Keeping the truth from children.

[Nerys Ghemor]

Dont' forget one of the parents just suddenly and tragically lost thier parent. They may not be thinking straight. While I don't understand what difference it makes how he died I recently lost one of my parents and could understand how it might make you do slightly irrational things. and if you are a parent it definitly gives you a irrational need to over protect your own children

This is what I was wondering--if perhaps the parents themselves are having trouble facing the truth of what happened, or otherwise having trouble coping with what happened. Maybe they're grieving, or maybe they even blame themselves--without cause, most likely, but if they are struggling with the circumstances themselves, they may feel that their kid can't handle it because THEY are just barely hanging on.

 

[JiNX-01]

I think the parents should tell her the truth as gently and kindly as possible, especially if she is going to be attending the wake. It's unlikely that everyone who will be there will be aware that she has been given a different story about how he died and people will be talking about it because it is tragic.

For her to learn the truth while overhearing a conversation at the funeral home -- or even a non-specific remark that suggests he didn't die in his sleep by the minister/priest presiding at the funeral -- would be a helluva a way to find out that her beloved grandfather died in a terrible accident.

It won't be an easy conversation for the parents to have with her, but I think they should have it. If she finds out the truth from in the wrong circumstances they will lose her trust.

 

[bluedana]

^^ Well, one is peaceful and quiet. The other is painful and terrifying. So, yeah, I can see why people would want to keep it a secret from young kids. I don't know if twelve is that young, though; depends on the kid.

It's painful and terrifying if you frame it that way, but it's been my experience (with 3 kids) that children just want to know the facts.

If it was me, I'd want to know the facts. But it would definitely bother me a lot more knowing that somebody's last moments were painful and terrifying.

That's not how kids are organized, though. If you say, grandad fell down the stairs and died, you might get a followup of Did it hurt? And the answer would probably be, I hope not, or I don't think so. And that is what she'd want to know. An adult might say, That must have been terrifying and painful. A child just wouldn't.

Here is the basic conversation I had with my 13 year old when I was in the hospital, three days post-op.
What did they do? They took out a part that was making me sick.
Did it hurt? No because I was asleep the whole time, and it doesn't hurt now because they give me medication for the pain.
Are you okay now? I will be in a while, but they are taking very good care of me.
Did they sew you up? They used staples. It's so cool! Wanna see?
No. Ewww.

All of the adult conversations I had were of the oh, you poor thing ... type.

 

[Alidar Jarok]

There is the argument that dying peacefully in your sleep can be even more disturbing if it's something you think about right before you go to bed. To be honest, I feel a 12-year-old could handle "got into an accident and passed away." You don't have to say "broke his neck," but there's no point in outright lying either.

 

[David cgc]

There is the argument that dying peacefully in your sleep can be even more disturbing if it's something you think about right before you go to bed.

I remember when I was young (maybe seven or eight), I didn't actually close my eyes when I was going to sleep. I had somehow gotten it into my head that while I wasn't looking out the door, my room was sllloooowwwwlly sinking down into the depths of the earth like an elevator. Of course, I never quite figured out how it snapped back up to ground-level as soon as I opened my eyes back up without me feeling it.

 

[Daneel]

Dont' forget one of the parents just suddenly and tragically lost thier parent. They may not be thinking straight. While I don't understand what difference it makes how he died I recently lost one of my parents and could understand how it might make you do slightly irrational things. and if you are a parent it definitly gives you a irrational need to over protect your own children

Hm, possibly. It might also be due to the fact that his death was a rather messy incident. In addition to breaking his neck, he cracked his head open and bled profusely. In fact, before the autopsy was conducted, the family wasn't entirely sure that he didn't just bleed to death.

Thanks for the responses, all.

 

[RJDiogenes]

^^ The poor guy.

It's painful and terrifying if you frame it that way, but it's been my experience (with 3 kids) that children just want to know the facts.

If it was me, I'd want to know the facts. But it would definitely bother me a lot more knowing that somebody's last moments were painful and terrifying.

That's not how kids are organized, though. If you say, grandad fell down the stairs and died, you might get a followup of Did it hurt? And the answer would probably be, I hope not, or I don't think so. And that is what she'd want to know. An adult might say, That must have been terrifying and painful. A child just wouldn't.

Here is the basic conversation I had with my 13 year old when I was in the hospital, three days post-op.
What did they do? They took out a part that was making me sick.
Did it hurt? No because I was asleep the whole time, and it doesn't hurt now because they give me medication for the pain.
Are you okay now? I will be in a while, but they are taking very good care of me.
Did they sew you up? They used staples. It's so cool! Wanna see?
No. Ewww.

All of the adult conversations I had were of the oh, you poor thing ... type.

Well, I was a weird kid, I suppose. I felt other people's pain (not to mention animals).

There is the argument that dying peacefully in your sleep can be even more disturbing if it's something you think about right before you go to bed.

Maybe that's why I have insomnia.

 

[bluedana]

Well, I was a weird kid, I suppose. I felt other people's pain (not to mention animals).

Well, I guess that's part of what made you want to go into health care. I'm sure your empathy makes you awesome at it.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Thank you. I hope that's true. It does make it hard, though, because every day I meet people who are going through very trying times.

 

[Aurian]

I think that they should tell the kid the truth, that he died in an accident. No messy details or anything.