standards, 90% undressed. Why did that extra 10% knock me off my feet?"
Now Picard did laugh, and as he did, he got up to leave Crusher's quarters.
"Mister Crusher - two things. One, I am ordering you down to Moguera. Its a new Federation member, and bound by a great many of our laws, unlike the Edo's world. True, we don't know the culture as well as Betazed, Vulcan, or Andor. But that is what this is about, after all. Just play it by ear, and if you see trouble looming, quietly excuse
yourself and beam up "
Wes gave in.
"Yes, sir. Sir...What's The Second Thing?"
Picard had a bit of the wolf in his regal face at that moment.
"Mister Crusher, 90% is fine and dandy. But do not ever discount the impact of that final 10%. I don't care what century it is, remember to watch that last step - its a doozy!"
Wes watched his Captain leave, then prepared to join the Leave party. He stopped, though, and spoke out loud.
"Heh. Jean-Luc Picard just said 'doozy'."
Once down on the planet, Wes did indeed feel more comfortable. He tasted of the local cuisine, which was always fun. Some Moguerans then suggested he witness an event taking place in the public square, and so he went. A lot of the Leave Party were already there.
He saw men and women from all over the ship, civilian and Starfleet both. In fact, it seemed odd that they were all there, as though the same suggestion had been made quite strongly. Crusher's hackles were further raised when he noticed that the crowd had no Moguerans whatsoever.
"Crusher To Enter....."
A suppressive field was operating somewhere. The badge wasn't transmitting.
Now, people that Wesley recognized as State Security surrounded the square, wielding large phaser rifles. The head of the group walked up to an Asian woman Wes had seen around the ship.
"You! Who was the undersecretary for outworld finance in the 120th Cycle of our world's existence?"
The woman's eyes shifted. She had once been told a story of an immigrant ancestor who had to answer questions that crazed bigots would throw in her face. She now understood that woman just a little better.
"I'm---very sorry. I'm in botany, back on the ship. I never had a chance to delve that deeply into your culture. But I've been meaning to."
The guard shook his head disdainfully.
"Such contemptible ignorance of our sacred culture."
He raised his gun-butt to strike the woman, but a hand grabbed his and pushed the gun away.
"Why don't you just walk away before we friendly folk get really annoyed? You wouldn't like us when we're annoyed."
As Wesley guessed, all this got Transporter Chief O'Brien was a beating of his own. The woman from botany held up his head once the thugs were done.
"Thank You--but I don't think he would have hurt me as badly as he did you."
O'Brien smiled, despite the pain.
"Ah, my baby sister hits harder than that palooka! Sides, my old ugly mug can take a few punches better than your pretty face."
She liked his toughness. She would like it more as time went on.
"I'm Keiko Ishikawa, from Botany."
"Miles Edward O...."
"I know who you are. I mean---I've seen you around."
In the midst of a crisis, something precious had begun.
Wes used the training Commander Riker gave him, and sized up the area. Moguera was a spaceworthy world, but not yet rolling in the latest tech. So it was that when he spotted a large, obtrusive device - he more or less knew it had to be the comm signal jammer. He thought about seizing a rifle, and then thought better of it. The leader of the guards ranted.
"You come to our world, harass our people, and eat our food---but you only wade into our superior culture's history. This is an insolence for which we demand satisfaction! Any last words?"
"Just one, sir. A question."
In his pocket, Wes activated the spare comm-badge he had kept with him at all times since Rubicen 3--not to mention that time with Aldea and the children. He had never quite forgiven them for asking for and then just taking the children as they did. When he was little, doing that kind of thing got him in real trouble.
"What question, boy?"
"Sir, what was the name of the undersecretary in your question?"
The sick man smiled.
"Who cares?"
As he and his men opened fire, people began to die. But Wesley did what his dear friends and his Captain would have done. He reasoned a way out. Powering up his main comm-badge, he hurled it at what he hoped was the jammer. O'Brien saw this and gave Wes a thumbs up, for he knew that if a low-tech jammer suddenly met up with the high-tech device it was jamming, an explosion might follow, and it did.
"Good work, Wes. Like my great-great grandma used to say, don't put tinfoil in the microwave! I never understood what that meant."
The head guard was ranting as everyone beamed up.
"No! You don't escape! Not from me! Our world is so superior, Bajor stole its culture and copied it. This is against the treaty!"
Because of his spare comm-badge's low power, Wes was the last to be beamed up. As he did, the guards unloaded every weapon into his position. Some of the energy got through, as Doctor Kate Pulaski witnessed.
"Pulaski to Bridge! All the survivors are up! Only one wounded, though very badly. He'll pull through, I think."
On the Bridge, Picard sighed in relief that only five had been lost, although there was no reason for even those five to have died.
"Good work, Doctor. Who is the wounded individual?"
"Wesley Crusher, Captain. I don't understand what he was doing down there. He told me he wasn't going."
On the Bridge, Geordi chimed in.
"Yeah, that's what he told me, too. Wonder why he changed his mind."
Picard shook visibly, and thought out loud.
"He didn't change his mind. I ordered him to go, to get over his fears of a repeat of Rubicen 3."
Kate Pulaski, attending to a wounded Wesley, also spoke without thinking.
"You've given better advice in your time, Captain. Much better."
Riker responded.
"Doctor, that is quite enough! Bridge Out!"
Data took note of something.
"Captain, several small ships bearing Mogueran registry and possessing a much higher level of technology than we have believed them to posses are bearing down on our position. Weapons already charged."
Worf looked up from his station.
"Captain--they are demanding we surrender our 'War Criminals'. Permission to tell them what part of Hell they should burn in, sir?"
But Picard didn't answer. His face was that of one lost, his eyes vacant and soulless.
"Number One, take over. Extricate us as you see fit. I'll be in my quarters."
A stunned Will Riker watched as a man who once swore he'd stay on the Bridge if bisected withdrew from the scene of a battle. It wasn't the Romulans, true. But the sight alone was a soul-breaker.
"All right. Mister Data, get us the hell out of here. Mister Worf, if they try to block us, be gentle but firm."
Worf nodded.
"Of course, sir. Every bat'leth has a blunt edge, after all, for just such an emergency."
And so the Enterprise withdrew. Riker called Sickbay.
"Doctor Pulaski, how is Ensign Crusher?"
"He may be just fine. But like I told Picard, he's not up to seeing anyone right now. I had to chase him out."
"You chased out the Captain?"
"I'll tell you what I told him, Commander. In this instance, he's caused quite enough trouble for one day."
Riker breathed in, but failed to calm himself.
"Doctor Pulaski, that's two, and I am counting."
Will then cut off the connection himself.
"Now, all I have to do is figure out what the hell the Moguerans are up to, get with Starfleet on how to handle this mess, deal with a wounded navigator being treated by an insubordinate doctor, bury our dead---and see if I get our Captain back."
The XO stared at the Bridge's lift doors.
"He left us."
In his quarters, Jean-Luc Picard stared at two pictures. One was of Wesley Crusher. The other was of Jack Crusher.
"Sacre Couer, Sang Real'. Please, not again. I couldn't bear it."
Miles was a bit thrown off by his dinner date's attitude.
"Look, Keiko. I've apologized repeatedly for not remembering that Commander Data introduced us before the incident on Moguera Two. Can't you let it go?"
"I don't see why I should. Miles, explain why you are so memorable to me, but I'm somehow forgettable?"
O'Brien sighed.
"Because the men in my family are genetic fools. Want to hear an example?"
Keiko was suspicious, but intrigued.
"Go ahead."
"All right. Seamus O'Brien was a hard working man with no social graces. Well, there's this nun who treats him kindly. He asks her how he can better himself so that a woman he knows won't be disgusted by how uncouth he is. She gives him little tips, and notices that sure enough, the single women in the parish are looking him over for the first time. One day, he asks her how he can further better himself. Now, he doesn't drink nearly as much as he did, brushes his teeth, shaves, and changes out of work clothes to go to social gatherings. With a sad smile, she states he is now as good as he'll be. He turns to leave, and almost misses the tear that trickles down her eye. He's not drunk, but realizes
how very blind he was. The fool got down on one knee in the House Of God and proposed marriage to the Sister. She then ran to her Mother Superior."
Keiko nodded.
"To have the bum thrown out, I'd bet!"
"You'd bet wrong. She told her Mother Superior she was giving up The Habit, since God had answered her prayers. The man she loved had finally wised up. Though it caused a great stir among her family, Katherine Mulcahy married Seamus O'Brien in late 1954. Her brother, a Priest name of Francis, reluctantly performed the ceremony. There you have it - foolish O'Briens as far back as the cosmic eye can see. Hey, is something wrong? You look lost."
"No, not lost. Tell me, Miles--was this Francis Mulcahy a veteran of the Korean War of that era?"
Miles thought back.
"Now that you mention it, yeah. He served at a frontline medical unit as its chaplain. Served with no less than Hawkeye Pierce and Hot Lips Houlihan, the people who broke Khan Singh’s rule."
