Pitch terrible ideas for episodes
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Brannon, I found this old 2005 email the other day and wanted to offer you tips on how to improve your game in future writing projects. I'll offer constructive criticism as best I can.
Your friend,
Ira
Star Trek: Enterprise
5x13 "The Messenger"
When the crew of Enterprise discovers a mysterious alien device emitting a subspace signal in whale-song, they find themselves trapped inside a volcano set to blow.
Alright, first things first, Brannon. What does a volcano have anything to do with a damn whale? You realize, of course, that whales live in the ocean and would probably not have anything to do with volcanoes, right? I'd go so far as to say lava is the polar elemental opposite of the location in which whales exist.
This also sounds eerily familiar. But we'll get to that.
The whale-song device turns out to be a thing from the future -- it is in fact the very same device that attempted to make contact with Earth's whales in the fourth feature film. It has been slingshot back into the 22nd Century due to timeline-tampering by an unknown force.
...so it literally is the plot device from the fourth movie. How... uninspiring. Not to mention, I hope you aren't going for 'fourth-act stunning revelation' or anything here because the foreshadowing is so thick I could very probably get lost in it.
To speak nothing of this timeline crap. I thought your team opted to steer clear of this going forward? Do you not remember the rampant cheers across fandom for your fourth season's success? Remember how it had nothing to do with the Temporal Cold War apart from that opening gig? What did Manny have to say about this, anyway? Did you even tell him? Should I?
Once trapped inside the volcano, Phlox must make the ultimate sacrifice in order to save the rest of the crew. He stays behind to absorb the lava, causing a chain reaction that sends everyone back several days -- before the device is found. This enables the crew to knowingly veer off-course, avoiding the volcano, but at a price... Phlox's death.
Wait a minute. Wait a flipping minute. I do not in any way, shape or form exaggerate when I posit the following question, Brannon: what?
This doesn't even begin to make sense. Firstly, allow me to touch upon something I didn't bother going near before because this has crossed the threshold (remember that one?) into shear lunacy. How is anyone alive after being trapped inside a volcano? This is a pretty big question, Brannon, one you may have wished to fact-check somewhere between 'outside volcano' and 'inside volcano' for fear of scorching your entire cast of characters. I can only hope this wasn't on-location.
Furthermore, what exactly can a doctor do to save anyone in such a situation? What did he even do? He absorbed the lava? Shouldn't everyone be absorbed into the lava instantaneously? If not, how does lava absorption fix anything? How does Phlox even do it? I remember watching an episode of your show a few years back (something about Bakula stuck in sickbay all night; I apologize but I simply could not get through it) and he did something with his cheeks -- puffed them up like a hamster or something -- is this what he did? Did he puff up his cheeks and absorb the lava? Does this not sound bad to you at all?
How does the crew know to avoid anything? It doesn't sound like there's any answer to this one whatsoever. To say nothing of Phlox dying... again. In the past. Or... something. I have to be upfront with you here, Brannon, I have no idea what the hell is going on. I mean, I'm Ira Steven Behr. I dye my goddamned beard. I am not just some 'normal' person who 'doesn't get' things because they're too 'weird'. But this is unspeakably nonsensical. This reminds me that "Profit and Lace" was a good episode no matter what the fans tell me. This is pure garbage.
Guest Star Vaughn Armstrong as 'Whale #1'
You've got to be kidding me.
Your acquaintance,
Ira
Your friend,
Ira
Star Trek: Enterprise
5x13 "The Messenger"
When the crew of Enterprise discovers a mysterious alien device emitting a subspace signal in whale-song, they find themselves trapped inside a volcano set to blow.
Alright, first things first, Brannon. What does a volcano have anything to do with a damn whale? You realize, of course, that whales live in the ocean and would probably not have anything to do with volcanoes, right? I'd go so far as to say lava is the polar elemental opposite of the location in which whales exist.
This also sounds eerily familiar. But we'll get to that.
The whale-song device turns out to be a thing from the future -- it is in fact the very same device that attempted to make contact with Earth's whales in the fourth feature film. It has been slingshot back into the 22nd Century due to timeline-tampering by an unknown force.
...so it literally is the plot device from the fourth movie. How... uninspiring. Not to mention, I hope you aren't going for 'fourth-act stunning revelation' or anything here because the foreshadowing is so thick I could very probably get lost in it.
To speak nothing of this timeline crap. I thought your team opted to steer clear of this going forward? Do you not remember the rampant cheers across fandom for your fourth season's success? Remember how it had nothing to do with the Temporal Cold War apart from that opening gig? What did Manny have to say about this, anyway? Did you even tell him? Should I?
