My Mother And Her Death Wish ...

[StarMan]

I'll try and keep this brief.

My Mother had a brush with death two years ago when she had a brain aneurysm. She survived the event and had a coiling procedure which prevents any further rupture.

My Mother was also a smoker. Smoking dramatically increases the chances of an aneurysm. As we all know smoking dramatically increases the chances of all sorts of nasty things that run counter to a healthy, long life. Suffice to say the message was clear - STOP SMOKING.

Well, she did. For a fortnight. I caught her, smoke in one hand and glass of wine in the other. I was not happy about it but I didn't say anything. She kept up the facade to other family members including my little brother, which bothered me no end.

Fast forward to 4 months ago when they discovered an irregularity around where they had previously operated. Damn! This required another operation. She admitted to the Doctors of having had "a couple" and a few "whoops" since the initial event two years ago. Yeah, right. More like a few whoops on a daily basis and then some...

She underwent the op. Great. The surgeon spoke to her afterwards and said everything was successful. His parting words were very straightforward: "but one warning - only one. No smoking."

So we - being my father and I - thought the message had finally got through as to the dire nature of her addiction. This was not a case of "I'll be right - these things happen to other people" - this shit was happening to her and she was damned lucky to have lived.

But. But, but ... then yesterday. Yesterday I went around to her place and she wasn't home. I wasn't expected so she hadn't thought to clean up the evidence. The evidence being cigarette butts in the pottery, in the kitchen rubbish and the unmistakable whiff of staleness in the lounge. Busted. I was angry and anticipated a big row over the phone when I called her later... but, nothing like that eventuated. I called her and spoke evasively and ended the conversation promptly.

This would not be the first time she's lied to me and not the first time on this particular subject. This time it feels different. I can't say anything else to her that I haven't already. She knows all the risks. Part of me feels like telling her to go away and that hurts. This time I really thought she was going to be straight up. This time, we had agreed - no lies. I told my Father (they aren't together but are still friends) and he had suspected anyway. I left it in his hands because I feel done. Part of me feels like it is time to care a little less. Like - "Whatever Mum. Suit yourself". Her and I have been through a lot together and I feel I've tacked along with this issue for some time. Maybe it's time to care a little less, harsh as it may sound. If her self worth is that low she really isn't all too fussed on her continued existence... hell. What the fuck can I do? Be "supportive" and offer platitudes she'll quit when "it's right"?

I think at the very least my little bro has a right to know and I'll inform him this weekend. Ugh. Anyway this has been eating at me and I felt a urge to rant to the Internet. Sorry if the above comes across a little mish mash I have tried to stay coherent! Is there anything I can do - or shouldn't?

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Is your little brother still a minor living at home?

All I can say is, yes distance is something you have to employ, emotional distance. I've had two friends with cancer who never stopped smoking through all the chemo and everything. One of them saw it as her rebellion against having her life out of control. In the end you just say, okay this person is an adult and they can make their own decisions, but it IS harder when it's family. Maybe your mum could benefit from some kind of support group, she's been through some scary stuff.

 

[Deckerd]

The significant word in your rant was 'addiction'.

 

[Gaith]

My old man smokes; always has. It sucks, and maybe he won't live to see any grandkids, but I've never kidded myself that I could make him quit. That's up to him (though according to this Cracked article, it's a truly hellish process).

He also jokes that his occasional joint might actually be healthy in that regard - that it kills lung cells, thus causing new, healthy ones to grow, whereas tobacco just poisons 'em, thus causing lung disease. There was some study cited in the papers that vaguely suggested something of that nature a few years ago...

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Your mother is an adult and she has to make her own choices. No matter how much anyone else wants her to quit, she has to want to in order to make it work, and it's clear she doesn't. Addiction is hard to break, and it's even harder to do without support, but it's impossible without the addict making the conscious choice to get free of the drug.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

The significant word in your rant was 'addiction'.

This. I've heard it said that quitting nicotine is harder than quitting most street drugs. I had a dear friend who couldn't quit even after a heart attack, emphysema and a stroke. And he was a psychotherapist himself.

 

[E-DUB]

The late Dennis Hopper said that of all the drugs he'd used in his life (and that would probably be most of them), the last one he gave up was nicotine and it was the hardest.

 

[Gary7]

^ Smoking is insidious. Your body tells you that it's bad, bad, bad by causing you to cough and hack in response. But then you acclimate. Your lungs adjust to the invasion of foreign particles and thus begins the slow road to addiction. I have had several friends struggle with quitting, who do it successfully at first but then buckle when under recurring life stresses. Each time they quit and go back, it's harder to quit the next time.

