My Cousin is in a Cult

[thestrangequark]

Does anyone here have experience with cults?

I don't know my cousin well, she grew up in New Orleans and I grew up in Seattle. She is a bit older than me (early to mid 30s, I think), and I've met her only a handful of times. We are Facebook friends, though, and that is how I discovered she had joined a cult, her husband being the person who got her into it.

The cult is called Desteni and presents itself under the guise of an economics-based political movement called Equal Money System. On the surface they look pretty much like any youthful political group (aside from the shaved heads, though they stopped promoting that and my cousin's hair is growing back). They promote animal welfare, environmentalism, human rights, equality, and a lot of other good things. But you don't have to dig deep to see the telltale signs of cultism, and if you do happen to dig deep you find...well, it's bad.

I generally keep drama off Facebook. I've only ever unfriended one person, and never blocked anyone until last night, when my cousin's husband went crazy on my Facebook page. He had only friended me that morning, and in a space of just a few minutes had posted dozens of rude, aggressive, paranoid, and juvenile remarks under posts I'd made over the past months (all of which I removed, and then blocked).

Anyway, this has been my crazy cult experience...does anyone else have a similar experience? Any advice on how to deal with it? I'm still Facebook friends with my cousin (she's never done anything like her husband did). I don't want to just block her, cults are all about isolation.

 

[Gaith]

One of my best friends from high school went Full Mormon while in college... as in proclaimed a literal belief in Noah's Ark and all that jazz.

She got over it eventually... but not through any effort of mine. Alas, we've long since lost contact.

It sounds as though you've solved your immediate problem by blocking the husband. Out of curiosity, where does this couple live?

 

[thestrangequark]

They still live in the south (Louisiana, I think, but a lot of my extended family down there moved from New Orleans to Tennessee after Katrina), but the cult itself is worldwide and based out of South Africa.

 

[Holdfast]

I don't have any real advice, but I would suggest that once someone has fully integrated their beliefs with those of another organisation, it's exceptionally difficult for them to independently will themselves out of it. This isn't unique to cults, by the way, it's true for any organisation or even lifestyle, but obviously the deliberately all-encompassing nature of a cult exaggerates & magnifies the effect. It usually takes some sort of significant event for them to want to try to live differently. Logical argument alone rarely does the trick, I'm afraid to say.

I hope your cousin manages to extricate herself somehow. Remaining in touch with her (provided it's safe to do so) and gently encouraging any chinks in the armour is probably all you can practically do. As for the more practical problem of her husband impacting your life, it sounds like you've done what you can to protect yourself from him. More generally, unless active harm is being done or high risks are being generated, authorities are probably quite unlikely to actively intervene. At least, that would be the situation in this country and from what I gather, I suspect they'd be even less likely to intervene in the US.

Good luck, though.

 

[thestrangequark]

^Yeah, I don't think it's to the point where intervention by authorities coud be justified. But I worry about her kids, especially given the behavior displayed by her husband.

The weird and interesting thing about this specific cult is its use of the internet. While they have a ranch in South Africa, the cult is genuinely worldwide, and more strongly based in social networking, blogs, and youtube that in any physical basis. The cult's ideals were originally spread through youtube videos, and it's brainwashing materials are sold as online courses. All the cult members are on Facebook and all have the cult's logo on their profile pictures...it relies strongly on self-isolation. It's interesting, but strange. I thought my insane family had covered all the craziness possible, but I never expected cultism to affect my life!

 

[TheBrew]

The best thing you can do is to just let it alone unless your cousin is in some physical danger. My brother is in what I almost consider a religious 'cult' and what I've learned is to just ignore it and make positive remarks on his life that aren't related to his group. Making sure that we have a positive relationship and avoiding attacking his beliefs has caused him to soften up his stances.

He's still heavily involved, but at least he's decided to not move away and become a monk and is instead pursuing an education to make a living. I like to think that me giving positive reinforcement for the stuff he does that I do like and not giving negative reinforcement for the stuff that he does that I disagree with in addition to trying to live by example has helped him not be as radical.

Your cousin will believe what she believes; if you attack that belief it will make it stronger. Make your beliefs just more attractive to draw her to you. However with her being in LA and having a crazy husband, you are unlikely to win in this. Just live by example and don't hold grudges so that if that day comes when she leaves the cult, you and her have a strong relationship already established to prevent relapse.

 

[thestrangequark]

Well, like I said, I don't actually know her that well, so a close relationship isn't likely to happen. I've never actually discussed her beliefs with her at all, when she started posting all the cult nonsense on Facebook I just blocked it from my feed. It's just a strange thing to have happen, because one never expects it to happen to one's own family.

I hope your brother continues to make good choices -- cults are frightening things. It sounds like you've handled a difficult situation extremely well. It's one thing to have a cousin involved, I'd imagine it would be very different if it were my brother.

 

[Sephiroth]

If you think your cousin is in danger, I can extract her.

 

[Emher]

Eek. Now your status update on facebook makes more sense. I don't really have any experience with cults. Closest is my mom's cousin who lives in witness protection due to her psycho ex-husband.

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

[thestrangequark]

^Yeah...it was pretty freaky.

If you think your cousin is in danger, I can extract her.

Sorry, I wasn't really sure how to respond to this -- it isn't an offer one expects. No, thanks...I don't think it is quite to that point yet, nor do I think I would be the correct person to make that choice.

 

[iguana_tonante]

If you think your cousin is in danger, I can extract her.

You should really stop spouting this super-macho bullshit, especially when talking about board members' loved ones.