My parents are driving me nuts! (again)

[The Grim Ghost]

How about just spending more time out of the house when they visit?

Sounds like a good chance to explore your city, take a trip, go on a movie marathon, check out new restaurants, etc..

Minimize the time you're around them. That way you will be genuinely happy to see them next time around.

2nd option, find something you can do together that you all enjoy. When you're doing something fun people seem less irritating.

3rd option, are you dating anyone? Spend more time at their place.

 

[Kelthaz]

Well I sympathize with the original poster more than most. I definitely would NOT want to live with my parents anymore. I love them to death but the way we relate to each other is pretty dysfunctional.

Oh I sympathize with the guy, but there really isn't much he can do about his parents living with him when they pay half of the rent. They have a right to live there as much as he does. If he's unwilling or unable to move into his own place all he can do is bear it. Talking to them about it might help, but living with parents can sometimes be a no-win scenario.

 

[Australis]

Agree with some of the other posters - appreciate the time you have with them. My Mum passed away last year and... it's still tough. Give a hell of a lot for one more time. And you really don't get this until it's too late. I've heard that a lot.

I sorta know where you're coming from in that my kids are at home. When I have a PC problem (I can fix most but one of them is a networking guru) or when I crack a bad joke, there is massive eye rolling and "Daaaad!!" It's What Dads Do.

Hmm. What about pointing out how much they'd save by booking doctors ahead, then staying at a hotel, and get a place you can really call your own? I mean, they could come and stay with you in your own place, but I think there would be less inclination to stay long.

BTW, is this a 2 bedroom apartment, or a 2 room apartment? If 2 room, wow, no wonder you're stressed!

 

[FPAlpha]

Hmm. What about pointing out how much they'd save by booking doctors ahead, then staying at a hotel, and get a place you can really call your own?

Sorry but..

Asking them to stay in a hotel would mean i'm off Trekbbs because i'll be dead!

Some time ago i talked with my mum over the issue when she was with me.. a) i mentioned booking doctors ahead (a thought which didn't even occur to her) and b) mere 2 hours later she was close to tears citing that i don't love her and don't wish her to stay with me

This is my problem.. my parents won't understand the issues i have. It's not that they are coming over (i really missed my dad when i didn't see him for two years or so) but how long they stay and how they treat me, i.e. like i'm still 12 and need to be told what to do ("Aren't you going to put that away?" - "You won't clean that up?" - "You want to wear that?" etc).

This is what drives me up the wall.. not that they are here but that they drive me nuts while they are here.

Oh.. and it is a 2 room appartment (living room, bedroom, kitchen and bath). It is fine for one person and maybe 2 if they have a relationship and can stand each other for long periods of time.

It is fine that many of you get along so great with their parents but me, especially with my dad, is more comfortable with them some distance away and the weekly phonecall and discussion.

Just an example of what i go through almost daily:

I'm quite a bit overweight and know it.. i was lazy, didn't eat well and sitting around in the office all day doesn't help much there. Yesterday i wasn't feeling well and left for home and today was worse so i went to the doctor.
My dad woke up today and saw me home and not at work at which i told him why.. stomach cramps, diarrhea and general woozy feeling.

He then started a lecture for about half an hour how i'm overweight, that it's my weight causing these problems (i have this like any normal person.. at most once a year.. can't remember when the last time was), how i should exercise, eat less and more healthy.

Now he.. is really fat. I'm 5,7" (170 cm) and about 115 kg (230 pounds). He is about the same height yet weighs around 300 pounds (150 kg.. don't know exactly because he isn't telling and wasn't on a scale for years). He's had gastric banding surgery a few years ago yet found a way to circumvent it and is now fatter than ever. He constantly makes sweets, buys other stuff and is amazed if i don't want some or don't have a taste for it right now yet he lectures me on weight issues like he's the nutrition expert from hell.

This is what i put up with and i really have to restrain myself which makes it harder and harder the longer they stay.. as i said earlier precisely due to this i had the biggest fight ever with my mum last year and it is all i can do not to blow up in my dad's face several times.
I know they mean well but sometimes it comes off as condescending and i can't tell them because it would lead to a fight and i don't want that (several years ago my relationship with my dad was at an all time low.. if it were still like this we'd maybe already have come to blows.. sad as it is to say that).

