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Incoming Transmissions

Laura Cynthia Chambers

Laura Cynthia Chambers

Vice Admiral
Admiral
The Enterprise is certainly a beehive of activity - and not just because the yeomen are experimenting with new hairstyles. Here are just some of the whisperings overheard over the comms...

First, a hearty welcome to all of our new transfers from the Lexington, the McGee and Starbase 88. They would respectfully like to inform the ship's betting pool that none of them have made the acquaintance of our captain previously. Better luck next time. 1

Which medical man was recently caught doctoring his meal card to give himself an extra helping of peach pie? Apparently his vow to "do no harm" doesn't apply to his own waistline. 2

Rumor has it that a certain young ensign is next in line for a promotion. This will be the latest of many accomplishments he can check off his list.

It seems that an officer whom we believed to be one of Enterprise's most eligible bachelors may not be as free as a bird as one of our nightingales might wish. What other family secrets might our man of mystery be keeping? 3

We respectfully request that our budding Irish tenor add some new songs to his repertoire. Perhaps let Kathleen see herself home this time? 4

The owner of a green hoop earring would appreciate it if everyone kept an eye out for its mate. Last seen either in the officer's mess or the bowling alley. 5

All hands, rest easy. The biology department has confirmed that the mysterious furry object spotted in main engineering this week was not a tribble, as previously believed. Our sincerest apologies to the Dimoran ambassador for this unfortunate misunderstanding. 6

Rumors abound as to where our next shore leave will be taken. If the responses in our informal ballot box are any indication, top contenders include Denobula, Altair IV, Luna, and Russia. We suspect that this last selection in particular owes its popularity to a single individual, a theory which can be confirmed by a simple handwriting analysis run against ship's records. You have been warned.

Our best wishes for a full recovery to our resident musketeer. Given the right lighting conditions, it's entirely possible to mistake a poisonous cactus for a sword-wielding marauder. Particularly if a member of the landing party comes up from behind you and yells, "en garde!" 7

Anyone observed making air quotes, rolling their eyes, mouthing along with or snickering during the recording of the captain's log will be re-assigned to transporter testing duty as the test payload.

Due to the success of the science department's recent Christmas party, the operations division has announced a Valentine's dance. It is our wish that the senior staff will be well represented at this function. 8

Our thanks to the individual who left a plate of home-baked brownies in main engineering. They were all consumed with relish in short order. (To avoid straining the eyebrows of certain parties, we feel duty-bound to clarify that "relish" refers to enjoyment, not the condiment.) 9

Lastly, please be advised that the communications department is well-versed in Pig Latin, American Sign Language, and Morse code. Resorting to these dialects cannot guarantee your privacy.

Notes

1) The Lexington is the ship Lt. Watley (Julian Bashir's maybe-possibly-probably-not ancestor who he meets in the Enterprise turbolift in Trials and Tribulations) just transferred off of. The McGee is named for Krista Abney McGee, author of the Anomaly series, and (as an afterthought) the USS Admiral John McGee, the name Ellie Bishop submitted for a new aircraft carrier, that of Tim McGee's dad.

2) In The Corbomite Maneuver, McCoy changes Kirk's diet card to salad because Kirk was putting on a little weight. Double standard much?

3) Rumors of Spock's less-than-singleness. A slight nod to TFF and DSC, too.

4) Riley, Riley, Riley. The Naked Time's songster is still warbling.

5) Guess who the owner is? Also, there is indeed a bowling alley on the Enterprise. (also mentioned by Riley in TNT)

6) Dimorus, home to a species of "rodent things" that missed Kirk and shot Gary Mitchell with a poison dart instead. Never described, so I suppose it's furry.

7) Poor Sulu. We learn of his sword prowess in TNT as well.

8) Including Kirk? The science dept Christmas party is the one where he met Helen Noel.

9) The English language is most illogical.
 
Funny stuff ! 6, "shore leave", and "transporter testing" particularly made me :lol:
It strikes me that this Starship gossi- I mean, News, would also be a great entry for this month's Art Challenge if appropriately rendered...
 
