I knew this would come in handy one day. Don't care if it wins as long as it gets a laugh or two.
Star Trek: Cassnozzle
Captains Log, Stardate 69696.69. The Maiden voyage of my own ship, the Starship Cassnozzle, is underway. Named after me for various heroic deeds that I'm just to modest to go into right now, but there was that incident on Balorus IV that saved the Morslut colony. I was always fairly proud of that.
Cassnozzle put down the padd, and looked at the viewscreen. The ship was at warp and headed for a barren world known as Slinky Beta, where they were to drop off a Terraforming team.
Cassnozzle was fairly smug about his mission. It had been a race between him and Captain Laxette about who was going to get this command. In the end, Laxette had been forced to complete the Galaxy class ship on time so that Cassnozzle could take command for this important mission.
"Captain, Beta shift has just ended. I'm heading for my quarters, would you like to join me for dinner?"First Officer Chuxycon requested.
"I'd be honoured, Chuxycon. Just let me change into something a bit more casual and I'll meet you shortly,"Cassnozzle replied.
The door for Chuxycon's quarters rang. "Come in,"he called.
"Good evening, Commander. What's for dinner?"
"I've replicated some Rigelian Stew, just like my father used to make,"Chuxycon informed.
"Very good. I'll just use the head before we eat,"Cassnozzle said.
After doing his business at the head, Cassnozzle pushed the "disposal" button. All starfleet toilets used transporter technology to empty the bowl, and then recycle the waste for use elsewhere on the ship.
But nothing happened.
"Computer... dispose of this waste,"Cassnozzle ordered.
There was an error beep. "Unable to comply."
Cassnozzle frowned. "Why not?"
"Starship waste facilities have not been commissioned."
"What?"Cassnozzle said, flabbergasted.
"Waste disposal waveguides have not been primed and reclamation plant alpha is only 22% completed,"The computer continued.
Suddenly the comm sounded. "Captain Cassnozzle, this is Ensign Flafluf on the bridge. I think you need to come up here, sir."
Cassnozzle groaned. "I don't believe this."
The senior staff were in the conference room.
"How the hell did we leave spacedock with out a functioning Waste Reclamation Plant?"Cassnozzle demanded.
"Sir, I did run over the checklist of all systems. I actually went into the reclamation plant and everything seemed to be in order,"Commander Rixel informed. "But I just rechecked. all the bulkheads are there... but the actual equipment was never installed. It's deliberately been made to look like it's there but it's not."
Cassnozzle rolled his eyes. "Damn that Captain Laxette, this is his doing. His crew was responsible for those final ancillary systems."
Doctor Bombay coughed. "Captain, we can't continue the mission. There are no functioning toilets on board. We can't continue to use them if the waste isn't dealt with."
"Are you serious? I'm not returning to spacedock like this. We'll make do and install the equipment on the fly. How long will it take to get the system up and running?"
"I have a team working on it, but we are missing some vital unreplicateable components,"Rixel said.
Cassnozzle groaned. "So what are we meant to do? Hold on?"
"Captain, if I may,"Chuxycon said. "We'll be arriving at Slinky Beta in a few hours. It's a completely barren world, devoid of life. I know this sounds weird... but we can assign a square kilometre of the planet to each member of the crew. They can beam down, do their business, and then beam back up."
"Damn that Laxette!"Cassnozzle yelled.
PART II
Star Trek: Cassnozzle!
Captains Log, Stardate 69700.1. We have arrived in orbit of Slinky Beta. The crew has been strong through a hardship that no other starfleet vessel has ever known. But relief is in sight.
Cassnozzle sat in the centre chair, legs crossed. He was doing his best to avoid getting up if necessary.
"Captain, we're approaching Slinky Beta,"Ensign Flafluf said from the con.
"Drop out of warp, and enter Standard orbit."
Chuxycon consulted his console. "There's a queue formed in the transporter room, sir. They've replicated some seats with holes in them that crew can beam down with to use on the surface."
"Thank goodness."
The turbolift door opened, and Doctor Bombay entered. He looked around, smelling something. "What is that smell?"He asked.
