ST episode Remix Thread, all series, G to PG13

[Gojirob]

Title : Devil’s Doo

Author : Rob Morris

Type : A Remix of the ST :TNG Episode 'Devil's Due'

Rating : G

Summary: Ron Rentax Rwo, Raptain Rirard rust rendure the relp rof rome reddling rids rand reir rosey rog

Devil's Doo
by Rob Morris

VENTAX TWO

Ardra stood in triumph.

"You have failed, Picard! Now the people of Ventax Two all belong to me--forever!"

'Judge' Data reluctantly agreed.

"I am afraid it is true, Sir. You have largely failed to prove that Ardra is not...Ardra."

Picard nodded.

"Nor it seems, can I hope to do so. This mystery is not to be solved by us."

But then, a voice was heard.

"Like, maybe we can help, Captain!"

Picard looked, and saw four teenaged humans. One a well-kempt blonde male, another male--looking rather shabby--a redhead that might have passed for a younger Beverly, and a bookish girl who seemed to exude knowledge. With them was a Great Dane.

"Who are you--and how did you get here?"

The bookish girl answered.

"Time for that later, Captain. Now, watch what happens when we send a slight gravity wave into the atmosphere---"

The Enterprise was unaffected, but a smaller ship was exposed. The blonde male continued.

"That ship was sending Ardra here a holographic wave, enabling her to change things and people, at least seemingly."

Picard shrugged.

"Mister Worf, please escort these people out."

The young redhead sprayed some mist, and red beams appeared.

"Unless you have on special lenses like Ardra, or use a powder like this, you wouldn't know where to step to activate her so-called powers."

"That's quite enough---Doctor Crusher, sedate them if you have to."

The unkempt male with a goatee pointed at Ardra.

"Like, that's not all. We found out that this lady-thief upset the REAL Ardra, who's gonna come to get her!"

Ardra laughed.

"Don't be idiotic....say, what's..."

A solid image of Ardra appeared next to her, twice as big and quite fearsome.

"Yoooouuuu...must paaaaayyyy for awakening meeeee!!!!"

Ardra began to run.

"It---It is the real Ardra! Picard, protect me!"

But as she ran, the four teenagers trapped her in a net, where she was unmasked, once and for all. The Head of The Ventaxian Council shook his head.

"Why, this Ardra was our own finance minister all along!"

The bookish girl nodded.

"Right. She had been embezzling from state funds. She used this Ardra deal to try and scare the devil out of everyone."

Picard was waving his arms.

"Heee--lloo!! Isn't anyone listening to me? Get these people out of here---Make It So!"

Data looked over.

"But, the other Ardra has yet to fade away. Therefore, it is no mere hologram. I shall remove its mask."

As he did that, a giant tongue came out and licked Data. It was the Great Dane.

"Rooby-Rooby-Roooo!!"

Data tilted his head.

"Fascinating. I believe I can discern the dog's language, sir."

Picard held his hand to his head.

"Oh--why me?"

Data began.

"Rot ris rour resigration, Ranine?"

"Re? RI'm Roooby-Roo."

"Rascinating. Row ris rit rou rearned roo reak? Rost rogs rannot ralk, rou row."

"RI Ruess RI'm rust rucky."

While Data continued learning this new language, Worf took Ardra away.

"Your plan is in ruins, woman."

"But it would have succeeded, if it weren't for those meddling kids and their nosy dog!"

Packing into The Mystery Shuttle, the teenagers prepared to leave. Picard tried to be civil.

"Well---I---hope--we see each other soon."

The blonde male nodded.

"Oh, you will, Sir. See, we're going to follow you around The Galaxy, solving mysteries. See ya soon!"

"Roodrye, Rata!"

"Rarerell roo ru ras rell, Rooby. Re rill rave ruch ru riscuss."

Picard was fuming.

"Oh, so they think they're to follow us? Mister LaForge, set course for Earth. If we're to be beset by know-it-all problem solvers, then we must needs fight fire with fire."

Riker shuddered.

"Captain, surely you don't mean..."

"Simple logic, Number One. For a Betazoid problem, I'd ask Counselor Troi for her help. As I have Mister Worf's on Q'onos, and Mister Data's regarding Lore. But these are annoying, ingenious teenagers. So we play our ace in the hole!"

STARFLEET ACADEMY

Wesley stared at the orders, uncomprehending.

"I'm GRADUATING? But I've only been here three months."

And Wesley's help did in fact prove invaluable, as his suggestions to beam Velma's glasses away, and to make Scooby Snacks inert slowed the Mystery Clubbers to a snail's pace. But the battle was long, and involved a lot of villains in cheesy masks.

NEXT WEEK ON THE NEW SCOOBY-DOO MOVIES : QUANTUM LEAP!

 

[Mistral]

Snicker
Snort
Chuckle

 

[Gojirob]

Title : A Private Little Feud

Author : Rob Morris

Type : ST: TOS Remix

TOS Episode Remixed: A Private Little War

Rating : G

Summary : Come and listen to my story bout' a man named Jim....

A Private Little Feud
by Rob Morris

(We see Kirk, Spock and McCoy beaming down)

Kirk: I stayed on this world as a young ensign. I became a part of the tribe that runs it.

McCoy: Imagine. That poor mountaineer finding vast dilithium stores on his property while shooting at a rabbit! What are the odds?

Spock: By the way, Captain. Areel Shaw and Sam Cogley called you. It seems that they have moved to a small rural area.

Kirk: Let's not go there, Spock.

Spock: But I have heard that it is the place to be.

McCoy: There's the---Jim, that's a mansion! I thought you said they lived rustically.

Kirk: Wait'll we get inside...you'll see.

(A furtive figure then jumps Jim--they wrestle until he emerges the victor)

Elly May: Why, if it ain't Cousin Jim! You allus wuz the only one who could whup me.

(Elly May looks at Spock)

Elly May: Now how does a feller like you go about to whuppin someone?

Spock: Were I to attempt such an endeavor, Miss Clampett, I would bypass fisticuffs and make use of what some call The Vulcan Nerve Pinch.

(Spock demonstrates; But Elly May does not faint)

Elly May: Well, that sure is a nerve, a-grabbin at somebody's neck like that. Most folks'd be so offended, they'd leave ya be entirely!

(Spock stares at his hand, just wondering)

(Jethro waves and comes by; He is jumped by The Mugato)

Kirk: Jethro, don't move! I'll....

(Jethro simply punches The Mugato, who recoils)

Jethro: Hiya, Cousin Jim! Elly May--I abide your critters. But that one just keeps a jumpin me.

Elly May: (Grabs Mugato by the horn) Now look here, Mugie! Jethro here may be as dumb as an outhouse seat--but I warned ya bout jumpin folks. It ain't hardly proper. Now you go and clean the Cee-ment Sea! Git!

(Mugato grabs pool bug-net; Looks very afraid as it grunts and walks away)

Jethro: Cousin Jim--ya want I should tell my Uncle y'all are here?

Kirk: Yes, Jethro. If you would.

(Jethro puts his hand by the side of his mouth)

Jeth: Hey, Uncle Jed....

(Elly May punches him in arm)

Elly May: That ain't the way you do it!

(Whistles with two fingers; Yells at top of lungs)

Elly May: PA!!! COUSIN JIM AND TWO OF HIS FRIENDS IS HERE!!!

(Spock rubs at one ear)

(From inside emerges Jed Clampett; He's also rubbing his ear)

Jed: Elly May--I was just right inside the door!

Elly May: (Clueless) Ya wuz after I hollered for ya, Pa.

Jed: Jim--you are a sight. Wellll-Doggy! A Starship Captain. Can I ask ya somethin'?

Kirk: Of course, Jed.

Jed: Now--just what is it a starship Captain does?

Kirk: (Surprised) Errr-me an my crew go out among the stars. We explore the secrets of those uncounted stars.

Jed: Ya mean y'all ain't even bothered to count em' all? Jim, that ain't hardly like you. You used to be such a hard workin' man.

Spock: Mister Clampett, there are over 100 billion stars in our galaxy alone.