 

[BigFoot]

^ Dude, you're really gonna have to cut the cord at some point. Either that, or just deal with it and bitch about it on the web.

 

[Australis]

Aahhhh, in that case... yes, it's not a great situation.

If I'd said about staying in a hotel to my parents I would have got the half hour tears as well.

They probably do want to spend some time with you, but a 2 room apartment? I love my parents dearly, but there are limits.

Seriously, you may be better getting your own place again. If they decide to keep that apartment, it's their issue (plus it gives you an extra storage space if you need it, plus somewhere to stay if you have too many friends/family to stay with you, if you want to continue contributing to the rent), and also if they come to stay in your new place, it's your place, your rules (as much as you can ever make rules for your parents. ).

 

[Mr Awe]

Well I sympathize with the original poster more than most. I definitely would NOT want to live with my parents anymore. I love them to death but the way we relate to each other is pretty dysfunctional.

I understand what it means to respect your parents and to want to honor them but obviously you are letting certain situations continue that are causing you a great deal of stress. Maybe you should try being less complaint and a little more firm with them in certain areas. You don't have to fight with them about everything, pick the important issues and fight those battles. At least that's my read on the situation. It's hard to tell from all the way over here on the other side of the computer screen.

I understand the frustration that living with his parents is causing him. That can happen frequently. So, I don't blame the OP for that.

But, if it's causing him such problems, the logical solution is to just get a place that is 100% his own. In conjunction with this, he should also communicate with them about the issues. "I'm getting my own place because . . ."

It doesn't seem like the OP is willing to take this steps.

Mr Awe

 

[An Officer]

I think it's awful to speak so terribly about parents who are actively helping you maintain a "nicer" roof over your head. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Jeez. You are luckier than most, you should be thanking them everyday. And if you don't want their help, stand on your own two feet, get them out of your hair, and quit whining like a little girl.

 

[Cakes488]

I think it's awful to speak so terribly about parents who are actively helping you maintain a "nicer" roof over your head. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Jeez. You are luckier than most, you should be thanking them everyday. And if you don't want their help, stand on your own two feet, get them out of your hair, and quit whining like a little girl.

I know this gets me so upset and just sick to my stomach! My father died when I was 14 and my mom when I was 23 and I just can't stand to see people take their parents for granted like this. I've missed them so much, I've needed them so much all these years...it's just difficult to deal with sometimes so I hope the OP can read this and maybe appreciate them a bit more. You'll miss them when they're gone.

 

[Rincewiend]

Well I sympathize with the original poster more than most. I definitely would NOT want to live with my parents anymore. I love them to death but the way we relate to each other is pretty dysfunctional.

I understand what it means to respect your parents and to want to honor them but obviously you are letting certain situations continue that are causing you a great deal of stress. Maybe you should try being less complaint and a little more firm with them in certain areas. You don't have to fight with them about everything, pick the important issues and fight those battles. At least that's my read on the situation. It's hard to tell from all the way over here on the other side of the computer screen.

I understand the frustration that living with his parents is causing him. That can happen frequently. So, I don't blame the OP for that.

But, if it's causing him such problems, the logical solution is to just get a place that is 100% his own. In conjunction with this, he should also communicate with them about the issues. "I'm getting my own place because . . ."

It doesn't seem like the OP is willing to take this steps.

Mr Awe

The OP actually wanted to pay the full rent, his parents offered to pay half, he took their offer...
And if he now decides to tell them he doesn't need their half any more and pays it himself he will get a in fight with his parents, heck this might even happen if he does what you propose about finding his own appartment...
And personally i don't think it's just as much their place as it is his, even if they pay half...

 

[Snow]

....
This is what i put up with and i really have to restrain myself which makes it harder and harder the longer they stay.. as i said earlier precisely due to this i had the biggest fight ever with my mum last year and it is all i can do not to blow up in my dad's face several times.
...

To me this is the crux of the issue.
To the OP, you do not have to restrain yourself. You simply have NOT learned the tools to effective negotiation so you've made it into a black and white situation - either you totally keep it in or you blurt out (and tears ensue).

Until you show your parents, quietly and effectively, that you are deserving of respect, they will treat you as they want as opposed to what you want.

