Kirk leant back in his chair and sighed, then he twisted himself around and looked over at Lieutenant Uhura who was lending her xeno-linguistic skills to this important first contact situation.
"Have they replied?" he asked.
Uhura shook her head. "Sorry Captain, nothing."
Kirk turned back and looked at Commander Spock, "They were the ones that requested the meeting, right? We're at the right party?"
"Certainly, Captain. This is the planet of BeBess, and the BeBessians were most insistent. They needed Federation help."
"So, why don't they answer?" Dr. McCoy grumbled. He put up his hand as a stop sign when he noticed Spock about to answer him. "Never mind," he muttered.
"How many times have you sent the greeting?" Kirk asked Uhura.
"Twice, Captain."
Kirk breathed out slowly, pondering his options. "Okay then, one more time. If this doesn't work we're leaving. The diplomats can figure out what the hell's going on."
Uhura swung round to her work-station and re-sent the original greeting that she had carefully crafted. She monitored for any communication signals sent in reply. The previous two times of sending the message it had been completely ignored, the planet giving no sign of having received it at all. This time, however, was different.
"Return message received, Captain, audio only, no visual" she reported.
"Let's hear it."
Uhura played the message through the bridge speakers.
This is an automated message. You are in violation of the rules of BeBess. You have sent the same message three times in a row without waiting for a response. This is spamming and you have received an infraction for it. Comments to PM.
Kirk looked around at Uhura, "What does that mean?"
Uhura was just as confused, she was about to attempt an explanation when a chime sounded on her work-station. "A follow-up message, Captain."
Kirk grunted, "Maybe this one will make sense. Play it."
Also, it been noticed that these are your first three messages with BeBess. Please pay attention to our rules in future or you will be booted from BeBess.
"Booted?" McCoy asked.
Uhura smiled, "That one I do know - they mean they'll make us leave."
"Friendly, aren't they?" McCoy muttered, "You'd think we were the ones asking for help."
Kirk grinned over at his friend, "But since it is them, maybe we've missed something along the line. Chekov, raise Admiral Pike for me, I'll take it in the briefing room."
* * *
Kirk sat down at the conference table, in front of the communications screen.
Call coming through, now, Captain, Chekov reported.
The screen lit up, and showed Admiral Pike sitting at his desk at Starfleet.
"Kirk. What can I do for you?"
Kirk had given up expecting to ever see Pike show surprise over anything. "The BeBessians, sir. They've been completely ignoring our hails and are now saying they're going to make us leave their space. I thought they asked for our help?"
"They did. They've suffered some sort of catastrophe. Exactly what, our people couldn't translate. Look, the BeBessians live by a strict code of laws, you have to obey those or you won't get a hearing at all. Look at their book of rules, the "Fack", read that. It should tell you what you need."
Kirk sighed, "Wouldn't this be better left to someone more... diplomatic?"
Pike laughed, "Sorry Kirk, you're still in the hot-seat. You're the only ship close and their problem sounded urgent. We need the BeBessians on our side, their planet lies on the edge of current Federation territory. So figure something out. Pike out."
The screen went blank. Kirk ran his fingers through his hair and scratched his scalp in frustration. He sighed, leant forward and pressed the comm-button.
"Senior staff to the briefing room, please."
* * *
Kirk waited for everyone to sit down and then explained the situation. "The BeBessians have asked for the help of the Federation, but we don't know exactly why because it's difficult to tranlate the BeBessian language."
Uhura nodded, "They actually speak English, but their references are very bizarre."
Sulu raised his eyebrows in surprise, "English? This far out? How come?"
"No-one knows how it could have happened, but the BeBessian people seem to have built their society around an old internet message board."
"What's a message board?" Sulu asked, confused.
"I can answer that one, laddie." Scotty interjected, "They were popular in the late-twentieth, early twenty-first century. People would type messages into their computers and they'd be stored on a central server for everyone to read. Message-boards grew up around different hobbies. They... err..." Scotty trailed to a halt as he realised everyone was staring at him in surprise. "It's no' me, it's Keenser, he studies these things in his spare time. Fascinating places he says."
"Then perhaps it is Ensign Keenser's expertise we need," Spock commented.
"Oh aye, if you want to figure out this message-board-thing, then Keenser's your man."
"Admiral Pike said the BeBessians have a strict set of rules governing their society, called the Fack." Kirk said.
