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Looking for critiques of my writing

Explaining the language thing would give away a plot point that I don't want to reveal yet. Sorry.

As for the Remington's size and complement, that I'm not totally sure about. Since I'm revamping the design, that's something I'll have to work out later.
 
Ok, I have a question for anyone who's reading this: how do you suggest honing my narrative-writing skills? I don't have any issue writing dialogue, but as you can see by comparing my fiction to others, the non-dialogue portions are severely lacking. I just have trouble envisioning how to write it in my head.
 
Why not try engaging in other people's work and perhaps they will return the favour, rather than expecting to receive people's time yet giving nothing back?

Go and critique other members work and generate some goodwill that could result in those members wishing to return the favour.

Sometimes you get what you give.
 
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