Lets talk about .. overcoming social phobia

[Kestra]

To my defense, I didn't interpret it as intimate relationships, but as normal, platonic relationships with coworkers.

Oh, I didn't mean it as sexually intimate relationships. I guess that's kind of one of my points. What might seem like a normal, casual level of friendship to you might seem deep and intimate to others, depending on how private they are. It's one thing to be polite to people, it's another thing to be comfortable divulging information about yourself.

 

[Mary Ann]

...You have Asperger's, that kicks ass. I wish I did. I could be a total dick to people and they could say nothing because 'I have Aspergers mate, I don't know any better'. If someone had a go at you for being a dick to them, it would mean that they hate disabled people.

And it would mean that you were a dick for taking unnecessary advantage of your disability, so you wouldn't deserve any respect. It's idiotic attitudes like yours which help to hold back mainstream society's acceptance of disabled people. If you really think like this then my autistic 10-year-old has better morals and social skills than you do.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I have Tourette's but I still have the decency to apologize when I involuntarily punch someone.

 

[JarodRussell]

I have Tourette's but I still have the decency to apologize when I involuntarily punch someone.

Oh, that can be awkward.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I have Tourette's but I still have the decency to apologize when I involuntarily punch someone.

Oh, that can be awkward.

Especially in bed.

 

[Captain_Nick]

And it would mean that you were a dick for taking unnecessary advantage of your disability, so you wouldn't deserve any respect. It's idiotic attitudes like yours which help to hold back mainstream society's acceptance of disabled people. If you really think like this then my autistic 10-year-old has better morals and social skills than you do.

Way to miss the point of my post.

 

[propita]

I was simultaneously very talkative and anti-social. I'd talk a lot, but otherwise avoided making friends. Still that way. Recent classmates couldn't believe that I'd hesitate to ask questions or communicate--but I'd spent many years at work before going back to school in labs by myself.

Since March of this year, I'd say I've been very anti-social. First it was studying for the Bar; now it's that I don't want to bother anyone. There are many days that I speak only to Hubby before and after his work, and to my Mom in short phone calls. I think I'm a bit depressed, but I can't bring myself to care about it too much.

 

[Captain_Nick]

Here's a question to consider.

We are all fairly bright people, right? Intellectualism comes easily to us. It's a reasonable assumption to make, I think. I have observed that a lot of you are well versed in science, or mathematics, history, philosophy, and other really brainy type subjects.

So, if you are socially phobic or Aspergers, think about this - have you ever applied your intelligence to the question of interacting with other people?

Recently an uncle of a friend of mine passed away. He was about fifty five years of age, never married, no kids and a bit of a recluse. He had odd mannerisms; for example when he come around to visit you he would get up and leave without saying goodbye. Apparently it took years for my friends family to socialise him to a somewhat acceptable degree. But he was very intelligent, and quite loaded with money as well. Now that he has died they are talking about 'undiagnosed Aspergers'. It's a bit late now!

So my question to the deceased would be, why did you not apply your extraordinary intelligence to the question of socialising with your fellow man? Like everything else, social skills can be learnt, and they are independant of 'natural ability' or genetics. I would suggest that learning how to interact with different people is the same as learning how to solve differential equations; it is labourous and painful but with practice you will get proficient at it and your life will improve as a result.

(The same can be said for any human endeavour. I am a couple of weeks away from playing my first Aussie Rules game yet as a kid I was the most unco nerd you could imagine)

Smart people are people who for whatever reason are a bit quicker at picking up new skills. (I believe this is a product of experience and belief, not innate nature. Everyone can be smart if they want to be)

Why then should we tolerate even one second more of social phobia? By rights, we should be the best at human interaction, the same way we are the best at everything else.

Between all of us, I would expect the formulation of at least some theories on the causes of shyness and social phobia, and some methods for combating them.

 

[Kestra]

Intelligence covers a wide range, and just because you're good at math doesn't mean you'll pick up everything else as well. Some skills are easily learned or memorized, some are more concrete, abstract, subtle. My husband is absolutely brilliant but he lacks random social skills. Things that seem common sense to me and 90% of people will totally pass him by. It's difficult to learn something when you don't even know there's an absence.

