Long term relationships: How to keep them alive?

[Shikarnov]

Hi All,

I've been with my wife going on six years, and I feel a little like the bloom is falling off the rose. My jokes don't seem to be funny anymore, my stories -- even new ones -- have become predictable, and romantic overtures like flowers, sweet text messages, and etc are being met with dubious looks and claims that I'm interested in getting laid (which is not untrue, lol, but in the past she would have been thrilled, both to receive and give), and she doesn't smile when I enter the room anymore. I try to change it up and keep things fresh, but I have to admit that this situation is deflating and makes it hard to be creative.

All this has had the frightening effect that I'm finding myself attracted to others who find me to be funny, interesting, and generally appreciate who I am and what I offer. And now I'm really not sure what to do aside from trying to avoid these women as much as possible and put my energy into the marriage. But "how?" is my biggest question. Nothing I do seems to be working...

So if anybody here who's been in long relationships has some advice, I'd love to hear it.

Thanks,

Z

 

[Kestra]

Continue to work on yourself independent of the relationship? I mean, if your stories and all are getting a bit predictable, maybe it's time for you to seek out some new interests yourself.

Think about when things are good between the two of you, and figure out what's working there. Sex is important, but so is the friendship between the two of you.

Do you feel the same way about her? Is she getting less interesting? It's got to work both ways, with both people putting in the effort for each other. I think it's also really easy to slip into a parallel lives type thing, where you are together, but kind of doing your own thing a lot of the time. Keep making efforts to connect with each other. Maybe there's something else going on with her. Is she unhappy with her life, and that's why she's not as receptive to you anymore? Try talking to her to see how she's doing, both in your relationship and as an individual.

And try not to seek too much comfort elsewhere, whether it's work, friends, or pretty ladies. It's tempting to avoid problems and sometimes it's good to take a step back, but ultimately your problems won't get any better if you're avoiding each other. In fact, they can get considerably worse.

Good luck! I married the strangest person I had ever met precisely so that I wouldn't get bored. Things may not always be smooth between us, but they'll never be boring.

 

[ares93]

Good luck! I married the strangest person I had ever met precisely so that I wouldn't get bored. Things may not always be smooth between us, but they'll never be boring.

Now thats funny. Forgive me for saying so, but it is. The idea is logical, but i just never met (well internet doesnt count as "met", but anyway) someone who have said what you said. I'm sure it happens, i just never heard reasoning before.

I did the opposite, although i'm not married. My friends tell me i'm dating a female version of myself. Personality-wise I mean, i don't think i would look good with brown/blue hair for instance.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but hey, I'm 19.

 

[sojourner]

Gonna go out on a limb here and say talk to her, not us.

 

[Shikarnov]

Gonna go out on a limb here and say talk to her, not us.

Tried that already. Her reply, "I don't know."

Continue to work on yourself independent of the relationship? I mean, if your stories and all are getting a bit predictable, maybe it's time for you to seek out some new interests yourself.

It's not so much an absence of new material. It's just like she knows how I think so even a story about something new, she has an idea where I'm going with it...

Think about when things are good between the two of you, and figure out what's working there. Sex is important, but so is the friendship between the two of you.

Things aren't bad, per se. Just I kinda miss the girlfriend that was elated by my arrival. Some days now I don't get much more than an acknowledgment that I entered the room.

Do you feel the same way about her? Is she getting less interesting?

I don't know if I'd say she's less interesting, so much as less inspiring. Whether it's true or not, it's said that women enter relationship hoping for things to change/evolve and men enter a relationship hoping things will stay largely the same. In my case, at least, those early-relationship behaviors energized me, and I wish she hadn't changed. When she smiled because of something I did, it was like fuel in my heart.

It's got to work both ways, with both people putting in the effort for each other. I think it's also really easy to slip into a parallel lives type thing, where you are together, but kind of doing your own thing a lot of the time. Keep making efforts to connect with each other. Maybe there's something else going on with her. Is she unhappy with her life, and that's why she's not as receptive to you anymore? Try talking to her to see how she's doing, both in your relationship and as an individual.

