Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

[JuanBolio]

Hmm... well I can't speak for everyone, but fear of that kind is not something that's really present in my life. I simply think its better to be prepared, and if it ever comes down to a situation where its either my life or someone else's, I'd prefer the latter.

 

[FrontLine]

Buy a Handgun and learn to use it, assuming you don't have one already. Semi-Automatics are best, preferably a 9mm Beretta or Colt 1911 firing .45 ACP.

In fact, don't tell anyone about the gun. Just have it as your little ace in the hole.

Is a gun not a tad excessive though?

How is having the option of killing a potential rapist and murderer if necessary "excessive"?

Having firearm for defense available against the POTENTIAL threat is good. Being prepared does not turn one into a vigilante and is not excessive. Even the SCOTUS agrees that citizens are responsible for their own security and the US Law Enforcement agencies are only reactionary forces. Going about your business while prepared for a possible threat is perfectly normal and acceptable in our society. Doing so doesn't mean that one is paranoid, it means that one is prudent. This is much in the same vein that you have a fire extinguisher in your kitchen or you have automobile insurance above and beyond the bare minimums. You don't want to have a kitchen fire or get into a catastrophic wreck, but should it happen, you will be prepared.

However using a firearm against a POTENTIAL threat is a no-no. A firearm should only be used when you feel that your life or the life of another is in danger. A firearm should never be a first line of defense. It should be your 2nd to last, the last being curled up in a ball begging not to die should you every find your self in that situation.

Finally no one should be forced to carry or looked down upon if they choose not to as no one in our nation should be looked down upon for deciding to be prepared. That is a personal decision.

Some have advocated carrying in this thread, some have merely provided data for the OP to make use of or not. In the end the decision is the OPs.

However the OP needs to pay heed to this:

I've had this happen to me, more than once and I know what you should do.

If he graps you by the arm, it's assault.

If he graps you by the arm, It's false imprisonment

If he trys to kiss you While holding your arm, it's sexual assault

Tell EVERYONE, call the police everytime, insist on a police report - get a copy, keep a log of time, date and places. take photographs or better videos, a camera that imprints time and date is best. all these will help get the eventual restraining order, honey they're almost useless but get one anyway. Don't kick him in the balls, it's not as effective as you think - that's from movies.

The first time you call the police make it a time both he and his wife are home, after the police talk to you they'll drive to his house, everyone wiil see, his wife will see.

Pepper spray doesn't work on ten percent of the population.

That is from someone else who has unfortunately become an expert in this type of situation by being in the OPs position. Again there is a wealth of advice given from folks with a life times experience in this type of situation who are trying to make her aware of the very real potential of danger.

 

[Colonel Green]

Here is the situation as I see it:

Most of those who have posted in this thread feel that this situation is more threatening than Cakes does.

This doesn't mean Cakes is wrong, though - we all need to remember that. She's not a fool and she's met the guy whereas we haven't, and that gives her an enormous advantage.

On the other hand, that doesn't mean she's right, either. Some of the people who have contributed to this thread are speaking from direct experience. That's both an advantage and a disadvantage, though. It's an advantage because they might very well pick up clues that the rest of us miss. But it's a disadvantage because they also might project their own experience into what Cakes has experienced.

And of course several of us have thought of possible actions that Cakes didn't think of - including some fairly simple things she could easily do herself (such as getting the pepper spray or whatever, making the house as secure as possible, etc.). The disadvantage is that some of the things that have been suggested, Cakes either doesn't feel right about doing or doesn't feel are warranted at this time.

But after all those pluses and minuses...well, it's Cakes who's going to have to take whatever action is taken. We don't really want her to drop all her instincts and her experience and do whatever we say, do we? Well, OK, maybe we kind of do...but kind of don't, too. I mean, that wouldn't be right. And it wouldn't be Cakes, either.

So...just be careful, OK? For the sake of our peace of mind, maybe you could be a little more cautious than perhaps you are inclined to be? I for one would really appreciate it!

Yes I'm cautious...I have to tell you upstate is perfect place for having sex...but it's few and far between (really far right now ) that I bring men up there because i'm overly cautious about people knowing my address and location up there. I'm a New Yawka...I'm pretty aware of my surroundings and clockin who's doing what.

Thank you for articulating for me Kate...I appreciate it and I've left details out of the story because I really didn't want to type every detail of the story I figured nobody really wants to read that.