Jed: See? Now yer friend here, he already went and started countin. I'm right disappointed in you, Jim.

(McCoy thinks of his own rural upbringing)

McCoy: Mister Clampett, its not Jim's fault. He's suffering from--errrr-- Romulan Rheumatism. Isn't that right, Spock?

Spock: Indeed. He had meant to get---ta countin.

Jed: Well, why din't ya tell me? Now, Jim--you know we got a cure round these parts for all types of Rheumatism.

(They all follow Jed inside the house; Through to the kitchen)

Kirk: Jed--we're really here to talk about purchasing your dilithium for the Federation.

Jed: Well, Jim---I'm afraid you're gonna haveta compete with those Klingon fellas. They showed up first, so's they have first say.

(In the kitchen with Granny are Kang, Kor, and Koloth)

Kang: You will never have this planet, Kirk! The Empire will....

(Granny pushes Kang down into his chair)

Granny: Now you be peaceable and eat your meal!

(Kang looks at his plate)

Kang: What....is this?

(Granny nods and smiles)

Granny: A local specialty---Serpent Worms!

(Kang covers his mouth)

Kang: Gag!

Granny: Now that's a right good name fer it--Gagh!

(Not wishing to offend, the other two Klingons grin and eat their meals)

Koloth: A--a warrior's best meal!

Kor: Too bad we can't introduce some back in The Empire.

(Granny smiles)

Granny: I thought you might feel that way. So's I made plenty more. Enough to feed all of Q'onos!

(The Klingons roll their eyes; Kirk points)

Kirk: Jed--the Klingons are fiends. They ravage local environments. That swamp two miles away? They'll drain it and destroy its ecosystem!

Jed: Well, Howdy! That's right friendly of em'.

Jethro: That durned swamp is chock full of gators and skeeters!

Koloth: Mister Clampett---these weaklings will try to collect your rifles and take them away from you!

Jed: (Goes to the closet where thousands of rifles lay) Jim, if you do that, I'd be a grateful man. I got too durned many of these things.

Elly: Not ta mention the ones I got in my room. Pa, if Cousin Jim'll do that, I say we go with him.

Jed: Okay, then. Oh, Granny--Jim here has got hissself a touch of the rheumatis. You got some moonshine, help clear that up?

(McCoy thinks quickly)

McCoy: No-no! He HAD rheumatism. I cured it. Just before we beamed down.

Jim: (Smiles) Besides, that moonshine--is strong stuff. I'll pass, folks.

Granny: Hmmmm. A McCoy who's a Doctor, eh? Must come in handy, what with your kin a-goin at The Hatfields all the time!

McCoy: Well, Ma'am--I'm not one of those McCoys. My family was originally from a place called Bugtussle.

(Granny gets enraged)

Granny: Jed! Its one of them local McCoys! Fetch the shotgun!

(Except for the Klingons, they all run out, trying to restrain Granny as she chases McCoy)

Kang: So--Kirk fears this moonshine.

Kor: Well, I don't. Humans are so soft.

Koloth: This setback aside, let us toast the victory of the Klingon Empire!

(They drink; Then fall to the ground, screaming)

Kang: What--what's happened to us?

Kor: We're--we're freaks!

(Now, instead of TOS Klingons, they look like Movie/TNG Klingons)

Koloth: How can we go home like this?

Kor: Wait---what if we mix this moonshine into our homeworld's water supply?

Kang: We won't be freaks if everyone looks like this!

Koloth: If anyone asks--we'll just say we don't discuss it with outsiders!

Kang: Bring those serpent-worms! We'll sneak the moonshine in while everyone's gagging on them!

Kor: Yes. No way true Klingons would like these things.

(They leave)

(Outside--Granny has calmed down)

Granny: Lenny--ya shoulda told me ya wuz a McCoy from East Bugtussle. Its them West Bugtusslers ya hafta keep an eye on.

McCoy: Well, everyone knows that, Mrs. Moses. Do you have any collard greens?

Granny: Lemme check. Jethro! You eat lunch yet?

Jethro: No, Granny.

(Turns back to McCoy)

Granny: We got some, then.

Jed: Well, I guess we better get ridda all them Klingon phasers. Dangerous things. Doesn't leave hide nor hair left o' what you're huntin!

Jethro: Oh, don't you worry none, Uncle Jed. I made them phasers too heavy to carry around.

Spock: Jethro--how precisely did you accomplish this?

Jethro: Easy. They's a button on them, that makes them a load. So's I set em
to overload!

(The Drysdales house next door goes sky-high as they all stare)

Jed : Jim?

Jed: Yes, Jed?

Jed: Someday---I gotta have a loooong talk with that boy!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

(On The Bridge, the TOS Seven emerge from the lift and begin waving)

Well, Now Its Time To Say Goodbye To Jim And All His Crew; And They Would Like To Thank You Folks For Kindly Passin' Through; You're All Invited Back Next Week To The Enterprise Right Here; To Explore Strange New Worlds Out In The Space Frontier; Final That Is; Seek Out New Civilizations; Y'All Come Back Now--Ya Hear?

Coming Soon - Deep Space Petticoat Junction and Green Acres: The Next Generation--and on Thursday -- Get Janeway!

 

[Gojirob]

Title : The Buzz About Town

Author : Rob Morris

Series : ST:TOS

Rating : PG

Type : Episode Remix of 'A Piece Of The Action',

Summary : As if Bela Oxmyx and his boys weren’t enough, yet another party has 'put the bag on Koik'. Ah, but is this individual only pretending to be an Iotian Mobster? And why is his assistant so cool?


The Buzz About Town
by Rob Morris

The masked individual released an angry James T. Kirk, while his companion, all in black, released Spock from a special hold that felt like it could shatter neutronium.

"Just sit tight, Captain, and you won't be harmed. I promise."

The masked mobster's second turned to Spock, and spoke very matter-of-factly.

"You are quite powerful, Mister Spock. But some of these holds I use predate your philosopher, Surak. I know many others, besides the one I used."

In an glimpse that required no words, Spock and Kirk confirmed to each other that these particular Iotians were not quite as grammar-challenged as Oxmyx, et al.

"Very well, but if we're not to be harmed, then-why are we here? We're not providing you with Federation weaponry anymore than Oxmyx."

The man smiled.

"I don't want your weaponry, Captain. The fact is, as you've seen, Sigma Iotia Two has more than enough weaponry - thanks to my stupidity."

Spock looked at the seated masked mobster, called a 'Loose Cannon' by Oxmyx and the others.

"Sir, the state of this world is not your fault. If anyone is at fault, it is the crew of the Horizon, 100 years ago, and they could not know your culture's imitative nature."

Spock's confident captor looked at him.

"Ah, but what if we were from The Horizon, Spock? I am First Officer Ikano, and this is my Captain, Britt Reid. We ejected in cryo-stasis tubes when the Horizon was lost."

The man known as Britt Reid unmasked with his friend, and continued.

"We awoke to find the damage we had inadvertently done, and resolved to keep it from destroying this society. We found that the factions had no independent newspaper, so we filled that hole. That-- and another one.

Kirk nodded.

"I recognized the uniform, Captain Reid, but thought it just another example of cultural contamination."

"Not at all, Captain. This uniform--and the one worn by my XO have been in our families for several generations. Its an old trick—we pretend to be players within the mob wars, but actually work against it all."

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Fascinating. Jim, it is the cultural equivalent of 'fighting fire with fire'."

"Indeed, Spock. Captain Reid and Mister Ikano direct the others' efforts without having to lift a finger. We'll take you both with us, of course, as soon as we can contact the Enterprise."

"Thank you, Captain. But this society needs a cauterizing event to stanch the blood we unintentionally drew. That's where you two come in."

Later, newspaper publisher Reid and his city editor sat, and waited. They didn't need to wait long. Bela Oxymyx and a few of the other leaders burst in, armed and accompanied by their 'boys'. Bela held a gun to Reid's throat.

"Awright, Mister Fancy-Dan Publisher! I know now. You're the loose cannon, the independent player. Well, jerk, I'm sending you on to Cloud 9!"

