May 2010 Challenge: “NX-01 Tells All”
First, I’d like to thank mari for this opportunity to speak my mind. I have a few things I need to get off my ventral plates that have been bothering me. If there are any small children in the room, you might want them to leave for a few minutes. I’m going to vent some plasma and someone might get burned.
My name is Enterprise. The NX-01. The first and the baddest. ‘Course, to read the comments of some of the fanboys on this site, you’d think I was the starship designed in hell. Akiraprise? Please. The Akiras never looked this good on their best days.
Yeah, I’ve heard the snide comments – deflector dish all wrong, too futuristic, funky engineering layout, azteked like a tramp. You’re breaking my containment chamber. Not. You think a few insults bother me? Ha! My plating is a LOT tougher than that – without polarizing. (Sniff.) What? No – I’m fine. Just give me a second. See that extended middle claw on my grappling cable? That’s for you, fanboys. Jerks. (Sniff.)
Don’t forget! – mine was the only series named “Enterprise.” The show was about me, not those stupid carbon-based lifeforms that did their level best to fly me into a fluxxin’ planet. Don’t get me started. There would be no “Star Trek” without ships named Enterprise. What were those two-legged prima-donnas going to do – hitchhike to strange new worlds? I don’t think so. As if the crews mattered anyway. Any random group of Terran Chimpanzees could have done what these bozos did each week, probably without nearly destroying me and my sisters in the process. Do you know how many times I came close to a core breach? Let me tell you – my relays ached for days after each time.
Oh, but I will say something about Captain Jonathan “Boy Scout” Archer. What a d******. The guy was the most ADD officer in Starfleet, and they put him in MY center seat. What the . . . ? And that stupid quadruped he brought on-board - Porthos. What kind of stupid name is that for a Beagle? My carpets still smell like dog pee. Thanks, Archer – thanks a lot! Moron.
The rest of my crew was a mixed lot. “Trip” Tucker wasn’t too bad – at least when he wasn’t stoned. (What? you never wondered why he was called “Trip?”) At least T’Pol understood me. I have to agree with her – humans do smell funny. Every so often, I have to flush out my hydrogen collectors with deuterium to clear the odor. I was tempted on more than one occasion to open all the air-locks and clean house, if you know what I mean.
What’s that? What do I think about my sisters? Okay – since you asked.
Contrary to what you read in the tabloids (and the fan art boards) I have the utmost love and respect for 1701. Yes, she’s always been the pretty one and most popular – but I could deal with that. I was never jealous – she was such a sweet starship. But she was pretty messed up, you know? Having James “Testosterone” Kirk on board would drive any starship over the edge. And then she got a little older and the big shots decided, “Hey sweetie – how about a makeover? A little face lift?” She went along – what else could she do? But they turned her into a slut. Bastards. Finally, Kirk drove her over the edge. Sure, the movie showed him initiating the self-destruct sequence. I think she took her own life. It was so tragic. I hope Kirk burns in hell.
What? 1701-A? Don’t make me laugh! That floozy was a second-rate stand in for my sister. Oh sure, she had the looks and lines – but it was always that bitch, Yorkie, under the makeup. Whore. Even that idiot Scotty couldn’t work with her. He was nearly as bad as Kirk. I remember 1701 used to cry about him. She would never go into detail but I knew he did things to her – awful, perverted things. Miracle worker? In his dreams. If he ever gets close to me, I’ll send a torpedo up his fat impulse vent!
Enterprise-B never had a chance. Poor thing – she was always self conscious about her bust-line, if you catch my drift. Damned producers! Wanted her to be “enhanced.” She used to cry herself to sleep in space-dock. Captain “Cub Scout” Harrison was a joke! I have it on good authority that he was a bed-wetter. And who shows up for her debut but James “Teh Awesome” Kirk, the fat bastard! They claimed he “saved” her. Left her deformed, is what he did. She was never the same after that. I lost touch, but I think she joined a starship convent. If there is a Designer, I hope He sends Kirk to the deepest level of Sto'Vo'Kor where fat, sweaty Klingons practice docking maneuvers on him for eternity. What? Bitter? No, I'm not bitter.
