Social Skills

[MetalPants]

We all have different personalities. Accompanying each personality are various sets of social abilities.

A question for you BBSers-do you believe our social abilities are a fixed and integral part of who we are, or are they fluid and changing?

 

[thestrangequark]

Fluid and changing, obviously! They are subject to change based on level of intoxication for Pete's sake!

 

[Spot's Meow]

Both. I feel like by forcing yourself into social situations you are uncomfortable with, you could learn how to fake it and other people may never know the difference. But inside your feelings about the situation may be more difficult to change. I have learned what kind of things to say when having small talk with other people, but often if I'm in a room with someone else I "forget" that I should talk to them because I naturally have an instinct to be quiet and keep to myself. And on bad days or when I'm just not feeling up to it and someone comes up to have some useless chat with me, I will not bother putting on the smile and will send out my "go-away" vibes. So on the one hand you can learn to act in the appropriate ways, but your natural inclinations to behave one way or another may never change. You just have to try and surround yourself with people that understand your abilities and don't take offense when your true self comes out.

 

[kimc]

Fluid and changing. Being social is a skill like any other - the more you work at it the better you get.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Fluid. I used to be very shy and socially awkward, until I made a concerted effort to be more outgoing and social. It's not easy but it's one of those things that gets better the more you do it. Nowadays, I can strike up conversations with total strangers--in person!--and not get sheepish.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Extremely fluid on the outer layers, with a less fluid core.

A social person could learn to abstain from contacts with other people, but in the short term he will still be a social person without social contacts. Given enough time, they will become more and more of a loner, until they won't be a social person any more. The same is true for the opposite, of course.

 

[TrekkieMonster]

Fluid. I used to be very shy and socially awkward, until I made a concerted effort to be more outgoing and social. It's not easy but it's one of those things that gets better the more you do it. Nowadays, I can strike up conversations with total strangers--in person!--and not get sheepish.

This ^^^.

Describes me perfectly. I was horribly shy and awkward and uncomfortable around people I didn't know (and sometimes people I did know) for much of my life, into my mid-20s. But, I also made a concerted effort to change that (with the help of some friends, as well.) And it really did change.

And, while I may agree with iguana_toronne's comments about the core being less fluid, in my case anyway, it too can -- and did -- change. Perhaps it's a bit like the smiling phenomenon (I forget what it's called): where forcing yourself to smile or laugh can actually improve your mood. Over time not only did I become less awkward and shy around people, at this point I'm sort of known as a "social butterfly". I'm the one who enjoys going to parties and social gatherings, and meeting new people and striking up conversations with people I don't know. Twenty years ago if you told me I'd be like this someday I would have thought you were crazy.

 

[ancientone51]

Fluid. Also teachable and learnable.

 

[RandyS]

Fluid and changing. Being social is a skill like any other - the more you work at it the better you get.

And the reverse is also true.

 

[Mary Ann]

Extremely fluid on the outer layers, with a less fluid core.

A social person could learn to abstain from contacts with other people, but in the short term he will still be a social person without social contacts. Given enough time, they will become more and more of a loner, until they won't be a social person any more. The same is true for the opposite, of course.

Agreed, Mr. Iguana.

 

[Kelthaz]

Social skills are by their very definition a skill. Any skill can be improved upon with practice. Someone who is more naturally outgoing will get more practice than an introvert, so extroverts tend to have better social skills on average.

 

[Holdfast]

Fluid and changing. Being social is a skill like any other - the more you work at it the better you get.

Precisely.

One's underlying attitude to social situations may not shift much/quickly, but one's emotional response, not to mention ability to perform adeptly within different situations is quite amenable to practice.

 

[RoJoHen]

I used to be unbelievably shy until I started working at a restaurant where I was forced to interact with lots of people face-to-face for hours on end. Between the customers and my crazy co-workers, I definitely learned to break out of my shell.

I'm still a bit awkward, though. I am terrible at small talk. I've been a bartender for the last 4 years, so you'd think I'd be better at it, but I'm not. The problem is that I really don't care about anything these random people are talking about.

 

[Captain_Nick]

A question for you BBSers-do you believe our social abilities are a fixed and integral part of who we are, or are they fluid and changing?

They are fluid and changing. You can learn social skills the same way you learn any other physical activity.

 

[McCoy]

Fluid. I used to be very shy and socially awkward, until I made a concerted effort to be more outgoing and social. It's not easy but it's one of those things that gets better the more you do it. Nowadays, I can strike up conversations with total strangers--in person!--and not get sheepish.

This ^^^.

+1

 

[auntiehill]

Fluid and changing, of course. "Skills" are learned. If you want to get better at it and really work at it, you will improve. How much you improve depends on a lot of other factors, like your mental health, emotional state, existing prejudices, etc. But you most certainly can improve.

 

[Saga]

i was once very shy and timid, very uneasy around people. then i took at job at a call center. the night before i started work it suddenly hit me, 'i can't do this! i hate talking to people!' so the job helped bring me out of my shell. i made lots of new friends and now i'm pretty comfortable with myself.

 

[Holdfast]

I used to be unbelievably shy until I started working at a restaurant where I was forced to interact with lots of people face-to-face for hours on end. Between the customers and my crazy co-workers, I definitely learned to break out of my shell.

I'm still a bit awkward, though. I am terrible at small talk. I've been a bartender for the last 4 years, so you'd think I'd be better at it, but I'm not. The problem is that I really don't care about anything these random people are talking about.

Few people do. I certainly don't. You can still learn to enjoy the process, the to-and-fro of the social chit-chat, without actually remembering any of what they're saying for more than a few minutes though.

However, two friends of mine really DO remember this stuff. You can plonk either of them down next to someone at a dinner or a party, and they will extract insane amounts of information from those around them, and remember a majority of it. I'm always astonished when, at the next social occasion, they will be able to regurgitate the information and pick up the conversation from where they left off. They're both brilliant to take along to any function for this very reason (as well as being nice people, of course!)

I really do think women have a brain (or more accurately, social attitude) more suited to this functionality. Both those friends are female, and while I have met other ladies who can also perform this trick, I have never ever met a man who can do it.

Men small-talk operates purely on a functional/incidental level, no matter how skilled they are at doing it, and it takes several repetitions to actually retain the information long-term!

 

[kirsten187]

I'm not as shy as I used to be but I'm still not very confident. I've done call centre and retail work, which I'm sure helped, but I'm just grateful that it's not as bad as it used to be when I was younger. That said, in contrast with other people, I'm still very shy and quiet.

 

[Kestra]

I'm shy at heart but I've been socialized remarkably well to be more outgoing. I think it's been for the best.