Despite being completely surrounded, Reid and Ikano remained completely calm. Then, through the right and left windows smashed two masked, dashing figures. One in green--James T. Kirk. One in black, his ears hidden, Mister Spock. Outside, some Enterprise phaser fire on heavy stun took out the gunsels who lay in wait. Between the four of them, Reid, Ikano---under the guise of self-defense-and the masked, costumed, voice-disguised Enterprise Officers took out everyone inside. Kirk picked up Oxmyx, and threw him against the wall.

"Very unwise, Bela. Thinking I was a printer-boy? Now, as you can see, I've made my own deal with Kirk. Just like you're going to make your own deal with me."

"Awright, ya got me. Just name the deal."

"You'll like it, Bela. I stay in the shadows-and you run everything."

Back aboard the Enterprise, there was good news. Kirk turned to Reid.

"No charges for either you or Mr. Ikano, Captain. Different time, different rules. Plus, your efforts to reunite that society has Starfleet asking if you're interested in re-training, maybe even a new ship. What do you say, gentlemen?"

Reid scratched his head. He looked at his friend and First Officer.

"What do you think?"

"I think, Mister Britt Reid, that this sounds very much like another challenge for the Green Hornet."

"Well said, Mister Ikano Kato."

 

[Mistral]

Liked the Beverly Hillbillies-you captured that flavor of complete idiocy perfectly. Never a fan of the Hornet, although I got it.

 

[Gojirob]

Title : So Who Mourned?

Author : Rob Morris

Type : A Remix of the ST :TOS Episode 'Who Mourns For Adonis?’'

Rating : PG

Summary: What happens when Kirk and company face down the arrogant Apollo, only to have another member of Apollo’s family stop by?


So Who Mourned?
by Rob Morris

James T. Kirk stood his ground.

"We no longer have need of so-called gods. Those of us that do find the One more than sufficient."

To the being called Apollo, Kirk was engaging in hubris at best, blasphemy at worst. Either way, he would be punished.

"Your ancestors kneeled before us and offered prayer, and sacrifices. On occasion, though, they, too, needed to be reminded of the power of The Gods Of Olympus! As I remind you now, Captain."

To Kirk's shock, lightning issued forth from the being's hand, too quick for him to dodge. Whether it would have done him any harm was quickly rendered moot, though.

Between Kirk and the lightning bolt appeared a man. He was tall, muscular-looking, with hair that was somewhat long. He wore an open-chested yellow tunic and pants that appeared to be made out of cured animal skins. He teleported in just as the bolt struck. It merely bounced off of his chest. Apollo was stunned to see the newcomer, who then waved his finger in a shaming motion.

"C'mon, Apollo! Aren't you a little old for this nonsense?"

"Don't interfere, Brother! These mortals need to be taught respect."

The newcomer chuckled lightly.

"By who? A Posturing 3000 year old bully? You've never changed. Even Ares has mellowed out--but not you, Apollo."

Kirk and company were alternately amused and terrified by this bizarre family exchange. For the moment, they stood and listened, but Kirk felt the newcomer was the one to root for, in all this.

"Zeus should never have raised you to full godhood, Hercules. Great was his folly."

Apollo's voice switched from strident to petulant without missing a beat.

"Because you never know how to have any fun!"

Apollo's fist smashed out, hitting one of his temple's columns, smashing it. He looked up and heard a creaking sound. Kirk worked hard to keep from laughing.

"Apollo?"

"Yes, Hercules?"

"That was a support column, wasn't it?"

"Yes, brother, I believe it was. Aagggh!!!"

Apollo was buried beneath his own temple, a really dumb look on his face it came down. Kirk turned to Hercules.

"God or no god-That Had To Hurt."

"Maybe it'll teach him a lesson, though I kinda doubt it. Captain Kirk, on behalf of almost my entire family, I apologize for the God Of Light-headedness. Some of us just never got over being worshiped. You and your ship are free to go now, of course. Sorry about all this."

Kirk shook Hercules' hand, noting that the man must be able to use his great strength with precision, despite his powerful handshake.

"No need to apologize. While not on a cosmic scale, for some of the pranks my late brother Sam pulled on me, I should have gotten a house dumped on him."

"Iphicles and I were the same way, and I still miss him just as much as you apparently miss Sam---I--hey!"

Standing behind Hercules was an admiring Lieutenant Carolyn Palamas, who had just grabbed his rear. While she smiled dreamily, Kirk took note to lecture ALL his younger officers on dealings with potent aliens like Apollo. Hercules was embarrassed.

"Um, Lieutenant? I really wish you wouldn't do that."

"Sorry, Hercules. But I had to investigate your race just a bit more closely. I hope you don't mind."

There wasn't a bit of remorse in her words.

"I--don't mind--so much, but the problem is...."

Down from the clouds came a gleaming, ornate metal ringlet, perfectly circular, and perfectly balanced. It sharply bounced off of each and every single thing it could, then seemed to hover in front of Lieutanant Palamas. It traveled the entire length of her, somehow never actually touching her body. As Chekov's jaw dropped, and he was seen by all to be gasping for air, Carolyn realized her tunic had been completely destroyed. As she made a mad dash for the hedges, she said one thing."

"I--have got to start wearing undergarments!"

Whatever his reputation, Kirk was less interested in Palamas' state of dress than in the ringlet, which he now saw return to the clouds whence it came.

"Hercules---that weapon?"

Hercules nodded.

"Its called a chakram. The wife---gets REALLY jealous."

Hercules saw Kirk still staring at the clouds, and reasoned quickly what--or who he was smiling about.

"Captain Kirk?"

"Yes, Hercules?"

"I get jealous, too."

And so Kirk stopped staring.

 

[Gojirob]

Title : You Are Saiyenly Invited...

Author : Rob Morris

Type : A Remix of the ST : DS9 Episode 'You Are Cordially Invited’', with ‘The Warriors Prepare’ cycle from Dragonball Z

Rating : PG

Summary: Goku pulls out all the stops to get old friend Bulma and old enemy Vegeta to the altar. And Sisko thought he had it bad with Worf and Dax?



You Are Saiyenly Invited
by Rob Morris



(We see Goku talking to a dumbstruck Chi-Chi, his wife)

Chi-Chi: Married?! Those two are getting married? Goku, don't get me wrong. I certainly think it’s a responsible thing for them to do, with a baby on the way. But Vegeta and Bulma are just SUCH a mismatch. The marriage probably won't last a year.

Goku: Oh, that's good. Because its not really supposed to.

Chi-Chi: What?

Goku: Ya see, honey....they don't want to be married, they just want to get married, so their son will be legally recognized as heir to the throne of Saiyajins. Plus, its just respectable. But after he's born, they plan to get a quickie divorce. So its like..

(Chi-Chi faints, dead away)

Goku: Gee. Some people just handle weddings differently than others.

-----------------------------------------------

(Vegeta looks disdainfully at his tuxedo)

Vegeta: I am a warrior born! I will not be seen in this monkey suit!

(Destroys Tux with a power blast; smiles)

Vegeta: There. Who needs alterations?

Bulma: Vegeta!!!!! That tux cost money! Can't you be even a little considerate?

Vegeta: I still don't see why we need all this pomp and legal finery. Why don't we simply declare ourselves married? Its how it was done on my homeworld!

Bulma: Oh yeah right. Your homeworld is space dust, thanks to Frieza. You live on Earth, now, and you'll do this the Earth way!

Vegeta: Woman---eehehehheeh----NO ONE LIVING SPEAKS THAT WAY TO THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIYENS!!!

BULMA: THEN CALL ME NOBODY!!!

VEGETA: IF YOU WEREN'T CARRYING MY HEIR--I'D SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO THE NEXT DIMENSION!!!

Bulma: Oh, The Next Dimension. You're always going on about the next dimension. You sound like a parrot. Can't you just come out and say that you're going to kill someone?

Vegeta: But...there really is a next dimension.

Bulma: Sure. Goku and Yamcha went there.

Vegeta: Yes---but for true Saiyens, it is different. A great grim mountain of eternal warfare!