"Lt Mildew used the head at the back of the bridge. Apparently one of the side effects of this situation is that once a head has been used, the door won't close."
Bombay rolled his eyes. "Captain, we need to do something, for Hygiene reasons alone. Can't we beam the waste into space?"
Chuxycon shook his head. "No. Somehow the transporter has been locked out from beaming the waste. The only way to get rid of it is to physically move it."
Cassnozzle stood up. "I don't think I can take it any more. Cassnozzle to transporter chief, beam me directly to the surface, and send one of those seats with me!"
Cassnozzle stood up. pullling up his pants. He tapped his combadge. "Cassnozzle to Transporter chief, standby to beam me aboard."
"One moment Captain, you're in a queue that's about thirteen officers long."
Cassnozzle rolled his eyes. "I am the Captain,"he reminded snidely.
There was a small noise behind him. Cassnozzle turned, to see a small creature sniffing at his business.
"Eww!"Cassnozzle said. "Get away from that!"
The small fuzzy creature looked up, big eyes making it look very cute. Cassnozzle's heart melted. "Aww..."
He knelt down, and the small creature moved forward, eyes bright with life. Cassnozzle patted it for a moment.
And suddenly, the creature grew to five times it's size, a massive mouth appeared, and bit off Cassnozzle's index finger.
"ARRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"Cassnozzle screamed, and at the same time felt himself gripped by the transporter. As he felt himself moving back to his ship, he yelled "DAMN YOU LAXETTE!"
Star Trek: Cassnozzle: Part III.
Captain's Log, Stardate 69710.44
After having my finger successfully recovered and re-attached, I have returned to duty. Thankfully our Waste Reclamation plant is now online and working overtime to clear the system. Life on board the Starship Cassnozzle, named after me, is slowly returning to normal.
Cassnozzle put down the padd, and looked around the Bridge. Things finally appeared to be going his way. Or so he thought.
"Commander Chuxycon, you have the bridge. I will be in my ready room, I have to catch up on a few things and have a snack."
"Aye sir,"Chuxycon responded.
Cassnozzle went into the ready room, and over to the food replicator. "Computer, a plate of satay beef noddles please."
There was an error beep. "That dish is not available."
Cassnozzle frowned. "Why not?"
"Replicator functionality has been reduced to one dish, due to cannablisation of parts for Waste Reclamation use."
Cassnozzle felt his face growing red with anger, but he calmly looked back at the replicator. "What dish is available?"
"Starfleet Ration Alpha one."
Curious, Cassnozzled ordered a helping.
A blue disc appeared on the replicator padd in front of him. It looked strangely like polystyrene. And that is exactly what it tasted like.
Cassnozzle stormed onto the bridge. "Did you know about this?"
"What, sir?"Chuxycon asked, confused.
"This damn starfleet ration alpha one!"
"Ah, Commander Rixel did mention something about that. It's all that's available."
"Damn that Laxette."
"Speaking of him, the Starship Eldrad is on it's way here right now."
"The Eldrad? But isn't that Soveriegn Class?"
"Yes. He got command of it after finishing our ship ahead of schedule... allegedly."
Cassnozzle groaned. "I don't believe this."
Meanwhile, on board the Starship Eldrad, Captain Laxette was sitting in his ready room dining on a magnifcent feast. His first Officer, Commander Mindymork, entered. "Captain, we've had a request from the Cassnozzle for replicator parts. They had to use theirs when some other system failed."
Laxette grinned. "Sucks to Cassnozzle. That high and might asshat deserves it. Let them stew a bit longer. Then when we arrive, beam the necessary parts over there... with the appropriate modifications."
Mindymork grinned. "Captain, this won't go down well at headquarters."
Laxette smiled. "They have to find out first."
Cassnozzle sat on the bridge, the half eaten alpha one ration sitting on his arm rest. "Sir, the Starship Eldrad is approaching,"Lt Mildew reported.
"Hail them."
And finally he was face to face with his arch nemesis.
"Ah, Captain Cassnozzle. I trust you've had a pleasant journey. How's the surface of Slinky Beta?"
