Disclaimer: I enjoy Grant Morrison's take on Batman, am a fan of Batman Incorporated, and am looking forward to what's happnening next. This is all in good fun.
That being said...
"The Bat-Debriefing: Getting Updated On Batman"
Warning, some mild spoilers if you haven't read the one-shot Bruce Wayne: The Return, Batman Incorporated #6, or don't know what's on the horizon for The Outsiders.
Down in the Batcave, under Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne has gathered the entire Bat Family and their allies for an assembly. Everyone watches as Bruce Wayne makes his grand appearance, emerging from the shadows , in his new costume. Sure, it looks a lot like the costume from the '90s.. but it's a new costume. Everyone is watching, from Dick to Damian to the Outsiders.
Damian: What are the outsiders doing here?
Bruce: I needed them to make the crowd look larger. It's more dramatic.
Random Outsider: Hey!
Dick: So what is this assembly about?
Bruce: There have been a lot of changes since I've been gone, and there are going to be a lot more changes now that I'm back. First, we need to clean house. There are too many Robins.
Damian: ttt... I know who we can get rid of.
Tim: What's that supposed to mean?!
Bruce: Dick, we need you to stay a Batman so we can have someone to babysit Damian.
Damian: What?!
Tim tries hard to surpress a grin.
Dick: You know, now that you were back, I was kind of hoping I could be Nightwing again. Be my own man.
Bruce: Nope. I need you to be Batman.
Dick: ...
Bruce: And, Tim, you had a great idea starting the international, globe-trotting thing but I'm here now... so I'm sending you off to lead the Outsiders.
Tim: Thanks a lot.
Another Random Outsider: I'm starting to feel like we're not welcome...
Bruce (to Tim): That's what you get for stealing all my shares.
Third Random Outsider: He's not even acknowledging us!
Bruce: Did someone say something?
Dick: I have something to say! Aren't you supposed to be Batman? And isn't raising Damian YOUR responsibility?
Bruce: We'll get to that! But not only do we have too many Robins, we have too many Batgirls.
Stephanie: Why don't I like where this is going?
Bruce: Now, now. We can't have you starting anymore War Games!
Stephanie: That's not fair!
Bruce: Don't get ahead of me. We're shipping you off to England.
Stephanie: What?!
Bruce: Be cool, stay in school!
Stephanie: In England? Seriously?
Bruce: Next is Kate Kane.
Kate: But I'm Bat*woman*.
Bruce: Whatever. You're a lesbian, and your father's a way inside the military. You stay.
Kate: I don't think so.
Stephanie: Way to play favorites!
Bruce to turns to Barabara.
Bruce: Next...
Barbara: Don't even think about it.
Bruce (abruptly switching gears): ... is Cassandra.
Barbara: Where is she, anyway?
Bruce: She's... she's... in China... as, uhh.. Blackbat. Yeah, Blackbat!
Barbara: Did you just make that up?
Bruce: No, she's on a mission. A very important mission. It's all about the mission.
Dick (interrupting): And just what is the "mission"? And don't tell me we'll get to it.
Bruce: That's the main reason for this gathering. I'm going to found... Batman Incorporated.
Dick: Batman Incorporated?
Bruce: Yes! We'll expand from crime fighting to merchandizing. Everyone will get to have a shiny Bat symbol.
Bruce holds up a Batman pin.
Barbara: I can't wait...
Bruce: And this will just be the beginning! We're going to franchise! We'll hire Batpeople in every country!
Alfred: Are you going to start a reality program like the Apprentice?
Damian: Don't give father any ideas...
Bruce (contemplating it): Hmmm... but anyway, we'll have "Now Hiring" signs all across the globe. And applicants will be interviewed by Tim, Dick, and myself.
Tim: How can I be on an interview panel when I'm busy leading the Outsiders and controlling shares of your company? And still running the Teen Titans?!
Bruce: Details, details... (handing sheets to Tim an Dick)... here, these are the questions we'll ask during interviews.
Dick: "Why Batman Inc?" "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "What's your biggest weakness?"
Bruce: And Barbara will be our secretary and run our Human Resources Department.
Barbara: I will?!
Bruce: It's going to be a great future!
Stephanie: Says you.
The phone rings, Alfred sees Commissioner Gordon's name on the display.
Alfred: Master Bruce, it's the Commissioner.
Bruce: Not now, Alfred! I'm in the middle of a meeting.
Dick: I'll get it.
Bruce: No, no, wait. I have an idea.
Tim: Oh, no...
Bruce: Yes! While we're all here, there's no Batman on the streets! We'll make Commissioner Gordon Batman too! Here, Dick, give him a pin the next time you see him.
Dick: This from the guy who said there were too many Robins!
Bruce: There are never too many Batmen!
Everyone gets up and leaves.
Batman: Where are you all going?!
Dick: So there's Bat-Bruce and Bat-Dick, right?
