Looking for critiques of my writing

[Kevin W.]

Well, I have to slightly modify the schpiel I was going to write since it's no longer 2012, but here goes.

I was quite involved in the Trek fan fic scene from 2006-2008. Unfortunately, things happened (mostly four years at a university) and I stopped working. Well, other things happened (I graduated) and mid-last year I started working again. It's been a slow process because I've mostly been working on finding my feet after several years of stagnation, so I only have a few pages of the new first episode of my series written.

I know I'm not as good as most fic writers at this point, but I know I can be. It's just a question of how. Obviously I can't tell myself how to make myself a better writer, so that's why I'm posting this here (among other sites) to get the critiques from other writers.

A note before you read any further: though what I've written so far doesn't involve divergences yet, my series takes place in a parallel universe from standard Trek. Think of my continuity as a sine wave where y=0 is Prime Trek. There are times where my continuity matches up and times where it doesn't. I feel that this gives me flexibility to work with a canon that has issues with continuity and also gives me the freedom to completely disregard anything and everything associated with that abomination of a film created by JJ Abrams. More on that rant later.

Anyway, on to the real reason why I'm posting this - episode one (WIP) of Star Trek: Remington.

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B-DNbUE0EKNHY1FaM3RmblA4UTA

Oh, and thanks to the lovely people over at the Star Trek Photomanipulation Archive, I've started re-casting the cast for their photomanipulations. First up is Timothy Hutton as Captain Richard Boswell.

 

[T'Girl]

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B-D...1FaM3RmblA4UTA

So we can't read this unless we have a google email?

Which not everybody does.

 

[Kevin W.]

That's not right... I have it set as anyone can view with no sign-in required. WTF?

EDIT: I just checked it by signing out and viewing it anonymously and it worked for me. I'm not sure what issue you're having.

 

[T'Girl]

Didn't work yesterday, okay now.

 

[Kevin W.]

Hooray!

Please, don't be afraid to be harsh and broad in your criticism. I know there is much room for improvement and I want to know everything I can do to fix it.

 

[Sandoval]

When will people tire of badly photoshopping actors faces onto Star Trek publicity shots?

 

[Kevin W.]

That matter is entirely subjective.

 

[T'Girl]

First five page have me engaged in the story, I'm wondering whose ship that is. I'm hoping it is a race we've never encountered before.

Why are the Romulans signing formal peace treaty with the Federation? They were allies during the Dominion War. Did I miss something?

 

[Kevin W.]

I see the post-Dominion War situation as similar to the post-World War II situation between the US and the Soviet Union, and the Shinzon incident finally pushed both sides to say "You know what? Fuck it, let's put an end to this crap."

 

[Gibraltar]

I see the post-Dominion War situation as similar to the post-World War II situation between the US and the Soviet Union, and the Shinzon incident finally pushed both sides to say "You know what? Fuck it, let's put an end to this crap."

Wait, how many years post-DW is your story set? I didn't think the events of Nemesis had occurred yet.

 

[Kevin W.]

The story starts in 2383.

 

[Gibraltar]

The story starts in 2383.

Ah, okay, that wasn't made terribly clear at the outset. I'd thought this was occurring perhaps six-months to a year after the end of the war.

Your writing style is spare, but that's a good thing. I'm always having to go back and chop my stuff up because it's too wordy. Your character dialogue is solid, but you might consider punching up the narrative with a few more details to set the scene. The atmosphere or decorations of a certain compartment where a conversation is taking place, for instance, or a more detailed description of the characters' physical traits.

I noticed that you've dropped us right into the action without a lot of setup or back story. That's good to catch the reader's attention early, as you can always add more back story to the various characters later on as the tale progresses.

All in all, a good start.

 

[Kevin W.]

Yes, writing the narrative portions has always been a sticking point for me. That is caused, in part, by the fact that way back in the day (holy hell, it's been six/seven years since I started working on this series) I was writing in script form. The transition to prose has been a relatively new development.

 

[Kevin W.]

Also, the latest update is online.

 

[T'Girl]

writing the narrative portions has always been a sticking point for me.

This style is fine, by this point I think we all know what a bridge looks like. It isn't necessary describe the interior of the captain's ready room unless there's a feature that is relevant to the story.

 

[Kevin W.]

Believe it or not, I do actually have a diagram of the Remington's bridge, though I do admit it's quite old and I may or may not redesign it.



If I redesign it, it'll take cues from the E's bridge, of course.

 

[Sandoval]

This style is fine, by this point I think we all know what a bridge looks like. It isn't necessary describe the interior of the captain's ready room unless there's a feature that is relevant to the story.

Well said.

 

[Kevin W.]

Oh, another thing: the division structure in Remington is more sub-divided, like the TMP and TWOK systems.

- Red - Command and administration

- Lavender - Flight operations

- Gold - Operations and security

- Bronze - Engineering

- Blue - Sciences

- White - Medical

Also, green for the Marine Corps and gray for the Starfighter Corps.

 

[Angry Fanboy]

Angry Fanboy

I glanced at those and thought they were knives!

 

[T'Girl]

Liked the two additional pages, a question. When K'Tan was speaking with Veni, was the universal translator in play, or were they speaking a common language?

Nothing wrong with a common language, Star Trek does this all the time.