Relationship Advice...

[Tom Servo]

So In my personal life, I am in kind of a bind, and I want to see what views some of you might have on the situation, cause I am lost at the moment. I normally would never post something like this online, but I figure at this point what the hell...

I am from Massachusetts, and in the fall of 2007 moved to Philadelphia to attend school. Ever since that time, me and a friend of mine, we'll call her Sarah sake of discussion, have become very close friends. For the first couple of years we were just friends, she had a BF, and I had no feelings for her. And then one day all of a sudden, I realized I did.

She broke up with her boyfriend soon after, but I gave her a good amount of time to herself, because I knew she was deeply invested in the relationship, and it did not end well. Well after a time, I told her how I felt, and unfortunately, she didn't feel the same way. Despite the confession though, me and her remained, I would say, best friends, even though I never lost those feelings for her.

This past fall, she stated that she wanted to come visit MA, to meet my parents, and I could show her where I grew up. Well she did, and we had a great time. My school here is on a quarter system, so our breaks don't usually line up with everyone else's, so when I visited home with her, none of my friends were there, save one. My good friend...we shall call him Bob, didn't go to college and instead was a local plumber and welder. And this was a life long friend, someone I had grown up with, hung out during high school with, etc. Well they got along great, the bunch of us hung out, went to a Red Sox game, etc. She seemed to have a great time, and I didn't notice anything between them.

We got back to school the next week, and he IMed me asking if he could talk to her, and I said sure, thinking he just meant as friends, and he made NO indication of any sort of romantic intentions towards her. I certainly can't tell her who her friends can be.

A few days after, she comes up to me, sits me down, and tells me that they like each other. I felt hurt by both of them at first, however, nothing had actually happened between them at that point, and it's not my place to say what their feelings are going to be. I told her how much this upset me though, and really thought that that would be the end of it.

The next week realizing how much it really bothered me, Bob called me and said he was gonna call the whole thing off, as not to hurt me in any way, and really appreciated that.

So a few weeks go by and know they are still talking to each other, but there was nothing I could do to change that. After a while though, I realized that he was still courting her, and she still wanted him. I finally told both of them, that if they dated, they could both kiss me good bye because:

A. She knew how I felt about her, and I really didn't think she would go off and date my best friend, because she is a very moral person, and I didn't think she would hurt me in that way.

B. He knew that I had feelings for her, and I didn't think that he would destroy our friendship just so he could be with her, seeing as how he had known her for exactly a month at the time.

Well I was wrong, he told me that he wanted to date her, no matter what it did to our friendship. So I told him to kiss off then, and i haven't talked to him since. This was in late October.

With her though, it was a little more complicated. I really want to be mad at her, and never talk to her again, I do. But whenever Im with her, the things I like about her crop up again and I go soft with my resolve. That and we do go to school together, so a major feud would be very awkward in our small group of friends.

So pretty much, at this point, they are dating. She is crazy for him, and vice versa, and Im sitting here loving that two of my best friends totally fucked me over. He comes down to visit her, she goes up to visit him, and really, I can't believe my luck is this shitty.

So herein lies my issue. Me and her pretty much agreed we are gonna try to salvage our friendship, and it has been going okay. But the more I sit and think about it, the more I question whether or not I really want her as a friend anymore, seeing as how she has hurt me in this way. I honestly had hoped my friendship with her, and my friendship with him would have at least made them sit back and think, "Wow, if we do this, it's really gonna make him feel terrible", which it has.

Now, I figure most will say, "Get over it", but it just bothers me in many different ways. Even more so then the fact that she is with him, and not me, is the fact that two people, who I thought could be as close friends as possible, and never had done anything wrong in the past before, could suddenly just throw me under the bus so they can be together.

Ill leave it that that point for now...but I must ask... what do you guys think of the situation? Am I just being to sensitive? Should I just get over it, which I have been trying to do, or did I really get screwed over as badly as I feel.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Starbreaker]

I can understand how you feel, but you should really take the high road and be happier for them. It's not like they don't still want to be your friends.

 

[Misfit Toy]

You told her about your feelings and she didn't return them. Now she wants to move on with her life and you are jealous. That's all it is, jealousy. Either you're the kind of friend that is going to support her or you aren't. They didn't "screw you over".

 

[Tom Servo]

You told her about your feelings and she didn't return them. Now she wants to move on with her life and you are jealous. That's all it is, jealousy. Either you're the kind of friend that is going to support her or you aren't. They didn't "screw you over".

Yes, I did tell her my feelings, and no she didnt return them, and that is perfectly fine with me. Im not upset with her one bit about that.

While you are right, and yes there is jealousy in there, I don't think there couldn't be really...doesn't that whole friendship thing go the other way as well? In the sense that yes, you are right, I am either the kind of friend who will support them, or I am the kind that won't. But at the same time, could you look at it in the way of, we are both pretty much best friends with him, are we gonna do this and make him feel terrible?