Learn to not let them push your buttons. You have to work at that. The reason you want them to stay at a hotel really is because you don't know how to ask for what you want from them so your solution is to run away from the problem.

It starts with you, kid.

Mom says: you're going to wear that???
You say, firmly, politely, quietly: Yes I am, Mom.

End of story.

Take on some of the responsibility. They come to town often for medical care? Then ask them if you can make the appointments for them.

These are just examples. You have to work at becoming mature and being treated as you wish.

 

[Mr Awe]

Well I sympathize with the original poster more than most. I definitely would NOT want to live with my parents anymore. I love them to death but the way we relate to each other is pretty dysfunctional.

I understand what it means to respect your parents and to want to honor them but obviously you are letting certain situations continue that are causing you a great deal of stress. Maybe you should try being less complaint and a little more firm with them in certain areas. You don't have to fight with them about everything, pick the important issues and fight those battles. At least that's my read on the situation. It's hard to tell from all the way over here on the other side of the computer screen.

I understand the frustration that living with his parents is causing him. That can happen frequently. So, I don't blame the OP for that.

But, if it's causing him such problems, the logical solution is to just get a place that is 100% his own. In conjunction with this, he should also communicate with them about the issues. "I'm getting my own place because . . ."

It doesn't seem like the OP is willing to take this steps.

Mr Awe

The OP actually wanted to pay the full rent, his parents offered to pay half, he took their offer...
And if he now decides to tell them he doesn't need their half any more and pays it himself he will get a in fight with his parents, heck this might even happen if he does what you propose about finding his own appartment...
And personally i don't think it's just as much their place as it is his, even if they pay half...

Offering to pay the full rent but then accepting their money doesn't change things. The parents still have a right because they are paying. Time for the OP to either move out or at least stop taking the parent's help (and talking to them about the situation).

The "I offered to pay the whole thing but ended up taking the parents money" thing just doesn't change the fact that the OP is *not* living an independent life.

Given the extra details, the apartment situation is clearly just a symptom of a much larger problem that involves their relationships. There will be no easy solution. The OP will have to put his foot down about being an independent adult (in general, not just relating to the apartment). However, this will be impossible to do as long as he is taking their money to live in a shared apartment.

Also, I suspect the problem is a two-way street (e.g. not entirely the parents fault). Some the OP's complaints are rather petty. What, bad jokes and requests to fix the PC are a problem?! And they need medical treatment and a place to stay for that is too much to ask? Give me a break!

In short, I'm not blaming the OP but I'm also not letting him off the hook for taking necessary actions. That family needs a good sit down chat where they can discuss these issues. The little glimpse we're getting here is showing that their are very large, deep issues they need to resolve. The apartment is just the symptom, the tip of the iceberg.

Mr Awe

 

[FPAlpha]

I know this gets me so upset and just sick to my stomach! My father died when I was 14 and my mom when I was 23 and I just can't stand to see people take their parents for granted like this. I've missed them so much, I've needed them so much all these years...it's just difficult to deal with sometimes so I hope the OP can read this and maybe appreciate them a bit more. You'll miss them when they're gone.

I'm sorry that your parents left you so soon but mine didn't so my situation is different than yours. My parents take an active interest in my life which is both a gift and a curse. They'll help me out should i ever get in a tight spot but they also stick their nose into matters that don't concern them and we've had many talks. My dad particularly took a long time realizing i'm an adult and that he can't treat me like a kid anymore.

I understand the frustration that living with his parents is causing him. That can happen frequently. So, I don't blame the OP for that.

But, if it's causing him such problems, the logical solution is to just get a place that is 100% his own. In conjunction with this, he should also communicate with them about the issues. "I'm getting my own place because . . ."

It doesn't seem like the OP is willing to take this steps.

Mr Awe

The place i have is very fine.. im in minutes in the city centre by foot yet it is quiet enough, the rent is on the lower end and i grew up in this appartment so why should i move? Just to keep my parents off my back? We'd be back at the same situation.. they'd have an appartment they'd only use for a few weeks every year yet pay rent and utilities each month. If they got rid of it i'd still take them in at my new place but do you honestly expect me to "kick" them out if they stay too long or tell them to come by a little less? Do i have to intentionally hurt my parents? The situation won't change at all no matter where and how i live.

