Mudd: Well Jones, I'm going to Starfleet with you. You know Admiral Komak gave me a position as Captain of the USS Susquehanna for as long as you’re in the crew.
Jones: Look Mudd, if you're the Captain, you must know all the crew.
Mudd: I certainly do.
Jones: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's in the crew.
Mudd: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these crewmen now-a-days very peculiar names.
Jones: You mean funny names?
Mudd: Strange names, pet names...like Bones McCoy...
Mudd: Well, let's see, on the bridge, Who's at helm, What's at navigation, I Don't Know is at communications...
Jones: That's what I want to find out.
Mudd: I say Who's at helm, What's at navigation, I Don't Know's at communications.
Jones: Are you the Captain?
Mudd: Yes.
Jones: And you don't know the fellows' names?
Mudd: Well I should.
Jones: Well then who's at helm?
Mudd: Yes.
Jones: I mean the fellow's name.
Mudd: Who.
Jones: The guy at helm.
Mudd: Who.
Jones: The helmsman.
Mudd: Who.
Jones: The guy siting...
Mudd: Who is at helm!
Jones: I'm asking YOU who's at helm.
Mudd: That's the man's name.
Jones: That's who's name?
Mudd: Yes.
Jones: Well go ahead and tell me.
Mudd: That's it.
Jones: That's who?
Mudd: Yes.
PAUSE
Jones: Look, you gotta a helmsman?
Mudd: Certainly.
Jones: Who's assigned to helm?
Mudd: That's right.
Jones: When you pay off the helmsman every month, who gets the credits?
Mudd: Every credit of it.
Jones: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name at helm.
Mudd: Who.
Jones: The guy that gets...
Mudd: That's it.
Jones: Who gets the credits...
Mudd: He does, every credit. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Jones: Who's wife?
Mudd: Yes.
PAUSE
Mudd: What's wrong with that?
Jones: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the helmsman, how does he sign his name?
Mudd: Who.
Jones: The guy.
Mudd: Who.
Jones: How does he sign...
Mudd: That's how he signs it.
Jones: Who?
Mudd: Yes.
PAUSE
Jones: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name at helm.
Mudd: No. What is at navigation.
Jones: I'm not asking you who's at navigation.
Mudd: Who's at helm.
Jones: One station at a time!
Mudd: Well, don't change the crew around.
Jones: I'm not changing nobody!
Mudd: Take it easy, buddy.
Jones: I'm only asking you, who's the guy at helm?
Mudd: That's right.
Jones: Ok.
Mudd: All right.
PAUSE
Jones: What's the guy's name at helm?
Mudd: No. What is at navigation.
Jones: I'm not asking you who's at navigation.
Mudd: Who's at helm.
Jones: I don't know.
Mudd: He's at communications, we're not talking about him.
Jones: Now how did I get at communication?
Mudd: Why you mentioned his name.
Jones: If I mentioned the communication officer’s name, who did I say is at communications?
Mudd: No. Who's at helm.
Jones: What's at helm?
Mudd: What's at navigation.
Jones: I don't know.
Mudd: He's at communication.
Jones: There I go, back to communications!
PAUSE
Jones: Would you just stay at communications and don't go off it.
Mudd: All right, what do you want to know?
Jones: Now who's manning communications?
Mudd: Why do you insist on putting Who at communications?
Jones: What am I putting at communications.
Mudd: No. What is at navigation.
Jones: You don't want who at navigation?
Mudd: Who is at helm.
Jones: I don't know.
Mudd & Jones Together: Communications!
PAUSE
Jones: Look, you gotta have an engineer
Mudd: Sure.
Jones: The engineer's name?
Mudd: Why.
Jones: I just thought I'd ask you.
Mudd: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Jones: Then tell me who's engineering.
Mudd: Who's at helm.
Jones: I'm not... stay out off the bridge! I want to know what's the guy's name in engineering?
Mudd: No, What at navigation.
Jones: I'm not asking you who's at helm.
Mudd: Who's at helm
Jones: I don't know.
Mudd & Jones Together: communications!
PAUSE
Jones: The engineer's name?
Mudd: Why.
Jones: Because!
Mudd: Oh, he's Ships Surgeon
PAUSE
Jones: Look, You gotta science officer on this crew?
Mudd: Sure.
Jones: The science officer's name?
Mudd: Tomorrow.
Jones: You don't want to tell me today?
Mudd: I'm telling you now.
Jones: Then go ahead.
Mudd: Tomorrow!
Jones: What time?
Mudd: What time what?
Jones: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's science officer?
Mudd: Now listen. Who is science officer.
Jones: I'll break your arm, you say who's at helm! I want to know what's the science officer's name?
Mudd: What's at navigation.
Jones: I don't know.
Mudd & Jones Together: communications!
PAUSE
Jones: Gotta a XO?
Mudd: Certainly.
Jones: The XO's name?
Mudd: Today.
Jones: Today, and tomorrow's Science.
Mudd: Now you've got it.
Jones: All we got is a couple of days on the crew.
PAUSE
Jones: You know I'm a XO too.
Mudd: So they tell me.
Jones: I get in the center seat, Tomorrow's at science and sensors picks up a asteroid field. Being a good XO, I'm gonna tell the guy at helm. So I tell who about the asteroids?
Mudd: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Jones: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
PAUSE
Mudd: That's all you have to do.
Jones: So I tell the guy at helm
Mudd: Yes!
Jones: Now who's got it?
Mudd: Naturally.
PAUSE
Jones: Look, if I give a command to helm somebody's gotta hear it. Now who hears it?
Mudd: Naturally.
Jones: Who?
Mudd: Naturally.
Jones: Naturally?
Mudd: Naturally.
Jones: So I give the order to Naturally.
Mudd: No you don't, you give the command to Who.
Jones: Naturally.
Mudd: That's different.
Jones: That's what I said.
Mudd: You're not saying it...
Jones: I give the command to Naturally.
Mudd: You give the command to Who.
Jones: Naturally.
Mudd: That's it.
Jones: That's what I said!
Mudd: You ask me.
Jones: I give the command to who?
Mudd: Naturally.
Jones: Now you ask me.
Mudd: You give the oder to Who?
Jones: Naturally.
Mudd: That's it.
Jones: Same as you! Same as YOU! I give the command to who. Whover’s consol explodes. So I give the command to What. What gives it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know calls in Tomorrow, Why? I don't know! He's at communication and I don't give a damn!
Mudd: What?
Jones: I said I don't give a damn!
Mudd: Oh, that's our yeoman.