Cassnozzle stood up, and walked forward, until his nose was touching the viewscreen.
"Damn you Laxette. You know damn well how this trip has been so far."
"Yes, yes, I'm sorry Cassnozzle, but you know you deserved it. That whole Morsult thing really went over the top. But anyway, not to worry, I'm sure all is forgiven. We'll beam over the replicator parts straight away. Laxette out."
Cassnozzle backed away, flabbergasted.
"Captain, the cargo is beaming into engineering as we speak,"Ensign Flafluf informed.
"Install it at once. In the meantime I don't want any members of the crew of that damn Eldrad beaming over here."
On the Bridge of the Eldrad, Laxette and Mindymork looked on. "As soon as they cargo is aboard, set a course for Starbase 68. I don't want to be anywhere around when it happens."
Laxette looked up at Mindymork, and smiled, an evil, vicious smile.
Cassnozzle wasn't going to like this.
Star Trek Cassnozzle: Episode IV.
Captain's Log, Stardate 69720.44.
The Replicator components have been installed, and the Terraforming Team has beamed down to Slinky Beta. We have been ordered to the Snotella system to pick up a Delegation of Allsortites.
"Captain, we're ready to get underway,"Ensign Flafluf reported from the conn.
"Good. The sooner we put this hellhole behind us the better,"Cassnozzle said.
"Course set Captain,"Flafluf added.
"Engage,"Cassnozzle said.
There was a strange sound, and all the lights dimmed. The ship shuddered slightly, and the viewscreen was suddenly covered in a fuzzy looking substance.
"What the hell? Report!"Cassnozzle yelled.
"Captain, we're not moving. All power from the warp drive has been diverted to the replicators,"Chuxycon reported.
"Why?"Cassnozzle asked.
"Not sure. I'm getting reports of this fuzzy substance over all windows on the ship. We'll need to send a crew out to investigate."
"I don't beleive this. Rixel, Mildew, put on EVA suits and beam outside. What the hell is going on."
Shortly, Rixel and Mildew had suited up. The beamed outside to a point about a hundred metres from the ship, where they could get a good look at it.
"Well, Rixel? What's going on out there? What's the fuzzy stuff?"Cassnozzle demanded.
"Uh... Captain, it would appear that somehow, the entire ship has been coated in a huge shagpile rug. There isn't a square inch of the hull that we can see from out here,"Rixel reported.
Cassnozzle stood up. "What? You're telling me that a 700 metre starship is completely covered in a huge orange rug?"
"Yes sir,"Mildew responded.
Cassnozzle looked around the bridge, and at the fuzzy orange viewscreen.
"DAMN YOU LAXETTE!"
Star Trek: Cassnozzle, Episode V.
Captain's Log, Stardate 69750.69.
Due to Starfleet Regulations, we can not simply dump the shagpile which has coated our entire vessel. So using the Transporters, we have now entirely recarpeted the ship in orange shagpile. In particular the Bridge looks rather good in it. Meanwhile, we are enroute to the Snotella system to rendezvous with a Delegation of Allsortites. One can only hope they do not have an aversion to orange shagpile.
Cassnozzle put down his padd, and looked around his office. He leaned back in his chair for a moment. Finally things were going right.
The door bell rang. "Come in,"He called.
Commander Chuxycon entered. "Captain, we'll be arriving at the rendezvous shortly. However, i have some news. The Eldrad is already there."
Cassnozzle turned bright red. "What!"
"Apparently Starfleet Command received a report that we were incapacitated, so they sent the Eldrad to pick up the Allsortites".
"Damn that Laxette." Cassnozzle got up, and walked on to the bridge, tripping slightly on one particularly bulgeful piece of shagpile.
"Lieutenant Mildew, hail the Eldrad. Get me Laxette."
He sat in the centre chair, and waited until Laxette appeared on the screen. "Ah, Captain Cassnozzle. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"I'm just calling to advise you we shall be arriving shortly. We are able to transport the Allsortites."