....
This is what i put up with and i really have to restrain myself which makes it harder and harder the longer they stay.. as i said earlier precisely due to this i had the biggest fight ever with my mum last year and it is all i can do not to blow up in my dad's face several times.
...

To me this is the crux of the issue.
To the OP, you do not have to restrain yourself. You simply have NOT learned the tools to effective negotiation so you've made it into a black and white situation - either you totally keep it in or you blurt out (and tears ensue).

Until you show your parents, quietly and effectively, that you are deserving of respect, they will treat you as they want as opposed to what you want.

Learn to not let them push your buttons. You have to work at that. The reason you want them to stay at a hotel really is because you don't know how to ask for what you want from them so your solution is to run away from the problem.

It starts with you, kid.

Mom says: you're going to wear that???
You say, firmly, politely, quietly: Yes I am, Mom.

End of story.

Take on some of the responsibility. They come to town often for medical care? Then ask them if you can make the appointments for them.

These are just examples. You have to work at becoming mature and being treated as you wish.

Oh.. we've had many discussions over the years about issues and worked many issues out where i took a stand peacefully and they understood it. Believe me.. i know my parents inside out and thus i know that this particular issue is supersensitive. I'm stuck between a rock and hard place.. they'll get insulted if i turn down their money because they'll interpret it as cutting ties and becoming sole master of the appartment which means i'll deny them access for whatever petty reason i'll come up with and if i take it i also have to "take" their visits. Either way i move lies doom and it won't resolve without huge fights.

Lastly i may have painted a bad picture of my parents.. they do love me and i love them and i know that even after the biggest fight they'll rush to my help should i get into a crisis. We are family after all.

The problem is that they are into my life a little bit too much and no amount of talking will solve that.. the mere mention of it gets tears from my mom and that's the calm reaction.

Apparently to some i'm the biggest dick they know but to those i just say.. you don't know how petty and easily insulted my parents can be. "You're ungrateful!" is a phrase i'm well used to (especially by my dad) forgetting that i do their entire paperwork, have rushed to my dad in he middle of the night when he fucked up his computer again and come over everytime they needed help and have never complained (maybe inwardly but that doesn't count).

That i don't really tell them off is because i know they don't mean it bad and that they see family differently from me.. i could live with the occasional contact and news but they have a far tighter understanding of family and these views just clash sometimes.

 

[Kestra]

My parents take an active interest in my life which is both a gift and a curse.

I think this pretty much sums it up. If you want to have your parents involved in your life, you have to take the bad with the good. I come from a family that's a bit overinvolved and while it can be great, it can also be horrible. But you can't take the benefits and expect to be rid of the rest.

You can, however, set boundaries. Start figuring out what you want those boundaries to be, and be realistic about what it is going to cost you. Yes, your mother will cry. Yes, your dad will get upset. Yes, there will probably be fights. But you have to fight for what you want. You need to decide what is really important to you.

Once you start setting boundaries, things will change. You'll go through rough times but you'll also find yourself enjoying some of the freedom. You may also feel like you've lost some of your relationship with your parents. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. Relationships evolve, and it doesn't have to be all or nothing. There's always a middle ground, even if it takes some time and upset to find it.

Start figuring it out now. Parents aren't around forever, and you're lucky to have people who care about you so much. And while you're scared of what it might do to your relationship with them, think about what this is all doing to your own life and how it is stunting your own personal growth.

 

[Cakes488]

I know this gets me so upset and just sick to my stomach! My father died when I was 14 and my mom when I was 23 and I just can't stand to see people take their parents for granted like this. I've missed them so much, I've needed them so much all these years...it's just difficult to deal with sometimes so I hope the OP can read this and maybe appreciate them a bit more. You'll miss them when they're gone.

I'm sorry that your parents left you so soon but mine didn't so my situation is different than yours. My parents take an active interest in my life which is both a gift and a curse. They'll help me out should i ever get in a tight spot but they also stick their nose into matters that don't concern them and we've had many talks. My dad particularly took a long time realizing i'm an adult and that he can't treat me like a kid anymore..

I'm glad you're parents are alive and you have them.... and I understand you're frustration. But just trust me...if they did die tomorrow you'd wish with every last bit of your soul that your mom and dad would stick thier nose into your business just one more time. Maybe this is something you can't truly understand unless you've gone through it...but please try to heed my words.