Yes, being a true friend means you sacrifice something for your friends when it is necessary, but I just don't get why I am the one that has to be willing to sacrifice everything in this particular instance.

I just wish that either one of them had chosen a friendship that had lasted many years, rather then a person they had known for all of a month.

 

[Tiberius Jim]

I'm somewhat conflicted about this because I've been in your position and have felt the sting of being passed over for a friend by someone I very much cared for. At the same time, I don't think you were screwed over. At least not intentionally. I highly doubt Bob and Sarah sat around thinking of ways they could badly hurt you. They met, they developed feelings and want to be together. As much as it sucks that you're the reason they met, that's what happened and you don't have any right to try to keep them apart. She wasn't interested in you unfortunately, and you have to accept that. I can understand your anger towards Bob, because he did violate a key Bro Code and it sounds like he could have been clearer about his intentions to you, but on the other hand, put yourself in his shoes. Would you stay away from a potentially great relationship because your friend likes the girl?

My best advice is, to paraphrase something I heard once, "The best revenge is living well." Find someone you care about who actually reciprocates those feelings. Sarah isn't the only girl who will make you feel "that way" and the healthiest thing for you to do is move on and find someone else. Whether or not you should stay friends with these people is the tough part. I think being friends with him again is easier; all it requires is some forgiveness. Being friends with her again is tough, because every time you're with her those feelings will crop up again. I think being friends with her again will come down to you being able to put your feelings for her behind you, and moving on. It's not easy, but possible.

 

[Tom Servo]

^^Thats what Im leaning toward Flux, your post pretty much nailed it on the head. I don't know, I'm partially mad at myself just because they never would have met each other if it wasn't for me, and I feel like I unintentionally shot myself in the foot.

I do agree about the whole Bro code thing, but you know, maybe Im just idealistic about myself, but I would like to think I would take the life-long friendship over the girl. I mean me and him were great, great friends, practically family in some ways. Of course, Im not in his shoes, so I can't answer that question 100%.

Im not socially awkward, or an outcast in any way, I have a great group of friends, and make new ones all the time, I just suck at reading girls, and interpreting them (though I think that is a general male thing, not just me), and my pursuits and relationships usually end in a somewhat spectacular, or extremely coincidental fashions. It's not my fault I don't think, and when I do look back upon it, it is kinda funny in some ways.

I just posted this thread up to see a down the middle and unbiased reaction to this situation, cause she has people telling her to do what she wants, and I have my friends telling me that they can't believe either of them did this, so I wanted to get a view of people who know none of us.

 

[Kestra]

I'm not going to tell you what the right answer is here, because I don't think there is one, but I'll share a few thoughts.

- I've been the girl in a situation similar to this before, and ended up driving two friends apart. I didn't know this until after it was already done, and the friendships involved weren't as close as the ones here. There also wasn't a direct communication of intention, so really the first guy that expressed a desire for me is the one that ended up with me. Regardless, I felt really bad that I had driven them apart and I wished there had been a different way of doing things.

- I've also been in a situation where one guy liked me but was too shy, and sent his friend to ask me to hang out with them all the time. Of course, I ended up liking his friend and he returned feelings for me but we didn't act on them. This also felt shitty because there was a guy who cared about me the same way I cared about him, yet we felt we couldn't be together because of someone I had no romantic feelings for. It didn't seem quite fair.

- An ideal friend would not date your ex, someone you had been in love with, etc. He would put the friendship first.

- An ideal friend would not expect you to pass on a girl for his own happiness; he would wish you well in an unselfish way.

- No one is an ideal friend.

- You still have strong feelings for this girl and are unlikely to be able to have a jealousy-free friendship with her as long as she dates your friend (or perhaps any other guy).

- If you decide to try and salvage your friendship with her, this will involve forgiveness for your friend. You cannot have one without the other in a situation like this. It will end badly if you go back into the friendship with anything less than these intentions and one or all of you will end up getting hurt as a result of this.

I know it's a difficult situation but the most you can do is to be the best person possible. This involves taking a look at yourself and recognizing your own limitations. We are, after all, only human.

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

I'm sorry, but I have to go into the category of you being a little selfish here. Have you really accepted that you and Sarah won't be together? If you have then you'd accept that Sarah will be with someone else. Is your friend a good guy? Then be happy for Sarah that she has found a good guy. You said friends should sacrifice for each other, but you are asking your friend to sacrifice something very real and tangible for you while at the same time you are not willing to sacrifice your jealousy. I don't begrudge you if it hurts you too much to see them together because you still have feelings for the girl. In that case it probably is best to not be around them. But I can't agree with your believing they are doing something to you that requires you terminating the friendships.

 

[LaxScrutiny]

When she says she doesn't have feelings for you, this means that sooner or later she is going to be with someone, it means you get over it. You have to deal with the possiblity it could be your best friend, it could be your cousin, your brother, whoever. She told you there was nothing there, she did her part.