The only way to get your mother to quit is for her to forge a negative association with smoking. I really think it's the only way. Otherwise, subconsciously it's always looked at as "something that feels so good, but is supposed to be so bad for you". You never fully appreciate how bad it is for you. I'll venture to say that your mother might even rationalize the aneurysm as something that wasn't due to the smoking. That the doctors have this misconception of what the real cause was. "It couldn't be the smoking, as it feels too good." She may believe this (consciously or even subconsciously) but never say it. It's so important for her to make the connection that smoking is unhealthy and DEADLY. It really seems like she hasn't.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

The only way to get your mother to quit is for her to forge a negative association with smoking. I really think it's the only way. Otherwise, subconsciously it's always looked at as "something that feels so good, but is supposed to be so bad". You never fully appreciate how bad it is for you. I'll venture to say that your mother might even rationalize the aneurysm as something that wasn't due to the smoking. That the doctors have this misconception of what the real cause was. "It couldn't be the smoking, as it feels too good." She may believe this (consciously or even subconsciously) but never say it.

Wire her up to a portable smoke detector and have it deliver increasingly intense electric shocks for as long as the smoke persists.

 

[auntiehill]

Starman, do you think Mum would be willing to see a therapist? It might help her take the steps to fighting the addiction. If nothing else, it might help her see things from another perspective.

 

[Trekker4747]

I'd suggest having her speak to her doctor (a PCP or equivalent) about getting on the number of stop-smoking aid prescription medications that are out there. An intervention or direct confrontation is probably required here but nothing too aggressive, just direct.

But, in the end, she's an adult and entitled to make her choices and mistakes.

As for your brother? He probably deserves to know, whether or not to tell him is entirely up to you. Telling him could make an already tense situation worse.

 

[rhubarbodendron]

How about asking the doctor to talk with her again (perhaps under the cover of a post-surgery checkup) ? If he makes it completely clear that she is toying with her life, it might help to persuade her in starting a therapy.

And while her resistance is thus weakened, you could further undermine her addiction by mentioning that she has a responsibility towards your younger brother as long as he is in her care. Decribe to her what a horror it would be for the kid to come home one day and find her dead on the floor.
As a matter of fact, I think you would stand a very good chance to get the kid taken from her custody if you'd inform the authorities of her behaviour and its medical consequences.

Painful as it might be, you ought to inform your brother. He should now what he's facing and be able to prepare for an emergency as best as possible. White lies and avoidance strategy are never a good thing as they make the shock so much bigger when the other person discovers the truth. An unpleasant truth told by a friend or relative is always preferable as it offers everyone the chance to talk about a problem and together try to find ways to prevent it or at least to prepare for the worst.

(with my dad it helped showing him the lungs of a dead chain-smoker. A somewhat drastical method, admittedly, and one that requires legitimate access to a mortuary)

 

[Deckerd]

I don't see how spreading the worry is in any way a good thing.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Addictions thrive on secrets. Tell everyone.

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Only the smoker can decide to quit for him or herself. Pressure, no matter the amount, is only very rarely successful, if at all. No matter how much you love a person, you aren't walking in their shoes. No one else can understand the choices involved.

Signed,
An ex-smoker (23 months smoke free and counting)

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I think there is a good reason to put lots of pressure on her, and that's guilt. If you just walk away thinking "well I'm not happy, but she is an adult.." you may feel very bad if something happens and you wonder if you should have been more forceful. Now that's about doing something for you, so you can honestly come to the point where you can say "I did everything I could and I'm at peace with my efforts". It doesn't sound like you (the OP) are at that point yet.

 

[CorporalCaptain]

I think there is a good reason to put lots of pressure on her, and that's guilt. If you just walk away thinking "well I'm not happy, but she is an adult.." you may feel very bad if something happens and you wonder if you should have been more forceful. Now that's about doing something for you, so you can honestly come to the point where you can say "I did everything I could and I'm at peace with my efforts". It doesn't sound like you (the OP) are at that point yet.

I agree completely, although that's for the OP to decide. My comments were offered as-is, apropos of nothing except my personal expectation that no amount of pressure will make her quit. I put pressure on a daily basis on loved ones to quit for exactly the reason you say, despite the fact that I'm not holding my breath for them to quit.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Oh I know.. my first post was about emotional distance and his mum being an adult.

A year ago I told a friend of mine to go to the doctor to check out something she described to me. I never asked her if she went. Then about 4 months ago she mentioned the symptoms again and I told her she really should check it out, I pointed out that varying things she'd done to treat the symptoms hadn't had any effect. Then a couple weeks ago she finally went to the doctor, 1 year after I told her to and 2 years after another friend told her to. She's got cancer, quite likely to be rather advanced. Now yes she's an adult but you know the next time someone tells me something like that I am going to be such a freaking pain on their ass about it that they will probably not want to be my friend any more.. but I won't feel guilty.

 

[Deckerd]

It must be deeply satisfying to have such marvellousness. If only all addicts had someone to tell them they're being cavalier with their health, because of course they don't know that. They none of them care what their addiction is doing to them and their families. If only they all had someone to say "I told you so" every so often. The world would be free of addiction forever.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Smoker?