Hello, my name is Samuel T. Cogley, and I am a Star Trek fan. Or, at least, I thought I was.
Chorus: Hi Sam!
Wait, that's not all. I've been doing a lot of introspection lately, especially with all the talk about this new movie coming out, and I've been questioning my Star Trek faith of late. As many of you know have probably noticed, I've been starting to show some cracks in my facade. Despite the Trek BBS' "Don't ask, don't tell" policy, my leanings have been becoming more and more obvious.
Chorus: We were wondering when you were going to come to us about this, Sam. Relax, you are among friends. **snicker**
Okay, here goes...
This isn't easy for me...
**nervously kicks dirt with shoes**
Okay... It's like this.
I... like Captain James T. Kirk.
Chorus: GASP!
Chorus: Wait! Give him room. I think he has something else to say!
He's right.
And this is the really hard part...
I...
like...
William Shatner.
Chorus: HOLY FUCK!
Chorus: JESUS!
Chorus: Did he just say that out loud?
I know... I know... I don't know what else to say. I've tried to suppress these feelings. I know how unwelcome they are. How controversial they are. I don't know if I was born this way or if it's the way my parents raised me. Scientists will figure that out someday. But for now, I've got to be me. I'm sick of living a lie.
I've tried to hate him. I've tried to blame him for my woes. I've tried to blame shitty movies on him. But I've failed.
Maybe, with your strength, you can remind me why I'm supposed to dislike him so.
Chorus: Oh, this is easy.
Chorus: He's cocky!
Chorus: He's arrogant!
Chorus: His attempts at humor are awkward and often misunderstood.
Chorus: He's bald.
Chorus: He got fat!
Chorus: He got old!
Oh! Well, I can see why he would never fit in with the Trek BBS crowd. No wonder you reject him.
I know after the SNL "Get a life!" skit came out, Shatner caught a lot of flak. I wanted to be offended. I tried to be offended. But I just couldn't. I guess it's because: a) Shatner didn't write it; b) I have a sense of humor; c) I have a life; and d) I've kissed a girl (quite a few, actually).
So it just didn't bother me. Why did it bother you guys?
Chorus: **awkward silence**
I'm just asking you to help me to understand...
Chorus: Sam, we've all listened VERY CAREFULLY to what you had to say. Can we ask you a few questions?
Sure.
Chorus: First, why do you insist that Shatner and/or Kirk is GOD and is PERFECT and that everything he touches turns to gold!?!
Huh? Where did I say that? I said I liked Shatner and Kirk. He's certainly not perfect. He's just a lot of fun to watch.
Chorus: DEFEND STAR TREK V! AND IF YOU FAIL, IT IS PROOF THAT SHATNER IS A FUCK-UP AND AN ASS!
Uh, okay. Well, that movie wasn't one of the better ones. Even so, it had some of the best character moments of any of the movies. Besides, it's only one out of many, many stories featuring Kirk. I guess it just means that Shatner is better at playing Kirk than he is at directing.
Chorus: UNACCEPTABLE!
Chorus: ADMIT THAT THE STAR TREK FRANCHISE IS RUINED FOREVER BECAUSE OF SHATNER! DO IT NOW! DON'T WAIT FOR THE TRANSLATION!!!
I... can't. I wish I could, but I just can't.
Chorus: Another question. Why do you INSIST that Shatner MUST be in Star Trek XI!?! WHY?!?
Uh, I don't think I've ever done that. At least not seriously. I did come up with a version of how I would do it if it were up to me, but even in that thread, I said that it would probably never happen. If he's in it, great. If not, that's okay, too.
Chorus: Why do you defend Shatner in every thread?!?
I don't.
In fact, I often poke fun at him. Here and here, for example.
And in the interest of full disclosure, I did also rant about how fucking cool he is here. (I noticed that some anonymous Mod finally did alter my thread title, by the way. Girlyman.
)
Chorus: Are you suggesting that is is possible to like Shatner and/or Kirk and yet not -- at the same time -- think he is PERFECT and GOD and IMMORTAL and that Star Trek V is PERFECT and that Shatner MUST be in Star Trek XI?!?!
Yes. That's exactly what I'm suggesting.
Chorus: BLASPHEMY!!!
Sorry.
Chorus: Sam, didn't you see how pathetic Shatner was when he explained over and over again to the media about how he won't be in Star Trek XI?
Well, sure. But how many times was he asked that question by interviewers?
Chorus: Over and over again.
I see.
Chorus: But isn't it sad that he just won't let it go?
You mean, that a man with a somewhat fragile ego is having a hard time that he is getting old? That he is becoming irrelevant? That, despite the fact that we are willing to push him out of the way so we can get a new Kirk, he is not so quick to do so, especially since he made that character who he is. That even though he has served our individual purposes and we are done with him, he might have a hard time accepting that? And that he answers honestly when asked?
