Nursing homes

[Miss Chicken]

At another forum I visited a woman was bitterly complaining about how we throw our elderly parents into nursing homes because we don't want to care for them. I pointed out that the majority of elderly people do not end up in nursing homes and are in fact cared for by their children.

My mother died earlier this month and was in her own home until two hours before she died. I made an offer a year ago for her to come and live with me if she could no longer look after herself. I would never have considered putting her into a nursing home.

My grandparents was in a nursing home for the last 9 weeks of my grandfather's life but this was because they lost their home in the bushfires of 1967 and had nowhere to go as they didn't want to be surrounded by small children and both their sons had small children. After a new home was built Grandma returned to it and lived there until her final illness.

My cousins looked after their parents at home almost to the end.

So I am asking people here - have many of your relatives ended up in nursing homes? Would you ever be likely to put your parents in a nursing home, or would you try to avoid that if you could?

 

[MLJames]

My grandmother lived with us when I was growing up. When I was a junior in high school she became seriously ill. After that crisis passed, she herself asked my father to put her in a nursing home. At the time, it was just the three of us at home. My mother had died nearly ten years before, and both my brothers had grown up and moved out. My grandmother realized that my father and I just couldn't give her the care she required.

Because all of this was on very short notice, we had to put her in the first place that opened up. That place was a barn. It stank, the staff were far from attentive, and Grandma said the owners of the home must have owned a chicken farm, because that's all that was ever served the residents. It was basically the stereotype of a nursing home as a warehouse for the elderly until they died.

Fortunately, about six months later we were able to get her into a far nicer facility run by the Lutheran Church. It was clean, bright, well-staffed, and it had a hospital attached to care for the residents. We visited her regularly right up to the point when my father was transferred out of state. After that, my oldest brother (who still lived in the area) kept up with the visits until she died about a year later. Grandma always told us not to worry about her, because she was in a good place with good people for company.

With my parents, well, my father has passed on, but my stepmother is still doing fine in her own home. If she needs help, she comes from a large family. There's me and my siblings, her grandchildren, and nieces and nephews by the score in the area. Whatever needs to be done, we do. If she ever feels she needs to go into a nursing home, it'll be her decision, not a case of the kids putting her in because we can't be bothered to take care of her.

 

[Marc]

My maternal grandparents lived at home until their deaths (grandmother in 1992, grandfather in 2006) but were both quiet healthy.

Some of my great aunts went into nursings homes but they were also sufferend from Alzheimers/dementia which complicated things (they were were all widows)

My paternal grandmother recently went into a nursing home but there's no-one to really look after her. Apart from that's she's estranged from her grandkids, I live in Canada now, my brother lives interestate and my sisters live on the other side of the city, my mum still works which leaves my dad (she's widowed for 20+ years and he's an only child) but he flitters his time between the North Coast of New South Wales and Los Angeles so that really only leaves a nursing home.

 

[Kestra]

None of my relatives have lived in nursing homes while I've been alive. My grandparents have all passed away while still living at home with extended family; my remaining grandfather travels between the US and India. I would resist settling my parents (or in-laws) in a nursing home but I also realise that for some people, it's the best choice. Being a caregiver is no easy task and in some situation that might be better left to a professional.

I volunteered in a nursing home when I was younger and it seemed like a pleasant place. We had fun with the residents, setting up events for them, putting on performances, etc.

 

[auntiehill]

My maternal grandmother was briefly in a nursing home, because she needed around-the-clock nursing care and had several heart attacks in rapid succession. She was also a mean old bat who literally struck out at anyone who tried to help her (not from dementia; she'd always been violent---which explains a lot about my dad). She died within a period of weeks, with most of her 8 children around her.

I know that my Dad, unless he dies from the heart failure or cancer in the near future, may most likely end up in a nursing home of some sort (although, considering MY parents, it will be a damn nice one). He has Alzheimer's, and although he'd been responding well to a new medication, the reprieve was temporary; he's starting to slide again. He (like his mother) gets very physically and verbally abusive when he's confused or frustrated. Mom has already broken a vertebrae trying to pick him up off the floor when he fell last year. They've even gone out and looked at some "assisted living" homes that provide Alzheimer's assistance. If the visiting nurse isn't enough, Dad might well end up in a home--but it will be very nice and close to the new house Mom is building.