Part 2!


The cause of Tuesday's half-hour shipwide blackout has not yet been determined. Theories range from a minor phase fluctuation in environmental controls to an overload of the hand-held weapons charging unit. We have been able to confirm that all members of the ship's engineering and security departments are present and accounted for.

Communications would like to remind you that their analytical programs are fully capable of distinguishing between actual static interference and crude imitations of same. You are not fooling anyone.

Security's investigation into several reports of a non-corporeal life form wandering the halls in crew quarters last night was inconclusive. An inquiry into the disappearance of a bottle of contrast medium from the diagnostic lab is also ongoing.

A petition has been circulating of late with the aim of designating the mess hall as the "tidy room", in the hopes that this will encourage patrons to maintain order and cleanliness therein. In retaliation, apparently, a similar document proposes that sickbay be re-christened "happy health land". As of this moment, the latter appears to be winning, much to the perturbation of certain parties.

In response to a recent spate of misplaced objects, Security has instituted a lost-and-found box, which is located in the department office. Items can be retrieved at any time between 0800 and 1900 hours. As of now, our inventory includes a bottle of "Vulcanian blueberry juice" (hand-lettered label), two socks (one gray, one pink with a hole in the toe), and a paperback copy of The Prime Directive for Dummies (several passages underlined and annotated, most of the pages dog-eared). Please remember that this is a judgment-free zone; no snickering or name-calling.

Sickbay wishes to remind everyone that annual physicals will commence next week, in accordance with Starfleet regulations. We wish to emphasize this last part for those who have been known in the past to regularly find methods of avoiding or delaying same. Examples of unacceptable excuses include illness (really?), birthdays, being assigned to a landing party, and "because".

The personnel department respectfully wishes to remind all crewmembers that sudden changes in one's belief system must be logged in their database, along with other vital statistics. Of concern is the increasing trend among personnel of claiming allegiance to a people group whose holiday(s) happen to coincide with a training exercise or diplomatic excursion, only to disavow them immediately afterwards. We feel the need to stress this point, as the Adebian Hibernation Festival is almost upon us.

Recent inquiries made to our historical database and confirmed by our contacts at Memory Alpha have established once and for all that Zephram Cochrane's real name was not in fact "Stefan Corsevich", despite claims to the contrary. We understand that the forfeit to be paid by the claimant consists of a week's re-assignment to the gamma shift hydraulics team. Hopefully, this stint will afford him a modicum of humility.

In lieu of fielding questions personally, our first officer has asked us to assure you that Vulcan mind melds are only to be employed when extenuating circumstances warrant such measures. Determining whether someone is interested in pursuing a romantic relationship or the location of someone's secret stash of candy does not qualify.

Specimens in the botany lab are to be organized by environmental requirements, not which ones have the most pleasing aromas; personal preferences are not objective. We have been informed, for instance, that Andorians consider the scent of roses to be akin to that produced by Mephitis mephitis, aka the striped skunk.

In response to the disappearance of several engineering tools at our last port of call, mandatory baggage inspections have been instituted for all crewmembers departing the ship. Among the items absconded with include several power packs, two replacement prongs for a trident scanner, and the chief engineer's toothbrush.

The captain would like to congratulate our crew for their significant contributions to Starfleet's annual (re)design a uniform contest. Notable entries include the beach variant, dress uniform lederhosen, and tie-dyed engineering jumpsuits. The introduction of tear-away sleeves would seem to have the inside track, however.

Finally, after repeated requests from the beta shift maintenance team, the Jeffries tubes on deck seven have been cordoned off pending an investigation into alleged activities therein. They would like to remind you that there are several locations aboard ship more amenable to romantic rendezvouses, vocal exercises, and watching horror movies.

1)The redshirts dodged a bullet this time.

2) "Vulcanian blueberry juice" *snort* Someone should check under that "hand-lettered label". Also, care to guess who that book belongs to?

3) Kirk's famous for avoiding these, apparently.

4) Poor Pavel. Russia, Russia, Russia.