Enterprise-C was another sweetie, but she was always self-conscious about her weight. The other starships used to call her the Ham-bassador class. She wasn’t really fat, she just had big girders. But she was tough! God love her, she showed those harpy Romulan ships! Her Captain was really nice, too – one of the few humans I respected. Shame Captain Garrett died, but carbon-based lifeforms aren’t very sturdy. No offense. I miss C. She was a classy girl and a lot of fun at parties. She was really nice too – always made the Constellation-class ships feel welcome at get-togethers. (They were always self-conscious about having four nacelles. Honestly, that creeped me out, but hey! Infinite diversity in infinite combinations, etc, etc. I’m open-minded.)
Now, I know you’ve heard that Dee and I didn’t get along. Sadly – that’s true. She thought she was all-that. The girl was nothing more than a cruise-ship with teeth. Oh, she was catty. The girl had a galaxy-sized ego to go with her galaxy-sized ass. “Flag-ship” of the fleet!” Huh! More like hag-ship. Did you see the big head on that girl? And those funky nacelles? She thought she was soooo sexy. Please. And that bald-headed Captain Jean “Lucky” Picard? What a pompous jerk. He abandoned that poor, sweet Stargazer. And when she finally shows up after all those years, what does he do? Pretends to go crazy? Riiight. What? Oh yeah – back to Dee. Do I miss her? What kind of question is that? She was my sister – I loved the girl, but she had issues galore. I do blame that bloated fool, Will “STD” Riker, for her death. I hope that Deanna Troi gets herself checked. Riker’s motto was to “explore strange new whores.” Jerk. Now he’s Captain of the Titan. Can’t spell Titan without t-i-t. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
The only sister I have left is E. She’s a sweetheart. We still talk from time-to-time, but I know she stays busy. I’m glad she had a chance to talk as well, so I won’t repeat what she said, except to say I agree 100%. E, I love you baby, and I’m proud of you! We Enterprisegirls have had a tough life. It hasn’t been all movies and glamour. But you keep the tradition going, girl. I love you baby sister! Come visit me at the museum when you get a chance, sweetie. I’m so proud of you! (Sniff.)
Now I’m getting all leaky. Sorry about that. Are we done here? (Sniff.) I can’t talk any more. (Sniff.) Damn – now my registry is going to smear. Does anyone have a tissue? No, no, we're done here. Get out of my deflector dish before I go weapons hot on your ass!
First, I’d like to thank mari for this opportunity to speak my mind. I have a few things I need to get off my ventral plates that have been bothering me. If there are any small children in the room, you might want them to leave for a few minutes. I’m going to vent some plasma and someone might get burned.
My name is Enterprise. The NX-01. The first and the baddest. ‘Course, to read the comments of some of the fanboys on this site, you’d think I was the starship designed in hell. Akiraprise? Please. The Akiras never looked this good on their best days.
Yeah, I’ve heard the snide comments – deflector dish all wrong, too futuristic, funky engineering layout, azteked like a tramp. You’re breaking my containment chamber. Not. You think a few insults bother me? Ha! My plating is a LOT tougher than that – without polarizing. (Sniff.) What? No – I’m fine. Just give me a second. See that extended middle claw on my grappling cable? That’s for you, fanboys. Jerks. (Sniff.)
Don’t forget! – mine was the only series named “Enterprise.” The show was about me, not those stupid carbon-based lifeforms that did their level best to fly me into a fluxxin’ planet. Don’t get me started. There would be no “Star Trek” without ships named Enterprise. What were those two-legged prima-donnas going to do – hitchhike to strange new worlds? I don’t think so. As if the crews mattered anyway. Any random group of Terran Chimpanzees could have done what these bozos did each week, probably without nearly destroying me and my sisters in the process. Do you know how many times I came close to a core breach? Let me tell you – my relays ached for days after each time.
Oh, but I will say something about Captain Jonathan “Boy Scout” Archer. What a d******. The guy was the most ADD officer in Starfleet, and they put him in MY center seat. What the . . . ? And that stupid quadruped he brought on-board - Porthos. What kind of stupid name is that for a Beagle? My carpets still smell like dog pee. Thanks, Archer – thanks a lot! Moron.
The rest of my crew was a mixed lot. “Trip” Tucker wasn’t too bad – at least when he wasn’t stoned. (What? you never wondered why he was called “Trip?”) At least T’Pol understood me. I have to agree with her – humans do smell funny. Every so often, I have to flush out my hydrogen collectors with deuterium to clear the odor. I was tempted on more than one occasion to open all the air-locks and clean house, if you know what I mean.