If may sound horrible, but I hope his heart gives out before the Alzheimer's progresses much more, not just for his sake but for my Mom's as well.

As I have no children, and it doesn't look like we ever will, there is a distinct possibility that I and/or my husband could end up in a nursing home. There will, after all, be no one there in my old age. I'm already prodding hubby for "extended care" insurance, so we don't end up in a dump.

 

[TerokNor]

My great-grandmother was cared for by my grandmother. She had Alzheimer and it was very difficult for my grandmother. I can´t truly remember her, but my grandma says I was quite scared by my great grandmother.

My grandfather was cared for at home by my grandmother, my mother, his daughter and son. He died at home, like he wanted it to be.

My other grandmother killed herself young. The other grandfather I am not sure, how he died, but I think at home as well.

My aunt and uncle died in a hospitz. I mean this not really a nursing home, but also outside-(palliativ) care and it was the best way for them. They got everything they wished for there and also said themselves it was good to leave their house. However there was always family around, my mom also could stay there over night with my dog even, to not leave her sisters side. And there were always nurses and doctors and other people to help the dying, but also the relatives with the situation.

I think it NOT evil or whatever to give your parents into a nursing home. If it is possibel to care for them at home, thats great, but f you have to work a full time job to feed your family and what not and just cannot care for them the way they need it, I find it the better solution to give them into a GOOD nursing home. I have seen many, who got cared for at home by their relatives... and not always, but often, I thought they would have much more from life, if they would be in a nursing home, especially when the homes they lived in just were not made out for people with handicap.
Like I remember a man, who for about 6 years never took a bath or shower, because he could not get into the bath. He also could not truly move with the weelchare bcause there was no space. He could only sit in the very dark, smallish living room or lie in his bed and that was it.
Also if someone has Alzheimer I also think, that for all it can be better, if the one gets into a nusing home, though not a "normal" one, but really one specialized on Alzheimer, there are sort of "flat-mate-groups".

If my parents would be in the need of care I´d care for them, for sure. But I also know, they they would NOT want for me to sort of destroy myself, just to make it possibel they stay at home. If I feel I cannot give them the best care (and helpers coming at home to help me, like mobile nurses are not enough), I´d look for a place for them, where they can be happy, yes. I got to know some really good nursing homes, where the staff is friendly, where the old people can furnish the room like they want with their own things, where the athmosphere is just nice and bright, with things to do (outings, sports, baking etc.). I´d visit them often though, cause I also have seen people, who barely got visists from their families, once they were in the nursing home, that I find wrong. Even when in a nursing home, they should be part of the family and not just be left alone.

TerokNor

 

[RJDiogenes]

My mother died earlier this month

I didn't know that. My condolences.

So I am asking people here - have many of your relatives ended up in nursing homes? Would you ever be likely to put your parents in a nursing home, or would you try to avoid that if you could?

Two of my grandparents died at home, one of my grandmothers lived at home until about 24 hours before she died, and my other grandmother was in a succession of hospitals and rehabs for about a year before she died. I would certainly avoid putting either of my parents in a nursing home if at all possible; at the moment, there's no indication that it would ever be necessary. Even my father, sick as he is, gets around pretty well.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

My father had dementia the last few few years of his life. I moved him into an assisted living facility and then, as his condition deteriorated, a nursing home. The places were not perfect, but they were very nice, and they took good care of him.

As a single woman supporting herself, taking care of him myself was not an option. Plus I knew that I would not make a good caregiver. Many people who meet me sometimes comment that they could never work in corrections, as I did. Well, I could never work with people with dementia, whether they were family or not.

 

[C.E. Evans]

For those that say they would never do anything, that's only if you aren't desperate enough.

