Open Letter Thread, Volume XII

[Gryffindorian]

This is an "express yourself" thread just like the previous ones.

* * *

Dear Fidelity,

Quit screwin' around! I want my 401K check ASAP, and you haven't delivered (literally and figuratively).

Sincerely,
Gryff

* * *

To "Delivery Guy" Chris:

You didn't have to rub it in by saying you were taking the day off today to go camping or whatever with your wife. It's not like I asked. Other than that, you seem like a nice guy--always polite and friendly, and way too customer-oriented, you probably have to take it down a notch.

Regards,
Gryff

* * *

 

[RandyS]

Dear "You Know Who You Are":

I know where you live, and I'm going to get you.

Best Wishes,
RandyS

 

[PKTrekGirl]

Oh...I haven't played in a thread like this in a long while.


Dear Petty Person,

Oh, come ON!!!

REALLY??? You're kiddin', right? Right?

*sigh*

Alright, then......Whatever.

*walks away smiling and shaking head in disbelief*

Love Anyway,

PK

 

[Kira's Mom]

To the idiot who almost ran me down in the Wegman's parking lot today because he was on his damned cell phone: F*** you. F*** you very much.

 

[auntiehill]

Dear neighbor:

Please don't come back. The entire neighborhood has decided that we'd prefer your white-trash ass didn't return.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Dear Brent Corrigan:

You're cute. You're hot. You're amazing. Wish I could make you my boytoy.

Regards,
Gryff

 

[Locutus of Bored]

Dear American newsmedia,

As someone who uses the 405/San Diego Freeway (the nation's busiest) in Southern California daily, and lives just a mile and a half away from it (where traffic coming off the freeway still gets backed up on surface streets during rush hour), I understand that the closure for expansion and repair this weekend is going to represent a huge - but necessary - inconvenience for hundreds of thousands of drivers.

However, when you make this national news and use ever so creative portmanteaus like CARMAGEDDON and CARPOCALYPSE to describe an event, you conjure up certain end of the world scenarios in one's head that don't really fit with something that's been announced well in advance and therefore should be easy enough to find an alternative route or mode of transport on a weekend.

For future reference, when I hear CARMAGEDDON and CARPOCALYPSE, I picture...

This guy directing traffic:

This being the typical road conditions:

And this being the type of soccer mom driven SUVs you might encounter:

Cordially, Max Rockatansky

 

[iguana_tonante]

Dear American newsmedia,

As someone who uses the 405/San Diego Freeway (the nation's busiest) in Southern California daily, and lives just a mile and a half away from it (where traffic coming off the freeway still gets backed up on surface streets during rush hour), I understand that the closure for expansion and repair this weekend is going to represent a huge - but necessary - inconvenience for hundreds of thousands of drivers.

However, when you make this national news and use ever so creative portmanteaus like CARMAGEDDON and CARPOCALYPSE to describe an event, you conjure up certain end of the world scenarios in one's head that don't really fit with something that's been announced well in advance and therefore should be easy enough to find an alternative route or mode of transport on a weekend.

Funnily enough, I just saw a report about this on an Italian newscast (granted, it was one of the shitty ones), including scenes from Armageddon and Mad Max. It was highly entertaining.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

Dear American newsmedia,

As someone who uses the 405/San Diego Freeway (the nation's busiest) in Southern California daily, and lives just a mile and a half away from it (where traffic coming off the freeway still gets backed up on surface streets during rush hour), I understand that the closure for expansion and repair this weekend is going to represent a huge - but necessary - inconvenience for hundreds of thousands of drivers.

However, when you make this national news and use ever so creative portmanteaus like CARMAGEDDON and CARPOCALYPSE to describe an event, you conjure up certain end of the world scenarios in one's head that don't really fit with something that's been announced well in advance and therefore should be easy enough to find an alternative route or mode of transport on a weekend.

Funnily enough, I just saw a report about this on an Italian newscast (granted, it was one of the shitty ones), including scenes from Armageddon and Mad Max. It was highly entertaining.

Carmageddon is worldwide? My God.

What was the angle they were reporting it under there? Was it a tourist advisory for Italians traveling to the Los Angeles area this weekend (since most of the international airports and many tourist spots in the region lie near the 405)?

 

[iguana_tonante]

No, it was a completely over-the-top, tongue-in-cheek "CARMAGEDDON IN LA!!!" report, played straight for laugh over the sheer outlandishness of it.

 

[Roger Wilco]

There was a (at the time cool, but now in hindsight probably shitty) computer game named Carmaggeddon once where you destroyed other cars with machine guns mounted on your car, that would be exciting if someone did that IRL in LA.

 

[Count Zero]

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that something like this would really be reported as Carmageddon and Carpocalypse by actual news outlets. What the fuck, America, what the fuck?

 

[Roger Wilco]

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that something like this would really be reported as Carmageddon and Carpocalypse by actual news outlets. What the fuck, America, what the fuck?

Are you saying that being in a traffic jam with your car is not the end of the world?`

 

[iguana_tonante]

The line between "actual new outlets" and "freaky sideshows" is becoming blurrier by the day, and as I can testify, unfortunately it's not limited to the US.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

There was a (at the time cool, but now in hindsight probably shitty) computer game named Carmaggeddon once where you destroyed other cars with machine guns mounted on your car, that would be exciting if someone did that IRL in LA.

I played that game. There was a level called Coastal Carnage that would be perfect for the 405. The sequel was called Carmageddon II: Carpocalypse Now.

My car is ready if anyone wants to mess with me:

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that something like this would really be reported as Carmageddon and Carpocalypse by actual news outlets. What the fuck, America, what the fuck?

A lot of it is played for laughs like iguana described, and it is going to be a major inconvenience for many people since it's the chief freeway for the LA area and the busiest freeway in the country (the 405 gets an average of 374,000 cars a day on it) so it does deserve coverage, but yeah, it's being blown way out of proportion.

JetBlue is offering short flights (29 miles/46 kilometers) between Burbank Airport and LAX for $4, which while a clever PR gimmick for them seems completely wasteful and silly to me.

 

[Gryffindorian]

A $4 airfare? You can't beat that!

 

[Locutus of Bored]

A $4 airfare? You can't beat that!

Well sure, if you don't mind posing naked for the Total Recall scanner or having the TSA get to second base without so much as taking you out to dinner first.

 

[think]

Deary

You are so pathetic! You need to grow up and be a man, I know you don't want to, but this is an adult responsibility of yours that you have to own up to. Really; we don't want you to get busted for this again.

think,

(Oh) PS if you do it again I will call the authorities -

 

[Yeoman Randi]

Dear Crazy Cat Lady Next Door,
Please stop putting out a dozen dishes of cat food. All it does is attract every cat within a one mile radius. Most of them are not fixed and are repopulating the species as we speak. I'm tired of smelling all the cat shit and piss from my living room.
Love,
Me
PS fuck you. I'll never be able to sell my house because of the stench.

 

[Gryffindorian]

^^^ OMG!!! Really? My family has lived in our current house for three years, and someone's cat has made a restroom out of our backyard. I don't hate cats or other people's pets, but please! If they can't control their animals, they have no business keeping them.