Bulma: Ooh, Ick. Count me out. Surrounded for eternity by a bunch of grunting, smelly Saiyens?

Vegeta: YOU should do so well.

--------------------------------------------------

(We see Kirillin, Yamcha and Tien hanging by their thumbs over a lava pit where the gravity is 50 times Earth's normal)

Yamcha: Next---uggh---time--we don't let Vegeta plan his own- -AAAGGHH- --bachelor party.

Tien: No wonder Goku came to Earth as a baby. He and Chi-Chi had cake and shark-steaks at their pre-wedding parties. Oh, man. I can't last.

Kirillin: C'mon, guys! We gotta focus past ourselves. Focus on something that we all want. Like world peace, or an end to tyrants like Frieza's family. Let's all think of what we truly want.

(They close their eyes, and begin to chant after a few minutes' thought)

Kirillin: Killllll Vegitaaaaa....

Tien: Kill......Vegeta...

Yamcha: KILLLLLL VEGITAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

(Their faces distend from the screaming)

-----------------------------------------------

(Gohan nervously approaches Goku)

Gohan: Uh, Dad? I've got bad news. Promise not to lose control?

Goku: Gohan, I'm not like your mother. You can tell me anything.

Gohan: Well, yeah. But....promise me you won't lose control?

Goku: Hey, your old dad is always in control. Its people like Vegeta and Bulma that are never in control.

Gohan: Um, the news is kind of about those two, Dad. See--they kind of cancelled the wedding.

(Goku stands motionless and expressionless for about a minute)

(We then pan back and see a mushroom cloud explode up from Goku's position. He yells, and The Earth shakes.)

Goku: THOSE IDIOTS!!!!!

(Briefly, we see a napping Piccolo awaken, shrug, and go back to sleep)

(Back at the scene, we see a stunned, lightly bruised, thrown-off Gohan get back up as his Dad flies off)

Gohan: I'm glad he didn't lose control.

---------------------------------------------------

(Goku yells full in Vegeta's face, causing Vegeta's eardrums to almost burst)

Goku: NOW HEAR THIS!!! AFTER EVERYTHING EVERYONE'S DONE FOR YOU, YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!

(As Vegeta writhes in audio agony, Goku punches Bulma in the nose)

Goku: As for you--be more tolerant. This is a mixed wedding, remember?

(As she falls back, injured but not fatally, and Vegeta continues to grab his ears, Goku scratches his head)

Goku: Waitaminute. I think that I was supposed to yell at Bulma, and punch out Vegeta. Well, as long as I can take them to the wedding, who cares?

(At the wedding, the bride's nose has been set, and the groom's ears have thickly-padded muffs on them. Both glare at a clueless Goku, who waves and smiles back.)

Kami: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.

Bulma: (Nasally) Neu wahay!

Vegeta: What? I may now list the tides? What sort of nonsense is this?

(Behind him, a wildly grinning Tien, Yamcha, and Kirillin build up power blasts with which to attack the unhearing groom)

Tien: KamMe—

Yamcha: ---HaMe—

Kirillin: (All release energies) HAAAA!!!!

------------------------------------------------

SIX MONTHS LATER......

Chi-Chi: Signal it again! The baby is almost here!

(Kirillin, still grinning, gives the signal. Vegeta winces from the noise)

Vegeta: WILL YOU PLEASE stop hitting that blasted GONG!!!

(In the background, Sisko, now a Prophet, views all this with his mother)

Sisko: And I'm supposed to learn precisely what from these alternate worlds?

(Sarah-Prophet just shrugs)

 

[Mistral]

I really liked the Hercules-not so sure about the other one, it's not something I'm familiar with...

 

[Gojirob]

Title : Just One More Random Thought...

Author : Rob Morris

Type : Remix of the ST:Voyager episode ‘Random Thoughts’

Rating : PG

Summary : The Mari wish to punish Belanna for her thoughts; But the obnoxious man in the trenchcoat has other ideas.

Just One More Random Thought...
by Rob Morris

The Mari Officer seemed unimpressed with Tuvok's theory.

"Over and over, Mister Tuvok, you have said that this woman's violent thoughts were somehow taken from her. But that black market you speak of could have developed afterwards."

Tuvok gave up.

"Your analysis lacks all reason. You have come to a conclusion, and have decided to eschew evidence that contradicts that conclusion. Perhaps the regional constable will be more logical. Your name, sir?"

The man looked up.

"Oh, me? I'm--just--nobody. Welll, not nobody. Uh, listen, Mind Peace Officer, did the nice old lady in question ever bump into Ms. Torres?"

"No, Detective Pefalkolmbo. But it obviously spread through the ether."

"Ohhh, Ok. The ether. Geez, what are the odds of that? Officer--What Are The Odds Of That?"

"It is possible."

"What a stupe I am. Mister Paris, aren't I a stupe? Ma’am, I meant to ask you what the odds are, but I went and asked you whether or not that's possible. So, lemme reiterate : What are the odds of Ms. Torres transmitting her bad thought to someone she hadn't even touched nor seen?"

"It is a rare occurrence, I will concede."

Pefalkolmbo shook his head, and looked at Ensign Kim.

"Harry! Ya gotta help me out here. I'm missin' by a mile. If you understood my garbled question, wouldja be a pal and repeat it to Officer---"

"There are no known occurrences!"

The Detective stared at the officer with a confusion that, on the surface, seemed sincere.

"Ok. No known occurrences. But it has been proven that it could happen, right? By the way, that's a snappy new uniform you Planetary types are wearing nowadays--Very Dapper."

"It has been widely theorized it could happen exactly as I said."

Pefalkolmbo nodded his head.

"Alright, then. We've got a broad-based theory that backs up the state version of events. Sorry, Miss Torres-but I promise you it won't hurt much."

Pefalkolmbo turned to leave, then stopped, lifting his finger.

"Officer--officer, Just One More Thing. How many of the violent cases you've taken in have had Miss Torres' thought lodged in their cranium?"

The woman nodded with the authority she mistakenly felt she had regained.

"Over seventy-three, Detective."

Pefalkolmbo pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket.

"Excuse the condition of the article-I'm truly sorry. But hey--would you say this gentleman pictured here is our world's leading Theoretician on the Mental Arts?"

"Without question. He is never wrong. He knows the sentient mind, in all its permutations."

"In other words, he is the expert's expert. Is That A Fair Assessment?"

"Absolutely. He was my instructor, at the academy. Do you seek to disparage him?"

"ME? Noooo. This man knows his stuff, I think we all know that, now. But what interests me is this statement, and I'm quoting here : "An incalculably savage mind, thinking naught but evil thoughts, could, absent any contact, infect as many as---people, on a planetwide basis. Officer, I don't have my glasses. Would you read that number for me?"

Her voice broke.

"That number---is four."

"Four? Are you sure its four? Because that can't be. That's just not right. Miss Torres managed, through the ether, to infect almost twenty times the amount of people that our world's very best believes is possible. I mean, either he was wrong--or Mister Tuvok's crazy notion just might be a good one. Officer, I'm just a regional constable, doin' my job. What do you think should occur? Cause I'm not finding it here."

Fighting not to break her own laws, The Officer left the ship. Torres was free to go, and the underground markets exposed to the light of day. Pefalkolmbo went to leave. Janeway grinned, and grabbed the odd man. She kissed him.

"Just One More Thing, Sir."

"Yes, Captain? Very fine, well kept ship by the way. What's the one more thing?"

"Lets go to my quarters--and Detective?"

"Yes, Maam?"

"Call me Mrs. Pefalkolmbo. Then we'll see what spins off."

 

[Admiral2]

Title : Just One More Random Thought...

Author : Rob Morris

Type : Remix of the ST:Voyager episode ‘Random Thoughts’

Rating : PG

Summary : The Mari wish to punish Belanna for her thoughts; But the obnoxious man in the trenchcoat has other ideas.

Just One More Random Thought...
by Rob Morris

The Mari Officer seemed unimpressed with Tuvok's theory.