Once trapped inside the volcano, Phlox must make the ultimate sacrifice in order to save the rest of the crew. He stays behind to absorb the lava, causing a chain reaction that sends everyone back several days -- before the device is found. This enables the crew to knowingly veer off-course, avoiding the volcano, but at a price... Phlox's death.
Wait a minute. Wait a flipping minute. I do not in any way, shape or form exaggerate when I posit the following question, Brannon: what?
This doesn't even begin to make sense. Firstly, allow me to touch upon something I didn't bother going near before because this has crossed the threshold (remember that one?) into shear lunacy. How is anyone alive after being trapped inside a volcano? This is a pretty big question, Brannon, one you may have wished to fact-check somewhere between 'outside volcano' and 'inside volcano' for fear of scorching your entire cast of characters. I can only hope this wasn't on-location.
Furthermore, what exactly can a doctor do to save anyone in such a situation? What did he even do? He absorbed the lava? Shouldn't everyone be absorbed into the lava instantaneously? If not, how does lava absorption fix anything? How does Phlox even do it? I remember watching an episode of your show a few years back (something about Bakula stuck in sickbay all night; I apologize but I simply could not get through it) and he did something with his cheeks -- puffed them up like a hamster or something -- is this what he did? Did he puff up his cheeks and absorb the lava? Does this not sound bad to you at all?
How does the crew know to avoid anything? It doesn't sound like there's any answer to this one whatsoever. To say nothing of Phlox dying... again. In the past. Or... something. I have to be upfront with you here, Brannon, I have no idea what the hell is going on. I mean, I'm Ira Steven Behr. I dye my goddamned beard. I am not just some 'normal' person who 'doesn't get' things because they're too 'weird'. But this is unspeakably nonsensical. This reminds me that "Profit and Lace" was a good episode no matter what the fans tell me. This is pure garbage.
Guest Star Vaughn Armstrong as 'Whale #1'
You've got to be kidding me.
Your acquaintance,
Ira
Ira, your points are well taken. I've reflected on some of the more questionable choices I made and I believe you're right in asserting that it's best that particular episode wasn't made.
That said, however, I was recently mulling over unused scripts from your show's sixth season. Apparently this one got shoved aside and replaced with the last-minute "Far Beyond The Stars", against your wishes. There are no words to describe the irony there.
I'd like to take a spin at this too, buddy.
-Brannon
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
6x13 "Diaphragm of Evil"
Returning to the station from a seemingly simple mission to Ferenginar, Quark and Rom spread a deadly lung disease across the population... and the only cure is laughter.
Oh, this sounds totally appropriate for the middle of a war. Also, that episode title is legendary. As in, none would ever forget how frighteningly bad it is. Please tell me this is a working title. In fact, don't even tell me that. This must be a joke. May I click my heels together now?
As patients begin piling into sickbay, Bashir orders Bajoran pay-per-view service. Sitcoms prove key to proper breathing but as the doctor himself begins to suffer from the effects of the disease, he demands a station-wide game of strip poker be played at Quark's.
These Ferengi episodes get a bad rap sometimes, I've been told. I can't possibly imagine why.
Sisko experiences another vision in which the entire Alpha Quadrant is made to entertain Bashir's delusions. Kai Winn returns to Deep Space Nine to escape the naked Bajoran masses. Quark is held hostage in a Nausicaan power play. Worf is impervious to laughter and lies on his deathbed. Kasidy Yates reveals a shocking truth. Weyoun brings tidings from the Dominion. Odo learns he is pregnant with Lwaxana Troi's child. Damar gets drunk. Jake and Nog get caught in a concentration camp. Kira and O'Brien wake up next to one-another. It's a non-stop comedy thrill ride.
Um. If you say so, Ira.
Look, I can't make heads or tails of any of that. I mean, I guess I can, but I really don't want to. Some of your comedy skits, man, they're just out there. And what are all these people even getting into? I get that there's a lung disease rampant but how has it affected Bajor? It doesn't seem to have spread there. And why are Nausicaans involved? And is Worf OK?
What is Kasidy's shocking truth and why is it remotely relevant? How is Weyoun even allowed anywhere near the station, or is this supposed to be a 'deep, ironic' statement? Odo... Odo... What? Damar getting drunk seems par for the course, why is it in your script treatment? Why are Jake and Nog... why are Kira and O'Brien... this is madness!