"Ah, I see. Well, I'm afraid Starfleet have decided that honour is the Eldrad's. While you were wasting time Re-carpetting your ship in the middle of nowhere, I managed to re-negotiate a virtually unlimited supply of dilithium with the Allsortites. They hae no desire to step aboard your... vessel. Starfleet will be sending you new orders very shortly. Laxette out."
The screen went black. Cassnozzle sat there. Nobody else wanted to say a word.
Finally, Ensign Flafluf interjected. "Captain, we have arrived at the rendezvous. The Eldrad is still there."
"Are her shields down?"Cassnozzle said, suddenly smiling.
"Yes sir. Why?"
On the Bridge of the Eldrad, Laxette ate from a platter of fresh fruit. He looked at the Starship Cassnozzle floating ahead of them. "Hopefully that will finally put that whipturd in his place. With any luck they'll reassign him..." but Laxette never finished his conversation.
There was a massive whine of Transporter energy, and suddenly the room was full of sour cream. Claxon's went off all over the place. "Report!"Laxette yelled.
"Captain... almost the entire volumn of the ship has been filled with sour cream. All energy reserves are gone. We're dead in the water,"Commander Mindymork reported, through a face of sour cream!
"What!"Laxette managed to get up but tripped over and fell into a sea of sour cream.
The viewer changed to a picture of Captain Cassnozzle. "Why, Captain Laxette, it would appear something nasty has occurred with your replicator system. I've done you the courtesy of beaming the Allsortites over to my ship. Miraculously their quarters escaped being swamped with sour cream. No doubt it will take you some time to clean up the mess. I wish you luck."
And the screen went blank.
"Damn you Cassnozzle!!"Laxette yelled.
Back on the Starship Cassnozzle, The captain was leaning back in his chair smiling broadly. They were on course to drop the Allsortites on Vulcan, and then to a period of Shore Leave on Risa. Things had never looked better.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang furiously. Chuxycon entered, breathing hard. "Captain... there's a problem. The Allsortites are on the holodeck. They've found a program called "Spice Girls Reunion Concert" and now they refuse to come out!"
"Alright, prepare a team. We better get down there!"
To Be continued...?
Star Trek: Cassnozzle
Captains Log, Stardate 69696.69. The Maiden voyage of my own ship, the Starship Cassnozzle, is underway. Named after me for various heroic deeds that I'm just to modest to go into right now, but there was that incident on Balorus IV that saved the Morslut colony. I was always fairly proud of that.
Cassnozzle put down the padd, and looked at the viewscreen. The ship was at warp and headed for a barren world known as Slinky Beta, where they were to drop off a Terraforming team.
Cassnozzle was fairly smug about his mission. It had been a race between him and Captain Laxette about who was going to get this command. In the end, Laxette had been forced to complete the Galaxy class ship on time so that Cassnozzle could take command for this important mission.
"Captain, Beta shift has just ended. I'm heading for my quarters, would you like to join me for dinner?"First Officer Chuxycon requested.
"I'd be honoured, Chuxycon. Just let me change into something a bit more casual and I'll meet you shortly,"Cassnozzle replied.
The door for Chuxycon's quarters rang. "Come in,"he called.
"Good evening, Commander. What's for dinner?"
"I've replicated some Rigelian Stew, just like my father used to make,"Chuxycon informed.
"Very good. I'll just use the head before we eat,"Cassnozzle said.
After doing his business at the head, Cassnozzle pushed the "disposal" button. All starfleet toilets used transporter technology to empty the bowl, and then recycle the waste for use elsewhere on the ship.
But nothing happened.
"Computer... dispose of this waste,"Cassnozzle ordered.
There was an error beep. "Unable to comply."
Cassnozzle frowned. "Why not?"
"Starship waste facilities have not been commissioned."
"What?"Cassnozzle said, flabbergasted.
"Waste disposal waveguides have not been primed and reclamation plant alpha is only 22% completed,"The computer continued.
Suddenly the comm sounded. "Captain Cassnozzle, this is Ensign Flafluf on the bridge. I think you need to come up here, sir."
Cassnozzle groaned. "I don't believe this."
The senior staff were in the conference room.