"Over and over, Mister Tuvok, you have said that this woman's violent thoughts were somehow taken from her. But that black market you speak of could have developed afterwards."

Tuvok gave up.

"Your analysis lacks all reason. You have come to a conclusion, and have decided to eschew evidence that contradicts that conclusion. Perhaps the regional constable will be more logical. Your name, sir?"

The man looked up.

"Oh, me? I'm--just--nobody. Welll, not nobody. Uh, listen, Mind Peace Officer, did the nice old lady in question ever bump into Ms. Torres?"

"No, Detective Pefalkolmbo. But it obviously spread through the ether."

"Ohhh, Ok. The ether. Geez, what are the odds of that? Officer--What Are The Odds Of That?"

"It is possible."

"What a stupe I am. Mister Paris, aren't I a stupe? Ma’am, I meant to ask you what the odds are, but I went and asked you whether or not that's possible. So, lemme reiterate : What are the odds of Ms. Torres transmitting her bad thought to someone she hadn't even touched nor seen?"

"It is a rare occurrence, I will concede."

Pefalkolmbo shook his head, and looked at Ensign Kim.

"Harry! Ya gotta help me out here. I'm missin' by a mile. If you understood my garbled question, wouldja be a pal and repeat it to Officer---"

"There are no known occurrences!"

The Detective stared at the officer with a confusion that, on the surface, seemed sincere.

"Ok. No known occurrences. But it has been proven that it could happen, right? By the way, that's a snappy new uniform you Planetary types are wearing nowadays--Very Dapper."

"It has been widely theorized it could happen exactly as I said."

Pefalkolmbo nodded his head.

"Alright, then. We've got a broad-based theory that backs up the state version of events. Sorry, Miss Torres-but I promise you it won't hurt much."

Pefalkolmbo turned to leave, then stopped, lifting his finger.

"Officer--officer, Just One More Thing. How many of the violent cases you've taken in have had Miss Torres' thought lodged in their cranium?"

The woman nodded with the authority she mistakenly felt she had regained.

"Over seventy-three, Detective."

Pefalkolmbo pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket.

"Excuse the condition of the article-I'm truly sorry. But hey--would you say this gentleman pictured here is our world's leading Theoretician on the Mental Arts?"

"Without question. He is never wrong. He knows the sentient mind, in all its permutations."

"In other words, he is the expert's expert. Is That A Fair Assessment?"

"Absolutely. He was my instructor, at the academy. Do you seek to disparage him?"

"ME? Noooo. This man knows his stuff, I think we all know that, now. But what interests me is this statement, and I'm quoting here : "An incalculably savage mind, thinking naught but evil thoughts, could, absent any contact, infect as many as---people, on a planetwide basis. Officer, I don't have my glasses. Would you read that number for me?"

Her voice broke.

"That number---is four."

"Four? Are you sure its four? Because that can't be. That's just not right. Miss Torres managed, through the ether, to infect almost twenty times the amount of people that our world's very best believes is possible. I mean, either he was wrong--or Mister Tuvok's crazy notion just might be a good one. Officer, I'm just a regional constable, doin' my job. What do you think should occur? Cause I'm not finding it here."

Fighting not to break her own laws, The Officer left the ship. Torres was free to go, and the underground markets exposed to the light of day. Pefalkolmbo went to leave. Janeway grinned, and grabbed the odd man. She kissed him.

"Just One More Thing, Sir."

"Yes, Captain? Very fine, well kept ship by the way. What's the one more thing?"

"Lets go to my quarters--and Detective?"

"Yes, Maam?"

"Call me Mrs. Pefalkolmbo. Then we'll see what spins off."

This one was good right up until the in-joke.

 

[Gojirob]

That's a rather big in-joke to avoid, don't you think? I mean, its where many knew her from before Voyager.

 

[Mistral]

I laughed out loud at the in joke. Leave it in!

 

[Gojirob]

Title : Would You Believe Little Girls Are Made Of?...

Author : Rob Morris

Type : A Remix of the ST :TOS Episode 'What Are Little Girls Made Of?’'

Rating : PG

Summary: Should you choose to read this, you will be facing blatant puns, dated humor, slapstick galore--AND--loving it!

Would You Believe Little Girls Are Made Of ...?
by Rob Morris

(We enter the office of The Chief in Control HQ; Sitting with him are agents Maxwell Smart and 99)

Chief: Your assignment is a critical one. We fear that the famed cyberneticist, Doctor Roger Korby, has either died or gone over to KAOS. You two need to find Doctor Korby and if necessary, neutralize him. Yes, Max?

Max: Chief, we'll do as ordered. But neutralize him? I frankly don't see what the Ph Balance of his shampoo has to do with his loyalty.

99: Max--the Chief means that we may have to kill Roger.

Max: Over his shampoo?! I mean, I'm as patriotic as the next man, 99, but I really don't see....

Chief: MAX! I'm not concerned about his shampoo.

Max: Chief, it takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. 99--that's why he's the Chief.

(Chief rubs his head)

Chief: 99--did you I hear you call Doctor Korby by his first name?

99: Yes, Chief. We two are kind of--engaged.

Max: Why, 99--you never told me about you being engaged to Doctor Roger Korby.

99: Max?

Max: Yes, 99?

99: I'm engaged to Doctor Roger Korby.

Max: Uh---yes. Chief, will we have secret orders, as well?

Chief: Yes, Max. They are as follows--

Max: uh-uh-uh! Chief, you know the rules and regulations.

Chief: Max--please--not--

Max: The Control Prime Directive clearly states that any and all top-secret orders must be given within The Cone Of Silence.

(Reluctantly, the Chief lowers it)

Chief:

Max:

99:

Chief:

Max:

(Max pulls off his shoe, shakes it like a communicator; Calls the Chief)

(Chief grabs his head again while phone rings)

Max: Gosh, 99--maybe the Chief isn't home.

(99 rolls her eyes while the two leave; Agent Larabee walks in)

Larabee: Chief, look at this map! Russian ships have just crossed The Neutral Zone!

(Chief shakes his head at sight)

Chief: Larabee--we don't HAVE a Neutral Zone.

Larabee: Then just what do you call this division on the map?

Chief: Me? I call it The International Date Line, Larabee. You know, the place where its Tuesday on one side, Wednesday on the other?

Larabee: Hey, I get it, Chief. Its a temporal anomaly!

(As he leaves, Chief begins to openly sob)

(Arriving on the island where Doctor Korby's lab is, Max opens a boiling lobster pot. Agent 13 looks out)

Agent 13: 86--when am I gonna get some real assignments? Last week, I was staking out an experimental warp core.

Max: Well, that doesn't sound so bad, 13.

13: From the inside?!

Max: I'll do what I can, 13. What have you got on Korby?

13: Well, he was incensed that KAOS developed Hymie before our boys did. Said he didn't care who he worked for, but he was gonna build androids that made Hymie look like a Tin Lizzie.

Max: Well that's just rude. Hymie's very sensitive about that kind of thing. And when he gets his neck out of joint--he really gets his neck out of joint!

13: 86, before you go, could you do me a favor?

Max: Of course, 13. Anything.

13: Would you purchase the 'Pick Your Own' Lobster meal, so I can go home?

(Below ground, Max and 99 meet up with Doctor Korby)

Korby: So good to see you again, my dear heart.

Max: Er, thanks. Charmed, I'm sure.

99: Max----

Max: Oh, he meant you--of course. Doctor--did you have a pet name for my fellow agent? Just curious.

Korby: Well, Mister Smart, I firmly believe that no human can ever achieve perfection. But my fiancée' comes closest to that unreachable ideal. She is almost 100% perfect---so I would call her----

Max: Yes?!

Korby: 99.

(Max grumbles a bit under his breath)

99: Roger, why did you lose contact with all of us? With me? We became worried.

(Korby points)

Korby: This is the reason, my dear--meet Andrea.

(Andrea emerges; Max walks over to Korby and speaks quietly)

Max: Not to nitpick, Doctor--but there must have been a better way to break off your engagement.

Korby: Not at all, Mister Smart. Andrea, remove your tunic.