"Aye, I've heard Keenser talk about those, that'll be on the messageboard somewhere."
Kirk turned to Uhura, "We have copies of the message-board, don't we?"
Uhura nodded, "As complete as Starfleet was able to manage."
"Good then, get a copy to Keenser. Between the two of you, I hope to make some sense of this." Kirk looked over to Scotty, "I need him to find us a way into BeBess. At the moment they're about to kick us out, but there has to be something."
Scotty nodded, "Never fear, Captain, if it's there, Keenser will find it."
* * *
The next morning, Scotty went hunting for Keenser. He had given him a copy of Uhura's data files on the message-board and left him to it. Scotty knew there was no point looking for him at the work-stations, Keenser didn't find them comfortable, he liked to climb somewhere. Scotty was just starting to look inside the maintenance ducts leading to the port nacelle when he heard his name called.
"Scotty!" It was Keenser.
"Aye. Where are you?"
"Data array."
Scotty crossed engineering to the secure cold room that held the data storage arrays for the ship's computers. He didn't bother going into the room, he knew Keenser wouldn't be in there, instead he took two steps back and looked at the top of the ceiling - the cold room had a separate roof from the rest of engineering because it had to be small.
"You up there, big lad?"
His answer was a skittering, shuffling noise as Keenser scrambled to the edge of the room, and clasping his workpad to his chest, Keenser jumped off the roof landing gently in front of Scotty.
"Found it!" Keenser said proudly.
"A way to talk to the BeBessians?" Scotty asked.
Keenser nodded, and showed Scotty his work-pad, "Moderator Actions" he said.
"Nice work!" Scotty said, impressed. "Come on then, you'll need to explain this to the Captain."
* * *
With some help from Uhura, since he didn't like talking much at the best of times and was completely overwhelmed by the idea of talking to all of the senior staff on the bridge, Keenser explained how the rule of Moderator Actions worked.
"So, it gets us direct access to the BeBessian leader, the T'Bonz?" Kirk asked.
Keenser nodded and looked up at Uhura who explained, "It's their court of last resort Captain. BeBessian society has several layers of authority and if a citizen feels like they haven't been treated fairly they can invoke the Moderator Actions rule. There are rules around when you can do it, you have to go through the other levels of justice first: Moderators and Admins."
"But how can we do that? No-one will even say hello!" McCoy complained.
"No response clause." Keenser said.
"They have special rules dealing with situations where a person can't contact any moderators" Uhura elaborated with a smile. "So long as you have tried to directly contact the moderators and given them time to answer, then even without a response you can invoke Moderator Actions and go straight to the T'Bonz."
"And has enough time passed for us?" Spock asked.
Uhura nodded, "Yes, they use one BeBessian day as a time requirement. So we're good to go."
"Send the message then," Kirk ordered. "Let them know we're coming."
Uhura moved round to the communications station and opened a channel to BeBess. "BeBessian Moderators, this is a personal message from Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise. We have tried for more than one day to speak to someone and no-one has answered. All we have received is an infraction for spamming. This is not fair. The Captain requests a hearing in Moderator Actions."
Almost immediately an audio response arrived. A woman's voice spoke with an amused tone, "We aren't used to people asking so nicely for an MA hearing. Come on in."
Kirk looked over at Spock with a smile, "Looks like we're getting somewhere. Spock, Scotty, Uhura come with me." He stood up and strode over to the turbo-lift, pausing to smack McCoy on the shoulder, "You too, Doc." he said with a grin.
* * *
The group of five officers materialised in the main square of the BeBessian planetary captial. Facing them was a long paved avenue with what looked like a circular seating area at the far end.
"Thattaway." said Kirk grinning and he set off down the avenue.
When they arrived at the seating circle, they saw a raised dias with a chair in the centre and lower platform with ten seats on either side of the dias. Around then from the platform were tiers of benches.
Uhura leant her head close to Kirk's and spoke softly, "The T'Bonz sits in the center, the moderators and admins sit on the platform. Any BeBessian is welcome to come in and participate if they want to, they sit on the benches. Address everything to the T'Bonz."
Kirk nodded.
A moment later, a procession started to enter through a side area, at the head was a woman with regal bearing. "The T'Bonz" Uhura said quietly. Following her were twenty men and women, who took their seats and chatted quietly with each other. Kirk was impressed by the relaxed nature of this meeting, although he could see that the T'Bonz was taking it very seriously.
