Just broke up...

[mr.peany]

So, I came out last year at the ripe old age of 25. Not knowing any other gay guys, I put myself out there on places like Manhunt in the hopes of meeting new guys. I did just that. In fact, I met the most wonderful guy, lets call him Bob.

Bob and I didnt have a lot in common, but that didnt appear to matter. We were able to chat for hours on end, laugh and snuggle. For the first time in about 5 years I felt wanted and loved. It was a great feeling. Until now.

Bob broke up with me last night. He was honest in his reasonings. He said despite really liking me, he was not ready for a relationship with me and did not want to hurt me further by continuing something that would inevitably go nowhere. He said that he still wanted to be friends. But, I cant see that happening as I cant see me being able to catch up with him without wanting more.

Now I feel empty and horrible. Im already missing just the simple things like snuggling on the couch watching episodes of 30 Rock and The Office. Having someone I can chat about my day with. And try as I might, I can't stop thinking about him. I feel gutted.

Any advice on how to move on?

PS> Sorry this sounds like a really good episode of 90210. I feel like a muppet.

 

[RJDiogenes]

I'm sorry to hear that.

And the only way to get over a breakup is to give it time. You're going to feel bad for a while before you're ready to meet someone new. That's only natural.

 

[mr.peany]

Yeah, time heals all wounds eh?

And gotta say, Facebook is quite possibly the worst thing in the entire world for post-breakup blues...especially when you see his status update the day after as.."great morning, going to be a great day". Bah!

 

[Amaris]

Sorry to hear that, mr. peany.

Yeah, time heals all wounds eh?

And gotta say, Facebook is quite possibly the worst thing in the entire world for post-breakup blues...especially when you see his status update the day after as.."great morning, going to be a great day". Bah!

I think it might be more of a weight lifting from his heart. Not that he didn't care about you, but that he felt terrible not being able to tell you the state of his heart, and the guilt piling up inside because for him it felt wrong to continue in what he believed was a deception on his part. At least he broke up with you in honesty, and faced you in doing so.

There are plenty more out there. Who knows what each day might bring. Until then, be good to yourself. Treat yourself to something nice, and remember the good things that you had, and what may come in the time ahead.

 

[Ar-Pharazon]

Things will work out, don't get down on yourself.

And, FYI, there are no good episodes of 90210.

 

[Scout101]

May want to consider removing him from Facebook, at least for a while. That's the sort of thing that won't help, but just allow you to cyber-stalk him and be hurt by over-analyzing everything he says. And since he's obviously not in the same place emotionally as you right now, it's just going to feel like he's rubbing it in, whether he intends to or not.

Also, always hated the 'but we can still be friends' thing at the end of a break-up. Works if it was a short, casual relationship, but it's pretty insulting for anything bigger than that. You get done telling someone about their flaws, how you're really not into them anymore, you think you can do better, or you don't have the time for this, but then tell them 'hey, maybe we can still be friends?'. Yeah, not so much.

 

[Ar-Pharazon]

What is the basis for that "let's be friends" BS? Guilt?

I never went for it either, the couple times it came up.

 

[Amaris]

What is the basis for that "let's be friends" BS? Guilt?

I never went for it either, the couple times it came up.

I figure it's to soften the blow. Someone may not want to be in an intimate relationship with you, but they don't want to hurt you because on some level they still care about you.

 

[infinix]

What is the basis for that "let's be friends" BS? Guilt?

I never went for it either, the couple times it came up.

I figure it's to soften the blow. Someone may not want to be in an intimate relationship with you, but they don't want to hurt you because on some level they still care about you.

The only reason why anyone would say "let's be friends" after breaking up is to alleviate their own feeling of guilt.

There are basically 3 types of breakups. 1) One side naturally losing feelings for the other, 2) mutually losing feeling for each other, and 3) one side having abused the relationship to a point that break up is inevitable.