A guy looking twice at a woman is not committing a crime. it was the barging into her house uninvited bit that got to me. You don't do that to someone you respect and it seems he has no respect for her as as person with rights. Not good.

The guy sounds creepy. Stay safe!

So about this barging in buisness...this was one of the shortcuts I took in telling the story... Now he did come in the screened in porch... but he was over the weekend before (the weekend the advances that were made and rebuffed) ...he gave me $ for weed and he was still under the impression that we're friends and he at the very least had found a weed buddy. So he walked in and I ushered him out...believe me I wasn't my friendly self and I immediately gave him back his $$ and he said oh you don't need to do that and I said yeah I do because we're not going to be smoking together and we're not hanging out. It's inappropriate and I feel bad doing it behind Jeans back. He said Ok yes you're right...at that point I expected an apology for his actions of the weekend before but there was none forthcoming. We made small talk about july 4th and he was on his way. So the bottom line is I think he still thought we were cool and he was walking into his new found friends place...the place he was in last weekend and he thought it was ok...I set him straight on that...he hasn't done it again. Doesn't explain the are you alone shit but I think that he's just hoping there's some chance we can still hang out...so that's why I'm going to go over it again with him and I think rather than saying I'll have Jean explain it to you ...I'm going to ask him if he comprehends what the fuck I'm saying. Cuz I'll break the shit down again and again to get it through his fuckin skull that there is absolutely zero chance of us hangin out in any way, shape, or form.

Paragraphs, please!

I would love to give my two bits, but I can barely read this!

 

[JuanBolio]

Having firearm for defense available against the POTENTIAL threat is good. Being prepared does not turn one into a vigilante and is not excessive. Even the SCOTUS agrees that citizens are responsible for their own security and the US Law Enforcement agencies are only reactionary forces. Going about your business while prepared for a possible threat is perfectly normal and acceptable in our society. Doing so doesn't mean that one is paranoid, it means that one is prudent. This is much in the same vein that you have a fire extinguisher in your kitchen or you have automobile insurance above and beyond the bare minimums. You don't want to have a kitchen fire or get into a catastrophic wreck, but should it happen, you will be prepared.

However using a firearm against a POTENTIAL threat is a no-no. A firearm should only be used when you feel that your life or the life of another is in danger. A firearm should never be a first line of defense. It should be your 2nd to last, the last being curled up in a ball begging not to die should you every find your self in that situation.

Finally no one should be forced to carry or looked down upon if they choose not to as no one in our nation should be looked down upon for deciding to be prepared. That is a personal decision.

I agree completely. If I came across as having implied that a gun should be pulled at the first hint of danger, then I have to say that was not at all my intent.

 

[RAMA]

Absolutely do not buy a handgun if you don't already have one. Its a statistical fact that homeowners in possession of firearms have a higher rate of injury and death when it comes to burglaries/home invasion. You're just looking for trouble if you wield one.

RAMA

 

[JuanBolio]

Absolutely do not buy a handgun if you don't already have one. Its a statistical fact that homeowners in possession of firearms have a higher rate of injury and death when it comes to burglaries/home invasion. You're just looking for trouble if you wield one.

RAMA

Statistics can be misleading. If you know what you're doing with one, there's no reason for this to be true.

 

[Deckerd]

Kestra I'm sorry I'm not jumping at the advise...but this isn't the advise I expected...at all!

Doesnt mean its not the right advice either. Look if you only wanted some one to parrot what you wanted to hear then why start the thread where many people have replied, giving advice, based on their life's and personal experience and expertise? To ignore that advice does indeed imperil your life. That is not an exaggeration.

There are a few here like Bear and TSQ who have had terrible experiences but 'advising' her to get a gun when she is clearly never going to do this is not good advice. Sorry and all that but there it is. As soon as I read the OP I knew loads of people would go right off the deep end when clearly Cakes is not afraid and is just worried that she would be ruining a reasonably peaceful neighbourhood by complaining. My tuppenceworth is tell him to back the hell off and if it doesn't work, then go public.

 

[JustKate]

Why does no one respect the fact that the woman said she does not want a gun? If she's not willing to kill the guy on sight, and it sure doesn't sound like she is, the gun is more likely to be used on her.

Agreed. Not only that, but if she feels uncomfortable around a gun she could easily miss and hit someone else, herself, or just anger the guy more. In this case a gun does not seem like a good idea.