5) To facilitate vaccinations or allow Captain Kirk to turn any duty shirt into a muscle shirt? You decide.
 
Nice idea! I really enjoyed reading) I receive help from DoAHomework.com and now have some free time and would like to read something like this. I really like it!:hugegrin:
 
Thanks, I'll give it a looksee. Also, please feel free to post your story here if you haven't already done so--the more writers we have here, the better!
 
I'm working on a short story which just surpassed 17,000 words. I don't think it's a "short" story anymore. :cool:
 
Part 3!

Our next mission is expected to include a complete cartographic survey of the Ibar asteroid field, previously only observed via long range subspace telescope. We ask members of the stellar cartography department to kindly refrain from naming individual asteroids after their superiors in an attempt to curry favour.

Be assured that the botany department does not assign nomenclature to flora lightly. This is particularly true of the Sigman venom fruit, despite its harmless apple-like appearance. We strongly caution crewmembers not to eat it on a dare, especially as the antitoxin has been found to be notoriously difficult to synthesize.

We are pleased to report that as of this moment, all recent incidents regarding errant programming of diet cards have been cleared up with no resulting medical complications. If you suspect your card has been tampered with, please notify sickbay so that a staff member can check it against your medical records. Discrepancies to watch out for include multiple listings of the same dish, non-comestible items such as antimatter, and celery-flavoured ice cream.

After the recent breakdown in our negotiations with the rock people of Terganib IV for rhemalyzite mining rights, the Starfleet Command Regulatory Board has voted unanimously to add the following amendment to landing party protocols; "upon beaming down or exiting a shuttlecraft on the surface of a planet never previously visited by their assigned ship, all members of landing parties are prohibited from shouting the word, 'First!'"

Our medical staff is pleased to report that every single member of the crew examined up until now has passed their physicals with flying colors. While a few stragglers remain unaccounted for, they are to be forewarned that the ship's internal sensors and surveillance equipment are also in fine working order, as are the transporters and force field generators. Any attempts to evade same will be met with a minimum of one week forced medical leave, during which a more in-depth evaluation will be carried out. 1

It would appear our young historical revisionist has learned nothing from his earlier mistakes. We deeply regret to inform him that, once again, he is in error, this time regarding the identity of the trisperite diffraction textile synthesizer. (However, we will allow that it is possible that one could mistake "Pilar Velez" for "Pieta Vasilyeva".) Word is that the forfeit this time will involve assisting the ship's records department in a statistical research study of settlement patterns among the outer colonies. We sincerely hope that he will acquit himself well in this as in all other duties. 2

Earlier requests seem to have done little to curb the recent influx of questions directed toward our first officer. He would like to inform readers that, contrary to popular thought, Vulcan ears do not function as antennae, nor do they illuminate upon detection of another telepathic mind. Any parties interested in attending an information night to clear up various common myths and misconceptions may make their interest known on a sign-up sheet in the life sciences department.

The captain would like to apologize for his sudden disappearance in the middle of last week's monthly meeting of the department heads. He further wishes to clarify that the incident was an alien abduction, not the result of a pre-arranged agreement between himself and the transporter chief on duty, as initially reported. During his brief absence, he was able to successfully negotiate several trade agreements between himself and his Corbomitian captors, set to take effect in seven hundred years, when they plan to make contact with the Federation once more. 3

Our communications chief is flattered by a recent campaign which would see the computer interface renamed in her honour. That being said, she respectfully requests that the motion be withdrawn, given the potential for confusion when addressing the system verbally, especially in her presence. This discussion is unlikely to be reopened, given that consultations with the statistical and genealogical records have determined the probability of Enterprise acquiring a crewman with the surname of "Computer" to be negligible. 4

Mess services is currently in the process of consulting with our forensics officer in order to determine the identity of the person(s) who are responsible for a rash of vandalism in the mess hall. All personnel are reminded to please limit all positive and negative feedback about co-workers and superiors to official crew evaluation reports, rather than employing cutlery as crude carving tools. The engineering department concurs that they have more important tasks to perform than removing declarations of undying devotion from the underside of dining chairs.

