My parents are driving me nuts! (again)

[FPAlpha]

So about a year ago i moved into the ex-apartment of my parents which they officially gave up so i could move in.

Reason for this is that they are both retired and live in their own house 1000 km away and are only still registered in Germany because if the health service and retirement benefits.

We made an arrangement that they can be registered at my place and they pay half the rent.. the new appartment is a bit bigger than my old one, has a fully equipped kitchen etc... in short it is a better appartment than my old one.

It was "agreed on" that my parents can stay whenever they want (so far no problem) because my mom needs to do a neurological check every 6 months or so and do several other doctor visit taking about a month to do.. no biggie (i thought).

The problem is that out of these 12-14 months i live here now i've been on my own for about 6 of them!!

I'm 34 and i wasn't planning on moving back with my parents yet i can't say much because it would insult them mortally (especially my dad). I ran into problems redecorating the new appartment last year and it took quite a bit more time than expected.. my mom stayed to "help" (even though she sometimes can't really move) which resulted in our biggest fight ever after she brought me to tears (no pretty sight seeing a 33 year old guy cry from exhaustion, a ruined back and constant nagging/fights with his mother).

Now my dad is here.. again. He needed eye surgery and the first eye a couple of months went fine.. he was here about 2 weeks and left. Now the 2nd eye makes problems.. operation was fine but they can't get the eye pressure under control to let him go without regular checks. He's now here the 6th week i believe (stopped counting) and i'm going nuts.

I can't relax when he's around, he annoys me constantly with his bad jokes, computer problems which i have to fix (and he's responsible for all of them) and need to talk when i'm visibly occupied and he has this skill of nagging that puts my mother to shame.

I don't know what to do.. everything inside screams "When are you going to leave for your home?" but uttering that phrase would be suicide of sorts. Everytime he has an appointment with the doctor i keep my fingers crossed that he'll finally tell him that everything's ok and he can go alas no luck.

I can only catch brief relaxation when he goes to visit friends or to the city but he returns..

Additionally why can't my parents make appointments with doctors in advance? Pick up the phone and arrange every appointment within a span of 2 weeks (could be done in 1 but why rush things). Instead my mom arrives and only then starts making appointments which naturally don't always come as she wishes but when the timetable of the doctor allows it.

Do not mistake me.. i love my parents and don't mind them being around but when i was at my place and this appartment was only used when they needed to come they didn't stay here so long and come here so often.

Now most of these visits these years weren't planned so i'm trying to stay calm but if this becomes a pattern i might bite the bullet and talk to them.

Sorry.. needed to vent. Any advice on how to approach this subject with a hotheaded dad and an extremely easy to insult mother?

 

[Mr Awe]

2 quick points:

1) Appreciate your parents. They've done a lot for you and they won't be around forever. You'll miss their foibles when they're gone. Also, if it's minor things like bad jokes and fixing computer stuff that annoys you, you need a new perspective on life. That's just not worth getting upset over.

2) If you want your own live, get out of their "ex -apartment" and get your own freaking place. A place that is completely separate and independent from them. Right now you're trying to have your cake and eat it too. Live like an independent adult but have Mommy and Daddy help you out with rent. If you're still living off them, expect this. Yeah, you may need sacrifice on the quality of the apartment but that is life. You're 34 now and need to start acting like an adult.

Mr Awe

 

[Cakes488]

I know parents can be a pain in the ass...but these complaints are very trivial in the scheme of things (no offense). I wish I could hear my father tell just one more bad joke. Be grateful.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Pretty much agree with Mr Awe and Cakes. If you don't want them meddling in your life, cut the strings--get out, don't depend on them for squat.

I haven't depended on either of my parents for anything since I was 20.

 

[Cakes488]

I know right? I was out of the house at 21 and have been on my own since then...and some people can't go back to their parents for help ever again...so please just be grateful...trust me on this one.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I love my parents, I couldn't imagine being without them. My dad, in particular, is pretty much a living god in my eyes. I owe everything to him. True, they sometimes do irritate me, but I'm easy to irritate anyway.

 

[FPAlpha]

Um.. i'm not leeching off of them.

I earn enough to pay for full rent but they offered it and i accepted. I appreciate all what they've done for me and do but honestly.. would you all have them at your place (it is my place.. i paid for most of the furniture and pay all the utility bills etc) for months getting in your life and nagging you like you were a kid?

Bad jokes and constant calls of "Do you have a sec..?" (at least twice a night) and knowing he'll get angry if you don't respond just wears you out.

 

[Laren]

I have to agree with the previous posters insofar as if you want to resolve the situation, you need to move into your own place. I highly doubt that a simple talk with your parents will change anything for the better.
I've moved out when I was 19 and since then have only lived with my mom during transition periods. I couldn't imagine to permanently move in with her again, even though I love her very much and we only rarely have conflicts.

That said, I believe that it is not only normal but also legitimate that you are being annoyed by the current situation. Parents can drive you nuts and I don't think that this automatically means that you don't appreciate them.
Personally, I've often wished I could turn back time and see my dad again, who passed away at a fairly young age. But would I want to live with him? I don't think so.
Adults should be able to live their own, independent lives. But if you want your parents to respect your boudaries then you have to actually set those boundaries by moving into your own appartment.

 

[Captain Shaw]

If they are paying half the rent then you will just have to put up with it.

