My parents are driving me nuts! (again)

[Deks]

I think it's awful to speak so terribly about parents who are actively helping you maintain a "nicer" roof over your head. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Jeez. You are luckier than most, you should be thanking them everyday. And if you don't want their help, stand on your own two feet, get them out of your hair, and quit whining like a little girl.

I know this gets me so upset and just sick to my stomach! My father died when I was 14 and my mom when I was 23 and I just can't stand to see people take their parents for granted like this. I've missed them so much, I've needed them so much all these years...it's just difficult to deal with sometimes so I hope the OP can read this and maybe appreciate them a bit more. You'll miss them when they're gone.

I don't mean to sound disrespectful to you, but not everyone would feel crushed like you are when their parents are no longer among the living.
This doesn't invalidate ones respect or love for their parents in any way or means we take them for granted as each person has a unique relationship with their folks ... and besides, it's a part of life.

As for the OP ...
I sympathize with your situation, and my personal suggestion would be that you talk with your parents openly about this, even if it causes some issues.
Do you know what I thought when I read that your mother was close to tears when you spoke with her about this subject?
I thought she was trying to make you feel guilty in order to drop the subject and have it her way.
I'm sorry, but parents have a tendency to do this, and despite how emotional they can get, you must be firm in order to get your point across because at times that's the only way they will understand.

One other thing ... just because parents provided a certain amount of things for their children does not mean the children in question should be kissing their feet at every turn.
Give me a break.
The parents were the one who WANTED that child to begin with and it's their responsibility to care for it and help it.
Being grateful is one thing, but to use this to the degree where the parents EXPECT of you do be 'respectful' of them at every turn even when you are an adult and clearly have other responsibilities that are of higher priority ... then the parents are acting unreasonbale, especially since they are NOT treating you like an adult and don't allow you to live your own life.
You have to force it down to them that you are a grownup and not a kid.
Any parent that treats their grown up children as a kids is effectively a moron.
It invalidates the child's acomplishments in life to a degree, creates embarrasement and is just being plain disrespectful to the child in question.
Everyone keeps saying how children are supposed to respect their parents ... but what happens when parents don't extend the same courtesy to the children?
Where's the two way street here, or am I missing something and society has this ridiculous perception that parents are the only ones entitled to this?

The best bet for the OP would likely be to get his own place which would completely separate him from his folks, or pay for the rent entirely on his own.

The thing is though that arguments would still ensue if the parents would keep coming back for visits and whatnot due to medical reasons ... so by moving to your own place and leaving their old place empty would be the best option in this instance.
If they want to sell the place and want to stay with you, politely decline due to the reasons they are creating huge personal pressure on you while they are there and are adding an even larger disruption to your life.
Tell them you love them, but that this living arrangement is not working for you and is impacting you in a negative psychological manner.

 

[Shatmandu]

Sorry.. needed to vent. Any advice on how to approach this subject with a hotheaded dad and an extremely easy to insult mother?

No advice, but I want to say you're a good person, to take care of your family like you do. Keeping that in mind might bring you a little peace.

How about you make your mom and dad watch Star Trek with you?

Joe, wishing you peace

 

[TheLonelySquire]

I think it's awful to speak so terribly about parents who are actively helping you maintain a "nicer" roof over your head. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Jeez. You are luckier than most, you should be thanking them everyday. And if you don't want their help, stand on your own two feet, get them out of your hair, and quit whining like a little girl.

I know this gets me so upset and just sick to my stomach! My father died when I was 14 and my mom when I was 23 and I just can't stand to see people take their parents for granted like this. I've missed them so much, I've needed them so much all these years...it's just difficult to deal with sometimes so I hope the OP can read this and maybe appreciate them a bit more. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Some children appreciate what their parents do for them. Some are ungrateful and don't. Sad but true.