"How the hell did we leave spacedock with out a functioning Waste Reclamation Plant?"Cassnozzle demanded.
"Sir, I did run over the checklist of all systems. I actually went into the reclamation plant and everything seemed to be in order,"Commander Rixel informed. "But I just rechecked. all the bulkheads are there... but the actual equipment was never installed. It's deliberately been made to look like it's there but it's not."
Cassnozzle rolled his eyes. "Damn that Captain Laxette, this is his doing. His crew was responsible for those final ancillary systems."
Doctor Bombay coughed. "Captain, we can't continue the mission. There are no functioning toilets on board. We can't continue to use them if the waste isn't dealt with."
"Are you serious? I'm not returning to spacedock like this. We'll make do and install the equipment on the fly. How long will it take to get the system up and running?"
"I have a team working on it, but we are missing some vital unreplicateable components,"Rixel said.
Cassnozzle groaned. "So what are we meant to do? Hold on?"
"Captain, if I may,"Chuxycon said. "We'll be arriving at Slinky Beta in a few hours. It's a completely barren world, devoid of life. I know this sounds weird... but we can assign a square kilometre of the planet to each member of the crew. They can beam down, do their business, and then beam back up."
"Damn that Laxette!"Cassnozzle yelled.
PART II
Star Trek: Cassnozzle!
Captains Log, Stardate 69700.1. We have arrived in orbit of Slinky Beta. The crew has been strong through a hardship that no other starfleet vessel has ever known. But relief is in sight.
Cassnozzle sat in the centre chair, legs crossed. He was doing his best to avoid getting up if necessary.
"Captain, we're approaching Slinky Beta,"Ensign Flafluf said from the con.
"Drop out of warp, and enter Standard orbit."
Chuxycon consulted his console. "There's a queue formed in the transporter room, sir. They've replicated some seats with holes in them that crew can beam down with to use on the surface."
"Thank goodness."
The turbolift door opened, and Doctor Bombay entered. He looked around, smelling something. "What is that smell?"He asked.
"Lt Mildew used the head at the back of the bridge. Apparently one of the side effects of this situation is that once a head has been used, the door won't close."
Bombay rolled his eyes. "Captain, we need to do something, for Hygiene reasons alone. Can't we beam the waste into space?"
Chuxycon shook his head. "No. Somehow the transporter has been locked out from beaming the waste. The only way to get rid of it is to physically move it."
Cassnozzle stood up. "I don't think I can take it any more. Cassnozzle to transporter chief, beam me directly to the surface, and send one of those seats with me!"
Cassnozzle stood up. pullling up his pants. He tapped his combadge. "Cassnozzle to Transporter chief, standby to beam me aboard."
"One moment Captain, you're in a queue that's about thirteen officers long."
Cassnozzle rolled his eyes. "I am the Captain,"he reminded snidely.
There was a small noise behind him. Cassnozzle turned, to see a small creature sniffing at his business.
"Eww!"Cassnozzle said. "Get away from that!"
The small fuzzy creature looked up, big eyes making it look very cute. Cassnozzle's heart melted. "Aww..."
He knelt down, and the small creature moved forward, eyes bright with life. Cassnozzle patted it for a moment.
And suddenly, the creature grew to five times it's size, a massive mouth appeared, and bit off Cassnozzle's index finger.
"ARRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"Cassnozzle screamed, and at the same time felt himself gripped by the transporter. As he felt himself moving back to his ship, he yelled "DAMN YOU LAXETTE!"
Star Trek: Cassnozzle: Part III.
Captain's Log, Stardate 69710.44
After having my finger successfully recovered and re-attached, I have returned to duty. Thankfully our Waste Reclamation plant is now online and working overtime to clear the system. Life on board the Starship Cassnozzle, named after me, is slowly returning to normal.
Cassnozzle put down the padd, and looked around the Bridge. Things finally appeared to be going his way. Or so he thought.
"Commander Chuxycon, you have the bridge. I will be in my ready room, I have to catch up on a few things and have a snack."
"Aye sir,"Chuxycon responded.
Cassnozzle went into the ready room, and over to the food replicator. "Computer, a plate of satay beef noddles please."