 

[FPAlpha]

I've lived on my own since i was 21 and just took up the opportunity to get a better appartment and save some costs.

I love my parents but i believe you all should try to have them around for half a year after you have lived for over 10 years by yourself.

It sounds like i'm a dick but after 6 weeks with my dad in a 2 room appartment i'n nearing the end of my patience. It's like that.

 

[Kelthaz]

Your parents are paying half the rent for the apartment. That makes the apartment their place as much as yours. There's nothing wrong with that exactly, but you can't complain about them living with you and then ask for rent money.

 

[Mr Awe]

Um.. i'm not leeching off of them.

I earn enough to pay for full rent but they offered it and i accepted. I appreciate all what they've done for me and do but honestly.. would you all have them at your place (it is my place.. i paid for most of the furniture and pay all the utility bills etc) for months getting in your life and nagging you like you were a kid?

Bad jokes and constant calls of "Do you have a sec..?" (at least twice a night) and knowing he'll get angry if you don't respond just wears you out.

Get your own place. Then you don't have to worry about it. Fairly simple. If you don't do that, don't complain!

Think of it as a tradeoff. The upside is that they're helping you with rent which gets you a better place. The downside is that they live with you frequently. If the tradeoff is not worth it, it's time live in an apartment that they're not paying some of the rent for.

Mr Awe

 

[Davros]

Driving you nuts is one of your parent's chief responsibilities.

 

[auntiehill]

My family makes me crazy, too. But if your parents own/pay an equal share of the apartment, too, they can come and go--and stay--whenever they please. If you want more freedom, get your own place. There is no way around it. Period.

Otherwise, you will just have to take a big boy pill and put up with it. You might try asking for a bit more advanced notice when they come, but really, they have every right to be there as long as they want.

Dude---just move, even if it's to a crappy little apartment. It would at least be yours and only yours.

 

[sidious618]

See, I get along with my parents because they know that when I move it once I graduate college they won't know what to do with themselves AND I'm not afraid to tell them how I see it when something is out of place. Granted, most child-parent relationships aren't like this so I guess this postis pretty much useless, huh?

 

[Drogo]

Sorry, but the real world truth is, you still live in your Parent's house. You are paying them to live in their house. Not the other way around. Time to move out.

 

[FPAlpha]

To all those giving me advice to get my own place:

Do you think i could tell them no when they need to come here and need a place to stay for up to a month or longer?

They paid the empty appartment without using it and i moved in so we could cut costs.

If i got my own place and gave up this appartment i'd still be in the same situation.. living with my parents for extended periods of time.

Once again.. i don't mind them having around because i love my parents (most of the time) but the problem is the duration and frequency of their stays (which has somehow increased since i moved in coincidentally). I just have a problem that they stayed here for half a year which is about half the time i spent here.

Anyone even tried to be in my position or am i really this big of a dick? What happens when i get a girlfriend again and she moves in or we move in together somewhere and my parents need a place to stay?

Would you like to have your parents around for 4 weeks+ and then come back 2 months later and stay again for 4 weeks+?

 

[Brent]

To all those giving me advice to get my own place:

Do you think i could tell them no when they need to come here and need a place to stay for up to a month or longer?

Yes

They paid the empty appartment without using it and i moved in so we could cut costs.

That is not your problem

If i got my own place and gave up this appartment i'd still be in the same situation.. living with my parents for extended periods of time.

They could keep the other place if they wanted, that is up to them. At least having your own place, paying your own bills, YOU dictate the rules of the house. They would be YOUR guest instead of you being THEIR guest.

Once again.. i don't mind them having around because i love my parents

Stop right there, that should be the end of the thread and topic.

(most of the time) but the problem is the duration and frequency of their stays (which has somehow increased since i moved in coincidentally). I just have a problem that they stayed here for half a year which is about half the time i spent here.

Again, as others have said, it IS NOT YOUR PLACE.

Anyone even tried to be in my position or am i really this big of a dick?

Yes

What happens when i get a girlfriend again and she moves in or we move in together somewhere and my parents need a place to stay?

Then you work that out when you come to that point, again, they would be your GUEST there, right now you are THEIR guest.

Would you like to have your parents around for 4 weeks+ and then come back 2 months later and stay again for 4 weeks+?

Actually, yeah, my dad and I get along great and have a lot of fun.

 

[LitmusDragon]

Well I sympathize with the original poster more than most. I definitely would NOT want to live with my parents anymore. I love them to death but the way we relate to each other is pretty dysfunctional.

I understand what it means to respect your parents and to want to honor them but obviously you are letting certain situations continue that are causing you a great deal of stress. Maybe you should try being less complaint and a little more firm with them in certain areas. You don't have to fight with them about everything, pick the important issues and fight those battles. At least that's my read on the situation. It's hard to tell from all the way over here on the other side of the computer screen.

 

[trekkiedane]

Have you considered writing them an old fashioned letter listing your grievances? -If you do it right they might understand the things you find problematic and, say, begin making the doctors appointments in advance of coming to this apartment of yours/theirs.

You might even suggest that your dad take a course -for his age group- in using a computer.
And if his jokes are that bad, just stop laughing at them, and when he asks why you don't laugh, tell the truth: "it wasn't funny, dad!".

Sometimes things that are difficult to speak out can be put in writing a lot easier, and since no one is interrupting you while putting together a letter you actually get to say exactly what is on your mind, and this even phrased in the most careful way.