My grandmother spent the last year of her life in a nursing home. She had many illnesses going on simultaneously and she was bed-ridden. Due to a poorly-advised knee surgery, she was essentially paralyzed from the waist down. There was simply no way I could give her the care she really needed by myself (my mother had just recently had her leg amputated due to diabetes, so I found myself taking care of both her and my grandmother at the same time and there was no one I could call for help). It was also unfortunate that I could barely take care of myself, much less two other immobile adults.

My mother and I hated to put grandmother in a nursing home--even the best ones aren't exactly places you really want to send a loved one--but the alternate would have been far worse for all of us. I have no doubt whatsoever grandma wouldn't have lasted very long at home. That's simply a fact. A social worker recommended us to a really good nursing home, and while it still wasn't something we wanted to do, I believe with all my heart that it was the best solution to a bad situation.

My mother and I visited her at least three times a week every week (always bringing her a basket of goodies to hold her over between visits) and made sure that the staff knew us and knew that we'd be coming every other day to make sure that she was being taken care of properly. When she eventually passed away, we had to take solace that she spent her final year having had better care and comfort there than she could ever have had at home.

 

[Captain Shaw]

one of my grandmothers had to go into a home.
After she had a stroke she could not even managed to walk up the step we have to get to the stairs.
And has my mum and dad live in a terraced house they could not afford to move.
But she was happy they all used to set in the little groups bitching about each other.

 

[Misfit Toy]

My mother is in a nursing home now. She no longer knows who she is, who I am, where she is...anything. She is unable to care for herself in any way, but she still smiles. I've paid surprise visits to the home, at differing times and days, and I've stood outside her door and listened while the attendants care for her. They treat her so lovingly and so well - they do for her what I cannot.

I was fortunate enough to have had "the conversation" with my mother before dementia took her completely, and she made me promise to do the right thing and do what was necessary, and so I did.

 

[Spot's Meow]

My parents are still fairly young, and even all of my grandparents are still around and doing well. On my dad's side, his mom is the only one who is deteriorating in health. She moved in with my aunt and uncle a few years ago, who built their own custom home that included an apartment just for her. My dad's father remarried before I was ever born and he is doing fine. He lives with his wife and my aunt and he will probably continue to do so until the end of his life.

On my mom's side, my grandparents live in a retirement park with nice mobile homes. I very much like it there and hope that I can live somewhere like that one day. They have made many great friends there and are more active now than ever. They organize and participate in potlucks, poker games, parties, fundraisers, and other such activities all the time. There is a true sense of community there and the healthier residents tend to watch over and take care of the ones who aren't doing as well. If they deteriorate to the point of not being able to live on their own, I could see my uncle taking them in or hiring a nurse to live with them.

As for my parents, one of my sisters would be much more likely to take them in than I would. Maybe this will change if/when I have children, but I am not exactly the caregiver type. However, one my of sisters is and would likely request to take care of them. Also, my mom is an extremely social creature and would probably be happier in an environment with lots of other people around (which is definitely not the type of environment I would live in).

In the end I can't really say what would happen, as it depends entirely upon the circumstances at the time. I can say, though, that I am not completely opposed to nursing homes and that if I believed it was necessary, I would spend a great deal of time and energy and resources to make sure that a really great one was chosen.

 

[Holdfast]

I wouldn't want a parent in most nursing homes. However I'm not a "personal carer" type of person, so of it ever proves necessary, the research is going to take some time to find a good one. Just a few percent (or even less) provide what I would consider a top-notch care experience (i.e. an experience I would accept for myself). Price is not a guarantor of quality, but it's not a bad marker when it comes to the "hotel" aspects of the package (as opposed to the personal care aspects, although there is some linkage there too).

I'd prefer to fund extensive private personal care at home. The cost is more, but the bigger problem would be quality assurance. That method is fraught with even more difficulty than finding an acceptable home.