The other BeBessians had obviously been waiting to be allowed in, because once the moderators and admins were seated, hundreds of them started streaming in, and sitting down on the benches, calling out hellos to each other and the moderators.
Once everyone was seated, the T'Bonz rapped on the floor with a heavy staff. "Moderator Actions is open" she announced, her voice carrying clearly across the circle. Everyone went silent.
"Captain Kirk. We will hear your complaint."
Kirk stepped forward, "I am Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise. I represent the United Federation of Planets. You asked for our help, but I've been ignored."
The T'Bonz nodded. "Yes, my apologies. We have been suffering a spate of attacks from spam-bots recently, so we're operating under heightened security. Your messages got lost in the mix. We do need your help, the spam-bots keep attacking, we have pop-ups and pop-unders, malware is eating our software and there are viruses and infections that don't go away."
On finally hearing two words that he actually understood, Dr McCoy stepped forward. "Madam, I am a doctor. If you have a viral infection, then I can help."
The T'Bonz smiled, "Glad to hear it Doctor!" She stood up, "Come with me." The T'Bonz strode out of the circle, Dr McCoy glanced at Kirk, who nodded, and then headed after the T'Bonz.
"Uhura, go with him, he'll need translation help. You too, Scotty, in case it's a technical issue."
* * *
Captain's Log - Luckily for everyone, the root problem was a medical one that McCoy was able to solve. An severe outbreak of Mandelorian Pox, easily cured and the doctor and his medical team are now vaccinating the population. After this I will be appending official commendations to the records of Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Keenser. Without their work understanding the BeBessian society we would never have succeeded.
And now, I have to go back to the planet to meet with the T'Bonz again.
* * *
The five officers stood once more in the centre of the circle facing the T'Bonz.
She stood up, "I have called you back to officially thank you and your crew, Captain Kirk. You have helped us a lot. I also want to make sure there are no further mix-ups in communications. Therefore, from here on out, Captain Kirk, your name will be written in green."
The BeBessian population rose in applause and cheers, while Kirk stood confused, trying to decide on his response. Uhura leaned in close and whispered, "It's a good thing Captain, it means you'll have moderator status in all communications."
"Oh! Ah... thank you!"
"Have they replied?" he asked.
Uhura shook her head. "Sorry Captain, nothing."
Kirk turned back and looked at Commander Spock, "They were the ones that requested the meeting, right? We're at the right party?"
"Certainly, Captain. This is the planet of BeBess, and the BeBessians were most insistent. They needed Federation help."
"So, why don't they answer?" Dr. McCoy grumbled. He put up his hand as a stop sign when he noticed Spock about to answer him. "Never mind," he muttered.
"How many times have you sent the greeting?" Kirk asked Uhura.
"Twice, Captain."
Kirk breathed out slowly, pondering his options. "Okay then, one more time. If this doesn't work we're leaving. The diplomats can figure out what the hell's going on."
Uhura swung round to her work-station and re-sent the original greeting that she had carefully crafted. She monitored for any communication signals sent in reply. The previous two times of sending the message it had been completely ignored, the planet giving no sign of having received it at all. This time, however, was different.
"Return message received, Captain, audio only, no visual" she reported.
"Let's hear it."
Uhura played the message through the bridge speakers.
This is an automated message. You are in violation of the rules of BeBess. You have sent the same message three times in a row without waiting for a response. This is spamming and you have received an infraction for it. Comments to PM.
Kirk looked around at Uhura, "What does that mean?"
Uhura was just as confused, she was about to attempt an explanation when a chime sounded on her work-station. "A follow-up message, Captain."
Kirk grunted, "Maybe this one will make sense. Play it."
Also, it been noticed that these are your first three messages with BeBess. Please pay attention to our rules in future or you will be booted from BeBess.
"Booted?" McCoy asked.
Uhura smiled, "That one I do know - they mean they'll make us leave."
"Friendly, aren't they?" McCoy muttered, "You'd think we were the ones asking for help."
Kirk grinned over at his friend, "But since it is them, maybe we've missed something along the line. Chekov, raise Admiral Pike for me, I'll take it in the briefing room."
* * *
Kirk sat down at the conference table, in front of the communications screen.
Call coming through, now, Captain, Chekov reported.
The screen lit up, and showed Admiral Pike sitting at his desk at Starfleet.