Eventually, it is discovered that everything happened within Sisko's mind. He was being prepared for a great tragedy to come. He passed with flying colors. At the end of the hour a powerful introspective comes in the form of Sisko telling Quark that sometimes, all you need is laughter. He then orders the entire station to join him for a game of strip poker.
Odo remains pregnant with Lwaxana Troi's child.
I officially give up.
Hopelessly Confounded,
Brannon
That said, however, I was recently mulling over unused scripts from your show's sixth season. Apparently this one got shoved aside and replaced with the last-minute "Far Beyond The Stars", against your wishes. There are no words to describe the irony there.
I'd like to take a spin at this too, buddy.
-Brannon
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
6x13 "Diaphragm of Evil"
Returning to the station from a seemingly simple mission to Ferenginar, Quark and Rom spread a deadly lung disease across the population... and the only cure is laughter.
Oh, this sounds totally appropriate for the middle of a war. Also, that episode title is legendary. As in, none would ever forget how frighteningly bad it is. Please tell me this is a working title. In fact, don't even tell me that. This must be a joke. May I click my heels together now?
As patients begin piling into sickbay, Bashir orders Bajoran pay-per-view service. Sitcoms prove key to proper breathing but as the doctor himself begins to suffer from the effects of the disease, he demands a station-wide game of strip poker be played at Quark's.
These Ferengi episodes get a bad rap sometimes, I've been told. I can't possibly imagine why.
Sisko experiences another vision in which the entire Alpha Quadrant is made to entertain Bashir's delusions. Kai Winn returns to Deep Space Nine to escape the naked Bajoran masses. Quark is held hostage in a Nausicaan power play. Worf is impervious to laughter and lies on his deathbed. Kasidy Yates reveals a shocking truth. Weyoun brings tidings from the Dominion. Odo learns he is pregnant with Lwaxana Troi's child. Damar gets drunk. Jake and Nog get caught in a concentration camp. Kira and O'Brien wake up next to one-another. It's a non-stop comedy thrill ride.
Um. If you say so, Ira.
Look, I can't make heads or tails of any of that. I mean, I guess I can, but I really don't want to. Some of your comedy skits, man, they're just out there. And what are all these people even getting into? I get that there's a lung disease rampant but how has it affected Bajor? It doesn't seem to have spread there. And why are Nausicaans involved? And is Worf OK?
What is Kasidy's shocking truth and why is it remotely relevant? How is Weyoun even allowed anywhere near the station, or is this supposed to be a 'deep, ironic' statement? Odo... Odo... What? Damar getting drunk seems par for the course, why is it in your script treatment? Why are Jake and Nog... why are Kira and O'Brien... this is madness!
Eventually, it is discovered that everything happened within Sisko's mind. He was being prepared for a great tragedy to come. He passed with flying colors. At the end of the hour a powerful introspective comes in the form of Sisko telling Quark that sometimes, all you need is laughter. He then orders the entire station to join him for a game of strip poker.
Odo remains pregnant with Lwaxana Troi's child.
I officially give up.
Hopelessly Confounded,
Brannon
^ Jeff. Jesus stop! You're killing me... 
I can totally see that kinda shit going back and forth.
-
I can totally see that kinda shit going back and forth.
-
Haha, yeah, me too.
DS9: Grades of Shay
Lwaxana Troi arrives on DS9 again. Unfortunately, she has some kind of fever, that causes replaying all her love adventures throughout her life in her mind. While she's lying unconscious in Sickbay, Odo (still as her husband) has to babysit for her baby.
Hey, it vomited on the entire front of my uniform! Hmph!
Lwaxana Troi arrives on DS9 again. Unfortunately, she has some kind of fever, that causes replaying all her love adventures throughout her life in her mind. While she's lying unconscious in Sickbay, Odo (still as her husband) has to babysit for her baby.
Hey, it vomited on the entire front of my uniform! Hmph!
TOS: Claws of Mayhem
Catian pirates are attacking colonies on the edge of Federation space. The Enterprise is dispatched to deal with them, but is ambushed by a fleet of Catian marauders. The Catians board the Enterprise, where Kirk is shocked to discover they are all female. They hold the crew hostage save for a few redshirts, nurses, and McCoy, who barricaded themselves in sickbay. Kirk tries to get the Catians to turn against each other by asking who will claim him as their prize, but is rebuffed and nearly dragged off to communal snu-snu. Trapped in a turbolift, Kirk is forced to pray that McCoy can synthesize enough CTNP sedative before the Catians can get to him.