Starbase 25 has extended an invitation to the crews of all ships in this sector, including ours, to participate in a three-day athletic competition, to be held next week. Please note that your performance or lack of same in a given event will in no way have any bearing on your chances for advancement in the ranks.

Security is happy to report that its lost-and-found box has proven successful. Several owners have been reunited with their missing paraphernalia in recent days. Unfortunately, despite receiving multiple queries from various complainants, no progress has been made in locating either youth or dignity. All further such inquiries will be re-routed to the ship's counselor for further analysis.

Congratulations to our chief engineer, who has now broken the all-time Starfleet record for most requisition forms submitted by a single individual in one star year. When asked to comment on the honour, he is reported to have said that he would rather have received "the flamin' supplies I ordered nigh on nine months ago" than the commemorative plaque which the Statistical Division has awarded him.

1) Physical-dodgers: we will find you. And run every test we can think of, plus a few we invented! Mwah-ha-ha!

2) Not a real Trek thing or person. Wanted to invent a person and device to combat small-universe syndrome. I originally wanted it to be Emory Erickson (transporter inventor). I couldn't think of any canon female inventors, too early for Leah Brahms. Should've been Sato and the universal translator, maybe.

3) Yeah, right. I totally believe you, Jim! *snort* Note the name of the alien race he attributes his disappearance to! Small universe, but at least the term clues Trek fans in instantly that it's a lie.

4) So far, all mentions of Uhura are either benign (the missing earrings) or complimentary, or chiding on her part ("the communications department would like to remind you..."etc)
 
These are all awesome - thank you for sharing. I write a lot of crack / humour Trek fics myself, so I love seeing stuff like this. The Prime Directive for Dummies. Oh, man. That's a classic.
 
Hoping I won't get called out for resurrecting a dead thread as it's my fourth chapter for the same story which I only wrote recently.

Following the success of last month's inaugural "Captain Kirk Day", it has been decided that the event will be a regular observance on board the Enterprise. We request that crew members limit their participation to officially sanctioned events only, such as the crew breakfast, essay competition, etc, rather than impersonation contests, "pin the sleeve on the captain", and cream pie target practice. 1

Recent efforts have been made to determine the identity of the person(s) responsible for literally hailing the SS Thorsen last Monday. To prevent other occurrences of this nature, climate control settings in the transporter room have been given a second layer of password protection. Once culpability is determined, all replicator credits employed in producing 10 snow shovels for the clean-up crew will be retroactively applied to the guilty party's account.

We would like to commend the gamma shift for their interest in debate and scientific inquiry. Lifelong learning is one of the hallmarks of a successful career and a well-rounded education. That said, the bridge is not an ideal environment for determining which foodstuff will have the greatest effect on the reproductive rate of tribbles. The shift commander also requests that crew members restrict their arguments to those of an impersonal nature, and that participants not trade the theater of scientific enquiry for the arena of personal grievances.

Following a brief consultation with the captain, we concur, with a hefty dose of humility, that there are more suitable locales for recuperating from the effects of a late shift than one's duty station. Better time management and delegation of tasks, as well as the consumption of a caffeinated beverage, has also been encouraged. 2

It is our pleasure to be able to confirm that the first Earth ambassador to Tellar was indeed Ekaterina Popova, not Kenishi Matashito, as had been suggested. After much heated discussion, it was decided that the penalty for the erring party would be to serve as the dinner companion for the next visiting dignitary the Enterprise hosts. We sincerely wish that a good time is had by all involved, while at the same time, extend a hearty congratulations to our often-wrong crewmember for finally knowing the correct answer. 3

Our first officer is pleased to note that following several question-and-answer sessions, most of the misinformation about his species appears to have been quelled, at least among Enterprise's current crew complement. However, despite (ultimately futile) attempts to evade his hearing, he is fully aware of remarks a certain party had made regarding his ears appearing "sharp enough to cut a steak with." In response to this comment, he has released the following statement: "No. Can you spread butter with yours?" 4