"Kirk. What can I do for you?"
Kirk had given up expecting to ever see Pike show surprise over anything. "The BeBessians, sir. They've been completely ignoring our hails and are now saying they're going to make us leave their space. I thought they asked for our help?"
"They did. They've suffered some sort of catastrophe. Exactly what, our people couldn't translate. Look, the BeBessians live by a strict code of laws, you have to obey those or you won't get a hearing at all. Look at their book of rules, the "Fack", read that. It should tell you what you need."
Kirk sighed, "Wouldn't this be better left to someone more... diplomatic?"
Pike laughed, "Sorry Kirk, you're still in the hot-seat. You're the only ship close and their problem sounded urgent. We need the BeBessians on our side, their planet lies on the edge of current Federation territory. So figure something out. Pike out."
The screen went blank. Kirk ran his fingers through his hair and scratched his scalp in frustration. He sighed, leant forward and pressed the comm-button.
"Senior staff to the briefing room, please."
* * *
Kirk waited for everyone to sit down and then explained the situation. "The BeBessians have asked for the help of the Federation, but we don't know exactly why because it's difficult to tranlate the BeBessian language."
Uhura nodded, "They actually speak English, but their references are very bizarre."
Sulu raised his eyebrows in surprise, "English? This far out? How come?"
"No-one knows how it could have happened, but the BeBessian people seem to have built their society around an old internet message board."
"What's a message board?" Sulu asked, confused.
"I can answer that one, laddie." Scotty interjected, "They were popular in the late-twentieth, early twenty-first century. People would type messages into their computers and they'd be stored on a central server for everyone to read. Message-boards grew up around different hobbies. They... err..." Scotty trailed to a halt as he realised everyone was staring at him in surprise. "It's no' me, it's Keenser, he studies these things in his spare time. Fascinating places he says."
"Then perhaps it is Ensign Keenser's expertise we need," Spock commented.
"Oh aye, if you want to figure out this message-board-thing, then Keenser's your man."
"Admiral Pike said the BeBessians have a strict set of rules governing their society, called the Fack." Kirk said.
"Aye, I've heard Keenser talk about those, that'll be on the messageboard somewhere."
Kirk turned to Uhura, "We have copies of the message-board, don't we?"
Uhura nodded, "As complete as Starfleet was able to manage."
"Good then, get a copy to Keenser. Between the two of you, I hope to make some sense of this." Kirk looked over to Scotty, "I need him to find us a way into BeBess. At the moment they're about to kick us out, but there has to be something."
Scotty nodded, "Never fear, Captain, if it's there, Keenser will find it."
* * *
The next morning, Scotty went hunting for Keenser. He had given him a copy of Uhura's data files on the message-board and left him to it. Scotty knew there was no point looking for him at the work-stations, Keenser didn't find them comfortable, he liked to climb somewhere. Scotty was just starting to look inside the maintenance ducts leading to the port nacelle when he heard his name called.
"Scotty!" It was Keenser.
"Aye. Where are you?"
"Data array."
Scotty crossed engineering to the secure cold room that held the data storage arrays for the ship's computers. He didn't bother going into the room, he knew Keenser wouldn't be in there, instead he took two steps back and looked at the top of the ceiling - the cold room had a separate roof from the rest of engineering because it had to be small.
"You up there, big lad?"
His answer was a skittering, shuffling noise as Keenser scrambled to the edge of the room, and clasping his workpad to his chest, Keenser jumped off the roof landing gently in front of Scotty.
"Found it!" Keenser said proudly.
"A way to talk to the BeBessians?" Scotty asked.
Keenser nodded, and showed Scotty his work-pad, "Moderator Actions" he said.
"Nice work!" Scotty said, impressed. "Come on then, you'll need to explain this to the Captain."
* * *
With some help from Uhura, since he didn't like talking much at the best of times and was completely overwhelmed by the idea of talking to all of the senior staff on the bridge, Keenser explained how the rule of Moderator Actions worked.
"So, it gets us direct access to the BeBessian leader, the T'Bonz?" Kirk asked.
Keenser nodded and looked up at Uhura who explained, "It's their court of last resort Captain. BeBessian society has several layers of authority and if a citizen feels like they haven't been treated fairly they can invoke the Moderator Actions rule. There are rules around when you can do it, you have to go through the other levels of justice first: Moderators and Admins."
