Random characters' Kobayashi Maru

[F. King Daniel]

John Harriman:
Sees Klingon ships, runs screaming from simulator.

Reg Barclay:
Hears distress signal, frets about what to do for 90 minutes, test ends.

Kathryn Janeway :
Fails test. 30 years later goes back in time and gives herself advanced technology in order to beat the test.

Will Riker:
Cocks head at 45-degree angle. Puts leg up on helm console. Separates saucer section repeatedly.

Ben Sisko:
Prays really hard to the prophets, Klingon ships disappear.

Admiral Marcus:
Fails test. Comes back with mile-long black deathship designed by Khan Noonien Singh. Is then killed by Khan who goes on to single-handedly conquer the Klingon Empire.

Captain Picard:
Calls a staff meeting to discuss the subject of the Kobayshi Maru distress signal. Staff meeting is derailed by Data's attempts to understand humour, the Kobayshi Maru is forgotten and the test ends.

Worf:
Kills two of the three Klingon ships in a suicide run, smashes simulator in warrior rage afterward.

Sherlock
Beats test, but never explains how. Several possible scenarios play throughout the next episode but none quite fit the facts.

Brock Lesnar
Climbs outside of ship and suplexes Klingon battlecruisers into submission.

Donald Trump
Keeps telling his crew they're gonna win, that they'll build a neutral zone and make the Klingons pay for it, leaves in escape pod just prior to starship destruction.

 

[Spot261]

Troi

Senses the Klingons are experiencing feelings of aggression

 

[JonnyQuest037]

John Harriman:
Test rescheduled for Tuesday.

Valeris:
Makes a behind-the-scenes deal with the Klingons to allow her to rescue the ship.

 

[Jedi Marso]

Jellico: Commands Red Alert, violates the neutral zone and commences pounding of enemy vessels. Is stymied just before beaming out the KM survivors when his first officer begins questioning orders and the remainder of the crew starts whining along with him. Klingons destroy the ship just as Jellicoe relieves his first officer of duty. Test complete.

 

[USS Triumphant]

Neelix: Figures out that the Klingons are only attacking because they're hangry (hungry/angry). Replicates something called a "Snickers" for each of them, and then rescues the Kobayashi Maru with their assistance.

Worf: Figures out that the scenario takes place in the 2240s, blows up the Maru and calls the Klingon ships to tell them that he has captured the Federation vessel he is on for the glory of the Empire. Intends to use a position of honor in the Empire to make sure his birth parents are never betrayed and killed, but instead ends up bogged down in a dead-end legal career, culminating in the high profile defense of Captains Kirk and McCoy in the Klingon High Court. (CANON VIOLATION! )

 

[Nerys Myk]

McCOY. Grumbles he's a doctor not a soldier. Defeats the test any way.

UHURA: Opens hailing frequencies. Does fan dance. The Klingons, the computers and the proctors all explode a la the Fembots in Austin Powers.

CHEKOV: Starts telling the Klingons about how Bloodwine was invented by a little old lady in Russia. The Klingons beat a hasty retreat to escape.

SULU: Uses his newly acquired hobby of singing Klingon Opera to impress the Klingons. Brought to tears they let the ship go.

SCOTTY: Uses transpwarp beaming formula to send strike teams to the Klingon ships. Is disappointed that as the CO he can't exaggerate the time will take, do it in less and look like a miracle worker.

 

[The Wormhole]

Archer: Stands up and delivers a speech about gazelles. Everyone else stares with confusion, including simulate crews of the Kobayashi Maru and Klingon ships. This is somehow considered a victory.
Admiral Ross: Makes a deal with Section 31 to put the test on its easy setting.
Garak: Ignored the distress call. It was obviously a trap.
Admiral Ackbar: Screams "It's a trap!" then diverts his attention to those Birds of Prey which are for some reason staying off to the side and not attacking.
Captain Robau: Something badass.
Captain Tom Chandler: Leads an assault team to take over one of the Klingon ships, use it to destroy another, so that both the captured Klingon ship and the Enterprise can take out the third Klingon ship in a concentrated attack.

 

[Captain Clark Terrell]

<-------------------------------------------------------: Attempts to rescue ship but fails and vaporizes self with phaser when Klingons board Reliant.

Rachel Garrett: Travels into future and discovers that her failure to fail the test in her own time resulted in a protracted war with the Klingons.

 

[Tim Thomason]

Captain Travis Mayweather: Saves the Kobayashi Maru and beats a hasty retreat. The Klingons never even notice he was there.

Captain Trip Tucker: Blows himself up. I'm not quite sure what that was supposed to accomplish. It was all a hologram though, so it doesn't matter.

Captain Will Riker: Goes in a simulation within the simulation to see what Captain Archer did with the real Kobayashi Maru. Cooks food for everyone instead.

