The situation: after 4 years of friendship, during which time both of us were in other relationships (my marriage was self-destructing, she had a couple of boyfriends), my best friend and I are at long last on the same page about what we mean to each other and are boyfriend/girlfriend in addition to being best friends, and planning out where we are headed. I'm happier than I've been since I moved to Canada in 1997, and I've never seen her in such consistently good spirits. The only time she gets down now is when she has to go back to her family's home. We probably would have happened a lot closer to the end of my marriage, but for a significant issue.
I am a white, agnostic American. She is a brown, Muslim Pakistani (by way of a British upbringing). I pursued her when I was finally in a position to do so, getting rejected multiple times because of these things. She didn't think I fully understood what I'd be getting into, and flat out didn't think her family would let it happen.
I’m not bothered by these differences. Her attitudes are very western because she grew up in England, though she adores her heritage. She’s only bothered by the differences because of what will likely happen when we tell her family. She has often semi-joked that if they were to find out about us they would ship her off to Pakistan. I know that some in her family would even disapprove of her having a platonic gora friend, let alone a boyfriend or husband. She’s been forced into marriage as a teen, only to suffer every type of abuse imaginable. And as a result of her personal experience is highly active in her community about educating people on forced marriage, honor-based violence and abuse. Her family is constantly introducing her to potential suitors, and have even accepted proposals without consulting her, leading to arguments when she says no.
But she’s still full of guilt and loyalty to her family (even though they treat her terribly; I once overheard her mother say to her “Nobody wants to marry a fat girl”…which made me so angry, and she’s been slapped a few times too, which made me even angrier). I once read a quote in a book that “the honor of an Indian family rests squarely upon the shoulders of its daughters.” My girlfriend is burdened with this weighing upon her; it’s been beaten into her since birth.
Despite and because of all this, she wants out of the cycle. She wants to make sure that her future children get to make their own choices. She aspires to start a non-profit that will benefit Muslim women in abusive situations, and create awareness of the cultural issues to those who can implement change here in Canada. She’s been a vocal advocate of what England has done to safeguard young women from forced marriage and give them a way to seek legal help.
I know she’s a remarkably strong woman, she’s already dealt with so much, but everyone has a breaking point. I’m a steadying influence for her, and I know that I can withstand the shitstorm to come, I just need to make sure that she keeps her focus. Her family doesn’t ever have to like me (I actually get along well with her mom, viper that she is), but I fear what it will do to her when they decide to shun her because of me.
She’s sought some advice from a cousin who married a white Christian. The cousin has been very supportive, telling her that the family strife was worth it. I don’t call her names, or put her down. I’ve been on the receiving end of those things and no one deserves it, especially someone you love. She feels safe with me.
So, my question here is for others who may have had a similar situation. How does the person from the more liberal culture and upbringing help the other through the bigoted close-mindedness of her family?
I am a white, agnostic American. She is a brown, Muslim Pakistani (by way of a British upbringing). I pursued her when I was finally in a position to do so, getting rejected multiple times because of these things. She didn't think I fully understood what I'd be getting into, and flat out didn't think her family would let it happen.
I’m not bothered by these differences. Her attitudes are very western because she grew up in England, though she adores her heritage. She’s only bothered by the differences because of what will likely happen when we tell her family. She has often semi-joked that if they were to find out about us they would ship her off to Pakistan. I know that some in her family would even disapprove of her having a platonic gora friend, let alone a boyfriend or husband. She’s been forced into marriage as a teen, only to suffer every type of abuse imaginable. And as a result of her personal experience is highly active in her community about educating people on forced marriage, honor-based violence and abuse. Her family is constantly introducing her to potential suitors, and have even accepted proposals without consulting her, leading to arguments when she says no.
But she’s still full of guilt and loyalty to her family (even though they treat her terribly; I once overheard her mother say to her “Nobody wants to marry a fat girl”…which made me so angry, and she’s been slapped a few times too, which made me even angrier). I once read a quote in a book that “the honor of an Indian family rests squarely upon the shoulders of its daughters.” My girlfriend is burdened with this weighing upon her; it’s been beaten into her since birth.
Despite and because of all this, she wants out of the cycle. She wants to make sure that her future children get to make their own choices. She aspires to start a non-profit that will benefit Muslim women in abusive situations, and create awareness of the cultural issues to those who can implement change here in Canada. She’s been a vocal advocate of what England has done to safeguard young women from forced marriage and give them a way to seek legal help.
I know she’s a remarkably strong woman, she’s already dealt with so much, but everyone has a breaking point. I’m a steadying influence for her, and I know that I can withstand the shitstorm to come, I just need to make sure that she keeps her focus. Her family doesn’t ever have to like me (I actually get along well with her mom, viper that she is), but I fear what it will do to her when they decide to shun her because of me.
She’s sought some advice from a cousin who married a white Christian. The cousin has been very supportive, telling her that the family strife was worth it. I don’t call her names, or put her down. I’ve been on the receiving end of those things and no one deserves it, especially someone you love. She feels safe with me.
So, my question here is for others who may have had a similar situation. How does the person from the more liberal culture and upbringing help the other through the bigoted close-mindedness of her family?