Chorus: But, Sam, he willingly died in Generations. His greedy little hands cashed that check for a billion dollars and he openly laughed in the faces of all the fans. Now, he dares to set some insane, unheard of precedent on Star Trek by coming back from the dead?
You mean like Spock did? Or Data? Or Tasha Yar? Or Kirk himself did in Generations? Or any of the many, many other characters who died and came back, often in the course of a single episode?
Chorus: But it would take over fourteen hours of fanwank to bring him back and that would ruin Star Trek XI!
Well again, despite your confusion, I'm not even insisting that he should be in Star Trek XI, but my idea (which is only one of many, of course) would bring him back with NO screentime wasted and would require NO dialog to explain it.
Besides, that's not the point. The point is that, from Shatner's perspective (and the perspective of much of the world), he's the star of the show. He's still alive. He's available. And they are proceeding without him. The are using his buddy Nimoy and they aren't using him. All this on a show that is notorious for bringing people back from the dead, often quickly and easily. I'm not suggesting that Abrams is right or wrong to do so. But I am suggesting that it is perfectly reasonable and human for Shatner to feel more than a little hurt about that decision.
Chorus: I'm glad you brought that up, Sam. You recently stated -- publicly, I might add -- that William Shatner deserves a lot of credit for Star Trek's success. Is this insanity?
You mean, William Shatner, the star of "Star Trek"? The top-billed actor? The guy who the public most closely associates with all things Star Trek (with the possible exception of Nimoy/Spock) even forty plus years later?
Chorus: So you ADMIT that you hate Leonard Nimoy and think he should not be in Star Trek XI; and that the writers and creators of "Star Trek" deserve NO CREDIT WHATSOEVER?
What?
Hold on, I'm not finished.
Even after hundreds (and hundreds) of mostly forgettable (to the general public, anyway) Star Trek episodes came and went without Shatner and still he is most closely associated with Star Trek in the minds of the world? The internationally known, multiple-Emmy-winning actor, William Shatner? The guy who the Star Trek Tour just hired to be the ambassador of that tour, representing all of Star Trek? The guy whose character (along with others from TOS) J.J. Abrams decided was the perfect choice to reignite the entire franchise, despite probably having a blank check to tell any story with any characters in any time period that he wanted? The character who is probably one of pop-culture's all-time top heroes?
Yeah, I'm willing to give him a lot of credit for the success of that show.
Chorus: You realize that's like giving Lucille Ball a lot of credit for "I Love Lucy," or Rod Serling for "The Twilight Zone," or Jerry Seinfeld for "Seinfeld," or James Gandolfini for "The Sopranos"? You realize how ludicrous that is, don't you?
I guess I don't. Do Star Wars fans hate Han Solo? Do they hate Harrison Ford?
Chorus: Probably.
Chorus: If they don't, they should.
Chorus: Right!
Chorus: Worst. Character. Ever.
Don't you think the general public would be surprised to find out that so many Star Trek fans dislike James Kirk and/or William Shatner? Doesn't that seem odd to you?
Chorus: Don't you worry about the public, Sam. We can handle the public. All we have to do is say, "I love William Shatner as much as the next Trek fan, but..." and then say something really shitty about William Shatner. It's like when a racist starts a sentence with, "Now, I'm no racist, but..." and you just know that you are about to hear the most racist comment ever.
Well, I can see that we aren't really making much progress here...
Chorus: What do you intend to do about all of this, Sam? How do you intend to make this right?
Well, I guess this is the part where I should apologiize. It worked for Don Imus. It worked for Mel Gibson. It worked for Dog the Bounty Hunter. It can work for me, too.
I realize that by liking both William Shatner and James T. Kirk, that I have brought shame and embarrassment to Star Trek fans everywhere. And by publicly admitting to it in this thread, I have only made things worse. I have nowhere to hide. I got nowhere else to go.
I just want to say that I'm sorry. To all of you.
Chorus: Not good enough.
Chorus: We want you to name names.
Yeah, I figured as much.
I've given this a lot of thought and I'm not going to name names.
I do, however, realize how much power and influence and clout that Star Trek fans on the internet have. That's a power that can't be denied. I can't fight that. No one can. When you speak, people listen.
So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to leave my fate in your hands.
I'm going to put it to a vote.
If you decide that being a fan of Kirk and Shatner are irreconcilable with being a Star Trek fan, I will tear up my Star Trek Fan Club card.
(I will still, however, remain a proud Card-Carrying Member of the Communist Party, though. So back off, Joe!)
I will accept discommendation.
I will accept excile from my fellow Star Trek fans.
I won't leave here. That would be too easy. But I will put a statement in my signature explaining that I am no longer a Star Trek fan.
And I will wear a scarlet Delta shield on my dress at all times.
I leave it up to you. My fate is in your hands...