Andrea: But my circuit board may be accessed without doing so.

Korby: Darn! And here I thought I programmed all those objections out.

99: Programmed? Roger, you mean she's an android?

Korby: And she's not the only one. Ruk, come here.

Ruk: Yes, master?

Korby: Escort my fiancée and Mister Smart to the duplication chamber.I've something to show them.

Max: Wait, Doctor. We sent in two other Control agents before us. Did you see or hear from them?

Korby: I'm afraid they didn't make it, Mister Smart. They fell to their deaths.

99: Roger, are you sure they were our agents? Were they wearing red shirts?

Korby: They were when we found them.

Max: 99, we better call in to The Chief, let him know we arrived.

Korby: I'm afraid I can't permit that, Mister Smart! Ruk--seize them!

(Max makes a fist)

Max: Okay, you mechanical ape----

(Punches Ruk--to no effect)

Max: Uh, Ruk? Look, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the mechanical ape...

(Max awakes later, bound to the duplicator)

Korby: Congratulations, Mister Smart. You're about to help me begin a new phase for humanity.

(The duplicator begins to spin, and Max goes flying out; Frowning, Korby turns to Ruk and Andrea)

Ruk: I will go and retrieve him.

Andrea: Next time, I will buckle him in.

(Korby shakes his head and looks at a horrified 99)

Korby: Its getting so you can't even *make* good help, nowadays!

(Max is strapped firmly into The Duplicator)

Korby: As this spins, Mister Smart, you may experience a little discomfort. But its in a good cause, I assure you.

Max: No need to worry, Doctor. I've been known to withstand the simulated centrifugal force of up to 14 G's. Wouldja believe it? 14G's!

Korby: Mister Smart, even my androids can't take that much.

Max: Wouldja believe--5 G's?

Korby: No, I find that hard to believe.

Max: Wouldja believe the Moon Coaster at Coney Island?

(Max sees a glob on the other side)

Korby: You're about to become Immortal, Mister Smart.

Max: Well, the spy business is a dirty job, Korby. We all of us end up doing some things that some might see as immortal.

Korby: Errrr...when this machine has done its work, the first step in my plan to remake this species will come into effect.

99: So, Roger. All of your grandiose talk was just a front for just another petty, vile scheme to take over the world!

Max: 99! I don't like what's going on here any better than you—but there's no need to get personal.

(The duplicator begins to spin)

Max: Chieff---lets just face it---I'M A LOUSY AGENNNNTTT!!!

(It stops; Max is released and gets out)

99: Oh, Max! I'm so glad you're all right.

Korby: My dear fiancée---it was never my intent to harm Mister Smart. Merely improve him. Now, how about a spot of dinner?

99: I am famished. How about you, Max?

A-Max: Sorry, 99--but androids don't eat-- unless its Pepperoni Pizza night, then maybe I'll make an exception.

(Real Max emerges)

Max: 99, how could you be fooled by that android?

99: But Max, he looks just like you.

(Max points to back of A-Max's jacket)

Max: But 99. My jacket doesn't say: Manufactured by Korby Industries.

(A-Max punches Max in the shoulder)

Max: Oww!

A-Max: I have over ten times your strength, my friend. Wouldja believe it? Ten times your strength.

Max: My shoulder doesn't hurt that badly.

A-Max: Oh--wouldja believe--three times your strength?

Max: No, I don't think so.

A-Max: Errr...Wouldja believe that I've been through a decent workout?

Korby: Smart-2 doesn't need any kind of super-abilities or your memories to do what I intend, Mister Smart.

99: Roger, don't tell me that you plan to send Smart-2 straight into the heart of Control HQ?

Korby: I plan to send Smart-2--straight into the heart of Control HQ!

Max: Hey, buddy--the lady asked you not to tell her that.

99: Roger--I'm afraid that I have no choice but to break off our engagement.

Korby: That's quite all right, my dear. I'll change your mind—by making a new you! Soon, I'll have you disrobe and enter the machine.

99: But Max didn't disrobe.

Korby: Boy, everybody's a stickler, nowadays!

Max: So--you *are* working for KAOS, Doctor.

Korby: Not at all, Mister Smart. We plan to do the same to Mister Siegfried--after we work out some bugs in the design.

99: What sort of bugs?

Korby: Well, we tried making a Siegfried android using just biographical data and a photo--but it didn't work.

Max: So what did you do with the reject?

Korby: Well, he's currently employed as a Ship's Doctor on a major cruise line.

(He leaves, and Ruk stands guard)

Max: Say, Ruk--how did Doctor Korby create you?

Ruk: He did not. I am a product of The Old Ones, an ancient civilization that once inhabited this island. But they had to be destroyed. They left us no choice.

99: Because they had become corrupt, and evil?

Ruk: No. They were just generally cranky and unpleasant to work for.

Max: Talk about a tough union!

(Max whispers to 99)

Max: I have a plan. I know a question that will cause Ruk's positronic brain to explode from overload.

99: You mean calculating Pi to the last digit--or the eternal question of 'Why'?

Max: No, our computers cracked those last week. Just back me up.

Ruk: What is it you want?

Max: Just a bit of info, Ruk. Could you tell me why it is that hot dogs come in packs of 8, but hot dog buns only come in packs of 6 or 12?

Ruk: That is simple. To make people buy more of either. But yet---if they were equal, the bun manufacturers would outlay less production capital---aaaaaggghhhhh!!!!

(Ruk runs off and explodes)

99: The old hot dogs and buns condurundum!

Smart: Yes. Its the fifth time I've had to use it this month. Its--never pretty.

(At Control HQ, the Android-Maxwell Smart arrives)

Chief: Max? Where's 99?

A-Max: I'm afraid that we lost her, Chief.

Chief: You're saying that she's dead?

A-Max: Of course. What did you think that I meant?

Chief: Well, with you 86, I couldn't be entirely sure that you didn't just misplace her. Its a tragedy, to be certain. There will never be another like her.

A-Max: I--wouldn't be so certain of that, Chief.

Chief: Did you start on the report about Doctor Korby?

A-Max: Already signed and filed, Chief.

Chief: Oh--really? Well, then. Let's discuss your next assignment. Its beyond Top-Secret. Highest Classification. Lets lower The Cone Of Silence.

A-Max: No need, Chief. The Cone Of Silence is mainly a nuisance. And why don't you give the assignment to someone else? Face It Chief--I'm Just A Lousy Agent!

(While A-Max is seated, The Chief lowers The Cone Of Silence, and ducks out; A-Max is trapped)

A-Max: Let me guess. You knew because of that phrase Smart implanted in me--right?

Chief: No. Max has put him himself down before. But Agent 86 *never* lets me go through a briefing without using The Cone Of Silence!

A-Max: The old obsessive compulsion that I failed to be programmed with! Its the first time I've ever fallen for that trick--for any trick.

(Larabee walks in as A-Max futilely bangs on the walls of The Cone)

Chief: Larabee--that man is not Maxwell Smart. He is a dangerous android. Do not let him out. Hymie and I are going to Doctor Korby's island to get 99 and Max out.

Larabee: Are you sure you want me doing this? Face it Chief---I'm just a lousy agent!

(A moment later, Larabee is also imprisoned in The Cone)

Larabee: Hey--what does motor oil really taste like?

A-Max: Tastes a lot like chicken fat.

Larabee: I'd heard that!

-----------------------------------------------

(Back at Korby's island, Max pretends to be A-Max)

Andrea: You have returned. Did your mission succeed?

Max: Yes. Control is destroyed. Are Smart and the woman still alive?

Andrea: For now. Why do you inquire about them?

Max: Errr....I was merely puzzled.

Andrea: By what?

Max: Why would Doctor Korby would prefer that pale, skinny human female to a totally superior, far more attractive android such as yourself?

Andrea: You truly think that I am her superior?

Max: Well, its obvious. Everything about you speaks of our kind's perfection. She's already showing signs of age.

Andrea: But an android will soon be built in her image.

Max: That won't possibly help someone as hopeless as her. But just to be sure-- maybe you better make it clear to Doctor Korby that he should dance with the one he created first!