Keiko smiled. The ancient vid of the vile dictator literally being heckled from power by chants of ‘We Want Something Else’ was an all-time classic piece of history. For her, living history.
"Do those family stories mention a Max Klinger?"
Miles laughed.
"Sure--as I recall, he was a slacker transvestite draft dodger who, after dozens of failed scams, ended up staying in Korea after the war! Married some dippy local who was just as thick-skulled as him–her name was--.”
Keiko was frowning.
“Her name was Soon-Lee Han. Max and her had two children, a son, Walter Sherman Cy Young Klinger, and Maxine, who later married a Japanese businessman who had stayed with the Klingers while studying in America.”
Miles did not catch her frown at all.
“Yeah, but they were still both dippy. He got himself thrown in jail a few times, and she was the type that bought tons of breakfast cereal to get free dinner plates! Say–how do you know so much about those two morons?”
Miles like linguini in a bed of cheese, and in marinara sauce. His lap, though, was another story. After dumping the plate, Keiko stormed off. Miles just sat there with a dumb look. Guinan walked over.
"I think those Klingers were her ancestors. Are you sure you're not descended from Major Burns?"
"Nerts to you, Guinan."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Will Riker couldn't believe the day he was having. Crewmen dead, Wesley fighting for his life, the Captain sullen and withdrawn, Pulaski practicing insubordination along with medicine, and now this shocking news from Starfleet.
"Admiral, are you saying the Moguerans attack on our Leave Party is to be excused?"
Nechayev frowned.
"Riker, I don't know how this insanity got started. Because, according to the treaty by which Moguera Two was made a member of The Federation, this kind of attack was One Hundred Percent -- Legal. Allow me time to get to the bottom of this, Commander. Something is amiss in Denmark, as they say."
Will found himself face-to-face with a primal Starfleet nightmare. An enemy given legal sanction by his own government to kill his people with impunity. He thought out loud.
"Its like when I was a kid. 'Behave' I was told, 'You're A Guest In Someone's House'. Then, later, it was 'Behave, They Are Guests In Your House'. Meanwhile ...the other kids won't share their things and try to break mine. Wonderful. Acting Commander of a Starship, and I find myself 8 years old again!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
It was an extremely tentative Jean-Luc Picard that entered Sickbay. He had been out of circulation for an unheard of two days. Next to the recovering Wesley's bio-bed was Kate Pulaski. He was, by nature, not a hesitator. But the sight of the injured boy with Jack's face indeed gave the Captain pause. For he himself had played a part in the debacle that caused those injuries. He waited in the outer area and gathered his formidable courage.
On the Bridge, Will Riker shook his head at the apparently insane Mogueran Captain who appeared on the view screen.
"You shake your head at my generous offer, Riker. Why, when we of Moguera have been so gracious?"
Will showed reserve in this moment that was not only Picardian, but damned near Spockian.
"Well Mister Rian, our position is like this. You have casually murdered fellow Federation citizens who were members of my crew. You have claimed that we have offended your culture and broken laws that we were not told of--laws that you yourself admit are not on your books. You have fired upon this ship, demanding we turn the survivors of your attack over to you. We, in turn, have moved to disable your fleet. Have I missed anything?"
The look on Rian's face was the calm one of an utter psychotic.
"No. That was most thorough. Except for the young man who damaged Mogueran property. As a gesture of good faith toward a fellow Federation member, you must show us proof that he is dead by your hand."
Riker raised an eyebrow.
"We'll take it under advisement. Mister Worf, SEVER the connection."
"Done, sir. Myself, I'd rather bunk with a Romulan than listen to any more of this 'Superior Mogueran' idiocy."
La Forge nodded in assent.
"Commander, has anyone been able to figure out how these people even got into the Federation?"
"Not yet, Geordi. But for right now, there's something I have to retrieve, so you have the Conn."
"Aye, sir. But what are you going to retrieve?"
Riker stopped by the turbolift doors and turned slightly.
"Our Captain."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Down in Sickbay, the patient man known as the Scourge of Romulus finally figured out how to say hello to a teenaged boy.
"Hello. Wesley. I'm pleased to see that you're doing better."
The young man's face didn't carry the look of one who was improving.
"Hello, Captain. I'm glad you're doing better, too. All things considered."
"Well, I don't much care for the ominous undertones of that statement. Care to elaborate?"
"Not unless I have to, Captain."
Picard's front began to wither.
"Yes, yes you do have to. I don't take terribly well to vagueness."
Wesley breathed in, and Picard saw that it still hurt him to do so.
"Captain Picard---rumor has it that you left the Bridge during the first Mogueran attack. That Commander Riker had to get us out."
Picard nodded.
"Indeed. What Of It? I'd do the same for him, given a minor crisis such as that. "
Crusher's eyes turned grim and harsh.
"Commander Riker is not The Captain. You are, sir! You had no right to leave that Bridge unless you were injured. Some people --- might lose confidence in you, and your ability to lead effectively."
As Riker found him in Sickbay, Jean-Luc found himself absolutely livid at Wesley's veiled notion. The burden he already had was enormous, and its weight was killing him inside.
"Mister Crusher, this may in fact come as a great and savage blow to your prodigy's ego, but my assignment aboard Enterprise most pointedly does not include playing model hero to brats who ride their families coattails into space. I am not perfect, and I don't believe I made any claims to that effect. So, then, to Hell with your idol worship, to Hell with your genius, and whilst we broach the subject - To Hell With You!"
Riker stopped the departing Picard, and stared at him in amazement.
"Just who are you? Because you're not Jean-Luc Picard, that's for damned certain."
"Oh, I'm Jean-Luc Picard, Number One. I can prove it very, very easily. By relieving you of duty. Confine yourself to quarters, pending review of your insubordination."
Sarcastic clapping was heard from Pulaski.
"Congratulations, Captain! That's three for............"
"DOCTOR PULASKI! You are relieved of all duties, and will be put off the ship at the next available Starbase. You were given ample warning---you all were."
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Then, Counselor, there was this animal yelling at Will and Wesley. Took me hours to realize that animal was myself. So foolish, all of it. What can I do to regain what we had?"
Deanna turned her head downward, then looked back up at her Captain.
"You can do nothing. What you once had-- is now gone forever."
These were words that tore at Jean-Luc's soul as no others could. It was done.
"Look, Keiko. I've apologized repeatedly for not remembering that Commander Data introduced us before the incident on Moguera Two. Can't you let it go?"
"I don't see why I should. Miles, explain why you are so memorable to me, but I'm somehow forgettable?"
O'Brien sighed.
"Because the men in my family are genetic fools. Want to hear an example?"
Keiko was suspicious, but intrigued.
"Go ahead."
"All right. Seamus O'Brien was a hard working man with no social graces. Well, there's this nun who treats him kindly. He asks her how he can better himself so that a woman he knows won't be disgusted by how uncouth he is. She gives him little tips, and notices that sure enough, the single women in the parish are looking him over for the first time. One day, he asks her how he can further better himself. Now, he doesn't drink nearly as much as he did, brushes his teeth, shaves, and changes out of work clothes to go to social gatherings. With a sad smile, she states he is now as good as he'll be. He turns to leave, and almost misses the tear that trickles down her eye. He's not drunk, but realizes
how very blind he was. The fool got down on one knee in the House Of God and proposed marriage to the Sister. She then ran to her Mother Superior."
Keiko nodded.
"To have the bum thrown out, I'd bet!"
"You'd bet wrong. She told her Mother Superior she was giving up The Habit, since God had answered her prayers. The man she loved had finally wised up. Though it caused a great stir among her family, Katherine Mulcahy married Seamus O'Brien in late 1954. Her brother, a Priest name of Francis, reluctantly performed the ceremony. There you have it - foolish O'Briens as far back as the cosmic eye can see. Hey, is something wrong? You look lost."
"No, not lost. Tell me, Miles--was this Francis Mulcahy a veteran of the Korean War of that era?"
Miles thought back.
"Now that you mention it, yeah. He served at a frontline medical unit as its chaplain. Served with no less than Hawkeye Pierce and Hot Lips Houlihan, the people who broke Khan Singh’s rule."
Keiko smiled. The ancient vid of the vile dictator literally being heckled from power by chants of ‘We Want Something Else’ was an all-time classic piece of history. For her, living history.
"Do those family stories mention a Max Klinger?"
Miles laughed.
"Sure--as I recall, he was a slacker transvestite draft dodger who, after dozens of failed scams, ended up staying in Korea after the war! Married some dippy local who was just as thick-skulled as him–her name was--.”
Keiko was frowning.
“Her name was Soon-Lee Han. Max and her had two children, a son, Walter Sherman Cy Young Klinger, and Maxine, who later married a Japanese businessman who had stayed with the Klingers while studying in America.”
Miles did not catch her frown at all.
“Yeah, but they were still both dippy. He got himself thrown in jail a few times, and she was the type that bought tons of breakfast cereal to get free dinner plates! Say–how do you know so much about those two morons?”
Miles like linguini in a bed of cheese, and in marinara sauce. His lap, though, was another story. After dumping the plate, Keiko stormed off. Miles just sat there with a dumb look. Guinan walked over.