Chorus: Hi Sam!
Wait, that's not all. I've been doing a lot of introspection lately, especially with all the talk about this new movie coming out, and I've been questioning my Star Trek faith of late. As many of you know have probably noticed, I've been starting to show some cracks in my facade. Despite the Trek BBS' "Don't ask, don't tell" policy, my leanings have been becoming more and more obvious.
Chorus: We were wondering when you were going to come to us about this, Sam. Relax, you are among friends. **snicker**
Okay, here goes...
This isn't easy for me...
**nervously kicks dirt with shoes**
Okay... It's like this.
I... like Captain James T. Kirk.
Chorus: GASP!
Chorus: Wait! Give him room. I think he has something else to say!
He's right.
And this is the really hard part...
I...
like...
William Shatner.
Chorus: HOLY FUCK!
Chorus: JESUS!
Chorus: Did he just say that out loud?
I know... I know... I don't know what else to say. I've tried to suppress these feelings. I know how unwelcome they are. How controversial they are. I don't know if I was born this way or if it's the way my parents raised me. Scientists will figure that out someday. But for now, I've got to be me. I'm sick of living a lie.
I've tried to hate him. I've tried to blame him for my woes. I've tried to blame shitty movies on him. But I've failed.
Maybe, with your strength, you can remind me why I'm supposed to dislike him so.
Chorus: Oh, this is easy.
Chorus: He's cocky!
Chorus: He's arrogant!
Chorus: His attempts at humor are awkward and often misunderstood.
Chorus: He's bald.
Chorus: He got fat!
Chorus: He got old!
Oh! Well, I can see why he would never fit in with the Trek BBS crowd. No wonder you reject him.
I know after the SNL "Get a life!" skit came out, Shatner caught a lot of flak. I wanted to be offended. I tried to be offended. But I just couldn't. I guess it's because: a) Shatner didn't write it; b) I have a sense of humor; c) I have a life; and d) I've kissed a girl (quite a few, actually).
So it just didn't bother me. Why did it bother you guys?
Chorus: **awkward silence**
I'm just asking you to help me to understand...
Chorus: Sam, we've all listened VERY CAREFULLY to what you had to say. Can we ask you a few questions?
Sure.
Chorus: First, why do you insist that Shatner and/or Kirk is GOD and is PERFECT and that everything he touches turns to gold!?!
Huh? Where did I say that? I said I liked Shatner and Kirk. He's certainly not perfect. He's just a lot of fun to watch.
Chorus: DEFEND STAR TREK V! AND IF YOU FAIL, IT IS PROOF THAT SHATNER IS A FUCK-UP AND AN ASS!
Uh, okay. Well, that movie wasn't one of the better ones. Even so, it had some of the best character moments of any of the movies. Besides, it's only one out of many, many stories featuring Kirk. I guess it just means that Shatner is better at playing Kirk than he is at directing.
Chorus: UNACCEPTABLE!
Chorus: ADMIT THAT THE STAR TREK FRANCHISE IS RUINED FOREVER BECAUSE OF SHATNER! DO IT NOW! DON'T WAIT FOR THE TRANSLATION!!!
I... can't. I wish I could, but I just can't.
Chorus: Another question. Why do you INSIST that Shatner MUST be in Star Trek XI!?! WHY?!?
Uh, I don't think I've ever done that. At least not seriously. I did come up with a version of how I would do it if it were up to me, but even in that thread, I said that it would probably never happen. If he's in it, great. If not, that's okay, too.
Chorus: Why do you defend Shatner in every thread?!?
I don't.
In fact, I often poke fun at him. Here and here, for example.
And in the interest of full disclosure, I did also rant about how fucking cool he is here. (I noticed that some anonymous Mod finally did alter my thread title, by the way. Girlyman.
) Chorus: Are you suggesting that is is possible to like Shatner and/or Kirk and yet not -- at the same time -- think he is PERFECT and GOD and IMMORTAL and that Star Trek V is PERFECT and that Shatner MUST be in Star Trek XI?!?!
Yes. That's exactly what I'm suggesting.
Chorus: BLASPHEMY!!!
Sorry.
Chorus: Sam, didn't you see how pathetic Shatner was when he explained over and over again to the media about how he won't be in Star Trek XI?
Well, sure. But how many times was he asked that question by interviewers?
Chorus: Over and over again.
I see.
Chorus: But isn't it sad that he just won't let it go?
You mean, that a man with a somewhat fragile ego is having a hard time that he is getting old? That he is becoming irrelevant? That, despite the fact that we are willing to push him out of the way so we can get a new Kirk, he is not so quick to do so, especially since he made that character who he is. That even though he has served our individual purposes and we are done with him, he might have a hard time accepting that? And that he answers honestly when asked?