I know she's not thrilled with life. We moved two years ago, and it's been tough on her, as she's not a natural socialite. She misses friends and family -- but at the same time doesn't take advantage of clubs or community events and etc to meet people. I've done so independently, but now she's not interested in going out with "my" friends. <sigh>

And try not to seek too much comfort elsewhere, whether it's work, friends, or pretty ladies.

It's not like I'm trying to avoid her, but at the same time it's hard to ignore that which you crave.

It's tempting to avoid problems and sometimes it's good to take a step back, but ultimately your problems won't get any better if you're avoiding each other. In fact, they can get considerably worse.

I realize this, which is why I said I'm doing all I can to keep my focus on the marriage. I'm just fresh out of ideas...

Good luck! I married the strangest person I had ever met precisely so that I wouldn't get bored. Things may not always be smooth between us, but they'll never be boring.

lol. Indeed.

 

[JarodRussell]

Well sometimes, it just doesn't work out, be it after 6 days, 6 weeks or 6 years. And if it doesn't work, then it's better for both to let go, instead of living together unhappily ever after.

If she says "I don't know." you really need to keep poking for a real answer. None of you two can be really happy forever in a relationship based on "I don't know".

I know she's not thrilled with life. We moved two years ago, and it's been tough on her, as she's not a natural socialite. She misses friends and family -- but at the same time doesn't take advantage of clubs or community events and etc to meet people. I've done so independently, but now she's not interested in going out with "my" friends. <sigh>

In essence this means she gave up a lot to move with you, and it turns out she's not satisfied, she doesn't adjust as well to new stuff as you do. So without knowing any details, I can only say that it might, maybe, perhaps, be your turn to give something up for her. Moving back perhaps to the friends and family she's happy with?

 

[DonIago]

I'm hardly one to talk (relationships? what're those?) but I have to admit I either have enough of a fragile ego or am simply neurotic enough that if I tried talking to my SO about problems in our relationship and they replied, "I don't know what to do about it," that, depending on tone, I'd either suggest relationship counseling (oh hey, nobody's brought that one up yet) or might be left feeling like they really don't care too much whether the relationship stays intact. And there's no point to maintaining a relationship that's just limping along, IMO.

 

[JarodRussell]

If she says "I don't know." you really need to keep poking for a real answer.

I'd either suggest relationship counseling (oh hey, nobody's brought that one up yet)

Good point. You could let the counselor do the poking, too.

 

[DonIago]

One advantage to having a counselor do it is that at least then you don't come across as confrontational...of course, some might take the idea of seeking counseling as an attempt to be confrontational, but when neither of you know how to resolve things I think it would be pretty harsh to get agitated over the idea of seeking help from a 3rd party.

That being said I'm not sure she'd be too thrilled about you airing your concerns to a bunch of total strangers without having talked to her about it first.

 

[Shikarnov]

In essence this means she gave up a lot to move with you, and it turns out she's not satisfied, she doesn't adjust as well to new stuff as you do. So without knowing any details, I can only say that it might, maybe, perhaps, be your turn to give something up for her. Moving back perhaps to the friends and family she's happy with?

Unfortunately, in this housing market, that's a lot easier said than done...

One advantage to having a counselor do it is that at least then you don't come across as confrontational...of course, some might take the idea of seeking counseling as an attempt to be confrontational, but when neither of you know how to resolve things I think it would be pretty harsh to get agitated over the idea of seeking help from a 3rd party.

Counseling is a good idea. I'll get some local names and will run it by her.

That being said I'm not sure she'd be too thrilled about you airing your concerns to a bunch of total strangers without having talked to her about it first.

Strangers? No way. I've been on this board for 10 years now. Y'all are friends, at least as a collective, even if we haven't shared beers individually.

 

[Timby]

You say you've been with your wife for nearly six years, which means that it's not just one of you who's changed -- both of you will have undergone very significant life changes during that time, and you may not have even realized it.

Just on your own time, without involving your wife, take a personal inventory. Make a list of everything that described your situation in life, your personality, your work, your emotions, etc., six years ago. Then do the same for where you are today. Additionally, look at any resentments you may have, fears, insincerity, changes that have happened during that time, and so on. And be honest -- just write it down on paper or in a Word document. It's for no one but you. (And resist the temptation to even subconsciously do the same for your wife.)