In the 3rd case, you aren't going to remain friends, so you wouldn't even bother to say those words. In the 2nd case, you don't have to explicitly state it either. Since the breakup is mutual, you two will either naturally remain friends or naturally drift apart.

In the 1st case, its always the party that is initiating the break up who says "let's be friends." They say it because they know they did a bad thing by hurting the other person's feelings. By saying "let's be friends" they make themselves feel better about hurting the other person's feelings. They care about themselves more than the person they just hurt. Don't have any illusions about that.

Now, people will of course cite examples of couples remaining friends after breaking up. Hell, I know a few. But the truth is that those couples are the very rare exceptions to the rule.

 

[Amaris]

What is the basis for that "let's be friends" BS? Guilt?

I never went for it either, the couple times it came up.

I figure it's to soften the blow. Someone may not want to be in an intimate relationship with you, but they don't want to hurt you because on some level they still care about you.

The only reason why anyone would say "let's be friends" after breaking up is to alleviate their own feeling of guilt.

There are basically 3 types of breakups. 1) One side naturally losing feelings for the other, 2) mutually losing feeling for each other, and 3) one side having abused the relationship to a point that break up is inevitable.

In the 3rd case, you aren't going to remain friends, so you wouldn't even bother to say those words. In the 2nd case, you don't have to explicitly state it either. Since the breakup is mutual, you two will either naturally remain friends or naturally drift apart.

In the 1st case, its always the party that is initiating the break up who says "let's be friends." They say it because they know they did a bad thing by hurting the other person's feelings. By saying "let's be friends" they make themselves feel better about hurting the other person's feelings. They care about themselves more than the person they just hurt. Don't have any illusions about that.

Now, people will of course cite examples of couples remaining friends after breaking up. Hell, I know a few. But the truth is that those couples are the very rare exceptions to the rule.

While I agree that can often be the case, I don't believe most people who leave a relationship on the grounds of "let's be friends" does so with the intent of assuaging their own guilt while leaving the other person hanging out to dry.

 

[infinix]

While I agree that can often be the case, I don't believe most people who leave a relationship on the grounds of "let's be friends" does so with the intent of assuaging their own guilt while leaving the other person hanging out to dry.

Hmm... so let's do a quick survey. I've either gone through or personally know about at least 100 different sets of breakups in the last decade. The phrase "let's be friends" has been offered in at least 75% of those breakups. Of the 75 sets of folks, I know 3 couples who are actually still friends. And by friends, I mean actual interaction and keeping up with what's going on in each other's lives. Allowing someone to be on your facebook doesn't count as being friends.

Everyone else either hate the other person's guts, not on speaking terms, or barely talk even once every couple of months.

How about in your experience? What does your personal knowledge tell you about people that say "let's be friends" after a breakup? BTW, I'm not friends with anyone who I broke up with or who broke up with me, even though every time someone would always say "let's be friends."

 

[DonIago]

Without meaning to universally condemn it or give the impression that it's always -intentionally- facetious, in my experience someone saying, "We can still be friends," is about as reliable as someone saying "I'll call you."

I second de-Friend'ing them on Facebook, at least for the time-being. A possible benefit is that if they -are- serious about remaining friends and notice you've de-Friend'ed them it may spur them to get in touch with you. Alternately they may de-Friend you in return, but given that they were the one saying they wanted to stay in touch that would be kind of crappy.

Um, actually I guess I was thinking of LiveJournal...Facebook doesn't have the two-sided system does it?

Well, either way, I'm sorry things didn't work out. Time will help, and hopefully you have local friends you can hang out with as well.

If it helps, I'm 35 and the closest thing I've had to a relationship was "seeing someone" for about a week. People have asked me how I've survived (their word) being single for so long, and I normally point out that every time I didn't pursue a relationship with someone it was because I believed I would ultimately be happier without them than I would be with them.