There was an error beep. "That dish is not available."
Cassnozzle frowned. "Why not?"
"Replicator functionality has been reduced to one dish, due to cannablisation of parts for Waste Reclamation use."
Cassnozzle felt his face growing red with anger, but he calmly looked back at the replicator. "What dish is available?"
"Starfleet Ration Alpha one."
Curious, Cassnozzled ordered a helping.
A blue disc appeared on the replicator padd in front of him. It looked strangely like polystyrene. And that is exactly what it tasted like.
Cassnozzle stormed onto the bridge. "Did you know about this?"
"What, sir?"Chuxycon asked, confused.
"This damn starfleet ration alpha one!"
"Ah, Commander Rixel did mention something about that. It's all that's available."
"Damn that Laxette."
"Speaking of him, the Starship Eldrad is on it's way here right now."
"The Eldrad? But isn't that Soveriegn Class?"
"Yes. He got command of it after finishing our ship ahead of schedule... allegedly."
Cassnozzle groaned. "I don't believe this."
Meanwhile, on board the Starship Eldrad, Captain Laxette was sitting in his ready room dining on a magnifcent feast. His first Officer, Commander Mindymork, entered. "Captain, we've had a request from the Cassnozzle for replicator parts. They had to use theirs when some other system failed."
Laxette grinned. "Sucks to Cassnozzle. That high and might asshat deserves it. Let them stew a bit longer. Then when we arrive, beam the necessary parts over there... with the appropriate modifications."
Mindymork grinned. "Captain, this won't go down well at headquarters."
Laxette smiled. "They have to find out first."
Cassnozzle sat on the bridge, the half eaten alpha one ration sitting on his arm rest. "Sir, the Starship Eldrad is approaching,"Lt Mildew reported.
"Hail them."
And finally he was face to face with his arch nemesis.
"Ah, Captain Cassnozzle. I trust you've had a pleasant journey. How's the surface of Slinky Beta?"
Cassnozzle stood up, and walked forward, until his nose was touching the viewscreen.
"Damn you Laxette. You know damn well how this trip has been so far."
"Yes, yes, I'm sorry Cassnozzle, but you know you deserved it. That whole Morsult thing really went over the top. But anyway, not to worry, I'm sure all is forgiven. We'll beam over the replicator parts straight away. Laxette out."
Cassnozzle backed away, flabbergasted.
"Captain, the cargo is beaming into engineering as we speak,"Ensign Flafluf informed.
"Install it at once. In the meantime I don't want any members of the crew of that damn Eldrad beaming over here."
On the Bridge of the Eldrad, Laxette and Mindymork looked on. "As soon as they cargo is aboard, set a course for Starbase 68. I don't want to be anywhere around when it happens."
Laxette looked up at Mindymork, and smiled, an evil, vicious smile.
Cassnozzle wasn't going to like this.
Star Trek Cassnozzle: Episode IV.
Captain's Log, Stardate 69720.44.
The Replicator components have been installed, and the Terraforming Team has beamed down to Slinky Beta. We have been ordered to the Snotella system to pick up a Delegation of Allsortites.
"Captain, we're ready to get underway,"Ensign Flafluf reported from the conn.
"Good. The sooner we put this hellhole behind us the better,"Cassnozzle said.
"Course set Captain,"Flafluf added.
"Engage,"Cassnozzle said.
There was a strange sound, and all the lights dimmed. The ship shuddered slightly, and the viewscreen was suddenly covered in a fuzzy looking substance.
"What the hell? Report!"Cassnozzle yelled.
"Captain, we're not moving. All power from the warp drive has been diverted to the replicators,"Chuxycon reported.
"Why?"Cassnozzle asked.
"Not sure. I'm getting reports of this fuzzy substance over all windows on the ship. We'll need to send a crew out to investigate."
"I don't beleive this. Rixel, Mildew, put on EVA suits and beam outside. What the hell is going on."
Shortly, Rixel and Mildew had suited up. The beamed outside to a point about a hundred metres from the ship, where they could get a good look at it.