(Andrea looks confused; Nods)

Andrea: I shall do so.

(99 emerges from hiding)

Max: Was I convincing?

(She slaps him straight across his face)

99: For a moment, even I was convinced.

(Max rubs his cheek as she walks off)

Max: Remind me not to improve my acting skills.

(Andrea confronts Korby)

Andrea: And you call *this* a uniform? Playboy Playmates wear more! For all these years, I've cooked, cleaned, made idle chatter with Ruk, told you what a brilliant scientist you are---aaaggghhh!!!

(She explodes)

99: What happened to her?

Max: She became human, 99. For one moment, she became human, and knew love as we do. The joys of love raised her up--but the pains of love destroyed her.

Korby: Actually, Mister Smart--I activated her self-destruct mechanism.

Max: Oh. Yes, well, that was going to be my next guess.

Korby: I hope you're happy, Mister Smart. You've just taken a perfect master design that would have brought humanity back to paradise—and ruined it!

99: Roger, humanity wasn't meant to waltz quickly back into paradise to the sound of mechanized gears---but to the sound of brass horns, playing in triumph as we ascend slowly.

Max: Brass horns, 99? Why not drums?

99: Oh--drums give me a headache.

(Chief and Hymie burst in)

Chief: Are you two all right?

99: We're fine, Chief.

(Hymie sees Andrea's scattered parts and gears; Picks one up)

Hymie: She must have been quite a looker--before she let herself go like that.

Korby: Ahh, Hymie. I was never able to reach your level of perfection.

Hymie: That is because you chose to use your cybernetic prowess for badness instead of goodness. We androids need humans. Friends can be found, but they cannot be programmed as such.

99: That's very well said, Hymie.

Hymie: Thank you, 99. I got it from an episode of Star Trek. Although I still can't believe they killed off M-5 so quickly. Someday, a TV series will feature a lead character who is a cybernetic. Just not in this generation.

Chief: Well, I'm just glad that you two are alive, and that you captured Doctor Korby.

(Max fires his gun into Korby)

Max: Sorry, Chief. Doctor Korby was never really here. This was just another android.

(Korby is bleeding)


Korby: I'm---not----an--androi----


(Dies; Chief glares and 99 rolls her eyes)


Max: Heh. Sorry about that, Chief.

Hymie: Chief? Did you not leave Larabee imprisoned with the Android Max?

Chief: Oh, Good Lord! That was over 12 hours ago.

99: Could he survive that long?

Chief: The only way off this island is on a cruise ship. We'll have to hope he survives til we can get back.

Max: Uh, Chief?

Chief: Yes, 86?

Max: Did you meet the Ship's Doctor on your way here?

Chief: Now that you mention it, I did. He reminded me of someone—I just couldn't put my finger on it.

99: We'll talk.

(They finally arrive back at Control HQ, 99 gasps at the sight in the Chief's office)

99: Ohhhh--noooo!!!

Hymie: The poor fool. He never stood a chance.

Max: It always hurts the most--when we're simply too late to make a difference.

Chief: Let me deal with this. Its my fault he's gone.

(Raises the Cone)

Larabee: Chief--I don't get it. I was talking about my last family reunion--and then he just fell apart!

(Hymie takes a sobbing Larabee out; We see that A-Max is in pieces; his eyes seem badly glazed, indicating they went before the rest of him did )

99: I guess he wasn't as well constructed as Roger claimed.

Max: It wasn't that, 99. Can you or I even begin to imagine it—being totally alone in the universe--locked inside that thing- -with only Larabee as a companion?

(She shudders)

99: Oh, Max--look at this exotic paperweight The Chief has.

(Max grabs the cube from her)

Max: That's not a paperweight, 99--that was Agent 22, my partner before you. That's why you were transferred to Control. You know, I keep meaning to take this down to the lab.

(puts it away)

Max: Aaahh....I'll do it on Monday.

(After they leave, 99 comes back and hides the cube in a secret compartment)

99: (Sarcastically) How do you like that, Miss Class Valedictorian?

(Ep ends)

----------------------------------------------------

Next Week On Get Smart:

Chief: Max, we have to prove that Hymie is a real Control agent—but you'll have to argue against him, I'm afraid.

(Before The Joint Chiefs)

Max: But Hymie is not a man, he is a machine! Created by a man, maintained by a man, and a man has just shut him off!

(Touches back of Hymie's neck to no effect)

Max: Hymie, why aren't you shutting off?

Hymie: Max--my shut off is located....

( Whispers; Max's eyes go wide )

Max: Well, you can forget about that. I mean, I like you, Hymie—but that's carrying our friendship a bit far!

General: Mister Smart--what is the delay? Conclude your demonstration.

(Max whispers to General; He gulps)

General: We--will accept that Mister Hymie can be shut off without further demonstration. Please.

 

[Admiral2]

^^^That's more like it! Awesome one!

 

[Gojirob]

Title : Where Every Fury Knows Your Name

Author : Rob Morris

Type : A Remix of the ST :Voyager Episode 'Fury'

Rating : PG

Summary: If the suddenly angry returned Kes had gone to a certain tavern in Boston...nahhhh. It still wouldn’t have gone like this.

Where Every Fury Knows Your Name
by Rob Morris

BOSTON, MA

As the former Lilith Crane exited Cheers, she looked up the stairwell, and saw someone descend.

"Well, well. If it isn't the great playwright. Welcome back, D...."

A telekinetic bolt destroyed her. Carla Le Beck shrugged.

"And me without my camcorder!"

But Carla was next to die, as the barstools came to life.

As Diane Chambers entered Cheers once more, Rebecca Howe grabbed a soda-dispensing hose, and aimed it at her predecessor.

"You will stay back--or-or--geez!"

Rebecca went flying over the back of the counter. The angry Diane gestured and Melville's upstairs was destroyed. Woody Boyd shook his head, and threw down his apron.

"All right, Miss Chambers. Now I like to think we're friends. But if you're gonna go and do stuff like that, I'll have to ask you to leave."

Diane brought the glasses above Woody down on him. She then looked at Norm Petersen. He pleaded.

"Diane! Whatever you feel we've done to you, there's no need to slaughter innocents!"

She grinned, and surely enough, the beer tap was incinerated while Norm had a fatal heart attack.

The people began to run.

"Where did she get this kind of power?"

Someone, sadly, had an answer, as he always did.

"Well, there, yer studies show that telekinesis is like doubling a penny, each and every day, til by the months end, you got--ah--yerself a tidy pile of pennies. It all started with the ancient Egyptians..."

Diane negated gravity's hold on Cliff Claven, who kept right on talking straight through until at last, merciful explosive decompression took him.

Now, only one remained. He emerged. He saw Diane's glowing eyes.

"Hello, Sam!"

"Baby, why are you doing this?"

She seized him and held him up against the wall by his neck.

"Three years ago, we were to be married. I left to help my literary career. You promised to check on me, after six months. You never did! You left me alone in a brutal world which I was unready for."

Sam looked down.

"Diane, that was TEN years ago, you told me not to call you, because of your schedule, and from what I've heard, all of your reviews were aces."

Her eyes stopped glowing, she let him down. She nodded her head, smiling.

"THAT'S right! Oh, Sam. I've been in such a snit. Can you forgive me over Cappuccino?"

Sam looked around at the carnage.

"Nooo. Diane, I am not feeding you Cappuccino after this."

She huffed, and turned to leave.

"That's fine, Sam. If you are going to choose to be petty and vindictive, there's nothing I can do about it--TA!"

Hours later, as Sam sorted through the bodies and wreckage, a visitor from Seattle paid a call.

"Sam?"

"Yes, Frasier?"

Frasier Crane looked at what was left of Cheers. He gestured broadly.

"This carnage--this utter chaos!"

He put his hands firmly on his hips.

"Why didn't you tell me that Diane was coming by?"

Later that day, Sam had dinner with a redheaded Councilwoman named Kate. Together with Frasier, they took a river cruise down the Mississippi, all the way to The Delta Region. Sam had wanted to take a different cruise, but Kate insisted.