"But how can we do that? No-one will even say hello!" McCoy complained.
"No response clause." Keenser said.
"They have special rules dealing with situations where a person can't contact any moderators" Uhura elaborated with a smile. "So long as you have tried to directly contact the moderators and given them time to answer, then even without a response you can invoke Moderator Actions and go straight to the T'Bonz."
"And has enough time passed for us?" Spock asked.
Uhura nodded, "Yes, they use one BeBessian day as a time requirement. So we're good to go."
"Send the message then," Kirk ordered. "Let them know we're coming."
Uhura moved round to the communications station and opened a channel to BeBess. "BeBessian Moderators, this is a personal message from Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise. We have tried for more than one day to speak to someone and no-one has answered. All we have received is an infraction for spamming. This is not fair. The Captain requests a hearing in Moderator Actions."
Almost immediately an audio response arrived. A woman's voice spoke with an amused tone, "We aren't used to people asking so nicely for an MA hearing. Come on in."
Kirk looked over at Spock with a smile, "Looks like we're getting somewhere. Spock, Scotty, Uhura come with me." He stood up and strode over to the turbo-lift, pausing to smack McCoy on the shoulder, "You too, Doc." he said with a grin.
* * *
The group of five officers materialised in the main square of the BeBessian planetary captial. Facing them was a long paved avenue with what looked like a circular seating area at the far end.
"Thattaway." said Kirk grinning and he set off down the avenue.
When they arrived at the seating circle, they saw a raised dias with a chair in the centre and lower platform with ten seats on either side of the dias. Around then from the platform were tiers of benches.
Uhura leant her head close to Kirk's and spoke softly, "The T'Bonz sits in the center, the moderators and admins sit on the platform. Any BeBessian is welcome to come in and participate if they want to, they sit on the benches. Address everything to the T'Bonz."
Kirk nodded.
A moment later, a procession started to enter through a side area, at the head was a woman with regal bearing. "The T'Bonz" Uhura said quietly. Following her were twenty men and women, who took their seats and chatted quietly with each other. Kirk was impressed by the relaxed nature of this meeting, although he could see that the T'Bonz was taking it very seriously.
The other BeBessians had obviously been waiting to be allowed in, because once the moderators and admins were seated, hundreds of them started streaming in, and sitting down on the benches, calling out hellos to each other and the moderators.
Once everyone was seated, the T'Bonz rapped on the floor with a heavy staff. "Moderator Actions is open" she announced, her voice carrying clearly across the circle. Everyone went silent.
"Captain Kirk. We will hear your complaint."
Kirk stepped forward, "I am Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise. I represent the United Federation of Planets. You asked for our help, but I've been ignored."
The T'Bonz nodded. "Yes, my apologies. We have been suffering a spate of attacks from spam-bots recently, so we're operating under heightened security. Your messages got lost in the mix. We do need your help, the spam-bots keep attacking, we have pop-ups and pop-unders, malware is eating our software and there are viruses and infections that don't go away."
On finally hearing two words that he actually understood, Dr McCoy stepped forward. "Madam, I am a doctor. If you have a viral infection, then I can help."
The T'Bonz smiled, "Glad to hear it Doctor!" She stood up, "Come with me." The T'Bonz strode out of the circle, Dr McCoy glanced at Kirk, who nodded, and then headed after the T'Bonz.
"Uhura, go with him, he'll need translation help. You too, Scotty, in case it's a technical issue."
* * *
Captain's Log - Luckily for everyone, the root problem was a medical one that McCoy was able to solve. An severe outbreak of Mandelorian Pox, easily cured and the doctor and his medical team are now vaccinating the population. After this I will be appending official commendations to the records of Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Keenser. Without their work understanding the BeBessian society we would never have succeeded.
And now, I have to go back to the planet to meet with the T'Bonz again.
* * *
The five officers stood once more in the centre of the circle facing the T'Bonz.
She stood up, "I have called you back to officially thank you and your crew, Captain Kirk. You have helped us a lot. I also want to make sure there are no further mix-ups in communications. Therefore, from here on out, Captain Kirk, your name will be written in green."
The BeBessian population rose in applause and cheers, while Kirk stood confused, trying to decide on his response. Uhura leaned in close and whispered, "It's a good thing Captain, it means you'll have moderator status in all communications."
"Oh! Ah... thank you!"
That was great. Thanks and merry Christmas to you, too, trampledamage.