 

[freak]

Some time ago i talked with my mum over the issue when she was with me.. a) i mentioned booking doctors ahead (a thought which didn't even occur to her) and b) mere 2 hours later she was close to tears citing that i don't love her and don't wish her to stay with me

This is my problem.. my parents won't understand the issues i have. It's not that they are coming over (i really missed my dad when i didn't see him for two years or so) but how long they stay and how they treat me, i.e. like i'm still 12 and need to be told what to do ("Aren't you going to put that away?" - "You won't clean that up?" - "You want to wear that?" etc).

This is what drives me up the wall.. not that they are here but that they drive me nuts while they are here.

Oh.. and it is a 2 room appartment (living room, bedroom, kitchen and bath). It is fine for one person and maybe 2 if they have a relationship and can stand each other for long periods of time.

It is fine that many of you get along so great with their parents but me, especially with my dad, is more comfortable with them some distance away and the weekly phonecall and discussion.

Just an example of what i go through almost daily:

I'm quite a bit overweight and know it.. i was lazy, didn't eat well and sitting around in the office all day doesn't help much there. Yesterday i wasn't feeling well and left for home and today was worse so i went to the doctor.
My dad woke up today and saw me home and not at work at which i told him why.. stomach cramps, diarrhea and general woozy feeling.

He then started a lecture for about half an hour how i'm overweight, that it's my weight causing these problems (i have this like any normal person.. at most once a year.. can't remember when the last time was), how i should exercise, eat less and more healthy.

Now he.. is really fat. I'm 5,7" (170 cm) and about 115 kg (230 pounds). He is about the same height yet weighs around 300 pounds (150 kg.. don't know exactly because he isn't telling and wasn't on a scale for years). He's had gastric banding surgery a few years ago yet found a way to circumvent it and is now fatter than ever. He constantly makes sweets, buys other stuff and is amazed if i don't want some or don't have a taste for it right now yet he lectures me on weight issues like he's the nutrition expert from hell.

This is what i put up with and i really have to restrain myself which makes it harder and harder the longer they stay.. as i said earlier precisely due to this i had the biggest fight ever with my mum last year and it is all i can do not to blow up in my dad's face several times.
I know they mean well but sometimes it comes off as condescending and i can't tell them because it would lead to a fight and i don't want that (several years ago my relationship with my dad was at an all time low.. if it were still like this we'd maybe already have come to blows.. sad as it is to say that).

See this is what I have a problem with..people who are overweight telling others that are overweight to LOOSE weight! Wow, talk about the pot calling the kettle black! I have something funny to say about this that might cheer you up. Our mechanic had this same problem..he went to the doc one day cause he was having digestive issues. He was like 300 or more lbs at the time(has lost over 50 since then!) and his doc comes in(the doc is much fatter than the mechanic!) and the dialogue goes something like this:
The doc: "wow, you're about 300 lbs? You're obese..it's no wonder you don't have diabetes, high cholestoral or blood pressure issues!"
The mechanic: "well, you're just one twinkie away from being obese yourself you stupid fat bastard!"
People who are obese themselves have NO RIGHT(especially a damn Doctor!) to call you a fat ass! And I don't think your Dad has every right to call you that.
I want you to know that unlike some of the other posters here, I simpathize more with your situation..I'm in a sort of similar situation. Here's what I think: the parents take care of the children, then the children, in turn, have to take care of the parents in a different life. Since I've gotten older, I've been having to take care of the parents' needs as well and even though I don't really mind doing it, most of the time I feel as though I'm doing everything WRONG.
Most posters say to "just deal with it" but I feel like you've been "dealing with it" for some time now and shouldn't have to anymore. If I were you, I'd speak up to them when you had the courage to and say: look here, I've been taking care of your needs..it's high time I've been shown some respect. I know that they have been paying half the rent, so therefore they part own the place and have every right to be there, but I'd be out and about when they came home just to find some peace and quiet for a while. Sorry to read about your situation..sounds like you shouldn't be the one to have to deal with crap like this.