Catian pirates are attacking colonies on the edge of Federation space. The Enterprise is dispatched to deal with them, but is ambushed by a fleet of Catian marauders. The Catians board the Enterprise, where Kirk is shocked to discover they are all female. They hold the crew hostage save for a few redshirts, nurses, and McCoy, who barricaded themselves in sickbay. Kirk tries to get the Catians to turn against each other by asking who will claim him as their prize, but is rebuffed and nearly dragged off to communal snu-snu. Trapped in a turbolift, Kirk is forced to pray that McCoy can synthesize enough CTNP sedative before the Catians can get to him.
Forget episodes and pitches, here's a film someone actually made earlier. It's called Bring Back Kirk, but I think a more appropriate name would be: Shatnerverse Episode 1: Fanwank Explosion
[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJHANrzMSlk[/yt]
[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJHANrzMSlk[/yt]
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That thing is a trailer? It told an entire story!
A very fanwank story. Wow.
A very fanwank story. Wow.
ENT - 6x13 The Shores
The Enterprise crew follows a group of rogue Ferengi through a temporal rift back to the early 21st century. With the help of some cosmetic surgery, the Ferengi manage to blend into society and find success on television as the cast of Jersey Shore. The Enterprise crew never manages to find them.
The Enterprise crew follows a group of rogue Ferengi through a temporal rift back to the early 21st century. With the help of some cosmetic surgery, the Ferengi manage to blend into society and find success on television as the cast of Jersey Shore. The Enterprise crew never manages to find them.
Trelane
Lieutenant Commander
"Star Trek: TNG"
"Return To Oz"
Set after the Dominion War (& ~right before~ the start of Wesley's career as Assistant Chief Engineer of the U.S.S. Titan,) "Junior/Q" returns after being inspired by one of Dad's anecdotes about Farpoint, to plague Wesley and Worf. Worf momentarily returns from The Klingon Empire to assume the position of First Officer of the Enterprise-E as he awaits the arrival of Captain Morgan Bateson to temporarily assume leadership as Bev & Jean-Luc are back on Earth (in the event of an official emergency.)
Wesley has to cope with the icky prospect of his mother waddling around, knocked-up by Jean-Luc Picard.
So, Wesley joins Geordi, B4, and Reg on one of their engineering-related holodeck visits as Geordi is experimenting with a new virtual probe design that nearly failed on the U.S.S. Hera, as the Enterprise is docked at Starfleet Headquarters.
Something goes wrong on the holodeck at the moment B4 interfaces with Geordi's simulation to increase accuracy, when a sub-system snafu's after a Species 8472 / Undine saboture simultaneously initiates a program to covertly hack classified files.
Junior decides at that moment to amuse himself, transfering them from the Utopia Planetia simulation, turning B4 into the Tin Man, Wesley into Dorothy, and Reg into the cowardly lion from "The Wizard Of Oz". Geordi has to find his way through Oz to his co-horts before the safeties will release and authorize the program to discontinue. Worf has to track the Undine saboture and deal with the Klingon-leary "Bulldog" Bateson observing his response to the crisis.
"Return To Oz"
Set after the Dominion War (& ~right before~ the start of Wesley's career as Assistant Chief Engineer of the U.S.S. Titan,) "Junior/Q" returns after being inspired by one of Dad's anecdotes about Farpoint, to plague Wesley and Worf. Worf momentarily returns from The Klingon Empire to assume the position of First Officer of the Enterprise-E as he awaits the arrival of Captain Morgan Bateson to temporarily assume leadership as Bev & Jean-Luc are back on Earth (in the event of an official emergency.)
Wesley has to cope with the icky prospect of his mother waddling around, knocked-up by Jean-Luc Picard.
So, Wesley joins Geordi, B4, and Reg on one of their engineering-related holodeck visits as Geordi is experimenting with a new virtual probe design that nearly failed on the U.S.S. Hera, as the Enterprise is docked at Starfleet Headquarters.
Something goes wrong on the holodeck at the moment B4 interfaces with Geordi's simulation to increase accuracy, when a sub-system snafu's after a Species 8472 / Undine saboture simultaneously initiates a program to covertly hack classified files.
Junior decides at that moment to amuse himself, transfering them from the Utopia Planetia simulation, turning B4 into the Tin Man, Wesley into Dorothy, and Reg into the cowardly lion from "The Wizard Of Oz". Geordi has to find his way through Oz to his co-horts before the safeties will release and authorize the program to discontinue. Worf has to track the Undine saboture and deal with the Klingon-leary "Bulldog" Bateson observing his response to the crisis.
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