If we're talking actual phobia, then anxiety can have totally irrational effects on a person. It's not something you can just reason your way out of all the time.

Finally, I think many people are quite content to be less sociable, to interact little with other people or to speak bluntly. They may not see the need to work on their social skills, and in fact that need may not exist.

 

[JarodRussell]

Here's a question to consider.

We are all fairly bright people, right? Intellectualism comes easily to us. It's a reasonable assumption to make, I think. I have observed that a lot of you are well versed in science, or mathematics, history, philosophy, and other really brainy type subjects.

So, if you are socially phobic or Aspergers, think about this - have you ever applied your intelligence to the question of interacting with other people?

Recently an uncle of a friend of mine passed away. He was about fifty five years of age, never married, no kids and a bit of a recluse. He had odd mannerisms; for example when he come around to visit you he would get up and leave without saying goodbye. Apparently it took years for my friends family to socialise him to a somewhat acceptable degree. But he was very intelligent, and quite loaded with money as well. Now that he has died they are talking about 'undiagnosed Aspergers'. It's a bit late now!

So my question to the deceased would be, why did you not apply your extraordinary intelligence to the question of socialising with your fellow man? Like everything else, social skills can be learnt, and they are independant of 'natural ability' or genetics. I would suggest that learning how to interact with different people is the same as learning how to solve differential equations; it is labourous and painful but with practice you will get proficient at it and your life will improve as a result.

(The same can be said for any human endeavour. I am a couple of weeks away from playing my first Aussie Rules game yet as a kid I was the most unco nerd you could imagine)

Smart people are people who for whatever reason are a bit quicker at picking up new skills. (I believe this is a product of experience and belief, not innate nature. Everyone can be smart if they want to be)

Why then should we tolerate even one second more of social phobia? By rights, we should be the best at human interaction, the same way we are the best at everything else.

Between all of us, I would expect the formulation of at least some theories on the causes of shyness and social phobia, and some methods for combating them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_multiple_intelligences

 

[Captain_Nick]

What use is that theory, except to give people an excuse to not achieve their full potential?

 

[Captain_Nick]

Intelligence covers a wide range, and just because you're good at math doesn't mean you'll pick up everything else as well. Some skills are easily learned or memorized, some are more concrete, abstract, subtle. My husband is absolutely brilliant but he lacks random social skills. Things that seem common sense to me and 90% of people will totally pass him by. It's difficult to learn something when you don't even know there's an absence.

Wise indeed is the man who knows that he knows nothing.

The rest of us have to settle for thinking we know some things. I know that if you believe you are good or no good at something, then that belief causes the reality to manifest. So if you wander around saying 'I'm good at maths, but I'm awkward around people' you have created a self fulfilling prophecy. Why would you choose to believe this? Far better to believe that your mind is capable of infinite adaptions, and that you are good at whatever you choose to apply yourself to.

On the face of it, social interaction appears simpler than differential calculus, so there really is no excuse for shying away from it.

If we're talking actual phobia, then anxiety can have totally irrational effects on a person. It's not something you can just reason your way out of all the time.

I agree. But understanding the nature your irrationality will help you to combat it. The first step is awareness, is it not?

Finally, I think many people are quite content to be less sociable, to interact little with other people or to speak bluntly. They may not see the need to work on their social skills, and in fact that need may not exist.

But I am directing my thoughts to the people that do want to interact with people, and for whatever reason can't. I know they are out there! I'm sure if we put our heads together we can shake the foundations of the world.

 

[JarodRussell]

What use is that theory, except to give people an excuse to not achieve their full potential?

LOL.

Just try to tell that a Savant. "Get over yourselves! You're so smart, why can't you socialise?!" Simply because they CAN'T! It's a medical condition, not a decision.

Intelligence is not evenly spread among people, since the brain is differently built in each of us. Some areas are more capable and more developed than others. Because of genetics, because of early childhood impressions, and many other factors. There are people who just can't understand quantum mechanics as well as others, people who simply can't compose music or paint a picture, and so there are people who just can't master social interaction as well as others.