"Well, Rixel? What's going on out there? What's the fuzzy stuff?"Cassnozzle demanded.
"Uh... Captain, it would appear that somehow, the entire ship has been coated in a huge shagpile rug. There isn't a square inch of the hull that we can see from out here,"Rixel reported.
Cassnozzle stood up. "What? You're telling me that a 700 metre starship is completely covered in a huge orange rug?"
"Yes sir,"Mildew responded.
Cassnozzle looked around the bridge, and at the fuzzy orange viewscreen.
"DAMN YOU LAXETTE!"
Star Trek: Cassnozzle, Episode V.
Captain's Log, Stardate 69750.69.
Due to Starfleet Regulations, we can not simply dump the shagpile which has coated our entire vessel. So using the Transporters, we have now entirely recarpeted the ship in orange shagpile. In particular the Bridge looks rather good in it. Meanwhile, we are enroute to the Snotella system to rendezvous with a Delegation of Allsortites. One can only hope they do not have an aversion to orange shagpile.
Cassnozzle put down his padd, and looked around his office. He leaned back in his chair for a moment. Finally things were going right.
The door bell rang. "Come in,"He called.
Commander Chuxycon entered. "Captain, we'll be arriving at the rendezvous shortly. However, i have some news. The Eldrad is already there."
Cassnozzle turned bright red. "What!"
"Apparently Starfleet Command received a report that we were incapacitated, so they sent the Eldrad to pick up the Allsortites".
"Damn that Laxette." Cassnozzle got up, and walked on to the bridge, tripping slightly on one particularly bulgeful piece of shagpile.
"Lieutenant Mildew, hail the Eldrad. Get me Laxette."
He sat in the centre chair, and waited until Laxette appeared on the screen. "Ah, Captain Cassnozzle. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"I'm just calling to advise you we shall be arriving shortly. We are able to transport the Allsortites."
"Ah, I see. Well, I'm afraid Starfleet have decided that honour is the Eldrad's. While you were wasting time Re-carpetting your ship in the middle of nowhere, I managed to re-negotiate a virtually unlimited supply of dilithium with the Allsortites. They hae no desire to step aboard your... vessel. Starfleet will be sending you new orders very shortly. Laxette out."
The screen went black. Cassnozzle sat there. Nobody else wanted to say a word.
Finally, Ensign Flafluf interjected. "Captain, we have arrived at the rendezvous. The Eldrad is still there."
"Are her shields down?"Cassnozzle said, suddenly smiling.
"Yes sir. Why?"
On the Bridge of the Eldrad, Laxette ate from a platter of fresh fruit. He looked at the Starship Cassnozzle floating ahead of them. "Hopefully that will finally put that whipturd in his place. With any luck they'll reassign him..." but Laxette never finished his conversation.
There was a massive whine of Transporter energy, and suddenly the room was full of sour cream. Claxon's went off all over the place. "Report!"Laxette yelled.
"Captain... almost the entire volumn of the ship has been filled with sour cream. All energy reserves are gone. We're dead in the water,"Commander Mindymork reported, through a face of sour cream!
"What!"Laxette managed to get up but tripped over and fell into a sea of sour cream.
The viewer changed to a picture of Captain Cassnozzle. "Why, Captain Laxette, it would appear something nasty has occurred with your replicator system. I've done you the courtesy of beaming the Allsortites over to my ship. Miraculously their quarters escaped being swamped with sour cream. No doubt it will take you some time to clean up the mess. I wish you luck."
And the screen went blank.
"Damn you Cassnozzle!!"Laxette yelled.
Back on the Starship Cassnozzle, The captain was leaning back in his chair smiling broadly. They were on course to drop the Allsortites on Vulcan, and then to a period of Shore Leave on Risa. Things had never looked better.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang furiously. Chuxycon entered, breathing hard. "Captain... there's a problem. The Allsortites are on the holodeck. They've found a program called "Spice Girls Reunion Concert" and now they refuse to come out!"
"Alright, prepare a team. We better get down there!"
To Be continued...?
I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything at the keyboard at the time. Don't forget to link your story on the challenge thread!