Chorus: But, Sam, he willingly died in Generations. His greedy little hands cashed that check for a billion dollars and he openly laughed in the faces of all the fans. Now, he dares to set some insane, unheard of precedent on Star Trek by coming back from the dead?
You mean like Spock did? Or Data? Or Tasha Yar? Or Kirk himself did in Generations? Or any of the many, many other characters who died and came back, often in the course of a single episode?
Chorus: But it would take over fourteen hours of fanwank to bring him back and that would ruin Star Trek XI!
Well again, despite your confusion, I'm not even insisting that he should be in Star Trek XI, but my idea (which is only one of many, of course) would bring him back with NO screentime wasted and would require NO dialog to explain it.
Besides, that's not the point. The point is that, from Shatner's perspective (and the perspective of much of the world), he's the star of the show. He's still alive. He's available. And they are proceeding without him. The are using his buddy Nimoy and they aren't using him. All this on a show that is notorious for bringing people back from the dead, often quickly and easily. I'm not suggesting that Abrams is right or wrong to do so. But I am suggesting that it is perfectly reasonable and human for Shatner to feel more than a little hurt about that decision.
Chorus: I'm glad you brought that up, Sam. You recently stated -- publicly, I might add -- that William Shatner deserves a lot of credit for Star Trek's success. Is this insanity?
You mean, William Shatner, the star of "Star Trek"? The top-billed actor? The guy who the public most closely associates with all things Star Trek (with the possible exception of Nimoy/Spock) even forty plus years later?
Chorus: So you ADMIT that you hate Leonard Nimoy and think he should not be in Star Trek XI; and that the writers and creators of "Star Trek" deserve NO CREDIT WHATSOEVER?
What?
Hold on, I'm not finished.Even after hundreds (and hundreds) of mostly forgettable (to the general public, anyway) Star Trek episodes came and went without Shatner and still he is most closely associated with Star Trek in the minds of the world? The internationally known, multiple-Emmy-winning actor, William Shatner? The guy who the Star Trek Tour just hired to be the ambassador of that tour, representing all of Star Trek? The guy whose character (along with others from TOS) J.J. Abrams decided was the perfect choice to reignite the entire franchise, despite probably having a blank check to tell any story with any characters in any time period that he wanted? The character who is probably one of pop-culture's all-time top heroes?
Yeah, I'm willing to give him a lot of credit for the success of that show.
Chorus: You realize that's like giving Lucille Ball a lot of credit for "I Love Lucy," or Rod Serling for "The Twilight Zone," or Jerry Seinfeld for "Seinfeld," or James Gandolfini for "The Sopranos"? You realize how ludicrous that is, don't you?
I guess I don't. Do Star Wars fans hate Han Solo? Do they hate Harrison Ford?
Chorus: Probably.
Chorus: If they don't, they should.
Chorus: Right!
Chorus: Worst. Character. Ever.
Don't you think the general public would be surprised to find out that so many Star Trek fans dislike James Kirk and/or William Shatner? Doesn't that seem odd to you?
Chorus: Don't you worry about the public, Sam. We can handle the public. All we have to do is say, "I love William Shatner as much as the next Trek fan, but..." and then say something really shitty about William Shatner. It's like when a racist starts a sentence with, "Now, I'm no racist, but..." and you just know that you are about to hear the most racist comment ever.
Well, I can see that we aren't really making much progress here...
Chorus: What do you intend to do about all of this, Sam? How do you intend to make this right?
Well, I guess this is the part where I should apologiize. It worked for Don Imus. It worked for Mel Gibson. It worked for Dog the Bounty Hunter. It can work for me, too.
I realize that by liking both William Shatner and James T. Kirk, that I have brought shame and embarrassment to Star Trek fans everywhere. And by publicly admitting to it in this thread, I have only made things worse. I have nowhere to hide. I got nowhere else to go.
I just want to say that I'm sorry. To all of you.
Chorus: Not good enough.
Chorus: We want you to name names.
Yeah, I figured as much.
I've given this a lot of thought and I'm not going to name names.
I do, however, realize how much power and influence and clout that Star Trek fans on the internet have. That's a power that can't be denied. I can't fight that. No one can. When you speak, people listen.
So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to leave my fate in your hands.
I'm going to put it to a vote.
If you decide that being a fan of Kirk and Shatner are irreconcilable with being a Star Trek fan, I will tear up my Star Trek Fan Club card.
(I will still, however, remain a proud Card-Carrying Member of the Communist Party, though. So back off, Joe!)
I will accept discommendation.
I will accept excile from my fellow Star Trek fans.
I won't leave here. That would be too easy. But I will put a statement in my signature explaining that I am no longer a Star Trek fan.
And I will wear a scarlet Delta shield on my dress at all times.
I leave it up to you. My fate is in your hands...
What of it? Very few people look awesome when old. They only do if they have surgery, have good genes, take superb care of themselves or all of the above.