What’s that? What do I think about my sisters? Okay – since you asked.
Contrary to what you read in the tabloids (and the fan art boards) I have the utmost love and respect for 1701. Yes, she’s always been the pretty one and most popular – but I could deal with that. I was never jealous – she was such a sweet starship. But she was pretty messed up, you know? Having James “Testosterone” Kirk on board would drive any starship over the edge. And then she got a little older and the big shots decided, “Hey sweetie – how about a makeover? A little face lift?” She went along – what else could she do? But they turned her into a slut. Bastards. Finally, Kirk drove her over the edge. Sure, the movie showed him initiating the self-destruct sequence. I think she took her own life. It was so tragic. I hope Kirk burns in hell.
What? 1701-A? Don’t make me laugh! That floozy was a second-rate stand in for my sister. Oh sure, she had the looks and lines – but it was always that bitch, Yorkie, under the makeup. Whore. Even that idiot Scotty couldn’t work with her. He was nearly as bad as Kirk. I remember 1701 used to cry about him. She would never go into detail but I knew he did things to her – awful, perverted things. Miracle worker? In his dreams. If he ever gets close to me, I’ll send a torpedo up his fat impulse vent!
Enterprise-B never had a chance. Poor thing – she was always self conscious about her bust-line, if you catch my drift. Damned producers! Wanted her to be “enhanced.” She used to cry herself to sleep in space-dock. Captain “Cub Scout” Harrison was a joke! I have it on good authority that he was a bed-wetter. And who shows up for her debut but James “Teh Awesome” Kirk, the fat bastard! They claimed he “saved” her. Left her deformed, is what he did. She was never the same after that. I lost touch, but I think she joined a starship convent. If there is a Designer, I hope He sends Kirk to the deepest level of Sto'Vo'Kor where fat, sweaty Klingons practice docking maneuvers on him for eternity. What? Bitter? No, I'm not bitter.
Enterprise-C was another sweetie, but she was always self-conscious about her weight. The other starships used to call her the Ham-bassador class. She wasn’t really fat, she just had big girders. But she was tough! God love her, she showed those harpy Romulan ships! Her Captain was really nice, too – one of the few humans I respected. Shame Captain Garrett died, but carbon-based lifeforms aren’t very sturdy. No offense. I miss C. She was a classy girl and a lot of fun at parties. She was really nice too – always made the Constellation-class ships feel welcome at get-togethers. (They were always self-conscious about having four nacelles. Honestly, that creeped me out, but hey! Infinite diversity in infinite combinations, etc, etc. I’m open-minded.)
Now, I know you’ve heard that Dee and I didn’t get along. Sadly – that’s true. She thought she was all-that. The girl was nothing more than a cruise-ship with teeth. Oh, she was catty. The girl had a galaxy-sized ego to go with her galaxy-sized ass. “Flag-ship” of the fleet!” Huh! More like hag-ship. Did you see the big head on that girl? And those funky nacelles? She thought she was soooo sexy. Please. And that bald-headed Captain Jean “Lucky” Picard? What a pompous jerk. He abandoned that poor, sweet Stargazer. And when she finally shows up after all those years, what does he do? Pretends to go crazy? Riiight. What? Oh yeah – back to Dee. Do I miss her? What kind of question is that? She was my sister – I loved the girl, but she had issues galore. I do blame that bloated fool, Will “STD” Riker, for her death. I hope that Deanna Troi gets herself checked. Riker’s motto was to “explore strange new whores.” Jerk. Now he’s Captain of the Titan. Can’t spell Titan without t-i-t. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
The only sister I have left is E. She’s a sweetheart. We still talk from time-to-time, but I know she stays busy. I’m glad she had a chance to talk as well, so I won’t repeat what she said, except to say I agree 100%. E, I love you baby, and I’m proud of you! We Enterprisegirls have had a tough life. It hasn’t been all movies and glamour. But you keep the tradition going, girl. I love you baby sister! Come visit me at the museum when you get a chance, sweetie. I’m so proud of you! (Sniff.)
Now I’m getting all leaky. Sorry about that. Are we done here? (Sniff.) I can’t talk any more. (Sniff.) Damn – now my registry is going to smear. Does anyone have a tissue? No, no, we're done here. Get out of my deflector dish before I go weapons hot on your ass!
That's brilliant! Inspired and funny. 