After communications with several of Starfleet's suppliers, Security has determined that a labelling mix-up at a warehouse on Altair VI is responsible for Sickbay's receiving salt and pepper shakers instead of medical scanners, rather than a clever ruse by crewmembers seeking to postpone physical examinations. Our chief medical officer assures us that even if such a tactic were employed, it would in no way deter him and his staff from utilizing other less efficient methods of examination, such as hour-long, full-body imaging scans. He also wishes to report that the recent outbreak of sneezing fits in sickbay has been directly linked to this error. 5

In the wake of our week's stay in spacedock at Deep Space Station A-14, the hospitality department would encourage anyone wishing to play "connect the dots" with the starfield outside the large windows in the common areas to utilise water-soluble markers, as they have no desire to deplete the ship's entire supply of cleaning fluids in one night.

It is with much chagrin that Security reports the theft or misplacement of its lost-and-found box. As the receptacle in question is clearly labelled as such, re-purposing seems unlikely. Crewmembers are asked to look for a large, blue crate, not unlike the 798 other similar containers currently aboard ship. We would also request that crewmembers refrain from losing any other items until such time as it is located.

We sincerely hope that the results of a complete physical, mental, and emotional evaluation will lay to rest rumors about the captain's identity. Sickbay and Security have independently confirmed that his recent change in demeanour was due to a pending anniversary, rather than his replacement by an imposter or enemy agent. As to the nature of said anniversary, suffice it to say that the details of such are covered by doctor-patient/lawyer-client confidentiality, not to mention common decency. 6

All concerned parties be advised that the Rigelian leech violet's parasitic relationship with the planet's mammalian fauna is well-documented and rarely harmful, let alone fatal. That said, amateur horticulturalists are advised that intravenous nutrient transfer is a viable alternative to nourisishing the plant with one's own sebaceous secretions. Quite frankly, affixing the mouthparts of a semi-carnivorous flower to one's forehead is both a distraction from one's duty and more than a little unnerving. 7

A recent audit of the ship's log and music databases has uncovered a surprising uptick in the usage of the reverse playback control. Despite the lack of concrete proof, several suggestions have been advanced as to possible reasons for this trend. ranging from the mundane (computer programming errors) to the bizarre (the otherwise undetectable backwards movement of time due to some temporal phenomena) to the paranoid (suspicions of secret, coded messages). Any crewmember who may be able to shed light on the subject is invited to attend a meeting tonight at 1900 hours, in conference room C. dedivorp eb lliw stnemhserfeR 8

Lastly, while we are usually the first to appreciate and encourage new metaphorical applications of technical jargon, we, along with the engineering department, strongly advise against the usage of the term "jettisoning one's warp core" to describe the effects of a digestive upset, particularly if one is in danger of being overheard and misunderstood.

1 A la "Captain Picard Day", from TNG.

2 Uhura finally calls herself out. Caught sleeping on the job. :)

3 Chekov is right, for once. (Yay!) Now it's Sulu who has to pay up.

4 Spock has had enough of your Vulcan jokes.

5 Salt shakers are literally what TOS prop makers used for the medical scanners. So it's only natural that they could get mixed up in-universe, too.

6 Given the number of times Kirk has been split, replaced, compromised, etc, it's not that unreasonable to suspect something. As to what the anniversary is of? MYOB (I like to think it was a bad breakup, not Tarsus IV.)

7 Sulu, I know you love your plants, but come on. That's just gross. Yuck.

8 See what I did there?
 
We wish to welcome the Keeroscie delegation for the duration of their stay as the Enterprise ferries them to next month's trade talks with the Invoubelian Panarchy. The captain has asked us to reiterate that Keerosciens are unfamiliar with the concept of hyperbole, and therefore exaggeration when discussing personal matters such as one's workload, appetite, or medical status is not recommended.

Inasmuch as we have entered that time period affectionately referred to by some as "free agency", the personnel department would like to reiterate the necessity of following protocol when filing requests for transfer. Common errors include the submission of incomplete documents, requesting reassignment to departments inconsistent with one's skills and experience, and misspelling one's own name. Petitions on behalf of one's colleagues will not be entertained, number of corroborating signatures notwithstanding.