"I think those Klingers were her ancestors. Are you sure you're not descended from Major Burns?"
"Nerts to you, Guinan."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Will Riker couldn't believe the day he was having. Crewmen dead, Wesley fighting for his life, the Captain sullen and withdrawn, Pulaski practicing insubordination along with medicine, and now this shocking news from Starfleet.
"Admiral, are you saying the Moguerans attack on our Leave Party is to be excused?"
Nechayev frowned.
"Riker, I don't know how this insanity got started. Because, according to the treaty by which Moguera Two was made a member of The Federation, this kind of attack was One Hundred Percent -- Legal. Allow me time to get to the bottom of this, Commander. Something is amiss in Denmark, as they say."
Will found himself face-to-face with a primal Starfleet nightmare. An enemy given legal sanction by his own government to kill his people with impunity. He thought out loud.
"Its like when I was a kid. 'Behave' I was told, 'You're A Guest In Someone's House'. Then, later, it was 'Behave, They Are Guests In Your House'. Meanwhile ...the other kids won't share their things and try to break mine. Wonderful. Acting Commander of a Starship, and I find myself 8 years old again!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
It was an extremely tentative Jean-Luc Picard that entered Sickbay. He had been out of circulation for an unheard of two days. Next to the recovering Wesley's bio-bed was Kate Pulaski. He was, by nature, not a hesitator. But the sight of the injured boy with Jack's face indeed gave the Captain pause. For he himself had played a part in the debacle that caused those injuries. He waited in the outer area and gathered his formidable courage.
On the Bridge, Will Riker shook his head at the apparently insane Mogueran Captain who appeared on the view screen.
"You shake your head at my generous offer, Riker. Why, when we of Moguera have been so gracious?"
Will showed reserve in this moment that was not only Picardian, but damned near Spockian.
"Well Mister Rian, our position is like this. You have casually murdered fellow Federation citizens who were members of my crew. You have claimed that we have offended your culture and broken laws that we were not told of--laws that you yourself admit are not on your books. You have fired upon this ship, demanding we turn the survivors of your attack over to you. We, in turn, have moved to disable your fleet. Have I missed anything?"
The look on Rian's face was the calm one of an utter psychotic.
"No. That was most thorough. Except for the young man who damaged Mogueran property. As a gesture of good faith toward a fellow Federation member, you must show us proof that he is dead by your hand."
Riker raised an eyebrow.
"We'll take it under advisement. Mister Worf, SEVER the connection."
"Done, sir. Myself, I'd rather bunk with a Romulan than listen to any more of this 'Superior Mogueran' idiocy."
La Forge nodded in assent.
"Commander, has anyone been able to figure out how these people even got into the Federation?"
"Not yet, Geordi. But for right now, there's something I have to retrieve, so you have the Conn."
"Aye, sir. But what are you going to retrieve?"
Riker stopped by the turbolift doors and turned slightly.
"Our Captain."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Down in Sickbay, the patient man known as the Scourge of Romulus finally figured out how to say hello to a teenaged boy.
"Hello. Wesley. I'm pleased to see that you're doing better."
The young man's face didn't carry the look of one who was improving.
"Hello, Captain. I'm glad you're doing better, too. All things considered."
"Well, I don't much care for the ominous undertones of that statement. Care to elaborate?"
"Not unless I have to, Captain."
Picard's front began to wither.
"Yes, yes you do have to. I don't take terribly well to vagueness."
Wesley breathed in, and Picard saw that it still hurt him to do so.
"Captain Picard---rumor has it that you left the Bridge during the first Mogueran attack. That Commander Riker had to get us out."
Picard nodded.
"Indeed. What Of It? I'd do the same for him, given a minor crisis such as that. "
Crusher's eyes turned grim and harsh.
"Commander Riker is not The Captain. You are, sir! You had no right to leave that Bridge unless you were injured. Some people --- might lose confidence in you, and your ability to lead effectively."
As Riker found him in Sickbay, Jean-Luc found himself absolutely livid at Wesley's veiled notion. The burden he already had was enormous, and its weight was killing him inside.
"Mister Crusher, this may in fact come as a great and savage blow to your prodigy's ego, but my assignment aboard Enterprise most pointedly does not include playing model hero to brats who ride their families coattails into space. I am not perfect, and I don't believe I made any claims to that effect. So, then, to Hell with your idol worship, to Hell with your genius, and whilst we broach the subject - To Hell With You!"
Riker stopped the departing Picard, and stared at him in amazement.
"Just who are you? Because you're not Jean-Luc Picard, that's for damned certain."
"Oh, I'm Jean-Luc Picard, Number One. I can prove it very, very easily. By relieving you of duty. Confine yourself to quarters, pending review of your insubordination."
Sarcastic clapping was heard from Pulaski.
"Congratulations, Captain! That's three for............"
"DOCTOR PULASKI! You are relieved of all duties, and will be put off the ship at the next available Starbase. You were given ample warning---you all were."
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Then, Counselor, there was this animal yelling at Will and Wesley. Took me hours to realize that animal was myself. So foolish, all of it. What can I do to regain what we had?"
Deanna turned her head downward, then looked back up at her Captain.
"You can do nothing. What you once had-- is now gone forever."
These were words that tore at Jean-Luc's soul as no others could. It was done.
After some more talk with Deanna, Captain Picard accepted both the harsh truth and hidden meaning of her words. What had been between himself, Will Riker, and Wesley Crusher was now done. The trick would now lie in building what was to follow.
"Well, that's the real trick isn't it?"
Nursing his drink in a quiet corner of Ten-Forward, Jean-Luc hadn't heard Guinan sneak up on him. But then, he rarely did. That was Guinan, after all.
"What is the real trick?"
"Ohhh...building a new relationship with people. People you already know, and care for. People who have seemingly left you, in an unthinking moment. People you want back--very badly."
"Small ship, eh Guinan?"
"If it weren't, I could have still read that all straight off your face, Captain. Go--and talk to them. They want to be your friends again. You want to be their friend again. I don't see the impasse, frankly."
Picard hung his head, slightly, not meeting Guinan's hyper-intuitive gaze.
"I won't have them worshiping me, Guinan. That is one burden I will not bear. I will lead them, by authority, and by example. But mine is the example provided by a man. A man, who, at his core, is as any other man. I'll accept their forgiveness, if they'll give it. But the divine honors I will not allow. I won't have it."
Guinan seemed frustrated that she would not be the one to make the final breakthrough with Jean-Luc. So she settled for being part of his path back.
"Jean-Luc, remind me to tell you sometime who my hero is. Suffice it to say, he was a great man who could have ordered a wise withdrawal. Instead, he saved my life and the lives of over 100 of my people at the cost of his own. And some of them DO worship him, paused speech patterns or no. For now, go talk to O'Brien."
"But--Mister O'Brien and I are not upset with one another."
Guinan stared hard.
"Scoot."
Picard got up, but smiled at Guinan.
"Captains, my friend, do not scoot."
"Then Vamoose!"
"Very well, Guinan--I am vaaamooosing."
Guinan just rolled her eyes.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miles O'Brien was punching some names into a PADD when Picard walked over to him.
"Gathering an enemies' list, Mister O'Brien?"
"Oh, Captain. No sir, not hardly. I'd be here all my days. No, I'm just setting up a reunion."
"Of the USS Rutledge senior staff, I presume?"
"No again, sir. I'm setting up a reunion of the MASH 4077th."
Picard tilted his head at that statement.
"Umm..Miles. Isn't that the medical unit in which Colonels Houlihan and Pierce met and fell in love, 50 years before they defeated Khan Singh?"
"Uh-huh. The very one."
"I see...no I don't. Galactic legend aside, aren't those people all centuries dead?"
Miles wondered at Picard's question, then suddenly caught on.
"Ha! Sir, I meant a reunion of those people's descendants! For example, I'm related to that unit's company chaplain, while Keiko Ishikawa from Botany is descended from their 2nd Company Clerk. So far, I've only found two more : Emissary Keh'lyr, descended from a John McIntyre, and the Executive Officer on The Saratoga, descended from their 2nd Commanding Officer. When I have enough names, me and Keiko are going to organize this thing and do it right. That little medical unit had some real colorful characters in it--not to mention producing two of the greatest heroes in Federation History."
Picard became pensive at such talk.
"History tells us that Pierce was an iconoclast. He probably would ask you why in blazes you are putting him up on so high a pedestal."
Miles nodded.
"I've thought of that. My response would be that his actions speak for him. He is a legend because of what he did : Restored freedom and democracy on our Earth, thus insuring Earth's pivotal role in the Federation. By calling Khan Singh out in public, he exposed him for what he was."
"He was just a man. He would tell you surely, that he needs no such burden placed upon him .He and his wife merely sought to prevent the ascendancy of a monster crafted by the same scientists who had experimented upon them without their knowledge, while in Korea. Something about phony influenza inoculations, if I recall correctly. Just a woman. Just a man. "
"Ah, sir. But it is because he was just a man that his actions were extraordinary. Whatever the truth about the Pierces' rumored longevity, there is and remains this fact : They beat the bad guy, and in so doing, saved the world. If he doesn't like being a legend, he should have shut his mouth and let Khan take over."