I agree, too. I am not by any means anti-gun. (I grew up with guns in the house, and I know how to shoot, although not very well. In fact we have two shotguns right now, although they aren't particularly defensive right at the moment, being disassembled in a closet, sans ammunition!) But aside from all other considerations, if you aren't comfortable with guns, a gun probably won't help you, and it might very well backfire (figuratively, not literally ).

It takes time to become comfortable with guns. It's not as simple as "I'm going to take responsibility for my safety - I'm going to get a gun and learn how to shoot it." I mean, you do have to get it and learn how to shoot it...but you also have to learn how to handle it. There's a lot more to handling a gun than just shooting it. And then you have to figure out where to keep it. And then you have to rehearse using it. You have to just generally accustom yourself to using it to defend yourself - that's another level of expertise altogether.

So for one thing...how will getting a gun help her right now? It won't. It probably wouldn't help her much a month from now, either. It might eventually help her, if she wants it to, but in the meantime she needs to take other steps, easier steps - and it's very possible that some of those steps will be just as effective.

And you never know - it might actually make her feel less secure. It's not logical, I know, but sometimes taking strong security measures makes you feel less secure than you did in the first place.

Guns simply are not the answer to every threat. I sometimes wish it were that simple, really, but it's just not.

As soon as I read the OP I knew loads of people would go right off the deep end when clearly Cakes is not afraid and is just worried that she would be ruining a reasonably peaceful neighbourhood by complaining. My tuppenceworth is tell him to back the hell off and if it doesn't work, then go public.

Yep. That's my 2 cents' worth, too.

 

[FrontLine]

Absolutely do not buy a handgun if you don't already have one. Its a statistical fact that homeowners in possession of firearms have a higher rate of injury and death when it comes to burglaries/home invasion. You're just looking for trouble if you wield one.

RAMA

Link please because IIRC that myth has been busted.

 

[Misfit Toy]

Statistics can be misleading. If you know what you're doing with one, there's no reason for this to be true.

Are you talking about guns or statistics, 'cause your statement applies to both.

 

[exodus]

Absolutely do not buy a handgun if you don't already have one. Its a statistical fact that homeowners in possession of firearms have a higher rate of injury and death when it comes to burglaries/home invasion. You're just looking for trouble if you wield one.

RAMA

Link please because IIRC that myth has been busted.

It doesn't matter, Cakes has said "no" to the idea.
So continued arguing about the facts of gun use is pointless.

Besides, we're not here for a pissing contest on gun facts. Were supposed to be helping her in her situation.

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

My behavior while married was far from impeccable, but I think you should report this guy to the cops and if necessary get an order against him. And alert his wife.

 

[FrontLine]

Absolutely do not buy a handgun if you don't already have one. Its a statistical fact that homeowners in possession of firearms have a higher rate of injury and death when it comes to burglaries/home invasion. You're just looking for trouble if you wield one.

RAMA

Link please because IIRC that myth has been busted.

It doesn't matter, Cakes has said "no" to the idea.
So continued arguing about the facts of gun use is pointless.

Besides, we're not here for a pissing contest on gun facts. Were supposed to be helping her in her situation.

Two different issues. Ive already addressed Cakes, here I was addressing the statement by Rama. Im not into a pising contest, but if someone were to make a statement that the moon is made out of cheese and present it as fact few on the board would let that statement stand with out being challenged. That's all that I did.

 

[exodus]

Link please because IIRC that myth has been busted.

It doesn't matter, Cakes has said "no" to the idea.
So continued arguing about the facts of gun use is pointless.

Besides, we're not here for a pissing contest on gun facts. Were supposed to be helping her in her situation.

Two different issues. Ive already addressed Cakes, here I was addressing the statement by Rama. Im not into a pising contest, but if someone were to make a statement that the moon is made out of cheese and present it as fact few on the board would let that statement stand with out being challenged. That's all that I did.

Dude, I love you and you know I do but that just sounds petty.

 

[msbae]

So Cakes, have you dealt with the Scumbag yet?

 

[JuanBolio]

So Cakes, have you dealt with the Scumbag yet?

Good question. I too, am curious. Any further dealings, Cakes?

Sorry if I heaped on the praises of guns after you'd said "no" to the idea, by the way. I must've missed that post.

 

[T'Girl]

... it was the older cop who told me to buy a gun.

Turning into an armed vigilante in your own home

Usual I like getting a bit off topic. It's fun, and this is an important side issue.

But there's someone here who could very well need our help.

I'll jump down off my hobby horse, if you will.


T'Girl

 

[Cakes488]

But don't you think just the threat of me telling Jean would squash it all. Shouldn't that horrify him and send him running with his tail between his legs?