It's really easy to fall into a trap of thinking, "Why doesn't my wife act the way she used to?" But part of relationships, especially marriage, is growth, both for better and worse, and it's easy to say, "I'm changing it up, but nothing is working," without actually working on it. When you say "I've changed things up and there's no response," all that says is that you're treating the symptoms, not the problem.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

I've been with Man for 6 years and sometimes it does get humdrum and predictable. When it gets like this we plan a day out, just the two of us, somewhere we don't know anyone and something completely different.

Neither of us like heights so we'd plan trips to tall buildings or attractions (the London Eye was fun!). When you're out of your 'comfort zone' you pull together and it's just the pair of you amongst the strangers.

We've done cocktails and opera, crazy golf and sitting on the pier watching the starlings, theatre, museums, art galleries, anything that inspires different conversation and a new perspective.

A day out, or if you can manage a weekend away might get you back talking true again?

Just a thought ~ it works for us.
Good luck Shik.

 

[O'Dib]

Marriage counseling? ETA: been mentioned. Oh well, consider it another vote for the idea.

 

[Myasishchev]

Routine mindwipes.

 

[sidious618]

You say you've been with your wife for nearly six years, which means that it's not just one of you who's changed -- both of you will have undergone very significant life changes during that time, and you may not have even realized it.

Just on your own time, without involving your wife, take a personal inventory. Make a list of everything that described your situation in life, your personality, your work, your emotions, etc., six years ago. Then do the same for where you are today. Additionally, look at any resentments you may have, fears, insincerity, changes that have happened during that time, and so on. And be honest -- just write it down on paper or in a Word document. It's for no one but you. (And resist the temptation to even subconsciously do the same for your wife.)

It's really easy to fall into a trap of thinking, "Why doesn't my wife act the way she used to?" But part of relationships, especially marriage, is growth, both for better and worse, and it's easy to say, "I'm changing it up, but nothing is working," without actually working on it. When you say "I've changed things up and there's no response," all that says is that you're treating the symptoms, not the problem.

I've nothing to add other than that this was a really good post. Of course, once you've amde the list and look at where you stand now might come more problems but, in a way, they're good problems.

 

[RoJoHen]

I'm not married, but everybody I know describes my roommate and I as a "married couple," so I have to imagine the relationship isn't all that different.

I've been "with" my roommate (that sounds ridiculous) for about 7 years, and we have gone through our share of ups and downs. The main thing that I have found really helps, and this might sound weird, is that we tend to minimize the time we spend together. We don't do it on purpose, but we have very different schedules, different hobbies, and we have our own separate groups of friends, so we don't always see a lot of each other.

The benefit of this is that we end up enjoying our time together more. I might go 3-4 days without speaking to him, and then on the fifth day we've both accumulated stories and have a lot more fun hanging out. Not only do we have more to talk about, but we've grown to miss each other's company.

Now, I'm not saying to avoid her, but I don't think you should try to force her to enjoy your company all the time. Sometimes people just need a break from other people, regardless of how much they love them.

I might also recommend taking up a hobby together. Maybe something new that you get together and do once or twice a week. You can only do so much bonding when you're sitting around trying to force conversation. I've always found it much easier to grow closer to someone if you are doing something together. Take a dance class. Start playing racquetball. Start doing some volunteer work. Just start doing something that will give you some common ground to build off of again.

 

[Velocity]

I've been married for 36 years to the same man. Only marriage for both of us. I have to say that marriage evolves. That white hot all encompassing involvement in each other changes into something more comfortable after a certain amount of time. Also, marriage isn't always equal between partners. One may be needier at different times than the other. It isn't an exaggeration to say that I love my husband now more than ever. I guess it is being married longer than we haven't been married, shared experiences like raising our 3 kids, burying our parents, taking care of each other and just enjoying each other's company. There's no secret that works for everyone, but marriage does take work. Having someone who cares what happens to you is definitely worth the work.