Monkeys on the loose where I live!

[Mallory]

Group of Monkeys Escapes from OHSU

BEAVERTON, Ore. -- A group of monkeys escaped from their cages Friday at an Oregon Health & Science University campus, leading OHSU to warn the public to steer clear of the primates.

The escape occurred when a caretaker cleaned an outdoor cage that housed nine monkeys, said Jim Newman, an OHSU spokesman.

"One of our cage cleaners accidentally left a lock off a cage," Newman said. "The cage was closed; however, the animals were able to slide the door open and get out.

"Of the nine monkeys that escaped, Newman said four monkeys were quickly captured and another was caught by Friday night. As of 9 a.m. Saturday, three of the four remaining monkeys were confirmed to be on campus, according to OHSU. The fourth and final monkey is believed to be with the group, but had not been spotted, an OHSU spokesman said.

This is a Level 3 biological containment research center surrounded by 10 foot chain link fence topped by coiled barb wire and it's only two miles from my home. They mess around with all kinds of nasty things there like HIV and Ebola.

Sure, the government says they were just "breeding stock" and not actual lab monkeys, but who here trusts the government 100%?

Any suggestions on how to defend myself from an escaped monkey? For now I'm carrying a banana to throw should I find myself in a face to face encounter with one of these beasts. Especially that fourth monkey, he's a wily one.

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

I think your strategy is already a sound one. However, you may want to take it to the next level.

Keep a bowl of bananas in every room. That way, if a monkey gets in, you should have at least a few extra minutes to get away.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Let's hire JAyson! He'll save us!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Grow loads of banana trees in your garden. Then, when the monkeys are picking the bananas, shoot them in the head from your roof with a sniper rifle. Obviously.

 

[nevermore]

Check the closet! CHECK THE CLOSET!!!

 

[Kira's Mom]

I thought this was a Jayson thread!

 

[Gepard]

I thought this was a Jayson thread!

So did I.

 

[RJDiogenes]

^^ Me, three.

This is funny (and definitely story material), but it is potentially dangerous; I can easily see them lying about the monkeys being just breeding stock.

I don't know how you could defend yourself from a monkey. They're small, but they can be vicious and they work together. I'd just try to stay away from trees and other monkey hiding places until they are all accounted for.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

I think the only reasonable option in situations like this is to allow even deadlier monkeys to roam free and hunt down these escaped monkeys. Really, what could go wrong?

 

[Zulu Romeo]

Any suggestions on how to defend myself from an escaped monkey?

Use a tennis racquet.

 

[Jadzia]

Any suggestions on how to defend myself from an escaped monkey?

I hear they'll do anything for a cup of PG.

 

[Asbo Zaprudder]

Any suggestions on how to defend myself from an escaped monkey?

Send for Bruce Willis.

 

[Jadzia]

I'm sure they're just looking to find freedom. And if it were up to me I'd let them (help them) find it.

I would use sign language to tell them the way to the nearest light aircraft, and they'll fly themselves to the forests.

 

[mimic]

So you're saying...

I do hope Colbert covers this.

 

[Crusher Disciple]

^^ Me, three.

Put me down as fourth.

 

[Mallory]

Update: As of this morning, only one monkey remains on the loose. He's probably the smartest, cleverest one though which may not be a good thing.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

Update: As of this morning, only one monkey remains on the loose. He's probably the smartest, cleverest one though which may not be a good thing.

A picture of this crafty fugitive has been released to the press.

 

[Capn Flukie]

D... dad???

 

[RJDiogenes]

As long as one monkey remains on the loose, there remains the possibility that he will free the others.

 

[Ro_Laren]

Scary! Wasn't there a movie about that...