 

[Kestra]

The rest of us have to settle for thinking we know some things. I know that if you believe you are good or no good at something, then that belief causes the reality to manifest. So if you wander around saying 'I'm good at maths, but I'm awkward around people' you have created a self fulfilling prophecy. Why would you choose to believe this? Far better to believe that your mind is capable of infinite adaptions, and that you are good at whatever you choose to apply yourself to.

While attitude does have an effect, it's not that you are "good" at something simply if you think you are. There are actual possible effects like self-handicapping, but simply acknowledging your limits does not have to be a negative thing. Not everyone has the same inclinations or abilities.

On the face of it, social interaction appears simpler than differential calculus, so there really is no excuse for shying away from it.

Actually, I'd say it's far more complicated and definitely more risky.

But I am directing my thoughts to the people that do want to interact with people, and for whatever reason can't. I know they are out there! I'm sure if we put our heads together we can shake the foundations of the world.

While I love TBBSers and think they are capable of much, I do not believe anyone will be shaking any foundations. Certainly not in this thread. If there are people out there who want to interact with people and can't, they can seek advice of professionals. Or they have been known to start their own threads here from time to time. You come off as trivializing what may be very serious issues to some people. If you truly would like to help these people, I suggest you undergo some sort of training and education in that direction.

Your words are not going to change the world.

 

[STR]

We are all fairly bright people, right? Intellectualism comes easily to us.

Acknowledging the "theory of intelligences" that others mentions, I need to also point out that intellectualism≠intelligence. Intelligence itself is vaguely defined, and most people don't apply it right. To a lot of people, intelligence is used synonymously with knowledge. You don't have to be especially intelligent to acquire a vast amount of knowledge. There's more than one person I've talked to with a PhD that are pretty clueless outside of the field they study in, and within that field. Yet this guy still got a PhD, how is that? Because knowledge=aptitude (IQ, or the ability to grasp new concepts)+effort(hitting the books, doing the research, learning). Since K=A+E, you can make up in E, what you lack in A.

You can be an intellectual without being intelligent, you just have to learn the material, over and over, until you can cite on command. I'd assume this is similar to social skills. Some people catch on quick, without having to be guided, others have to hit the streets and learn what does and doesn't work slowly.

 

[Captain_Nick]

acknowledging your limits does not have to be a negative thing.

If you do not aim for the stars, you will never get off the ground.

If I'm not good at something right now, that just tells me I need to work harder at it.

Actually, I'd say it's far more complicated and definitely more risky.

More risky in the sense that you can't offend mathematical symbols, I guess.

Your words are not going to change the world.

Ouch! Well, maybe not in this thread right now, but watch this space.

 

[Mary Ann]

What use is that theory, except to give people an excuse to not achieve their full potential?

LOL.

Just try to tell that a Savant. "Get over yourselves! You're so smart, why can't you socialise?!" Simply because they CAN'T! It's a medical condition, not a decision.

Hence why people on the autistic spectrum, for example, are called aneurotypical. Their differences are hard-wired into the brain. They can improve their social skills and achieve their individual full potential (and, while we're on the subject, who's the judge as to what that "full potential" actually is? Is it truly measurable?), but their social skills will still not be at the same level of neurotypical folk, because they can't be.

Intelligence is not evenly spread among people, since the brain is differently built in each of us. Some areas are more capable and more developed than others. Because of genetics, because of early childhood impressions, and many other factors. There are people who just can't understand quantum mechanics as well as others, people who simply can't compose music or paint a picture, and so there are people who just can't master social interaction as well as others.

This.

 

[Cheapjack]

I hate getting 'street' with people. I can't stand it. Partly because I'm supposed to be clueless about these things, cos I don't look the part and I've read a book, partly cos I find it distasteful, partly cos I have great reluctance to be top dog. Anythings's better than being a slinking cur. There might be a part of the brain related to street skills. Whether it's highly developed in me, or undeveloped, I don't know.

 

[JarodRussell]

If you do not aim for the stars, you will never get off the ground.

If I'm not good at something right now, that just tells me I need to work harder at it.

This is just so naive and out of context.