 

[Snow]

I don't think it's fair to place on the OP the longings that other posters feel for their departed parents.
I don't think it's germane to the issue.

And to the OP, I don't think you've painted a bad picture of your parents at all. It's too bad you can't stand outside this thread and look objectively at it.
You have to live your life and also live your interpretation of 'family'.
You have to stand up to words and shouts and tears and maybe even threats.

I am pulling for you, kid.

 

[Cakes488]

It's germane when you're bitchin' about bullshit.

 

[Mr Awe]

The place i have is very fine.. im in minutes in the city centre by foot yet it is quiet enough, the rent is on the lower end and i grew up in this appartment so why should i move? Just to keep my parents off my back?

Yes, you should move if that is what is necessary to progress to the next, more tolerable, evolution of your relationship with them! By staying, you are implicitly accepting the deal: the nicer, more convenient apartment in exchange for the help and presence of your parents. It is a deal and you are accepting that deal by remaining in that apartment. If you decide that you don't like that arrangement, the solution is to move.

We'd be back at the same situation.. they'd have an appartment they'd only use for a few weeks every year yet pay rent and utilities each month. If they got rid of it i'd still take them in at my new place but do you honestly expect me to "kick" them out if they stay too long or tell them to come by a little less? Do i have to intentionally hurt my parents? The situation won't change at all no matter where and how i live.

Yes, I do think you would be back at the same situation. As I mentioned in another post, the apartment is a symptom of a larger problem of your (meaning you and your parents) relationship. I believe what you say that they are overinvolved. That they are intrusive. I believe you.

But as Kestra and Snow have said, you need to set boundaries. There will be fighting and tears but ultimately you need to stake out your ground. Right now you're avoiding doing this, probably because it seems easier. But, you're just extending and growing this problem. It is now the norm for them to behave this way.

This situation won't change if you don't address it. I know that won't be easy. While I think the apartment situation is a symptom of the real problem, I don't think you'll be able to set up the boundaries and stand your ground while you live in an apartment that they have equal rights to because they're paying a portion of the rent.

That, plus I do think some of your complaints are petty.

Mr Awe

 

[Snow]

It's germane when you're bitchin' about bullshit.

No. It's not fair to place on the OP your feelings about the loss of your parents. One just doesn't know the inner workings of his relationship with his parents.

My father is dying. Right now. Stage IV cancer.
I've given this a lot of thought. I know how I feel now. I know how I will feel when he's gone and I do not regret now my actions or inactions and when he's gone I won't either.

 

[Cakes488]

It's germane when you're bitchin' about bullshit.

No. It's not fair to place on the OP your feelings about the loss of your parents. One just doesn't know the inner workings of his relationship with his parents.

My father is dying. Right now. Stage IV cancer.
I've given this a lot of thought. I know how I feel now. I know how I will feel when he's gone and I do not regret now my actions or inactions and when he's gone I won't either.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad...I know it sucks.
I remember my father asking me to go to the store for him and I said no I can't go today and he'd lay this whole big guilt trip on me that when he's dead blah blah blah...I said to my 12 year old self...I won't feel guilty about this when he's dead...I'm not going to let him do that to me..and I don't.

He'd also ask me to watch Met games with him and I'd turn him down sometimes...I'd think to myself..you'll regret not spending this time with him when he's dead (he was sick pretty much my whole life)...but again I said no..I'm making the decision now to not watch this game with him and I'm not feeling guilty...and I didn't and I don't. I made that choice.

I know to the OP these issues are not trivial...but in the grand scheme of things they are. So maybe if you just take a step back and realize that maybe you can appreciate your parents just a little bit more when they are alive rather then when they are dead. Again, I'm not sure if this is something you really have to go through to appreicate. It just might not be possible to understand that you should be patient with your parents because one day they won't be around. You may actually have to lose them to understand this (which sucks). But if one person can appreciate their parents just a little bit more by reading this than I think that's great.

If you ever need to talk about your Dad etc...please feel free to PM me.

One other note: you can't possibly know how you'll feel when he's actually gone because he's still here. It took over a week for my mom to die and we all thought we were handling it...we knew it was coming and were expecting it. It doesn't lessen the blow when it actually occurs -- or at least for me it didn't. Hang in there and if I prayed I would say I'm praying for you....