But Picard hadn't yet given up.
"My studies show a man who was, on occasion, a drunkard, a sexist womanizer, politically preachy, disrespectful of even friendly authorities, and an unparalleled egotist. Your Great Man stumbled quite often, Mister O'Brien."
O'Brien would not let his Captain, who he knew to be on edge, draw him in any further.
"Sir, I have to go. Miss Ishikawa is preparing us a small dinner in her quarters. But, yes, Hawkeye Pierce and for that matter, Hot Lips Houlihan, did stumble often, as you say. Still, even though The Great Man Stumbles, he yet remains a great man. Evening, Captain."
So Miles left the still-dazed Jean-Luc Picard, lost in an early morning fog, but now starting to catch sight of visions to see him past the pains.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Jean-Luc was now a man on a mission. He had four great tasks before him. Now, he also carried with him the will and desire to accomplish those tasks. Yes, he had tripped and fallen. Yes, neither he nor his crew had been prepared for that inevitability. But now, he hoped, this event had immunized them from being crippled by it in the future. His first stop on this hopefully redemptive path - Sickbay.
"No need to yell further, Captain. I'm packing my things. I'll be ready for our next stop."
Picard indeed saw Kate Pulaski gathering those few items in Sickbay that were uniquely hers. But now that his head was clear of anger and guilt, he saw many other things - including a pattern.
"I've a question, Doctor, if you would be so kind as to answer it."
"On the off-chance you can keep a civil tongue in your head, I'd be more than happy to answer it, Captain."
Picard reminded himself both not to be drawn in and that he was in fact, The Captain.
"Actually, Doctor, you will answer my question, or we will go from a quiet putting-off to a full-blown court martial proceeding. Which is it?"
Picard now saw fury in her eyes, but it was not directed at him.
"Ask your damned question."
"I shall. Why is a superior surgeon and CMO seeking to build up a crisis of enmity between herself and her Commanding Officer, whom, I am told, she once requested to serve with?"
Kate sighed. The jig was up, in more ways than one.
"Remember, two months back, when Will Riker was recovering from his infection on Surata Four? Well, I tested myself when all was done, to make sure nothing of that spore/parasite had leaped from his bloodstream to mine. Nothing had."
Picard nodded.
"Certainly a wise precaution."
"Yes, well---the test showed something else. Something about a precaution I failed to take. More specifically, one that both I and Kyle Riker failed to take. Jean-Luc----I'm Pregnant!"
Picard smiled slightly, but not at Pulaski's expense. Rather, he was cheered that all this discomfort had so mundane an explanation.
"Kate--while you seem slightly embarrassed by this development, it hardly warrants your leaving in this manner. Your options are many. Among them are raising the child here, or--simply not having it at all."
Calmer now, Kate Pulaski responded to the gesture of friendship in kind.
"Its not as simple as all that. While I won't force my beliefs on anyone else, I myself must adhere to them or be a hypocrite. Translation: I'm having this baby. What's more, I've had a better offer. Sorry, Captain."
"Better offer? What manner of better offer?"
"Oh, just a position I've waited some years to fill. You can come out now, Commander Stepson."
It was a brighter Will Riker than Jean-Luc had seen in days that emerged from behind the rear partition.
"Hello, Captain. From your current tone of voice, is it safe to say we have you back?"
"Indeed, Number One. I am back. That other Jean-Luc you dealt with—is gone. Good riddance, I say."
Riker was careful not to heap on the praise, but it was hard.
"Maybe he was a transporter accident, sir. Either way--permission to speak freely, Captain?"
"Granted."
"If any XO of mine ever barks at me the way I did at you, I'm beaming them off the ship then and there--whether there happens to be a planet below at the time or not. You have my deepest apologies, sir. I suppose--well, I guess that in our admiration for you, we forget ourselves. You had a bad moment in a massively confusing situation. You did not endanger the ship. But I acted like somehow that's what you had done. If I can continue to serve aboard this ship, I'll consider the incident done on my end."
"Well, Mister Riker, I'm already losing my CMO to Kyle Riker's secret proposal of marriage. I'd rather not lose my Number One to Will Riker's crashed overestimation of my endurance. So, let us say, it is done. Except for two lingering subjects."
Riker nodded.
"The Moguerans."
Pulaski added to her stepson's words.
"And Wesley. He's not pleased with you right now, Jean-Luc."
Picard motioned for them to follow as they left for Crusher's quarters.
"That's quite understandable, Doctor. I've given him small reason to be pleased with me, of late. Will the extended Riker clan back me up on this vital mission of recovery?"
Will responded without missing a beat.
"Always."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Inside his quarters, a young man sat and sulked. He knew he shouldn't sulk, but that's exactly what he was doing. He was depressed, and extremely bitter.
"To hell with me?"
Wesley also knew that mumbling to one's self was not considered a good sign. But Picard's words had ripped straight through his core. He had spent much of his recovery studying the oddities of the Mogueran treaty bringing that strange world into the Federation. While the chilling document provided a decent distraction, it could not hope to pull his attention away entirely.
"To Hell With Me?"
He knew what he was. He knew what people said of him. He and they often felt like he was an impostor, a lucky geek who got to run with the gods up on the Bridge. He felt that way in bad moments. He knew that some people saw him that way all the time. Up until that point, though, he hadn't known that Jean-Luc Picard was among those people.
"TO HELL WITH ME!?"
Crusher wondered how long Picard had been regretting his choice to allow the once-forbidden 'child' on the Bridge. Had it been his failure to make the Academy? Or worse, was it some unknowable instant on or off the Bridge? Some reaction or response he had given that told the seasoned veteran with decades worth of Command experience that the boy simply didn't have it? If so, then he was lost. He could deal with the rules, such as they were. But unspoken standards were completely outside his ability to reason out. So his anger at The Captain grew. He stood up and shouted loudly straight at the door to his quarters.
"TO HELL WITH ME, HUH? WELL--SIR--TO HELL WITH YOU!!!!"
As often happens in life, the doors chose then to open just in time for Captain Picard to hear every last word. Riker and Pulaski were with him, eyes wide at the rant. Crusher shrunk, sat on his bed and put his head down, certain he was going to be sick. Picard, though, had expected –not this- but something like it. He spoke calmly.
"Well spoken, Mister Crusher. If you're through, may I speak now?"
Still dazed at this incredible run of bad luck, Wes only nodded, never lifting his head.
"I have a problem, Wesley. It involves those I hold dear and the awkward manner in which I often choose to express my affection for them and my concern for their well-being. In short, I ask you to forgive my rash words in Sickbay. I allowed the loss of your father to strike out at you, years down the path. I'm not entirely certain charges shouldn't be brought against me."
Now the young man did look up.
"Charges, sir? For what?"
The Captain shrugged.
"Oh, several things I can think of. Did you know, for example, that barring a compelling reason, my ordering you down to Moguera Two was completely illegal? Also, leaving the Bridge as I did put me firmly in the wrong. Maintaining silence, only to break it with a childish tirade? Do you know what I was in those moments, Wesley?"
"Confused, sir?"
"Certainly that. Although it's no excuse. I've recently delved into the history of a medical unit in Earth's Korean War. Its first CO was called the most confused man who ever lived. But what I did he would never have done, and so became a fell creature, and unworthy."
Picard could handle a dramatic pause as well as any previous Enterprise Captain.
"I became unworthy of commanding fine Bridge Officers like Will Riker, Geordi LaForge, Deanna Troi, Worf Rozhenko--- and Wesley Eugene Crusher."
The look of simple gratitude and forgiveness on Wesley's face effectively ended Picard's brief crisis of confidence. He took note of Crusher's PADD.
"They tell me you're a know-it-all, Mister Crusher. So have you found anything at all in the Mogueran Entry Treaty that explains why you were badly wounded and five of my crewmen killed?"
"I'm afraid that I have, Captain. But you won't like it."
Wesley breathed in before he began, even though in his mind Picard was no longer god-like. That hardly mattered, though, since Picard The Man was quite formidable whether on Mount Olympus or The Bridge Of The Enterprise. Zeus or Jean-Luc, he was still The Captain.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Picard listened as Wesley spoke. As Crusher had predicted, his Captain didn't like a single thing he heard.
"Basically, the Moguerans were well within their rights to attack us, as per the terms of their entry treaty."
Pulaski shook her head.
"Wesley, how can that be? All planets admitted to the Federation must adhere in some fashion to the Twenty Guarantees. Asking a vapid question like they did and then killing people for not knowing is something even The Romulans would probably draw the line at."
Crusher didn't disagree.
"I know, Doctor. But you see, the Moguerans never agreed to The Twenty. The way this treaty is worded, they get the full benefits of Federation membership but get treated as though they were still under Prime Directive non-intervention restrictions. All they gave was vague promises to someday consider our guarantees--if they feel like it. Whoever gave the thumbs up on this treaty must have been certifiable--sir."