Barbara: I think we're calling the wrong one Bat-Dick.
That being said...
"The Bat-Debriefing: Getting Updated On Batman"
Warning, some mild spoilers if you haven't read the one-shot Bruce Wayne: The Return, Batman Incorporated #6, or don't know what's on the horizon for The Outsiders.
Down in the Batcave, under Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne has gathered the entire Bat Family and their allies for an assembly. Everyone watches as Bruce Wayne makes his grand appearance, emerging from the shadows , in his new costume. Sure, it looks a lot like the costume from the '90s.. but it's a new costume. Everyone is watching, from Dick to Damian to the Outsiders.
Damian: What are the outsiders doing here?
Bruce: I needed them to make the crowd look larger. It's more dramatic.
Random Outsider: Hey!
Dick: So what is this assembly about?
Bruce: There have been a lot of changes since I've been gone, and there are going to be a lot more changes now that I'm back. First, we need to clean house. There are too many Robins.
Damian: ttt... I know who we can get rid of.
Tim: What's that supposed to mean?!
Bruce: Dick, we need you to stay a Batman so we can have someone to babysit Damian.
Damian: What?!
Tim tries hard to surpress a grin.
Dick: You know, now that you were back, I was kind of hoping I could be Nightwing again. Be my own man.
Bruce: Nope. I need you to be Batman.
Dick: ...
Bruce: And, Tim, you had a great idea starting the international, globe-trotting thing but I'm here now... so I'm sending you off to lead the Outsiders.
Tim: Thanks a lot.
Another Random Outsider: I'm starting to feel like we're not welcome...
Bruce (to Tim): That's what you get for stealing all my shares.
Third Random Outsider: He's not even acknowledging us!
Bruce: Did someone say something?
Dick: I have something to say! Aren't you supposed to be Batman? And isn't raising Damian YOUR responsibility?
Bruce: We'll get to that! But not only do we have too many Robins, we have too many Batgirls.
Stephanie: Why don't I like where this is going?
Bruce: Now, now. We can't have you starting anymore War Games!
Stephanie: That's not fair!
Bruce: Don't get ahead of me. We're shipping you off to England.
Stephanie: What?!
Bruce: Be cool, stay in school!
Stephanie: In England? Seriously?
Bruce: Next is Kate Kane.
Kate: But I'm Bat*woman*.
Bruce: Whatever. You're a lesbian, and your father's a way inside the military. You stay.
Kate: I don't think so.
Stephanie: Way to play favorites!
Bruce to turns to Barabara.
Bruce: Next...
Barbara: Don't even think about it.
Bruce (abruptly switching gears): ... is Cassandra.
Barbara: Where is she, anyway?
Bruce: She's... she's... in China... as, uhh.. Blackbat. Yeah, Blackbat!
Barbara: Did you just make that up?
Bruce: No, she's on a mission. A very important mission. It's all about the mission.
Dick (interrupting): And just what is the "mission"? And don't tell me we'll get to it.
Bruce: That's the main reason for this gathering. I'm going to found... Batman Incorporated.
Dick: Batman Incorporated?
Bruce: Yes! We'll expand from crime fighting to merchandizing. Everyone will get to have a shiny Bat symbol.
Bruce holds up a Batman pin.
Barbara: I can't wait...
Bruce: And this will just be the beginning! We're going to franchise! We'll hire Batpeople in every country!
Alfred: Are you going to start a reality program like the Apprentice?
Damian: Don't give father any ideas...
Bruce (contemplating it): Hmmm... but anyway, we'll have "Now Hiring" signs all across the globe. And applicants will be interviewed by Tim, Dick, and myself.
Tim: How can I be on an interview panel when I'm busy leading the Outsiders and controlling shares of your company? And still running the Teen Titans?!
Bruce: Details, details... (handing sheets to Tim an Dick)... here, these are the questions we'll ask during interviews.
Dick: "Why Batman Inc?" "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "What's your biggest weakness?"
Bruce: And Barbara will be our secretary and run our Human Resources Department.
Barbara: I will?!
Bruce: It's going to be a great future!
Stephanie: Says you.
The phone rings, Alfred sees Commissioner Gordon's name on the display.
Alfred: Master Bruce, it's the Commissioner.
Bruce: Not now, Alfred! I'm in the middle of a meeting.
Dick: I'll get it.
Bruce: No, no, wait. I have an idea.
Tim: Oh, no...
Bruce: Yes! While we're all here, there's no Batman on the streets! We'll make Commissioner Gordon Batman too! Here, Dick, give him a pin the next time you see him.
Dick: This from the guy who said there were too many Robins!
Bruce: There are never too many Batmen!
Everyone gets up and leaves.
Batman: Where are you all going?!
Dick: So there's Bat-Bruce and Bat-Dick, right?
Barbara: I think we're calling the wrong one Bat-Dick.