Despite our first officer having received a considerable number of votes for Starfleet's annual "Officer of the Year" award, we regret having to report his having placed second only to Commander Edith Rosenzweig of the Invictus. Mr. Spock would like to extend his sincere gratitude to those responsible for spearheading the campaign to nominate him for the honor, as well as express his certainty that the winner's prize of a month's shore leave on the planet of one's choosing was not a contributing factor in their choice of nomination. 1

Although habitually vacant during moments of downtime and decreased levels of readiness, the captain's chair is not an acceptable substitute for an eating surface, gaming table, or sleeping cushion for companion animals. Engineering is also reminded to keep an accounting of fasteners used on the bridge in order to avoid the occurrence of accidental puncture wounds.

Communications has noticed a sharp increase in the number of heavily encrypted intraship transmissions in the last two weeks. As no bulletins or directives have been issued to support usage of same, the possibility of crewmembers abusing their privileges has been suspected. We would like to remind all that love letters, disputes, and other interpersonal matters would be better handled in private, in-person meetings between involved parties, or counselling sessions mediated by medical/personnel staff.

Our chief engineer would like to issue a retraction of earlier comments made regarding the improvement in quality of beverages when consumed in the immediate vicinity of the warp core. While we cannot speak to the validity of his observations, or lack thereof, we concur that such behavior is a violation of established workplace safety procedures and is not advisable, regardless of one's tolerance for such substances or extenuating circumstances.

As part of an ongoing audit of living and working conditions onboard all multi-year mission starships, Sickbay will be leading a series of inspections to evaluate crew quarters for cleanliness, potential safety hazards, and other indicators of overall crew health. Since deficiencies noted will not be a matter of either individual discipline or commendation, they kindly request that crewmembers refrain from altering their usual habits or those of their colleagues until such time as the evaluations are completed.

A second lost-and-found box has been temporarily located at deck 7's security wing following a sudden increase in the number of items making their way into the original box. Suggestions of nefarious reasons for this change have prompted at least one individual to speculate that they should be renamed "stolen and ditched" boxes instead. Recent inventory includes: one bottle of "Scramble-Me-Not" transporter safety spray 2, two sets of false vampire fangs, a Russian flag tie clasp 3, and a box of Vulcan-themed Valentine cards ("Love long and pucker", to quote one example) 4.

Congratulations are due once again to our chief engineer, who has the unique distinction of having submitted Starfleet's one billionth requisition form. Though the item requested (a seventh generation photometric sensor array) is currently out of stock, HQ has assured him the order will be filled in due time. In addition, he is the recipient of a lifetime's supply of surplus pluraclinium pellets, equivalent to the weight of a standard Constitution-class-issued shuttle. (We have refrained from reprinting his statement here due to the inflammatory nature of certain words and phrases. Suffice it to say it was made in the throes of understandable frustration.)

As Statistical Services' investigation into the conjectured correlation between uniform color and morbidity/mortality rates is currently inconclusive, crewmembers are reminded to continue to wear the appropriate divisional/departmental uniforms for their duty assignments. They further note that the relationship between usage of safety equipment and landing party survival has been and continues to be a matter of record.

Although refusing to take full responsibility for the ensuing mayhem, Security would like to express its sincere regrets upon mistaking Crewman Warren's surprise bachelor party for an Orion pirate raid. Among the issues expected to be raised at the upcoming inquiry are the proper execution of biometric scans to confirm crewmember identities and inappropriate usage of cosmetic species alteration procedures.

Lastly, our chief medical officer would like to advise all crewmembers that contrary to popular belief, ship's stores do not contain a certain quantity of "universal antidote" reserved exclusively for senior staff members. The first officer further notes that the very existence of such a substance is highly improbable. 5

1) Sounds like somebody needs/wants a vacation from Spock…

2) Bones' one concession to snake oil

3) Guess whose?

4) Chapel's hope springs eternal…

5) Main character immortality
 
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