Picard looked over the sections of treaty that Wes had highlighted. More than the last few days, it all shocked him.
"Certifiable, indeed. This--thing--gives them the right to casually declare war on another Federation planet, allies like The Klingons, and even Romulus! Hmm..it seems that they were previously kept out under Entry Restriction Nineteen."
Riker did a double-take.
"Restriction Nineteen? But that's never been invoked since its inclusion, fifty years ago. How could any planet be so bad as to activate that?"
Wesley gave in to curiosity.
"Ok, I admit it. I don't know what Restriction Nineteen is. Sounds kind of ominous, though."
Doctor Pulaski took this one.
"You see, Wes, it was foreseen that, eventually, there would come a culture that would deliberately test the most patient of Ambassadors. Hence Entry Restriction Nineteen. Its language is simple, and says that a culture which lives too far within itself, and finds bullying joy in harassing non-natives ought to be excluded on that basis alone, til their culture can grow and evolve under the terms of The Prime Directive."
Picard took it from there, while Riker answered a call from the Bridge.
"Mind you, those claims must be verified. Taken the wrong way, Tellarite argumentativeness could be used as an exclusionary factor. But Tellarites love debate, not cruelty. These Moguerans are different. They have, since contact was made, embodied the colloquial slang name for Restriction Nineteen - 'Don't Mess With The Tourists.' Why, then, were they finally brought in?"
Riker returned from his call.
"Sir, Ambassador Justiniopolis transport just pulled out of Moguera. He is not a happy man."
"Something the Moguerans did?"
"Aye, Captain. You won't believe this. The Ambassador has two cybernetic legs - souvenirs of The Cardassian War. Well, the Mogueran President cuts them off, then pulls off the man's briefs to humiliate him. He's calling the Federation Council now, and has asked that we rendezvous with him."
Picard shook his head.
"Merde! To Cut Off A Man's Legs--And Steal His Drawers! Number One, we're all for The Bridge. We're calling Command and get this sorry matter settled."
As they did just that, Kate Pulaski took one last longing look at Sickbay. She sniffed for just a second.
"Its A Long Way, To Tipperary....."
"Well, that's the real trick isn't it?"
Nursing his drink in a quiet corner of Ten-Forward, Jean-Luc hadn't heard Guinan sneak up on him. But then, he rarely did. That was Guinan, after all.
"What is the real trick?"
"Ohhh...building a new relationship with people. People you already know, and care for. People who have seemingly left you, in an unthinking moment. People you want back--very badly."
"Small ship, eh Guinan?"
"If it weren't, I could have still read that all straight off your face, Captain. Go--and talk to them. They want to be your friends again. You want to be their friend again. I don't see the impasse, frankly."
Picard hung his head, slightly, not meeting Guinan's hyper-intuitive gaze.
"I won't have them worshiping me, Guinan. That is one burden I will not bear. I will lead them, by authority, and by example. But mine is the example provided by a man. A man, who, at his core, is as any other man. I'll accept their forgiveness, if they'll give it. But the divine honors I will not allow. I won't have it."
Guinan seemed frustrated that she would not be the one to make the final breakthrough with Jean-Luc. So she settled for being part of his path back.
"Jean-Luc, remind me to tell you sometime who my hero is. Suffice it to say, he was a great man who could have ordered a wise withdrawal. Instead, he saved my life and the lives of over 100 of my people at the cost of his own. And some of them DO worship him, paused speech patterns or no. For now, go talk to O'Brien."
"But--Mister O'Brien and I are not upset with one another."
Guinan stared hard.
"Scoot."
Picard got up, but smiled at Guinan.
"Captains, my friend, do not scoot."
"Then Vamoose!"
"Very well, Guinan--I am vaaamooosing."
Guinan just rolled her eyes.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miles O'Brien was punching some names into a PADD when Picard walked over to him.
"Gathering an enemies' list, Mister O'Brien?"
"Oh, Captain. No sir, not hardly. I'd be here all my days. No, I'm just setting up a reunion."
"Of the USS Rutledge senior staff, I presume?"
"No again, sir. I'm setting up a reunion of the MASH 4077th."
Picard tilted his head at that statement.
"Umm..Miles. Isn't that the medical unit in which Colonels Houlihan and Pierce met and fell in love, 50 years before they defeated Khan Singh?"
"Uh-huh. The very one."
"I see...no I don't. Galactic legend aside, aren't those people all centuries dead?"
Miles wondered at Picard's question, then suddenly caught on.
"Ha! Sir, I meant a reunion of those people's descendants! For example, I'm related to that unit's company chaplain, while Keiko Ishikawa from Botany is descended from their 2nd Company Clerk. So far, I've only found two more : Emissary Keh'lyr, descended from a John McIntyre, and the Executive Officer on The Saratoga, descended from their 2nd Commanding Officer. When I have enough names, me and Keiko are going to organize this thing and do it right. That little medical unit had some real colorful characters in it--not to mention producing two of the greatest heroes in Federation History."
Picard became pensive at such talk.
"History tells us that Pierce was an iconoclast. He probably would ask you why in blazes you are putting him up on so high a pedestal."
Miles nodded.
"I've thought of that. My response would be that his actions speak for him. He is a legend because of what he did : Restored freedom and democracy on our Earth, thus insuring Earth's pivotal role in the Federation. By calling Khan Singh out in public, he exposed him for what he was."
"He was just a man. He would tell you surely, that he needs no such burden placed upon him .He and his wife merely sought to prevent the ascendancy of a monster crafted by the same scientists who had experimented upon them without their knowledge, while in Korea. Something about phony influenza inoculations, if I recall correctly. Just a woman. Just a man. "
"Ah, sir. But it is because he was just a man that his actions were extraordinary. Whatever the truth about the Pierces' rumored longevity, there is and remains this fact : They beat the bad guy, and in so doing, saved the world. If he doesn't like being a legend, he should have shut his mouth and let Khan take over."
But Picard hadn't yet given up.
"My studies show a man who was, on occasion, a drunkard, a sexist womanizer, politically preachy, disrespectful of even friendly authorities, and an unparalleled egotist. Your Great Man stumbled quite often, Mister O'Brien."
O'Brien would not let his Captain, who he knew to be on edge, draw him in any further.
"Sir, I have to go. Miss Ishikawa is preparing us a small dinner in her quarters. But, yes, Hawkeye Pierce and for that matter, Hot Lips Houlihan, did stumble often, as you say. Still, even though The Great Man Stumbles, he yet remains a great man. Evening, Captain."
So Miles left the still-dazed Jean-Luc Picard, lost in an early morning fog, but now starting to catch sight of visions to see him past the pains.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Jean-Luc was now a man on a mission. He had four great tasks before him. Now, he also carried with him the will and desire to accomplish those tasks. Yes, he had tripped and fallen. Yes, neither he nor his crew had been prepared for that inevitability. But now, he hoped, this event had immunized them from being crippled by it in the future. His first stop on this hopefully redemptive path - Sickbay.
"No need to yell further, Captain. I'm packing my things. I'll be ready for our next stop."
Picard indeed saw Kate Pulaski gathering those few items in Sickbay that were uniquely hers. But now that his head was clear of anger and guilt, he saw many other things - including a pattern.
"I've a question, Doctor, if you would be so kind as to answer it."
"On the off-chance you can keep a civil tongue in your head, I'd be more than happy to answer it, Captain."
Picard reminded himself both not to be drawn in and that he was in fact, The Captain.
"Actually, Doctor, you will answer my question, or we will go from a quiet putting-off to a full-blown court martial proceeding. Which is it?"
Picard now saw fury in her eyes, but it was not directed at him.
"Ask your damned question."
"I shall. Why is a superior surgeon and CMO seeking to build up a crisis of enmity between herself and her Commanding Officer, whom, I am told, she once requested to serve with?"
Kate sighed. The jig was up, in more ways than one.
"Remember, two months back, when Will Riker was recovering from his infection on Surata Four? Well, I tested myself when all was done, to make sure nothing of that spore/parasite had leaped from his bloodstream to mine. Nothing had."
Picard nodded.
"Certainly a wise precaution."
"Yes, well---the test showed something else. Something about a precaution I failed to take. More specifically, one that both I and Kyle Riker failed to take. Jean-Luc----I'm Pregnant!"
Picard smiled slightly, but not at Pulaski's expense. Rather, he was cheered that all this discomfort had so mundane an explanation.
"Kate--while you seem slightly embarrassed by this development, it hardly warrants your leaving in this manner. Your options are many. Among them are raising the child here, or--simply not having it at all."
Calmer now, Kate Pulaski responded to the gesture of friendship in kind.
"Its not as simple as all that. While I won't force my beliefs on anyone else, I myself must adhere to them or be a hypocrite. Translation: I'm having this baby. What's more, I've had a better offer. Sorry, Captain."
"Better offer? What manner of better offer?"
"Oh, just a position I've waited some years to fill. You can come out now, Commander Stepson."
It was a brighter Will Riker than Jean-Luc had seen in days that emerged from behind the rear partition.
"Hello, Captain. From your current tone of voice, is it safe to say we have you back?"