 

[Admiral2]

Title : Where Every Fury Knows Your Name

Author : Rob Morris

Type : A Remix of the ST :Voyager Episode 'Fury'

Rating : PG

Summary: If the suddenly angry returned Kes had gone to a certain tavern in Boston...nahhhh. It still wouldn’t have gone like this.

Where Every Fury Knows Your Name
by Rob Morris

BOSTON, MA

As the former Lilith Crane exited Cheers, she looked up the stairwell, and saw someone descend.

"Well, well. If it isn't the great playwright. Welcome back, D...."

A telekinetic bolt destroyed her. Carla Le Beck shrugged.

"And me without my camcorder!"

But Carla was next to die, as the barstools came to life.

As Diane Chambers entered Cheers once more, Rebecca Howe grabbed a soda-dispensing hose, and aimed it at her predecessor.

"You will stay back--or-or--geez!"

Rebecca went flying over the back of the counter. The angry Diane gestured and Melville's upstairs was destroyed. Woody Boyd shook his head, and threw down his apron.

"All right, Miss Chambers. Now I like to think we're friends. But if you're gonna go and do stuff like that, I'll have to ask you to leave."

Diane brought the glasses above Woody down on him. She then looked at Norm Petersen. He pleaded.

"Diane! Whatever you feel we've done to you, there's no need to slaughter innocents!"

She grinned, and surely enough, the beer tap was incinerated while Norm had a fatal heart attack.

The people began to run.

"Where did she get this kind of power?"

Someone, sadly, had an answer, as he always did.

"Well, there, yer studies show that telekinesis is like doubling a penny, each and every day, til by the months end, you got--ah--yerself a tidy pile of pennies. It all started with the ancient Egyptians..."

Diane negated gravity's hold on Cliff Claven, who kept right on talking straight through until at last, merciful explosive decompression took him.

Now, only one remained. He emerged. He saw Diane's glowing eyes.

"Hello, Sam!"

"Baby, why are you doing this?"

She seized him and held him up against the wall by his neck.

"Three years ago, we were to be married. I left to help my literary career. You promised to check on me, after six months. You never did! You left me alone in a brutal world which I was unready for."

Sam looked down.

"Diane, that was TEN years ago, you told me not to call you, because of your schedule, and from what I've heard, all of your reviews were aces."

Her eyes stopped glowing, she let him down. She nodded her head, smiling.

"THAT'S right! Oh, Sam. I've been in such a snit. Can you forgive me over Cappuccino?"

Sam looked around at the carnage.

"Nooo. Diane, I am not feeding you Cappuccino after this."

She huffed, and turned to leave.

"That's fine, Sam. If you are going to choose to be petty and vindictive, there's nothing I can do about it--TA!"

Hours later, as Sam sorted through the bodies and wreckage, a visitor from Seattle paid a call.

"Sam?"

"Yes, Frasier?"

Frasier Crane looked at what was left of Cheers. He gestured broadly.

"This carnage--this utter chaos!"

He put his hands firmly on his hips.

"Why didn't you tell me that Diane was coming by?"

Later that day, Sam had dinner with a redheaded Councilwoman named Kate. Together with Frasier, they took a river cruise down the Mississippi, all the way to The Delta Region. Sam had wanted to take a different cruise, but Kate insisted.

Good one!

 

[Mistral]

The Get Smart! was excellent! The Cheers, less so. And I completely missed the ending about the Delta....Am I being dense?

 

[Gojirob]

To wit : On Cheers, Sam did indeed date a redheaded councilwoman named Kate - played by one Kate Mulgrew. They took a cruise down the Mississippi River to New Orleans, its 'Delta'.

 

[Gojirob]

Title : Yesterracer

Author : Rob Morris

Type : A Remix of the Star Trek : TAS episode, ‘Yesteryear’

Rating : G

Summary : Go back with us now to a slightly different Vulcan, where young men prove themselves in the Kahswan...Desert Race? It’s Mach a Go Go, Star Trek style. Go, Spock, Go!

YesterRacer
by Rob Morris

(Spock and Kirk emerge from The Guardian Of Forever)

Kirk: Well Spock I guess that jaunt through time is over. I'm glad to be back in our own time.

Spock: Yes Captain being in our own time is preferable to being in someone else's.

(They beam up)

McCoy: Hey Jim What Is This You Didn't tell me you were beaming up with A Vulcan.

Thelin: Mmmm. As your First Officer I wish I had been informed instead of you just beaming up like this oh well I guess its done.

Spock: Captain traveling through the Guardian must have changed history we have to go back.

Kirk: Okel-Dokel!

(Spock goes into the past)

Spock: Hello Sarek I am your cousin Selek but I'm just passing through.

Sarek: Hello Selek I would like to talk to you but I must prepare my son Spock for the Kahswan Desert Race!

Amanda: Oh Sarek I don't know if I want Spock to be in the race its really quite dangerous.

Sarek: This race is an important rite of passage for all Vulcans my wife and Spock must go through it too even though he's half-human.

(At the race Spock sees the trouble)

Saboteur: Hah that lousy Earther will never finish the Kahswan race after I sever his fuel line.

Young Spock: Wish me luck Cousin Selek I think I'm going to do quite well in the Kahswan.

Spock: I cannot stop the saboteur without revealing who I am but wait there was always one individual who helped me out in the past even if I never learned who he really was if only I could contact him.

Amanda: Be careful in the race Spock oh I'm so worried

Sarek: That's a fine vehicle he and I built but maybe I'll build a better one next time.

(The race begins ; Young Spock is well out in front when his fuel line goes)

Young Spock: Oh no now I'll never finish the race and I might get killed as well

Amanda: Oh Spock!

Sarek: C'mon, Spock!

(Then, a car pulls alongside Young Spock's Racer and seals his fuel line)

Racer X: Good luck, Spock! I know you can win it!

(Little does Spock realize that Racer X is actually his older brother Sybok
who left home years ago)

Young Spock: I wonder who Racer X really is I wonder if he's really my older brother Sybok who left home years ago

Spock: I still wonder who Racer X really was I wonder if he was my older brother Sybok who left home years ago

Racer X: Spock must never find out who I really am that I am his older brother Sybok who left home years ago

Amanda: Go, Spock! Oh I am so glad that Spock wasn't hurt or that he won't be leaving home like his older brother Sybok who left home years ago

Sarek: Amanda! Wife you are not supposed to talk about Spock's older brother Sybok who left home years ago Go, Spock!

(Spock crosses the finish line first, but the saboteur cracks up and dies)

T'Pau: Thee were completely illogical to not finish the race much like Spock's older brother Sybok who left home years ago

Announcer: Spock wins the Kahswan Desert Race!

(Spock poses outside the car)

Sarek: That is my son who won that race next time I will build a vehicle that can travel five times the speed of sound!

Young Spock: No, Father. There will be no more races I have decided to join Starfleet

Sarek: Hmmm. We will discuss this my son but not right now lets just go home and celebrate that you did better than your older brother Sybok who left home years ago.

(Spock emerges from The Guardian )

Kirk: Well Spock did you restore your past back to what it was?

Spock: Yes Jim but a saboteur died but that's just too bad because he should have tried to win the race fairly

Kirk: Its good to have you back Spock now we're all going on Shore Leave to a museum planet featuring the history and evolution of the automobile

Spock: That will be good Captain since I too have a fondness for automobiles

Kirk: Oh by the way your ward Saavik came with us by hiding in the shuttlebay's storage compartment again

Spock: I shall have Sarek speak to her since she is not supposed to do that!

Here He Comes, Here Comes Spock of Vulcan, Logic Dictates He Will Win;

He Will Win The Race By Margins enough to cause undue excitement;

He looks like a demon because of ancient Terran beliefs;

But in the Surak Five he will thwart killers and thieves;

And when he calculates dire odds and gives them in precise detail;

It is a safe wager that; Kirk will like them well

Go Spock Race Now, Go Spock Race Now, Go Spock Race Now GOOOOOOO.......

 

[Admiral2]