It's not just a hypothetical issue about a parent though; don't forget it applies just as much to our own (hopefully distant!) futures too.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

^Good point, Holdfast. I didn't include it in my own post above, but the rehab facility that I just spent six weeks in had almost as many long-term-care (nursing home) patients as rehab patients. It was considered an excellent facility, and superficially it was, but those who've been following my thread know that I am in the process of looking for a medical malpractice lawyer because of what went drastically wrong there. It scares me that someday I could have to spent far more of my life than six weeks in a similar place.

 

[Miss Chicken]

When I said I would never considered putting my mother into a nursing home I should have pointed out that a) dementia is unheard of in my family b) the same with strokes. Most people in my family die of cancer, with heart attacks being the second most common cause of death.

If one of my parents had had dementia than I think we would have considered a nursing home.

Also both my parents were entitled to receive home help from the Department of Veteran Affairs which helped to ease pressure on us.

 

[Owain Taggart]

My Grandfather of 96 years old was recently put into a nursing home. In fact, we just went to visit him last weekend. My Aunt, being a nurse knew the kind of care he needed but too busy to take care of him herself seeing that he can't really take care of himself anymore, but she made sure he got a really good one. He was at first reluctant to be in one, but came to accept it. This is my only surviving grandparent I have left. This is someone who sits in his chair all day because a bed isn't good for his back. He had care at home for a few years, but when something recently happened while my Aunt was gone on vacation, everyone realized he needed to be put in a nursing home where he could be looked at constantly.

 

[bluedana]

First, I'm sorry to hear about your mother, Miss Chicken.

My parents are in their 70s, and my dad still works full time. They are pretty active. My first choice for them would be for them to remain in their home. If I felt that they needed some supervision, I guess I'd move to having a home health aide come in to make sure they were taking their meds okay, getting enough good food to eat, having a clean house. I would then consider moving them to an assisted living facility, which is basically an apartment complex for seniors with medical staff, nutritionists, etc., on site.

But if either of them developed medical issues beyond what I could handle, I would not hesitate to put them in the best nursing home I could find.

 

[T'Bonz]

If necessary, I would put a loved one in a nursing home. But as some said, frequent visits are necessary. If the staff know you're watching them, they're less apt to be either abusive or careless.

I worked as a guardian for the elderly once, so I saw what goes on in the home with aides and in the facilities. Usually - the caretakers are either wonderful or dreadful, with many being the latter. Home health aides? Too many are thieving, abusive scum.

When someone has Alzheimers, the only place is in a nursing home. It's a 24/7 job and one person can't do it alone (watching that person and caring for them.)

DH and I only have one parent left (my dad is estranged and has been for years, so he doesn't count) and in the near future (if the market ever stabilizes so that we can sell our house and move), Mum will come with us and spend the rest of her life with us. We don't have Alzheimers in the family, but if she was incapacitated to the point where I had to put her in a home, I would. But you'd better believe it would be close by and I would be there frequently.

In my own case, I trust my kids to do what is best. If God is merciful, He'll just stroke me out rather than have me in a situation where I'm helpless and at the mercy of underpaid, resentful aides.

 

[Mary Ann]

My dad is almost 85 and in reasonably good health for someone his age (my mother died of cancer 11 years ago). He still lives independently but my brothers who live close to him (Dad's in Canada and I'm in the UK, with another brother living in the Netherlands) tell me he's becoming more forgetful and is beginning to have mobility issues. He's too stubborn to accept Meals on Wheels or a housekeeper, never mind home help for intimate care, so if he does deteriorate to the point where he cannot look after myself he would be better off in a home, because he doesn't allow any of his children to do anything for him. To prove how stubborn he is about these things, last summer he ended up in hospital with pleurisy and a heart murmur, and the doctors told my brothers that our dad must have had the fluid collecting on his lungs for months before he finally reached the point where he was having so much difficulty breathing that he called my brother. Even then he was asking my brother to drive him to the doctor the next day, but my brother immediately took him to the hospital, where he stayed for almost 2 weeks. My brothers and I are glad that he can still live independently, but after last summer's health scare we are constantly worried, as he's so bad at looking after himself.

 

[RJDiogenes]

^^ There's a sneak preview of me in 35 years.