"Indeed, Number One. I am back. That other Jean-Luc you dealt with—is gone. Good riddance, I say."
Riker was careful not to heap on the praise, but it was hard.
"Maybe he was a transporter accident, sir. Either way--permission to speak freely, Captain?"
"Granted."
"If any XO of mine ever barks at me the way I did at you, I'm beaming them off the ship then and there--whether there happens to be a planet below at the time or not. You have my deepest apologies, sir. I suppose--well, I guess that in our admiration for you, we forget ourselves. You had a bad moment in a massively confusing situation. You did not endanger the ship. But I acted like somehow that's what you had done. If I can continue to serve aboard this ship, I'll consider the incident done on my end."
"Well, Mister Riker, I'm already losing my CMO to Kyle Riker's secret proposal of marriage. I'd rather not lose my Number One to Will Riker's crashed overestimation of my endurance. So, let us say, it is done. Except for two lingering subjects."
Riker nodded.
"The Moguerans."
Pulaski added to her stepson's words.
"And Wesley. He's not pleased with you right now, Jean-Luc."
Picard motioned for them to follow as they left for Crusher's quarters.
"That's quite understandable, Doctor. I've given him small reason to be pleased with me, of late. Will the extended Riker clan back me up on this vital mission of recovery?"
Will responded without missing a beat.
"Always."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Inside his quarters, a young man sat and sulked. He knew he shouldn't sulk, but that's exactly what he was doing. He was depressed, and extremely bitter.
"To hell with me?"
Wesley also knew that mumbling to one's self was not considered a good sign. But Picard's words had ripped straight through his core. He had spent much of his recovery studying the oddities of the Mogueran treaty bringing that strange world into the Federation. While the chilling document provided a decent distraction, it could not hope to pull his attention away entirely.
"To Hell With Me?"
He knew what he was. He knew what people said of him. He and they often felt like he was an impostor, a lucky geek who got to run with the gods up on the Bridge. He felt that way in bad moments. He knew that some people saw him that way all the time. Up until that point, though, he hadn't known that Jean-Luc Picard was among those people.
"TO HELL WITH ME!?"
Crusher wondered how long Picard had been regretting his choice to allow the once-forbidden 'child' on the Bridge. Had it been his failure to make the Academy? Or worse, was it some unknowable instant on or off the Bridge? Some reaction or response he had given that told the seasoned veteran with decades worth of Command experience that the boy simply didn't have it? If so, then he was lost. He could deal with the rules, such as they were. But unspoken standards were completely outside his ability to reason out. So his anger at The Captain grew. He stood up and shouted loudly straight at the door to his quarters.
"TO HELL WITH ME, HUH? WELL--SIR--TO HELL WITH YOU!!!!"
As often happens in life, the doors chose then to open just in time for Captain Picard to hear every last word. Riker and Pulaski were with him, eyes wide at the rant. Crusher shrunk, sat on his bed and put his head down, certain he was going to be sick. Picard, though, had expected –not this- but something like it. He spoke calmly.
"Well spoken, Mister Crusher. If you're through, may I speak now?"
Still dazed at this incredible run of bad luck, Wes only nodded, never lifting his head.
"I have a problem, Wesley. It involves those I hold dear and the awkward manner in which I often choose to express my affection for them and my concern for their well-being. In short, I ask you to forgive my rash words in Sickbay. I allowed the loss of your father to strike out at you, years down the path. I'm not entirely certain charges shouldn't be brought against me."
Now the young man did look up.
"Charges, sir? For what?"
The Captain shrugged.
"Oh, several things I can think of. Did you know, for example, that barring a compelling reason, my ordering you down to Moguera Two was completely illegal? Also, leaving the Bridge as I did put me firmly in the wrong. Maintaining silence, only to break it with a childish tirade? Do you know what I was in those moments, Wesley?"
"Confused, sir?"
"Certainly that. Although it's no excuse. I've recently delved into the history of a medical unit in Earth's Korean War. Its first CO was called the most confused man who ever lived. But what I did he would never have done, and so became a fell creature, and unworthy."
Picard could handle a dramatic pause as well as any previous Enterprise Captain.
"I became unworthy of commanding fine Bridge Officers like Will Riker, Geordi LaForge, Deanna Troi, Worf Rozhenko--- and Wesley Eugene Crusher."
The look of simple gratitude and forgiveness on Wesley's face effectively ended Picard's brief crisis of confidence. He took note of Crusher's PADD.
"They tell me you're a know-it-all, Mister Crusher. So have you found anything at all in the Mogueran Entry Treaty that explains why you were badly wounded and five of my crewmen killed?"
"I'm afraid that I have, Captain. But you won't like it."
Wesley breathed in before he began, even though in his mind Picard was no longer god-like. That hardly mattered, though, since Picard The Man was quite formidable whether on Mount Olympus or The Bridge Of The Enterprise. Zeus or Jean-Luc, he was still The Captain.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Picard listened as Wesley spoke. As Crusher had predicted, his Captain didn't like a single thing he heard.
"Basically, the Moguerans were well within their rights to attack us, as per the terms of their entry treaty."
Pulaski shook her head.
"Wesley, how can that be? All planets admitted to the Federation must adhere in some fashion to the Twenty Guarantees. Asking a vapid question like they did and then killing people for not knowing is something even The Romulans would probably draw the line at."
Crusher didn't disagree.
"I know, Doctor. But you see, the Moguerans never agreed to The Twenty. The way this treaty is worded, they get the full benefits of Federation membership but get treated as though they were still under Prime Directive non-intervention restrictions. All they gave was vague promises to someday consider our guarantees--if they feel like it. Whoever gave the thumbs up on this treaty must have been certifiable--sir."
Picard looked over the sections of treaty that Wes had highlighted. More than the last few days, it all shocked him.
"Certifiable, indeed. This--thing--gives them the right to casually declare war on another Federation planet, allies like The Klingons, and even Romulus! Hmm..it seems that they were previously kept out under Entry Restriction Nineteen."
Riker did a double-take.
"Restriction Nineteen? But that's never been invoked since its inclusion, fifty years ago. How could any planet be so bad as to activate that?"
Wesley gave in to curiosity.
"Ok, I admit it. I don't know what Restriction Nineteen is. Sounds kind of ominous, though."
Doctor Pulaski took this one.
"You see, Wes, it was foreseen that, eventually, there would come a culture that would deliberately test the most patient of Ambassadors. Hence Entry Restriction Nineteen. Its language is simple, and says that a culture which lives too far within itself, and finds bullying joy in harassing non-natives ought to be excluded on that basis alone, til their culture can grow and evolve under the terms of The Prime Directive."
Picard took it from there, while Riker answered a call from the Bridge.
"Mind you, those claims must be verified. Taken the wrong way, Tellarite argumentativeness could be used as an exclusionary factor. But Tellarites love debate, not cruelty. These Moguerans are different. They have, since contact was made, embodied the colloquial slang name for Restriction Nineteen - 'Don't Mess With The Tourists.' Why, then, were they finally brought in?"
Riker returned from his call.
"Sir, Ambassador Justiniopolis transport just pulled out of Moguera. He is not a happy man."
"Something the Moguerans did?"
"Aye, Captain. You won't believe this. The Ambassador has two cybernetic legs - souvenirs of The Cardassian War. Well, the Mogueran President cuts them off, then pulls off the man's briefs to humiliate him. He's calling the Federation Council now, and has asked that we rendezvous with him."
Picard shook his head.
"Merde! To Cut Off A Man's Legs--And Steal His Drawers! Number One, we're all for The Bridge. We're calling Command and get this sorry matter settled."
As they did just that, Kate Pulaski took one last longing look at Sickbay. She sniffed for just a second.
"Its A Long Way, To Tipperary....."
When she arrived on the Bridge, Picard was consulting with an Admiral she didn't recognize onscreen.
"Captain Picard, this is a delicate matter, and one where as few questions as possible should be asked. Please let the Diplomats do their good work."
"I hope, Admiral, that by good work, you don't refer to this Entry Treaty. Because a Cadet in Introductory Diplomacy would see the gaping holes in it. No disrespect intended, but I want and deserve to know why five of my crewmen are dead by the hands of licensed thugs on a Federation world."
The Admiral sighed.
"An ethical question arose in The Council. There were complaints that only those planets that were resource-wealthy, culture-strong or strategically placed were being admitted. So, they sought out a world that met none of these criteria. Some who were zealously devoted to this notion found Moguera Two, and became vocal that it be admitted by any and all means. The treaty's crafters were not budding Sareks or Rivas. Whatever the Moguerans wanted, they gave them. With that, here we are."
Picard kept his calm, despite alternating desires to laugh or scream at this absurdity.
"Admiral, allow me to see if I have this all correct. These idle theorists sought out a world with extremely difficult natives and no intrinsic value to The Federation in The Arts or any other venue. Having found such a world, they then handed them a blank check, so to speak."
The woman nodded.
"It gets better. Moguerans hate their own history. They feel they are superior because they wipe away all traces of the old history every fifty years. We don't even have access to their archaeological grounds."