 

[Amaris]

While I agree that can often be the case, I don't believe most people who leave a relationship on the grounds of "let's be friends" does so with the intent of assuaging their own guilt while leaving the other person hanging out to dry.

Hmm... so let's do a quick survey. I've either gone through or personally know about at least 100 different sets of breakups in the last decade. The phrase "let's be friends" has been offered in at least 75% of those breakups. Of the 75 sets of folks, I know 3 couples who are actually still friends. And by friends, I mean actual interaction and keeping up with what's going on in each other's lives. Allowing someone to be on your facebook doesn't count as being friends.

Everyone else either hate the other person's guts, not on speaking terms, or barely talk even once every couple of months.

How about in your experience? What does your personal knowledge tell you about people that say "let's be friends" after a breakup? BTW, I'm not friends with anyone who I broke up with or who broke up with me, even though every time someone would always say "let's be friends."

Because it's an attempt to salve the feelings of the intended. It's usually associated with regret on the part of the person making the statement.

 

[mr.peany]

Yeah I tend to agree with the notion that part of him feeling guilty for ending things they way he did. He made it confusing by making me dinner and making out before calling it off. So perhaps in his head, by suggesting to remain friends he was in a way attempting to alleviate any possibility of me feeling anger towards him.

To that end, I have deleted him off Facebook, not out of malice, but out of a need for self-preservation. It would hurt too much to see him happy with other people.

I guess, as a newly out gay man, it hurts more. I'm not exactly into the scene as such, so to make new gay friends with the possibility of more is going to be rather difficult.

 

[Amaris]

Yeah I tend to agree with the notion that part of him feeling guilty for ending things they way he did. He made it confusing by making me dinner and making out before calling it off. So perhaps in his head, by suggesting to remain friends he was in a way attempting to alleviate any possibility of me feeling anger towards him.

To that end, I have deleted him off Facebook, not out of malice, but out of a need for self-preservation. It would hurt too much to see him happy with other people.

I guess, as a newly out gay man, it hurts more. I'm not exactly into the scene as such, so to make new gay friends with the possibility of more is going to be rather difficult.

Well, I hope whatever happens, that it's positive and that you're able to move forward with a mended heart.

 

[DonIago]

If it helps the first guy I was ever intimate with was a guy in an open marriage whom I had significantly stronger feelings for than I should have. That was two days after Valentine's Day. Intellectually I knew it didn't mean anything per se, but emotionally...I was young and stupid.

Two days after that I was at a party where I somewhat ended up trapped in a smallish living room and had the dubious pleasure of watching him make-out with another not-his-husband guy for about an hour. After that the crappy weather outside didn't keep me from walking back to where I was crashing during a school holiday.

Guess whose house I was staying at during this holiday?

Good times...

 

[FPAlpha]

Do what all of us do (no matter of straight, bi or gay).

Listen to tons of cheesy love songs, watch romantic movies endlessly and really let go in your misery and be sorry for yourself for a while.

After you have overdosed on misery and all that crap you will start to feel better.. it is almost inevitable. It just takes time and no one can rush this.

Some make it through faster than others but in the end everybody makes it somehow (unless you are bit psycho but that's a whole other story).

A good friend to talk to and pour out your heart helps too.

Right now it feels like the end of the world but it isn't.. just take it a step at a time.

 

[LeadHead]

Yeah, time heals all wounds eh?

And gotta say, Facebook is quite possibly the worst thing in the entire world for post-breakup blues...especially when you see his status update the day after as.."great morning, going to be a great day". Bah!

I agree, Facebook is the worst possible place to be if you've just been broken up with. Either there's some update from the person who broke up with you that says how fantastic they're feeling, a mutual friend posts a cute picture of the two of you or no less than 10 of your friends have just started a new relationship or are gushing about how happy they are.

As for what to do now, do the things you like, things that typically put a smile on your face. Even though they will not be very successful, it will at least bring happy thoughts.

The aforementioned having a friend to pour your heart out to is helpful.

Take care.