Based on the behavior you described, I'm forced to say no.

He's exhibiting all the classic mannerisms of an obsessive stalker. You should tell his wife but, it won't be to stop him. I expect that it will only make him mad. The reason you should tell his wife is so she knows what's going on and so she can help you.

LOL he is NOT an obsessive stalker (thank god)...this situation would be a lot more serious if that were the case...I would not be fucking around...I don't think I'm superwoman.

You are way behind the game here, Cakes. This man essentially molested you with the drunken pawing. Alcohol does not produce that behavior; it reveals it. You are in danger, and you haven't been reacting appropriately.

To think you've lived with this BS all summer!
No more making up stories about friends coming over. The .

LOL he did NOT molest me!! I would of enjoyed it a smidge more if he had....seriously, though I would not classify it as molestation...he tried several times, he was denied and he hasn't done it again. I don't think he'd dare touch me again...oh no.

Why does no one respect the fact that the woman said she does not want a gun? If she's not willing to kill the guy on sight, and it sure doesn't sound like she is, the gun is more likely to be used on her.

I have to tell you...if this situation did escalate or if I found myself really in the middle of some guy stalking me...yes I think I may change my position and arm myself...I'll be dammed if some stalker guy is going to have the upper hand on me. Self defense classes etc... are helpful too and they can be very effective.

How does being armed in case you need to defend yourself make you a vigilante? Granted, there's a small change of anything happening, but if someone is breaking down your door, armed with a gun, how long can you afford to wait for the cops to show up? What if he cut the phone line? What do you do then?

I don't tend to spend my days worrying about insanely unlikely things happening to me. Also, its the 21st Century. I have a mobile.

That's great, but a lot of places don't get service, particularly out in the woods where Cakes is. I agree that such an event is unlikely, but if it DOES happen and you're faced with it, its nice to have an option other than "lay down and die".

Also, you didn't qualify your vigilante remark. Last I checked self-defense wasn't considered vigilantism.

This is true. I'm very lucky that I get reception on my property, when it's cloudy or rainy it suffers. Go down the block and there's nothing. All along route 97 and the Delaware River...nothing. It's very spotty in some areas. Also Verizon seems to have the best coverage...just sayin.

Paragraphs, please!

I would love to give my two bits, but I can barely read this!

Paragraphs or not...it still would be barely readable.

But I'll make it easy for you...just tell me to get a restaining order...!

... it was the older cop who told me to buy a gun.

Turning into an armed vigilante in your own home

Usual I like getting a bit off topic. It's fun, and this is an important side issue.

But there's someone here who could very well need our help.

I'll jump down off my hobby horse, if you will.


T'Girl

Please do get sidetracked! I'm the queen of sidetracking!!
I never understand that..it's only natural that other things come up that need to be discussed...sidetracking is heathly and gosh darnit it's just fun.

Well I'm sorry to get back on track for a second but I didn't see not hide nor hair (and i mean that literally since he's a little hairy beast) of him all weekend...not even a drive by. Now I did have the boys and we were causin a ruckus in the backyard with badminton...so he would of heard I had company. I didn't' even think about his sorry ass, forgot all about it. I think that's good.

I've assesed the security situation and it's pretty good.
On the screened in porch I do have a metal bar that goes across the door. On my door from the porch into the house there's 3 locks on that door. My front door I have the reg. lock and a chain lock.

So I'm pleased that there is nothing to report...half of me thinks/feels that I never will have an "update" thinking that the last cold encounter he had with me did it and than the other half is thinking no...this asshole is going to keep pushing it.

 

[msbae]

But don't you think just the threat of me telling Jean would squash it all. Shouldn't that horrify him and send him running with his tail between his legs?

Based on the behavior you described, I'm forced to say no.

He's exhibiting all the classic mannerisms of an obsessive stalker. You should tell his wife but, it won't be to stop him. I expect that it will only make him mad. The reason you should tell his wife is so she knows what's going on and so she can help you.

LOL he is NOT an obsessive stalker (thank god)...this situation would be a lot more serious if that were the case...I would not be fucking around...I don't think I'm superwoman.

Based on your description of his behavior, he certainly sounded like a stalker.

 

[JuanBolio]

Based on your description of his behavior, he certainly sounded like a stalker.

I dunno. I'd call him a wannabe at best. He hasn't done anything overtly threatening. All in all he sounds like a coward with an overactive fantasy.