Your feelings of betrayal are feelings that you had some kind of "dibs" on her, and you didn't. In theory you recognize that it's a free country, but deep inside you don't. She owes you nothing. Period.

Your buddy called you to ask if he could call her. IMHO you were willfully blind there, of course he wanted to ask her out. In his mind he was giving you the heads up, he does not have to spell out everything he does.

You don't seem capable of being "friends" with her. If you were her friend only, you would have been matchmaking and setting her up with your buddy, since she obviously wasn't into you. That's what her girlfriend would have done. You aren't separating your romantic feelings from your friendship.

You have absolutely no business giving your friends an ultimatum. If you can't handle them being together, maybe you can't help that, but you don't have the option of controlling their lives. The proper thing to have done if you can't suck it up, is to discreetly drift out of their lives, stop calling them, have an excuse to be busy when either of them calls. Let it go.

You shouldn't be trying to stay friends with her if you can't handle the fact she's dating your buddy. Any ill will, any hurt feelings, any problems, you are bringing down on your own head. From your attitude so far, you will try to blame them for hurting you, but really, you just can't let it go.

You come across as though you want to stay "friends" in the hopes that eventually you will get her. Why? Because you won't stay friends with your buddy, whom you've known even longer. Just her. You don't want in your buddy's pants, so he doesn't matter.

Just let it go and leave them be. Get a new social circle. Don't fall for a girl until she asks you out.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I'll be the first to admit that unrequited feelings really suck, but that's no reason to sacrifice two friendships. It's not like either of them set out to hurt you. The only reason you're hurt at all is because is you want to be--you're upset she didn't choose you, and now you want to take it out on them. What is there to gain from that?

 

[JiNX-01]

Without having read everyone else's reply, I'm guessing that my response could be extremely redundant but ...

The only person you are punishing here is yourself. You've killed a friendship with your buddy. You're straining the friendship with this girl who will eventually give you the kiss off.

They hit it off right away. That very often MEANS SOMETHING.

You have been wasting all this time licking your wounds instead of being on the lookout for someone who could have hit it off with YOU.

Get on with your life. Make up with those two and wish them the best. Someday you might want them to be attendants at your wedding.

 

[Hennessy Badger]

Wow. That sounds like a really crappy situation to be in. I'm sorry your friends did that to you.

I personally think you are completely justified for feeling screwed over here. Because you kinda were. Being mad at them doesn't make you petty or selfish ...it makes you human.

Don't let others here make you feel as if you are somehow in the wrong - because you're not.

My only advice would be to not treat one of your friends with favor over the other. They BOTH did you wrong. So if you're going to forgive one, you really should forgive the other.

 

[nevermore]

You're being incredibly childish, selfish and jealous. She doesn't like you and shouldn't have to shape her life around the fact that you like her. Get over it and grow up.

The question of whether or not you should remain friends with them should be irrelevant; quite frankly, they shouldn't want to remain friends with you at this point since apparently you consider friendship to be all about you. you never had a chance with her; why would you begrudge someone you supposedly care about the possibility of having what you can't? Fucking ridiculous.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Friends or not, you can't stad in the way of another person's feelings just because you care for that person. Even if they aren't right for each other in the end, well ... that happens quite often in the dating world. She'll find out soon enough.

Some say lvoe is a river, and you are beign a DAM.

White bird must fly or she will get pissed off at you for trying to stop her.

And all that jazz.

 

[Finn]

Yeah, you shouldn't have given them the ultimatum. They have the right to be in love with each other.

 

[Tom Servo]

Well I do want to thank everyone for the replies...

I honestly have tried to live my lives and my relationships as morally best I can. My intentions in this whole situation weren't intended to be petty, or selfish or childish, it's just how I feel, and that dictated my actions, logical or not, petty or not.

I mean this isn't the first time in my life where I have seen someone I want go off with one of my friends, and honestly, usually I don't do or say anything about it, since it's not my place. I think because it's this situation and circumstance is something I never considered or worried about when I was with her before she met Bob, so when it happened, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I do realize completely that I don't have dibs or control over her, nor do I have the right, but it still doesn't make it feel any better. I will disagree however with those saying Bob gave me a heads up. Im sorry, I just don't feel that way. I really do think in that kind of situation, that it is a courtesy, especially between good friends, to state your intentions.

I think I did the ultimatum because it was a situation I had no control of (nor did I have the right to I suppose), and if felt like I was the only person who had anything to lose in the situation, so I tried to level the playing field.

It just hurts watching someone you want going off with someone else you know, especially someone you brought then together with. I was very close with her, and quite close with him, so in the order of a month to see them get even closer to each other while I watch was just crappy to watch.

As to fixing this whole thing, yes those who say that I can't be mad at one and not the other are right. I feel like the friendship part of me and her is just as mad at her as I am at him, but the romantic part is still what keeps me close to her. Perhaps I should just step away from her totally for a while, get over her in that way, and then start again so I can look at both relationships on a level playing field, and try to repair them.