Onscreen, The Admiral saw a message and smiled.
"Captain Picard, proceed back to Moguera Two. The Council wishes you to deliver a message."
Picard did just that, and upon arrival, was greeted with the face of a man he was more convinced than ever was mad. He was Gi Gan, the Mogueran President.
"So, you have returned to surrender our prisoners. Of course, your previous defiance now means that you and all your crew must surrender, as well. Your ship becomes Mogueran property. When will you begin the mass surrender?"
Picard grinned.
"Never. Mister Crusher, please deliver the message from The Federation Council."
"With pleasure, sir. 'The Planet Of Moguera Two, having displayed the very worst sort of behavior possible for a Federation member, and having offered no rational explanation for said behavior, is hereby the first world in all of known history to be completely and absolutely expelled from The United Federation Of Planets.' That's just about it, Captain."
Gi Gan was livid.
"This---is an insolence! I demand satisfaction!"
Picard was not about to give him any.
"You want satisfaction, Mister President? Go To Your Better Business Bureau. Myself, I haven't the time. Also–should any Mogueran ship so much as sneeze on a Federation vessel, allied vessel, or enemy we’re at peace with, please be certain, there will be hell to pay. You’re getting off easy, Mister President, so don’t press your luck. End of this--and all further transmissions!"
Ten years later, a greatly changed Moguera Two tentatively reapplied to The Federation, discovering it was hard to mess with the tourists when there weren't any. It is said that the negotiating sessions regarding reparations were things of legend. Ambassador Justinopolis even went so far as to demand ten kilos of strawberry ice cream and a container of spam.
But on The Enterprise-D, that next week, Moguera Two and the troubles it had wrought were fading. The dead were mourned, and the living connected with them satisfied that the guilty parties had tasted grief. At Starbase 200, Will Riker said goodbye to his new Stepmother, Kate Pulaski.
"Now, you be sure and make him treat you right. If you don't nudge sometimes, he takes you for granted."
Pulaski smiled.
"Fine by me. You just promise to be there when I deliver, Will. Baby will want to meet Big Brother, first thing. Oh, I feel so stupid. But when Kyle finally proposed, I melted. Hey, when do I get a nice, pretty stepdaughter-in-law? Say, an empathic one?"
Will feigned confusion.
"What, you want I should marry a Deltan?"
The punch to his arm was well-deserved.
Back on the ship, Picard was annoyed at having missed Pulaski by ten minutes.
"Hardly like her not to say goodbye. By the way, Wesley, thank you very much for accompanying me to Sickbay like this. I want a valued friend with me as we greet Kate's replacement---whoever they may be. God help me, it may not even be a surgeon. Just a general practitioner with administrative skills."
They stood before the Sickbay Door.
"Sir, whoever they are--I'll bet they're waiting."
"Indeed. Tell me, Mister Crusher, how did you get so brave?"
"I inherited it from my father's best friend."
Picard was extremely thankful at that moment that he was not a hugger. They went in, and there the replacement was. Jean-Luc and Wesley gasped.
"Well, then--I suppose this is what we get for allowing Doctor Pulaski to handle the matter of her replacement, eh Wesley?"
The boy was crying unashamed tears of joy.
"Yes, sir. We get the very best."
The beautiful woman with the red hair and broad smile hugged her son for a full two minutes. Doctor Beverly Crusher had returned home. She released her son, and held Jean-Luc's hand.
"Both of you---In the examination room, Right Now! I am not letting a year go by without giving you complete physicals."
Knowing better than to argue, The Captain and his Acting Ensign made for the Exam Room. Beverly looked around her new/old domain.
"God, its good to be back!"
She then took off the small red beret hat she was wearing, and tossed it into the air. In the background, Nurse Ogawa stared askance at the odd sight.
EPILOGUE - HOLODECK 4
As BJ Hunnicutt waved them off, Miles O'Brien and Keiko Ishikawa's Helicopter lifted off. Keiko was in her glory. She and Miles had fallen rapidly and deeply in love.
"Oh, I know this part of the story. BJ leaves Hawkeye the message 'GoodBye' written in stones on the ground. But it was hardly the last time they saw each other."
Miles frowned.
"Keiko, the program messed up the message. Will you look down and see what it says?"
Indeed, she did. She looked, and then she cried. Written in the stones was not one word, but two.
"MARRY ME"
"Miles?! Computer, Place Message in stones below, Keiko-One!"
Instantly, the stones rearranged and formed a single word. She had been ready for this.
"YES"
The two landed, and kissed. Despite the wartime simulation, the setting was the most romantic they'd ever seen, for they were with each other.
"Hmmm. Any other programs based on the 4077th?"
Miles nodded.
"Plenty. Want to hear my favorites?"
"Only for the rest of my life."
"Ok. Let’s see. They were in Tokyo, having a reunion, when the first Gojira attack occurred. Nahhh. Let’s keep it during the Korean War. Now, Pierce sends Radar O’Reilly off to Seoul to have a good time, only, along the way, the poor kid gets hurt. Pierce feels a tremendous amount of guilt, and...."
THE END
"Captain Picard, this is a delicate matter, and one where as few questions as possible should be asked. Please let the Diplomats do their good work."
"I hope, Admiral, that by good work, you don't refer to this Entry Treaty. Because a Cadet in Introductory Diplomacy would see the gaping holes in it. No disrespect intended, but I want and deserve to know why five of my crewmen are dead by the hands of licensed thugs on a Federation world."
The Admiral sighed.
"An ethical question arose in The Council. There were complaints that only those planets that were resource-wealthy, culture-strong or strategically placed were being admitted. So, they sought out a world that met none of these criteria. Some who were zealously devoted to this notion found Moguera Two, and became vocal that it be admitted by any and all means. The treaty's crafters were not budding Sareks or Rivas. Whatever the Moguerans wanted, they gave them. With that, here we are."
Picard kept his calm, despite alternating desires to laugh or scream at this absurdity.
"Admiral, allow me to see if I have this all correct. These idle theorists sought out a world with extremely difficult natives and no intrinsic value to The Federation in The Arts or any other venue. Having found such a world, they then handed them a blank check, so to speak."
The woman nodded.
"It gets better. Moguerans hate their own history. They feel they are superior because they wipe away all traces of the old history every fifty years. We don't even have access to their archaeological grounds."
Onscreen, The Admiral saw a message and smiled.
"Captain Picard, proceed back to Moguera Two. The Council wishes you to deliver a message."
Picard did just that, and upon arrival, was greeted with the face of a man he was more convinced than ever was mad. He was Gi Gan, the Mogueran President.
"So, you have returned to surrender our prisoners. Of course, your previous defiance now means that you and all your crew must surrender, as well. Your ship becomes Mogueran property. When will you begin the mass surrender?"
Picard grinned.
"Never. Mister Crusher, please deliver the message from The Federation Council."
"With pleasure, sir. 'The Planet Of Moguera Two, having displayed the very worst sort of behavior possible for a Federation member, and having offered no rational explanation for said behavior, is hereby the first world in all of known history to be completely and absolutely expelled from The United Federation Of Planets.' That's just about it, Captain."
Gi Gan was livid.
"This---is an insolence! I demand satisfaction!"
Picard was not about to give him any.
"You want satisfaction, Mister President? Go To Your Better Business Bureau. Myself, I haven't the time. Also–should any Mogueran ship so much as sneeze on a Federation vessel, allied vessel, or enemy we’re at peace with, please be certain, there will be hell to pay. You’re getting off easy, Mister President, so don’t press your luck. End of this--and all further transmissions!"
Ten years later, a greatly changed Moguera Two tentatively reapplied to The Federation, discovering it was hard to mess with the tourists when there weren't any. It is said that the negotiating sessions regarding reparations were things of legend. Ambassador Justinopolis even went so far as to demand ten kilos of strawberry ice cream and a container of spam.
But on The Enterprise-D, that next week, Moguera Two and the troubles it had wrought were fading. The dead were mourned, and the living connected with them satisfied that the guilty parties had tasted grief. At Starbase 200, Will Riker said goodbye to his new Stepmother, Kate Pulaski.
"Now, you be sure and make him treat you right. If you don't nudge sometimes, he takes you for granted."
Pulaski smiled.
"Fine by me. You just promise to be there when I deliver, Will. Baby will want to meet Big Brother, first thing. Oh, I feel so stupid. But when Kyle finally proposed, I melted. Hey, when do I get a nice, pretty stepdaughter-in-law? Say, an empathic one?"
Will feigned confusion.
"What, you want I should marry a Deltan?"
The punch to his arm was well-deserved.
Back on the ship, Picard was annoyed at having missed Pulaski by ten minutes.
"Hardly like her not to say goodbye. By the way, Wesley, thank you very much for accompanying me to Sickbay like this. I want a valued friend with me as we greet Kate's replacement---whoever they may be. God help me, it may not even be a surgeon. Just a general practitioner with administrative skills."
They stood before the Sickbay Door.
"Sir, whoever they are--I'll bet they're waiting."
"Indeed. Tell me, Mister Crusher, how did you get so brave?"