Captain Nero: FIRE EVERYTHING! <promptly gets captured by Klingons and is stuck in the simulation for 25 years>

 

[The Wormhole]

Captain Esteban: Barely has time to order evasive maneuvers before ship gets blown up. Klingon gunner gets executed in a vaporization visual effect of questionable quality.
Commodore Decker: Beams his crew onto the Kobayashi Maru, which then gets destroyed by the Klingons.
Captain Maxwell: Avenges the loss of the Kobayashi Maru by launching unprovoked attacks on any and all Klingon ships he meets up with until an old war buddy shows up and sings to him.
Deanna Troi: After repeatedly failing the test realizes the solution is to order Geordi to his death. Passes the test.
Rick Harrison: Offers to pay the Klingons for the Kobayashi Maru. Klingon Commander says he wants five hundred thousand credits. Rick says the best he can do is forty thousand credits. Deal is eventually made at sixty-three thousand credits after a well-bearded expert is called in to offer his opinion on the matter.

 

[Nerys Myk]

Bill Adama: Stares. Klingons retreat. Beg for peace. Join the Federation.

 

[Bry_Sinclair]

James T. Kirk: Realises the Klingon Captain is a buxom female, whom he woos and gives space herpes too, the dishonour of which forces her to withdraw her ships.

Kira Nerys: Beams over and beats up every single Klingon single-handed.

 

[Arpy]

Jellico: Commands Red Alert, violates the neutral zone and commences pounding of enemy vessels. Is stymied just before beaming out the KM survivors when his first officer begins questioning orders and the remainder of the crew starts whining along with him. Klingons destroy the ship just as Jellicoe relieves his first officer of duty. Test complete.

The Cult of Jellico. If I'm not following Picard through the gates of Hell, I'm certainly not following his substitute.

Jellico:
Tries to outfox the Klingons at their own game; gets eaten by bears.

Picard:
Offers Klingons diplomatic concessions for one-time crossing. Klingons reply "¡ch-THis iS'wHY w'Can'not H've n-ICe th'INGS!" and attack. History never forgets the name Enterprise as all ships destroyed.

Data:
Saves all crews, steadily streaming apologies and politenesses as positronic brain outruns simulation.
Captain Klaa, Jr.: Wait! You said you would kill me.
Data: I lied. My apologies.
Receives Starfleet Decoration for Gallantry
(And Imperial Fatwa)

 

[Tim Thomason]

Captain Picard: "Commander, both our ships are ready to fight. We have two extremely powerful and destructive arsenals at our command. Our next actions will have serious repercussions. We have good reason to mistrust one another, but we have better reasons to set our differences aside. Now, of course, the question is, who will take the initiative? Who will make the first gesture of trust? The answer is, I will. I must lower our shields to beam these men from the Kobayashi Maru. Once the shields are down, you will of course have the opportunity to fire on us. If you do, you will destroy not only the Enterprise and its crew, but the peace that the Klingons and the Federation now enjoy. Lieutenant, lower the shields. Leave the hailing frequency open."

The Enterprise is destroyed.

 

[1001001]

Troi

Senses the Klingons are experiencing feelings of aggression

Promptly crashes Enterprise into the nearest planet.

John Harriman:
Test rescheduled for Tuesday.

 

[The Wormhole]

Batman: On account of having time to prepare he's winning against the Klingons, until the Klingon commander starts saying "Martha." Batman then screams "WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT NAME?!!" Upon learning Martha is the name of the Klingon commander's mother, just like his own mother, Batman realizes the Klingons aren't his enemies and the two of them work together to rescue the Kobayashi Maru.
Morn: Chats the Klingons up to the point they pull a retreat, which Morn then launches an attack and takes them out while their guard is down. What, how do we know he's not a brilliant tactician?
Han Solo: Instantly open fires on the Klingons when the show up, defeating them. In the special edition, the Klingons fire first, but don't score a hit despite being in what passes as point blank range in space.
Chuck Norris: Takes on the Klingon battlecruisers with his bare hands. And wins.

 

[dswynne1]

Donald Trump
Keeps telling his crew they're gonna win, that they'll build a neutral zone and make the Klingons pay for it, leaves in escape pod just prior to starship destruction.

Hillary Rodham Clinton
Sets up her own simulator to "game" the scenario to her favor, but is immediately hacked by the Bynars after they are hired by Klingons.

 

[B.J.]

Scotty: Beams tribbles onto the Klingon ships. They blow themselves up just to get rid of the things.

 

[JoeCabby]

Riddick: Beams aboard the lead Klingon ship, kills the captain, keeps what he kills then goes ahead and destroys the starfleet ship anyway.

 

[Nerys Myk]

Will Smith: One little fight and his mom gets scared. She sends him to move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
Sisko: Tricks the Romulans into attacking the Klingons. Igniting a decades long war that costs millions of lives. Feels bad about it.