"I inherited it from my father's best friend."
Picard was extremely thankful at that moment that he was not a hugger. They went in, and there the replacement was. Jean-Luc and Wesley gasped.
"Well, then--I suppose this is what we get for allowing Doctor Pulaski to handle the matter of her replacement, eh Wesley?"
The boy was crying unashamed tears of joy.
"Yes, sir. We get the very best."
The beautiful woman with the red hair and broad smile hugged her son for a full two minutes. Doctor Beverly Crusher had returned home. She released her son, and held Jean-Luc's hand.
"Both of you---In the examination room, Right Now! I am not letting a year go by without giving you complete physicals."
Knowing better than to argue, The Captain and his Acting Ensign made for the Exam Room. Beverly looked around her new/old domain.
"God, its good to be back!"
She then took off the small red beret hat she was wearing, and tossed it into the air. In the background, Nurse Ogawa stared askance at the odd sight.
EPILOGUE - HOLODECK 4
As BJ Hunnicutt waved them off, Miles O'Brien and Keiko Ishikawa's Helicopter lifted off. Keiko was in her glory. She and Miles had fallen rapidly and deeply in love.
"Oh, I know this part of the story. BJ leaves Hawkeye the message 'GoodBye' written in stones on the ground. But it was hardly the last time they saw each other."
Miles frowned.
"Keiko, the program messed up the message. Will you look down and see what it says?"
Indeed, she did. She looked, and then she cried. Written in the stones was not one word, but two.
"MARRY ME"
"Miles?! Computer, Place Message in stones below, Keiko-One!"
Instantly, the stones rearranged and formed a single word. She had been ready for this.
"YES"
The two landed, and kissed. Despite the wartime simulation, the setting was the most romantic they'd ever seen, for they were with each other.
"Hmmm. Any other programs based on the 4077th?"
Miles nodded.
"Plenty. Want to hear my favorites?"
"Only for the rest of my life."
"Ok. Let’s see. They were in Tokyo, having a reunion, when the first Gojira attack occurred. Nahhh. Let’s keep it during the Korean War. Now, Pierce sends Radar O’Reilly off to Seoul to have a good time, only, along the way, the poor kid gets hurt. Pierce feels a tremendous amount of guilt, and...."
THE END
Title : Therapy For Methuselah
Author : ‘Goji’ Rob Morris
Series : TOS
Type : Remix of ‘Requiem For Methuselah’
Part : 1/1
Characters : Doctor Robert Hartley
Rating : PG
Summary : Did you ever notice how there are on-the-job things that just don't come up in training? Sometimes, even the crew of the Enterprise needs to find a New Hart.
Therapy for Methuselah
by Rob Morris
THE CHICAGO OFFICES OF DOCTOR ROBERT HARTLEY
"Okay, Carol, put him through.... Cap-Captain Kirk? Yes. Okay, Yeah... I can barely hear
you... You're on the other side of the Galaxy... Well, that would tend to make reception a bit
dicey... How--How Can I help you?... Rigellian Fever? Well, I'm not an MD.... Oh, you have the
cure... Then why are you... You Can't Get The Cure... Kind Of Puts You Back At Square One, then... Mmmhmm. 6000 years old, you say? Been-been around the block, then. Probably built the block, too... Mister..Mister Flint?.... Well, I can see you being protective of Rayna, but we all have to let go sometime... But Not You, I see... Did You Write That Piece? I always liked it... You Painted.... Well, well--why was she smiling?...Gas? Oh, oh, that's a joke... What did you do in the 20th Century?.... Is That So?.... Then was 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' a reference to... Mister Spock... No, chit-chat is not logical, I agree... Yes, we humans do tend to go on and on.. Sure... Well, Spock, sounds to me like T'Pring just wasn't the girl for you.... Your Mother embarrassed you? Don't-don't even get me started, there... Ok... Well, call him Captain, mostly, and Jim in private, then... Doctor McCoy?... Boy, could you do something about this reception?... Yes, I realize you're not a Communications Officer... So, the girl in question is an android... being torn apart by emotions... Spock says that-that the pain of love destroyed her.... Have you tried waking her up?... She's-she's not sleeping... Captain Kirk? Yes. You should just forget all about her... Forget.... Yes, Mister Spock, I realize that you can probably help him forget better than me... Oh, she WAS sleeping... ( Covers phone ) Heh. Guess who was wrong, 'Bones'... ( Goes back ) Rayna? Yes, this is Doctor Hartley.... Well, if you want to go to college before making a choice, I say that's a pretty good idea...Okay!... Captain?.... Old girlfriend problems? Well, if she tries to take over your body, then she's not really your friend, now is she?...Ok. Take Care...Bye."
( Phone rings again )
"Yes? Mmmhmmm. You're Captain Kirk's nephew? Hmmm. Big, big dragon. Prophecy fulfilled–yeah, they do tend to do that. Three Heads? Welll, at least he always has someone to talk to...Peter?....Hello?"
(Bob looks at the phone)
“Kid must be writing fanfic.”
NEXT WEEK :
“I understand, Mister Worf. Bu-But is it a good day for an appointment? Wednesday? Oh, duel to the–to the death. Wednesday allowing, how about Friday? 10AM. N-No. Don’t-don’t bring Data–or Deanna. Why? Because in here, I’M THE SHRINK. Uhh–Data? Hi. No, I wasn’t - I wasn’t sighing. I see. Well, while Sigmund often has some decent insights, I think more–more modern professionals could really be more–modern.”
(Carol’s voice over the intercom)
“Bob, your Trill group is here.”
“Okay, Carol. But tell them, as of next week–I’m charging by the lifetime.”
PRODUCED BY THE BUTTON DOWN MIND OF BOB MORRIS
Author : ‘Goji’ Rob Morris
Series : TOS
Type : Remix of ‘Requiem For Methuselah’
Part : 1/1
Characters : Doctor Robert Hartley
Rating : PG
Summary : Did you ever notice how there are on-the-job things that just don't come up in training? Sometimes, even the crew of the Enterprise needs to find a New Hart.
Therapy for Methuselah
by Rob Morris
THE CHICAGO OFFICES OF DOCTOR ROBERT HARTLEY
"Okay, Carol, put him through.... Cap-Captain Kirk? Yes. Okay, Yeah... I can barely hear
you... You're on the other side of the Galaxy... Well, that would tend to make reception a bit
dicey... How--How Can I help you?... Rigellian Fever? Well, I'm not an MD.... Oh, you have the
cure... Then why are you... You Can't Get The Cure... Kind Of Puts You Back At Square One, then... Mmmhmm. 6000 years old, you say? Been-been around the block, then. Probably built the block, too... Mister..Mister Flint?.... Well, I can see you being protective of Rayna, but we all have to let go sometime... But Not You, I see... Did You Write That Piece? I always liked it... You Painted.... Well, well--why was she smiling?...Gas? Oh, oh, that's a joke... What did you do in the 20th Century?.... Is That So?.... Then was 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' a reference to... Mister Spock... No, chit-chat is not logical, I agree... Yes, we humans do tend to go on and on.. Sure... Well, Spock, sounds to me like T'Pring just wasn't the girl for you.... Your Mother embarrassed you? Don't-don't even get me started, there... Ok... Well, call him Captain, mostly, and Jim in private, then... Doctor McCoy?... Boy, could you do something about this reception?... Yes, I realize you're not a Communications Officer... So, the girl in question is an android... being torn apart by emotions... Spock says that-that the pain of love destroyed her.... Have you tried waking her up?... She's-she's not sleeping... Captain Kirk? Yes. You should just forget all about her... Forget.... Yes, Mister Spock, I realize that you can probably help him forget better than me... Oh, she WAS sleeping... ( Covers phone ) Heh. Guess who was wrong, 'Bones'... ( Goes back ) Rayna? Yes, this is Doctor Hartley.... Well, if you want to go to college before making a choice, I say that's a pretty good idea...Okay!... Captain?.... Old girlfriend problems? Well, if she tries to take over your body, then she's not really your friend, now is she?...Ok. Take Care...Bye."
( Phone rings again )
"Yes? Mmmhmmm. You're Captain Kirk's nephew? Hmmm. Big, big dragon. Prophecy fulfilled–yeah, they do tend to do that. Three Heads? Welll, at least he always has someone to talk to...Peter?....Hello?"
(Bob looks at the phone)
“Kid must be writing fanfic.”
NEXT WEEK :
“I understand, Mister Worf. Bu-But is it a good day for an appointment? Wednesday? Oh, duel to the–to the death. Wednesday allowing, how about Friday? 10AM. N-No. Don’t-don’t bring Data–or Deanna. Why? Because in here, I’M THE SHRINK. Uhh–Data? Hi. No, I wasn’t - I wasn’t sighing. I see. Well, while Sigmund often has some decent insights, I think more–more modern professionals could really be more–modern.”
(Carol’s voice over the intercom)
“Bob, your Trill group is here.”
“Okay, Carol. But tell them, as of next week–I’m charging by the lifetime.”
PRODUCED BY THE BUTTON DOWN MIND OF BOB MORRIS
